


Built For Sin

by Phenobarbital



Series: Built For Sin Series [1]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Minor Violence, Realistic, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-06
Updated: 2013-04-01
Packaged: 2017-11-28 11:18:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 249,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/673798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phenobarbital/pseuds/Phenobarbital
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alphonse discovers he's twisted the love he feels for his brother into something he knows is wrong, the feelings he has are starting to make him sick. Its all he can do to tell Edward, so he does. They thought they'd paid for their mistakes but find themselves back at square one, playing with sin. Edward always did promise Alphonse anything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the Fullmetal Alchemist anime or its characters
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Framing Hanley
> 
> Verse: Post Manga, Deviation From Canon
> 
> Authors Note: This is my attempt at an Elricest story, my depiction of a realistically portrayed incestuous relationship between the Elric brothers but readers may not agree, please feel free to disagree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note – 10 August 2013
> 
> I've done a layout image for Ed and Al's Central apartment because it features a lot throughout the story and the sequel. If anyone is interested in seeing the apartment they live in as I intended it for the story, a direct image link can be found on my profile.

 

 

* * *

**Built For Sin**

* * *

  
_Say so long to innocence_  
_From underneath the evidence_  
_You taste like Heaven, but God knows you're built for sin_

* * *

Alphonse hadn't fallen from his grace too quickly.

He was a strong person and he knew it, he was a well-adjusted person and he knew it.

He'd had his ups and downs, not even just including his pre and early teens as a soul bonded to an inanimate object, but he'd still prevailed.

He'd suffered and watched others suffer –both people he loved and disliked.

He judged others and been judged in return.

He'd lied and been lied to.

Helped others and been helped, hurt and been hurt.

He'd seen people scared, terrified and he'd been that way himself at some points.

He'd seen guilt and felt guilt.

He'd harbored grudges, he'd been too trusting, he'd learned lessons the hard way, he'd been let down…

Alphonse Elric was living, he had been 'living' all along except in the past 4 and a half years he'd been living back in his flesh and so he experienced all the things –in large doses- he'd not had feelings and time to experience in moderation growing up.

It had been a rude awakening to say the least.

Learning that people could actually take more from you when you had flesh to feel it. He'd always thought he had at least experienced his emotions correctly when he'd been in the armor, he knew he couldn't really take in his more physical senses but he'd always  **always**  thought that when he knew he was angry, sad, hurt, insulted…he was feeling it somehow.

But when he'd finally been given his body back, he realized that emotions were experienced physically as well, not just mentally. Anger caused pain in his chest, in his throat and it made his body shake just the same as sadness or hurt did except the degrees varied and the mental reaction changed.

That first year had been a scary time for him.

Recovering from his atrophy and emaciation had taken months for his body to be even half adjusted and then life back in Risembool had taken even more time to adjust to. He learned quickly that he had allergies and all that open space and pollen was far worse now that he'd gotten older and his body was more sensitive. He'd realized that Winry's perfume smelled nice and he found it comforting. There was the realization that he didn't like salty foods or coffee very much at all.

When he'd been a child, he'd never been allowed to drink coffee, so it had been completely new and completely awful.

That was really just the small things though.

As time passed and months began to blur together, things regained normalcy and he found that he too had a natural ability to annoy Winry and he was hit over the head for his talents. He started to gain confidence in his likes and dislikes, quickly deciding what foods he would and wouldn't eat, what colors he thought were best on himself, the sort of clothes and materials he preferred.

He soon realized that when you actually had feelings and voiced opinions, people reacted very differently than when you were offering an objective guess to what might be better because you weren't really in a position to know better.

It had been amusing at first because it was still new and yelling was somehow a new experience for his vocal cords. But like everything, the novelty wore off and sometimes Winry's voice would annoy him, or Pinako's passive aggressive lectures would get on his nerves and he'd known then why Edward always yelled at them to shut up and leave him alone.

He didn't know why, but it was all different now that he could  **feel**.

Now that the yelling hurt his ears and caused headaches, and how the chores made him tired and itchy when there was too much dust.

But unlike Edward, Alphonse was polite and mannered finely. He never yelled for Granny or Winry to shut up, he would simply argue his point, maybe yell a little and eventually concede, because they were ladies and ladies were to be respected. So as far as the Rockbell house was concerned, Alphonse would remain composed.

He did a rather good job of remaining on his pedestal of perfectly well-mannered and it was all thanks to Edward.

Not that he and Ed didn't argue a time or twenty, they were both too smart for their own good, Edward had an ego worthy of his reputation of being the Fullmetal Alchemist and Alphonse had the unbreakable reasoning and foresight worthy of his reputation as the better half of Edward Elric.

So when they disagreed they yelled…and Edward cussed. Sometimes Alphonse would cuss and then Edward would yell at him for cussing. With Edward there was always yelling, as his brother he knew it well but at least Edward's voice didn't grate on his nerves. The biggest and most significant difference was that where Edward was concerned, Alphonse didn't have to lose by default.

Edward usually gave in or Alphonse was just right and Ed would grumble and admit it.

It made Alphonse happy and because he could  **feel** happiness and love in his human body, the experience was far more powerful than it was when he was pseudo feeling it. When Edward would get home after helping out in town and he'd hug Alphonse, there was always a rich warmth and fulfillment that came with it.

And when Edward would say he loved Alphonse just because he could, whenever he heard it or said it back, that feeling of fulfillment would sometimes be enough to make him sleep through the night without nightmares of the gate, sometimes he'd even get red in his face because he was so happy.

Edward made him happy.

At the time though, the significance of such feelings were still out of his more unexplored understandings.

Even at 17 years old mentally, physically Alphonse was still catching up.

* * *

The second year living in Risembool had turned into a mundane experience, the grass fields and river didn't hold the fascination it'd once held when he was a child and the simple farm life was steadily starting to get on his nerves. He'd started working as well since as a young man he knew it was pertinent for him to be useful in a household and support himself and other loved ones.

It's not that he needed to work, Edward had said he didn't care if Alphonse never worked again, since Edward had a significant amount of money saved up from his days in the military and was still making money from the occasional freelance work projects that Central people outsourced to him.

He never failed to tell Alphonse that he would always take care of him.

Winry had once questioned what Edward would do when Alphonse found a girlfriend and no longer wanted his support.

Alphonse found it  **hurt**  deeply when Edward had shrugged with a loving smile in his direction and said,

_'If Alphonse feels like he can manage without me I wouldn't stop him, I'd give him all the space he needs.'_

He knew those were the words of a truly devoted sibling, his older brother would deny him nothing, not even his freedom. He expected practically nothing from Alphonse as it was, except a hug every once in a while and to know that Alphonse was well and happy.

But it had hurt to think Edward would let him go so easily…

Those words didn't really ever leave him but he also didn't dwell on the feelings of upset over them.

He worked a boring job as a librarian assistant in the small half stacked hole that was Risembool's literature hold, he met a few people he decided to call friends who he spent some time with in his lunch breaks and on weekends and he started falling into place…neatly, as if there was a never a wrinkle in his reality.

It irked him.

Besides himself, watching Edward live in this melancholy as if there was nothing wrong with spending his days helping people in the town or doing half-baked independent research projects was just as bad. On more than one occasion Edward was called by important people from Central, offering his serious work contracts, some from the private sector but most from military channels and he always turned it down.

Why? Because he was done with spending his time working hard, he was happy with just being comfortable and being with his younger brother.

It was yet another perfectly devoted sibling like thing to do, after all, Edward had missed his child hood to get his younger brother back, risked his life, suffered injuries the likes of which made Alphonse nauseous now that he was able to properly feel nausea and experience physical pain again.

So why wouldn't he want to live this farm life after everything they'd been through?

Why? Because he was a genius and Alphonse was one too and they were wasting their lives.

* * *

By the time he was 18 years old and the year was almost over, Alphonse was tired of spending his time around the people of Risembool who never really got that 'sweet little Al' image out of their heads. Edward was lucky to have become renowned as a bad ass, beating the shit out people.

Sure everyone still joked around some time and teased him to rile him up a little, but the respect was palpable amongst everyone, they all respected Al too…but their idea of him was unjustified.

He found himself wondering if it would always be that way, would they never see he'd grown up?

He also promptly realized he didn't care and so he told Edward he wanted to leave Risembool.

It had been a simple conversation, one they'd had just by themselves in the lounge after dinner when Winry was washing dishes and Granny had turned in for the night. Edward hadn't had any objections, just curious questions and smiles.

Alphonse expressed a need for mental stimulation and mentioned his constant contact with Mei via letters, he was interested in going to Xing, there was much to learn.

He thought Ed would perk up at the idea of being able to practice Alchemy again –which Alphonse hadn't seen him do in years- but as usual Edward had given him a small smile and just nodded.

He felt guilty when he thought that Edward wouldn't use Alchemy anymore because he took it as a punishment for what had happened to them for being so forward and stupid when they were kids, but he never broached the subject, he just one day hoped to see his brother in that ethereal blue glow again.

Edward always had looked so amazing when he was lit up by Alchemy.

The thought made him smile and turn a little red at times, but he just wanted Edward to be happy, that's what his reasoning said.

He had been really happy Edward was so agreeable about Xing, that was until Edward mentioned that it would be a good idea since he'd been thinking about going to Creta, now that a treaty had been signed. He had his own theorems he'd been working on. Al learned that he'd even been skimming their language and was catching on quickly, which wasn't a surprise, but the fact that he hadn't known his brother was thinking of travelling  **alone**  was.

He'd mentioned that one his last trips to Central to finish up a contract he'd met some people from Creta and it'd inspired him…and then he said he had just been waiting until he thought it'd be okay with Alphonse.

It was okay, of course it was.

And so they made their plans and parted ways when Alphonse left for Central and Edward stayed in Risembool, since he'd be taking a different train route. They'd hugged tightly on that familiar train platform and Edward had kissed him on his cheek right before slapping the same cheek lightly and threatening him to be careful and to not forget to stay in touch.

Alphonse had made every promise he was threatened to and then went with a bitter sweet smile onto the train, waving goodbye to Ed and Winry like they had, as brothers, so many times done to other people.

They were separating.

Of course that was okay. They were 18 and 19 years old, more adults than people 20 years their senior.

It was fine.

It hurt him.

But he was fine.

* * *

The time after that, the first two months in Xing, had been amazing. Alphonse received a culture shock which made him giddy, for all of Mei's explanations of Xing's natural landscapes and beauty, seeing was truly to believe. It also helped that he was a guest of Xing's royalty, he discovered he loved their silk and smooth clothing's, he loved their colorful world, their food, he loved their language and he soaked it all up like a sponge.

He loved their alchemy and he wanted nothing more than to learn all he could!

He'd written Edward and Winry just after the first month of being in Xing, already having at least 6 pages worth of amazing information to share and then he'd waited almost another month before Winry's reply came, nothing from Edward yet.

He was just settling into his third month there when she'd replied and he'd waited until he and Mei had had their alchemy teachings for the day, eaten dinner before he'd bathed and retired to his room where he opened her letter.

Her handwriting was always so untidy, she never had been a girly sort of girl, she could build intricate mechanical devices but her scrawl was worthy of a crab trekking sideways zigzags in sand.

It made him smile…and squint.

The letter had been a mix of things, talking about all of that mundane nonsense happening in Risembool, complaining about some new client she had who didn't know what she wanted on her automail hand and then it talked about how she missed him and Edward. He hadn't felt a build up in her letter, there was no sensible connecting of her information, Winry wrote like she talked, whatever she was thinking right then.

At least Edward wasn't like that, it would have been exhausting to make sense of.

He was still smiling at his happy thoughts of his home- which he hardly missed- but was fond of, when her letter tone changed completely from being about random stuff to a steady stream of information.

He'd blinked and re read it:

_'…and I don't know if Ed's told you anything, because he's so scatter brained, he's such an idiot and it's so exhausting sometimes isn't it? He called me once last week and complained about how expensive it was and that I owed him, can you believe him? But he called me, I didn't ask him to but I was happy he did since I've been missing him so much and thinking about him a lot. I think it'll work between me and Edward, even though he frustrates me and he's always yelling he does want to be with me. I'm sure he must've told you in a letter or something. I'm really happy, I waited a long time for him to grow up and pay attention. It's silly isn't it? But it makes sense somehow. When he gets back we'll probably talk seriously about a relationship, it's weird thinking of Ed that way, it's going to take work to get your brother to be husband material but I know you'll be there to help! And…'_

He hadn't finished reading the letter, there was another paragraph left but he couldn't get through it. He stared at the lavish walls of his guest room and felt the cool breeze from the open balcony doors, it made him shiver involuntarily, every hair on the back of his neck stood up.

Alphonse lay awake for hours trying to figure out what about Winry's happy letter had made him so nauseous, angry, sad and confused at the same time. He thought it might be because Ed hadn't contacted him, but then he had known there was no phone contact to Xing and that letters would take a while to span three countries postal services. He wondered if it was that Edward hadn't mentioned anything about his apparent intentions to be with Winry in a relationship. He also wondered if maybe he was jealous, did he like Winry?

He wondered every day for the next month while he learned and lived, while he met new people and grew closer to Mei, he even wondered about it when he'd been sitting in the Chen gardens and Mei had kissed him.

He couldn't figure out what upset him…but he hadn't even attempted to write back because he had no way of moving passed the heavy upset that lingered within him, toward her. He couldn't explain it…

Eventually he received a letter from Edward.

The date written at the top in Edward's neat cursive handwriting confirmed that the postal service was slow, it had been written just more than a month ago. So Edward had written back immediately.

The thought warmed Alphonse very much, he felt better than he had in weeks.

He read the letter alone in his room, laying on his stomach on the large comfortable futon with a small sad smile on his face. Edward wrote in great detail, understandable and fully comprehensive text, about Creta's basic alchemy and some of their strange traditions. He wrote mostly about research though, which wasn't unusual for his older brother.

Alphonse wasn't even surprised to see an array on an extra sheet of paper attached to the letter, Edward explained how the Cretan's had a slightly different basic array which could be altered to transmute something specific, he also explained how he thought it could be improved on.

The letter didn't mention Winry even once. It disconcerted him.

He knew Winry wouldn't lie…so why was Ed keeping something from him?

The end bit the letter was the most comforting part, Edward expressed how it was weird to be travelling alone, said many times how much he missed Alphonse and wished he could be there because his opinion and expertise were invaluable to Edward. Then he said that he knew he was being selfish wanting that and that he knew Alphonse was happy finally getting out on his own and enjoying life.

There were well wishes, more threats to take care of himself and a loopy sweet 'Love you Al' right at the end of the fourth page.

Alphonse stared at those three words as he felt his chest hurt with sadness, he missed Edward a lot. He wasn't as happy as he should have been.

So maybe, it wasn't as okay as he thought.

* * *

And it wasn't, because even as his knowledge grew of Alchehestry and Mei's affections became more apparent and bold, he found realization dawning on him very slowly.

Letter by letter, miss you by miss you, love you by love you written at the bottom of long letters that symbolized what would have been wonderful conversations with his brother, Alphonse discovered the word for what he was feeling.

But it wasn't until he was into the second year in Xing and had spent a night tucked away beneath Mei's Chen's sheets beside her, that he was willing to admit it aloud – but only to himself.

Edward's latest letter shattered his errant denial rather painfully.

He sat alone on his bed and stared at the words between lines and lines of that familiar handwriting…it said that he and Winry had been talking a lot on the phone and that he was thinking of asking Winry to be his girlfriend when he returned home. He wanted to know what Alphonse thought, how should he ask the question, should he take her out to dinner? Should he be spontaneous? He even added that Alphonse had always been the smooth one out of the two of them, did he have any advice?

The tears that slipped over his cheeks onto the paper, wetting and blurring the ink, were not because of the words per say, yes they hurt, but it was the realization that made his insides crumble.

Alphonse knew then, without a doubt…that he was  **longing**  for his brother, it wasn't natural…it was an unnatural and convoluted desire.

His stomach twisted rather violently.

The days that followed found Alphonse ill and turning Mei away when she offered to take care of him. He stayed in his room, near his bathroom so when the need to puke would rattle his stomach and fill his mouth with warm rushes he'd be right near the toilet.

There wasn't anything left to puke out after a while, he wasn't eating nearly as much as he was vomiting and the bile and retching had left his throat raw. He didn't sleep because he couldn't stop crying in utter shame.

Since his denial had broken he was no longer able to push away the thoughts, they seemed to force their way into his mind.

Never before had be seen Edward in any light other than his wonderful brother.

But now that he'd admitted that he didn't want Edward to be with Winry, all of the reasons  _why_  fell into place, he didn't want Edward holding her close to him, he didn't want Edward kissing her…

He didn't even want to think of what Edward would do with her besides that, he knew what he'd done with Mei and he knew it'd be like that and his stomach would clench when he thought about it.

It would be sudden and severe each time, he would throw his head over the toilet with the need to hurl because lingering in his mind would be some dark blurred imagined image of himself doing with Edward what he and Mei had done, what he refused to picture Edward doing with Winry.

Each time he pictured it against his will it gained clarity, there was more skin, more sounds…more nausea.

He didn't know when it had turned into this. He didn't know and he despised it.

Edward had had two short term female 'friends' that Al had met during their time in Risembool and it hadn't bothered him…in all of his naivety. At the time his dislike for them had seemed like a natural reaction, he felt his brother shouldn't be wasting his time messing around and be more serious.

But now when Edward became serious, it became real.

They could be such dirty things…feelings, flesh, desire, lust, sex…even need, something as simple as need was now more carnal and Alphonse tried hard to not think of how Edward's perfectly muscled body felt when he hugged him, how he smelled, how his lips were usually warm on his cheek.

He never even knew he'd noticed that!

He didn't realize that subconsciously he was aware of how tight and firm Edward's body was when they hugged.

How he had not known he was feeling these things, he couldn't understand then.

He was 20 years old now…and it no longer confused him.

Because he'd become familiar with desire and lust, the physical equations sex involved and the difference it would make if he had emotions attached.

He'd been recently physically attached to Mei…but he'd never been emotionally attached to anyone but Edward and now that unconditional love had manifested in an ugly way.

A truly hideous way.

Edward was his brother, his flesh and blood, his DNA, his last relative, born of the same mother, the same father, how had something so naturally plutonic become twisted? He couldn't understand and so he vomited, he shook, he didn't sleep, he cried and he loathed himself.

Alphonse hadn't fallen from his grace quickly, but when he fell he flailed, plummeted heavily and when he landed, it hurt.

Like nothing he could have imagined.

* * *

He was in no way the same person.

He would never be.

He left Xing a few days after his 'illness' past and bid Mei a feigned regretful goodbye. She shed tears and he did as well, but they had nothing to do with her.

He then boarded the train that would take him to the half way destination where he'd ravel by camel back until they reached the next train station. He hadn't looked back.

He hadn't even seen his reflection lately.

He'd stopped vomiting after days of isolated misery, his stomach hurt too badly and he realized he was breaking his promises by getting so ill and he couldn't die because Edward would be hurt.

He'd tried hard not to tremble noticeably to the people around him on the train, though it was hard and he spent some of the train ride in the toilet stall, trying to calm his nausea.

The trip through the dessert had been better, he'd been shaking but no one had noticed and when they reached the second station, on the second train trip he handled it much like he did the first.

By the time he'd got off in Risembool after four days of travelling and sleeping in train car rooms, he was exhausted, sweaty and still nauseous.

* * *

An hour later he'd walked into the Rockbell house and received gasps of happiness and exclamations about how awful he looked, Pinako went straight to lecturing him about how much weight he'd lost, Winry made him a plate of sandwiches while reiterating Granny's complaints and like always, Alphonse accepted their whining. He only ate two of the 8 sandwiches Winry was used to him eating before he excused himself in a hurry.

He was sure they had heard him puking but neither came to bother him until sometime later in the evening.

Alphonse had wanted to be left alone but instead he'd been nursed, placed into bed, brought soup and asked about whether catching foreign illnesses could kill him.

He hardly registered anything, he just slept.

He'd had to wait a long time, a few long months, he'd left Xing prematurely and was home far earlier than scheduled.

When his 'foreign illness' had moved passed its worse stage and Alphonse was finally able to drag his pathetic self out of bed, he resumed the mundane lifestyle of Risembool.

But he knew Winry and Pinako knew something was wrong, how could they not?

His facade was laughable, how could he hide weight loss and sleep deprivation convincingly?

He didn't smile, he didn't talk much, he didn't humor them or argue uselessly…he just did what they wanted during the days and slept in a miserable fetal position at night plagued by his own shame.

He knew they'd told Edward he'd returned home, since Alphonse hadn't written a letter since that last one he'd received. He heard at some point from Winry, somewhere around him, in the kitchen, in the yard…he didn't remember, that Edward was finishing off a contract in Creta and would leave for home immediately after.

* * *

By the end of the year Winter was in full swing and Risembool was covered in snow.

He was sitting in the den, staring at the wall with a book in his lap when he heard the door and his brother's voice calling out that he was home.

Alphonse's hair stood on end and despite everything he felt relieved to hear that voice.

He heard Winry's happy shouts and Pinako's greetings and Edward's followed, he pictured Edward hugging Winry and his insides twisted…the kind of jealously that was so wrong even his insides knew it.

' _Where's Al?'_

He heard Edward say, his tone happy but also concerned. He knew Edward had heard of his sickness.

But Edward didn't know yet just how sick he was.

Alphonse remained unmoving where he sat.

It was barely a minute later when he sensed a presence and he looked up from his place on a large plush couch in the corner of the room, he stared at Edward standing in the doorway with his hands half way in his black jeans pockets.

He was beautiful.

He was much fairer now because of Creta's Winter months, his summer tan had faded and his complexion was a natural light beige. His hair was longer, some strands of his ponytail stuck to his black sweater over the front of his shoulder, the length was almost to his wrist. His body was still lean, he hadn't gained any weight or lost any and Alphonse didn't doubt for a second that it was still all taut honed muscle beneath his clothes.

He'd seen Edward naked many times , he knew what perfection it was…except now, his thoughts were tainted and he shouldn't be thinking of it. His stomach clenched when the image of his brother naked refused to go away, painting the walls of his mind vividly as Edward approached him.

Alphonse closed his book slowly and pressed his hand to his stomach over his own grey sweater, Edward had reached him and looked down at him with a smile,

"You don't seem happy to see me." He said quietly, like he thought if he talked too loudly it would hurt Al.

Alphonse stared up at him, willing his stomach not to revolt, he smiled weakly,

"I am, I just…I haven't been well." He said very softly.

Any forced smile Edward was trying for disappeared and then it was just complete concern on his face, he knelt down next to Alphonse beside the couch, leaned close and placed a cool hand to his forehead,

"Granny and Winry said you've been ill…but you won't see a doctor?"

He'd been avoiding that because he wasn't ill, he was just wasting away somewhere between depression and pining. He shook his head weakly, fighting the urge to lean forward and hold Edward, he didn't even want to think of hugging him.

"I'm ok…you look well, I missed you, bro-ther." The word caught in his throat.

Edward's face paled a bit, he was always more worried than he should be,

"Al, you're too thin…" Alphonse was trying hard not to pay attention to Edward's hand around his wrist, "…you sound awful, you're not okay, you're not okay…I'm calling a doctor, one from Central…" he stood up with urgency, "…a really good one."

Alphonse reached out and grabbed his hand so he didn't walk away, Edward didn't hesitate to turn back and Al forced himself to stand, he was eating, he wasn't really weak…but his legs felt like jelly now that Edward was standing right there, their heights almost even, their eyes just about level.

He saw the tears somewhere behind Edward's gaze, but they wouldn't spill, the last time Edward cried was when he'd successfully transmuted Al from the gate, he would probably never cry again.

But his eyes, his beautiful eyes, spoke volumes of his emotions.

Al felt the squeeze of Ed's hand around his own, warmer now that he'd been inside a while, and then he was pulled forward into a hug.

He had a full body tremble when he was pressed flush against Edward, one strong arm around his neck and the other around his waist, there was no space between them.

Alphonse felt every bit of Edward and –he was so ashamed- he pathetically wrapped his arms around Edward and squeezed himself closer still, loving the feeling.

Edward didn't hesitate to pull him as close as possible, feeling Al's desperation and without knowing, only encouraging the awful feelings having their bodies so close evoked in Alphonse.

There was a hand smoothing the hair at the nape of his neck, he'd broken into a cold sweat and he was trembling as he clutched at Edward's sweater tightly,

"Alphonse, tell me what's wrong, why won't you see a doctor? Is it…is it…" there was fear in Edward's voice, genuine fear, "…is it the transmutation…is something wr-wrong Al?" it was a painful whisper against his ear and Alphonse's lips pursed at the sensation, he clenched his eyes and his stomach twisted.

But he didn't let go, soaking up Edward's body heat, he felt so cold and Edward was warm and firm against his front.

"Al?" Edward pulled back slightly and Alphonse pressed his head to Edward's shoulder, he couldn't look at him, "…Al…" there was more desperation now and Edward let him go and took his face up gently.

He made Alphonse look at him, his worry etched into his face so obviously Alphonse felt even worse for the fact that all he wanted was to kiss Edward.

When had he ever thought such a horribly wrong thing?

He wasn't supposed to even consider anything like that.

His stomach continued to churn and his eyes teared up, he still held fistfuls of Edward's sweater, he made a small sobbing sound and Edward's expression deepened into something like grief. Al hated himself for the fact that Edward could feel real worry and fear, born of such pure concern while all Alphonse wanted was to just…

With a sniff he leaned forward and touched his lips to Edward's, he felt Edward – without a second thought- pucker his lips and then it was gone and there was a kiss on his cheek and Edward was hugging him again,

"Tell me what's wrong,  **please…** you're scaring me Alphonse…" his voice was strained now.

Alphonse felt bitter and disgusting, Edward could even kiss him on the lips platonically without pause and here he was wanting all the most sinful things while his lips tingled pleasantly.

Alphonse started crying all out right then, his face once again on Edward's shoulder, his brother only held him tighter,

"Alphonse, please…" he pleaded quietly.

"Ed?" Winry's voice was quiet and worried, she was standing at the door of the den.

"Tell her to go away…" Alphonse amazed himself at the harsh whisper he'd managed through his sobs.

Edward didn't seem to hesitate or slacken his hold,

"Winry, could you just leave us alone for a while, please?"

She must have nodded because her voice didn't grate on his nerves again and Edward's hand was rubbing his back and he was asking quietly what was wrong.

Alphonse hadn't intended to try to hide it, he wasn't stupid, he was rational and he knew he had to tell Edward, it was the right thing to do.

He managed to stop his sobs slowly and he breathed heavily for a while before he croaked out,

"We need to talk…I…I have something…I need to tell…you." He sniffed, another tremble wracking his frame.

"Okay…of course…" Edward said so perfectly gentle it was like a caress against his hair, "…let's sit down, so I can look at you, I want to look at you, Alphonse."

He noticed that Edward kept saying his full name, he knew Edward was panicking on the inside, his own insides probably twisting with a different kind of guilt. He was blaming himself somehow, Al just knew it, it was just like Edward to blame himself.

He felt them moving toward the couch but then he stopped and shook his head, his hand sliding easily into Edward's,

"Not here…we have to…-" he made a shaken sobbing sound, meeting Edward's worried eyes, "…we have to talk privately…" he sniffed again and squeezed Ed's hand, "…pl- please, brother…no one can h-hear…" he swallowed, his throat sore from all of his crying.

Again Edward just nodded, face still pale, he was always ready to acquiesce to anything Alphonse needed.

"We'll go upstairs, to my room…or yours, whichever you want, is that ok?" he said it quickly and was already walking with Alphonse to the door of the den, holding his hand firmly.

Alphonse just nodded and dropped his head so his short bangs covered his eyes, he knew as they passed through the lounge both Winry and Pinako would be staring but he didn't look, he just let Ed lead him upstairs.

Ed led them to Alphonse's room and Edward pulled him in gently and then closed the door quietly, never letting his hand go, Alphonse swore if he loved Edward any more he would simply melt.

Ed led him to the bed and they sat, Alphonse moved his knees when Ed's touched his and oblivious, Edward moved closer.

Alphonse couldn't face him and tell him such a disgusting thing, he hesitantly pulled his hand away from where Edward held it against his chest, even then, his older brother let the hand go without argument. Alphonse hated that he was so perfectly loving and accepting because that was right and what Alphonse felt was wrong.

He took Alphonse's hand retraction as a hint and moved away just a schooch, interpreting the gesture as Alphonse wanting space.

He'd do anything for Alphonse.

A few more sobs shook him and now that they were alone he let it out a little louder,

"Al, Al…please…please talk to me…?" there was a break in Edward's voice, at this rate he'd be crying soon too.

He placed the lightest hand on Alphonse's back to comfort him but his body tingled so inappropriately, confusing all the love he felt for Ed so badly it was sordid, he jerked away,

"Please don't…touch me right now…" he mumbled beneath a shiver and a sob.

The hand was gone.

There was silence and after a good minute or so he uncurled himself, he had been leaning over his knees partially as they sat on the edge of the bed, and he glanced at Edward.

He sat rigid, so tense it looked like it hurt, his face in his hands, elbows on his knees.

"Don't look at me…" Alphonse whispered desperately, "…just listen…o-okay?" he watched as his brother seemed like he might look, but again, without question remained with his face in his hands and he nodded slowly.

Another minute of silence and Edward mumbled a quiet, broken sound of Alphonse's name.

He sniffed and swallowed one final time before his lips parted,

"When I was away…" his voice was croaky, he kept his eyes on the floor, "…something…something happened…"

He should have chosen his words more carefully because Edward's hands came off his face, wide golden eyes burning with pure rage turned on to him and his voice was like sharp cold steel,

"Did someone fucking  **hurt you** , I'll fucking  **kill them**."It was like pure virulence.

Alphonse shook his head very quickly,

"No, no Ed…nobody…nothing…nothing happened  **to me** …I didn't mean that. I was fine…I was safe…this is…" he tore his eyes away from Edward's slowly softening features, "…this is about me…and…you."

The silence was deafening.

"What did I do Al? I'm sorry, I didn-…"

"Brother please…" he said and shut his eyes, more tears slipping over his face, "…if you'll please just listen…to me…I need to tell you…it's  **killing** me inside…" his voice was so low and shaken it scared him.

Edward fell silent.

Al sniffed loudly and gathered his shaking hands into his lap, pressing them between his denim jean clad thighs, he kept his face turned away from Edward,

"When I was in Xing…I realized something about…about me." He paused and raised a hand to brush his messy hair from his face before pressing it back between his legs tightly, "…I don't know when it happened. I can't understand how…I could be so…how I could…be so…disgusting…" he grabbed his hair then with both hands.

Curling in on himself again and shaking.

"Al…what are you…?" Edward said very quietly, probably hoping not to be silenced again.

Alphonse couldn't really drag it out anymore, very quietly, he said more to his knees but he knew Edward was close enough to hear him as he sobbed,

"…Edward I realized…that I have…ina-inapropriate…feelings…for you…" he sobbed loudly when he said that but didn't stop now that he'd started, "…I have…s-s…-sex…ual…feelings for you…" he visibly cringed, his entire body tensing with another loud sob, "…it's so wrong and I can't…I can't stop it, I've tried not to think about it…but I can't…Ed…" he couldn't stop crying long enough to speak again for several seconds.

The fact that Edward wasn't saying anything scared him and he cried more, he just cried so much he hoped he would pass out and never wake up.

Then there was a hand on the back of his neck, gently stroking the hair at his nape before it moved down to rub his back lightly,

"Alphonse, look at me." Edward's voice was firm.

It took a few moments and sobs but Alphonse uncurled himself, his middle hurt so badly from sobbing, he looked at Edward in brief glances, his eyes wet and face pale.

Edward looked slightly pale but his eyes were endlessly soft and concerned,

"Look at me, please." He asked again, his hand still making comforting circles on Al's back.

"It's…h-hard…" he cringed again, "…when I look at you, I'm ashamed of myself, I have such…my thoughts are so  **wrong**  Edward…" he was still speaking very quietly.

"Look at me Alphonse, you've been looking at me all our lives, it's no different now." He said firmly again and the hand on his back moved to his shoulder and then his arm, sliding down until he had a hold of Alphonse's badly shaking hand.

He didn't have to ask again because Alphonse forced himself to look at Edward, wondering just how pathetic he looked. Edward didn't fake understanding, he frowned but squeezed his hand,

"What made you…what makes you think…you feel these things?"

Alphonse's stomach turned when he thought again about the way he'd pictured himself being with Edward, his subconscious thoughts manifested themselves more powerfully when he was asleep. Torturing him when he had no control over it, putting ideas in his head he hadn't known he could fathom between two men, let alone his brother.

He took a few steadying breaths,

"It's…it's…I have thoughts…" his face contorted shamefully and he placed his free hand over his eyes, "…I have thoughts and dreams…of you…you and me…sexual dreams…" he was speaking so quietly Edward had to strain to hear him, "…I don't want to…you're my brother…it's wrong…" he mumbled, looked away and tried to pull his hand from between Edward's slender, rough hand, but he only held tighter.

"Alphonse, look at me…" he said again and waited until his younger brother did just so, face a pitiful sight of guilt and shame, tears and pain, "…when did this start, is there anything that brought it on…I didn't do anything did I? Did I ever…was I too close, have I been too close to you since you have your bo…-"

"No, no damnit!" Al actually shouted that time, then his voice lowered again and he turned to face Edward, "…this is  **not**  your fault!" he whispered harshly, "…you're the best, the most amazing brother anyone could ever have!" he squeezed Ed's hand firmly, "…this is me…somehow…somehow I've…twisted this. I've twisted our relationship…I didn't even know it was happening…until I…until…" he trailed off, eyes fixed on their hands between them.

"Until?" his voice still completely gentle, Alphonse thought it was heavenly.

"Until…you told me about…you and Winry…" he confessed quietly, "…I realized it then. I…that I…wanted to be with you…in that way…" he was shaking still, "…it made me sick…I've been sick ever since."

After some silence and no eye contact, Edward's voice was a steady calm,

"Okay…okay…" he said at length and fell silent again.

Eventually Edward took his hand back, Alphonse looked at him sadly, but he was just using his hand to brush his long bangs behind his ears and run a hand over his long pony tail distractedly.

Edward's hands were shaking too.

Alphonse spoke up quickly,

"Brother, please understand…please, I'm not telling you this because I…because I expect…anything…" Edward looked at him, his face still pure concern and now confusion, "…I don't expect anything from you, or to happen…I just…" he took a breath and brushed his own hair back again, "…I just had to tell you the truth, I can't keep it from you. It'll drive me insane…I know that's selfish…"

"It's not selfish…I'm glad you told me." Edward said surely, staring again at the floor thoughtfully, a light frown on his face.

"I'm sorry…" Al mumbled, wiping a few tears off of his face and averting his eyes.

After some more silence he heard Edward sigh and looked at him, worried about what would happen next,

"Edward?" he stared at his brothers chiseled side profile.

Ed turned to look at him, they were sitting facing each other now and Alphonse was relieved that Edward wasn't pulling away, their knees were touching and Edward took his hands, squeezing them both firmly as he looked straight into Alphonse's face,

"This…I want you to know, this doesn't change anything." He started seriously.

Alphonse blinked slowly, lashes still wet, he frowned,

"Okay…" his voice was small.

"You're my brother, there is no one... **no one** …" he emphasized, "…that I love or care about more, there never will be. Not even Winry." He said pointedly and then sighed again and shook his head, "I…um…what you're feeling, I don't…know what…or how to do anything about it-"

"Ed, you don't have to do any-…" he was cut off by the look Edward gave him, it was his turn to shush Al.

"I need time to get my head around it, maybe we can figure when things got like this for you, maybe we can help you move past it…" Alphonse nodded slowly, but somewhere deep down, he knew it wasn't going anywhere, sickness of that magnitude festered, he knew it, it scared him, but he still nodded.

Then Edward raised an eyebrow and sighed,

"But even if you can't, I still love you, that's not going to change, not ever, Al. This doesn't change anything, I really don't want you to push me away, I don't want you to take yourself away from me, not like that please. I could understand you moving away to start your life, because I'd know you were still there where I could reach you…but this…if you pull away from me because of this…I don't know how I'd get you back." he swallowed and his jaw tensed, holding back tears, "…and I can't lose you again, I won't make it this time…Al…" his golden eyes were open, adoring, understanding.

Alphonse should have known Edward would never leave him.

He smiled bitterly, not sure if things could really be okay.

After all, he still had his feelings and they would still be hurt…because there was Winry. Even though he wouldn't even seriously allow the notion of himself and Edward venturing down that path into his mind, he still didn't want Edward being with her…or anyone. It was so selfish, so twisted.

His stomach clenched and he took one of his hands back and to hold his stomach.

"What's wrong Al?" Edward leaned over when his head dipped, trying to see his face, "…tell me, don't keep anything in. You said this was making you sick, so something's obviously making you upset now." He encouraged quietly.

Alphonse nodded and just decided to say it, there was no point in keeping it in,

"It'll just hurt…that's all." He said quietly, "…but I know you have to have a life, I know you love Winry…" he turned away and slowly laid down on his bed on his side, curling into himself, he felt so nauseous, but it hurt more than it made him want to hurl.

He felt Edward get off the bed, the mattress rising slightly and when he opened his eyes he saw that Edward was kneeling next to the bed, their faces weren't actually all that close but Alphonse still felt his nausea turn into a flutter for a second before his self-revulsion made him cringe and tense again.

"I'll let you sleep now…" Ed said quietly, looking for all the world like Alphonse hadn't just confessed incestuous feelings to him, "…I won't hurt you Alphonse." He added even quieter and Alphonse felt himself nod slightly as they stared at each other.

Ed nodded back and smiled in his gentle way that made Alphonse both so happy and so sad.

"We'll talk some more tomorrow if you feel like it Al. You don't have to come down in the morning if you don't want to, I'll bring you breakfast because you need to eat…" he was saying in his big brother tone, Alphonse just nodded again and sniffed.

"Goodnight…" Edward leaned forward but then stopped, as if realizing what he was about to do and he looked uncertainly at Alphonse, "…I guess I shouldn't do that. I don't want to…uh…make you uncomfortable…" his face turned a little red.

Alphonse stomach clenched when he pictured himself grabbing Edward right then and kissing him.

He instead turned his face into his pillow and curled into himself further.

He felt Edward's hand give his hair a quick stroke and then he mumbled another good night, there was the sound of his uneven footsteps across the wooden floorboards, the door opening and then closing quietly a second later.

Edward was gone.

Alphonse started crying again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm now on [Tumblr](http://phenobarbitalfiction.tumblr.com/)  
> 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Coldplay
> 
> Verse: Post Manga, Deviation From Canon
> 
> Authors Note: This is my attempt at an Elricest story, I won't say it's realistically portrayed because that depends on the readers views.
> 
> Image Credit Goes to Lyson

 

 

__

* * *

_When you try your best, but you don't suceed_

  
_When you get what you want, but not what you need_   
_When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep_   
_Stuck in reverse._

  
_And the tears come streaming down your face_   
_When you lose something you can't replace_   
_When you love someone, but it goes to waste_   
_Could it be worse?_

  
_And high up above or down below_   
_When you're too in love to let it go_   
_But if you never try you'll never know_   
_Just what you're worth..._

_Lights will guide you home_  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you

* * *

Edward lay in his bed that night staring up through half lidded eyes at the shadowed ceiling, a sharp light cutting a line across the white walls from the slightly parted curtain, the light was from the front porch of the Rockbell house. It was dark out in the country side and they'd always kept that light on, since he and Al had been little kids.

He and Al.

He blinked and grimaced at the sandy burn in his eyes from lying awake for hours, tired but unable to sleep, plagued by every sort of emotion but mostly confusion and guilt.

He sighed quietly and brought an arm up from under his winter duvet to rub at his eyes and then over his face before pushing it back up to push his hair away from his forehead, he sighed again and averted his gaze to the wall beside his bed.

Some part of him was relieved right then that he and Al had started sleeping in separate rooms once they'd returned to Rizembool because with everything that had happened earlier…everything that Alphonse had said, he doubted he'd be able to sort through his emotions and thoughts with his brother a few feet across a bedroom floor from him.

As it was he lay there worrying about whether his younger brother was okay, wondering if he was still crying, if he was sleeping…if he was thinking about the things he'd confessed to Ed that he'd been thinking.

Edward felt a definitive chill run down his spine and the hand still half way into his hair at his forehead rubbed back down over his face in agitation. No matter how many times he replayed Alphonse's confession to him through his mind, trying to logically analyze it, to find something that could explain it, to find a variable he could work with to form a less –wrong – equation…nothing came to mind.

Edward had realized in his hours lying awake that Alphonse was right, he wasn't at fault this time.

He could find nothing wrong about anything he'd ever said or done to Al, he may have hugged him a little more than he guessed most male siblings did, he'd pampered him, always complimented him in everything he did, even fawned over him when he was feeling particularly happy to see him smile…he'd always loved Alphonse totally and completely…and platonically.

It stood for him to reason he'd done nothing to provoke a sexual reaction from his sibling.

His lip curled into an upset frown when he remembered the pain on Al's face when he'd sobbed out his feelings, he'd sounded so scared, so disgusted it made Edward a little nauseous, then and now.

It had been a few hours ago that his world had been tipped over by his brother, but it hadn't completely sunk in –his words- until he was in his own room long enough to digest it.

To understand…that his younger brother felt incestuously for him.

And that it had progressed beyond a curiosity and confusion to become a  **thing...**  a thing that made Alphonse sick and thin, scared and shamed…and now that it was thing, despite his telling Alphonse that they might find a way past it, he didn't really know if it was possible.

Once it became a  **thing** , it became real.

When their mother had died, the idea of bringing her back to life had been a fearful thought at first until it'd manifested into a  **thing**  and they'd set out to make it a reality because it was so real they had almost been able to taste it…even though they'd known it was wrong.

It had been the same for Edward when he'd acknowledged his brother's body was lost because of him, the confused guilt faded and it turned into a  **thing** , it became a reality –one he'd realized through the words of a man years his senior who knew well the guilt of destruction- and with that reality, he'd set out to get his brothers body back, at any cost, with any consequence. Wrong or right.

When he'd acknowledged he'd have to use the souls of Envy's abomination of a body to get back to Alphonse from inside of Gluttony, he'd done it. When he'd realized he'd have to give up his Alchemy to get Alphonse's body back…he'd done it.

All for Alphonse.

These  **things** , they were the pain, lies, deceits, sins, consequence, evils and the debts owed to a faceless keeper of the world, for every action there was a reaction…for everything gained, something must be lost, for every transmutation, there would be an equivalency.

In this sense, Edward felt he was guilty.

He blinked his sandy, reddened eyes and raised his right arm up above him where he lay, staring at it with a pained frown on his face, the light cutting across part of his hand, making it seemed bleach white.

His arm…he'd always though he shouldn't have had it back.

Alphonse was meant to have completely fallen away to the gate when he'd transmuted his soul for Ed's right arm, but Edward had still succeeded in getting him back…so now he wondered if Alphonse's…feelings, where some sort of payment for an in-equivalent trade that time.

He wondered with a pain in his chest, if for keeping his arm, when he'd transmuted Al back, something else had been taken that wasn't immediately or obviously visible. He didn't want to question whether something was wrong with Al's brain, after all, it was where feelings and all the like originated and if he'd fucked that up…how could he fix his brothers brain?

He dropped his arm down and his fist clenched to hit the mattress at the side of his thigh, his jaw tense. He was upset…with himself mostly, but some part of him was scared as well.

A problem he couldn't scientifically solve…or alchemically solve and once again it was happening to his little brother, conflicting his little brother.

 _'Hasn't Al been through enough because of me…´_  he sat up in the bed and leaned forward, bringing his knees up to rest his elbows on them as he ran his hands back through his hair.

At this point though anything he thought of was just speculation to find something to blame it on…because he knew the transmutation of Alphonse's body had been  _perfect_ , he'd done it himself, he'd touched his hands to his gate and seen every flawless calculation and every natural biological science of the human body formulate within his mind.

The flow of alchemic power he would use a final time in his young life channeling to recreate his brother on the other side of the gate and realign the body with his soul…then when he'd turned around and seen his brother's shell waiting for him…he'd known everything would be…alright.

It should have been right.

But it wasn't.

It was wrong.

He should have known better than to think he'd be given a chance at happiness so easily.

He was still a walking shit magnet and Alphonse was still feeling the repercussions for his fuck ups.

He glanced around his room, at his desk filled with books, papers and stationary- he knew his research was going to go on hold for an indeterminate amount of time.

He knew that come sunrise in a short hour or less he'd have to leave this room and face this  **thing** …this  **reality**.

He raised a fine blonde eyebrow, pushing the sound of Alphonse's pained confession from his mind for the moment as he decided to get a head start. He needed to decide what he was going to do and he knew whatever it was it couldn't be done in Rizembool.

With things as they were and in his condition, Alphonse's situation would become obvious if Winry or Pinako…especially Pinako, were to look closely enough. Alphonse didn't seem to have a very strong reign on his emotions about this, Edward had already thought it was odd early that evening when Alphonse had kissed his mouth in the den but at that moment, it'd seemed a desperate show of happiness to see him.

That's what he'd thought.

Until Alphonse had told him his feelings.

And he'd come to his room and  **thought** what Alphonse had told him.

And he'd realized that Al had never kissed him anywhere but on his cheek and only on rare occasion, he'd realized that when he'd been kissed on his mouth it was because his younger brother had  _intended_  it to be that sort of kiss.

Because of that he knew that it was serious…Al was  **acting**  on his impulses and feelings, probably subconsciously.

And he knew that they couldn't stay here and deal with it, he wouldn't let this problem paint any sort of distorted image of his brother to anyone.

Edward blinked slowly and turned to look at the slightly parted curtain, he knew that no matter what Alphonse felt, his little brother was a good person, the best he'd ever known and this little discrepancy would not change that. But he also knew that people –no matter how much they said they loved and could be trusted- were fickle.

He knew that no matter how much Winry and Pinako loved Alphonse, they'd never see him the same if they knew what was going on with him, they'd turn their judgment on him, even if it would be silent, and they'd have pitying and disapproving thoughts of Al, even if they'd never voice them and Edward was not about to let such a thing happen.

He would protect Al and he'd be there for him.

Even though he was confused, even though he really didn't know how to deal with Al's feelings, there would never be a day he wouldn't be there at his side.

He pushed his blanket off of himself, the coldness of the room setting in a little more now that the warmth was lost, he brought his legs over the bedside and touched his feet down, his right foot feeling the cool wood. He decided to get ready for what would be a very difficult day.

* * *

It was just after sunrise when Edward was dressed and washed up for the day, as always in Risembool the sun was high, the air was warm as he opened his bedroom windows fully and the grass fields were peaceful.

He'd been surprised Pinako hadn't woken up when he'd been creeping in the hall to the bathroom and back but then again, she was older and she often didn't react to things the way she used to.

It made him a little sad some days…knowing that she was just getting older and one day…

He smiled to himself, she'd lived long and she'd lived well.

He walked over to his mirror on the door of his wardrobe and gathered the length of his damp hair at the base of his neck, deciding to braid it. His hair was much longer than it had once been and open it sat on his lower back, braided it was an inch higher. After the long process of braiding and finding a tie for his hair on his desk, he took a breath and steadily walked over to his door to leave his room.

He knew someone was up because he heard sounds coming from the kitchen.

He'd hoped no one would be up, he'd planned to make a small breakfast for Al and take it up to him but he guessed now that was a ruined plan.

Moving quietly and fluently down the stairs in a black long sleeve T shirt and black jeans, Edward reached the bottom of the steps and padded through the living room, his bare foot silent and his automail thudding against the wood floors.

He expected to find Pinako in the kitchen making coffee for herself but when he saw Winry he felt his stomach do a flip flop and he experienced a sinking feeling.

Yesterday when he'd arrived…he'd been only interested in seeing Al and he'd barely even hugged her properly…

They'd said so much via their letters and calls…she was expecting so much from him.

Now…when he was unable to give her anything.

She glanced at him with raised eyebrows, she looked so pretty that he had to smile at her and he saw her blush but smile back all the same, her blue eyes completely adoring as she regarded him. It was almost startling to see her look at him so openly…he knew how she felt…but he'd never seen it in her face.

The sinking feeling made his chest tighten.

"You're up early, you're so lazy usually you sleep in at least until noon…" she said easily, conversing with him like she'd always done, except her tone was less friendly and more…personal.

Edward blinked at her and pushed some of his bangs behind his ear, his golden eyes taking in the length of her figure as she turned around from the pan sizzling on the stove, leaning against the counter to look at him with a smile.

She wore dark jeans with a blue long sleeve jersey since it was chilly in the house, her hair was open, long and framed her face quite attractively.

"Are you okay?" her smile turned into a worried look, "…is Al okay?" she pushed herself off the counter and walked closer to him.

Edward knew she'd ask, he didn't want to answer.

Knowing he had to say something he nodded,

"He'll be okay…" he said quietly under the sound of bacon frying.

"And you?" she was just in front of him now and he could smell her perfume.

"…I'm fine." He mumbled looking into her eyes.

He didn't try to stop her when she closed the gap between them and slipped her arms around his neck, she was almost a head shorter than him since he'd grown fully in the past years and he allowed himself to lean his head to meet her lips when she offered them to him.

He allowed himself to hold her around her waist and to slip his tongue past her lips, he allowed himself to kiss her thoroughly like he'd been wanting to for so long. It was the first time he'd ever kissed her but after their phone calls and letters of rather adult confessions it came naturally.

He needed to kiss her.

Because he knew he wouldn't be doing it again anytime soon…if ever.

After a quiet minute of her taste and her body pressed lightly to his, Edward's mind told him that Alphonse might decide to come down for breakfast and with every intention of not causing his brother pain, he pulled back from the kiss and watched as Winry's blue eyes opened and she smiled at him,

"I missed you." She leaned her head on his shoulder.

Edward's insides twisted at those words…she'd miss him when he left again too. Or hate him.

He nodded with a smile,

"The bacon is burning…" he mumbled smirking.

She squeaked and spun right out of his arms to rush to the stove, she was complaining in her Winry like way and he couldn't help but smile.

Edward settled himself down at the kitchen table after she saved the bacon, then waited while she started making scrambled eggs and sausages, also cutting up some bread slices for the table.

When she was almost done Edward stood up and grabbed plates from a cupboard.

She was just placing on the table the buttered bread plate when she saw Edward placing eggs alongside some bacon onto a plate,

"Jeez, can't you wait until I'm done…" she sounded mildly annoyed but mostly resigned to Ed's eating habits and lack of etiquette.

He had just placed two sausages on the plate when he looked over at her back, she was taking juice glasses out of a different cupboard,

"It's for Al…he's not well enough to come down for breakfast." He walked to the refrigerator and took out the orange and pineapple juice cartons, bringing them to the table.

He was grateful when she placed a glass beside Al's plate and then placed some bread onto the plate as well while he poured some pineapple juice, Alphonse preferred it to orange.

"Thanks…" he couldn't help leaning over and kissing her on her cheek and she smiled,

"Tell him I hope he feels better." She said with sincerity of someone who cared for his brother.

Yet he knew, her feelings wouldn't remain untainted should she find out.

Edward left the kitchen just as Pinako shuffled in and he mumbled a 'morning' and then hurried back across the living room to the stairs, he was glad he was out of there, Pinako was too perceptive for her own good.

He reached the top of the stairs with a small thud on his left foot and then walked down the hall to the bedroom that was a closet door down from his own, Winry's was across from Al's bedroom and Pinako's room was at the end of the hall next to the bathroom.

He didn't bother to knock on the door and instead used his elbow to push the handle down, bumping the door open with his foot before walking in and kicking it shut behind him, his eyes sweeping over the room and settling on Alphonse sitting in his desk chair with his arms on the window sill and his chin on his arms.

He was still in the clothes from the night before, now creased and his hair was in an untidy mess atop his head, when he glanced over Edward saw clearly how thin and pale Al was, his green eyes were so clouded.

He watched different emotions play over Alphonse's face before it settled to an awkward frown and the thin blonde pulled his knees up, his feet on the chair seat and he turned to gaze back through the window.

Edward gave a weak grin as he approached the desk that was behind his brother, setting the plate and juice down in between some papers Edward recognized as notes on medicine. For some time Alphonse had been writing to him about becoming a doctor and Ed had been really proud at the idea of his brother doing something so great.

Since Alphonse didn't acknowledge him or the food, Edward leaned against the desk and picked up one of the pages, scanning over the information about how liver biopsies are done, understanding and dismissing it in favor of conversation about it,

"This is study material…" he commented, "…are you going to apply at a university to study to be a MD…?" he was curious, since Alphonse seemed to be studying for a course he hadn't applied for to Ed's knowledge.

His brother glanced at him and then dropped his side gaze to the sheet of paper Ed was holding hanging over so the words were visible, he blinked slowly and turned around in his chair putting his bare feet on the floor, he took the paper with a shaking hand.

Edward frowned when he saw Alphonse was shaking.

He looked over the page and winced for some reason before squashing it up and dropping it into a dustbin under the desk, he leaned his elbow on the table and stared at the steaming food,

"I was going to…this stuff is what I had collected in Xing when I decided I wanted to be a doctor…I was getting a head start. Thought if I took advanced classes I'd qualify for my MD certification in 3 or 4 years instead of 7…" he trailed off and sniffed, reaching for the fork with the same shaking hand.

Ed frowned and watched Al's face, the upset lines around his eyes and mouth.

"Wouldn't you need to have finished school for that?" he kept Al talking, wanting to know his plans, plans were good, they consisted of goals and drive and they were healthy.

Al didn't look at him and stabbed the fork into a piece of bacon,

"I intended to contact General Mustang for a letter of recommendation and credit to my education, with a letter from a military General they'd accept me with no questions…"

Ed knew that to be true, even at Colonel status Mustang would have been able to certify Al as sufficiently educated for tertiary education. Edward was considered school qualified simply because he was once a Major in the military. The military hadn't been all bad really.

He watched Al barely take a bite out of the bacon piece before twirling the fork around in his hand idly.

Edward folding his arms over his chest and Alphonse glanced at him when he shifted, Edward saw plainly as Al's green eyes raked over the length of his body very quickly before his shaking hand placed the fork down and he stared at the desk, swallowing his chewed bite of bacon slowly.

Edward knew what he'd just seen and he ignored it for the fact he had no clue how to react to his brother sizing him up in such a way, Al didn't seem to know how to react to it either since he kept his head down and his shaking hand in his lap.

He took a breath to avoid awkwardly clearing his suddenly dry throat and making Alphonse feel worse, he'd just pretend to not have noticed,

"So, which university will you apply to?" he managed a smile.

Alphonse shook his head,

"Obviously I'm not going to bother…I can't even think straight lately." His voice sounded strained.

Ed didn't like the miserable resignation in Al's voice,

"That's pretty stupid don't you think…" he said candidly, he wasn't going to treat Alphonse differently than he usually would, since allowing  **it**  to change their relationship was not an option.

Alphonse frowned and Edward continued,

"You'd make a fucking amazing doctor, you'd be helping people, saving lives and changing lives…you shouldn't count yourself out yet. This is just throwing you off a little…it'll…-"

"It'll what?" Al's tone was cold.

Edward felt his insides get all knotted up, last night when they'd talked about it had been emotional and had been about implementing some sort of honesty and comfort. But today was different, it was out there between them now, plain and real and wrong.

Alphonse wanted to be  **with** him and that might never go away, they both knew it.

But then again,

"It'll get easier…it might even pass." Edward said firmly and turned to face Al, "…look at me, stop avoiding me…" he said again firmly.

Alphonse tensed and swallowed uncomfortably.

"Alphonse." Edward said expectantly.

With a sigh, tense jaw and a slow blink of tired green eyes Alphonse turned his head and looked up at his older brother, every ounce of the seriousness of this situation clear in his eyes.

Edward felt the weight of it but he went on,

"Think about it…" he said, deciding to approach this situation logically, "…in a way what you're feeling would be normal if it were directed at anyone else…" he said in a quiet voice, keeping his eyes locked with Alphonse's, "…its only because it's me that its making you feel this way. But attraction can shift to another person, it usually does and it's called dating…" he let his hopefulness show on his face.

But was deeply disheartened when Alphonse's mouth turned down at the corners and tears slipped too quickly from his eyes,  
"You…" he took a quick breath and looked away to shake his head, "…you don't get it. This is not… **attraction**  in its base form Edward!" he said quietly but harshly as he swallowed back sobs and placed both elbows on the table, head in his hands as his shoulders shook slightly to his quiet crying.

Edward wanted to comfort him very badly but could he or should he touch him?

He didn't know.

"This i-is…every-thing…I have ever felt for you. All of my love for you as…my…br-brother…" his voice broke, "…mixed with…mixed with…the kind of love you fe…eeh…" he gasped quietly around a sharp sob and then continued, "…the love you feel for a partner, lover…a girlfriend…" he squeezed tightly handfuls of his hair into his fists, "…and its overwhelming…this need…to  **have**  you." The last part was said quietly and angrily and was proceeded with a few more audible sobs.

Edward decided to place a hand on Alphonse's back, between his shoulder blades and he jerked away from the touch but Edward maintained it and frowned deeply,

"I think you should be a doctor…" he stepped around the subject, "…I think you should do something that's going to make you happy. I think…" he slipped his hand up to Al's shoulder and squeezed it, "…we should move to Central so you can go to the State University." He said quietly.

Alphonse was shaking badly beneath his hand and it hurt him to know his brother was hurting so badly.

"W-…we?" he stuttered out quietly.

Edward nodded even though Alphonse wasn't looking at him,

"Yes, we…I told you I'm not going to leave your side…" he reassured.

With tears in his eyes Alphonse turned properly to look up at him and reached his hands out, his thin hands grabbed two fistfuls of Ed's shirt to bring him a little closer and Alphonse's arms wrapped around his waist, his forehead pressed to Edward's lower stomach, his nose below the belt of his jeans.

Edward didn't tense at first because his mind told him Alphonse was just hugging him but his more recent conscious mind asserted itself a moment later and he realized with painful clarity that  **how**  Alphonse was holding him was not the way brothers did, Alphonse was pressing his face very nearly right against Ed's crotch but he wasn't doing it consciously.

This much was obvious because he still cried quietly, happy about Ed's decision. There was nothing about Alphonse that suggested he was aware that he was acting inappropriately and again Edward was forced to deal with how serious this situation was.

Alphonse was reacting naturally to him…like a partner might.

His hands were clutching at the shirt at Ed's back, he'd shifted to pull Edward to stand between his legs and he seemed to have no problem with pressing is face directly against Edward's generally private region as opposed to facing away from it, which might have been understandable.

"Alphonse…" he swallowed thickly, his body tense, he knew now how bad it was but he would still try to fix it, "…Al…" he said quietly, wondering if anyone would just walk in and see what could look awkward with his back facing the door the way it was. He needed to protect Alphonse.

"Al…" he shifted back a bit when Al's hands slid down from his sides to his waist, his fingers just about reaching the rise of Ed's backside. When he shifted back Al blinked through his teary red eyes and he glanced at Ed's tear damp shirt at his stomach and then Ed watched him take in the situation.

Edward expected him to let go and be awkward about it but what actually happened was far worse. Alphonse blinked slowly and his hands very calmly slid around Ed's waist before the contact was lost, Alphonse's gaze lingered on Ed's stomach before flitting downward and then away as he turned to sit with his legs back under the desk.

"Thanks Edward…I'm really grateful…" he sounded like he'd swallowed sand paper.

Edward had started shaking, the sensation of Alphonse running his hands over his waist had shook his insides. That blatant personal touch shook him to the core…Alphonse was almost  **bold**  about it just now and it scared him because it meant Alphonse was accepting how he felt and reacting to it very consciously.

He wanted to think it was too soon for such a thing but from what he could guess, these feelings were not all that new to Alphonse, so what he was dealing with was the already evolved form of  _want_  that went from…fantasy to initiating.

Just like he'd done with Winry , he'd fantasized while he was away and then earlier they'd made physical contact. Edward felt a rather intense worry curl in his stomach, Alphonse hadn't said anything about fantasizing but he'd said he dreamed of Edward.

Edward knew what dreams like  _that_  led to and then the thought occurred to him of what Alphonse might have done to sate the outcome of his fantasies much like Ed had done when he was away.

It was suddenly very uncomfortable and it took a lot of will power to not excuse himself from the room, that would place an obvious distance between them. Edward needed to not acknowledge Al's…advances…subconscious or not.

Or maybe he should acknowledge the conscious ones and tell Alphonse not to touch him like that…on purpose? He was glad Alphonse wasn't looking at him cause he knew his expression right then would probably make Al feel awful.

He felt unsettled by this situation but he wanted to handle it properly, gently.

This was his younger brother and he loved him so much, he couldn't push him away.

"I'm really not hungry…" Alphonse mumbled and broke the silence, Edward frowned,

"You have to eat something…you're too thin Al." he insisted without hesitation.

"I'll throw up…I'm nauseous." He mumbled again and rested his head on his arms on the desk beside the plate and juice.

Edward wondered if it was because of what just happened that he was nauseous, after all Alphonse did say his…desires…made him ill.

The thought of 'desires' conjured up frightening trains of thought and Edward pushed it from his mind quickly, he didn't want to know  _what_  Alphonse was thinking about him. Unfortunately he was delayed in neutralizing his face when Alphonse glanced at him and he saw the pain in his eyes when he saw the upset and uncomfortable look on Ed's face.

Burying his head back into his arms he started crying again.

It killed Edward a little every time he cried.

"Hey…come on stop crying. We need to make plans to move…Al, we're going to do this together…it's going to be okay." he pleaded quietly.

Alphonse's head moved from side to side,

"It's not going to be okay…I  **disgust** you…" his shoulders shook.

Ed frowned,  _'No you don't…'_  he thought honestly,

"No…you don't." he admitted aloud.

It was true, his nausea was mostly because he didn't know how to help Alphonse and it upset him. He did feel uncomfortable but it didn't change anything about how he felt or make him look at Alphonse in a bad way.

Alphonse got up suddenly and wobbled just a bit, balancing on the chair as he glared at Edward weakly,

"It'll get so bad you won't even want to be in the same room as me…even now you look like you don't want to be close to me." He was saying quietly and harshly, he walked passed Edward but he caught Al's thin arm in a firm grip.

When Alphonse turned Edward did too and stared straight into his face,

"Nothing's changed, I want to be here for you but…I don't know…if it's okay to be close to you…you look really sick and your shaking all the time. Isn't that my fault, isn't that what you said?" he whispered harshly, "…I don't want to make it worse. How can I ease…this…?" he gestured with his free hand to the tears on his brothers pale face.

"…hold me…" Alphonse weak glare had faded to a desperate look that Edward worried about and he frowned,

"Al…is that a good idea?" he said as gently as possible and let go of his arm, Al had said 'hold' and that alone was different than hug and he didn't want to encourage this.

"I want you too…please, Edward." He said it as a question but he was already folding himself into Ed's arms and embracing him, his face far too personally pressed into Edward's neck and his arms firmly wrapped around Edward's lower torso.

Again Edward's insides trembled and even his eyebrows drew together at the warm breath on his neck, just the night before in the den this hadn't seemed so wrong but it was different now, Alphonse pressing himself so flush against Ed's front was wrong.

He closed his eyes tightly and brought his shaking hands up and around Al's shaking form attached closely to him, he place his open hands on Al's mid back but did nothing else.

They stood that way for a while as Edward tried to understand why Alphonse was acting so forward when just the night before he'd been horrified to admit his feelings

He opened his eyes when he realized it was probably because he hadn't reacted badly.

He didn't want to blame himself for that, he didn't think it was a bad thing that he was trying to handle this situation carefully, but if it just seemed to give Alphonse a reason to seek this closeness from him, it was probably a bad idea to not put a stop to it.

He cleared his mind and tried to take the situation back to point,

"You need to eat and I have to tell Granny and Winry that we're going to leave for Central sometime soon…" he said again gently.

A beat of silence passed and then Al shifted but not away, his breath was hot against Ed's neck when he spoke and the older boy swallowed and grimaced slightly and the sensation,

"Do you still love me, Ed?" the quiet question didn't sound too dubious.

Ed's features softened,

"Yes, of course…always."

"You love Winry?" this one was a little colder in tone.

Edward frowned, how should he answer that? Honestly…love all things considered made sense, but that was in general, he hadn't  _fallen in love_  with her per say but it was the intent originally. Probably.

"Why?" he mumbled as a response.

"You smell like her perfume…" his tone was guarded.

Edward recognized jealously underlying in that simple statement…and his stomach felt heavy, because it meant Alphonse was possessive in a way he really shouldn't be about things he really shouldn't care about.

"Al…why are you acting like this…?" he spoke softly, "…we're supposed to be trying to deal with this together, not make the situation worse." He reasoned.

Alphonse still hadn't lost his grip on Ed.

He started shaking a little more and Edward felt so confused and frustrated, he wasn't trying to make it worse but apparently he was.

"I'm sorry…it just feels…" he pulled back from the embrace at this point and Ed felt a little relieved to see his tears were not wetting his face anymore, "…it hurts." He turned and walked to sit down on the bed.

Edward stayed where he was and slipped his hands into his pockets, ignoring how the cool air touched and tingled over his neck where Alphonse had been breathing warmly just a moment ago.

"What hurts?" he didn't think he'd done anything that could hurt Alphonse.

"I don't want to say…it'll make the situation worse and I mustn't make it worse." He scratched the side of his face despondently, his shoulders hunched.

Ed suddenly felt guilty for having kissed Winry and that didn't make any sense, Alphonse didn't even  **know**  that so why was he feeling guilty! And kissing Winry wasn't betraying Al…it really wasn't.

But somehow the interest in doing it again before they left –or anything else- suddenly seemed like a very bad idea and he pushed it from his mind.

He glanced at the food,  
"Eat…I'm going to talk to Granny and Winry…" he turned and left the room.

It felt bad to leave it like that but he needed some space, his shirt at his stomach was still damp with his brothers tears, his neck still tingled and over all Edward's senses were screaming for some air.

As he reached the front door downstairs he finally acknowledged another thing that shook his insides. Alphonse hadn't called him 'brother' even once.

* * *

"What?" her voice was painfully shaken, "Why Ed? You just got here  _yesterday_ …now you're going to Central?" she was already on the verge of tears and Edward felt like if she started crying he might just need to scream, it would be too much to have his brother and her crying.

They were standing at the washing lines to the side of the house, he'd been helping her hang the washing when he'd decided it was as good a time as any. It was just after 2 pm and Alphonse had only emerged from his room to go to the bathroom once, Edward had known this because he'd heard the shower running and both Pinako and Winry were in the living room with him eating lunch at the time.

He'd taken Al lunch and fetched the half eaten meal from breakfast, he'd also avoided all questions about Al from Pinako and Winry.

Now he was dealing with an upset Winry and it never failed to unease him.

"Actually…we're…moving to Central." He said quietly.

Her expression went from confusion to anger and settled on hurt,

"Moving…as in, permanently moving to live there… **for good**?" she stressed.

He noticed that the mention of 'we' didn't faze her. It was good, she'd be angry at him and not Al.

He ran a hand through his bangs and shook his head,

"Not indefinitely but I don't know for how long, Al's going to study at the university…-"

"And you? Why do you need to go?" she asked with shining blue eyes.

All he could do was lie,

"I'm gonna take up a work contract in Central…and it's kind of long term…but it's really good money." He said pathetically, telling the girl who wanted to be with him that he'd chosen work over her was awful as a lie really.

How would that not insult her?

He wasn't any good at this but…

…the truth was he'd chosen Al over her…which wasn't awful as far as he was concerned but for the reasons he'd chosen Al she'd probably not handle it well. So he chose to leave Al out of it completely.

She dropped the wet shirt in her hands back into the basket of wet washing she was hanging and shook her head, the wind of the small hill blowing some strands of her hair across her face which she hastily pulled away,

"I can't believe you…you said Ed…you said we'd be together. I'm sick to death of waiting for you!" she flat out yelled at him.

He cringed, he knew that Pinako probably heard that one, maybe even Al.

He sighed,

"I know and…I'm sorry it's like this Winry, I…-"

"Shut up Edward, don't give me your excuses!" tears finally slipped over her cheeks, "You never intended to stay here with me did you!?" she shrieked.

Edward felt it was a bit of an overreaction but he remained quiet, he probably deserved much worse. She was always waiting…that part was true.

"Say something!" she shrieked again.

Edward didn't know what to say, that he was so sorry? That she wasn't as important as Al? That he wasn't going to change his mind? That he hated to see her cry?

"Please don't cry, Winry." He stepped forward.

She punched him.

He'd literally walked into it.

It hadn't hurt him so much physically as it did emotionally, especially as she started crying openly and cradling her fist, she might have broken something from the way she cried and cradled it, Ed doubted she'd ever punched someone or knew how to.

"Are you okay?" he stepped closer to her.

"Leave me alone! Damn you, I won't wait for you anymore!" she rushed away from him around the house and out of sight.

He stared at the green grass and sighed.

He figured there was no way that could have gone any better, he ran his fingers over his cheek and jaw line, it barely throbbed but there'd still probably be a small bruise there.

Anger settled in side him right then, he hated this, he hated hurting her…he hated hurting Al.

Why did this have to happen to him?

"Fuck!" he punched the wooden wall of the side of the house and left a dent in the wood, he clenched and unclenched his hand, barely registering the throb of ache but his hands were far too used to hitting things for him to care. "Fuckfuckfuck!" he punched the same spot a few more times and breathed through clenched teeth as he seethed and everything and nothing.

He wondered if he'd ever be able to make things right…but considering her last words, he doubted it.

Feeling a deep pain settle in his chest Edward stared at the splintered wooden dent and then back to the washing basket, dismissing them both and heading back inside.

* * *

Pinako gave him very dirty looks all afternoon and evening while Winry was locked up in her room, but she didn't say anything and Edward worried again about her perceptiveness and avoided being in a room alone with her for too long.

He had decided that leaving sooner rather than later was best, with the tension in the house right now he might lose his cool if they stayed. It wasn't like they hadn't up and left on a whim in the past, so it wouldn't be so different. They'd take the first train out in the morning and book a hotel while they looked for a suitable apartment in Central.

That sounded like the best way to get the ball rolling.

He carried a cup of tea and a piece of pie up to Al's room just after 9 pm and let himself in.

He walked over to the bed where Al was laying; he'd cleaned up and was in some fresh clothes but they were no less creased after lying in bed all day.

Ed placed the cup and saucer with pie on the bed side table and then sat down a little heavily on the bed.

Al glanced back at him and then sat up slowly and pulled himself up against the headboard, his eyes once again sweeping over Edward, who ignored it and look to the half-eaten lunch on the desk.

He sighed.

"You're not eating."

"I'm trying." Al said reasonably and reached for the cup of tea, wrapping his thin fingers around the smooth warm cup base as he sipped.

A small area on the left side of his face where Winry had punched him had turned a dull blue/purple color near his jaw line and he felt Al staring at the bruise.

"Thank you, Edward." He said quietly, thanking Ed in general he supposed.

Ed again noted Alphonse said his full name.

He sighed and leaned forward, elbows on knees,

"I came to tell you that we're going to leave tomorrow morning, things are pretty awkward out there…" he tipped his head in the direction of the door, "…I don't really think it'd be fair if I stick around after making Granny and Winry so upset." He leaned his head in his hand on the right side.

"Okay, whatever's best." Al was agreeable and Ed was grateful.

"We'll get tickets at the station in the morning and pack minimally…" he added quietly, his exhaustion setting in.

"Alright…"

Silence settled and Ed closed his eyes where he sat, enjoying the peace of the night around Rizembool. He heard the mug thud against the wood side table as Alphonse settled it there and then he looked over at him.

He'd leaned forward and Edward forced himself not to lean back when Alphonse ran his fingers over the bruise on his cheek ticklishly light.

"She shouldn't have hit you." He sounded a little upset.

Ed sighed and laughed bitterly and short,

"She thought I was coming back here to marry her…I think I deserved it." He stared at the floor.

"Thank you…" Al said again.

Edward was about to tell him to stop saying that when the bed sunk right beside him and Alphonse almost kissed the bruise on his cheek, Ed instinctively leaned away just before it happened, they stared at each other frozen that way for a moment, Alphonse looked pathetic and Edward figured he probably looked about the same.

"You don't have to…" he changed his sentence in his head, "…you shouldn't do that." Ed said quietly.

Alphonse smiled sadly,

"I know…" he leaned back.

The only light on was the lamp on the desk across the room and Edward thought the dull lighting wasn't effective enough in shining light on Al's expression,

"Then why'd you do it?" he tried to sound like it was a small joke.

Alphonse sighed and didn't answer, instead he picked up the saucer and held it out to Ed,

"Have the pie, thanks for the tea." He lay down when Ed took it and rolled over so his back faced the older man.

Edward held the saucer in his hand as he stared at Al's back and his side, it rise and fell lightly as he breathed.

He found himself wondering how Alphonse could look at him and want anything like  **that**  with him.

Alphonse was a very attractive man, he was a wonderful person but they were  _brothers_  and Edward just didn't get it, he didn't see Al that way. He didn't know how it had come down to Al misconstruing his love for Edward.

He looked over the form of his brother and he simply sighed and stood up,

"Good night Al. Be ready by 7 tomorrow okay…"

"Okay, good night…" he said quietly.

Edward smiled and started toward the door when he heard Alphonse say very quietly,

"I love you, Edward."

He shut his eyes tightly at how those words no longer made him feel happy and grateful but now simply scared him with their weight, all the same he kept his voice light as he reached for the door handle with his free hand,

"Love you, Al." he stepped out and closed the door behind him quietly.

Edward went to his room and spent the night with uneaten pie at his bedside while he stared up at the ceiling unable to find sleep amongst his worried thoughts.

* * *

The next morning they left the Rockbell house early with just their suitcases, Granny Pinako watching them go with disapproval written clearly across her wrinkled features and Winry nowhere to be seen.

Edward felt like everything weighed very heavily on his shoulders as he walked away from his once home with his brother, pale and thin, at his side.

Hadn't they returned here much like this so many years ago…except happy?

Where had the happiness gone?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Sia Furler
> 
> Verse: Post Manga, Deviation From Canon
> 
> Authors Note: This is my attempt at an Elricest story, I won't say it's realistically portrayed because that depends on the readers views.

 

  
_I saw you cry today_   
_The pain may fill you_   
_I saw you shy away_   
_The pain will not kill you_   
_You made me smile today_   
_You spoke with many voices_   
_We travelled miles today_   
_Shared expressions voiceless_

  
_Began an end today_   
_Gave and got given_   
_You made a friend today_   
_Kindred soul cracked spirit_

  
_Living in your head_   
_Without anything to numb you_   
_Living on the edge_   
_Without anything to numb you_

_It has to end to begin_

* * *

Alphonse was starting to scare himself.

Something had changed, something in his already weak and disturbing frame of mind, had changed. And not for the good, he knew it, he knew it and yet he felt powerless to fight it.

He was so exhausted as it was, he still hadn't had proper sleep, not since before Edward came home or the previous night. He assumed he knew what had changed, he felt like it had something to do with Edward not yelling obscenities, hate and anger at him for his disgusting feelings.

His reaction had actually made Alphonse nervous, before confessing his feelings he'd imagined many scenarios of how it would play out between him and Edward and while none of them involved violence from his brother –since Alphonse knew his older brother would never hit him with malicious intent- they did include some horrible words being said, yelling and crying.

And after Edward had left his room that night and he cried until he could hardly breathe since his nose had blocked up and his chest and stomach hurt, Alphonse still couldn't stop wondering  _why_  Edward hadn't had any sort of negative reaction.

He knew well, so well even as he sat right then after all of Ed's acceptance, that it was wrong and that his brother had every reason to be disgusted, horrified, hateful even…yet there had been none of those feelings in Ed's demeanor, not that first night or the day after.

He'd seen just a little discomfort on his brothers face at a certain point, but nothing severe even though he himself had reacted as though it was…no matter what, Edward was faultlessly calm, understanding caring and loving.

It was not  **good**  for Alphonse's state of mind.

It was making strange feelings happen to him, making strange thoughts find their way into his mind.

It was changing something…and he didn't want it.

Too much had changed already.

He was sitting in the private train car with Edward across from him, the older blonde had a cheek resting in his palm where he leaned his arm against the arm rest beside the window and a thick book opened in his cross legged lap, his eyes moving fluently along the pages which he turned after a minute each.

He was sneaking stares at his older brother since Edward was reading which meant getting his attention would take nothing short of a large disruption - possibly only an explosion - since it was a book on chemical reaction alchemy from a new author Alphonse wasn't familiar with.

"Any good?" he croaked, his voice was pathetically hoarse from all of his crying again the previous night, he was trying hard not to cry around Edward but it wasn't easy. He was so tired.

He was surprised when Edward immediately glanced up at him, there'd been many a time where Al could have an entire conversation with himself while Ed was reading and not get a response.

This reaction told him Edward probably wasn't focused on the book, or he was just focused on both the text and Alphonse.

Edward sighed and raised his eyebrows as he tapped his fingers against the page of the book he had open,

"It's amateur, there are some theories in here worth looking into, but over all there's nothing in here that hasn't been researched, tested or validated before…" he trailed off, his eyes shifting lazily from Alphonse's sickly appearance to the moving landscape beyond the window.

"You've already read it, haven't you?" Al found it in himself to smile slightly.

"Twice before this…" Ed offered a small grin of his own.

He felt a little better when they talked, even if it was about silly things, when they weren't both quiet it provided him with a temporary illusion that things could be okay.

"Why are you reading it again if it's no good, that's unlike you?" he felt a little chilly, the cold creeping into the train from the snowy land outside, he pulled his brown coat tighter around his thin frame.

Edward had glanced at him and seen him shiver,

"All of my good stuff is still in transit from Creta to Rizembool, it wouldn't have arrived for days…" he stood up and reached up to where he'd put his coat on the sleeping bunk, "…I have some great new stuff, there's a few books I bought for you specifically." He pulled the coat down and turned around, crossing the two foot space and placing his coat over Alphonse.

Al smiled and thanked him, using his hands to adjust the black coat better over himself. Edward was wearing a black waist jacket similar to the one that he used to wear back when he was in the military, except this one had a zipper and no lining, underneath it he had on a black cotton shirt, worn with a black jeans and laced boots.

He knew Edward preferred boots to loafers and formal shoes in winter.

He ignored the voice in the back of his mind that told him Edward looked really attractive, he'd ignored it all morning. He'd also ignored how good Edward smelled, he'd ignored when Edward had stepped back from purchasing their tickets and bumped into him –it had been his fault for standing unconsciously closer to Edward than usual. He was trying to ignore all close brushes or contact.

He'd apologized and Edward had as well, though less awkwardly than he had.

He thought back to that morning when they'd been buying the tickets and he looked out of the window, Edward sat back down, crossing his lean legs again –Alphonse forced himself not to look.

He'd seen the thought of which tickets to buy worrying his brother that morning as he looked through the available train compartments and seats. Alphonse had honestly thought Edward would buy two seats in the open car, even if it was two days to Central from Rizembool, they'd slept in the open cars before many times. Yet Edward had spent a few minutes, frowning as if considering the option heavily before he finally paid extra for a private train car.

It amazed him yet again, even though it shouldn't have, that Edward was considering his feelings. He was shaking less and feeling entirely less self-conscious in here than he would have been with people watching him in the open car. Perhaps Edward had seen how he shivered unpleasantly when people looked at him…Alphonse's skin would crawl under anyones gaze ever since he'd left Xing, he felt like everyone could see his shame.

"You wanna read it?" Edward was running a hand over his long ponytail while he held the book lazily in Al's direction, his eyes held no contempt or worry about anything wrecking their lives at the moment, Edward looked about as nonchalant as usual

Alphonse wondered how he did it?

He shook his head subtly,

"My eyes are sore…" he mumbled, "I haven't been getting enough sleep." He admitted although since Edward's eyes were a little bloodshot and his fair skin under his eyes were dark as well he figured it was same for him.

Ed didn't say anything, he just placed the thick book on the seat next to him and looked back out through the window.

Alphonse closed his eyes and leaned his head against the cold window pane but he jerked back, forgetting it was high winter and the glass would be unpleasantly cold.

"Why don't you lie down and try and get some shut eye?" Edward gestured to the bunk above where Alphonse sat.

Alphonse shook his head quickly.

He was not about to fall asleep with Edward in the same room as him, he'd been very happy that they no longer shared a room as it was. It didn't always happen, but some nights he'd wake up with a shameful hard on that would make his loins ache and tears slip from eyes after some filthy, incredible dream about Edward and even if he guessed it was a slim chance of that happening right then, he wasn't about to risk it.

"I'd rather not…uh, what are our plans in Central?" he changed the subject, hoping Ed's coat covered his shaking hands sufficiently from view. Once those memories dredged themselves up to his consciousness, it was always hard to banish them from his thoughts.

He pushed the vivid thought of Edward's thin, slightly rough hands against his naked skin forcefully away as he listened to Ed's words,

"I didn't want to contact anyone, not Mustang or Gracia or anyone yet…I thought it'd be better if we got settled at least a little bit. So we'll stay at a hotel tonight then tomorrow we'll buy the paper and look through some apartment listings. I was thinking North Central would be the best place to look…"

"North Central isn't exactly cheap, Ed." He said with a small crack in his voice. He knew that was the area where Mustang lived, or had lived, he didn't know if he still did, but it had always been an expensive area.

"Yeah but it's the closest to the University." Ed pointed out.

Alphonse was wracked with guilt when he once again realized Edward was just thinking of him,

"I can commute you know…there are trams and cabs…" he reasoned.

"Well think about…" Edward raised his eyebrows but still looked pretty lazy, "I could either pay for transport every day, I could buy a car or…we could spend a reasonable amount of money a month on an apartment and you can just walk to the University."

Honestly the last option sounded best but Alphonse wondered,

"Edward, how much money do you have…" he realized the question was a little rude, "…I mean, can you really afford all this and University for me, even if I do get a part time job while I study, it'll hardly be a big contribution." He said trying to seem less forward about Ed's finances.

Even though Edward never explicitly acted as though he was guarded about how much money he had, Alphonse also noticed he never did ever actually  _say_  just how much money he had.

Edward uncrossed his legs and leaned his chin in his gloved palm again,  
"Don't worry about that, besides I will get work, I've had plenty of offers from Central…" he said as vaguely as Alphonse suspected he would.

Absently Alphonse's green eyes trailed over Edward's relaxed posture and downward over his lean waist, his eyes lingering and his mind betraying him by memorizing the natural rise of Edward's jeans at his crotch and the shape of his muscled legs in the well fitted jeans.

It was disturbing how much reaction he had physically to these things, he'd always thought he was so attracted to girls and their soft natural curves, their round faces floral sweet smells. But when he thought of the hard sculpted muscles of Edward's body and the smell of his brother's cologne on his skin, he felt quite a bit more flustered than he had been when he'd seen Mei naked.

He got more flustered than he ever did for anything really.

That's what was scary, that's why he was scaring himself – because when he got flustered all he wanted was to  **act**  on it.

He thought back to the day before when he'd practically forced Edward to hold him in his room, he'd purposely pressed himself against his brother, purposely breathed into and from his warm neck, inhaling his scent and letting the smell bring butterflies and heat coils to his lower abdomen.

Then he thought of when he'd almost kissed Edward's bruised cheek, just because he wanted so badly to do it.

Just like in the den when he'd kissed Ed's mouth, Alphonse hated that when the urges happened, he really couldn't stop them. He just couldn't understand  **why**!

When he'd first started liking Mei he'd never been so forward!

No matter how much he had liked her before he realized his feelings for Edward, he'd always been in control, yet with Edward those boundaries seemed to fall away.

 _'Is it because he's my brother? Is it because in the back of my mind we've always been close and he's never pushed me away? Am I being so forward because I feel like it just should be okay?'_  he frowned and clenched his shaking hands under the coat that smelled like Ed.

"I'm sorry Edward." He whispered but kept his eyes on the window.

Edward had closed his eyes but he opened them at Al's words,

"Huh, for what?"

Alphonse nearly scoffed at the stupid question but instead he just scowled at Edward,

"For  **this** , for everything that's happening because of me…for…for invading your personal space yesterday." He looked away again.

Edward blinked and then smiled in that soft way he reserved only for Alphonse, he stretched his legs out and tapped Alphonse's black formal shoe with his boot to get his attention, when Al looked at him he tilted his head,

"It's gonna be okay Al, we've been through worse than this."

Alphonse sighed but didn't say anything, in all honesty he wasn't sure if believed that. He couldn't fathom thinking it but he did – he thought that he'd honestly be better off in an unfeeling suit of armor for the rest of his life, than to have dreams about being sexed up by his own brother.

His tummy twisted with mild nausea but he tried to ignore it since he didn't want to throw up and instead closed his eyes and leaned his head back, deciding to rest his eyes since he couldn't sleep.

* * *

The station of Central was noisy even at 6 pm early evening, people got off the train and were greeted by family, friends, lovers and new acquaintances. Edward and Alphonse were leaving the train after a loud, large man and Edward was just short of shoving his slow ass out of the way with his boot before he finally cleaned the exit door.

He was annoyed since the train had been delayed at the last 'via' stop and so they were 3 hours later than scheduled, they smelled like train and they were cold, he knew Ed's left leg stump was hurting, throbbing dully around the port, Edward had described the pains to him so many years ago. Alphonse was no better really, Central was colder and with his loss of weight recently he had significantly less meat on his bones to keep any natural heat in, on top of that he was walking shakily through the crowds, hoping no one was looking at him.

They both looked pretty shitty.

"Let's get a cab…" Edward reached back and took Alphonse's suitcase from his hand, carrying both of their luggage's.

"I can carry it…"

"Just try to focus on staying upright." Edward said pointedly, glancing back at him.

Alphonse frowned embarrassed, he didn't think Edward had noticed how he'd swayed when they first stepped out into the crowds, he needed sleep badly.

He stayed a step behind Edward, who cleared crowds effortlessly with his trademark 'move or die' facial expression. They reached the outside of the station within a few minutes and some snow had just started to fall. Edward had taken his coat back when they leaving the train but Alphonse saw him glance over as if considering whether he should give it to him again.

"I'm fine…we'll be at the hotel soon." He reassured Ed and saw him nod after considering it.

They approached the road side where some cabs lined up, there weren't very many though, Alphonse figured many people were going to and from Central station more often at this time of year.

In about a week State Holidays would start and run into the first week of the New Year, before people would go back to work and school would start again. Three weeks of holidays was something they'd once looked forward to, because Edward and he would be able to just research and not have to report to the military…although sometimes they'd still go in if Mustang insisted.

He remembered how Edward would kick the door in and yell about how annoying Mustang was every minute of every day and Mustang would calmly greet Edward with a smirk.

Alphonse used to think back on those memories with a fond smile, thinking of how Ed's ears would get red when Mustang, Havoc and Breda made subtle comments about his height.

At one time he'd thought it was a bother how much energy Ed wasted but now he thought back on it and the word 'cute' came to mind.

So he forced himself not to think about it. He tried to think about it all as little as possible.

They got into a cab that Edward had walked over to after putting their bags in the back behind the back seat.

"Where to?" the older man in the driver's seat mumbled around a cigarette.

"The Astoria Hotel." Edward was running his gloved hands through his hair to clear the snowflakes and Alphonse watched him do it.

He wanted to touch Edward's hair but he didn't.

The drive was quiet, neither of them spoke and after 10 minutes they arrived at the front of the hotel. They got out at the same time, Edward handed the Cenz owed to the driver through the window and Alphonse busied himself with fetching their suitcases.

As the cab drove away, Edward took his suitcase and Alphonse held on to his, smiling at Edward's disapproving look and trying not to pay attention to how close Edward had leaned when he tried to take the suitcase away.

They made their way into the hotel lobby from the cold, at the front desk Edward booked one room with two beds like they always did, this time his decision seemed to be made a little quicker but Alphonse knew he'd considered two separate rooms as well.

This time when Edward took out his wallet Alphonse glanced at it, he was mildly surprised to see Edward carrying so much Cenz on him, even when they'd travelled around Amestris in the past Edward never carried more than 100 000 Cenz at a time.

"I made a withdrawal before I left Creta…" he explained when he saw Alphonse's raised eyebrow and gaze settled on the notes filling his leather wallet.

Alphonse just nodded but didn't say anything, just waited as Edward paid the 9ooo Cenz for their room for the night and then took the keys from the assistant. Alphonse wondered again why Edward was forking out so much money in an expensive place The Astoria, they'd always stayed in cheaper places before, they never usually paid more than 3000 or 4000 Cenz for a room which was pretty average.

As they left the lobby and began walking up the stairs Alphonse glanced at Edward,

"Why are you spending so much on a hotel…?"

Edward looked at him just when they turned up the next set of rich red carpeted white marble stairs,

"What do you mean, you don't wanna sleep in some shit hole do you?" he grouched.

Alphonse frowned good naturedly,

"Ed, we used to sleep in places cheaper than this and they weren't shit holes." He said pointedly.

"Don't say shit." He grouched again.

"Ah, fine, they weren't bad places." He knew Edward didn't like when he swore.

Edward sighed and they walked along the well-lit cream painted and ornate wood covered hall,

"We've never stayed in a hotel together while you've had your real body back, I'd rather you didn't know just how uncomfortable those spring mattresses and dusty hotels really are."

Alphonse frowned sadly, it was true they'd never done that but he was  _once again_  faced with Edward's ability to think of him and his well-being.

"…oh…" he smiled stupidly and almost unconsciously bumped shoulders with Ed, "…thanks Edward."

He noticed the smallest frown on Ed's face when he said thanks but he didn't have time to ask what was wrong, they arrived at their door and Ed unlocked it. The room was really nice, the curtains were heavy and made the room warm, the bed linens looked clean and fresh, so did the carpet and the walls and the room smelled lemon scented.

The last light was fading outside just when Alphonse clicked on the main room light and it cast a soft beige light over the furnishings as he put his suitcase down near the door,

Edward had placed his suitcase down beside the bed near the hotel windows and was shrugging off his coat when Alphonse looked at him…and all of a sudden the room seemed far too small.

For Edward, he supposed, taking off his coat, second jacket and unbuttoning his cotton shirt while his brother was in the room was not immediately awkward. This had once been perfectly normal, Edward had never been shy about walking around in his boxers or changing from towel to underwear around Alphonse.

But right then, it seemed far too  _tense and hot,_ because their circumstances had changed.

Edward had just opened the last button of his shirt and it fell open to reveal what Alphonse had seen many times but not since his feelings had turned sordid, Edward's defined chest, his traceable abs and the not so subtle lines of the v shape inner lining his narrow waist, almost directing Alphonse's wide frightened lustful gaze lower.

"Edward." He managed to say over the sound of Ed's belt buckle, when he felt a stirring of his insides, both arousal and nausea.

Edward –who somehow managed to forget about EVERYTHING – glanced at his younger brother with one hand pulling the belt from the loops of his jeans.

He blinked and then Alphonse's red cheeks and shamed look finally brought back his senses, Edward frowned but he didn't bother to cover up his chest,

"I'm going to take a shower…" he said quietly as he walked to the bathroom door across the bottoms of the beds.

Alphonse let out a shaky breath when then door shut and his hand slid to cup the hardness forming in his own jeans, he cringed and shivered at the light touch but did nothing else, he wouldn't rub or squeeze or anything that in any way could mean he was pleasuring himself to the thought of Edward.

There was a line and he had to force himself not to cross it.

With short breaths and more than a slight panic in his eyes and shaking hands, he walked over and sat on his bed, trying to get a handle on his feelings and the throb of heat in his body. He swallowed slowly and licked his lips, closing his tired eyes and running shaking hands through his hair a few times.

He frowned when he heard the shower switch on and his mind was flooded with images of Edward naked and wet.

With a small sharp inhale he opened his eyes and got up, he rushed to the door and left the room quickly, he hadn't taken his coat off so the chill in the halls outside of the room wasn't too bad.

* * *

Alphonse walked along the familiar streets of Central, he was heading in a specific direction.

After crossing a few streets and avoiding concerned and judgemental gazes of a few people who perceived his sleep deprived and overly hunched appearance in different ways, he came to the pharmacy he'd known was on this street and he walked inside quickly.

He made his way over to the isle where they had natural sleep remedies, he saw teas, powders and even throat drops but they all said 'mild' and Alphonse didn't need to be mildly sedated, he needed to pass out.

With a sigh, he moved his hands around his hair in a way he thought would neaten it, he hadn't washed it since the day before they left Rizembool and since it was short it had oiled out somewhat.

He decided there wasn't very much he could do about his appearance and so he walked up to the counter,

"Hi…" he said in his usual pleasant voice that everyone knew him for, his smile making his eyes light up very slightly.

The middle aged pharmacist lady glanced at him over the top of her glasses and then smiled, coming over after placing a box of some pills onto the shelf in the back,

"Hello, can I help you?" she wasn't shy about giving him a small frowning once over.

"Yes, please." He ignored her scrutiny, "…I haven't been sleeping lately. I could really use some sleeping pills, just so I can catch up." He kept his smile easy and sweet.

That was another thing he'd learned once he'd gotten his body back, the many uses of a well-developed fake smile. Edward didn't quite have it down, but he'd always been better at the 'I'll eat you alive if you don't give me what I want' smile.

That one Alphonse wasn't sure he'd ever master.

She didn't hesitate as much as Al thought she would, apparently his appearance didn't make her think twice about selling him drugs. She walked away and Alphonse saw her searching for something before she came back and transferred a few pills from a blister pack into a small clear plastic pill container.

She then took a pen and a sticky pad and wrote in some information in the unfilled spaces,

"What's your name?"

He blinked and looked up from the dosage directions she'd been filling in,

"Um, Alphonse…Elric." He wondered if she'd recognize the last name but she didn't look at him and just wrote his name in.

When she was done she picked up another pad of papers with pre typed information sheets and started writing in the same info, Alphonse signed the paper as she told him the amount he owed and then he took his wallet from his back pocket, he opened it and was relieved to see he had enough on him.

The rest of his travel money was still in his suitcase.

Once he had the pills he felt a little less stressed out, he'd distracted himself enough during his walk to the pharmacy that his earlier fluster wasn't bothering him so much and he could look forward to a good night's rest.

He made his way back to the hotel in the cold Central night weather and then up to the room, letting himself in and glancing around once he closed the door to see Edward standing at the window in a loose sleeping pants and a T shirt.

He turned around and glared at Alphonse,

"You could have told me you were going out! I didn't even know if you were okay!" he walked over, his wet hair was in its usual ponytail.

"Why wouldn't I be okay?" he asked sheepishly as he started to take his coat off.

"Because of…because earlier…when I…." his cheeks turned the faintest red color, "…you looked so upset before I went in the shower." He said through clenched teeth and turned away from Alphonse.

The blush was a little distracting but Alphonse felt too bad for running off and so he blinked and looked at Ed's tense shoulders,

"I'm sorry, I went to the drug store…" he reached into his coat pocket where it hung over his arm and pulled out the small container with ten pills in it, "I wanted to get a good night's rest for once…and you could probably use one too huh?" he held the container out to Ed.

Edward had his hands on his hips but he turned back took the container with his right hand and read the name of the pills, he'd taken them before, they were pretty decent sleep meds. He sighed,

"This was a good idea actually…but you could have told me." He gave Alphonse an annoyed look.

"I needed some air." Alphonse mumbled and walked over to his bed.

He glanced over and saw Edward slouch a little before he walked over and sat on his own bed,

"We should order room service."

"I'm not hungry." Alphonse said quickly as he tried to decide whether it was okay for him to get undressed.

Just because he had sinful thoughts about Ed, didn't mean the other would react badly to him undressing.

That made him a little sad to realize but he never the less pulled his jersey up over his head and tossed it onto the bed before starting to unbutton his white cotton shirt.

As he removed his shirt and stood with his white vest and pants on, Alphonse glanced at Edward and found his older brother staring at him. He paused with his hands on his belt and Edward's golden eyes met his,

"Should I undress in the bathroom, am I making you uncomfortable?" he mumbled with wide eyes.

Edward raised an eyebrow,

"Don't be a dumbass." He said in his usual harsh way, "I'm looking at how thin you are…damnit Al, you need to pick up weight, you skip any more meals and you'll be back to the way you were outta the gate." He grumbled.

Alphonse's lips thinned in irritation and he removed his belt and started undoing his pants,

"That's a ridiculous exaggeration Ed, don't be such a drama queen." He dropped his pants and shuffled out of his shoes and the pants.

In his boxers and vest Alphonse gathered up his clothes and folded them, since they'd only be there one night they'd have to go back into his bag.

"I don't want you to get sick, is it too much to ask if you just have a fucking sandwich!?" he reached for the phone on the small table between the beds.

"I'm already sick, a fucking sandwich won't make it better!" he yelled back and dropped his folded clothes at the foot of his bed.

"Don't say fucking!" Edward yelled as he glared at Alphonse, "And what do you mean you're sick, do you have a cold or something!" he asked loudly with the phone to his ear.

Alphonse frowned,

"How can you act like you don't know what's wrong with me!" he shouted and his eyes burned up with tears quickly.

Edward's face changed from annoyance to worry instantly and he lowered the phone and placed it down,

"Ah…I'm sorry Al, I didn't mean  **that** , I meant physical illness…" he realized what he'd said sounded like when Alphonse crumbled into a sitting position on his bed.

Edward jumped over the short stretch of Al's single bed and landed in a sitting position next to him, making them bounce a little on the soft bed,

"That came out wrong, there's nothing wrong with you mentally."

"You know that's not true" he wiped some tears away as he avoided Ed's direct gaze.

"You're not sick, you're just confused." He said sounding unconvinced.

"I'm not confused." He admitted quietly and sniffed.

It was a simple statement but it clarified what they both already knew, that this wasn't going away.

Edward frowned sadly and then stood up,

"Take a bath, or shower or whatever and then sleep…we've got a long day tomorrow."

Alphonse sighed quietly and did as told.

Tomorrow would be just as bad but it would still come and he'd still have to face it.

* * *

The pills did their job very well and at around 9.30 am Alphonse opened his green eyes to a cold dully lit hotel room ceiling and he sighed but not sadly, his mind felt calmer and his body felt sluggish but adequately rested.

He yawned slightly and sat up, the white blanket falling to his lap, it wasn't too chilly in the room but he was glad he'd slept in a long sleeve shirt because it wasn't really warm either.

He glanced over at Edward and laughed quietly.

All he could see was an arm hanging over the bed side, leading beneath the blanket toward a lump and a splay of golden hair over the pillows and on the sheet. Al's chest warmed and his tummy did as well, Edward was adorable…and beautiful.

The thought should have bothered him but it  **didn't**  and that bothered him more than anything.

He pulled his pajama clad legs out from under the covers and over to Ed's beds side, he got up and walked over, wondering what was the best way to wake him up.

"Ed…it's late morning, we should buy the paper and get started." He said nicely, trying nicely was always best at first, even if it never worked to rouse the sleeping rock that was Edward.

With a raised eyebrow and a shrug, the fairer blonde reached over to his own bed and grabbed a pillow off his bed,

"Just like old times…" he grinned as he raised the pillow over his head and then brought it down onto the Edward lump with moderate force, not to make an impact so much as jar the other man from his sleep.

He laughed when Edward jumped with a groan and threw the covers off his head along with the pillow,

"Morning, brother." Al said so happily that Ed's sleepy, groggy death glare softened, right before he grabbed one of his pillows and whacked Al's across his head with it.

Being as light weight as he currently was, Alphonse stumbled back onto his bed with a dizzy laugh.

"Morning, Al." he mumbled with a grin and then yawned and stretched.

For a moment things felt alright.

Alphonse held onto the feeling as they prepared for their day, even as he heard Edward in the shower he didn't panic, he'd slept well and suddenly he seemed to have more of a reign on his emotions.

He still had the same thoughts and the same feelings, but he didn't feel like falling apart every second.

It was a good feeling.

On the other hand, some of that good feeling came from seeing Edward smile at him that morning which had caused him some butterflies, but it was still not the worst.

* * *

**Later**

"I like this place…" Edward said with a smile on his handsome face.

Alphonse nodded while smiling at Ed's expression,

"It is nice, there's even a book shelf…" he gestured across the living area of the two bedroom apartment they were standing in to the empty book shelf.

"Yeah and it's tiled instead of carpeted." He glanced around the white walls.

"That's not really the best thing." Alphonse disagreed, "…it'll be cold on my feet and your foot." He scratched his chin and then slipped his hand back into his pocket.

"Yeah yeah, but in summer it'll be cool. I'd rather walk around in a blanket and socks to keep warm than to sweat and melt in summer." Ed explained with smarty pants smile.

"You've really thought this through." Al blinked, genuinely surprised Edward wasn't just picking a place using a coin toss or something.

"Course' I have Al, this is our place, it's gonna be our first home since Rizembool…" he got a sad wistful smile on his face.

"It's going to be great." Al grinned, "…we should go down to the landlady and tell her we'll take it." He looked at the large windows framed in dark wood, "Then we'll get our stuff from the hotel and bring it back here."

Edward was nodding as he tapped the flat side of the folded newspaper against his upper arm, his arms where crossed over his chest,

"You okay sleeping on the floor for tonight, I mean if we can't get any beds delivered by this afternoon." He glanced at Al, it was already 2 pm.

"Yeah sure, it'll just be for one night." He nodded.

Edward nodded too and smiled in a goofy way, uncrossing his arms,

"The University is a mile away, that's an easy walk…" he patted the paper against Al's chest.

Al nodded,

"Yup." He smiled, "…I'm actually looking forward to it…"

"I'm glad to hear it, Al. All I want is for you to be happy and healthy."

"You make me happy, Ed." He admitted.

Edward laughed awkwardly,

"In the normal way, or the weird way?"

The funniest thing was Edward seemed to be genuinely making a joke.

Alphonse blinked when he realized Edward was making light of his incestuous feelings

It amazed him…and he realized it must really be what unconditional love was, Edward would really not allow anything to pull them apart.

He cleared his throat and smiled back awkwardly,

"Both actually." He wondered if he was allowed to joke about it too…even if he wasn't joking.

Edward still smiled and he shrugged,  
"Ah well, as long as your happy, Al."

Al stared at Ed who stared right back at him, the joke slowly fading between them.

"You don't have to be so nice about it. It's not a nice thing." He said quietly.

Edward gave him a very serious look, one that Alphonse hardly ever saw,

"If we have to live with it, we might as well get used to it." He said just as quietly.

"You shouldn't be forced to get used to  _this._ " He frowned and glanced to the closed door of the empty apartment, feeling nervous talking about it.

Edward shook his head and grabbed his shoulder,

" _This_  is you Al, even if it's different, I'll still get used to it." He explained and Al took comfort in the hand on his shoulder, "Now let's go see the landlady and get moved in."

Alphonse felt a tingle run through him as Edward's golden eyes stared with so much love and care for him.

"Why're you looking at me all sad like that?" Ed squeezed his shoulder.

Al blinked slowly and smiled slightly,  _'…because I want to kiss you.'_ He thought sadly.

With some wetness in his eyes Alphonse stepped to Edward and he placed his hands either side of Ed's face lightly, his cool fingers tingled from the warm skin of his brother's face.

Edward was tense and his eyes reflected clearly his worry for what Alphonse was doing, Al's eyes watered but no tears fell, he realized Edward was trying not to over react and it made him happy.

He let out a small sob but he was smiling as he leaned his forehead to Ed's and sniffed, he ran his hands over Ed's face and then around his shoulders before forcing himself not to cross the line, he turned his face from his older brothers, away from the tempting breath and lips so close to his, to press a sigh into his shoulder.

He hugged him close,

"You have no idea how much I love you, Edward." He breathed quietly.

The tension slowly left the older boy and he felt Edward's arms hold him around his middle,

"Actually Al…you have no idea how much  **I**  love you."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NB: My assumptions of how much money Edward has is based on what I read in the Manga. Edward used his research budget for just about all of their expenses and so I assume Edward probably had a lot of money saved over from his personal military salary considering he worked with the military for so many years and owned nothing note worthy and personally bought.
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Our Lady Peace

 

 

  
_There's nothing you can say_  
_Nothing you can do_  
_Nothing in between_  
_You know the truth_  
_Nothing left to face_  
_Nothing left to lose_  
_Nothing takes your place_

  
_There's nothing left to prove_  
_Nothing I won't do_  
_Nothing like the pain_  
_I feel for you_  
_Nothing left to hide_  
_Nothing left to fear_  
_I am always here_

  
_When they say you're_  
_not that strong_  
_You're not that weak_  
_It's not your fault_  
_When you climb up to your hill_  
_Up to your place_  
_I hope you're well_

  
_What you want_  
_What you lost_  
_What you had_  
_What is gone is over_  
_What you've got_  
_What you love_  
_What you need_  
_What you have is real_  
_It's not enough_

_It's not enough, I'm sorry_

* * *

Edward was starting to realise this was going to be harder than he thought…and not in the way he would have assumed.

When Alphonse had first told him about his affliction, Edward thought that the actual case of his brother's incestuous feelings for him would become a problem…but that was not the case.

He actually didn't feel much about Alphonse's feelings, most of the time they acted normally –give or take a few awkward moments in between – and it didn't really seem like things were so bad.

It hardly affected him, he was worried obviously and still trying to figure out a way to go about stopping or at least curbing his brother's feelings somehow, but it wasn't causing him any actual discomfort per say.

The hardest part was Alphonse's  _reactions_ to him.

Edward was so used to Alphonse that things like undressing, physical contact and all the like just came naturally to him but whenever he did anything like that, Alphonse would flinch, become quiet or light up like a red light bulb.

It was a little bothersome actually since he would have to start trying to remember all these little things in order to avoid upsetting his younger brother and his tenuous feelings.

But he would try…he would always try…

They'd just moved into the new apartment the day before and were currently sitting across from each other in a diner near the windows facing the street, the sun was out but the weather was still chilly and Alphonse would shiver occasionally beneath his coats because he'd gotten so damn skinny.

They'd always had a similar appetite, the Elric appetite as Pinako called it and they were notorious for clearing dinner tables worth of food, but lately Alphonse had almost no appetite and Edward knew why and didn't want to force the issue but he felt he had to insist the younger man ate.

As it were they'd ordered breakfast and Edward had taken the liberty of ordering the same for Alphonse as he did for himself, receiving an unhappy glare for it, Edward wasn't fazed, he'd simply smiled roguishly.

Alphonse had been looking a little upset since the morning and Edward didn't know why, they'd decided to stay in the hotel the night before since they couldn't get beds that late in the afternoon and the weather had taken a turn for 'too cold to sleep on the floor' kind of worse.

He did notice Alphonse's eyes were a little swollen that morning and he knew then that he'd been crying –it hurt him to think of Al crying so quietly just a few feet from him- but he hadn't had a chance to ask why and right then in public didn't seem like a good idea.

He'd also tried to avoid doing anything to make the other man uncomfortable, he'd specifically changed clothes in the bathroom, didn't walk too closely…he did wonder if maybe that's why Alphonse was upset.

In that case it'd either be because he wanted Edward to continue to do those things or it'd be because he thought Ed was mad at him for the previous afternoon.

He sipped his coffee as he thought about it, Alphonse had seemed like he was awfully close to kissing him…and Edward hadn't shoved him off or even opened his mouth to ask what he was doing.

All that had been going through his mind was,

_'He's gonna cry, please don't let him cry…how can I make him stop crying? How can I stop him from hurting…should I…should I just…?'_

He hadn't realised until after Al was sobbing on his shoulder that he'd been in a  **very**  dangerous state of mind.

He'd always known he'd do anything for Alphonse…but the fact that in that moment he would have  **let**  Alphonse…kiss him…just to make him happy…was very very bad.

For both of them.

He'd remained shaken up all of the night before and he'd done his best to keep his unease from Alphonse but he'd also automatically become more  _aware_  of Alphonse and so he'd remembered to change in private and avoid contact.

On top of all of that damned confusion he'd felt so guilty because he didn't want to avoid Alphonse just because he was a little shaken up. He had to be strong, Alphonse needed him to be strong and sometimes it was so easy…when they were just talking like normal…but sometimes it was so hard…

…when Alphonse was looking at him with something Edward clearly identified as some sort of angry need…twisted lust…

It shook him up when he'd pretend to not notice Alphonse's eyes looking over him, lingering in some places.

It was really hard to ignore…because Alphonse seemed to be accepting it more and doing it more.

Edward just wished they could go back to the way they were before…just brothers.

As it was, Alphonse had only called him 'brother' once since they'd left Risembool and it didn't seem like it was going to happen again anytime soon.

"Edward…your eggs are getting cold. You hate cold eggs." Alphonse's scratchy –cried out- voice brought him back from his daydreaming stare at the newspaper on the table in front of him.

He glanced up to Alphonse who was placing his own plate down in front of him and then to the other plate at the side of the newspaper.

He hadn't even noticed the food arrive.

"Oh, thanks Al." he took his elbows off the table and folded the morning paper up before dragging his plate over. He was picking up his knife and fork while watching Alphonse scoop up a small bit of the scrambled eggs onto his fork before placing it into his mouth.

Then he picked up a slice of the toast and bit into…and then he stopped chewing.

Edward blinked and realised he was staring, Alphonse was giving him a 'stop that please' look, he finished chewing, swallowed and then picked up more eggs,

"I'm eating, you don't have to watch me…I'm not going to throw it under the table." He mumbled before taking more of the fluffy yellow egg into his mouth.

Edward noticed his lips were chapped and dry, his face was blotchy from crying and his eyes were less swollen but still noticeably red and irritated.

"Edward, please." He said quietly holding the toast almost to his mouth.

Edward averted his eyes to his cooling eggs, toast and bacon before realising he wasn't hungry…that was strange.

"…why were you crying Al?" he asked very quietly as he moved a piece of bacon around with the tip of his knife.

The place was almost completely empty since it was after the breakfast rush and before the lunch time rush, there were a handful of people scattered throughout the place and the waitresses were gossiping quite far away, he deemed it safe enough to talk quietly.

"I don't want to talk about it here." Alphonse shot him down.

Edward didn't look up, he just sighed and rubbed a hand over his forehead before tucking his hair behind his ears and then he started to eat, clearing his plate in about five minutes regardless of his lack of appetite.

By the time he was done and had ordered a fresh cup of black coffee, Alphonse had abandoned half of his eggs, a slice of toast and most of the bacon. He'd barely eaten and Edward felt irritated by it,

"You should finish that…" he said quietly and sipped his new hot coffee.

Alphonse had even abandoned his tea,

"No, thank you." He said sternly and gave Edward a look to back off.

Naturally Edward didn't,

"You are going to get sick Alphonse…" he leaned forward, his cup on the table between his arms.

"Leave it alone, Edward." Al raised a hand to rub over his chapped lips and Edward noticed he was shaking slightly as he turned a page of the furniture catalogue on the table, pretending to be interested in it.

He wanted to leave right then, drag Alphonse to some place private and demand to find out what was wrong, he hadn't been shaking since the train…something had upset him badly, it made Edward worried and upset.

But he didn't get into it, he didn't want to start an argument in public, so he'd wait.

* * *

After breakfast they found themselves in mid-town, browsing a furniture store, it was almost 11 a.m.

They walked around for a while before Edward got annoyed with the floor staff following them around smiling in a wordless question of 'can I help you', looking for a sale.

"Al…" he huffed and rolled his eyes over to the younger man, who was looking rather closely at a set of drawers, "…you're taking really long you know?" He informed.

Alphonse stood up straight, turned to him and blinked,

"Taking too long to what?" he sounded genuinely confused.

Edward noticed his lips were less dry, he looked like he had a little more life in his cheeks too and his eyes were no longer swollen at all, a little food went a long way to healing the bodies weakened constitution, he smiled lazily, instantly feeling better,

"To pick out what you want." He glanced around the large store.

Alphonse frowned,

"For my bedroom…just a bed, a set of drawers…there are built in wardrobes so…" he trailed off also glancing around.

"What about everything else?" Edward frowned back.

"Everything else?"

Edward sighed,

"Yeah Al…like kitchen stuff…and uh, the stuff that goes in the living room and the bathroom stuff…" he gestured around the separated parts of the store.

Alphonse looked like he wanted to laugh but he also looked surprised,

"You want me to pick all that… **stuff** , Edward." His face was relaxed from its frown of all morning.

Edward liked it when Alphonse had no stress lines around his eyes, he looked so much better,

"Yeah, I do…pick whatever you like. Make the place home, you're better at that sort of stuff than I am." He mumbled.

Alphonse didn't look like he agreed,

"What exactly do you base that assumption on, I've no more experience furnishing a house than you do." He laughed slightly.

Edward felt his chest warm, he hadn't heard that sound in a long time,

"Oh come on, whenever we stayed over at Gracia's you always talked about how much you liked the wallpaper, how it went well with the lounge stuff and all that crap, you know you're better at it than me." He insisted.

He couldn't help smile when Alphonse smiled completely, showing some of his teeth and his eyes brightened,

"Are you, my dear brother the former Fullmetal Alchemist extraordinaire, admitting that you could not co-ordinate house furniture to match the colour of a wall." He was just short of snickering now.

Edward's smile turned into a 'so what' expression,  
"Eh, I know how to make a building…but I'd rather not choose what colour the walls of it will be." He joked easily, liking the normalcy and light hearted smile on Al's face.

Alphonse looked like he was going to say something but an older, short, round woman came over to them with a salesmen smile,

"Hi there…" she extended a hand and Alphonse reached for it while Edward looked irritably at the lady, annoyed at the interruption, "…you two have been in here a while, that tells me your looking to buy and not just browse…" she turned her hand over to Edward.

Edward stuck his left hand out…old habits die hard…but was pleased that she had to change hands to accommodate him.

"Yeah, we are." Edward said lamely.

"Great, so which one of you young men are looking to buy?" she glanced between them.

Edward was irritated when Alphonse looked at him, making the woman turn her full attention on to him,

"You then, what are you looking to buy, something small, more than one thing…we have some discounts, I can talk them over with you once I know what you're interested in." she was really hamming up the sales smile.

Edward looked around the large store,

"Actually a lot of stuff, furnishing a new apartment." He drawled, hands deep in his black coat pockets and his posture lazy.

Alphonse was looking at him but it didn't seem to be one of  _those_  looks, just the kind of look he always gave Edward when he thought he was being rude.

"Oh wonderful, let's start with the kitchen, I always like to start with the kitchen…" she waved for them to follow her as she walked away.

"I'll bet she always does start in the kitchen…" he mumbled.

"Ed." Alphonse hit him in his chest with a soft backhand and Edward grinned naughtily.

* * *

They were looking over the fridges available, Alphonse looking at the prices and opening them up to check how much space they had…all the stuff Edward knew he would do well and he himself couldn't be bothered with.

"So…" the tubby lady spoke up, she was standing next to him where he leaned against one of many dryers in a row and he'd been ignoring her.

"Hm." He raised his eyebrows to the woman who was about a head shorter than him.

"Are you furnishing an apartment for a special lady, you look about the marrying age and you're a handsome young man too, you just have to have a pretty young lady…" she said overly bubbly.

Edward knew this was part of the 'build a rapport' gimmick between the sales person and the client but the words struck home…in more ways than one.

He'd made the large withdrawal from his account before he left Creta because he'd intended to buy an engagement ring for Winry and plan a proposal dinner…if she'd said yes –and he had been pretty certain she would have- he supposed that eventually he might have been doing this very thing with her.

Of course by this point it seemed insignificant because Alphonse was more important and he'd already seen change, good change, for what they were doing. Alphonse hadn't smiled at him once the entire time until earlier and it felt like he'd started to clear the dark cloud above his brother's head…slowly but surely he'd make him feel better, he'd make things right.

"Nope, no girl…" he said stiffly, trying to keep the conversation short and vague, which didn't work out so well since that lent options to the woman to speculate,

"Oh…" he saw her glance at Alphonse who was smiling at one of the fridge's he seemed to like best, "…oh I see, the young man with you then…is he the lucky guy?" she had the nerve to nudge Edward after saying that.

His heart had skipped a beat when she said that…because suddenly that's exactly what it felt like…

His brother had confessed to loving him in a very non-platonic way just two days ago, now they were moving in to a place on their own and Alphonse was practically playing the part of the…wife…

He was certain he was over exaggerating, this woman was just being a pest.

With calm he didn't feel right then he glanced at her making sure to convey how much she was annoying him,

"He…" he pointed to Alphonse who had just started coming over to them, "…is my younger brother, you nosy, old…-"

"Ed…"Al said with a half-smile when he reached them and then noticed the woman's upset frown, "…uh, everything okay?"

"No, I want another sales person…" he gave her a 'get lost' look and she glanced between them before raising her round shoulders and walking away.

Edward felt kind of bad when Alphonse looked expectantly at him for an explanation in his censorious way,

"She was being forward, asking personal questions…she's nosy…" he said irritably.

Alphonse sighed while shaking his head,

"Well, could you go and find another sales person, we still have a lot of stuff to pick out and arrange delivery."

Edward nodded and started to walk away to do just that but he stopped a few steps away and turned back, just because he felt bad for over reacting just now and when he turned around he felt a little shaken, Alphonse was standing and staring straight at him.

The look was intense and had all kinds of significant personal emotions laden into it…all directed at Edward.

He managed a small smile and nod before he turned away and sighed, a small frown on his face.

If he was really turning this into some kind of pseudo relationship…he wasn't sure just how bad it could get.

* * *

A few hours later they stood in the kitchen of their apartment, Edward had insisted they buy sandwiches on the way back and even though Alphonse showed no interest in buying them, he was glad to see Alphonse making his way through a tuna, cheese and mayo sandwich and he looked like he was enjoying it.

"You look like your enjoying that…" Edward smiled around his mouthful of the beef sandwich he'd bought.

Alphonse scowled at him and swallowed his bite,

"Don't talk with food in your mouth Ed, geez, after all these years." He shook his head in half-hearted disapproval.

Ed snickered and sipped from his soda drink before talking,

"Yeah, yeah…so is your appetite coming back?"

Alphonse had been looking over the unpacked boxes of kitchen appliances that had been delivered a half hour ago along with everything else,

"I think so…" he shrugged and sipped his cola, "…I did start to feel really hungry around lunch time, I guess that's a good sign." He nodded and smiled at Ed.

The older man smiled back,

"That's good news, you get your appetite back and you'll start feeling better…"

"Physically." Alphonse specified.

Edward chewed slower on his bite of sandwich at those words and he remembered what he'd wanted to know earlier,

"Al…why were you crying last night?" he asked quietly and put what was left of his sandwich back into the polystyrene container.

Alphonse was in between eating and so he just put his sandwich down,

"I'm not sure telling you would really make anything better, Ed." He admitted.

Edward knew that was probably true but still, they'd always told each other as close to everything as possible, so he didn't think that should change,

"Tell me…" he leaned his elbows on the plastic covered table giving Alphonse his full attention.

The atmosphere in the room shifted heavily for Edward just by the serious and dark look that came over Alphonse's face, he found himself feeling a little nervous as his younger brother also placed his elbows on the table, folded his arms and he looked at the space between them with a frown,

"Yesterday afternoon, when I hugged you…I had the…urge…" he swallowed thickly, Edward saw him hesitate to say anymore,

"It's okay, Al, you can tell me…" he said despite how his insides twisted with nervousness.

Alphonse took a breath and closed his eyes,

"I had the urge to kiss you…" he said quickly and Edward saw him squeeze his eyes shut tighter.

Edward raised an eyebrow feeling his nervousness dissipating…he didn't know if it was a good or bad thing, but that admission didn't really bother him, he'd expected worse,

"Uh…okay…that's okay…" he didn't think he should be saying it was  _okay_  but he realised it too late.

And that's when it came to his attention that Alphonse hadn't finished talking and what he said might have just made it worse because his brother's fist clenched and it only slightly hid the small tremble, Edward hated his big mouth sometimes.

This time he kept silent and as expected Alphonse continued after a moment, sounding bitter,

"Why did you let me kiss you in the den?"

He hadn't expected that question and he opened his mouth and closed it again before frowning,

"I didn't…I mean…it seemed like…" he sighed and looked away from the watery green eyes, feeling thrown off, "…I didn't think anything of it, I just thought you were happy to see me." He said honestly.

"I've never kissed you on the mouth before…no matter how happy I am." Alphonse sounded like he was scolding him.

Edward felt himself get a little angry but it wasn't so much at Alphonse, it was just in general,

"Yeah well you were sick, do you really think I cared about that at the time!?" he snapped and closed his eyes, putting his head in his hand with a sharp exhale, "…sorry for shouting…" he mumbled.

When Alphonse didn't respond he looked up, expression apologetic and he saw Al looking at the table sadly,

"Al…-"

"Did it bother you…" he said quietly, "…when you thought about it later?"

Edward ran the question over in his mind, trying to figure out what was going on in his little brother's head,

"Uh, well…when I knew  _what_  was wrong…it kind of seemed…like you shouldn't have done it." He admitted.

"But my actually kissing you on the mouth didn't bother you." He said quickly and looked at Ed directly.

Edward heard alarms go off in his head,

"Alphonse, where is this going?" he demanded, using the authoritive tone of voice he hardly ever used on his younger brother.

Alphonse's breath hitched at Ed's demanding tone but he held back whatever tears he had and got up from his chair quickly,

"I was…" he swallowed down his anguish, "…just asking."

"Why were you asking that…it sounded…it sounded like you were…" Edward heard the panic in his own voice. Suddenly it seemed like he was losing the grasp he thought he had on this situation, it seemed like Alphonse was suggesting…

"What, what did it sound like?" he asked with his back to Edward, he was near the kitchen exit.

For the first time Edward felt his chest constrict from the weight of all of this and he stared at Alphonse's back,

"…like you…were trying to determine if…if I…" he couldn't bring himself to say 'would allow you to do it again'.

Alphonse seemed to know what he wanted to say and he turned around,

"It's fine, I was only thinking about it…I'd never expect you to do that…if you didn't want to." He said quietly and then left the kitchen.

Edward felt suddenly very empty and very alone in the quiet kitchen, his breathing was faint and his mind was blank of anything except the look of hopelessness on Alphonse's face just then.

He'd only ever looked like that once before…and that was when their mother had died.

Edward had a very bad feeling all of a sudden…that this  **thing**  was going to consume him…just like his mother's death had…

…and if that happened…would he once again commit a taboo…would he sin…?

He slowly folded his arms on the table and placed his head on them, the emptiness and silence ringing in his ears.

* * *

Edward was downstairs in the lobby of the apartment building an hour later.

After the conversation in the kitchen Alphonse had retreated to his new room and Edward had heard the sounds of boxes being opened and shuffling, so he figured Al was unpacking his new stuff and making up his room.

Edward couldn't honestly be bothered with that, he's sleep on the plastic covered mattress tonight and sort out the unpacking tomorrow. It was just after six pm now and he was trying to determine whether he should wait until tomorrow to make the phone call he'd come down to make.

After some deliberation he concluded he didn't feel like going through the phone protocols of the military just to ask a question so he sighed and picked up the phone off its perch, he was standing in one of the four phone booths in the lobby. He dialled the number he'd remembered but wasn't entirely certain still worked and it rang a few times, Edward was about to hang up right when the line opened,

"Mustang." The voice was crystal clear and sounded bored.

Edward smirked, realising the bastard General hadn't changed, he always answered his work phone sounding bored too,

"General Shit, I didn't think I'd still get you on this old number, after moving up in the ranks I thought you'd have moved out of that bachelor pad." He leaned back against the dividers of the booth.

There was a pause and then Edward could almost hear the smirk,

"Fullmetal…" he sighed sounding bored again, "…to what do I owe the pleasure." His sarcasm came through uninterrupted.

Edward rolled his eyes,

"Eh, you should know, it's not like I'd call you just because I like talking to you." He said back sounding equally bored.

Mustang was probably looking a little annoyed now, Edward could picture it,

"Right, of course, what do you want from me this time?" he sounded awfully casual.

Edward smirked,

"I see you haven't gotten slow in your old age…" he snickered, "…I'm looking for work in Central, preferably long term and well paying, military contracts do pay the best." He ran a hand over his ponytail a few times.

"I see." Mustang sounded amused, "…this is very very  _short_  notice, Edward." He said pointedly.

Edward nearly yelled obscenities into the phone but there were people around the lobby and he was no longer the little brat he once was, so instead he turned his back to the lobby,

"Don't say short like that, you bastard, I'm not short." He said quietly.

"Not  _as_  short."

Edward heard his grin,

"What's that supposed to mean?" he was glaring at the numbers on the phone.

"It means you're not as short as you once were…but you're still short."

"I'm going to kick your ass when I see you."

Mustang chuckled,

"You should have a  _little_ more tolerance, Ed." He quipped.

Edward clutched the phone and took deep breaths, he knew Mustang was just doing this to get on his nerves,

"Just shut up and tell me if you have anything." He grouched.

"I can't very well do both."

"Mustang." Ed said irritably.

Mustang's amused snickers annoyed him but only superficially, he doubted this sort of banter would ever get old between them, they were stuck in their old ways far too well.

"Hmm, well it would have been better if you called me when I was at work. I don't have any of the work contracts here to say for sure…" he trailed off.

"Yeah well, I don't need it right away, in a week maybe I'll be ready to start work…I just didn't wanna have to go through ten people to ask you one question on the military lines, dumb General protocols are probably worse than when you were Colonel." He grumbled and scratched his nose.

"Fair enough…" Mustang sounded like he agreed, "…in a week I should definitely have something for you, I think I recall a building project you might be interested in…-"

"You know I can't." Edward said quietly, his face taking on an upset expression as he stared at the wall above the booth.

There was quiet and then Mustang spoke,

"Oh, no I didn't mean an Alchemy building project…I wouldn't suggest such a thing Edward…" he sounded somewhat apologetic, "…it's architectural and you're a qualified architect*, if you recall it was one of the certifications you got when you passed the state alchemist exam."

Edward frowned,

"Wait, you mean it's gonna be built…manually." He was confused by that, there were structural alchemists who could do that, Edward himself was a qualified structural alchemist…of course he could no longer do alchemy, so it didn't count.

"Yes…" Mustang sounded bored again, "…its some new program the state is backing as an incentive to encourage and empower non-alchemy users." He finished lamely.

Edward thought that sounded stupid,

"That's just stupid, what could take a day and half the money to complete with alchemy they're going to invest a shit load of money, time, manpower and resources in to…" he was shaking his head.

"Hm hm…" Mustang responded sounding half asleep, "…it's the aim of the new Amestris Military Government, empower the people… **remember** …Mr Peoples Alchemist…" he said pointedly, "…besides its good news for you since it means a nine month work contract."

Edward sighed, that was true,

"Yeah but…taking tax money to waste on something like that is hardly empowering anyone…"

"Perhaps you should re-join the military and then you can have a say…"

"Up yours, Mustang."  
"Sorry Ed, but I don't like you that way." He joked.

"Shut up, bastard." He shot back quietly.

"Speaking of which, when did you get into the country, are you in Risembool?" he sounded awake again.

Edward blinked,

"Uh, yeah I'm back about three days now but I'm not in Risembool."

"Where are you?"

"Central."

"You're in Central right now?"

Edward made a face,

"That's what I just said, what do you need, a hearing aid?"

"Why are you calling me? You should have just come and seen me tomorrow at work."

"Maybe I don't want to see you."

"Come to the office tomorrow, I'll ask Hawkeye to find a few contracts for you to look through first thing in the morning."

"Are you deaf?"

"Don't be that way Ed, I want to see how tall you've grown."

"What!"

"See you tomorrow, come early." He said cheerily and Edward was huffing into a dead line a second later.

For Edward four years seemed like too soon to be seeing that smug bastard again, but as the annoyance faded and Ed put the phone down, he smiled somewhat fondly, some part of him had to admit it'd be nice to see everyone again, even Mustang and his big annoying mouth.

But another part of him wasn't feeling up to it, after all, he was here with Al and things were kind of bad right then, he didn't know if he could go and see them without feeling worry or guilt the entire time.

Deciding not to over think it, Edward made his way back up to the apartment, he let himself in and locked the door behind him.

He walked down the short hall into his new bedroom and sighed as he looked around the untidy mess of boxes and plastic. He was starting to take his black waist jacket off just when Alphonse spoke from his doorway,

"Where'd you go?" he mumbled.

Edward turned to look at him, his eyes were puffy again and he knew that meant he'd been crying but he also looked like he'd been asleep,

"I went down to make a phone call." He tossed his jacket onto a box near him and turned around to start shifting some stuff around to make room.

"Risembool?" he sniffed.

Edward frowned, he hadn't actually even thought about that,

"No, I called Mustang about work…"

"Do you mean contract work or actual…military work." Alphonse sounded worried now.

Edward stopped what he was doing and put his hands on his hips, he was only wearing faded jeans and a gray T shirt but the chill in the air didn't bother him, he was too distracted,

"I'm never going to re-join the military Al, although as usual Mustang always manages to suggest it to me…" he smirked, "…contract work, he said I should come and see him tomorrow to look over what he has available." He finished.

Edward pushed the base of his bed into place where he wanted it against the wall while he listened to Al,

"Did he ask why you're in Central?"

Ed sat on the base, it was low but he didn't care as he leaned back on his hands, already feeling too lazy to set the bed up,

"No, but he will tomorrow probably and when he does I'll say…we're here for you to go to University and I want long term work, that's all."

"You know he's not stupid…"

Edward sighed,

"Yeah but it's partially true, as long as we don't act…weird…he won't think much of it."

"So I guess it's a bad idea if I come with then." Alphonse was speaking in monotone, sounding drained and even a little congested.

Edward hated it, it made him so unhappy to see Alphonse like that,

"I'd say if you don't feel up to it, don't come…but if you want to…" he left the suggestion open, not sure if he wanted Alphonse to come along, it was true Mustang was no idiot and just like Pinako, if given enough time, he'd figure out what was wrong or at least that something wasn't right.

But that was just part of the reason Edward didn't want him to come, another was that Alphonse didn't know Edward could no longer use alchemy, Mustang was the only person he'd told* …he hadn't been able to help telling just one person he felt he could trust…

…also Mustang had been forward enough to ask.

But true to his word, Mustang spoke of it to no one.

They wouldn't be able to discuss work prospects properly if Al was there, but still he'd let him decide.

"I'll see how I feel tomorrow." Al finally mumbled, running a hand through his untidy hair.

"Okay, sounds good."

"Okay…" Alphonse licked his dry lips and nodded, "…I'm gonna go back to bed, good night Ed…" he turned and walked away.

"Night, Al." Edward called after him and looked around the room when he heard Alphonse's door shut.

With a sigh he stood up and started opening boxes…he didn't think he'd be able to sleep any time soon anyway.

* * *

It was almost 1 am when Edward was standing under the steady stream of the hot shower, he was rubbing lathered soap over his shoulders and down his front, massaging the back of his neck trying to relieve some tension, washing away the day from his skin.

He let the water wash the suds away as he washed the rest of his body, when he was almost done showering Edward found himself thinking about the way Alphonse had looked at him on more than one occasion, how his eyes had specifically lingered at Ed's crotch each time.

He subconsciously glanced down at crotch and then leaned his head back so the water rushed over his face. Even Winry never looked at him in such a sexual way, no one he'd been with looked at him that way…he lowered his head and opened his eyes, staring at the gray blue tiles as the water ran over his head, flattening and darkening his long blonde hair.

The way Alphonse looked at him was unnerving…it was almost intimate the way he mentally undressed him.

He shook the thought off and ran his hand over his face to clear some water from his eyes.

He didn't want to think about why Alphonse looked at him like that, he could guess though. It just seemed so weird, Edward remembered so many times he'd been naked in front of Alphonse…surely he already knew what everything looked like…what difference was there now?

Was that why when he looked at him it was so intense…because he already knew everything beneath his clothes?

He shivered involuntarily when he realised it was probably that and also because  **now**  Alphonse didn't look at him naked and see his brother, he looked at him and saw…what he desired.

Edward did a full rinse a final time before switching the water off and then stepping out, grabbing the new towel he'd left on the rack for himself before showering and wrapping it around himself.

He looked over the mess of their combined toiletries scattered over the bathroom counter top and found his red toothbrush in a cup next to Alphonse's green one, he figured Alphonse had probably taken them out of the new packaging earlier when he was downstairs in the lobby.

He went about his bathroom routine numbly, playing over the last few days events in his head…right up until that afternoon when Alphonse had all but asked him to allow himself to be kissed on the mouth.

These thoughts went round and around in his head endlessly, exhausting him but not making him sleepy.

He made his way to his bedroom and pulled out a T shirt, boxers and loose cotton pants from his luggage, trying not to think about the fear that washed over him earlier, a replay of the previous afternoon, he couldn't really be considering allowing anything like that just to make Alphonse happy.

Even if it didn't necessarily  **bother** him –although that was an odd way to put it – it was still just wrong…

He hated how the lines were blurring.

He sighed while he pulled his hair up into a damp ponytail and tied it off, walking down the short hall to the kitchen to get some water, he slowed his walk though when he passed Al's door and heard groans from inside.

Edward sighed and his chest hurt thinking that Alphonse was still crying, all that crying was just going to make him sick.

He stepped back and raised one hand to knock and another to the handle when he heard a noise come from his brother that was distinctly a moan…and not a groan…of course, that didn't mean it wasn't a pained moan, he couldn't really tell through the wooden door.

Edward was torn between checking on Al and just leaving him be for the night, when the groan came again, low and unhappy, Edward made two quick knocks,

"Alphonse, are you okay…?" he opened the door and only popped his head in.

It had been a bad idea.

Alphonse scrambled to gather himself against the wall at the top of his bed, he drew his legs up under the sheets and through his heavy uneven breathing Edward heard him swear.

He frowned,

"Did…I…startle you?" Edward ventured hopefully.

There was nothing immediately suspicious about the situation and besides that it was dark in the room save for the light coming from the window, Central was always lit up at night.

Edward reached for the light switch next to the door,

"Please don't switch the light on…" Al's voice came out breathy and strained.

Ed paused with his fingers on the switch and then lowered his hand,

"O-okay…were you having a nightmare?" he walked further into the room.

"Edward would you just go away…you're making it worse…" he half whined half whispered.

Edward stopped walking, feeling a little hurt but he was close enough to see then that Alphonse looked a little…dishellved.

He realised it might not have been a nightmare…but another kind of dream…or not even a dream…and he was making  **it**  worse.

He quickly looked over Alphonse, legs up, shoulders visible and tense but he could see no hands and Alphonse looked very uncomfortable as he took short quick breaths.

"Oh…oh you were…" Edward swallowed and his face coloured a pretty shade of red unnoticeable in the dark, "…I'm sorry Al, I didn't know."

Alphonse knocked his head back against the wall once,

"Please go Ed…" he whispered.

He didn't say anything, instead he just left the room quickly and closed the door quietly.

He stood in the hall outside the door for a minute before he realised he was shaking, he was shaking because he'd walked in on Alphonse masturbating and it was almost a guarantee he knew  _who_  Alphonse's was thinking about while he did it.

The heat didn't leave Edward's face as he rubbed his eyes with a cool hand, right then he heard sobs coming from inside the room, hurt and broken sobs.

Edward's insides clenched and he turned around to face the door, wanting to do everything at once but not even knowing where to start or what to do.

He placed his shaking hands against the closed door listening to the scared sobs of his brother, Edward did the only thing he could of,

"It's okay, Alphonse…" he said aloud and swallowed the lump in his throat.

The sobs quieted down but didn't stop completely so he tried again,

"It's okay…I'm not upset…" he pressed his forehead to the door, "…it's… **okay.** " He said pointedly,  _'Just stop crying…whatever makes you happy…'_  he thought then said quiet but audibly for his brother, "…if it makes you feel better…it's okay…"

The sobbing became very quiet now and Edward felt dread fill him at the permission he'd just given.

And true enough a few moments later he heard another quiet moan in between shaken breaths and his insides clenched painfully, he turned around and closed his eyes, letting his weakening legs bend until he was sitting on the floor with his back against the door…listening to the breathless, pleasured noises his brother made…while thinking of him.

He knew this was crossing a line…this was re-writing their relationship…this was going to consume both of them.

And Edward didn't know if he would be able to go against what Alphonse wanted…if it got any worse…

Because Edward just wanted Alphonse to be happy, he wanted him to stop crying and to see him smile…and it scared him that he knew deep down…if push came to shove…he would do  _anything_  to achieve that…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * At the end of the FMA manga Mustang is the only person who mentions knowing anything about Edward's sacrifice so I'm using that.
> 
> * This is my own made up thing, considering what Alchemists are capable of and creating and drawing in my opinion it stands to reason they'd be highly qualified in various fields.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NB: Its come to my attention that the nature/content/atmosphere of this story may be disturbing to some readers. Please note that the story is not a pleasant or sweet depiction of an incestuous relationship. Eventually there will be sexual content but its not going to be 'love and fluff' its going to be 'realistic' (as I see it) to a relationship of such a kind. Just a fair warning. If any of this bothers you, I regret to lose you as a reader but it cannot be helped.
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Goo Goo Dolls
> 
> Authors Note: This is my attempt at an Elricest story, I won't say it's realistically portrayed because that depends on the readers views.

 

  
_And I'd give up forever to touch you_   
_'Cause I know that you feel me somehow_   
_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be_   
_And I don't want to go home right now_

  
_And all I can taste is this moment_   
_And all I can breathe is your life_   
_When sooner or later it's over_

_I just don't want to miss you tonight_

  
_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming_   
_Or the moment of truth in your lies_   
_When everything feels like the movies_   
_Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive_

  
_And I don't want the world to see me_   
_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_   
_When everything's made to be broken_   
_I just want you to know who I am_

* * *

Alphonse was sick.

Yes, mentally he knew…but right then it was an entirely physical sickness.

He'd been on his knees at the toilet bowl for the past hour and there was nothing left in his stomach after all that time, nothing left of his will or his happiness either.

He felt he deserved this, the pain in his stomach and chest, the nausea, the bile…and the self-loathing.

He deserved it because he'd crossed the line and now there was no going back, he couldn't take it back, he couldn't erase it, no matter how much he showered he'd never really be able to wash away his filth, no matter if he apologized a million times, it wouldn't let him forget. Edward would never forget.

It had been both horrible and gloriously relieving…to touch himself that way and imagine his brother doing it to him. It had been both terrifying and incomparable, the pleasure he felt at even the slightest self-stimulation…how he wanted it…how he'd needed it then…how it had felt…

His shaking hands, sweaty palms holding sticky textured hot, hard flesh, the sweet rhythm of it, slow and torturous, it felt so good it hurt…and it'd been hurting everywhere but where it counted, everywhere but where he was touching… _where Edward had been touching_.

He'd hated and loved imagining his brothers rough, slender hand holding his most private part firmly, stroking slow and firm, the crystal clarity of his thoughts and fantasies were powerful, they ate away at his resolve because he knew his brother so well he could even imagine the way he smelled and sounded, how he breathed and moved, how his hands felt…

It had been so intense and so wrong…and he'd been so caught up that he hadn't heard Edward in the hall outside until it was too late and he'd entered his bedroom. He knew in the back of mind he must have been making a noise because Edward had asked him if he was okay, if he had been having a nightmare.

He couldn't answer that, he didn't even register the question at the time…his mind…

…his mind had screamed for him to demand Edward come closer…the sick side of him wanted his older brother to climb on top of him and finish what he'd started.

But the part of him that knew how twisted it was, demanded…no…not demanded…he'd pleaded that Edward leave the room.

He'd been too incoherent to be certain of what he wanted, it hadn't been a demand, it had been a desperate plea to take himself away, to remove his freshly showered body from the room…like some sort of animal Alphonse had been able to smell the soap on his flesh and he smelled wonderful…it had just made it worse.

He'd been hurting, nauseous and ridiculously hard…

He'd woken sweating from a dream of the most vivid sexual kind, fully aware of how his body tingled with want and new sensations at the visions swimming around his head of overwhelming kisses and deep penetration…it was both vile and wonderful and he'd instantly felt the tears leave his eyes.

But the tears and self-disgust did nothing about the heat in his groin even in waking, it throbbed as if all the blood he had in his traitorous body was purposely drawing his attention to it.

He'd resisted though it hurt, he'd laid there ten minutes in the dark of his room, wide eyed and feeling restless, swallowing thickly and clenching his hands into his sheets to stop them from shaking.

But it didn't go away because no matter how hard he tried to forget that dream his mind regurgitated it with such clarity it was if it were still happening…it was if Edward were still there…kissing him in all the most sinful places and…merging their flesh…

Sensational…and disgusting.

He'd been crying by the time he heard the sound of the shower running and with no more will power to grab on to…no more resolve to fight the new images of his naked brother, wet and flawlessly built burning a hot trail of arousal through his body…he'd shakily slipped just one hand under the covers.

Nothing could have stopped him after that…nothing but Edward himself…

As fate would have it that was exactly what happened –it was so wrong to be caught like that, Alphonse would have rather been dead in that moment- and once Edward fled the room a moment later, it was all pain and all tears.

His body felt drained and empty, his mind felt weak and he felt so so ashamed…Edward had  **seen**  him, Edward knew how low he'd go…Edward would hate that he wasn't strong enough to fight the urges.

Edward didn't want this and he knew it…Edward didn't want to kiss him or touch him…no matter how badly Alphonse wanted it…and he knew he shouldn't expect Edward to want to, but with every sinful fiber of his body Alphonse  _knew_  he wanted Edward to want him…he wanted Edward to  _give in_  to him.

Where had his strength and willpower gone…where had Alphonse Elric gone?

He'd been about to choke on his own congestion and saliva when he'd heard Edward's voice just outside his door…and he'd shivered at the sound…

Then it was okay, Edward wasn't upset with him…Edward just wanted him to feel better…and it was  **okay.**

And at that moment, with his brother outside his door…Alphonse took to his need again and within less than a minute he found his release, his brother's name was gasped from his lips…and Edward was right there with him…the entire time…

It had been bliss…at the time.

Now it was pain and shame, white tiles and the stench of vomit in his nose and throat.

It was Xing all over again…except worse.

He was leaning over the toilet bowl right then spitting into it and he felt the slightest rush of saliva to his mouth, instead of swallowing he just waited until it came up, nothing but bile…he had nothing in his stomach. He'd been puking for the better part of the hour and his body was no longer producing saliva, his throat burned awfully from his stomach acids, he doubted he'd be speaking properly for the next day or so and Edward would be upset at his state…

Edward…

He'd practically passed out the night before after he'd…finished and he hadn't woken until that morning when there'd been a small knock on his door.

Edward's voice had been quiet but audible, he'd simply said it was almost seven and he was leaving for the military headquarters, he'd see Alphonse when he got back later…and that he'd made breakfast and Alphonse's was in the warmer.

Still thinking of Alphonse…even after  _that_.

He wasn't even been upset that Edward hadn't asked if he was coming with...how could he blame Edward for wanting to be away from him after what he'd done?

It was about five minutes after the front door shut that the early morning events had rushed back to his barely awake consciousness and since then, he'd been on the bathroom floor…throwing up everything but his pain.

He swallowed and grimaced at the disgusting taste in his mouth but he was too scared to the leave the bathroom, in case he had to throw up again.

* * *

It was about another half an hour or so, almost nine a.m, when he finally deemed it safe to leave the toilet bowl.

He'd thrown up all there was to throw up and he'd even wretched uselessly for a while but it wasn't going to get him anywhere, he knew then he could leave the 'safe zone'.

He'd rinsed and brushed his mouth out, the burn and rawness in the back of throat left him swallowing painfully afterward, he'd practically pressure washed his mouth out with mouth wash after brushing, which didn't help the rawness in his mouth or throat.

Just made it worse actually but at least he couldn't taste vomit anymore.

He'd decided to take a shower because the cold sweat on his skin made him feel worse.

When he left the bathroom finally he walked to his bedroom on wobbly weak legs, he was mentally exhausted by then so it was more a shake of fatigue and lack of sustenance than of his shame at that point.

He dragged some creased clothes out of his luggage and sat heavily on his bed as he pulled each item on, feeling as though the action of dressing took far too much out of him.

Once he had the button and zip of his black formal slacks done he slowly pulled a black long sleeve turtle neck sweater over his head.

Standing up was hard but he forced his legs to move, if he looked at his face in his dresser mirror he knew he'd see a shell of his former self, he'd seen it in the bathroom mirror.

He's cheeks were slightly drawn and his skin was ashen, the skin under his dull green eyes was dark and his face was blotchy, his eyes puffy.

He looked awful…Edward wouldn't be happy.

He was getting worse…and he was letting it happen, because he wasn't as strong as his older brother.

Edward was handling this far better than he'd thought possible…

He ran his brush through his short dark blonde hair without looking in the mirror, it was still damp but it'd dry however it dried, he didn't care right then.

It took him a while to finish pulling socks and loafers on and when he was done he left his bedroom with only his wallet in his back pocket.

He walked past the kitchen, he had no intention of giving himself any reason to throw up. He grabbed his coat from the small closet next to the door and pulled it on, buttoning it up because he already felt cold and he hadn't even left the apartment yet, he also wrapped a scarf around his turtle neck.

Inside his coat pockets he found his dark brown gloves to match his coat and his set of keys before he finally pulled the door open and walked out, planning to accomplish something that day at the very least.

* * *

It was around 11.30 a.m when he was leaving the State University Campus grounds, under one of his arms he had a few stacks of papers, notes, catalogues and folders, all containing the available courses, payment plans, correspondence, part time and full time course lengths etc.

Alphonse had been glad for the distraction from his affliction, even if he felt physically ill, not thinking about the more severe problem was easier.

He'd passed the hour and a half talking with a few different people at the University, mostly staff, who told him what was available and commended him for his interest in becoming a doctor, right before they asked for his high school qualification.

Alphonse had only then remembered he'd need to see Mustang and felt a little worse that he hadn't just gone with Edward that morning to kill two birds with one stone. But he reminded himself Edward needed some time alone, Edward was always being thoughtful of him, the least he could do was the return the favor.

He'd told them he'd come back with all of his documents once he'd read through the material and filled in an enrollment form, the staff seemed satisfied with that and in no time he had everything he needed and was leaving…in a hurry.

The Campus was massive and busy during the end of the year finals, the State University was the biggest university in Amestris and because it was directly affiliated with the Military Government and most of the soldiers did part time courses while working their way through the Private ranks, it had excellent upkeep and education levels.

The military always did take care of their own.

Alphonse avoided peoples' gazes as he left the grounds like he'd done since coming outside, hiding in his scarf while he shivered from both cold and misery.

He didn't want anyone to see the filth he could almost feel crawling beneath his skin. Talking to anyone was hard but at least when he talked to them they didn't have time to judge him…but hundreds of passing eyes looking over him everywhere he walked made him wish the ground would swallow him up.

It was really cold that day and the snow fall was light, he wished he'd worn another layer of clothing since he was shivering beneath his coat.

He'd originally intended to go straight home after visiting the University but after being reminded about his school qualification he'd decided to visit HQ, he dreaded it but forced himself to do it.

He told himself he hoped he wouldn't run into Edward…but honestly, selfish as it was, he really wanted to run into the older man. He wanted to, at the very least, apologize.

Not that it would do much good but he would do it anyway.

* * *

It took him almost an hour to walk to Central HQ, he was tired, cold and felt dizzy so the 25 minute walk hadn't gone quite smoothly. He'd sat down on a few bus benches and wandered into a few stores along the way to soak up the warmth of the heating systems.

Finally he was crossing one part of the massive open grounds of HQ, he'd entered from the North gate and had to go through all of the usual protocols of weapons searches and writing out his information before they finally let him pass.

If he'd gone with Edward this would have been avoided.

Usually he just called and told Mustang he was coming and when he walked up to an entrance –if someone didn't recognize him- he was already pre-authorized to enter and no one stopped him. Alphonse supposed he could have called too but his speaking abilities weren't great right then, the people at the Campus had been telling him to take something for his terrible cold…telling him he sounded awful.

On top of that the military phone call procedures were a pain in the ass.

He was shivering badly by the time he reached the main building in which Mustang's new 'General' office would be situated, he was grateful for the warmth inside the building and after shaking some snowflakes off his shoulders he crossed the ground floor area to the lifts to stand with some other waiting people, all military and all in winter uniform, he didn't look at them and hoped they didn't look at him.

But many people all busy around the ground area did look at him, as a civilian walking around the military building, though none knew who he was…now if he were still a suit of armor…things would be different…

…for one thing, he'd be unable to lust after his brother.

At the lurch in his stomach Alphonse swallowed a few times and forced himself to be strong, the last thing he needed was to throw up in the main building lobby in front of all these people.

The lift arrived with a dull 'ping' and the doors slid open.

Alphonse shuffled in without lifting his head and cringed every time someone rubbed shoulders with or brushed passed him, he stared at the floor and the few sets of black military boots he could see.

After some ascension the lift stopped a few times and a lot of people got out, when it was finally almost empty he looked up and reached out to press the top floor button, but it was already selected.

Alphonse blinked, he knew there was still someone in the elevator behind him and he just hoped it wasn't someone he knew.

He frowned, swallowing painfully and chanced a glance behind him…then did a double take.

Roy Mustang stood near the back wall of the large elevator reading over a newspaper, he also had a yellow manila folder under one arm.

Alphonse thought it'd be dumb not to speak up since he was there to see Mustang,

"Um, General Mustang…hi." His voice was scratchy and very broken but Mustang still looked up.

Mustang frowned for a split second before his eyebrows shot up,

"Alphonse?" he was actually asking, Alphonse could hear the question.

He smiled, wondering if it looked as forced as it was,

"Yes, it's been a while, I'm sure you don't really recognize me…" he hadn't seen Roy Mustang since just before he and Edward left Central for Risembool so many years ago.

Mustang smirked in his way that said 'he'd never forget a face', Alphonse knew Edward would have told him to wipe that smug look off of his face or he'd do it for him.

His fake smile became just a little more genuine at the thought of Edward.

"Of course I recognize you, except you look…well, frankly you look awful." He said flatly just as they reached the top floor, he closed and folded the newspaper before slipping it under his arm with the yellow folder.

He placed his hand on Alphonse's shoulder to direct him out of the lift –the younger man repressed an uncomfortable shudder because he didn't want anyone to touch him…except Edward.

Alphonse felt his stomach turn again, his skin prickling and he subtly rubbed some of the slight cold sweat on his forehead away with his gloved hand hoping Mustang wouldn't notice.

He was silently relieved when Mustang's hand left his shoulder,

"Edward didn't say anything about you being sick…" he stopped walking, "…are you here to meet up with him? Because he just left, I took him to an early lunch and then saw him off just ten minutes ago."

Alphonse almost laughed, trust Edward to not see this man for years and then make him pay for lunch.

"Ah, I thought maybe I'd run into him but I actually came to see you." He felt disappointed but didn't let it show since Mustang was looking right at him, "I probably should have called but I was on my way back from the University and I remembered I needed to see you." He gestured to the papers under his arm.

A few people passed them by as they stood in the hall.

"You came to talk to me about a high school certification." he said knowingly.

Alphonse nodded.

"Edward's already asked me, he's coming back here next Monday to sign the contract papers for work, I told him I'd have it ready for you then." Mustang smiled kindly.

He was so kind…if he knew the truth…Alphonse doubted he'd ever receive a smile like that again.

"Oh, that's great, I guess I should have expected he'd do as much since he was already coming here." He nodded, "Thanks sir, I appreciate it." He said honestly.

Mustang nodded,

"Of course it's no problem, if you need a job one day don't hesitate to ask me, we could always use an excellent doctor on military staff." He was smirking and Alphonse smiled and shook his head, just like Edward said, he always weaseled in a suggestion for the Elrics' to join the military.

"I doubt Edward would like that very much, sir." He said scratchily.

Mustang was nodding but he frowned after a moment,

"Was there anything else, if not you should get home, you look like you need to lie down, Alphonse." He raised an eyebrow.

Alphonse swallowed and shook his head,

"No there was nothing else, I'll get going…Edward is probably going to wonder where I am anyway." He followed Mustang when the older man gestured back toward the lifts and started walking.

"You're not a child, I'm sure he knows you'll be fine." Mustang said logically, although if he knew better, he'd know Alphonse was anything but fine right then, "…but then again he is a little over protective isn't he?" Mustang smiled neutrally.

Alphonse pressed the button when they stopped at the lifts, swallowing his guilt,

"Yeah…he's a wonderful brother." He said very quietly.

He felt Mustang's eyes settle on him, his skin prickling uncomfortably under the close gaze and he wondered if he'd messed up. He raised his eyes a little to meet Mustang's, he wasn't much taller than Alphonse but he was somehow intimidating, probably only because Al felt as shitty as he did.

"Do you have a cold?" Mustang asked after a while, casually but still, the question was for a reason.

Alphonse remembered Mustang had said Ed didn't mention he was sick so he quickly covered up for him,

"I think it's more like a 24 hour bug…I woke up sick this morning, Ed had already left or I doubt he would have let me go anywhere if he'd known." He shrugged, his one hand in his pocket and the other holding the university papers to his burning mid-section.

Mustang's eyes narrowed subtly just as the lift arrived and then the look was gone,

"Okay well, it was good to see you, take care of yourself and keep that brother of yours out of trouble, I don't need the headache or the paperwork that comes with his volatile temper tantrums." He was smirking.

Alphonse faked another smile,

"I will and thanks again for everything…you take care too, sir." He raised his hand as he stepped into the elevator and the doors slid closed.

When the doors closed his face fell and he leaned heavily against the side wall, glad it was empty, he needed a few minutes to stop himself from passing out, he felt so dizzy and his stomach was hurting because he hadn't eaten, it seemed to be steadily getting worse too.

He should have just gone home and trusted Ed would take care of all this…he trusted Edward with everything.

* * *

He'd carried money on him so he decided to take a cab back to the apartment, his legs felt like jelly by the time he'd walked back across the HQ grounds to the exit and he didn't think he could manage the walk back home, it just felt too far.

The cab ride was quick and quiet, he only focused on the pain in his stomach, throat and chest, he was happy he had enough energy to make his way inside the building and up the few flights of steps to the floor they lived on. The closer he got to the apartment the more he just wanted to see Edward…he hadn't seen him since that early morning in the dark, looking shocked and uncertain.

He was shaking badly from fatigue by the time he reached the door and he tried the handle…it was locked.

A sudden emotional exhaustion washed over him when he realized Edward wasn't there, he reached a shaking hand into his pocket for his keys and after a few tries he managed to get the door open. On his way up the stairs he'd broken out in a cold sweat again and he thought he would throw up but now that he was inside, the sweat was still clinging to him but he didn't think he'd vomit.

His throat still burned horribly though and the heat seemed to go all the way to his stomach.

He leaned back against the door after he closed it and groaned quietly, placing his arms around his abdomen as he sunk to the floor, it hurt really badly and he was shaking badly as well.

He wondered where Edward was, he was supposed to be there, Mustang said he'd left to come home, Alphonse just wished he was there.

He needed him, he wanted to be… **held** …by him.

He had closed his eyes tightly and he could feel his tears start to fall as his insides burned, he knew, some part of him knew he needed to eat, he knew his body was exhausted and hungry and in need of hydration too.

He hadn't eaten or had anything to drink since the previous late afternoon and he hadn't been well to begin with, so he was already too weak to be skipping meals.

He'd been neglecting to eat and losing sleep for months and it was starting to catch up to him, the pain, the depression, the hunger, the fear, the cold and the exertion of walking so far…all piling onto him as he sat there trying to keep from crying loudly from the pain in his stomach.

He was sweating again and his head was starting to hurt, he'd felt bad on the way home in the cab – the driver had even asked if he was okay- but once he'd realized Edward wasn't home yet…the emptiness of his stomach just seemed worse…he felt empty all over.

Edward was all he had left.

"E-edward…" he said hoarsely, his throat burning, "…please come back…please don't leave me…" he should have known better, that Edward wouldn't leave him, but he just felt so alone, so scared and so wrong.

He didn't think he could ever be okay again because he loved his brother, he wanted his brother, he wanted his brother to do things to him that no brother should want…he wanted Edward's love…all of it…and it hurt.

He groaned again quietly and uncurled himself, the pain he felt was etched into his face and his turtle neck sweater was feeling sticky and uncomfortable against his neck and sore skin, he was freezing cold though even as he sweated. He tried to get to his feet but after two tries he realized standing up straight was not a possibility, his stomach hurt too badly.

He felt pathetic but all the same, he dragged himself through the hall passed the kitchen and his bedroom to the bathroom, he needed to get warm and stop shivering. He was breathing shallowly and he knew he was probably pale, he could feel the prickle of his skin from the blood loss to his face, his head pounded and his heart pounded…

If he'd been in his body for a longer time, he might have known what it felt like when he was on the verge of fainting. He pushed the bathroom door closed with his hand from where he sat on the tiles just inside the threshold.

He took a few deep breaths when the pain subsided for a moment and he reached up to the basin counter to help pull himself up. When he was standing shakily he leaned on the counter top and closed his eyes, feeling everything around him sway and trying to get the rush happening around his head to slow down.

Again it passed and Alphonse opened his glossy green eyes and started to take his clothes off, it took him about five minutes but eventually he was naked and he used the counter and towel bars to walk over and step into the tub.

Again he took a few minutes to gather himself before he dared open his eyes to look up at the shower head from where he sat in the cold empty tub. He shook his head slightly, he knew he couldn't stand up, it'd be stupid with the way he was feeling, so he shimmied forward and reached his pale clammy hand over to switch the tap setting from shower to bath.

Then he shakily dropped the plug down and pushed it in with his foot while he opened the taps, hot and cold together.

After a minute of his deep breathing and constant swallowing, the water had filled up half way and he adjusted the taps to more hot and less cold, if he'd known better, he wouldn't have surrounded himself with hot air, water and steam in his current condition.

But Alphonse had never fainted since he'd had his body back and so he switched the tap off once the water was just about comfortably hot and almost to the rim of the tub and he moved back slowly, using his hands along the rim to move his aching, shivering form backwards until he could lay back.

It hurt to lay back cause his stomach still ached and burned, he kept swallowing down the burn in his throat but he still felt better in the hot water than when he'd been cold so he let out a few shaky breaths while he tried to relax and he closed his eyes.

A minute passed of quiet and his shaking subsided…the pain became a dull throb instead of a sharp pain.

But his nausea remained and the heat in the room made him feel short of breath, he frowned deeply and opened his bleary eyes to the steam and light blue grey tiles, his lips quivering slightly as everything around him seemed far too bright.

He weakly raised one hand out of the water but it fell back with a small splash,

"Edward…" he mumbled, he felt extremely weak and his subconscious smarts told him it was dangerous to be in water when he could barely move.

He took deep scared breaths, sliding his hands up along the tub sides until he gripped the rim of the bath with both hands, trying to pull himself out of the hot water,  
"Ed…Edward…" he said quietly, his voice breaking, but he knew in the back of his mind he couldn't call out for Edward, he wasn't there.

' _Is he coming back…?'_  Alphonse wondered as he managed to sit up, a sob finally leaving him,  _'…please don't forget that I love you…'_

He broke down a little more as he got very unsteadily onto his knees, the water swishing around him where he leaned on the rim of the tub with his hands…and then he tried to stand.

But Alphonse was sick…and his body was not going to do what it could not.

Half way to standing in the full tub of hot water, he had a head rush that he could not withstand and unable to stop himself, Alphonse tipped sideways, his knees weak, they bent slightly as he fell.

His hands grabbed out uselessly as his eyes rolled back into his head.

There was pain and blackness…right before he lost complete consciousness.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NB: This chapter content is slightly more Mature than previous chapters.
> 
> *Julia Chriton is not from the manga, she is from the FMAB movie 'The Sacred Star Of Milos'
> 
> Authors Note: This is my attempt at an Elricest story, I won't say it's realistically portrayed because that depends on the readers views.

  
_He eyes me like a pisces when I am weak_  
 _I've been locked inside your Heart-Shaped box for a week_  
 _I've been drawn into your magnet tar-pit trap_  
 _I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn bac_ k

* * *

Edward felt like something was very very wrong.

He was having a hard time getting a grip.

His reality was tilting very sharply off balance.

Alphonse had been behind that door touching himself heedlessly, uncaring, unconscious of the consequences such an action would have on his psyche…or Edward's…and so quickly…and so noisily…it was over.

And Edward's mind was tormented, the cracks had already started in Risembool…and they continued to creep and split slowly and sharply.

Edward's name lingered in the quiet air, in a strained pitch of voice, high, harsh and worn…from his brothers pale lips…followed by calmed, exhausted breathing.

Alphonse was soon asleep beyond that door but Edward found no such peace where he sat outside the bedroom door of his younger sibling until the birds could be heard outside and light started to crawl up along the hall from the large lounge windows.

The sun had once again risen…and everything was the same while not being the same at all.

Edward was cold, his leg stump ached worse than it had during his travels into a cold Amestris winter, it ached so badly he wasn't so sure he could stand up at first light. So he sat there until the overcast daylight reached him and passed him down the silent hall. With a weak roll of his head to the side, where it rested against the barrier separating him from Alphonse, he sighed and reminded himself he had a life to keep living.

No matter how scary or soul consuming…he had life…he had to keep moving forward.

He finally got his legs up underneath him and blood rushed to his lower body to restore circulation, the floor was not cold anymore where he'd sat all night, but it was not warm either.

His back ached horribly and the deep empty frown on his face seemed permanent for the moment.

Edward was terrified…but he was also strong…he hoped he was strong.

* * *

It hadn't taken him long to pull some warm clothing on, to freshen up and make himself coffee after digging through the boxes in the kitchen for appliances…quietly.

He was loathe to admit to himself that he didn't want to wake Alphonse up…but he doubted he could keep himself from breaking down, not in the cold light of morning, not so soon…not with Alphonse's pitching voice still playing back like a stuck record in his head.

He couldn't handle that right then.

After his coffee he very quietly left the apartment to go across the street to the bakery, he purchased some fresh cheese scones and milk since they hadn't bought any groceries the day before and then returned to the apartment, pausing in the doorway to hear if there were any telltale sounds of Alphonse waking, when he heard nothing he left the rolls in the warmer and placed the milk in the new empty fridge…

He stood for a full minute in the kitchen before he worked up the nerve to walk over to the door he'd slept outside of and knocked very quietly and spoke just as quietly…just in case, he wanted Alphonse to know he was leaving so he wouldn't…worry.

They'd always told each other before they went anywhere in the past, Edward desperately didn't want to change anything…

…but that was just a humorless joke now, one to which he didn't laugh even bitterly.

Everything was different now.

It couldn't go back to the way it was…ever again.

He left the apartment quietly and locked the door behind him.

* * *

He didn't look well, he knew it because he'd looked at himself in the mirror that morning.

But he felt worse.

The stress he'd been subconsciously harboring was starting to show through around his eyes, his skin was a little sickly in complexion and he was exhausted, mentally and emotionally, which showed through in his posture and laced into his voice when he spoke.

But despite that Mustang received him with a smile that morning in his office and within a minute Hawkeye left them coffee and they started to talk.

Edward had spent the walk over clearing his mind of his personal problems at home, focusing on what he had to do, on his responsibilities.

But beneath the surface, something was eating away at him…

But at least by the time he sat down with Mustang and was handed a small stack of contracts in folders for work assignments, Edward was all business and he ignored Mustang's quite mumble that he could use some sunshine.

He started with Alphonse's need for a senior school qualification which went off without a hitch and a few smiles, some conversation about Al making a great doctor, then Mustang turned the conversation to Edward and for the rest of the hour they talked out every obstacle and angle of the different options until Edward settled on the one the General had originally told him about.

The hours were best, normal day time hours to supervise and oversee the full scale project when actual building would begin in March, but before that Edward was free to use the military facilities or work from home to design the new Embassy building for the state. They were tearing down the old one and the land space was currently under inspection as were a lot of buildings that had come up during Wrath's reign over the country.

The pay was excellent, the actual design work would pay more money than the eventual supervision but Edward liked the overall deal and thanked Mustang in his customary way, telling him that it was great he could still be useful in his old age.

To which Roy wistfully responded that Edward should enjoy his life while he could, since it was so  _short._

Edward had failed to react as he usually would…because the mention of how he should be enjoying life caught him up short of taking in what Mustang had actually said.

Instead he pictured his frail, unhappy brother curled in on himself on that sin stained bed…and he felt painfully guilty for leaving that morning as he had.

Mustang asked him if he was okay after the tense silence.

Edward gave him a look from where he sat across from him on the couches' and simply nodded but left no room for further questions on the matter.

Mustang took the brush off in his stride but the conversation took a turn for worse waters and Edward was asked about 'why he hadn't made a move on pretty little Miss Rockbell yet' and 'had he seen her since he was back' which turned into 'why did you come back off schedule, last time you wrote you said you wouldn't be back for almost a year'…there was a frown and a curious raising of a fine black eyebrow.

Polite enquiry with a serious undertone.

Edward deflected, he kept his gaze on the black coffee in the plain white mug he held, answering the questions in a monotone and with a fitting shrug, 'he wasn't ready to settle down yet' and 'yes I saw her, she's well', he slipped casually into 'I got tired of being away from home, it's not the same traveling without Alphonse' he'd said it and only realized afterward how true those last words were…

Edward couldn't really imagine his life without Alphonse in some way being there.

He never wanted to  **not**  be able to see his younger brother.

He wouldn't take a complete separation well at all, he knew this and was determined not to let it happen.

But he was scared and he had no one to talk to.

And his insides felt empty and hollow.

Mustang had picked up on the guarded tension surrounding the younger blonde man and so he let up on the personals and went back to talking about politics and Edward slowly emerged from his silence, the conversation returned to normal…

* * *

If he'd acted strange, he'd given no reason as to why and Mustang could speculate about a moody Ed and get nowhere, after all, what else was new, he kept secrets well and Mustang knew that.

The General would get over this tense visit, Edward knew he wouldn't look deeper into it, he was too busy.

When Mustang said he was hungry at 11 a.m and asked Edward if he wanted to eat anything, the younger blonde had easily agreed, so long as Mustang was paying.

Breakfast had been expensive…and everything tasted bland to Edward.

It was hard to get down.

But he ate it like he would any food because he could not let what was conflicting him mentally get to his body too, he'd nearly done that when he'd been only a ten year old boy –been taken down by his bodies weakness after making a mistake he could never take back- he'd overcome worse and he wouldn't give up.

Or at least, he didn't think this was worse.

When they'd finished eating and going over some other political nonsense Roy wanted his opinions on, he and Edward parted ways amicably agreeing to see each other next week to finalize business.

* * *

Alphonse's breaths had been so real.

The sounds he made had been so genuine.

It was real lust…real need and  **real**  sexual tension.

Edward couldn't hide behind hopeful speculation anymore, if Alphonse was making such erotic noises to whatever fantasies he was having of Edward, then it was full blown…incest.

He no longer thought he could change that exact  **thing** , he had to prepare himself for it to get worse before it got better, if it ever got better. He knew now that he'd giving in to that one wrong, if he allowed Alphonse…the next step would be physical…the next wall to crumble within his brother's resolve would be stopping his urges.

If Edward let his guard down…Alphonse would come on to him.

He felt so hollow.

It turned his stomach when he remembered those noises and the way they set his spine tingling with anxiousness…Edward had never made such intense sounds when masturbating and during sex he made even less noise.

He wondered if Alphonse was just a noisy sort of person…or if there was some level of sexual wantonness that changed a person's sexual reaction.

He was rationalizing again, helpless to stop himself from trying.

He'd been with a few people…two of them were noisy and they had also been forceful types, confident.

Alphonse was a confident guy, Edward knew…but he didn't know anything about Alphonse's sexual bravado.

Hell he didn't even know if his brother was still a virgin.

But he thought it could be possible, ' _Maybe that's why this is affecting him so badly, maybe he hasn't been with anyone else and he's putting all of his sexual frustration into what he feels for me…'_  he was walking back to the apartment from a grocer a few blocks down.

He'd bought some groceries since they didn't have any and he didn't want Alphonse to have a reason to avoid eating, as it was he was looking dangerously pale and wraith like even when he was eating and getting sleep.

His mind wandered back to his thoughts, he wasn't making Alphonse's possible virginity an excuse for the incestuous feelings, no, he knew those were real…he knew he couldn't possibly  _pretend_  to want to fuck his brother and he doubted Alphonse could either…

…no,  **that**  was real.

Whatever Alphonse had been moaning and getting off on the night before was real.

But he thought it was possible that if his younger brother had never been with anyone, he might just be handling this so badly because he had no human outlet.

What could he do about it though? Find a girl and try to get his unwell brother interested in her?

He frowned as he walked by unfamiliar faces; he didn't even know what kind of girls Alphonse liked.

Al had liked Winry when they were kids, then when he was 'older' he'd also seemed to think *Julia Chriton was a pretty girl and if he'd been able to Edward thought his brother would have blushed around the copper haired teen and then he'd said he thought Mei was nice once, though she was too young at the time, when he'd been back in his real body for a while.

Those girls didn't have any resembling qualities; then again…Edward didn't really have a 'type' either, so he shouldn't expect Alphonse to. They hadn't really gone through normal puberty as it was.

Alphonse had been without a body and Edward had practically been A-sexual.

His thoughts on what was a 'pretty' or 'attractive' girl varied greatly and had always somehow ended up being compared to Winry. She was really pretty, Edward had always thought but those thoughts had never meant anything to him until he was 18 and she was flirting blatantly with him during his automail adjustments, while Alphonse took long walks in the grass fields because he just loved the grass back then.

Such a simple time.

His mind didn't linger on Winry's flirtatious touches and laugher, instead they turned fully to Alphonse's happy smiles and jubilant tales he'd tell of laying in the grass, or climbing a tree…or finding a damned kitten wandering around and stroking its fur…he'd sit on the couch with Edward and beam about how he could feel the cats purr against his chest and how he loved the feeling, it soothed him.

He was smiling slightly with his brothers happy face in mind as he turned the corner and crossed the street to the apartment entrance,  _'Maybe I should let him have a cat…he always wanted one and it'd been a stupid idea when we were travelling around, now though he could give it the time and attention it needs…it might be a helpful distraction…'_  he talked it over in his head, reaching the double doors and pushing one large half inward, the handle was cold even through his glove.

He'd taken some painkillers that morning but as usual when the weather was so cold, the pain had only been slightly dulled around his automail port. But Edward was so used to it that he walked as if there were no pain, later though when he'd be trying to sleep it'd probably keep him up…along with other stuff.

He felt much calmer though, the cold fresh air that had burned a bright red over his nose was numbing somehow and the long walk provided some clarity. Talking with Mustang, the normalcy of it had also helped him clear his head, he thought that Alphonse also just needed a distraction.

University and a pet kitten seemed like a good idea to him.

As for dealing with the actual problem, Edward knew he could only deal with what he was given at a time, he couldn't really make a plan to deal with it, it all just depended on Alphonse and trying to sort it out when things happened…which is what terrified him…because his mind hadn't been all that strong in those situations the last few times.

The line he was walking was extremely thin and very blurry…Edward was trying to hold onto reality.

But he felt like Alphonse had already forgotten about the line…

He walked up the stairs at a gradual pace because he was trying to remain calm, he'd talk to Alphonse about getting a kitten. The younger man would probably smile and Edward knew it'd be great to see him smile. He looked forward to it as he reached the apartment door and pulled his key from his pocket, he tried his key and found it wasn't lock but he didn't panic. Alphonse could have gone down to the lobby or across the street at some point…no big deal…he opened the door normally and no longer tried to be too quiet.

He had to be strong…even though he was nauseous and worried about what he'd say to Al first thing after last night, even though his insides felt cold.

…he couldn't let anything come between them…not even that.

Once inside he passed the lounge and slipped into the first doorway which was the kitchen, Edward shuffled around unpacking the stuff that needed refrigeration, waiting…anxiously, for his brother to appear in the doorway while he played over an opening statement in his head.

' _Morning Al, how're you feeling?...no, that's fucking awful…don't want to think about how he'd answer that…shit, but what if he wants to talk about…it…he should be able to talk about it with me…'_  he sighed and paused with his hand on the closed fridge after putting the eggs away.

The idea of Alphonse talking about what happened last night made him pale a little and he swallowed thickly.

He walked over to the warmer and looked inside as he shook off the prickle of discomfort on his skin and his temper flared slightly when he saw the uneaten cheese scones, not one had been touched.

Frustrated, Edward switched it off, "Dammit Al…" he mumbled, worried for his brothers worsening state, physically and mentally. Still, he wasn't going to pick a fight, he was tired of the tension.

Edward walked out of the kitchen, glancing down the hall to Alphonse's slightly open bedroom door, he frowned lightly as he walked back to the small entrance hall,

"Alphonse." He said aloud as he took his coat off his shoulders, leaving him in a black button up shirt he'd worn over a white long sleeve warm shirt and a pair of formal black slacks. Edward stepped out of his tight formal shoes, he hated those, and he opened the small coat closet…pausing when he didn't see Alphonse's coat.

Edward frowned and turned slightly to look at the door, he thought back to when he'd entered and remembered with a bit of worry that it hadn't been locked…and now he wondered if Alphonse was still out.

 _'Why wouldn't he lock the door…?'_  Edward frowned and placed his coat on a hanger quickly.

He turned back into the hall and walked toward Alphonse's door, he knocked twice loudly and pushed the door in, casting his eyes over the neat room, except for the bed…it wasn't made –Edward remembered the night before and shuddered involuntarily. The room was empty…

He looked around one last time and then stepped out and glanced at the closed bathroom door, if his brother was in there for any reason, it was awfully quiet.

Edward didn't want to unnecessarily invade his privacy like he had the night before, whether he was brushing his teeth or on the toilet, Edward was not walking in until he was acknowledged.

He walked to the bathroom door and knocked loudly,

"Alphonse, are you in there?" he said loudly.

There was no answer.

Edward frowned and knocked again, when no sound was heard he wrapped his knuckles on the wood much louder,

"Al, are you in there?!" he said louder than before.

His thoughts of anxiousness and fear of confrontation were completely forgotten the moment he hadn't seen his brother's coat, now he felt uneasy and his stomach felt tense because he was worried.

He reached for the handle and pushed it down, the door pushed inward…it was unlocked,

"Alphonse…" he tried again…then he noticed steam filtering out of the opening he'd made in the door.

Fresh warm steam…meant Alphonse was in there…so why wasn't he answering?

Edward didn't hesitate the open the door fully and look straight across to the bathtub that spanned the short end wall of the small bathroom.

The ground felt as though it fell out from underneath him for only a split second before hot shock flushed through him, senses rushing back to his nerve endings, his legs became wobbly as he rushed forward,

"Alphonse…" the first time he said the name it was short and breathy, "…ALPHONSE…" when he reached the bathtub side it was loud and shaky.

Edward shook ALL OVER, he saw blood on the tiles streaking downward from mid-way up the wall to behind wet fair blonde hair…and Alphonse lay in an awkward crumpled heap sideways inside the tub, the water had gushed out and wet the floor and it soaked Edward's socks, he felt it under his right foot…warm water.

The water and steam were still warm, the entire bathroom was still warm,  _'It hasn't been long…'_  he heard the words somewhere in his mind but he never the less felt momentarily lost and his hands twitched for scared seconds as he tried to figure out what to do.

It was only a second before he got to his knees heavily and reached for his limp brother but it felt like an eternity in his mind, Edward's pants knees soaked up cooling bath water as he reached across the tub to take Alphonse face into his shaking hands.

He lifted his brothers chin and his head lolled in his hands, his skin was cool to touch despite the warmth in the room, Edward felt his throat catch on his breath as he mumbled Alphonse's name while reaching his hands around to the back of his head, it lolled forward as Edward slipped his hands into the wet hair and then quickly pulled his hands back…he felt relieved to find no blood on his hands.

 _'Not his head bleeding…something's bleeding…it's his blood on the wall…'_  he told himself as he looked into the deep bath water, it was tinged pink which meant the wound was below the water.

Edward decided he had to get Alphonse out of the bath and he looked over Alphonse's awkward position.

He could heard himself breathing heavily, his eyes stung as he surveyed the situation, his hands still holding his brothers cool face just because he needed the contact right then.

Alphonse was sideways in the tub, back facing the wall side of the tub and his legs bent up and squashed against the other side, parted in uncomfortable angles. His arms were limp, both at his sides under the water and his chin had been to his chest when Edward found him.

His mind worked it over and he decided that despite how bad it looked, Alphonse must had fainted and not slipped because he fell backwards and not forwards.

The wall behind him had actually probably saved him from far worse damage. Edward didn't want to think about if Alphonse had fallen forward, the image of his brother's head cracked open on the floor tiles sent shivers of panic and flushes of fear through him.

He quickly came back from his panic and lightly tapped Alphonse's cheek with one hand while he lifted his head back properly with the other,

"Alphonse, please say something, tell me you're okay…" he was saying uselessly as the lump in his throat made him swallow painfully, Alphonse was white in his face.

He looked awful, just awful and Edward was flooded with guilt.

 _'I should have checked on him this morning…fuck, dammit what the hell kind of a brother am I!'_  he made a sound of scared frustration and gave up on trying to wake Alphonse.

Instead he stood up and leaned over, balancing one hand on the rim across from himself and using his other arm to securely hook under Alphonse's arm and part way around his back.

He turned him sideways as much as he could until the angle of his body shifted enough and his legs limply stretched out horizontally in the tub.

He kept his hold on Alphonse so he didn't slip into the water and his grip on the tub and looked at his soaked socked feet and then to the bathmat he was standing on with his automail foot, it was crooked like it'd been moved.

He pulled it over as best he could with automail toes so he could stand on it, it was wet but provided the necessary traction, he braced his knees against the bath and with as much strength as he could muster, Edward slid his other arm under Alphonse's legs at his knees and lifted.

With that angle he knew he couldn't lift his brother properly up, Edward was strong but the situation was precarious, Alphonse was dead weight and slippery wet, the bath side was not good enough for balance and to top it off he was shaking life a leaf.

So he lifted Alphonse most of the way up and then bent his legs as he used the bath rim to get Alphonse in a better grip, supporting his weight higher up.

He glanced at the blood on the tiles with a worried frown and then lower, he noticed there was a crack and chip missing from the porcelain soap holder…but he didn't try to put the two together right then.

It took a minute and felt like forever but when he had a firm grip on Alphonse behind his back and under his knees Edward steadied himself, standing straight on shaking legs, he carefully walked across the bathroom floor with his wet socks.

He only noticed then the clothes littering the floor, he didn't give a shit enough to try and figure out what happened, Alphonse was cold and _bleeding_ from somewhere and Edward had to help him.

Thinking quickly Edward turned down the hall for his own bedroom, he knew he had a small first aid kit in his travel luggage, it had become a necessary part of his life when he was younger and it remained a habit to carry.

Grateful he hadn't shut his door fully that morning he nudged it open with his foot and pushed it in, carefully walking with Alphonse through the doorway before he rushed to his bed and placed him down quickly,

"Alphonse, wake up…" he said quickly and turned to cross the room to his still mostly unpacked valise.

As he shoved some clothes around to find the small medi-kit, Edward noticed the blood on his hand and part of his arm, his shirt was black but there was a metallic red glint over part of the sleeve.

 _'His back is hurt…'_  he noted, that had been the arm under Alphonse's back.

He found the kit and rushed back to the bedside, Alphonse was still out cold and soaking Ed's blue sheets. He grabbed Alphonse's wrist and pressed his fingers down, he found a faint pulse.

He rubbed his fingers over the wrist to pick up some moisture and then placed his fingers under Alphonse nose and over his mouth…there was breath but it was shallow and faint over the moisture on his hands.

But he was breathing,

"Just unconscious…he must have fainted…" he was frowning as he gently turned Alphonse onto his side, it took a little effort to get him stay that way since he was limp but then Edward could see the cut running down his back, it was more to his side than toward his spine.

It looked relatively deep.

He ripped the sealed medi-kit open and everything landed everywhere, he didn't care, he scooped up the alcohol pads and ripped it open with his teeth, pulling one out as he sat on the single bed in the space made when he'd turned Alphonse on to his side.

Edward placed one hand on a cold shoulder and leaned in closer right before he ran the alcohol pad over the split still bleeding flesh, Alphonse twitched and it eased Edward's worry, it was stinging and Alphonse could feel it.

He was not so far out of it.

As he cleaned the cut with immense paranoia a few times more than necessary, Edward didn't think of anything but getting the cut clean and gauzed up.

He didn't think of the fact that his clothed body made contact with several areas of Alphonse's naked body, he was sitting behind the youngers back, the length of Alphonse's lower back aligned with Edward's thigh of his leg bent partially under him on the bed as he sat sideways, his foot and ankle pressed underneath the leg not on the bed. The side of his hip was pressed against Alphonse's backside because of the way he was sitting. His arm holding Al steady and balancing him as he cleaned gently had eased after a moment so his hand remained on his shoulder but his arm rested along Alphonse's side.

Given a little more time and probably once he'd placed gauze on the wound, Edward would have without a doubt found a spare blanket –since Alphonse was lying on his fully made up sheets- and he would have covered his nudity…but he didn't have time to reach such a moment.

Because Alphonse was awake.

Edward had finally torn open a pack of gauze after rubbing some antiseptic cream over the wound lightly and he placed one square first, the two more all along the four inch cut running down his brother's pale back.

He picked up the surgical tape from where it fell in the small empty triangle of his lap and when he turned back to the gauze and adjusted his sitting position…he felt Alphonse shiver.

Edward immediately noticed the gooseflesh of his brother's skin,

"Shit, he must be cold…" he said to himself, not noticing Alphonse's eyes were open…and wide.

Edward glanced at the tape and then around the room, trying to decide what to do first, he settled on taping the gauze down because if Alphonse moved now, even though it was a little sticky from the antiseptic cream and the slight blood over the laceration, the gauze would still come off.

So he pulled some tape off, cut it with tiny medi-kit scissors and applied it to the edges of the soft white squares. Alphonse shivered again and Edward glanced at the side of his face for the first time…he stopped moving, his hand pressed to the end piece of the tape covering the last edge of the gauze.

His green eyes were wide, he looked…vacant and a little stunned.

"Al…Al…you okay?" Edward said quietly, "…I…I found you passed out…" he tried to keep the anger out of his voice, "…passed out in the bath…that's so dangerous…you didn't eat…" he was mumbling as he stood up quickly.

He'd been about to go across the room to the closet where he'd stuffed some sheets and pillows…but Alphonse was awake…and aware.

He turned over as Ed stood and grabbed the side of Ed's pant leg, rolling over from his back to his other side to face Ed.

"Al, I'm gonna get you something to cover with, your cold and wet and it's not gonna make you any better…" he noticed he sounded angry but he couldn't help it, Alphonse was being so neglectful of himself.

His mind redirected though at the look on Alphonse's face, the situation sunk in heavily when Alphonse swallowed slowly, his eyes no longer wide but still focused on Edward standing over him at the bed side,

"Edward…hold me please…?" his voice was terribly broken and raspy.

The words  **hold me**  stilled the air in Edward's lungs for a moment.

Suddenly he was very aware that Alphonse was completely naked on his bed.  
This wasn't going to do any good…he blinked a few times.

His mind raced but he nodded numbly,

"In a second…" he barely managed to get the words out and walked quickly across his room, feeling the tug of the fingers leave his pant leg.

He felt scared again…terrified…he was going to hold Alphonse because Alphonse asked, he said please, he sounded like he was hurting, the need for the embrace was conveyed in his words and his eyes.

Edward hadn't been able to say no but at least he grabbed a blanket with white knuckles and walked back toward the bed, without asking he opened it up and covered all of Al right up to his shoulders and the rest of the bed too.

Shakily Edward sat down again and he lay down next to Alphonse above the blanket.

His stomach lurched with every movement.

Still, the intimacy couldn't be avoided and Edward's breaths were short and his chest felt tight as he lay face to face on his side with his younger brother. Maybe just two inches between their faces because Alphonse mumbled for him to come closer.

Edward's heart beat painfully in his chest as he did as asked, again when Alphonse repeated that he wanted Edward to hold him. It irked Ed to feel how badly Alphonse shivered as he placed his unrestricted arm over his shoulders while he lay on his other arm.

Alphonse moved closer still under the covers and Edward's mind drew a blank when even with a blanket between them, Alphonse managed to make their closeness seem wrong.

Because it was…something was very wrong.

He swallowed as Alphonse's eyes remained open and half lidded, he was frowning,

"Why didn't you come home…?" he asked quietly.

Edward blinked a few times, his eyes were wide and he felt incredibly nervous and scared of his own brother,

"I…went to buy…some groceries…" he said in parts, because his voice was unsteady and he was whispering like Alphonse was, "…you fainted didn't you…" he looked into the green eyes close to his seriously now, "…why didn't you eat  _anything_  at all Alphonse, why…you should know tha…-"

"Shhh…please don't fight with me…" he rasped out and lowered his gaze slightly, to look at Edward's mouth but made no move to do anything and Edward struggled not to all out quake with the complete distress washing over him.

He had just told himself earlier he needed to watch himself around Alphonse…but now…this…

"I was sick Ed…I couldn't eat anything." He mumbled and raised his eyes again.

"You're sick  _now_  Alphonse, this is sick, fainting is sick…" he forgot his disquiet briefly and argued his valid point, "…eating will stop you feeling sick, you know how your body works you're not  _stupid_ …" he trailed off when Alphonse's look became a little strange and…utterly creepy.

Edward's skin crawled.

"Thank you for my body Edward…I…I owe you so much…"

Edward started trembling badly and if Alphonse noticed he obviously didn't care, he'd said what he'd said and now the weight of it settled on Edward's tight chest, he swore he was almost wheezing as Alphonse pressed his head forward so his forehead was against Ed's chin, he so slyly breathed against Ed's neck…

…while his words slithered around Edward's guilt, coiling and poisoning. Urging him to believe this was  **his**  fault somehow…

If this were not his brother Edward would have called this blatant bodily flirtation, the feeling of Alphonse's eye lashes against his chin as he lifted his head again made his mouth dry and Alphonse had the nerve to run his nose along Edward's jaw line with a contented sigh.

There were no words. Edward was floored.

And absolutely fucking terrified.

He'd tried to brace himself to expect something like this…but  **this**  was more than he'd thought would happen, this was Alphonse taking advantage of his sickness and  _blatantly_  brushing skin with him.

It was almost calculated.

The silence rung in his ears and he heard himself say,

"You don't owe me anything…just get some rest…" in a very feeble voice.

He didn't say 'stop it Alphonse'.

He didn't say 'don't do that, it's wrong'

He said nothing…he simply lay there with warm breath grazing his skin and Alphonse purposely conveying sexual desire in every small motion he made.

It left him cold. Freezing cold. His automail port throbbed hellishly as he stared blindly passed drying fair blonde hair to the wall at the back of Alphonse and he trembled…for a long time…

…Alphonse breaths evened out and he was obviously sleep…

…Edward blinked after what felt like an hour but was only more than a minute, his head ached, everything ached and when he blinked again, his breathing slowed and his eyelids felt heavy…

He hadn't slept properly, he was tired and now he was warm…and Alphonse was okay.

This was…was this okay? How they were right then?

No one could see this…Edward thought vaguely, no one would know he allowed this to happen.

If no one knew, it was okay…because Alphonse was okay and quietly asleep…it was okay.

 _'Oh fuck…this is…not…okay…is it…?'_  his aimless, useless thoughts trailed as sleep over came him and the warmth pressed against him took some of the pain away from his automail.

* * *

Edward was asleep but he wasn't completely unaware.

He was too exhausted to open his eyes though, sleep was still settled heavily within him even as he took a deep breath and shifted around, he was warm and his leg wasn't hurting.

He let sleep take him again for minutes until he stirred again, pressing his face into his pillow, but he could feel his arm under his head…he shifted slowly and let his arm stretch out above his head, his knuckles grazed the cold wall but he didn't wake up…he took another deep sleepy breath…

…and became aware of a warm, smooth sensation running over his sides…and his chest…on his skin…

He frowned as the warmth skimmed up along his chest again, sensually along his sternum before spreading out to graze his nipples. He shifted again, he felt his nipples start to harden when the smooth warmth rubbed over his pectorals again.

Then it smoothly skirted downward and over his sides…there was a chill on his lower side and back as the warmth moved around to his back, upward slowly…firmly…then downward again and to his front.

 _'Hands…feels like warm hands…'_  his brain provided.

Edward forced his eyes open a few times but they closed over and over again. He was so fucking tired.

He frowned, he felt very warm and his nipples were hard and he wasn't certain but he could feel warmth forming in his crotch as well.

 _'Fucking hard on's…I hate it when I wake up like this…'_  of course he did wake up with an erection most mornings, it was natural when his body was warm and comfortable, when his senses were buzzing in sleepy confusion and he felt pleasant.

But he hadn't done a fucking thing about it since Creta and it annoyed him a lot more recently.

Edward's brain was still starting to wake up, his cognitive abilities sparking to life slowly, he didn't notice the warm smoothness had stopped. Groggily he used his unrestricted arm which had been laying limp, he reached down and absently shifted what was semi hard in his pants, trying to get comfortable enough to sleep again.

 _'Why am I still wearing my pants…'_  he thought blearily and placed his arm back over Alphonse.

He sighed calmly,  _'At least Alphonse is okay…'_  he thought to himself.

When the warm hands once again slid underneath his shirt, Edward was fully aware of it.

 _'Alphonse is touching me…'_  his mind said clearly despite his closed eyes and sleepy breathing, his dazedness very quickly dissipated as he realized that Alphonse's warm hands were under his shirts touching his bare skin.

Thumbs purposely grazed his hard nipples and Edward was amazed that he didn't blanch or even react to the violent tingle that went down his spine –only because it was Alphonse- instead he lay there suddenly freezing cold and his eyes were wide open.

He saw darkness and hair…the top of Alphonse's head just below his nose.

' _Is…is he as-asleep…?'_  Ed was shaking again, it happened almost automatically it seemed.

Fingers slowly slipped downward along the middle of abs, one dipped into his shallow navel and he'd broken out in goose bumps and a cold sweat at the touch.

Ed opened his mouth and a breath came out but no words.

Alphonse's fingers were trembling against his lower abdomen, tickling the fine trail of dark blonde hair beneath his navel, then the touch was gone and he felt Alphonse curl into him more and make a sniffling sound…

…then the fabric front of his pants was skimmed over and without warning a shaking hand was pressed between his legs, cupping his semi very very lightly.

Edward opened his mouth again, fright crossing his expression instantly and those alarms in his head brought his headache back full force.

Alphonse sobbed again but his damned hand only cupped tighter and he  _rubbed._

"…ssstop…" Edward breathed out shaken and drawn, his chest shook with his shaky breathing, "Alph-phons-se…st-stop…stop…" he moved his hand from over Alphonse as the hand rubbed against him again harder.

Alphonse's rasp made his hair stand on end,

"But Edward…y-your…you're g-getting…" he took in a sharp breath, "…getting ha-ard…" he said it quietly Edward wouldn't have heard it if there had been any other noise in the room at all.

 _'I was asleep! I was asleep, that's why…fuck fuck FUCK! How could you do that to me while I was asleep! It's fucking wrong…so fucking wrong…!'_  he thought frantically and grabbed Alphonse wrist in his hand, tightly.

The rubbing ceased.

"Move your hand…" he mumbled gruffly and hated that it sounded like a warning.

"Edwa…-"

" **Move**  your fucking hand, Alphonse." His voice went from mildly warning to cold as ice in a second, his body was screaming at him, his mind screaming at him to yell and be angry but…but…

 _'Why am I still hard!?'_  he felt like crying…

…but he was too furious, angry words burning in the back of his throat, how could Alphonse confuse him like this, take such advantage, he'd been asleep, he hadn't even known!

Then Alphonse started crying…Edward felt him try to pull his hand away…and he let go…

 _'Shit…I was…'_  he realized he'd had quite a hard grip on Alphonse's wrist,  _'…I must have hurt him…'_

Again he wasn't making excuses, he knew Alphonse wasn't crying because of a little roughness on his wrist, he was too tough to care about that sort of pain, much like Ed, but he chose to focus on that and tried hard to ignore what Alphonse had been doing…and FUCKIT Alphonse was crying and his sobs were so deep and raspy it sounded painful.

"Alphonse, I'm sorry I hurt you…" his tone of voice was still a little rigid, he was still angry.

Harshly Alphonse shoved away from him and rolled onto his other side, the blanket was a little ways down so the back of his shaking shoulders were visible, Edward's eye sight had adjusted to the dark.

For several minutes Alphonse trembled and wept, curling into himself and Edward lay on his back, staring at the ceiling…slowly but surely his anger faded and the slightest wetness touched his lashes as he listened to Alphonse fill the space around them with his cries of…

…was it guilt or shame? Or just anger…that Edward had said no?

Did it matter?

"Please…please stop crying…I can't…take it…please Alphonse…" a tear slipped from his eyes as the mattress shook with Alphonse's sobs, "…pleasepleasepleaseplease…stop crying…please…please Alphonse…I'm begging you…" he continued to whisper to the ceiling as a few more tears followed the first.

Edward blinked rapidly when he heard the crying become muffled…Alphonse was trying to quiet himself with hands over his mouth. Edward's blood ran cold,

' _What am I doing to him…?'_  he asked himself, "…this is my fault…" he whispered but the muffled crying still drowned it out.

Edward brought his hands and gripped two handfuls of his bangs, his hair was still mostly in a ponytail, he gripped his hair painfully,

"I'm sorry…please…just stop crying…I love you…I don't want you to hurt like this…" he said as he closed his eyes to the white ceiling, his voice was strained but no more tears fell, Edward Elric did not cry easily.

The muffle was removed, the mattress shifted and through the sobs Edward heard Alphonse rasp out that he loved him too, he opened his eyes and turned his head to see Alphonse had shifted to sit up beside him and was facing him slightly.

The blanket was still covering his extreme nudity, his chest was bare and so pale in the dark and Alphonse was gripping his head tightly with one hand as he trembled and sniffed and wiped roughly at the wetness over his face, his skin blotching from the coarseness of it.

He was angry.

Edward was sorry.

He sat up and stared at Alphonse.

Alphonse took several shuddering breaths as he looked at Edward.

Edward didn't know how lost and helpless he looked.

He just knew that there was something very very wrong…and he could hardly breathe because of it.

Alphonse leaned forward and Edward didn't move.

Alphonse's lips pressed firmly against his once, he pulled back and blinked his green eyes to clear the bleariness, while Edward just stared at him and then he did it again.

When he pulled back again Edward was white as a sheet and stock still.

Alphonse was flushed and for the first time in a while, his skin looked healthy…this was what Edward noticed.

He didn't even know if he was shaking anymore…he couldn't feel it.

Alphonse moved closer and the blanket was no longer covering him.

Edward's heart felt like it stopped.

Alphonse pressed shaking hands to his shoulders and for everything Edward was worth, he couldn't find his breath when Alphonse pushed him to lie back down and straddled his lap.

 _'Oh…oh no please…please no Alphonse…I can't…'_  but he didn't  **say**  it, instead his body drained of physical energy, riddled with cold and hurt.

Alphonse leaned over him and with deception in his wet tear streaked face he mumbled that he loved Edward more than anything and please don't hate me…and you don't know how it hurts.

Edward knew how it hurt. He was hurting.

Every time Alphonse cried he hurt…

Alphonse leaned down and kissed him on the lips again, the few more that followed were moister and Edward's lips remained tightly pressed together and he stared wide eyed at his brother above him.

Focusing only Alphonse's face and nothing else happening around him.

Then Alphonse smiled down at him,

"I know you love me…I know this is…wrong…" he leaned down again, "…but it hurts less when you let me close…brother…" he breathed the last word against Ed's lips.

What a vile moment to use that word…

Edward couldn't react, his wide eyes just searched Alphonse's desperately.

When he gave no reaction and barely breathed Alphonse slight smile disappeared and tears slipped from his eyes onto Ed's face, looking sorrier that ever.

That was it…that was the end…there was nothing left of him…

Edward felt broken.

Something very wrong was happening.

Yes…it was.

He raised a shaking hand and slid his thin fingers into his younger brother's hair and pulled him down, slowly but fluently.

Something disturbing happened…and Edward Elric was empty while it happened.

And Alphonse no longer cried…

He kissed his younger brother…there was just their lips at first- wet with Alphonse's tears…then there were their tongues and a misery so pure that it was not even explainable for the older Elric…

There came a breathless passionate sound from the depth of Alphonse's throat as he sought more from Edward's parted mouth, he smiled against his older brother's lips.

Almost sweetly.

And Edward Elric was a shattered man…he might as well have been dead.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NB: This chapters content is slightly more Mature than previous chapters.
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Deftones

 

  
_You move like I want to_   
_to see like your eyes do_   
_we are downstairs where_   
_no one can see_   
_new life break away_   
_tonight I feel like more_

  
_You make the water warm_   
_you taste foreign_   
_and I know you can see_   
_the cord break away_   
_cause tonight I feel like more_   
_tonight I feel like more_

  
_You breathed_   
_then you stopped_   
_I breathed then dried you off_   
_and tonight_

  
_I feel like more_   
_tonight_

* * *

Alphonse knew he was naked from the moment he opened his eyes…seconds after a stinging sensation burned at his lower back followed by consciousness of pain in the same area.

But he didn't think on the pain on his back…because from the moment he was awake and aware…he knew not only that he was naked but that Edward was sitting behind him.

Against his naked skin.

He could feel the cotton texture of his shirt, soft and cool, against his bare side. The feeling of belt leather against his backside and smooth formal pants…covering a strong thigh, pressed against his lower back.

It was Edward, he could smell his cologne, faintly scented but complimentary to his own natural body scent.

Alphonse shivered.

Edward's fingers touched along his back, pressing into his skin around where it hurt.

He blinked at the sting in the area and his eyes widened when he remembered being in the bath and trying to get out…and then nothing.

The empty burn in his stomach reminded him of the condition he'd been in when he got home, ' _I must have passed out…'_  he thought vaguely as the noise of tape sounded and again Edward was touching him…

A sordid feeling crept very slowly along Alphonse's senses, his mind clouding and his body reacting to the very core of his incestuous feelings…Alphonse felt very little in the way of inhibitions right then.

All he knew was that he was naked and Edward was right there on a bed…and there might never be a moment like this again.

And  _god_  how badly he wanted to kiss his brother, it caused a new blooming of goose pimples over his skin and he shivered again. The pain was playing along the edges of his consciousness but Edward's warmth and his scent were more predominant.

Alphonse imagined what Edward would taste like and he felt the burn in his stomach begin to worsen.

 _'It's wrong…I shouldn't be thinking that…'_  he knew his body was rejecting the feelings, while his mind had altered to accommodate them, it meant that even as much as he loathed himself, he still knew what was wrong…he knew that this was wrong.

The problem was that he didn't care. And he had no idea when that had happened.

Edward's voice filtered through his heart beat deafening him, he hadn't realized his heart was beating so fast.

He said something about finding him passed out, Alphonse knew that…then the mattress shifted and he felt the smooth clothing leave his skin.

He reached out, turning and grabbing into what he could before Edward walked away and this  _opportunity_  passed.

 _'Just…I just want him to hold me…'_  he lied to himself and voiced his words, not surprised at how pathetic and broken his voice was.

When he'd turned over he'd ended up lying on whatever wound he had and it hurt like fuck, but he kept his grasp on Ed's pants and stared straight up into his eyes.

Edward looked like he was afraid, it was such a rare look.

_'He shouldn't be afraid of me…'_

Edward said something and he pulled away, Alphonse felt the burn run up into his chest again, his heart beat was still too loud, he watched Edward retrieve a blanket from a cupboard. Absently he realized he felt cold, he glanced over himself and felt a little nauseas when he wondered if he looked attractive to Edward, naked like that.

His stomach clenched , _'…he doesn't even care that I'm naked…because he doesn't see me that way…'_  he looked back up when the blanket fell over him, cold on his skin…his skin felt so sore.

His back hurt as well and his eyes were sandy and burning, he was cold…but heat churned in certain places and as Edward sat down…stiffly, Alphonse felt another shudder move through him. Edward lied down and Alphonse absently asked him to lie closer, even though it didn't feel close enough.

In quick flashes his thoughts demanded Edward get under the blanket with him, demanded Edward take his clothes off and allow Alphonse to  _feel_  every inch of him…every inch of every part of him.

He'd seen it, it was like torture to have seen what he couldn't have.

 _'Edward loves me…why can't he just love me in a different way…'_ he pressed himself up closer to his older brother and muttered a request for Edward to hold him, noticing his tone, '… _I sound insistent…why am I doing this, I know it makes him uncomfortable…but he's so warm…'_  he smiled inwardly, content washing over him and he shivered unbidden at the arm that lay over his shoulders.

He was staring into Edward eyes, rare golden eyes…that still seemed afraid.

He nearly asked why but the corrupt part of his soul forced him not to ask that question, Edward would tell him why and the moment would ruined.

Instead he asked where Edward had been.

For absolutely no reason he felt a rush of jealously and hatred as he wondered bitterly 'had he called Winry to say he misses her' and 'had he seen some girl that he wanted to talk to', the jealously surprised him, it was so overpowering he barely heard Edward's reply and his heart was pounding again.

He blinked slowly at Edward's chastising and shushed him…urgent heat in his abdomen told him to just kiss his brother and shut him up, he looked at Edward's mouth…his usually fair pink lips were pale and quivering.

Alphonse became a little nauseas.

This is wrong…he knew it, he was making Edward feel like that.

But the fact that he made Edward feel so horrible only made him angry.

 _'Why can't he love me_ _ **completely**_ _…?'_  he looked up again to see Edward staring at him with those wide frightened eyes.

He answered that he was sick…Edward should know that already.

There was more chastising and Alphonse nearly whined, why did Edward have to do this, couldn't he just…let it be…?

…he thought that but the pain throbbing through his back and stomach said otherwise.

When Edward talked about him knowing his body, Alphonse felt a little colder and he said something awful.

His chest hurt all of a sudden.

 _'Why would I say that to him…?'_  he pressed his head forward as if that would convey his apology but he got caught up in the smoothness of Edward's skin, the smell of his skin, he exhaled contentedly.

His insides quivered with warmth and Alphonse  _knew_  he wanted this, he wanted Edward more than ever.

He raised his head, exhaling hotly onto his brothers…cold…skin and he opened his eyes slowly before inhaling lightly along Edward's jaw.

He was starting to feel a stir in his groin, quick and intense for the man lying beside him.

It was all for Edward.

This was still love…it was just a different kind.

Edward's broken, scared voice broke through the buzzing heat of his ears and the vague shame he felt over his quickly rising sex, saying he owed him nothing…but still Alphonse wanted to give him everything.

It was wrong.

 _'The wrong kind of love…'_  he reminded himself.

He blinked back tears that Edward couldn't see and relaxed himself, feeling the pain in his body more distinctly now that his filthy urges had been momentarily subdued by his brother's broken voice…

…still…still he wanted to touch Edward…but it was wrong.

He stared at Edward's shirted chest for a short time before the warmth made him sleepy…and he drifted off.

* * *

When Alphonse awoke the room was dark which meant a few hours had passed…he remembered the room being day lit before he fell asleep…with Edward.

He quickly shifted his lowered head to look up and true enough…Edward was deeply asleep. His face was actually peaceful and his warm exhales shifted the hair on Alphonse's forehead.

 _'It feels so perfect…'_  Alphonse trailed his gaze over Edward's face over and over, he was no longer pale but he looked a little sick, he had exhaustion lines around his eyes and…he even looked a little thinner.

It had been just four days and Edward was starting to feel the effects of his sickness.

He lay for a long while, watching Edward sleep, his face didn't even twitch, he was very deeply asleep, lying with one arm bent under his head and Alphonse imagined it was probably numb and Edward's shoulder would ache when he got up.

He felt sorrow fill him when he thought of this moment ending, where Edward would wake up and he'd have to go back to his room and they'd go back to unspoken boundaries of brothers.

He just wanted Edward to want him, he was a living, feeling being and he could give Edward himself more wholly than any lover his brother could find.

"No one…" he whispered quietly, he felt his chest tightening at the need to cry, "…no one will love you like I will. I will give you everything Edward, you can have everything I have to give…you already do…I want you to have me…" he swallowed painfully and closed his eyes.

He didn't think it mattered that he wasn't a girl, Edward had never showed any aversion to homosexuals in the past, except Garfield, but that hadn't been a homophobic reaction, both he and Edward were just too young to be mature about anything back then.

Of course, not having an aversion was different than partaking.

"…a body is a body…" he mumbled, he certainly saw nothing wrong with Edward's body, all man…and some metal.

But a man never the less…with a body Alphonse wanted very badly to share his sexuality with.

His mind was filled with his dreams and fantasies, his very recent one from the night before right at the forefront and all at once he was back in his bed with Edward between his legs, touching him.

His breath hitched and he opened his eyes to look at his sleeping brother's face…he didn't know it but he'd never looked so depraved in all his life.

His lips quivered as a few trembles made their way through him and his hands slid up from under the covers, the air in the room was cold on his bare shoulders as he brought his arms out, but he didn't care…

He touched his fingers to Edward's face, not too lightly because tickling him would wake him…Alphonse didn't want him to wake up… and then he started to shake, his insides twisting uncomfortably as he lowered his hands down to Edward's shirt hem.

His hands shook as he curled his fingers around the hems of the two layers his brother wore and pushed it up only slightly, until his knuckles grazed Edward's very warm abdomen.

Alphonse felt volts of arousal and flushes of blood rush straight through him, all to one place…hardening him.

His restraint started slipping faster and before he knew it he was sliding his hands under Edward's shirts and exhaling heavily, biting his lip and curling himself into Ed – so that his erection would not be felt- as he ran his palms over Edward's firm chest…

Edward stirred and Alphonse stifled a sob and he prayed to a god he didn't believe in that Edward would not wake up…yet he didn't stop. His hands again pressed over Edward's chest and he felt Edward's nipples turning pert under his hands…he ran his hands down, feeling scar tissue Ed's left side where he'd been injured in the mine explosion, smooth and disfigured skin.

Edward's body knew pain…the thought made Alphonse shiver.

He was fully hard by then and for a second he nearly shoved his hand under the blanket to touch himself.

But Edward shifted again.

He removed his hands slowly…cautiously…he was fully aware of what he was doing and that he should not get caught doing it.

Alphonse swallowed thickly, his face was so hot…

He felt Edward raise his arm from over his waist, where it had ended up of its volition during sleep, and Alphonse watched with wide nervous eyes as Edward reached down and groped his crotch briefly.

 _'I want to touch him…I want to touch him like that…'_ he could have moaned,  _'I want to touch his cock…'_  his ears started ringing as the thought, raw and far too true, forced his heart to beat painfully in his chest, he throbbed in all the best and worse ways.

He was so turned on he didn't know what to do.

Edward was lying with him, inches away…Alphonse was naked and he felt tingles in even his untouched private places. He didn't know why it was so intense but he didn't think about it long before he slipped his hands back under Edward's shirts and brazenly thumbed his nipples.

Edward's breath hitched.

Alphonse knew Edward had fair pink nipples, the image in his head made the touch so much better and they were firm and tense and Alphonse could only purse his lips to keep silent as he trailed his fingers down Edward's abs…sliding his index finger into his brothers shallow navel in a way he'd like to do with his tongue.

Alphonse trembled a little anxiously because Edward's breathing had ceased to be even and calm, he knew he was awake and the need to cry coupled with his nausea was very powerful right then as he removed his hands.

 _'…this will never happen again…I'll never get to touch him again…maybe…he loves me…he…he'll understand that I just want…'_  he was shaking and one of his sobs left his tense throat as he quickly, forcing past the very last of his proper sense, moved his hand and cupped Edward through his pants.

He nearly moaned…Edward was partially erect and he could feel the heat of Edward's groin through the clothes. He didn't know why he was tearing up...probably because he knew it was wrong, but he held it firmer and curled and pressed his fingers, rolling what he could feel in his palm.

His face was wet with his tears but his body ached with arousal, he'd never been so hard.

Edward's voice was quiet and stricken, he didn't sound like himself when he asked Alphonse to stop…it was the first time Edward said those words to him and it  _hurt_  so fucking badly to hear them.

He didn't know what was so bad about it, Edward was getting hard so it couldn't be that unpleasant.

He rasped out exactly what he thought and Edward's body tensed like a lashed whip, then Edward's hand gripping very tightly around his wrist and he spoke in a warning tone.

 _'I don't want to let go…please…I want to touch you…'_  he pleaded in his head but he wouldn't say it aloud, because it was so fucking wrong and he knew it.

He was going to rasp out an apology but only got as far as half of Edward's name before the grip of his wrist was painful and Edward's voice was cold and demanding. He wanted Alphonse to move his hand and he meant for him to do it  **now.**

Alphonse knew he had to back off, Edward wouldn't resort to violence, but sometimes physical pain wasn't the worst sort of pain to endure, Alphonse knew what non-physical pain was like, he'd lived with it for years.

But his chest hurt because this was rejection…and even though he deserved it…he couldn't  **stand**  it!

He tried to pull his hand away, Edward belatedly let go and Alphonse couldn't contain his need to cry, his throat pained as his vocal chords shook from the strain.

He was sick…it hurt everywhere…Edward didn't know how badly it hurt.

Edward apologized for hurting him but he didn't know the half of it!

Alphonse didn't want Edward to see how disgusting and weak he'd become, he pushed himself away and rolled over, curling into himself and like so many many nights before, he cried.

But his tears weren't even as full as before…because he was so empty inside, both of hydration and purity.

' _I'm so fucking disgusting…'_  he wanted to scream out his frustration.

Yet in the back of his mind he was aware of the firmness that he'd been so close to touching and his need wouldn't recede, it remained as it was and he curled into himself further, his head touching the cold wall.

His head ached badly after only a few minutes, too much exertion and stress…he was running on fumes.

…and Edward was begging him to stop crying…

He didn't want to hear Edward beg him…he didn't want to hear Edward sound so defeated, Edward was so high spirited, so full of life and so strong…he didn't sound it… and Alphonse needed to help him.

He covered his mouth with shaking hands and tried to cry quietly, his entire body shook with the effort.

Edward only sounded worse when he spoke again…he sounded lost and he said he loved him.

Alphonse tried to take a deep shaky breath, but he almost couldn't so he sat up hastily and as he managed to breathe he rasped out,

"I love you too Edward…" and it was the truest words he'd ever speak.

The mattress shifted and when he looked at Edward sitting up as well…he looked utterly exposed, his eyes were shining and he had slight tear tracks over the sides of his face. His chest barely rose, he was white as snow and shaking visibly, his bangs hung partially in his face, untidy and flat…he looked so vulnerable…

…how rare.

_'He's looking at me like that because he doesn't know what to do…he doesn't want me to…to cry…'_

It was the first of many horrible things Alphonse would think.

_'…if I kissed him…it'd only be a kiss…just one kiss…he'll let me…I can see it, he's so afraid…'_

And so Alphonse leaned in and he pressed his lips to Edward's, he suppressed the voice in his head that noted how iced cold Edward was and he pulled back…but one kiss…was just not  **enough** …

So he did it again.

Edward was non-responsive…he didn't say yes…but he wasn't saying no…

 _'…he'll let me…because he loves me and…'_  he didn't think further on it, Alphonse threw the blanket off himself and he crawled over his –horribly shaking- brother, pressing him down automatically and sitting on his crotch.

His body reacted feverishly to the feeling of sitting that way.

Alphonse was so hard…and he was both frightened and excited for Edward to feel it, so he leaned forward and pressed himself to Edward so his sex was felt between them.

Somehow…Edward's bleached white, iced cold and  _hurt_ expression didn't breach his lust.

He mumbled words that fell smoothly from his mouth like butter, he didn't even have to think about it and the next thing he knew he was kissing Edward, wetting his lips and doing it over a few times.

When he pulled back, Edward just looked devastated and his lips shook…as did his entire lean frame.

He tried to tell Edward that he knew it was wrong, he tried to play to Ed's weakness…he said it hurt less to be close and it was true…and he said  _brother_  because Edward needed to remember their bond…he needed to understand that Alphonse only wanted to deepen that connection.

But Edward's eye's only searched his desperately…asking why and saying 'no no no no' without words.

His chest tightened, his stomach lurched and he wrongfully felt anger rage through him and he clenched his eyes feeling the far too familiar warm tears leave his eyes.

He didn't know why or really care…he just  **felt** Edward's shaking hand slide into his hair and the next thing he registered was that Edward was kissing him.

And everything faded into the background, every feeling except the willing lips pressed against his own.

Alphonse couldn't…he simply could not…hold back.

He wanted more and his tongue said so against Edward's sealed lips…and Edward opened his mouth.

Alphonse had a sensory over load, he couldn't help but smile…it had been too many months of wanting contact, needing this feeling, to feel this heat and Edward's tongue did not require coaxing…no…

…it moved into his mouth smooth and wet and Edward  _kissed_  him, properly.

It was too much, to feel Edward's tongue swirl and suck at his own with something akin to determination, his insides melted and just like that –with Edward's tongue skillfully encircling his own in a way Alphonse had never felt- he came.

He made a sound into Edward's mouth as he coated his brother's shirt and his bare stomach with his sin, his body tensed and he plunged his tongue down Edward's throat, seeking taste and texture urgently.

Edward tasted bland…

And Edward was once again completely unresponsive.

Alphonse was still shuddering from his orgasm when he opened his green eyes and what he saw shocked him.

Edward was wide eyed…and pain was etched into face as if someone had just stabbed him.

Alphonse breathed heavily and frowned lightly down at him, Edward's lips were wet and white,

"Ed…" was all he could rasp.

Edward blinked rapidly as though he'd just been awoken and his eyes reddened,

"Alph…Alphonse…please…get off of me…" he said quietly, so quietly.

He wasn't even shaking anymore…and neither was Alphonse, he felt too warm and numb.

But Edward's face was scaring him, so he pushed himself to sit up, noting that his legs cramped from the bent position straddling Ed…and also that Edward's shirt stuck to his bare skin for a moment before pulling away when he was sitting up fully.

Edward wasn't looking at him.

Edward didn't seem to want to.

"Edward…"

"Get. Off." He whispered stiffly.

Alphonse did as told, moving off Edward to the side, before he even had his leg up over Edward the older man sat up and Alphonse watched as Edward hastily left the room, tripping over his own two feet twice before he disappeared into the dark hall…

Ten seconds later the toilet lid hit the cistern with a clank and Alphonse heard him throwing up…long and loud…

It echoed through the apartment…

Alphonse's insides started to burn again and he became aware of his back stinging badly…

Edward's vomiting sounds were consistent and so was his retching…

There was something off putting and dark about the very air around him…

He sat naked in the dark, his stomach soiled with his own semen…

His brother was hurting, he could hear it…

…but he didn't cry.

He ran a hand through his hair and sighed very deeply.

Alphonse closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them, they were focused and only the barest minimum of regret could be seen.

But not for what had happened…no, Alphonse would do it again…if he could.

But for the fact that they were brothers…

He never even realized how awful it was that he wished Edward wasn't his brother.

No…Alphonse was sick and Edward was the only one who eased his pain.

They already had one foot in the door…

He ran his thumb over the corner of his mouth at the wetness there from their joined saliva and felt gratified.

…Edward would give in, "…because he loves me…and I love him."

* * *

Edward was avoiding him.

The morning that followed he'd found Edward curled up tightly on the black couch in the lounge under the large windows, back facing outward and face buried into a sofa cushion, hidden.

Alphonse had slept in his brother's bed and when the sun came up and washed the room with pale light, he'd finally decided to leave the bed.

Conscious of his nudity, Alphonse had wrapped the blanket over Edward's bed around himself and walked to his bedroom…he didn't feel well…

…but then, he hadn't for a very long time.

His back felt stiff and sore around his injury, his elbow was sore and slightly swollen too, with a bruise marring the skin. The gauze was sticking uncomfortably to what he assumed was dried blood on his back, he didn't actually know what had happened to him…

In his bedroom he found a loose pants and T shirt and pulled it on, he wanted to take a bath but after yesterday –passing out- he was a little more wary and he figured he should at least have a cup of tea and maybe a slice of toast.

Even though his stomach burned and his hands and legs shook and felt weak, he wasn't nauseas.

When really he should have been. Things were not right and probably wouldn't ever be again.

When he left his room clothed for the first time in hours –and somehow not ashamed of it- Alphonse found himself at the end of the short hall staring across the lounge as his brothers unmoving back.

Edward had changed clothing at some point.

He didn't know if Edward was asleep, his side rose and fell evenly but that didn't mean he was asleep.

The apartment felt very cold.

He'd fallen asleep to the sound of Edward vomiting the night before and woken with a start a few times through the night, distant memories of when they were running through Amestris together, trying to restore their bodies had been playing over…the memories felt ominous and somehow tainted to him now.

Everything felt tainted.

He'd left Edward to sleep –or lay- whichever he was doing because he  _knew_  it was not a good idea to go near his older brother after last night. Not right away.

What had ensued was clear in his mind…the reason Edward threw up so violently…was because of him.

Because they'd kissed…because he'd ejaculated on Edward…the thought even disturbed him somewhat.

Because Edward was his brother…his godamned brother and it was  _not_  supposed to be this way…but it was.

That was reality.

If they weren't related something like what had happened would not have been disturbing, he assumed Edward might even have been flattered that he came just from a kiss…but no…it was not like that.

Edward had been stricken, mortified and as his puking had clearly represented, disgusted.

Alphonse felt anger and sadness bubbling beneath the surface of his placid outward emotions.

Where the common sense, properly felt shame and disgust had gone he didn't know…but those feelings no longer plagued him.

But he was worried because Edward's expression…had been so hurt, like he'd been betrayed.

 _'I did betray him…I…manipulated him…'_  he was standing in the kitchen and he leaned heavily on the counter, eyes wide and unseeing,  _'…I took advantage of him, when all he's been trying to do was make me feel better, to get me well…'_

The disgust that had been misplaced returned but only with half as much conviction, because it was too late. Alphonse had accepted what he felt and now all that was left was to deal with it.

But Edward was avoiding him.

It became obvious after some time as he sat in the kitchen for a half hour as mid-morning passed and his half-finished tea and half eaten toast sat on the table in front of him.

He'd heard movement in the lounge and then Edward's bedroom door had been closed…quietly.

He didn't move, he just leaned on the table and listened…Edward emerged sometime later and then the bathroom door was closed…quietly.

The shower ran for an hour…noon was approaching.

Alphonse had laid his head on the table.

The bathroom door opened, there were some noises in the hall, quiet footsteps passed the kitchen, he raised his head and saw nothing and then he distinctly heard the front door open and close…quietly.

Edward had 'snuck' out.

* * *

There was nothing he could do about it.

The tears he felt like crying never left his eyes.

Instead he had a glass of milk, took two painkillers for his headache and made his way to the bathroom. He'd eaten barely anything, but his vision was mostly clear and his stomach was only mildly sore and not an unbearably ache anymore.

He found the wash basket was empty of all clothes, so was the bathroom floor, all of his clothes he'd remembered leaving on the floor yesterday was gone, the bathroom was tidy, floor tiles looked clean.

Yesterday seemed so long ago…how had they ended up like this?

It was Alphonse's fault but he chose not to acknowledge it.

He took his clothes off, even though he'd only worn them for a short while and he discarded them into the empty basket. He stepped into the bath, pulling the curtain closed and he took a proper shower…almost regretful of washing the smell of Edward off of him, however faint it was.

When he was done showering and freshening up, he left the bathroom and walked into his room…he stopped in the doorway to stare at his bare bed, his sheets, pillow cases and covers were all gone.

Alphonse ignored the chill in the air catching the bare wet skin of his upper body as he stepped back out of his room, retightening his towel knot as he walked to Edward's room and opened the door.

Edward's bed was bare as well.

He had an idea that Edward had gone down to the laundry room…he had an idea to go look for him…but he didn't. He went back to his bedroom and pulled on underwear and comfortable jeans, his back burned as he contemplated his shirt.

He'd looked at the cut down his back once he'd completed his shower –he'd also seen the cracked missing piece of porcelain from the soap holder and worked out why his elbow hurt and exactly what had cut him, he'd obviously dropped very heavily.

The cut looked deep, irritated, raw and it hurt quite badly, the water had stung immensely when it'd first gotten wet.

He sat heavily on his bare bed, running a hand through his toweled damp hair, he knew full well that he couldn't attend it on his own, it wasn't exactly in a convenient place.

Time seemed to pass in the quiet and Alphonse eventually pulled his shirt on, once he thought his back had dried completely, it hurt to move.

He left his room and went to sit in the lounge.

He just sat there, not leaning back but forward, elbows on his knees, staring at his bare pale feet against the floor tiles.

He sniffed.

Alphonse looked across the floor to the front door, hoping Edward would return soon, when he dropped his eyes to the bottom of the door he saw the stack of his papers from the university lying exactly where he'd left them next to the door when he'd sunk to the floor the previous afternoon.

He stood up and walked over, crouching down and picking the stack up.

He spent the next hour filling in his enrollment form and reading through his options, it felt good to be focusing on something other than the torrent of wrong and right dominating his thoughts constantly.

He was just paging through the campus layout booklet when the door opened and he quickly looked up from all of his papers scattered on the plastic covered coffee table.

Edward was closing the door, head down and back facing the lounge, he wasn't wearing a coat just a dark grey sweater and dark jeans, he stepped out of his shoes and turned around.

Their eyes met.

Dull –always stunning- golden eyes held his sad green for only a moment before Edward walked toward the hall.

"Edward." Alphonse stood up.

Edward ignored him and disappeared into the hall.

Being so blatantly ignored made him stagger in his first steps to follow his brother but after that he moved quickly and entered the hall just as Edward's door was closed.

He back stepped where he stood, not sure what to do…he did actually need Edward's help right then.

Would Edward care? Alphonse didn't deserve anything from him.

He'd literally violated his older brother just hours before…probably fucked Edward up more than seeing a failed transmutation bleeding and spewing in their old basement or homunculi could have ever done.

Yes he knew full well what he'd done the night before by forcing –manipulating- Edward into that position.

And while he felt bad for it…he had no actual regrets.

He took quiet breaths as he approached the door at the end of the hall and knocked lightly,

"Edward please, I need your help…" he said quietly, more surprised than he should have been that his voice was still raspy.

He waited for quiet seconds until the door opened and Edward – expressionless but clearly exhausted, face pale and skin sallow- looked at him,

"What is it?" he asked quietly, sounding unlike himself.

Alphonse stared with wide eyes at Edward's appearance…feeling his misplaced guilt return full force and felt the urge to start sobbing like some ridiculous weak child…but the tension than squared Edward's shoulders at the first signs of his distress made him swallow and reel in his emotions.

Edward didn't want him to cry…he was afraid of Alphonse crying.

"I…" he coughed because his throat felt like it might close, "…I can't…I need you to reapply…the gauze to my back...I can't do it, please…" he said quietly and scratchy.

"Wait in the lounge…" Alphonse blinked as the door was closed in his face, not slammed, but still effectively leaving his heart sore and insides jelly like.

He did as told, returned to the lounge and waited until Edward eventually came into the lounge with a few medical supplies in hand. Alphonse moved some stuff off the coffee table and sat on it so Edward could stand behind him.

"Lift your shirt…" Edward said curtly.

Alphonse knew he didn't want to have to touch him and it hurt to know it,

"O-okay…" he did as told again, not taking it off, just pulling it up carefully over the sore flesh until it was bunched under his arms.

He heard the crinkle of packaging and felt the application of the alcohol pad, cool and stinging…just like the night before…when everything that shouldn't have happened…he'd forced to happen.

No, he didn't regret Edward kissing him…he'd loved the feeling, he'd loved the feeling of sitting over Edward's lap with his legs spread invitingly, loved the feeling of his sex pressed to Edward's firm stomach, loved the feeling of Ed's fingers in his hair…but he was scared of what it had done to Edward…

"Do…" he closed his eyes so he was no longer staring out of the window behind the couch, "…do you hate me?" he mumbled.

The gauze were applied and the tape sounded but Edward didn't answer.

It was done in five minutes and Edward's hesitant touch was completely gone, Alphonse stood up and pulled his shirt down as he turned around. Edward was squashing the empty used packaging into one hand while he held the other reusable stuff in his other, he didn't look at Alphonse.

When he turned to walk away, slipping his ponytail back over his shoulder absently, Alphonse's insides quivered and he swallowed down his need to start crying because it would upset Edward,

"Do you hate me, Edward?"

The older boy stopped walking,

"You know I don't…" he answered quietly but didn't turn around.

Alphonse blinked rapidly,

"…but you want to…because…I'm sick you can't stop it…" he didn't want Edward to ignore him, rather they fight, rather they get everything out in the open.

Edward turned to look at him, there was no fight in his eyes,

"…you're my brother Alphonse, your life means more to me than my own…how can you think that?" it was asked calmly.

Alphonse couldn't answer that so he fidgeted with his hands,

"So you're just going to avoid me?"

"I just need some space…" his voice was empty, helpless.

"For how long?" he wanted to know.

Edward paused and stared at him,

"I don't know…" he mumbled.

Alphonse nodded but not agreeably,

"I get it…your indirectly asking me to stay away from you…" he looked directly into Edward's dull eyes.

"Just some space." He repeated quietly.

"What does that mean? It means you want to keep away, don't come close to you at all right?" he asked insistently.

Edward stared at him again for a while and then his eyes narrowed,

"Why do you need to know so badly, what do you want?" he said slightly louder.

Alphonse was breathing heavier than normal, feeling worked up for no reason,

"I just…I…"

Edward was staring him down a little unnervingly.

He took a breath,

"I…you know what I want." He said honestly, not bothering to hide anything, what was the point?

Edward didn't have any reaction but his eyes seemed to become vacant of any emotion,

"Just…just give me some space…please." He said again and turned to leave.

Alphonse raised a shaking hand to his head and closed his eyes,

"You say you love me…Edward…if you love me why can't you just…be with me…" he said aloud, "…if I was your lover…last night, it would have been so much more for us…" he was saying it more for himself.

But he was very surprised when he sensed a presence nearing him, he looked up in time to see Edward approaching him with rigid furious posture.

Edward slapped him…hard, across his face.

"Are you  **listening**  to yourself!" he yelled, he looked furious.

Alphonse stared wide eyed at him, face throbbing from the open handed hit.

" **I am not your lover**." Edward's voice was low and desperate, not matching the anger in his eyes, "…we are  **brothers**  and you're fully aware of that, I  **know**  you know what you're doing Alphonse, I know you knew what you were doing last night and I thought…" he took a shuddering breath, "…I fucking thought that if I gave you a little you'd be  **satisfied** , I thought if I…kissed…you, that it would ease your…pain…I didn't think that you'd…" his eyes were watering.

Alphonse just stared at him pale and speechless.

"You- you…p-put  **yourself**  against me…and you…you…" he vaguely gestured to his mid-section, "…do you even know what that did to me…" his voice cracked, "…you broke me last night, Alphonse…" his name sounded like pure pain from Edward's mouth and his face creased up, teeth clenching and face twitching with emotion "…I can never look at you the same way…I can never…after that…" he trailed off.

Alphonse blinked a few times and closed his slightly parted lips, his throat was dry so he swallowed before he spoke,

"I…I don't want you to look at me the s-same way you always have…" he said quietly but seriously.

Edward's rigid posture fell and defeat took over his expression, he closed his eyes mournfully and tears slipped over his cheeks.

Alphonse wanted to wipe them away…but Edward had hit him and something warned him that things were different now…so maybe he shouldn't take any chances.

He could hold his own in a fight with Edward well enough –on a healthy day- but even so, Edward's pain threshold was far higher than his and if he took one hit that was just the right kind of hard, he'd go down and not get up for a while.

He didn't want to fight physically with Edward anyway.

He just wanted to get through to Edward.

Edward was running a hand over his face, looking far too tired and used up, it made Al worry but they had to confront this,

"Edward…why can't you try…?" he asked, his voice was shaken and he hadn't expected that.

"Because…" Edward swallowed and exhaled loudly in exasperation, "…because we're…"

"Brothers, yes I know that. But is that it…I don't repulse you…do I?"

Edward looked at him with confused eyes,

"Last night, yes, I was pretty fucking repulsed."

Alphonse took the insult as evenly as he could,

"…because?"

"Because!" Edward said harshly then lowered his voice, "…because of…because of…"

"Because I'm your brother…" Alphonse added.

It was as he thought, from day one Edward had shown no revulsion to him, just mild disconcertion and extreme concern.

"If we were lovers…last night…"

"We. Are. Not. Fucking. Lovers." Edward spat the words out coldly in his face.

"But if we were." Alphonse responded coolly.

Edward just stared at him as if he'd never seen him before.

His face throbbed but he ignored his swollen cheek,  
"You're not a believer in God Edward, yet its sin that plagues you, or is it social taboo that bothers you…because I have no interest in telling anyone about this. Or is it the science behind it, the incorrect mixing of DNA…I'm not a woman, I can't bare any children, that consequence is void." He said exactly what he thought.

"You've lost your mind." Edward said plainly looking bewildered.

"I'm in love with you." Alphonse smiled very sadly at Edward.

The older Elric drained of all color.

"I'm in love with you and I know that now. I also know that no one could ever love you as  _unconditionally_  as I do. No one will accept you for everything that you are, everything you've done…everything about you that's unconventional like I will…Edward I know you better than anyone, I love everything about you…I would die for you, I have before…" he trailed off, his chest ached and his sincerity was etched into his face.

He breathed in the silence, Edward did not.

Alphonse looked away from Edward's pale, distraught face,

"I know we said we would try to fix this together…" he knew he shouldn't say what he was about to, but Alphonse had to get through to Edward, even if it meant threatening him, "…but maybe if we went our separate ways it'd be best…" he mumbled the last part.

Edward's reaction was as expected, he breathed weakly, hesitated in worry and confusion for a second before his hands came up, he held Alphonse's face and made him look at him again while his thumb rubbed over the swollen side of his face in silent apology,

"Al…I don't want that…"

Alphonse should have been disgusted with himself but he wasn't, he loved Edward and he knew Edward could learn to love him.

"But what  **I want**  isn't doing either of us any good…if I'm not making you miserable, you're making me miserable…" his words weren't un-true and laced with sadness he truly felt.

Edward's hopeless facial expression sent pangs of regret right through Alphonse and he reached up and held Edward's wrists,

"I'm sorry…I don't want to…but I'm…" he didn't know what to say.

Even so he was deeply –disturbingly- glad he didn't take his words back…because Edward cracked…

"…just give me some time, Alphonse…I…"

Time…Alphonse had time.

He blinked lightly and one tear strayed over his reddened skin, it got caught up in Edward's absently stroking thumb as his older brother stared with absolute desolation into his eyes.

"Okay…Edward…time, I can wait for you…" it was very true, he would wait…forever.

He would probably die slowly every day if they separated permanently, for years they'd been all each other had and while they could live life apart knowing the other was near –if things had been normal- they couldn't truly be apart, if one died, the other would never be the same…

Their souls were permanently intertwined from a young age.

They'd been a part of one another's life force for a long time…

…and this was how they'd come to be.

 _'Maybe this is our fault…_ ' he thought bitterly as Edward nodded weakly, averting his eyes and took his cold shaking hands back.

His older brother walked away and into the hall, Alphonse stood a moment letting the feeling of emptiness, sorrow and…victory tug his emotions around until he heard Edward's bedroom door close.

"I don't deserve him…" he said quietly to himself.

He walked toward the hall, needing to lie down because he was so tired.

He stepped over the medical supplies lying on the floor and placed his hand on his door handle…

…and he silently started to cry where he stood…

…because he could hear Edward crying from behind his closed bedroom door, broken, desperate and hurt.

Alphonse's victory was empty.

And their roles had been reversed.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own (very relevant to this story) They belong to Our Lady Peace

  
_How do you feel_   
_How do you hate_   
_How do you wake up with_   
_That smile that's on your face_   
_Out on the moon_   
_If I was an astronaut_   
_Could I get back to you_   
_I'm out of my head_   
_I'm out of excuses so I'm staring at_   
_The bed, and it's you, it's you_   
_I hold on I hold on_   
_I can't let go_   
_And you don't know how I feel_   
_Hold on I hold on_   
_I'd sell my soul_   
_And you don't know how I feel_   
_I'm losing my heart_   
_I'm losing my pride_   
_I'd burn our initials_   
_In the sun if it would shine_   
_I need a fresh start_   
_'Cause I was in heaven until_   
_This world fell apart_   


  
_I'm out on the run_   
_I'm out in this empty space_   
_Since all of this begun_   
_Well I tried, I tried_   


  
_Nothing seems to help_   
_Nothing seems to work_   
_Nothing is as beautiful_   
_I'm old enough to take_   
_all the blame_   
_For all the mistakes_   
_All the games and_   
_All the faces_   
_I'm bleeding by myself_   
_But I'm okay_   


* * *

Edward had said he needed time.

Time…

He had said the words but once again he hadn't been thinking clearly when he said them –his mind was in a complete state of arrest from the worry of losing Alphonse…and himself, to this  **thing** -

It also hurt him deeply because he  _knew –_ it hurt so badly to know- _…_ that Alphonse had seen his desperation to hang on to his younger brother…he'd possibly even used it against him…

Probably…

He was leaning his head in his hands at the kitchen table where he sat, mute…the space around him a dull blur of silence and ringing in his ears.

He was only slightly surprised that Alphonse's severe and sudden change in behavior hadn't shocked him to his core…but it was because he wasn't unfamiliar with pain changing people, after all, when something consumed you, you became one with it.

He'd been consumed by many horrible things…he knew the feeling well, the things you were willing to do…

…things you'd never think you were capable of…

It was almost as if he'd known it would happen, he'd expected that Alphonse would get worse…his rational mind had allowed for varying possibilities…

But it had gotten out of control…so fast.

Apparently the bond he thought they shared as brothers was not as strong as he had believed. He'd thought that Alphonse would fight his affliction with more determination…

He expected it wasn't going to be easy for the younger boy, but he hadn't thought…he'd never imagined…

The unbelievable cold he'd felt that night still gave him chills at the memory…of when Alphonse had crawled on top of him with undisguised sexual intent. He'd felt  **what**  his brother pressed boldly against him and he'd slipped deep inside of himself – into his darkest place, a place he hadn't been since he'd been bleeding from his missing limb on a basement floor crying out for his mother to help him-, there had been nowhere to run but inside of himself.

 _'Just pretend like it's not real…this is not Alphonse…'_  he'd thought naively, desperately.

But it was Alphonse, his voice, his smell, his…tears…his  _body_ …

Of course he wouldn't be able to ignore his  **brother**  sitting naked in his lap, it was absurd to think he had the pleasure of such illusion.

No…it had been  **so real** , he felt it…Alphonse had been warm in his lap and it had scared the shit out of him. And he had been desperate to try…just to  **try**  and remove himself from the situation mentally but Alphonse's presence was strong…not just in body but in mind.

…he couldn't have ignored it, especially not when Alphonse had started crying again.

So Edward had given in, he'd given a little…the emotional part of his mind that Alphonse had always dominated folded so easily when those warm tears hit his face and so…he did a vile thing…

He kissed his younger brother like he would do to a partner, deep and slow…

Alphonse had tasted bitter…and a little copperish...

Edward could taste the blood from his raw throat…guilted by the harsh crying he'd caused in the younger, he'd been incited to kiss him with effort…

…it made him feel wretched…

He'd felt his insides twist, hurt and reject what he was doing but he'd been able to take the pain, he was good at taking pain and for Alphonse he would suffer, he would take as much as he could…

But how…how could he have kept it together…after that…

He'd felt himself shut down, cold as death…the only feeling that remained was Alphonse tensing in his lap, jerking his hips once firmly as he moaned breathily into Edward's mouth…and then the warm stickiness could be felt against his skin through his shirt…

…it had broken him…something he could never forget…

Edward had broken down after he'd vomited up anything that had been in his stomach and then some, he'd sat in the bathroom long after throwing up and cried. Just cried.

Edward Elric did not cry easily…but for Alphonse, he cried long and bitterly.

He asked himself how it could be this way, how could Alphonse…how could his little brother…

He couldn't even think it…

He'd thrown that shirt away.

He sighed and stared into his black coffee as he lowered his hands from his cold face, the steam had long since stopped rising and the liquid looked less and less drinkable as he stared at it, he could see a few dust specs floating at the surface.

He'd been trying to eat…and even though he didn't throw anything up, he felt sick for hours after eating even the smallest thing, so it hadn't been easy.

He could feel himself slipping…this  **thing**  eating away at him had worsened.

He'd felt himself start to get sick that morning when he'd woken to go and see Mustang, it had started after Alphonse's vocal masturbation…it had been a steady downhill from there.

Like he'd assumed, Alphonse came on to him…stronger than he could have thought possible…

…and Alphonse had practically orchestrated it.

When he sat now thinking of the hands under his shirt, purposely touching his sensitive areas…he knew very clearly, more than he'd even suspected before…that Alphonse had wanted something to happen.

Something that would change things between them.

Something that would…break him.

And it had, Edward was suffering in ways he couldn't fix…he felt like there was something wrong with him.

Something dark and wrong inside himself…he had questions…that there were no answers for…

_Why did Alphonse develop these feelings?_

_What can I do to stop it?_

_Why don't I stop him when he touches me?_

_What is happening to my mind…why is everything so gray?_

_Why…why…did it have to be like this…?_

…no answers, none that could change the facts.

Alphonse felt the way he felt and it was not going away, Edward had seen that he was powerless to stop it. Once he saw the pain in his eyes, all he wanted to do was ease it…he wondered how real that pain was…and the idea of being manipulated by the brother he'd give his life for would crush him all over again to think about it.

The lines were too smeared…Alphonse was his brother but  **he'd**  kissed his brother…that meant there was something wrong with him…worse because he was not afflicted by incest like his younger brother…he simply did it for peace of mind.

To make Alphonse happy…he was sickened by himself…but not regretful of his actions.

Time would not heal this.

Time…

It had been three days since they had that argument, since he'd slapped his brother in hopes of clearing whatever delusion had him see them as  _lovers_. Even the thought was absurd, how could Alphonse not realize that what he was saying was so disturbing!

How could he not hear the sickness of his words?

It was as though he didn't care…he'd been so calm…Ed realized it…

In the worst way Alphonse had  _rationalized_  and  _convinced_  himself that they could be some sort of…couple?

Edward's stomach lurched every time he thought about the clarity he'd seen in those green eyes, sharp, honest focus, seriousness…he had been completely serious.

Telling Edward that any reasoning as to  **why not**  could be argued against.

He hadn't really comprehended anything his younger brother said…he couldn't get his head around Alphonse threatening to leave him if he didn't  _give in_. How could there be anything more wrong than such an ultimatum…

Both ways, leave to stay…Edward would end up a tortured soul and a broken man.

Both ways he'd lose his brother, if he stayed and turned himself inside out trying to return the incestuous feelings, Al would no longer be his brother, not in anyway other than blood. And if he left…he'd suffer alone, missing a brother he'd spent a lifetime loving and trying to make his mistakes up to.

Torn apart at the soul.

Both ways he'd lose his mind…because Edward knew in the long run, it would rip his mind apart.

In the long run…time…

Time for what?

To figure out if he could make himself do what Alphonse wanted?

To see if he could somehow forget the boy he'd known all his life was his brother and just live with that?

What was wrong with Alphonse? How could he forget their entire lives so easily?

Edward covered his face with hand again as a headache started behind his tired eyes, he listened to the silence of the apartment. Alphonse had left that morning, saying that he needed some time to think and that he'd be at the library.

The past days had been both uncomfortable and empty.

They'd gotten some things done, unpacked all the boxes, removed all the plastic from the furniture and unpacked their personal belongings into their respective rooms.

Alphonse was still not eating properly but then again neither was Edward.

They came and went to and from the apartment individually.

Edward spent most of his time in his room…hiding…while he sat at his desk and started the designs for the embassy building –weeks before he needed to- but he welcomed the distraction.

Alphonse spent the past days milling around quietly, tidying up mostly after himself, making the space they lived in to his liking and giving Edward a stress ulcer that he'd had to buy medication to keep it from eating its way out of his stomach- with halting awkward conversations about domestic things, forthcoming work and university.

Trying to restore some twisted normalcy between them…and failing.

And yet this was originally what Ed had wanted, for Alphonse to love their new home and for them to start new lives…but now it felt wrong because it seemed to be underlined by everything Alphonse had been saying about 'if they were lovers'.

The situation was completely out of control and some angriest part of him deeply regretted not just reacting badly the first night when Alphonse confessed. Maybe if he'd insisted Alphonse see a professional…maybe if he'd told Pinako and she could have conveyed her disgust silently it would have kept Alphonse in line…

But even as he thought these things it made him angry at himself because he  **would never**  allow anyone to look at Alphonse like he was some sort of an abomination…

Because he wasn't.

He was just a boy who'd been out of touch with physical reality for years –which was Edward's fault – and when he'd returned to his body, somehow, his perspective of their physical relationship had been skewed…

This was Edward's most recent rationalization.

"He just doesn't feel the same platonic physical bond as me…" Edward mumbled to himself as he watched the dust float around in his coffee. It was the most rational argument he'd been able to make since Alphonse's confession just a week ago...

He and Alphonse had spent years together searching for the Philosopher's stone, yes, they'd been incredibly close, as close as they had been as children…except Alphonse felt nothing  _real_.

He'd told Edward after being back in his body again for that first year, he'd admitted that he always thought he understood the emotion of pain, anger, fear and happiness when he had been in the armor.

But he'd confessed that since he could actually _feel_  them again, they felt far more intense and nothing like what he'd thought he was feeling. His mind could remember but could not recreate without a brain to properly process.

That body in the Gate had the brain…but none of the pseudo emotions or life force that Alphonse's soul had in the armor.

Two things, serving two different purposes but making a person a  **whole**  human being.

So all the time Alphonse spent with Edward, all the years Edward looked upon him with all the love and adoration he naturally felt as a brother…Alphonse was not experiencing the same thing…and now that his soul and his body had reunited…whatever familial love he'd once felt had been giving room to change into something…ugly.

It was like growing up with someone you don't know is related to you…or at least in a way.

He still didn't know how those first years before the transmutation seemed to be so dulled to Alphonse.

It was like when he looked at Edward he didn't see a brother anymore…and oh, did he look.

Everyday…Edward would find himself held in Alphonse's gaze at some point or other, sometimes it was contemplative, sometimes it was sexual, sometimes it was angry and very rarely, it was sad.

Sad because he wanted what he knew Edward was against.

Against it because it was unnatural.

Even when he had tried –yes he had- to see things from Alphonse's point of view, not a man of god, not a man who cares about social opinion, a scientific mind that should know there would be no repercussions to something like this…

…all he wondered was how Alphonse didn't understand where he was coming from, it would be the same as trying to be with their mother or father, it just wasn't right…

He felt sick again at such a thought and stood up, walking over to the sink and placing the mostly full mug of cold black coffee next to the empty toast crumbed saucer laying there from Alphonse's breakfast attempt.

Edward had seen a full slice of toast in the waste bin…

But he couldn't complain…he hadn't even tried to eat anything that morning.

He walked out of the kitchen and his bare foot patted the tiles loudly in the silence, his automail making a louder noise as he walked into the hall.

He estimated it was probably around 1 p.m, Alphonse would get back soon and they'd have more uncomfortable distance between them until night came and Edward struggled to sleep in  **that**  bed…but that would come later because he had to meet with Mustang at 2.30.

He knew it was too early to leave, he knew it was awful that he'd been anticipating leaving since he woke up that morning, showered and dressed just to sit around…he knew he shouldn't be avoiding his problems…but he just needed the space, the open air…it was hard to breathe in the silent apartment.

He couldn't manage to sleep because he felt like a clock was ticking somewhere, counting him down…his  **time**  was running out.

He saw it every time Alphonse made eye contact with him and there was a look of  _expectation_  in his eyes.

Edward snorted out a bitter laugh, laced with pain as he pressed his hand to his eyes, stopping where he stood in the hall before running his hand up into his bangs, he stared at the floor.

 _'Does he think it's so simple…does he think I'll just be able to flick a switch and…suddenly want to…ugh…'_  he made an upset face at the thought, it just wasn't that simple, he swallowed the lump in his throat.

He'd cried more in the past few days than he had in years, before this he hadn't cried since Alphonse had finally been brought back from the Gate and then the water works hadn't stopped for a good few days…but that had been tears of joy.

This was misery, pure misery.

And it was worse because he couldn't take his mind off it, he thought about it all the time, all day and all night.

He needed to have a moment's peace at least once or twice or else he'd break down.

He finally started moving again, slipping in his bedroom –after pausing at the door- to grab his wallet from inside his bed side drawer before heading back out to the main door.

Edward sighed –his heart was heavy, his chest hadn't ceased to feel tight since…that night- he pulled his black coat out of the closet and over his white shirt and brown formal pants. He heard a noise outside in a hall as he reached for the door handle and he felt the apprehension bloom in uncomfortable tingles all along his spine, he found himself thinking 'please don't let it be Alphonse'.

When the noise passed on down the hall, two voices…it caught up to him what he'd hoped so strongly for and the anxious heat that made his skin prickle passed, his face settled in to a sad self-scolding look.

But even though he didn't want to think things like that…at the moment he really couldn't help it.

With a shaken sigh he schooled his face into the blasé mask he'd mastered years ago and exited the apartment.

* * *

Edward dragged his feet as he walked along the hall that would lead him to Mustang's double doored office, he'd been dragging his feet the entire walk.

He wasn't so sure seeing Mustang was a good idea, it'd been a couple of days but his metaphorical wounds were still extremely raw…and Mustang was always obnoxiously perceptive.

The last he'd been there he'd been able to play it off, he hadn't expected the next time he came to see this man he'd look like he'd been through the ringer…and oh did he.

When Edward looked at himself in the mirror just that morning he'd been able to visibly see the loss of weight in his face, he had sharp facial features which made it more pronounced.

Of course he wasn't so worried about that, Mustang hadn't seen him often enough by this point to have decided he could chalk Edward's appearance up too well in his head and make judgments.

What was obvious was the sickly color of his skin, the dulled hue of his eyes and the slouch of his shoulders.

Edward didn't feel like he had the energy to put up the façade he'd need to play the bastard General into believing all was well…of course if all else failed, he'd just tell him to fuck off because it's not his business anyway.

Not that that ever worked…

He hated how unprepared he was to deal with this, he just wanted to be home, hiding in his room…which was so unlike him it scared him. It'd only been a week…and already he was breaking off at the edges. It felt a lot like when the Truth used to unravel him, the handful of times he'd experienced it, it felt like being picked apart, knowing something, forgetting it and then remembering it within a matter of seconds…

Except this was slow…and the things he wanted to forget were eating away at his insides in the form of an ulcer while the things from happier times that he tried to hang on to seemed like a distant reality.

Worst of all he feared that when he was picked apart this time…he wouldn't be put back together.

"Yo, Ed!" Havoc's smooth, friendly voice was unmistakable even after so many years.

He hadn't been there the last time Edward came to the HQ.

Edward looked up from the faded green tiles of the hall to see the tall blonde coming toward him,

"Havoc, how's it going?" he plastered his lazy, disinterested façade onto his face and stopped walking.

"Eh, can't complain, wouldn't do me any good anyhow…" he winked as he came to a stop near Edward, "…where you headed?"

"The General." He pointed down the hall.

The amused look Havoc gave him annoyed him for all of a second until he glanced around and realized,

"You've passed the Gen's office Ed, like four doors and a lavatory back…" Havoc tipped his head in the direction Edward had come after stating the obvious.

Ed couldn't even muster up a laugh, he just glanced back and sighed,

"Shit…yeah, um…"

"I'm headed there myself."

He followed Havoc after the unspoken request to walk with him and when they entered Edward was eternally grateful to his lucky stars that no one else was in the outer office.

He was not in the mood for fake pleasantries.

He didn't bother to linger, he walked straight up to the inner office doors and knocked, entering after a beat when he heard Mustang call for him to enter.

* * *

Mustang wouldn't stop looking at him, the glances were short but purposeful, observant and often.

Edward was signing his signature over the various lines on the contract papers as he leaned on Mustang's desk across from where the older man sat.

He'd declined the offer to have a seat, some coffee and conversation.

He'd come in, face of disinterest in place and wasted no time, saying he was in a hurry and didn't want to hang around and where were the papers.

Mustang had been doing something that looked like work, but Edward wasn't really sure, when he'd looked up to greet him with a lazy smile, which faltered once he looked Ed over.

For the briefest moment Edward had maintained eye contact and silently warned the man not to press his buttons, but he knew that even though Mustang silently acquiesced with a slight raise in his eyebrows, it was because he truly saw something that needed to be given thought about with regards to Ed's appearance.

Thankfully though, he said nothing about what he'd probably assumed or guessed and Edward was finally done signing after ten long minutes of scanning fine print,

"Here…" he had the papers gathered neatly and handed then across to Roy from where he stood.

Mustang slid his eyes over to Edward from his own boots he'd been looking at every time he wasn't looking at Ed,

"Fullmetal…" he reached out and took the papers,

"I told you not to call me that…" Edward mumbled and slipped his hands into his pockets after dropping Roy's fancy pen on the desk, swallowing in hopes of curing some of the dryness in his throat.

Mustang just quirked an eyebrow and Edward was more than ready to leave,

"…fine, Ed…" he leaned forward, placing the papers down before looking up at Edward, "…are you ill?" he asked flatly.

Edward drew in a silent breath but somehow he knew Mustang noticed it,

"Uh, yeah…I think I'm coming down with something, probably a cold." He said casually.

Mustang stared at him and he stared back, he knew this man well, he was looking for something to give away a hint of lies or non-disclosure and he wasn't going to slip.

"Does Alphonse have a cold too?"

The question was unexpected, Edward felt himself tense and he  _knew_  Mustang saw it,

"A-Alphonse…" he really didn't like the anxiousness that he felt just talking about his brother, he loved Al so much, feeling so much…resentment, felt unnatural, "…why do you ask?" he clenched his fists in his pockets.

_Resentment_

Now he knew what that dark coil of ever present anxiety was…

"Because, when I saw him last week Thursday he also looked ill." Mustang sounded bored, which was the usual.

However Edward was baffled, Thursday he'd been there…had Alphonse been as well?

He'd seen the University documents on the coffee table…that morning after…and the disarray of outdoor clothing all over the bathroom floor too, from that he'd assumed Alphonse must have gone out to the University on Thursday…but HQ?

Even though it wasn't at the forefront of his mind, the image of the blood on the tiles turned his stomach and fettered at his guilt, but he didn't let it show,

"Why was he here?" he asked flatly.

Mustang's eyes narrowed slightly at the avoidance of the question,

"He came about the senior certificate…" he sat back and pulled his drawer open, his eyebrows raising as he reached in and retrieved a sealed envelope with the official military insignia and seal, Alphonse's name was written across the front in professional cursive, "…he'd just missed you actually and he looked about as pale and unwell as you do…a little worse mind you."

 _'Too observant for your own good, bastard…_ ' Ed thought as he took the letter from Mustang's outstretched hand,

"Yeah, well I got the cold from him, he's had it for a while now." He said without thinking, he had the letter for Alphonse and he'd signed his papers, he could leave.

"Oh…how long?"

The question seemed harmless.

"Uh…more than a week or something…" he said the first time line that made sense to him without Mustang asking about seeing a doctor.

"I see…" the older man said, his voice should have given Edward some indication of the fact that he'd just been caught out in a mistruth, but he was too distracted with slipping the letter into his pocket and back stepping,

"I have to get going, thanks again." He walked across the office faster than necessary and shut the door quickly, barely bidding Havoc good bye.

* * *

Edward stood outside, facing the apartment door with his head against the wood.

He gave himself a minute before he pressed the door handle down…and hated himself a moment further for the relief he felt that it was locked. That meant there was a good chance Alphonse wasn't home…

…there was a time when Alphonse being more than three hours late without contact would have worried him…

Something inside of him was different.

Something toward Alphonse was different.

 _'I resent my younger brother…'_  he thought sadly to himself, even though the part of his brain that oozed logic knew he had every right to be resentful for being manipulated by someone who should have loved him enough…or wait…loved him the right way…to not take advantage of him.

But still, he didn't and could never hate Alphonse.

He closed the door behind him after he entered, leaving it unlocked and listening for noise in the apartment, but he heard nothing.

He pulled off his coat and slipped the letter out of his pocket before hanging it up, then he walked into the hall. Everything looked the same, both his and Alphonse's bedroom doors were slightly ajar like they'd been when he left a few hours earlier.

He reached Alphonse's room door and took a deep breath.

He hesitated only a moment before walking into the bedroom…it was neat and the sheets on Alphonse's bed were clean…but still tainted to the older Elric's fragile memory.

Edward tried to ignore his shaking insides.

He glanced around from where he was at the door, avoiding looking at the bed and instead he looked over to Alphonse's desk, it was tidy as well, except for a book open at the edge where the chair was pulled back from the desk and at an angle.

He glanced at the letter in his hand and decided it was best to leave it where Alphonse could easily find it and not have to look for him…because he intended to retreat to his bedroom, which he had a hard time stepping into at first as well.

The entire apartment felt eerie.

He reached the desk with quick steps and leaned over the chair, placing the letter down at the side of the open book. Edward wouldn't have noticed anything about the book itself if it hadn't been for the fact that it had notes scribbled on its pages and at the side margins.

He frowned, Alphonse knew better than to write in a book, he would never misuse literature in such a way but the handwriting was definitely his. With a short sigh – and an oncoming headache- he picked up the thin book to read over the small font on the opened pages...

…Edward frowned and his insides quivered uneasily.

He blinked rapidly at the few lines he'd read that Alphonse had underlined, his breaths were stuck and choked as he closed the book and looked at the back first, seeing a price sticker meaning it was purchased and then dreading it he flipped it over to see the cover.

His breathing was badly shaken, he could hear it loudly in his ears as he dropped the book onto the desk and turned away from the desk slowly, he'd started sweating instantly and he felt a little dizzy so he sat in the chair and leaned an elbow on the desk…on the book…

Gritting his teeth at the flash of anger and hurt he quickly shoved the book away so it knocked over the pencil cup at the edge of the desk…little whirrs filled the room as the pencils and pens rolled over the wood and then clattered to the floor in ticks and tacks, all Edward could hear was his wheezing breaths and he only saw darkness as he held a shaking hand over his face and closed eyes.

The book was about…

Alphonse was reading a book about…sex…anal sex –in all manners and forms of how, what's, where's, do's and don'ts, it was an  _educationa_ l book…not even just a filthy smut book, it was a serious book and Alphonse was reading…and making notes…

His face contorted into depressed anger as he exhaled loudly.

Edward's mind was reeling,  _'…that means he's…he's…he wants us…to…'_

The feeling he had was so much like that night when he'd been trapped beneath his brother on his bed and had been completely powerless despite not being restrained…now he was trapped beneath the raw extent of his situation.

And even though he knew he should run and he should fight and he should beat the living shit out of his brother for this insanity, Edward remained in the chair, shaken and numb.

With reality causing a bone chilling shiver to creep down his spine.

Alphonse was waiting…biding his time…for this…

"I can't…" Edward breathed to no one, eyes clenched shut and face pale, his breath was short and it hurt to breathe the words over and over again but he did, he sat there with his weak, insufficient will to stop what was happening and simply  _loathed_  and  _resented_  deep down in his core…

"Alphonse…" the name he'd once screamed for desperately for help and to save, he now questioned hopelessly.

* * *

Edward had managed to keep his nausea from turning into all out vomiting many a time over the last few days, he had a strong stomach, he'd seen many horrible things and the only thing had had made him throw up before was digging up what he'd believed was his mother's grave…until recently.

By comparison, recent events were far worse.

All the same, he managed to keep the meager things he ate down, it was mostly sandwiches and fruits since Edward didn't like cooking and Alphonse wasn't eating so he wasn't cooking…

The book though…the one on Alphonse's desk…had nearly brought everything up that afternoon.

It still turned his stomach and he pressed his hand lightly to his abdomen where he sat at his desk, his other arm leaning on the desk over part of the large blueprint scale paper he'd been staring at for the past hours.

He had drawn sketches and worked on designs in the past few days, now he was starting with informal blueprints which he'd have to perfect after he'd decided if changes needed to made or anything.

Mustang had given him a not so subtle hint when he'd first gone to see him that the building shouldn't include any spikes, gargoyles or abstract design ideas, it needed to be classic Amestrian architecture…

Edward had relooked over his designs and with some frustration realized he would have to visit a library and pick up some books on Amestrian Architecture because he didn't really have any boring ideas for buildings on his own.

"Fucking tightwad General…" he mumbled at the exact moment he heard the door open in the apartment.

It was almost 6.30 p.m and while he'd been subconsciously worried, it was immediately replaced by anxiousness now that Alphonse had returned.

He almost couldn't believe he felt the way he did…almost.

He sat at his desk –completely rigid- and listened, fingers tensed around a sharp pointed –unused- pencil leaving a dark lead indent in the paper where he held it, his other hand now clutching the shirt where it had rested at his abdomen, his entire body had tensed up in a matter of seconds.

He heard the front door close, the closet door close, footsteps were clearly audible in the eerie silence the apartment seemed to have. He heard the footfalls become muffled and assumed Alphonse had gone into his room.

There was silence for a long while.

Edward had left the pencils scattered and book tossed haphazardly over the desk when he'd walked out of the room earlier, shaking and with a horrible headache…

…which he still had right then even after pain killers, a long shower and strong coffee.

He assumed Alphonse was tidying up the mess he made…he wondered if he'd yell about Edward invading his privacy…it wasn't something either of them had ever done –banned the other from their bedroom –but lately nothing was how it used to be.

He let out a low breath of relief at the silence in the hall prematurely because the footfalls started up loudly again and they were back in the hall quickly…and coming toward his bedroom door steadily.

The sound stopped and a few soft knocks on his closed door made his hair stand on end, Edward rubbed his hand over his forehead and swallowed as he tried to calm the chills.

The past three days had been like this, every time Alphonse talked to him…he got chills and the godamned sweats, the discomfort levels were palpable and with the way Alphonse would frown at him sadly when he awkwardly stepped around him or when he quickly left a room made him feel bad but relieved to have avoided the younger man.

Edward was never scared of any one person, he didn't fear man, he had fought worse than a human and lived…but the fear Alphonse evoked was emotional…and it was far more stifling and disabling than physical fear.

It was controlling.

His answers had been coming out short and strained whenever Alphonse talked to him.

"Ed?" Alphonse's voice even gave him chills.

He thought about staying quiet and just hoping Alphonse thought he was sleeping but the tone of voice he'd just heard sounded…forlorn.

He assumed his behavior had been hurting Alphonse and no matter how bad things got, he didn't want to hurt him, as pathetic at it sounded,

"Uh…yeah…it's o-open…come in…A-Al." he grimaced at the weakness in his voice.

Where he sat was partially behind the door, his back was facing Alphonse who opened the door and let the hall light cast a brighter light across the space, Edward's desk lamp had been the only illumination in the semi dark room.

"You're working?" Al's voice was light and truly curious, Edward didn't hear anything else.

"Uh…yeah." He said through a dry throat and raised his other arm up, so both his elbows were on the desk.

He wasn't going to turn around, instead he grabbed one of his drawing tools and tried to put some lines on the paper to make his excuse for not being disturbed plausible.

The sounds of the pencil dragging over the paper filled the silence and he was very aware of Alphonse standing at the door still.

He was not going to say anything, he hadn't been able to carry on a conversation the last few days, let alone start one. After a minute he heard shuffling and footfalls and realized with a subtle start that Alphonse was standing behind his chair and looking over him.

Edward clenched his teeth, _'he's fucking doing this on purpose…'_  he thought angrily.

Once upon a time Alphonse could have leaned over him and Edward wouldn't have thought a thing about it…but things had changed.

"Will you…work all night?" the question was again, perfectly unobtrusive, still,

"Why?" Edward asked quietly…tensely.

His body was rigid, it hurt to be so tense…and it was as if Alphonse just knew he was on edge.

"Edward…calm down please…?" he asked, he actually asked, his tone held question and hope.

Breathing heavier than he'd realized Edward finally released the pencil and it didn't roll more than a centimeter, he brought his hands up, very slightly shaking and pressed his face into them as he leaned on his desk.

His palms were sweaty.

"I'm trying…" he said but he wasn't really…he was wound too tightly.

There was a sigh from his brother,

"I can…I can give you a shoulder rub…" the suggestion was again…completely unobtrusive.

Edward frowned and remained tense,

"Uh…" he knew he should have just said no, he knew he really should have but the naïve part of him wanted to believe it was just an offer to ease his tension…because fuck, did his shoulders hurt.

"I learned how to give proper massages in Xing…" he explained and Edward waited for hands to touch his shoulders, but nothing happened so he chanced a glance back and was surprised to find Alphonse standing about a foot away.

He blinked a few times, trying to figure out what the fuck was going on when Alphonse spoke again,

"Would you like me to rub your shoulders, Ed?"

He frowned…confusion filling him as he nodded slowly, feeling worried for some reason,

"Y-yeah…that'd be great, thanks A-Al." he couldn't keep his voice straight.

Finally he felt the presence of his brother directly behind him and Alphonse's hands touched his tense shoulders.

After only a minute Edward thought he was going to melt, the specific way in which Alphonse alternated between rubbing his thumbs into the base of Ed's neck, downward along his tense shoulder muscles and then using his palms and fingers to press and roll the knots into ease was impressive.

It was definitely an acquired skill.

"Good isn't it?"

All Ed could manage was a quiet mumbled 'Uh huh' as he swayed slightly with the skilled hands working his shoulders.

"Mei did it for me a few times and then I asked her to show me how…" Alphonse was saying, there was no fondness in his voice as he spoke though, "…it always made me relax." He said quietly.

After a few more minutes Edward could feel his finger tips and toes tingling and the physical tension he'd felt had slipped away into a sleepy feeling, his headache even subsided slightly.

He had closed his eyes at some point and he opened them lazily when the hands on his shoulders became stationary,

"Ed?"

Edward blinked slowly, but now that the massage was done all he registered was warm hands on his shoulders…his younger brother's hands.

The slight physical contact dredged up every bad memory, kissing Alphonse…he remembered the feeling, the eagerness of his brother's lips and tongue and he remembered with a twinge of pain in his chest the way his whole world had collapsed in a blur of pain and shame when Alphonse had…

He still couldn't say it even to himself…but this was why he avoided contact, because of those thoughts…

…now Alphonse's hands, though doing nothing…made him queasy with discomfort.

"Ye-ah?" his hands had ended up flat on the desk at some point during the massage and he scratched his short nails against the paper to fill some noise into the silence and their breathing.

"Ed…can I hug you…?"

The weight of ill dropped into his stomach again and he let out a quiet uneven breath, he swallowed hard and found himself feeling like a fool, he should have known any touch at all would never stop at just something simple…not after the last time.

He wanted to scream…but he also wanted to just curl up into a ball…and cry.

"It's not much…" Alphonse's hands slid off his shoulders, inward…

Edward pursed his lips so hard they turned white as Alphonse's hands slid over his chest, warm even through the white long sleeve shirt he had on, they stopped at his abdomen and formed a loop. He became aware of Alphonse leaning his chin on his shoulder and hair tickling his ear on his left side.

He remained still…and pale.

He could smell Alphonse's cologne, it was an overall pleasant smell which he was familiar with but it was also mixed with a subtle mint smell…he kept his eyes on his hands on the desk and let the smell sooth his frayed nerves and senses.

Alphonse's smell was comforting, Edward and Winry had helped him choose cologne so long ago when he'd first got his body back, he'd wanted something that smelled good to him but to other people too.

He felt oddly calm for a moment, this…hug…wasn't so bad.

"You still wear the same cologne, Al…" he mumbled quietly and blinked a few times, the orange light of the lamp seemed to hurt his pupils now.

He felt Alphonse tense and he supposed Alphonse wasn't expecting any sort of response that wasn't prompted,

"Yeah…yeah I do…you said it smelled good…" he mumbled, still 'hugging' a newly tense Ed.

Edward swallowed and nodded,

"Yeah…it does."

He said these words as he might have on any day but since things had changed their impact was different.

Edward should have known better.

"Edward?"

That questioning tone enveloping his name made his nervous…and with good reason, it seemed to be a precursor to a more ominous question…Edward braced himself as his stomach began to turn, his calm slipping away…

"Yeah…?" he barely managed to mumble it.

"Can I…" Edward closed his eyes, "…can I just kiss your neck…I promise I won't do any more than that."

The words were spoken very quietly and slowly.

Edward breathed quietly and didn't answer, he remained still in the embrace with Alphonse's cheek next to his and his hair tickling his ear and he kept silent.

"Please?" Alphonse said again quietly.

 _'What the fuck is this?'_  Edward was freaking out in his mind, he didn't know why Alphonse was doing this?

Somehow, being  _asked_  for permission and needing to give an answer was  _worse_  than Alphonse just doing it.

Because he was giving Edward a choice?!

His eyes shot open and he inhaled sharply,

 _'No…'_  he thought,  _'…not a choice…he's…'_  Edward felt that familiar hollowness in his stomach,  _'…he's conditioning me…trying to make me…comfortable...by exploiting my need to make him happy…and attempting to make me happy with his non-forceful actions…'_

Alphonse had been at the library…

This was almost textbook behavioral conditioning, you want someone unwilling to do something for you…do something for them and begin a pattern.

It wasn't equivalent exchange, it didn't have anything to do with science and balance, it was an emotional thing.

The sort of thing you use on a child who misbehaves, or a patient who won't take their medication…or a dog, who won't roll over…

It was obvious to him that Alphonse didn't seem to have any qualms about getting under his skin, about using his emotions, it became extremely clear when he'd been…violated after being manipulated with tears.

Alphonse sighed after the long drawn out silence in which Edward hadn't answered and he finally removed his arms and stood up, Edward was numb right then…trying to get passed the hurt of realizing Alphonse would use any method to obtain what he wanted.

If Edward were a stupid man…he probably wouldn't have noticed so quickly.

Still, it made no difference to the situation…because he was still too emotionally weak to leave or push Alphonse away.

"It's almost seven Ed, I made a reservation for us for dinner at eight…" Alphonse said as he walked back to the door and switched the bedroom light on.

Edward frowned and turned around now,

"Dinner?" he said quietly then his eyes settled on Alphonse and he raised his eyebrows.

Alphonse was decked out in what was probably his most expensive pinstripe suit pants, a crisp white dress shirt underneath a matching pinstripe waistcoat with a black and white tie, all pressed and perfectly neat. His hair was properly styled in a way it hadn't been since Edward last saw him off at the train station when he was leaving for Xing and despite being pale and little tired looking, he looked…good.

"Yeah, I…I wanted to say thank you for all of this." He gestured vaguely around, "You've done so much, dealing with my…uh….and…giving us our own home…putting me into University." he smiled sadly and Edward felt his chest warm just a bit and he wanted to see a happier smile on that face...

He knew he shouldn't think that way…

"You know Al, I…just want to see you happy." He mumbled.

And he knew he shouldn't say things like that…

Alphonse smiled a little more, like he used to, face lighting up and Edward warmed a bit more inside,

"So, can I take you to dinner? I still have money from my wages when I worked in Risembool, I'm sure I can afford your company for the evening." He bowed slightly.

Edward smiled too, it felt like it'd been forever,

"I'm an expensive date you know." He joked.

Even though he knew he shouldn't have.

Alphonse raised an eyebrow and laughed good-naturedly,

"I can believe that." He said with a smile.

Edward stood up from the chair, he still felt a little shaky but the smallest smile from his brother seemed to ease his own pain –if just superficially-,

"I'll just get dressed, I need to find something suitable to wear…" he said pointedly looking over Alphonse's clothes.

Alphonse slipped his hands into his pockets,

"Yeah it's a nice place, I saw it advertised in the paper on Saturday morning…apparently they have the best steak in North Central…" He smiled again, "…that's your favorite." He said surely.

Edward was still smiling slightly as he opened his wardrobe and looked through his formal clothes, he didn't have much of that sort of clothing,

"Yeah…" he nodded as he pulled out a hanger with black pants, "…and…"

"…with crumbed mushrooms…" they said in unison and Edward stopped and looked at Alphonse.

The younger man nodded surely,

"I remember…"

Edward reached back in for a matching waistcoat, feeling a little shaken with emotion and then he turned to look through his few ties hanging on the small tie rack of the door.

He heard Alphonse's formal shoes tap against the tile and he glanced at him to see him outside the door,

"I'll wait in the lounge while you dress." And he closed the door.

Smooth.

Alphonse was smooth.

Edward had always thought his brother would be a ladies man, he'd always known how to sweet talk people and girls were likely to gush and fall all over themselves if they could see those green eyes…yes, he'd always thought '… _once Al has his body back, he'll get all the girls and I'll have to try and keep up.'_

He still knew that could be true…except now his brother had eyes for him.

Those bright sea green eyes…

And Alphonse seemed to trying to…charm him. It was weird…

…he hoped it wasn't working. He hated being so emotionally weak.

With a sighed Edward finally had everything he needed and he placed it on his bed…for a moment he stared at the clothes and then he proceeded to dress himself…to look good for Alphonse.

Even though he knew he shouldn't.

* * *

He knew it was weak and wrong to be so pliant. But he was tired and Alphonse was smiling.

And he knew that he was still raw on the inside and that he might not even be able to eat a full dinner because of it. But what he saw in his brother right then made him feel agreeable.

Alphonse looked well, he was obviously getting better…if not from the incestuous affliction, then from the stress and illness that the shame and guilt had caused him, now that he'd come to terms with it.

And while Edward had all the right in the world to be difficult, disgusted and angry…it didn't change his actions towards Alphonse.

He walked into the lounge once he'd completed dressing, he wore full black from head to toe, his waistcoat had a shiny texture and he wore it over a matte black dress shirt, also he wore an equally matte black necktie.

He'd combed his long hair out and tied it up, taking a little more care in its neatness.

All for Alphonse.

"I'm ready." He said with a slight raise of his arms where he stood near the hall.

Alphonse was sitting and reading a book, but he closed it and smiled brightly at Edward,

"Ed you look…ah…" he stopped himself from blurting out whatever he'd been about to say and he schooled his gaze to stay on Ed's face, "…I've never seen you dressed like that…" he finished lamely with a hand gesture in Ed's direction as he stood up.

Many words crossed Ed's mind of what Alphonse could have wanted to say but he'd obviously reined it in and avoided an awkward moment, Edward slipped his hands into his pockets,

"Well, since you look so good, I thought I should too." He complimented harmlessly.

Even though he knew he shouldn't have.

Alphonse blushed, it was faint but Edward saw it and he swallowed, expecting Alphonse to be weird about the compliment but he didn't do anything strange, he just nodded after a moment,

"Well, let's go…I'm actually looking forward to eating something that isn't toast." He walked over to Edward and they turned to the door together.

As they pulled on their coats and slipped into their shoes, Ed did up a few of his buttons and gave into the need to say,

"Thanks, Al."

"For what, Ed?" he heard the question asked quietly but only looked up after he'd finished with his buttons,

"For…for…not…pushing me." He mumbled, his voice quiet and nervous.

Alphonse stared at him and Edward felt so relieved that he looked at least mostly happy, and mostly well and handsome, like he should look.

"I should be thanking you…for not leaving me…" the words sounded scared and sincere, his eyes not meeting Ed's directly for a moment.

Edward felt his insides get slightly sore, Alphonse truly did sound scared at the thought of separating much like himself.

"And I should thank you for not…rejecting me." He added.

Edward's insides got really sore at those words…the implication…

"…I don't want to push you into anything like I did that night. It was wrong…and I know that…so I'll give you time like you asked…and we'll work it out." He was saying quietly, he was fiddling with the scarf ends hanging at his mid-section from around his neck.

…the reality.

Time and expectations.

By Edward saying he wanted time he'd…agreed…he hadn't wanted to acknowledge it but there was no way out now besides running away or pushing Alphonse away.

Without severing their original brotherhood.

Alphonse sighed and smiled slightly,

"I love you Edward."

The older man blinked a few times as his fate sunk in heavily and painfully, it made him dread the dinner food he'd have to fight to keep down,

"Love you too, Al."

 _'One day at a time…'_  he thought while feeling lost and alone…and scared.

The clock on the wall in the kitchen ticked loudly as Alphonse wrapped the scarf around his neck properly and Edward pulled his white gloves on.

"Can I kiss you Ed, just on the lips?" a quiet question.

It was snowing outside and very cold, Edward's leg stump hurt very badly.

And even though he knew he shouldn't…he felt  **obligated.**

"…yeah, sure Al." an answer spoken in a hoarse mumble.

The apartment was extremely silent as the clock ticked loudly and Alphonse stepped close, he leaned in shyly, blinked curiously and then closed the gap and his eyes, smoothly…and Edward didn't move an inch.

Warm lips of his younger brother pressed to his in a way that shouldn't have been familiar but was…and he belatedly puckered his lips to respond just the _slightest_  bit.

It was after four ticks of the clock that Alphonse pulled back and his face lit up with a smile that pulled at Edward's heart strings…

…but did nothing about his nausea.

The wind howled beyond the large lounge window as Alphonse opened the door and stepped out.

It took Edward a few seconds…but after swallowing down the worst of his nausea, he stepped out…

…to follow Alphonse.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments. Especially those who give feedback on the story content, your opinions are helpful.
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own (very relevant to this story) They belong to Seether

 

  
_I wanna be there when you call_   
_I wanna catch you when you fall_

  
_I wanna be there when you cry_   
_And when you're down I'll help you fly_

  
_I wanna be the one you need_   
_I wanna be the one you breathe_

_Today's the day we'll fade away_

_Today's the day we'll find our way grown_

  
_But I'm coming back,_   
_and I'm taking back everything I can_   
_It's breaking me up and tearing me up_   
_It's all I have_

* * *

Alphonse had drawn a few conclusions and come to a few realizations.

In the three days passed of being avoided by Edward as though touching him was offensive, he'd realized that the manner in which he was going about things…would leave his relationship with Edward irreparable.

He wanted to have a closer –intimate- relationship with Edward, he wanted them to be a couple…though it still sounded ridiculous to even himself, it was what he hoped to accomplish.

But he also didn't want Edward to hate him…and even though Edward said he couldn't hate Alphonse, he was starting to doubt those words.

Edward's gaze held contempt he didn't even think the older man was aware of…and it was because of everything that had happened, everything Alphonse had been doing.

Alphonse was not a stupid man, he knew that the overall situation was completely deplorable to Edward, he knew that Ed had no inclination to be with him in any way other than as a brother…but there were cracks, weak points in Edward's resolve and he was certain with the correct application of the correct strategy, he could get Edward to…at least try.

Well, he wanted more than that but for the initial course- if he intended to salvage any good feelings Edward had for him- he'd have to take ten steps back and that meant nothing like what he'd done  **that**  night, could be repeated.

The one thing he'd realized he'd overlooked, something that was vital and was missing from everything he'd been doing up until that argument in the lounge…was  **consent**.

Edward had not consented to any sexual advances Alphonse had made…and rightfully so.

But that made Alphonse sick to think about because what he'd done was practically molestation…ever since Edward had admitted how it made him feel, it was not sitting well with him either.

Consent was extremely important…or else in the end it would be as though he were conspiring to rape his brother.

He shuddered horribly at such a thought and knew very well it would  **never**  happen that way.

No matter how easily Edward seemed to fold to his tears and unhappiness, no matter how easily he could manipulate Ed with threats of abandonment and misery, no matter what, when the time came that Alphonse decided to pursue sex with Edward, it would be by the older man's consent.

Of course that also meant it probably would never happen.

And that left Alphonse feeling incredibly…heart sore.

At first when he'd seriously been thinking over the possibilities of Edward agreeing to a physically intimate relationship with him, he'd been in a book store on a Saturday morning in the adult sexual health and education section. Although –admittedly- he'd been thinking about it since the moment Edward had come back home to Risembool and taken his confession with a pinch of salt.

But at the time, he had been mortified by his considerations of having sex with his brother.

Now however…and since they'd moved into the apartment…and were completely alone…he was excited at the idea.

He'd realized as he ran his finger along the spines of the books on the shelves looking for something relevant, that he sounded like a down right pervert even to himself.

It'd made him pause. He'd stopped where he stood in the book store and frowned at the renewed nausea curling up unpleasantly around his meager breakfast of that day. He'd stopped and asked himself,

' _…is this all about sex? Do I just want to sleep with Edward?_ '

It had been a valid question and he'd found it wouldn't stop bothering him, even after his momentary internal questioning had passed and he'd found a suitable book to clarify things he knew in general but not in detail about sex between men.

It had followed him to the counter where he purchased the book and didn't bother to smile at the man behind the counter who kept glancing between him and the book as he rung it up.

It followed him into the grocer where he bought some fresh bread and milk…it was like their staple diet these days.

It followed him home…into the apartment, where Edward had been hiding in his room for most of the hours of every passed day and even right then when he'd returned.

In fact, the question kept him up…not that he'd been sleeping well considering how much he worried about Edward hating him, but the one or two hours he usually managed evaded him.

It was when he was at his desk Sunday morning sipping hot tea and feeling lonely because Edward hadn't emerged from his room at all except for a bathroom break at about two in the morning, he'd started to page through the book…and came across some of the illustrations –all drawn with basic educational purpose and anatomically correct bodies- that he'd frowned…and thought again about what he really wanted from his brother…in the near future…

Yes, he wanted very badly to have a sexual relationship with Edward.

But was that all there was to it?

Looking at the drawings of sexual prospects- that if things went well, he might be privy to firsthand in the near future, Alphonse found himself a little worried…

Anal sex was complicated. For one thing…there were specifics on exactly how to go about it. There were methods, products and even references to cautions and things that could go wrong if both people partaking weren't properly educated.

Then there were more positive paragraphs, talking about how great a sex life a gay couple could have if they knew exactly how to please one another.

It wasn't like when he'd slept with Mei, it'd been a case of some heavy petting, nudity, a single condom, get in, vigorous movements, he could feel, she would feel and then get out.

And he'd  _enjoyed_  it…he figured that if he hadn't realized just a few days after that night with Mei that the idea of his brother doing  **that**  with anyone hurt him in a way it shouldn't have, he'd have probably taken up sex with Mei on a regular basis.

Although recently he no longer thought back on the memory fondly…

But he liked sex…he just hadn't had very much of it at all, which was regrettable really, especially now that the person he wanted was against…even just the idea of kissing him, let alone sleeping with him.

But Edward  **had**  kissed him. It was a silver lining…a small thing really, but he held onto it.

He'd fantasized vividly about sleeping with Edward, among other things…and the book now offered him a much clearer idea of what he was getting into. And it made him really nervous…he wondered if it really was so technical…

He wondered if Edward knew anything about the subject…

That thought made him sigh heavily even presently, because it brought up all the thoughts about Edward's previous sexual encounters with women…Winry would have no doubt been added to whatever list his brother had in short work, she'd been waiting for him for years apparently…and knowing her she would have let herself get knocked up just to keep Ed in Risembool.

The jealousy accompanying those thoughts aggravated him but also helped him understand himself…

He loved Edward, he was in love with Edward and he wanted to be with Edward.

That in turn reminded him that Edward loved him and even though it was not in the way he wanted, Edward had chosen to be with him…

Because he and Edward already had a relationship.

An unbreakable relationship that  **no one**  could interfere with…and the only thing missing since his incestuous revelation…was physical intimacy between them.

No, it wasn't just about sex…he had everything else already, he and Edward shared everything even more so than regular couples, everything except sex.

And maybe…no…truthfully, he wasn't really thinking so differently from what he'd assumed Winry might do to keep his brother. He was thinking along similar lines…he hoped that once Edward realized they could be intimate and that there was no consequence to it that they couldn't control…that he'd choose to stay…choose to be with Alphonse.

It was all deceitful and very heinous, but such was life.

He'd been dealt a blow he had only just started to recover from…realizing he had such feelings for his own flesh and blood, life had seen fit to shovel shit onto his plate for a long time.

He couldn't just let it bury him.

Even if he wasn't strong enough to fight his affliction, he certainly wasn't weak enough to just except misery.

But now that he'd found resolution…he realized he'd done it at Edward's expense and hearing Edward cry had cut into him like a fucking knife.

That sound…left him empty.

He assumed Edward felt the same way when he cried.

It was hard to do the best you could when you couldn't do the 'right' thing.

He loved Edward and he knew they could be everything the other needed, emotionally they had already been for all their lives…somethings may be harder to achieve between them but Alphonse didn't think it was impossible.

His body had existed separately from his soul for five years…but he was alive and well.

He'd seen homunculi that regenerated their bodies from fatal wounds and mutilation.

He'd seen the sky open up and the Truth look upon them like ants while and a man threatened to become God.

Nothing was impossible.

But he knew that if this was going to work, if he was going to get Edward to  **try**  and be with him…he'd need to consult some expertise in the form of books.

Which was why he'd spent an entire Monday in the public library.

The information in itself was useful but it had to be applied differently to each unique situation and in his case, the unique situation was that Edward was not stupid and would catch on quickly to what was happening.

It could play out either way, Edward could once again point out that he knew what Alphonse was doing and they'd argue and both of them would spend the night crying or Edward would know what Alphonse was doing and ignore it because he would not think himself so weak as to fall for it.

Both ways seemed negative and yet they weren't.

Because Edward's emotions would come into play and like with everything they did in life to please one another, eventually he hoped Edward would see it for what it **really**  would be.

Not some psychological mind-fuck…but an outline for a compromise between them.

Give a little…get a little.

At this point consent and comfort needed to be his main objectives.

If Edward was ever going to start consenting…it would only be because he was getting more comfortable sharing non-platonic sorts of things with Alphonse.

* * *

Which brought Alphonse to his present moment, walking along the sidewalk of mostly empty North Central streets on a cold night alongside his older brother…who looked so incredibly handsome it was an internal battle not to blurt out the sleaziest compliment over Edward's sexiness…he just had to hold himself together.

Saying things like that made Edward uncomfortable and that was a no go.

From the moment he'd left the library and made the reservation for the pseudo date, he'd told himself vehemently that he would  **not**  make Edward uncomfortable.

He would keep his hands to himself as well as his tears and awkward compliments.

Unless he was permitted to touch, to speak honestly about his feelings or free to compliment within reason.

It really wasn't so different from dating a girl he supposed, not that he'd been on dates but he remembered that with Mei, he hadn't initiated physical contact with her until she had done so first with him and from there…things had progressed smoothly.

Of course this was in no way the same thing.

But the guidelines were similar.

He'd invaded Edward's personal space on a number of occasions purely because he'd felt automatically permitted…due to their relation as brothers. Doing that had caused a rift; Edward was tense around him all the time anticipating and dreading contact.

So Alphonse – as he had already been subconsciously doing for a while without realizing it- had removed the relation from the equation. Edward was no longer –brother-.

He wouldn't call him that at all anymore…since he'd said it that night he'd felt like the word just tasted wrong in his mouth anyway.

It seemed like an excuse but he felt that if he took away as much as he could from the idea of 'brother' for Edward, then maybe it'd be easier for the older blonde to separate Alphonse from the relation.

That was a theory in progress though, he had only been thinking about it…it wasn't actually something he thought would work.

Even for himself…as despicable as it was to admit…he didn't want to lose Edward as a brother, he wanted to be with his  _brother_  and it would so much more intense and meaningful because of the bond they shared.

Alphonse was sick and he knew it, but he was not going to end up in an asylum somewhere in a few years because he couldn't handle the mental stress of living in constant denial. Best he get on with life.

He glanced up at the sky over Central and saw that the stars were missing…the light pollution really did a good job of smothering them. It was probably the only thing about Risembool he'd miss…and Edward would too.

"I'm gonna miss the stars…the sky is always lit up out there…" Alphonse said honestly as he huddled into his coat and silently cursed the snow fall for ruining his hair.

He glanced at Edward to see his golden eyes –still dull- turned up to the sky and he had a small smile on his face as he too hunched his shoulders up and kept his chin in the upturned collar of his coat,

"Yeah…" was all he managed.

But Alphonse wasn't discouraged.

His lips were still tingling from the consented kiss he'd received 15 minutes ago, Edward might have turned a little pale and looked put off about it but he'd said yes  _and_ he'd even kissed back.

He was actually pleased with how his return home had gone in general, even finding his book tossed with its pages bent on his desk and his pencils and pens scattered on the floor hadn't really been a bad thing now that he thought about it.

At first trepidation had filled him, he felt like everything he was trying to achieve had probably been rendered completely useless by Edward seeing that book and knowing its purpose.

He'd felt the positive energy leave him completely as he picked up his stationary and placed his book neatly back where it was, just closed instead.

Then he'd seen the military envelope and he'd picked it up and opened it, feeling a little happier at seeing his certificate but only for that moment.

Never the less he'd changed clothes and used his bedroom mirror to comb through his hair and get it looking soft and styled before he walked down the hall to tell Edward about dinner.

He'd been further discouraged by the tone of Ed's voice, one minute it was meek and withdrawn, the next it was tense and cautioning but seeing the tension in his older brother's shoulders had given him an opening to show Ed that he wouldn't touch without permission and that he wasn't trying to force himself on him.

He hated that phrasing but he knew it was probably just how Ed saw his every movement.

When Edward had –with some confusion- accepted the massage, Alphonse was met with his first challenge.

Edward smelled good, his tense muscles were firm but becoming lax under his hands, Edward was breathing deeply and obviously enjoying the massage and it'd been really hard not to just lean down and kiss the back of his neck.

Edward's skin was winter fair and his neck looked so inviting.

But he'd managed to restrain himself and instead asked for a  _hug_ , he knew the word 'hold' held more undertones especially after last time, so he chose his words carefully.

Except it hadn't been quite so easy to resist and he scolded himself seconds later once he'd already found himself holding Ed and leaning over him when he hadn't been given consent.

But he managed not to do anything else and was genuinely shocked when Edward mentioned his cologne.

It pleased him with fine shivers and goose bumps that Edward liked the way he smelled and actually relaxed into the embrace.

So he'd asked if he could kiss Edward's neck…because he really wanted to.

That hadn't gone well and the tension he'd just massaged out of his brother's shoulders returned full force.

Alphonse decided then it was best to start with the basics…which was lip to lip kisses first.

Deciding that he'd stood up –grudgingly letting go- and mentioned dinner.

Edward's over all response had been good, he'd smiled, they'd joked –but he was sure Edward knew that such a joke was peppered with their reality- and finally he'd respectfully left Edward to dress.

It all seemed to pay off because they were approaching the restaurant and the tension between them was down to a minimum and Alphonse just hoped it was the start of the process of acceptance in Edward…because once they were passed that, then they could both start to heal emotionally.

Alphonse was not without his pain, he was still nauseas often and didn't trust eating most of the time, he had wondered if the meal was a good idea for them at first since he'd noticed Edward wasn't eating properly either.

But he figured if they could mutually share a good meal it would mend one of those burned bridges, make them both feel better and cut away at some more of the tension.

It was a good place to start.

* * *

They were seated next to an elaborately patterned wall at a table set for two, the place was upmarket, pale gold and royal blue seemed to be the main colors. It was well lit and relatively busy…mostly with people on dates but there were also one or two groups seated around some tables, probably friends...couples having group dates.

He wondered if the atmosphere bothered Edward.

Their coats had been taken at the door and the restaurant was warm, he glanced at Edward as they sat down opposite each other, he watched those golden eyes take in their surroundings and his pale mouth set in a straight line, obviously irritated.

Alphonse knew what he was thinking and didn't want that to be the way they started dinner,

"Ed, I made the reservation under our full names…Elric. These people will not mistake us for a…" he lowered his eyes and voice, "…for a couple…that was not my intention." He admitted honestly.

Doing something like that would be stupid anyway since the last name Elric was relatively well known, when he'd made the reservation the woman on the phone had actually asked if he was  **the**  Edward Elric and he'd corrected her, saying that he was the younger brother, which didn't stop her from making useless conversation about how she knew all about the Elric brothers.

Brothers.

It was pointless to try and separate that word from their relationship…Alphonse would have to give up on that idea.

He watched as Edward raised his eyebrows at the honest admission before he nodded but didn't say anything.

It didn't feel like it was going well and Alphonse felt the sorrow he'd had all weekend settle around him again.

They sat in silence until a waitress came and handed them menu's, she took their drinks order and Alphonse was a little surprised that Edward ordered a glass of a red wine of a rather specific brand.

He hadn't known Edward drank alcohol.

Alphonse had drank a lot of Xingese alcohols in the Mei's village and at the Palace but had never yet had the opportunity to order alcohol in a restaurant…life was full of new experiences.

So he ordered what Edward had and ignored the half glare Edward gave him, he knew that it was because he had ordered alcohol, but Edward wasn't about to be hypocritical…he didn't do more than weakly glare.

"Don't worry, I won't have more than one glass…" he mumbled as he scanned the menu, the prices were high but he'd expected as much and came prepared.

"Do you even drink?" Edward's question sounded distracted, when Alphonse glanced up he saw he was looking through his menu as well,

"I did, occasionally in Xing, they aren't very strict about age when it comes to alcohol there…" he said honestly, Mei was younger than him and she drank whenever they ate dinner meals.

"Fucking Ling…" Edward muttered and turned a page of the elongated menu.

Alphonse smiled, Ling had often asked about Edward,

"I think it's been that way for a while Ed, you shouldn't just blame him…" he eased into the conversation.

It always felt good to just talk.

"Come on Al," he said in his indoor –fancy place so don't be impolite- voice and looked up from the menu as he leaned back in his chair, "…he runs the country, he can change things like that." He closed the menu.

Alphonse smiled slightly,

"It's not so simple, stopping something after years of practice wouldn't be easy, it'd be like trying to change the legal drinking age here in Amestris…" he closed his menu as well once he'd chosen his dish.

He sat back and watched as Edward habitually ran his hand over his pony tail while he leaned back with one leg lightly crossed over the other,

"Yeah…but there should at least  **be**  an age limit…" he grouched.

Alphonse found it amusing, he'd been at the legal drinking age when he left for Xing yet Edward somehow still disapproved of him drinking,

"The Xingese have a rich culture and they're indulgent in everything they do…but never mind that, I didn't know that  **you**  drank alcohol." He changed the subject smoothly.

Talking about Xing might lead to talking about Mei and he didn't want that.

Edward was lightly drumming his fingers on the table with one hand while he fiddled with his tie using the other,

"I used to have wine at dinner in Creta sometimes, the hotel waiters often suggested whatever the house wine was for the night because it increases appetite…" he answered evenly.

Alphonse had heard that somewhere before but the specific memory escaped him right then,

"Well then it makes sense that we both have a glass…"

 _'…because neither of us are hungry…'_  he sighed quietly, the complete lack of enthusiasm in his older brother told him that Ed felt the same way about the fancy meals in the menu…indifferent.

A first for the Elric's.

The waitress came back with their wine after a few minutes and she left with their dinner orders, the silence that had been at their table before stretched on. Edward had been like this for the last few days, it annoyed Alphonse that he wouldn't even make an effort to hold conversation. But it also reminded Alphonse that he had a lot to make right between them.

"You went to see Mustang today, right?" Alphonse leaned his elbows on the table and gave his older brother his full attention, he made eye contact with Ed like he always used to before he'd been ashamed to do so recently.

Edward had been staring at pattern on the table cloth and he looked up at the question, he nodded,

"Yeah…uh, hey I didn't know you went to Central HQ on Thursday…"

A flashback of that day passed through Alphonse's mind as he watched Edward start to drum his fingers on the table again, everything after the cab ride was a little fuzzy but he did remember speaking to Mustang,

"Oh yeah…I was only there for five minutes or so because Mustang said you'd already discussed the senior certificate, so I…just went home."

The atmosphere around Edward seemed to become tense and Alphonse knew that he was thinking about  **that**  night, he tried to think of something he could say to steer the conversation away from that when Edward reached for his half-filled wine glass and took a sip from it,

"How's your back?" he mumbled as he removed the glass from his lips and absently licked them.

Alphonse closed his eyes and opened them with his focus on his own glass instead of Ed's reddish stained lips,

"It hurts but its fine." He admitted, thinking of how Edward dressed the wound for him once a day stiffly and without a word of conversation.

"That's the first injury you've had since you got your body back…" Edward's voice was quiet and Alphonse kept his eyes off Ed's face and watched him tap his fingers along the stem and over the rounded bottom of the glass idly,

"Yeah, besides Winry pinching me sometimes and that time I cut myself when I was chopping vegetables for dinner…" he decided to taste the wine and once he'd sipped it he shifted his tongue around in his mouth, disliking the dry texture the wine left behind.

"Be grateful she never used that fucking wrench on you, I'd have taken a million pinches over that any day…" he sounded like he was smiling and when Alphonse glanced at him, he found himself smiling too.

The tense lines of Ed's shoulders had lessened and even his expression seemed calmer.

He knew it couldn't be the wine already so he supposed his idea to make things right between them was working at least slightly, Edward could have said he didn't want to go out for dinner, cancelling a reservation was hardly the end of the world, but even with everything that was going on between them, he still came.

Alphonse loved him for it, more than Edward could understand.

The devotion Edward had for him only did to make him want the older man more, he wanted to feel the full extent of Edward's ability to love someone, he didn't want just bits and pieces that a brother got while a lover got that and so much more.

"You know…" he didn't know if he should bring it up, but he wanted to see Ed's reaction, "…if you had stayed in Risembool and married her, you may have died of a concussion or a skull fracture in a few years' time." He raised his eyebrow just slightly and drank more of the dry unpleasant wine.

To his surprise Edward laughed quietly and was nodding,

"I'd thought about that…guess you saved me a lot of pain, huh, Al." it wasn't a question.

And the words made Alphonse's head spin and his stomach lurch, he still didn't understand how Edward could joke about something that so obviously upset him.

He blinked a few times and stared down into his wine,

"That's not true…I've hurt you…I've hurt you a lot." He said very quietly.

He felt Edward's gaze on him and when he looked up his older brother was staring at him calmly and sat very still, face relaxed and posture too, after a moment he blinked and brought his glass to his lips, finishing off the contents before placing it near the end of the table.

He sighed long and quiet while staring at the empty glass,

"You have hurt me, Alphonse."

The words were calm and soft…and true.

Alphonse squeezed his eyes shut as he leaned over his wine glass between his arms, suddenly there were too many people in the restaurant and the sounds of cutlery, chatter and smell of mixed foods peoples perfumes did not sit well with his rising nausea.

Before he could say anything Edward spoke again,

"But I've hurt you too…"

He didn't look up or open his eyes, seeing whatever look Edward was giving him right then might make him feel worse and he wasn't going to cry and fuck this up.

"It's my fault…" he mumbled.

"You sound like me now…after we did the transmutation…" Edward's voice was distant and sad.

Alphonse frowned,

"That wasn't your fault, it was-…"

"Our fault…" Edward finished for him, "…and this is too. I am to blame for this as well, it's not just you."

He didn't understand what Edward meant by that, as far as he knew having incestuous feelings wasn't really something anyone could  **make**  happen to a person.

If he thought hard enough about it, since he knew Ed so well, he knew he could probably understand what he meant or how he'd drawn that conclusion.

Before they could talk anymore their food arrived.

Edward ordered another glass of wine and Alphonse let the waitress take his and he ordered a sparkling cider.

They ate in silence and very slowly, Edward chewed his food as if it was an annoyance, Alphonse watched him swallow each bite with a grimace. He wasn't faring much better but he managed to eat with some consistency.

Neither of them finished their meals but Alphonse had eaten most of his, Edward had managed just more than half of his large steak and had barely touched his mushrooms, sauce or sour creamed jacket potato.

This was his favorite and he'd eaten like he couldn't stand it.

Alphonse was going to suggest dessert but Edward didn't even open the dessert menu and just ordered another glass of wine when the table was cleared. Following his lead, Alphonse ordered another cider and chose not to have dessert.

Alphonse watched Ed, whatever he was thinking about played some vague emotions over his face as they finished their final drinks, he wished he knew what the older man was thinking, it would make things easier…but probably more painful.

When they were done he called for the bill, Edward had made an offer to cover the bill and Alphonse dismissed the suggestion with a shake of his head.

They left the restaurant much the way they'd arrived, tense and huddled in their coats.

* * *

"Your leg is hurting bad huh, this was a bad idea…I shouldn't have asked you to come out in the cold." He was saying into his scarf audibly to Edward walking along the empty sidewalk next to him, a subtle limp in his gait.

Edward sniffed, his nose was red just like Alphonse's,

"Nothing a hot bath won't make better…" his words left small puffs of white in the air, he sniffed again.

His face was white under the street lights but his nose and cheeks were a faint red, his eyes were half lidded, he looked tired and he kept licking his lips.

Alphonse only became aware he was staring when Edward turned his head to look at him, he blinked, raised his eyebrows barely and turned to look away.

It was awkward all over again.

But it got worse.

"I saw that book on your desk…" Edward's voice was quiet and uncertain.

Alphonse didn't dare look at him right then since his face turned a noticeable shade of red,

"Oh…I-I noticed…it was…uh…"

"Have you ever had sex, Alphonse?" the question was just as quiet but in the empty, snowy streets it seemed too loud to Alphonse.

He was very surprised and nervous that Edward was choosing to talk about it at all, let alone in the open.

He swallowed and frowned slightly, wiggling his jaw out of the scarf,

"Yes I have." He mumbled.

Edward didn't seem to have anything to say to that and it was quiet around them except for the crunching of snow under their shoes and the occasional car going by.

It was an odd random question and Alphonse thought he knew why Ed was asking, he figured now was as good a time as any to be honest,

"Just with Mei…" he mumbled again and glanced at Edward, "…but if you think…if you're considering that maybe I'm…maybe I want this because I'm inexperienced…and don't know what I'm…getting into or something…" he inhaled the cold air around him and nodded to himself, "…I'm sure and I'm serious about it."

He heard Edward sniff again a few crunching steps later,

"Would you…would you want to have sex with mom or dad, Alphonse…?" his voice was withdrawn now.

Alphonse expected to see distress etched into Ed's features when he glanced over and he was right, Edward looked like he was breathing pain, he knew Ed was trying to get him to see how wrong this was but he already knew it was wrong…he wasn't deluded.

And he told Edward so confidently,

"I see your point, I've thought about it too…and no, I couldn't imagine it. But…it doesn't change anything…I-…" he stopped when Edward's hand took a hold of his upper arm.

The grip was firm and slightly uncomfortable but Alphonse just glanced at the gloved hand and then to his brother's pained, tired face. He waited as Edward searched his eyes for something he wasn't going to find…Alphonse was certain of what he wanted and it wasn't going away.

"A-Alphonse…" his voice was weak and his words were punctuated in white clouds against the wavering dark and light around them, between two street lights where they stood, "…would you, really leave me…if I d-don't…" he blinked and his grip tightened on Alphonse's arm, "…if I can't g-give you…what you…w-wa-want…"

To Alphonse, the broken voice sounded nothing like Edward and it cut him up inside, his lips quivered slightly as he took a deep breath to answer his brother's broken hearted question.

In his mind he knew he would never, he could never leave Edward but for the very same reason that he didn't want to live without Edward, he answered the only way he could,

"It'd be…f-for the best if that were the case, E-ed…" he sniffed and swallowed down the pain of telling such a manipulative lie.

He would give anything for Edward to just want what he did, for this to be simpler for them both, it tore him up inside to lie to his brother, to be so shrewd to the person he loved most…

…but if he didn't, Edward would never return his feelings, he'd never find out if they could make this work, he'd never know if this would either make them happy or kill them both slowly…

He sniffed loudly and let out a short mirthless laugh which puffed between them, Edward's eyebrows drew together in confusion,

"We're…we're scientists…alchemists…right, Edward?" Alphonse reached up, taking a shaking gloved hand from his coat pocket and covering the gloved hand holding his opposite upper arm tightly, "…isn't everything we know learnt from m-mistakes, discovered through t-trial and error. Our entire existence is based on cause and effect…" he felt Edward's grip on his arm lessen and he slipped his hand around his brothers.

His fingers pressed into Edward's palm lightly as he brought the hand down and brought his other hand out of his pocket too so he could hold Edward's hand in both of his, he was staring down at the white gloved hand that used to be cold, hard automail,

"…we're not the first to go through this and we won't be the last…" he swallowed sorely and licked his dry lips like Edward had been doing all night, "…but like every individual experiment, the variables are different, the chemicals are different, the catalyst is different…and the outcome is  _different_." He looked up and saw that Edward was staring at their hands.

He tried to say something more right then- the brutal honesty of it made him choke on it for a second and he saw Edward's eyes look straight into his at the pained sound he made- he continued once his throat cleared, he squeezed Ed's hand,

"I  **know** …that the idea of being that way with me…disgusts…you. I know that what happened between us that night made you…it makes you sick, Edward I know…that I was  **wrong** …" he knew Edward would be upset because a few warm tears betrayed him and slipped over his cold cheeks, "…I was wrong to make you do that."

"Alphonse, please…" Edward's voice sounded exhausted.

He smiled slightly even though tears were on his face and when he did he saw Edward's frown deepen,

"I'm not gonna burst into tears…don't worry." He mumbled and used one hand to wipe away the few tears on his cheeks while he securely held Edward's hand with the other.

When he was done wiping at his face, leaving a few red blotches on his cold skin he sniffed and took in a quiet breath, looking again at Edward's exhausted and uncertain expression,

"I won't force you…" he admitted honestly, "…but…I'd like you to at least…try…for me, please?"

The look on Edward's face gave him no reassurance that his words had made any impact, it seemed Edward could not be reasoned into this…but his expression did give Alphonse miserable chills and a dull glimmer of hope because those golden eyes reflected defeat and resignation…Edward's posture held no defiance and his hand was completely limp in Alphonse's grasp.

The next words from Edward, said in the cold, slightly snowing, undisturbed streets of Central City, would be their next starting point.

Ed absently licked his lips again but averted his eyes,

"F-for you Alphonse…I'd…I'll do…any-…" he took in a sharp quiet breath and Alphonse could see he was trying not to cry himself, "…I'll do anything…I'll…t-try…but I…I do-…"

Alphonse squeezed his hand as warmth spread through his chest, contradicting the guilty nausea eating away at his stomach,

"That's enough…I just ask that you try…and it's a lot to ask I know that…but I love you…" he was breathing quicker now, feeling sick with relief and he wanted to latch onto Edward but he reminded himself firmly that he wouldn't make bodily physical contact without permission, "…I want to try and…give you something in return…" he had one of his hands holding Edward's thumb and the other holding his index finger, his stomach was unsettled but he felt stupidly giddy.

"…no I…"

"Please…" he cut Edward off.

Edward was shaking his head, his face drawn and pale,

"Alphonse, this…this isn't equivalent exchange…there really isn't anything I want from you…like that." Edward attempted to tug his hand back.

Alphonse let go once the glove started slipping off Edward's hand under his light hold, he was blushing for some reason he didn't understand but he shook his head,

"No…I…" he sighed in heavy hearted frustration, "…I meant anything, not that. I'm asking you to do something for me that I have no right to…at all…" he admitted sorely, "…I'd like us to compromise…I know its ambitious considering the circumstances, but I'd like us both to be at least…marginally happy." He frowned and slipped his hands back into his pockets.

Edward had straightened his gloves and ran a hand over his snow damp ponytail, he started walking again and Alphonse did as well, falling into step beside him.

Neither of them said anything for a long time, Edward's expression was tense and the stress he was under was visible in the lines around his eyes and mouth.

Happiness was not really an option.

They reached the apartment building, walked through the empty lobby passing the receptionist wordlessly and finally found themselves' inside their unnerving apartment, the only light on was the one in the small entry space they stood in, casting an ugly yellow over them as they shrugged off their damp coats, took their gloves off and slipped out of their shoes.

When Edward hung his coat up after Alphonse the silence was already ringing in Alphonse's ears, he swallowed thickly feeling the ever present tension intensify just from being completely alone,

"Uh…you want me to make you coffee…?" Alphonse asked hopefully as Edward turned around to face him after closing the closet door.

He wanted them to move passed this as well, how could they live together and make progress if they couldn't even speak to each other?

Edward shook his head,

"No thanks…I'm not feeling well, I just want to lie down…" his voice continued to sound unlike the Edward Alphonse knew, weak and submissive.

Edward was on the side of the door, Alphonse knew he was technically blocking Ed's path. Edward looked tiredly at him, their mostly equal heights made their gazes level, Alphonse knew he probably looked just as tired.

He tried to smile but only managed a stretching of his lips,

"You didn't say…if there was anything you wanted from me…"

Edward sighed slowly and blinked his eyes, his gaze focused on the wall next to the closet when he opened them again,

"…just…just take care of yourself. Life is short Alphonse…" he watched Edward's face take on a thoughtful look, "…you've already lost five years of your life because of me…"

"Ed…"

"…I just hope you manage to find some kind of happiness…in what you've chosen now." He said rather morbidly and his eyes slid back to Alphonse, no fire like there used to be in the golden irises, "…good night…" he mumbled quietly.

Alphonse felt heaviness settle in his chest at those words…they almost sounded like a warning.

Edward's shoulder bumped his as he passed but then Edward stopped, his heavy automail foot giving away what his socked foot did not.

Alphonse turned to face him, he figured Edward had something else to say that would keep him from sleep again that night but his breath caught in his throat when Edward's hand rested on his shoulder and a light kiss was placed on his cold left cheek.

The contact was gone quickly and he blinked rapidly as his stomach fluttered and his heart beat faster, Edward's expression evaded him since the older boy went quietly around the corner into the hall without another word.

He knew it was unbelievably selfish to be feeling so good when he knew Edward was feeling so awful.

But Alphonse did feel good…

* * *

He felt so good that he didn't sleep at all but not for all the bad reasons he usually was kept up by.

Edward had voluntarily kissed him and yes he'd been kissed on his cheek by Edward many times in the past…but this was the first time since…since everything had gone to shit.

There was still unmistakable guilt digging its way into the bottom of his gut but he chose to ignore it.

He probably should have thought about how consuming guilt could be to a person, he should have thought about Edward's suffering and Izumi's suffering, Roy Mustang's suffering for the things they'd done that they couldn't change now that it'd happened…he should have remembered all the things he'd seen.

But Alphonse in the flesh did not relate to the 'feelings' he experienced as a suit of armor…and so he didn't even really know what he was doing to himself.

Oblivious to all but his hopefulness, he made breakfast the following morning with a lot of bacon which Edward had purchased at some point, it'd needed defrosting from its lengthy time in the back of the freezer but once it was sizzling in the new pan on the built in stove, the eeriness around the apartment seemed to become less copious.

They'd been there for days and hadn't really been living there.

Alphonse has opened the large windows in the lounge early that morning, letting in some cold but fresh air when he'd woken up. After his time in the bathroom freshening up, he'd closed them again and used his alchemy against the fire wood to get a spark going in the small lounge fire place.

That had been an hour ago, now it was warm in the apartment –serving to soothe Edward's automail pains- and breakfast was made – serving to incite Edward's appetite- and Alphonse had made himself look decent and as well as possible –serving to adhere to Edward's request.

Now he was just waiting for Edward to show up.

He hoped that Edward would come into the kitchen instead of going from the bathroom back to his bedroom.

He'd heard the toilet flush about a half hour ago and the shower had been running since.

While he broke some eggs above a different pan, he tried to clear his mind of the thought of Edward in the shower – it was one of his fantasies, had been for a while, to share a shower with his brother- but he didn't want it to distract him.

He heard the shower switch off just when he'd done scrambling the eggs and he listened as the bathroom door opened and Edward's bedroom door closed seconds later.

He sighed and looked over the bacon, toast and eggs he'd made all laid out on the table…he wasn't feeling as nauseas as usual but he was still pretty damn queasy, he wondered how much of the food he could eat without throwing up.

He tried to ignore the emotional pain he felt at being let down…but he knew he shouldn't be surprised.

He'd said he'd give Edward time and he really couldn't expect miracles…

He was starting to dig through some cupboards to find dishes to refrigerate the food in –everything was still new to him in the kitchen- when he heard Edward's bedroom door open and his footfalls coming down the hall. He waited and watched Edward pass the kitchen door.

He frowned and listened to Edward walk around the lounge a bit and then he passed the door of the kitchen again, Alphonse was about to call him but he back stepped on his own and frowned as he looked over the kitchen table.

Alphonse was standing at the opposite end of the table and he smiled faintly, discouraged by Edward's lackluster expression,

"I…made breakfast…we could both use a few proper meals." He leaned on the back of a table chair where he stood.

He watched Edward look over the food then at him, taking in his appearance and Alphonse was glad he'd made the effort to look better this morning.

He was dressed in a comfortable jeans and a dark blue long sleeve sweater, he'd also combed his hair out and parted it to the side in its usual way, when he'd looked in the mirror he'd approved for the most part.

Edward seemed to approve too.

The older man sighed and walked into the kitchen, he stopped at the other end of the four chair table and placed the library book he held –no doubt from the lounge just now- on to the table,

"That's a lot…" he said looking over the food.

It wasn't true, usually they'd eat more than that at breakfast but neither of them had much of an appetite still.

Alphonse shrugged and stepped around the table to stand just a bit closer to Ed, he loved how he smelled after a shower, it made him light headed with how sensual a feeling it gave him.

Edward wore his customary dark colors, a faded black jeans and dark long sleeve cotton shirt, his hair was pulled up into its usual ponytail, trailing down his back as far as the curve of his spine.

Alphonse had imagined a few times in recent days being allowed to do Edward's hair up for him, maybe even braid it. When he'd been in the armor he'd never been able to since his hands had been so big and he'd never thought to ask once he had his body back, now he really wanted to.

And he hoped if he asked, Edward would let him sometime.

"We'll put away whatever we don't eat…maybe it'll double as lunch…" he suggested.

Edward blinked in between a glance from the food to Alphonse,

"We should eat…" he mumbled.

Alphonse understood Edward's apprehension to the food,

"Only as much as we can…food will help us feel better…but not if we eat enough of it to get sick every time…" he pointed out as he picked up the two plates he'd put on the table and laid them separately.

Edward pulled up the chair at the end where he stood and sat down to wait as Alphonse placed some breakfast onto a plate for him and then for himself.

Once again it was quiet while they ate and Alphonse was glad to see Edward eat all the bacon and half the eggs but none of the toast. Alphonse ate most of his breakfast and felt guilty that he could manage that much…it told him he was getting better…while Edward wasn't.

His stomach clenched as a few emotions swept through him but he kept it masked, Edward didn't need to see anything but –getting better- on his face.

Edward finished off the last of his black coffee after standing up, he carried his plate and his mug to the sink behind where Alphonse sat and he could hear the tap release water into a steadily filling sink behind him as he chewed on his last piece of bacon.

He knew Edward was running dishwater but when he stood up with his empty plate and juice glass in hand after he was done and went to stand beside him at the sink, seeing Edward with his long sleeves rolled up, his forearms covered in suds as he washed whatever dish he held under the water…gave him an odd feeling.

It was a good feeling…a rather silly girlish sort of feeling.

The domesticity of their situation was somehow more pronounced now…he'd never seen Edward do dishes in all his life…

He smiled in a way he used to when he was nineteen and Edward would come home from being away for a few days, genuine and loving as he stared at his brother, the older blonde looked at him right then and he blinked owlishly, making Alphonse's small smile turn into a full toothy smile.

"W…what?" he sounded nervous, again unlike himself, as he raised a wet soapy hand from the water and took the glass and plate one by one from Alphonse.

Alphonse answered the simplest most honest way he could,

"I'm just happy…"

Edward slowed in his washing, placing a soapy glass on the draining board and he glanced at the younger,

"…that's great, Alphonse."

Alphonse kept back a sigh, feeling put out by Ed's somber demeanor.

He also kept back a sigh from the rush of contact he wanted to make, he wanted to touch Ed's hair, rub his back and shoulders, smell his freshly washed skin.

In the end he couldn't help but ask,

"Edward…" he saw the older blonde tense, "…will you, kiss me good morning…?" he watched Ed's side profile, eyes focused on the sink, mouth in a straight line and he heard the faint washing sound beneath the water stop completely.

He'd phrased it in a corny way…but he also left out the amendment of –just on the lips- and asked if Edward  _would kiss him_.

Of course if Edward just kissed him on the lips he'd take it…but he wasn't going to miss the chance at something more if he could get it.

He watched Edward's brow crease for a moment before his expression was replaced by passive resignation, Alphonse blinked in time with his fluttering heart when Edward stood up straight –hands remaining in the dishwater- and he turned his head to face Alphonse.

There was a silly part of him that wanted Edward to be enthusiastic about it but he knew that was asking far too much. The way it was, was okay too, Edward did look very unhappy but he still looked undeniably handsome and with just a shoulder length between them, he smelled even better.

Al waited with a quickened heart beat and was rewarded for his patience, Edward leaned sideways and pressed his lips to Alphonse's, that minimal pressing of lips was really wonderful and sweet and made his breath short but when Edward started to lean back, Alphonse leaned with him, trying to hold onto it for only a moment longer.

He had closed his eyes but he opened them as he leaned with Edward and he saw –as expected- Edward's eyes open and a little wide, Alphonse used the split second pause of their lips still together to very lightly touch his tongue to Edward's lips.

The older blonde blinked quite a few times and Alphonse closed his eyes again…hopefully.

It felt like forever but it happened within seconds and another second later…at the beginning of a tremble in Edward's body which he felt from the shoulder pressed lightly to his chest, Edward once again –just like that night- parted his lips.

Alphonse's body warmed up with immediate heat, several jolts rushing to one place but he didn't lose his composure, he slipped his tongue into Edward's mouth slowly and as the trembling increased, he felt Edward's tongue slide against his own.

It wasn't like that night where Alphonse was blinded by passion and Edward had been forced with need to stop Alphonse's tears, there was no urgency…and in the creepy silence of the kitchen, Alphonse actually felt a little uncomfortable and nervous at how empty it felt.

There was no emotion between them now.

Yes, Edward was kissing him…but it was clinical and detached. Their mouths were flush together, lips parted and Alphonse was thrilled at the feeling of Edward's tongue moving against his own…but it was…

…just empty.

Never the less he drew it out as long as he could, not being forceful but enjoying Edward's kiss for as long as he'd give it…which he seemed to be leaving up to Alphonse.

Realizing this the younger blonde hung on, he tried to allow the elation he felt to seep into the kiss but no matter what he did, Edward only seem to respond accordingly. Whatever he did, Edward just went with it.

Alphonse raised his hand and placed it lightly on Ed's shoulder, turning him so they were facing each other…their lips parted wetly and Alphonse  _knew_  it should have been the end but he burned with emotion while the very essence of Edward was vacant.

He wanted some sort of reaction.

It was disconcerting. Like Edward wasn't in his body…

He was breathing shallowly, his face hot as he opened his eyes, Edward's face was expressionless, his skin looked ashen, his lips were wet and his eyes downcast…one hand leaned on the edge of the sink and the other was at his side dripping a steady puddle of water onto the floor.

Alphonse swallowed the taste of coffee from Edward's mouth and enjoyed the shiver he felt for it,

"Just a bit more Edward…please…?" he made sure to ask. Consent was important.

Edward's face didn't change, his eyes remained downcast and his shoulders slouched but he nodded, barely, but he did.

Alphonse brought his arms up and slipped one around Edward's neck while his other arm folded between them so his hand could hold Edward's face lightly, his thumb running lightly over Edward's bottom lip before he kissed him again and met no resistance, Edward's lips, mouth and tongue reciprocated only what they received and even so, just barely.

He didn't even move, he stood rigid.

Alphonse didn't like the detachment but again he reminded himself it was just the start and so he kissed Edward as the seconds ticked by on the clock above the doorway, he inhaled Edward's scent, memorized the texture of tongue and all of these feelings made his skin prickle pleasantly.

He was just starting to suck on Edward's tongue the way Edward had done to him that night when a knock sounded and it shattered the dead silence of the apartment like an explosion.

Alphonse jumped back from Edward like he'd been electrocuted, his eyes wide and his shaken breathing from the shock was an indication to him that he was still riddled with the clarity of how wrong what he was doing truly was.

The knock sounded again and he looked at Edward with wide eyes…the older blonde looked frigid white and he was swallowing thickly, his chest rising and falling deeply…his entire body shaking.

On the third knock –which was as steady and patient as the first two- Alphonse became irritated with the interruption, his moment of shock had passed and he felt like this moment had been ruined.

His skin was still hot from the feeling of Edward's kiss…

He watched Edward turn around slowly, slipping his hands back into the water before he hoarsely mumbled,

"Please get the door, Alphonse…" still shaking noticeably.

Alphonse stared at his back for a moment until the knock sounded again and he shook himself into movement, pushing away from the table he'd leaned against before crossing the small kitchen and turning down the hall.

He stepped to the door with a grimace while running a shaken hand through his hair, he was fully prepared to yell at whatever neighbour or building personnel had decided to bother them.

But when he opened it his heart stopped in his chest and he felt himself turn cold as he paled, all the heat and fluster he'd been feeling drained from him instantly.

"Good morning, Alphonse." General Roy Mustang said without a hint of a smile.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all comments.
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Bush

 

 

 

  
_Let it slide_   
_Overhead_   
_When I believe in you_   
_My soul can rest_

  
_But as love_   
_It's really love_   
_It never fails_   
_But fail it does_

  
_When we shine_   
_Like the sun_   
_You seem the only one_   
_My only friend_

  
_I resigned_   
_From myself_   
_Took a break_   
_As someone else_

  
_It's like I've come undone_   
_And I've only just become_   
_Inflatable for you_

  
_So pretty in white_   
_Pretty when you're faithful_

_I don't mind_

  
_Most of the time_   
_But you push me so_   
_Far inside_

* * *

Edward's blood ran cold in his veins the second he heard Mustang's voice, loud and clear in the silent apartment.

His shaking – still present from a minute earlier kissing Alphonse- worsened and he felt like a lead weight of guilt dropped into his stomach, disturbing his nausea and making saliva rush to his mouth. Edward turned quickly from the sink to rush from the kitchen but he slipped in the puddle of dishwater on the floor with his flesh foot.

He grabbed out, balancing himself on the back of the chair and the sink, leaving water splatters on the light wood and on the floor from his hands. Once he got his balance again he moved across the kitchen –he heard Alphonse invite Mustang inside, his voice sounded shaken- but he didn't care right then, he just wanted to be away.

He left a trail of half foot and toe prints on the tiles as he turned into the hall, grateful for the corner wall blocking him from the entrance door and he managed to get to the bathroom. He pushed the door open and slipped inside, closing the door quickly and not all that quietly, his automail footsteps had ruined any sort of stealthy retreat anyway.

Once he was inside he stifled a groan and took to his knees at the toilet, he raised the lid with shaking hands and took heavy breaths as he swallowed back the rushes of saliva to his mouth.

He closed his eyes, frowning in pain as he tried to clear his mind, his body felt weak from shock and he trembled involuntarily no matter how much he tried to calm himself, but slowly the rushes to his mouth evened out and the turning of his stomach eased and he clenched his teeth, continuing to breathe deeply.

He hadn't heard the door close, probably because of the panic of his heart beat in his ears but now he could hear muffled talking coming from the kitchen. He opened his eyes and swallowed a final time before leaning back from the toilet and moving to stand up, his palms on the cold floor tiles so he could get his feet underneath himself.

His knees felt jelly like but his legs supported him as he turned around and stepped over to the counter. He leant his full weight on one arm while he reached up and opened the cabinet above the basin, he didn't look at his pathetic appearance in the mirror, seeing himself like he'd been looking recently only made him feel worse. The cabinet was mostly empty except for his and Alphonse's separate razors for shaving and a few small bottles of pills, some painkillers and some sleeping pills.

He grabbed the head ache pills and used his thumb to pop the bottle open, there were only two left in the small container so he tossed it to the back of his throat and dry swallowed with a grimace.

He stood for a while listening to himself breathe and the muffled talking from the next room before reality really caught up with him.

His tainted reality.

He clenched his teeth again and dropped the plastic container onto the counter, it rolled a small ways and stopped against the wall. He stood up slightly and pressed both of his sweaty palms flat to the white surface, Edward couldn't help the guilt he felt, even though Alphonse was the instigator, Alphonse was the one who wanted this…he was no better for allowing it.

He knew that logically Mustang would not be able to determine what they'd been doing, or rather, that would not be his first assumption, but he already felt far too raw and exposed to stand that scrutinizing gaze.

He swallowed again and this time he tasted apple juice, reminding him that he'd had his tongue in his younger brother's mouth only minutes earlier.

He disregarded his renewed nausea as he brought a hand up, he rubbed roughly at his mouth one time and then a few more until the skin around his mouth was red and irritated.

His lips were quivering…but it wasn't because he'd been kissing Alphonse, that wasn't his primary concern right then, he had plenty of time for that when he was alone, right then he was worried about Mustang.

He could smell Alphonse's cologne on himself, perhaps he was just keenly aware of it because of how it ended up on him, but still. He wondered with an increasing panicked sweat if there was anything on Alphonse that would give anything away to Mustang…especially since he'd been flustered when he left the kitchen.

He opened the tap over the basin wider than he needed to and washed his hands once under the iced cold water before he carelessly cupped water into his palms to bring it to his mouth. He didn't care about the water running down his arms to his rolled up sleeves, or the water messing the sides of the basin, he only cared about rinsing any possible taste of Alphonse from his mouth.

After several rinses he sniffed and grabbed the mouthwash, swishing some around his mouth until it burned his tongue. He rinsed his face a few times after that and then finally closed the tap and leaned on the counter again, silence settled around him and he let out a deep exhale, water dripped off the point of his nose and off his chin into the water swirling down the drain.

 _'There's nothing that would make him suspicious…'_  he was trying to calm his raging worry and guilt, his stomach was still shaking from the intense shock of when he'd heard the General's voice.

"What is he even doing here? …bastard…" Edward whispered to himself as he dragged a wet hand over his face. The water had left his hands white and the cold temperature was starting to make his skin ache, so he turned around and stepped to the towel rack, using the available towel to dab his face and dry his hands.

He pulled the towel from his face to look at one of his hands, he watched the way it trembled and clenched his teeth as he made a fist a few times.

He couldn't stop the shaking. He couldn't face Mustang sha-

There was a knock on the bathroom door and Edward's already hurting insides jolted again as he turned to look at the door with wide eyes.

"E-edward…" Alphonse sounded withdrawn, "…General Mustang has come to see you." He said a little louder but his voice told volumes about his own shaken feelings.

Edward felt that coil of resentment he'd recently discovered start up the burn of his ulcer and he pressed his hand to his abdomen as he tossed the towel onto the counter.

There was no point putting this off, yes it was Alphonse's fault for dragging out that…kiss…but neither of them would have expected Roy Mustang to show up.

He was angry right now…but he knew it would pass.

He pulled the door open sharply and saw the worry in his brother's green eyes, they stared at each other for only seconds before Edward – unintentionally- gave him a dirty look, then stepped out of the bathroom and walked in the direction of the kitchen.

He didn't want Alphonse to follow and he was relieved when he heard Alphonse rush to his room and close the door. He could barely hold it together now…if Alphonse were in the same room it'd be worse.

He took a quiet deep breath before he turned and walked into the kitchen, Mustang sat where Edward had been sitting so his back was to the door, Edward swallowed thickly,

"What the hell are you doing here?" he cursed himself inwardly for the tremor in his voice.

He walked around and a little ways passed the sink so that there was at least a meter between them and he could face Mustang, or pretend to while he leaned against the counter along the wall and kept his eyes mostly on the table.

Mustang looked unphased by the greeting, he was in full uniform as he sat leaning back and to the side in the chair so his legs could cross, one arm across his lap holding his gloves and one on the table, fingers resting on the handle of fresh mug of coffee that looked untouched.

"Good morning to you too, Full-…uh, Edward." He smiled ever so slightly.

But Edward hadn't missed those vigilant eyes sweep over him and he knew he was still shaking which was exactly why he'd pocketed his hands and pursed his lips.

"Okay, whatever…why're you here, Mustang?"

Mustang blinked, again unbothered by the rude response,

"It's almost the holidays…" he said evenly and slipped his fingers into the handle and raised the mug, "…things at work are winding down, paper work is finally less, higher ups are going on leave…I had some free time today." He raised his eyebrows.

Edward blinked at him and narrowed one eye,

"You had some time…" his voice was low and conveyed his irritation, "…and you came here to bother me."

Roy sipped the coffee, slowly and with a thoughtful look in his eyes, Edward held his gaze, even though he lacked the proper confidence to do so right then.

He placed the mug down quietly once he'd taken a few sips,

"Honestly…I was concerned about the two of you."

Edward didn't say anything at first, he didn't like that answer to his question, he didn't like the clock ticking loudly on the wall or the quiet dissolving of the soap bubbles in the sink…or the way Mustang scrutinized him.

He swallowed and hid a grimace,

"Concerned about what…the cold?" he glanced around the kitchen, feeling uncomfortable.

He was standing very close to the sink and with Mustang staring at him like that the prickle of guilt made his skin crawl far worse.

He'd been willingly kissing Alphonse just now…or as much as he could be willing…and it'd been unbearably silent, the smell of coffee had been around them like it was now and he'd felt so cold, just like he felt now.

"…Edward, I've known you a long time-…"

"So what." He snapped, but his voice broke around the words and he frowned.

Roy's indifferent façade faded away and he frowned slightly, Edward knew concern when he saw it and it made him cringe because he didn't think he deserved that from Mustang.

If the older man knew what he was allowing…even if he told himself a million times he needed to do anything to make Alphonse happy- he knew it was wrong, everything about it was wrong and there'd be no sympathy, especially not from Mustang.

But Edward really wanted someone to tell…he wanted someone to know how completely empty he felt…

However he was neither that weak nor stupid and so he would keep this dirty secret to himself…always.

To protect Alphonse.

He slipped one hand from his pocket- forgetting how he was shaking- and he rubbed his hand over his mouth before tucking his bangs behind his ears.

He chanced a glance at Mustang and blinked awkwardly at how closely he was being watched, he sighed,

"Geez, quit staring at me like that…" he mumbled.

"Can I speak now?" Mustang asked after another sip of his coffee.

Edward's mouth turned down and he nodded, giving Mustang the floor to lay out whatever conclusions he'd drawn, he may have avoided it the day before but like he expected, avoiding Mustang didn't ever work out for him. Rather he get it over with.

"I've known you for a long time." He started again and Edward turned to stare at the window, "I know you better than I know Alphonse honestly, considering all the years I was able to learn to read you while he had no physical tells to speak of…" he trailed off.

Edward felt sadness swell in his chest and he  **hated**  that he missed the days were Alphonse was in the armor.

He swallowed down the sudden lump in his throat,  _'…fuck, I'm the worst brother…how can I think like that…?'_

He knew Mustang was watching him but he still didn't look at the man, he just couldn't.

"I didn't think anything of your appearance when you first came to see me, but when Alphonse came and looked worse than you I suspected something wasn't right. Then when I saw you again…you looked like shit and practically ran out of my office…" his voice was light, as if he were talking about the weather.

Edward was clenching his jaw, forcing himself to be quiet, he'd rather wait to hear the verdict before he said anything, he was still mostly certain Mustang had no idea of what  _exactly_  was going on.

Mustang sighed,  
"Because…of your short notice looking for a job I actually assumed you were having financial trouble." He sounded plainly honest and Edward turned his head slightly to see that Mustang was staring at the half empty mug, "So I found your address on your contract and came to see if I was right…" he glanced around the kitchen and then his eyes fell back on Edward.

The blonde slid his eyes away quickly and stared again at the window, his stomach was burning with worry.

"…clearly you're fine with money. I'm not all that surprised actually, while you always over spent on your research budget I do recall you keeping expert track of your personal finances…and you called me a penny pincher." He chuckled lightly but it did nothing to lift the tension or unsettling silence of the kitchen, not for Edward.

Not when he was aware of what they'd been doing, not when he'd just had a horrible cruel thought about his brother in the armor…not when Alphonse might be crying down the hall…

"There's nothing wrong…" he hated that he mumbled it, he'd need conviction in his tone to get Mustang to come off it.

"That is a plain faced lie…which I expected." Mustang admitted.

"Look…" Edward was about to start yelling about him worrying about his own business but when he looked at Mustang, his voice was lost.

He looked completely serious and while there was concern in his face, there was also insistence,

"Why did you run out of the kitchen when you heard me at the door?"

The shock to Edward's system was minimal compared to earlier but he knew he'd turned a refreshed shade of white, questions of what would make Mustang use the word –run- or to know it was specifically from the kitchen, struck him silent for a moment.

He'd made noise in the hall…and closed the bathroom door…but…

"What…?" he swallowed as he frowned at Mustang.

Mustang sighed patiently and his eyes slid to the slowly drying water spots and half formed foot prints on the tiles,

"Alphonse was wearing bedroom slippers…so those don't belong to him…" he took a longer drink of his coffee and stared at Edward expectantly.

Edward closed his eyes and raised his shaking hands to his hair, dragging them down over his face and sighing before he looked at Mustang and stood off the counter,

"I'm not well, okay bastard, I didn't want to see anyone, least of all you…" he sounded as irate as he felt.

"What's wrong with you?" the question was straight forward, "Alphonse looks a little better than when I last saw him, you look far worse…" he pointed out, tipping his head to make it obvious as he looked over Edward.

 _'Of course he looks better…'_  he thought bitterly and the barely kept the sad frown that followed off of his face,  _'…shit I love my brother, I don't want to feel like this about him…'_

"Ed, you can tell me-…"

"I want you to leave Mustang, there's nothing to tell…" for once his voice sounded sure and concise, he gave Mustang his best glare, "…I'll get better, it won't affect my work so you don't have to worry…"

Edward turned away again, picking up a half used roll of kitchen paper towel and ripping off a few sheets before dropping them on the floor and using his foot to wipe up the water, just to distract himself.

For a long while Mustang said nothing and then the chair scraped over the tiles and he stood up, Edward stopped what he was doing and watched the older man stand, he stepped over to the sink next to Edward and placed the empty mug on the side of it lightly.

Edward couldn't meet his eyes so he turned his face away and Mustang sighed again,

"Come and see me  _when_  you need to talk…" he turned and started to pull his gloves on, Edward watched him through his bangs, "…I've seen many things in my lifetime Edward and one of the things I saw very often, something I'll never forget, I saw in you just a moment ago…"

Edward swallowed and watched Mustang straighten himself out near the door way,

"And what's that…?" he mumbled.

Mustang looked at him, face expressive of his worry,

"The look of a broken man…" he said very quietly, "…I saw it in many soldiers in the war…seeing things and done things that they could never take back, hell, I probably looked like that too. Not you though…even with two missing limbs at ten years old you still looked like you had fight in you…but just now…" he shook his head.

The breaths Edward took felt cold in his wheezing lungs and he made no effort now to hide the slouch of his shoulders of the frailty in his face…and he didn't say anything, he just kept his dull eyes on the table.

Eventually Mustang's boots shifted on the tile,

"I'll show myself out…" he said simply and then he was gone from the doorway.

Edward listened to his footfalls all the way to the door, it opened and then he closed his eyes when the door was closed again, sealing Mustang out of the awful atmosphere of the apartment.

He wasn't shaking anymore, not on the outside.

His breaths were uneven and his stomach hurt but outwardly he looked numb, expressionless.

At least he had been right, Mustang didn't know anything besides the fact that  **something**  was wrong and it was something he saw in Edward and not Alphonse…which in a very real way was the opposite of how things were.

Still it was not good that Mustang could see anything at all, but it was good that he didn't have any idea.

They'd have to keep it that way.

This silent decision brought to the forefront of his mind what had been happening before Mustang showed up.

He closed his eyes and rubbed his fingers over them, his head ache was persistent.

It had been his second time kissing Alphonse like that…and some part of his body had expected the shock, nausea and discomfort- obviously muscle memory or something, because he'd found it easier to do than the first time.

 _Easier_  perhaps…but still not easy.

Alphonse had an eager tongue…and a smooth manner of kissing he hadn't used  **that**  night.

This time round Edward had found his disconcertion focused more on  _how much_  Alphonse had been trying to please him with the kiss than the actual kiss itself.

Alphonse had been trying to make him…feel good…he'd even done something with his tongue that Edward usually done himself when kissing.

He supposed he could give Alphonse credit for giving a shit about how it felt to him…but it would be empty credit because no matter how good a kisser he might be, Edward knew it would never feel  _good_.

He was however both incredibly scared and very slightly relieved that he hadn't been thrown into an emotional and physical torrent by the kiss.

He'd just let it happen, his mind and body fell into sync and it turned out to be a ' _can I do this? Yes I can'_  sort of reaction.

 _'…maybe that's the reaction of a broken man…'_  he stared at his feet, his flesh toes were iced cold.

He glanced at the sink and then at Mustang's mug, he truly didn't feel like finishing off the dishes, he just wanted to distract himself and work or reading seemed like his best options.

So he picked up his book from where he'd left it on the table and he left the kitchen as it was, food open on the table, wet paper towels stuck to the tiles and cold water in the sink. He walked out of the kitchen into the hall, stopping at Alphonse's door to lean close and listen but when he heard no crying he sighed quietly in relief and walked the rest of the way into his room.

Mustang was gone and Alphonse was not crying…it was good enough, even if his stomach still hurt.

He shut the door quietly, in case Alphonse was asleep or something and he walked to his bed where he sat down heavily, he bunched up his pillows behind him as a barrier against the cold wall and he opened the library book he hadn't read yet.

The silence made him uncomfortable even as he turned page after page, reading without absorbing the words on the pages.

His mind drifted back to the night before, the dinner he'd shared with Alphonse. It had been an unfamiliar thing, neither of them had ever gone to dinner together like that before.

In the past when they ate at restaurants it was usually in hotels they were staying at, shabby places they'd come across in their travels.

Or in the small towns it'd be the bars, taverns or small diners and it'd always be just a case of him eating because he had to and trying to do it without feeling bad for Alphonse.

But the night before had been…yes, he'd sensed it from the moment they walked in to that place.

It had been some sort of…date, an unspoken preposition…

Even if Alphonse hadn't acted as though it were like that…his words that followed…when they'd been walking home, it'd highlighted what was going on in his mind.

It was obviously some sort of means to an end, Alphonse was trying to give him some sense of control, trying to make him comfortable, asking for kisses and avoiding awkward looks…

It was, in a sense, the behavioral conditioning he'd suspected it was, except it wasn't as well.

He hadn't quite figured it out yet but he sensed there was something mentally respective about it.

And for him the cold hard facts of all this was found somewhere in the latest reasoning speech he'd received, Alphonse had once again told him he'd leave and Edward could only think he meant it because logically if they couldn't be happy together, then they'd be just as well unhappy apart.

There wouldn't be much difference.

And neither of them wanted that.

That was the key thing for Edward, he didn't want to _lose_  Alphonse.

Alphonse was all there was for him…he'd given up so much and would give up everything he had still for his younger brother. He'd dedicated his life to that cause and he'd never stopped meaning it, everything he did was for Alphonse.

In his thoughts about marriage and children…Alphonse was always there at his side.

Alphonse was always always there.

Maybe their relationship had always been unhealthy…

All the same, in the end all that Alphonse had needed to do was ask…and Edward had found himself asking the question,  _'Can I try?,_ in response.

And unfortunately the answer was… _yes_.

He could.

It would not kill him. It would not stop his heart in his chest.

And it would make Alphonse happy.

Which was how he'd found himself facing the situation that morning.

A broken man…who had accepted his fate.

He'd given himself closure the night before, placing what he knew would be the last chaste kiss he ever gave his little brother, on his cheek. The last time he'd done that…was before Alphonse went to Xing and came back a different version of himself.

Then he lay awake all night, barely keeping the tears in his eyes, feeling the insistent need to cry pull deep inside his chest, resigning himself to what he'd agreed to.

He honestly didn't know how far he could go, he didn't know if how far he could go had anything to do with how long he remained sane…or whether he would eventually break down, or really start to loathe Alphonse.

He had no idea what the future held.

All he did know was that if he could…he would.

It was a straightforward way to approach this situation. He didn't need to let his feelings get involved, not his moral or familial feelings. He had a mouth and he knew how to kiss…so when Alphonse asked him if he would kiss him…the answer in his mind was simple…yes, he could, so he would.

And he did…and his stomach turned at first, his chest hurt at the swell of negative emotion he couldn't help…but after a while, it became a vague uncomfortable feeling.

After a while…he was able to just…give in.

Just like Alphonse wanted.

He closed the book in his lap slowly and blinked at the open space of his room as he realized now exactly what Alphonse was doing…and that it was already on its way to working. He smiled sadly as he was once again emotionally pained at the clever manipulation behind it all.

The plan…the idea…was that Edward would  _get used to it_.

He'd already started having less of a reaction to kissing his brother…which made him disgusted with himself.

But the result was there.

He knew he could sit and pick it apart, analyze it…but he didn't know what the use would be, either way he was fucked and fucked up and truthfully he'd rather be that with Alphonse than without.

It seemed black and white now, the gray areas had cleared out…

He would never be the same.

But Alphonse was not the same either.

If anyone in the world would ever be allowed to hurt him emotionally, he could only think it should be Alphonse. If there was anyone who deserved at least his best effort to make him happy, it should be Alphonse.

Because it had always been about Alphonse.

After their mother died.

After the failed human transmutation.

After the Promise Day.

After the sacrifice of his Alchemy.

After Alphonse chose to travel to Xing.

It was always always about Alphonse…and he'd always been fine with that.

Because Alphonse would always always be there…for him.

…and now, he'd always be with him.

Edward grimaced at the hurt of his insides as the thoughts swirled endlessly around in his head, worsening his head ache as well, he pressed the book to his abdomen, taking deep breaths.

It wouldn't be easy…but nothing ever was for them.

It was just another secret…another mistake they would make together and live to regret.

They would have all of their limbs and all of their organs…but none of their happiness.

They'd have each other.

This was what Alphonse wanted…so this was what Edward would give him.

He stared at the ceiling, the cold over cast light from outside made his bedroom seem dim but it was easier on his sore, red eyes.

His insides felt like there was a tug of war going on.

His life sentence was a heavy weight on his chest and in his stomach.

He was giving himself to his younger brother… _everything_  of himself, even the parts not meant for him.

Edward was a strong person…but he wondered if he really could give that much of himself…to anyone? Was it even possible?

Alphonse had said...he loved Edward unconditionally…

Edward believed he loved Alphonse the same way…

Yet it was not the same thing, not the same way they loved.

But only time would tell…if love was enough, brotherly or other wise.

He let out a heavy sigh and closed his tired eyes as he slipped down the pillows until he was lying flat on the bed and they fell on his head, he curled up on his side and waited out the ringing in his ears until the silence fell away and sleep took him.

* * *

"Edward…"

He heard Alphonse's voice, quiet though it was, filter through his sleepy haze.

He frowned and pressed his closed eyes tighter together before he took a deep waking breath and opened his eyes.

It seemed pretty dark.

"Ed…?"

He blinked his sandy eyes a few times and lifted his head, belatedly grabbing the pillows covering his face and pushing them aside, he rolled onto his back and stretched his cramped legs out from his previous curled position to see Alphonse standing at his door, the hall light making him seem like a silhouette.

"Uh…yeah?" he said groggily, he felt like he could use a few more hours of dreamless sleep.

"Sorry to wake you up…I waited for a few hours but I need you to bandage my back before I can sleep…" he was still sounding really quiet, far away.

Edward pushed himself to sit up, turning so his legs were off the bed, when his toes touched the cold floor he quickly lifted his foot up with a short hiss,

"Shit…what time is it?" he pressed the heel of his hand into one eye and rubbed, making the sandy feeling worse.

His bedroom light was switched on and he grimaced at the bright light, blinking as he watched Alphonse walk into the room, he crouched near the wardrobe and picked up Edward's practically brand new bedroom slippers and brought them over,

"It's 9.30." Alphonse said as he placed them down at Ed's feet.

"Ugh…I hate these things…" he glared tiredly at the dark blue slippers before slipping both his feet into them, easier to walk than with one off and one on.

He saw Alphonse smile where he stood near him,

"I told you the tiles would be cold on our feet…" he mumbled.

Edward shrugged and took another deep breath,

"9…30…shit…" he looked up at Alphonse from where he sat, "…it's that late…" when he looked to his open curtains he saw it was dark outside.

"Yeah, you've been sleeping since 11 a.m, but you probably needed the sleep anyway." He said quietly and shifted on his feet.

Edward looked him over with one eye half shut, he was wearing thick cotton pajama's, the pajama top was open and underneath it Alphonse had a plain white t shirt on, his feet covered in his own blue bedroom slippers.

He realized after a moment he could smell the soap scent on his brother's skin and like the cologne had, it comforted him.

Edward was a simple person…little things made him happy.

He was not surprised by how much he wouldn't mind Alphonse's presence for comfort right then.

He was still tired, his body ached and his insides felt like they were experiencing a constant turbulence…

He wouldn't have minded just sitting next to Alphonse for a while, maybe while they read, like old times. He used to be able to lean on his younger brother before and after he had his body back…and simple things like that had made him happy.

"You fall asleep again?" Alphonse said with a smile in his voice.

Edward didn't realize he'd been staring at his slippers, he looked up again and then to Alphonse's hands, he was holding the stuff needed to treat his back.

He patted the spot next to him on the bed.

He noticed Alphonse hesitate…watched him shift on his feet again before he stepped closer and sat on the bed, leaving a reasonable size gap between them.

Edward cleared his throat, disliking the congestion he'd woken up with but grateful it was clearing slowly.

"Your shirt…" he mumbled and took the stuff Alphonse held up for him to take before the younger man turned his back to Ed and bunched up both of his clothing tops under his arms.

Edward ripped the alcohol pad packaging open like he had so many times and took a moment to look at the cut, it was healing slowly but the red irritated coloring was almost completely gone. If it had been any deeper, Alphonse would have needed stitches.

"Is it hurting now?" he asked as he started the cleaning process.

He saw Alphonse glance back at him,

"Well yeah…now that your pressing on it, but otherwise its fine." He mumbled.

Edward nodded even though Alphonse couldn't see and did the usual as the silence settled around them.

As he was pressing on the final tape Alphonse spoke,

"Did the General…did he say anything…?"

Edward disinterestedly tossed the packaging and everything else on to the floor, he felt listless and his room was already untidy, it didn't make a big difference,

"He doesn't know anything…" he said lazily.

Alphonse pulled his shirts down and Edward pulled the loose hairband from his sagging ponytail.

"Are you okay?" Alphonse had turned around to face him.

Edward ran his hands through his loosened hair, smoothing it out as he glanced at Alphonse,

"Yeah…"

"Can I?"

He frowned at the question and only understood it when he turned to look at Alphonse and saw him gesture to his hair.

He blinked.

He'd been expecting something else.

"…sure." Edward removed his hands from his gathered hair and turned so his back was facing Alphonse.

He felt his younger brother's thin hands –far smoother than his own- as they ran through his hair, his fingers grazing Ed's ears lightly, grazing the nape of his neck and over all leaving a pleasant sensation over his skin, it was comforting having hands run through his hair.

It was something he'd never let anyone do, not even partners he'd had.

Winry had braided his hair…but never run her fingers through it.

"Can I braid it, Ed?"

He had closed his eyes, still sleepy and enjoying the soothing feeling, he opened them slightly and nodded,

"Yeah…not tight though…"

"Okay…" Alphonse's voice was a pleasant lilt as well, neutral, no undertones.

He felt as Alphonse separated the parts and then slowly and loosely started braiding, barely pulling on any strands of his sleep tangled hair between his smooth thin fingers.

It took a minute or so before he felt Alphonse tying it off at the end and he heard a soft sigh,

"Your hair is so long Ed…and it's smooth." He was fiddling with the end of the braid, Ed could feel it.

"…" he didn't have anything to say to that, he was about to turn around when Alphonse's hands pressed onto his shoulders, going into the slow massaging he'd done the night before.

"Is this okay?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah…" Edward nodded slightly, again letting his eyes close.

He hadn't said it out loud that he would appreciate some comfort…but Alphonse was doing a pretty good job of that so far anyway. He just doubted it would stay this way…

He didn't think on that though, trying to enjoy the calm he felt right then and his brother's even breathing.

No tears, no emotionally draining pain, no anger, no awkwardness…

Alphonse's hands slid firmly down along the sides of his spine and Edward arched a bit as his muscles ached and then eased under his brother's fingers and thumbs,

"Is this okay, too?" he asked again as the massage shifted to Edward's back.

Edward just nodded, assuming Alphonse would see it.

His hands continued to work, slow and steady, all along his spine and the muscles of his flanks and over his shoulder blades, it was so relaxing Edward could have fallen right back asleep.

He felt Alphonse's hands return to his shoulders eventually and then he vaguely felt him run his fingers down along the length of his braid.

They sat in comfortable silence for the first time in days.

Edward wasn't plagued by a headache anymore and his stomach wasn't burning and aching.

"You want me to bring you something to eat, coffee? Or should I just leave you to go back to sleep?"

It was a real question, genuine offers…he would leave if Edward just said so.

"No…thanks." Ed mumbled, "Could you…not go right now, though?" he said very quietly.

There was no response for a few seconds and the slight sensation of his braid being fiddled with stopped,

"Of course…" he mumbled back.

Minutes went by as they sat there.

It felt like for the moment the war inside Edward's body was at ease.

All the questions in his mind slipped away into his subconscious.

"I can sit with you until you fall asleep again if you want…you seem like your half asleep already." Alphonse's voice filtered through his half asleep state, proving the younger right.

For a moment the question Ed wanted to ask stuck in his throat, some part of him saying it was a bad idea…but with everything that had happened the night before…everything was a bad idea.

"You could…sleep here if you wanted. Just sleep…" he said quietly and sleepily.

Alphonse paused at that, Edward felt his braid fall against his back,

"…there's uh…there's only the bed Edward, where will I-…?"

"You can sleep next to me…" he was serious, he didn't want anything to happen –at all- but the idea of Alphonse staying with him was comforting.

They used to do it as kids and then a few times when Alphonse had first been restored, when he'd have nightmares or Edward would, it didn't happen often but it did happen and Edward always slept well. And now…when it seemed like one of the few things Edward would get out of this…deal…that made him feel better, he wanted to take advantage of it.

"Like we used to?" there was a smile in Al's voice.

Edward was relieved that Alphonse understood.

"Yeah…" he turned around and picked his legs back up, feet out of his shoes, onto the bed.

Alphonse was smiling just a bit, he stood up and went to switch the light off before he came back and crawled into the spot next to Ed on the side near the wall, they both pulled the blankets up over them and Edward handed Alphonse one of his pillows.

They shifted around in the single bed, being close was unavoidable.

They both lay on their backs at first, Edward remembering the last time they'd been on his bed and what had happened, he cringed slightly…but he'd become desensitized at some point.

Whatever had happened to his state of mind in the last few days had affected him deeply, it was permanent.

But he'd known, once something consumed you…the things you were capable of were shocking.

"Good night, Edward." Alphonse said quietly and shifted so his back faced Ed and he curled up slightly to sleep.

Edward was appreciative of the restraint Alphonse was showing, or he assumed at least based on all the other times Alphonse had taken opportunities like this and used them to his advantage.

He was clearly recovering well.

Edward wanted to get better too…even just a little. He remembered what Alphonse had said the night before, that he wanted them to at least be marginally happy and that he was willing to do things for Edward if it helped.

This made him happy. If only superficially…it took away some of his unhappiness.

Edward turned his head to look at Alphonse, only his fair blonde hair was visible against the white pillow, the blanket was over his shoulders.

He blinked slowly.

He loved Alphonse. He knew that more clearly than anything.

And while it wasn't incestuous…it was probably not all that healthy.

They were co-dependent, they had been all their lives…Pinako had pointed that out to him a long time ago.

Edward had always needed Alphonse and vice versa.

Whether it was childhood tragedy or just the strangeness of the centuries old unnatural blood in their veins, it'd always been that way.

Unhealthy…but fine just the way it was.

He turned onto his side, facing Alphonse and under the blanket he reached out…placing his hand lightly on his brother's lean waist. He felt Alphonse tense with shock but he quickly became pliant when Edward shifted closer and wrapped his arm around his waist, pulling him backwards so they were almost directly pressed together, a small space between them, their legs spooning.

"Alphonse…can you do this for me? Can you just lay with me like this…" he whispered while doing something he wouldn't have ever done before, pressing his nose to the nape of his brother's hair and inhaling the scent of his freshly washed skin.

The goose bumps on Alphonse's skin were instantaneous and he shivered –Edward assumed pleasurably- in his hold as he nodded, hair rustling against the pillow,

"A-anything Edward…anything." He whispered back, the desperate sincerity in those words scared Edward but also –wrongly- told him he could pull Alphonse closer and let his brother's hair tickle his face as he lay behind him.

"Thank you." He mumbled quietly, his hand was not touching Alphonse but rather he lay it on the mattress alongside Alphonse's chest, his other arm he brought up and Alphonse shifted to accommodate it as he slid it under the side of Al's neck along the pillow.

Alphonse was warm, his hair was freshly washed and dry, he smelled of soothing chamomile and that mint that Edward had not yet identified. He was comfortable like that and even though he had absolutely no desire to do anything sexual with Alphonse, a part of him was honest enough to admit that he shouldn't even want this much.

It was unhealthy.

Especially since he only felt like he  _could_  do this because Alphonse had opened up a far more frightening channel.

"…please stay my brother…no matter what happens, I don't want to lose you, Alphonse." He said quietly, his voice renewing the goose bumps on Alphonse's soft skin.

Alphonse shifted, not moving even an inch away, just readjusting,

"…I want that too…but if I do that then…then you'll nev-…" his voice was quiet and strained.

"I said I'd try…" Edward said honestly, he meant what he said, "...but it'll only be worth it if I can keep you."

The words were unhealthy for Edward.

For Alphonse they were scintillating.

Both brothers were very conscious of how wrong all of this was, of how bad the state they were in was as well. Edward had seen the shock and guilt on Alphonse's face when Mustang interrupted them that morning, he knew Alphonse was not without his suffering.

Edward himself would never truly be happy again, he could have his moments like this one, but they'd still be inundated with guilt and misery.

But if this was what awaited him then he would take what he could.

"…c-can we be that way, Ed. Brothers and…more?" the question was laced with…hope.

For right then, until the next day…when he'd be exposed to the brutal reality he'd chosen, when he'd be held to his agreement to try and  **be**  with his brother, for right then he had this and he could sleep peacefully with it.

"…just stay my brother…and I'll try my best…to give you what you want…" he heard the raw emotion in his voice and he knew Alphonse heard it too.

There was more shifting and then Alphonse's hand covered his own on the mattress, smooth and warm,

"Okay…I promise…" he whispered back.

Edward let out a sigh, Alphonse shivered at the feeling against his neck…and eventually they fell asleep to the sound of each other's breathing.

* * *

He wasn't sure what time it was when he finally managed to open his eyes, his nose was congested again and his head felt heavy but his body felt relaxed and warm, comfortable and pleasant.

He hadn't woken up feeling like this in a long time.

Edward was lying in the exact position he'd fallen asleep in, spooning Alphonse.

It was obviously cold in the room, he could feel it on his face and the back of his neck but the warmth between them was impressive enough to keep the aches and pains out of his leg.

He blinked a few times as he came around slowly, Alphonse was fast asleep, his breathing was even against Ed's hand and his arms were both numb from being in the same positions for however long they'd slept.

Edward didn't move though, grateful to Alphonse for giving him the chance to sleep so well and for letting him wake up without being violated. He closed his eyes again as all of his thoughts reorganized themselves and reminded him quickly of the unsavory situation they were in.

How bleak their futures were.

But he stayed where he was, bodies close and the tip of his nose to the back of Alphonse's neck, he was too warm and too comfortable to move…

…too comfortable.

He opened his eyes and his face turned a faint shade of red when he realized he had an erection.

He hadn't woken up like  _this_  since  **that**  night…it had been like a stopper to any good sleep or comfortable feelings.

This was the first time he'd felt good after sleeping and his body was showing its appreciation…against his brother's backside.

Edward's stomach did its familiar churn but it wasn't drastic enough that he had to throw up, it was just a reminder that **that**  part of him should never make contact with his brother…even if that's what his future held, it was ruining the moment of this for him.

His movement to get his arm up from under Alphonse woke the younger blonde and he blinked blearily up over his shoulder at Edward. All Ed could think to do was apologize,

"Sorry…I…uh…" he didn't finish because he saw Alphonse realize what he was talking about.

Alphonse blushed, a genuine sort of blush as if he felt embarrassed by this somehow and – to Edward's great relief- did nothing untoward and simply sat up so Edward could get up.

Once he was up he rolled away and slipped out of the bed into the cold making him wince, he started toward the door but stopped when Alphonse spoke,

"Ed…" he sounded half asleep, "…don't shower, just clean up."

Edward was almost out of the room, by this point ignoring the cold floor under his foot because of the uncomfortable tightness in his jeans, he didn't turn around,

"…why?" he mumbled.

"…well…" Alphonse yawned, "…if you're up for it, maybe we can go to North Central Park and do some sparring. It's been awhile and I know you don't like to get outta shape…plus it's not snowing today." He was moving to get out of the bed, Edward could hear him shift.

Edward felt genuine surprise and even the smallest bit of respite at the –brother- like suggestion, he nodded,

"Uh…okay. That sounds great…" he walked out of the room and down to the bathroom.

Alphonse wasn't slow, Edward supposed he should be grateful.

The more they…compromised…the more they could…progress.

He figured this was probably along the lines of Alphonse's thinking.

He shut himself into the bathroom and stared at the bulge in his jeans balefully. He hadn't masturbated in about three weeks, the last time had been in his hotel room in Creta, more than a week before he was due to leave back to Risembool.

He'd been thankful not to wake up like this the last few days but now he had this problem, with an annoyed sigh he went over to the basin, grabbed his toothbrush to start his clean up while he waited like he always did until it went away on its own.

He figured it was his best option. Since he wasn't about to jerk off.

Something about doing that, with everything going on…it just put him off the idea of touching himself.

* * *

He'd been ridiculously hungry once he'd finished in the bathroom, he hadn't eaten since the previous morning's breakfast and his ulcer had eaten through that handful of food within five minutes of Mustang showing up.

So Edward found himself serving his first proper appetite in days with bacon and egg sandwiches, Alphonse had scrambled fresh eggs while he'd been cleaning up and the bacon was from the previous morning.

He ate six sandwiches and had finished a full mug of coffee by the time Alphonse was done washing up and joined him in the kitchen, eating about as much as he did.

It was odd how much good being well rested did the body.

Edward wondered though if he'd be throwing it up later.

Seemed likely.

But he didn't dwell, if he just detached himself from the bad things and enjoyed the good things when he could, he could see if there were away to survive this.

After they'd eaten they left for the park in relatively good spirits.

* * *

The fresh air and exercise was welcomed by them both, Edward knew Alphonse was enjoying it as much as he was. Despite the cold and the fact that Edward would be feeling it in his leg later, it was a great idea.

They took the walk to the park briskly, both able to tell the toll their recent situation had taken on their bodies by how they felt when they reached the massive park.

Alphonse was worse off, he'd been skipping all physical training since he left Xing to return home whereas Edward had only skipped it for about a month.

But it made no difference to how intensely they sparred.

Ever since Alphonse had been well enough to start sparring again in his flesh body, they'd amended their previous form of sparring, Edward had insisted they used touch sparring instead of actual fighting.

Alphonse had insisted otherwise, until he received the very first kick to the gut he'd ever had in his life- at half the force Edward could deal it- and he'd been in pain and bruised for the next few days while Edward apologized profusely and mollycoddled him diligently. He'd been 18 years old then and realized that all the suffering Edward had physically gone through in those years had wrought his body for anything.

Experiencing real blood curdling pain changed a person's ability to take a hit, Ed took punches to the face as if they didn't hurt.

He'd complain about the swelling and bruises later but when it was happening, he hardly noticed.

So while Alphonse quickly regained speed, mass and fighting ability to match his brother's equally, he'd never have the pain threshold Edward did. So they practiced with touch hits instead of proper punches and kicks.

It still left bruises and Edward never used his left leg, but it was intense enough to keep fit.

Their sparring was an efficient blur to the few people walking by, they'd chosen a reasonably quiet part of the park to spar in, they were quick and efficient, blocking, hitting, deflecting and tossing.

Edward hit the wet grassy ground on his back with a laughing groan after Alphonse used his own momentum to flip him, the younger laughed and leaned over, hands on his knees breathing heavily,

"You underestimate me, Edward."

"Can you blame me…you've gotten so skinny I was going easy on you." He teased as he sat up.

"That's insulting…" Alphonse raised a sneakered foot to push Edward back down but realized it was a bad idea.

Edward grabbed his lower leg, using his arms to bend Alphonse's leg at the knee and as he fell forward, hands going out to protect himself, Edward rolled over and up onto his knees, flipping Alphonse in the air so he landed flat on his back, winded.

Edward was still holding his bent leg as he grinned,

"Can you gloat now with no air in your lungs?" he teased again.

Alphonse pointed a finger at him and glared as he tried to swallow some air.

Edward was slightly flush from the exertion and cold to his skin, so was Alphonse, they both felt good, he could tell from the smile Alphonse had even as he managed to take a breath and sat up holding his back…then he grimaced.

"Shit!" Ed yelled making a mother walking by scowl at him when her daughter looked over at the pair of men.

He was next to Alphonse on the grass in a second,

"I forgot about your back…" he rolled Alphonse's long sleeve shirt up to check the bandaged cut.

There was a small seepage of blood visible on the gauze but that was all,

"Fuck..." he muttered as he pushed the shirt back down and helped Alphonse – who was laughing – to his feet,

"It's fine, it just stings, it's not like I'm gonna bleed out." He informed Edward who was paranoid about even a scratch on him usually.

"We should get back anyway, our clothes are wet from the grass and as much as I enjoyed this, I don't want you to get sick…"

"That again…" Alphonse drawled as Edward rushed him up the short grass hill back to the main path.

After some comfortable silence, some limping from Edward and a hitch in Alphonse's back from the pain, they reached their apartment building.

Inside was cold and Alphonse had started shivering at some point,

"Alphonse, you shower first…" Edward said as he locked the front door.

"Ed, could you light the fire in the lounge please…" Al said as he stepped out of his sneakers.

"Uh…yeah sure…"

"Thanks…" Alphonse went off down the hall and Edward watched him go into the bathroom.

With a sigh he walked forward into the lounge and stared at the fire place, feeling an old pain niggle in his chest before he looked at his slightly dirty hands. He missed his alchemy.

He walked down the hall into the kitchen and dug through the drawers until he found a box of matches, he heard the shower switch on in the bathroom and the curtain drawing closed as he made his way back to the lounge, shivering now himself.

The apartment was cold.

He knelt down and set about getting a decent fire started and half a box of matches later it was pretty good, but he realized they'd need more wood soon.

He stood at the fire for a while, letting it warm his leg so it could stop aching before he walked back into the hall, he figured he could have coffee or something while he waited.

He stopped at the doorway, the kitchen had been cleaned up by Alphonse at some point the day before and he looked at his dirty hands, then glanced at the kitchen sink and remembered how Pinako and Winry had both yelled at him all his life for washing dirty hands in the kitchen sink.

With a huff and a roll of his eyes he walked down the hall to the slightly open bathroom door and knocked,

"Alphonse?"

He could hear the water of the shower hitting the tub unevenly around Alphonse,

"Yes?"

He noticed the slight quiver in Alphonse's voice but didn't let it stop him,

"Can I come in for a second, I need to wash my hands."

In the past he'd never have asked, he'd showered with Alphonse in the bathroom many times in his life, changed clothes, he even recalled taking a piss in front of Alphonse quite a few times in his life, but things were different now, it made him act differently.

"Uh, yeah sure…" Alphonse's voice sounded even.

He pushed the door open, the warm steam in the air clinging to his skin as he walked to the basin, pushed up his long sleeves of the dirty sweater and started to wash his hands.

He was busy cleaning under his nails when he realized that the stream of water was steady on the porcelain, like Alphonse was not moving.

As he rinsed the soap from his hands, he glanced up via the mirror to the closed shower curtain around the bath and he frowned,

"You okay?" he said over the sound of the water.

The water spray shifted,

"Y-yeah…I was just wondering…Edward…"

It was like the noise of the bathroom shifted to only the sound of Alphonse's voice just because he knew what usually followed his name in that tone of voice,

"Yeah." He turned the tap off slowly.

"…would you…shower with me? …nothing else…" he amended at the end.

Edward found himself staring at his reflection in the cabinet mirror as he went through the motions…dread, hurt, nausea, anxiety and finally the question he asked his pale, slighter thinner reflection… _could he_ …?

His face looked better than it had the day before and his muscles, despite having cooled down, were humming with good feelings after the needed exertion and even though the turbulence was stirring anew on the inside, it didn't change the answer to the question Alphonse asked.

Could he…?

Could he stand naked in the shower with his younger brother…would it kill him, could he try to stand it…could he get used to it…?

He looked away from his reflection, a brief flash of shame crossing his face…

Yes…he could…so he would.

"Yeah…" he answered quietly and with the slightest start of a tremble, he pulled his sweater up over his head.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I chose to reference laws of Incest in the UK for this
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Snow Patrol

 

 

  
_I've got this feeling that there's something that I missed_  
_(I could do most anything to you...)_  
_Don't you breathe_  
_Something happened, that I never understood_  
_You can't leave_  
_Every second, dripping off my fingertips_  
_Wage your war_  
_Another soldier, says he's not afraid to die_  
_Well I am scared_  
_In slow motion, the blast is beautiful_  
_Doors slam shut_  
_A clock is ticking, but it's hidden far away_  
_Safe and sound_

* * *

Alphonse was having a hard time figuring out what had changed in Edward.

…the morning had started out as though it would be good…but the minute Mustang showed up he was sure –especially after the look Edward gave him in the hall – that there was only going to be more problems and anger between them for the rest of the day.

More distance, more resistance, more setbacks…

He had been incredibly shaken, his insides felt as though they were swimming inside his body when he'd opened the door and seen the General standing there. Mustang had looked severe for all of a second in which Alphonse had seen the astute once over he'd given him as he said good morning, right before the older man's lip had curled up into a familiar half smile…

But Alphonse was already feeling exposed after that look…within that second.

He'd known he was flustered when he first opened the door and he'd known he might as well have been staring at a walking corpse for how badly he paled at the sight of Mustang, there was no way anyone wouldn't notice that.

He'd felt so cold and paranoid it'd taken him a few seconds more to get his bearings and rasp out a greeting and invitation for the older man to come inside…right when the sound of Edward's automail could be heard in the hall and the bathroom door closed loudly.

He did his best to hide the shaking of his entire frame – his mind screaming paranoia about something on his face giving away what he and Edward had been doing…what he had been doing!

He felt like he could cry…right then, in front of Mustang, get down on his knees and apologize for what was wrong with him, beg him to please understand how he felt, the feeling was so intense it startled him. He hadn't even realized he felt so guilty. It rattled him.

But not badly enough to make him do it, he'd instead closed the door quietly after Mustang stepped inside, looking around, looking for something and he wondered if it were Edward or something else. There was no logical way the man could know anything, Alphonse knew that.

It'd been hard to keep his voice steady as he invited Mustang into the kitchen, he saw – and tried not to bring attention to- the wet footsteps trailing along the tiles but he knew the General would see them too.

What surprised him was that Mustang asked no questions about it, he politely declined the offer for a late breakfast as he took a seat at the table but accepted the offer of some strong hot coffee and proceeded to ask benign questions about Alphonse's University proceedings and plans, reminding Alphonse that if he needed anything else he shouldn't hesitate to ask.

He'd forced himself to sit down after making the coffee and talk for the five or six minutes that passed where Edward remained closed into the bathroom, he knew Edward was in there but he didn't think Mustang would know that was the bathroom.

Mustang was smart but he wasn't psychic. Alphonse thanked any god for that.

He'd kept his hands under the table so his shaking was not obvious and he'd made the effort to talk, smile and not fidget too much in his seat…he did notice that Mustang hadn't touched his coffee in all the time they talked.

Alphonse felt relieved when he finally asked –as if he didn't already know- if Edward was home.

It gave him an opportunity to excuse himself to his room.

The entire atmosphere felt rotten, Edward's scent still lingered in his nose and the wonderful taste of his older brother's mouth still sat on his tongue, distracting and guilt inducing while Roy Mustang sat there calmly in the uncomfortable uselessly warm temperature of the kitchen and kept a placid smile on his face.

It grated on Alphonse's nerves quite badly but he nodded in response and used the table to help him stand up steadily, saying he'd get Edward.

He didn't run from the kitchen but he didn't walk either and when he knocked on the bathroom door he allowed himself a few deep breaths to try and calm his frayed nerves.

He just wanted Mustang to leave…nobody should be there, nobody should be in their apartment.

He'd hoped to feel relief when the door opened but his mind would not allow him such a comforting feeling, Edward looked at him as though he had just made  **everything**  wrong in his life and Alphonse truly felt like he had.

He watched Edward walk toward the kitchen and he quickly turned to go to his room, walking inside and shutting the door quietly. He slid down to sit with his back to his door and held his head in his hands, breathing heavily in frustration and biting back sobs but the tears fell all the same.

His stomach was very upset, the shock he'd received at seeing Mustang had started up the painful burning sensation again and he could do nothing about it, he'd become used to it lasting a few hours in the previous days. So he just sat there, still and quietly crying, he could hear nothing from the kitchen…they were probably talking quietly.

He knew Edward wouldn't say anything…but he also knew Edward had a right to if he felt like it.

He would rightfully be the one looked at with disgust and disapproval by everyone, not Edward.

Mustang would probably be sickened by him and the thought made him frown deeply and grip handfuls of his hair, it reminded him that while he may not care about the religious or scientific connotations…the social consequences would always be there, hanging over his head.

As far as he knew, the State laws *prohibited incest between family members of direct lineage and blood relation, regardless of legal age or consent and the minimum sentence for sexual acts between family members was two years, depending on whether the involved people knew they were related…

In this case…they'd probably get five or six years…

Maybe worse because they were well known…as the Elric  **brothers.**

It was scary…the realistic consequences of what they were doing…although they hadn't done anything distinctly illegal yet.

…but in their kitchen sat the General of the State Military…and he knew them well…too well.

If it ever came to being found out...the punishment would be something he'd be responsible for bringing upon Edward just because he was too weak to fight what he wanted and Edward was too weak to leave him for it…the truth hurt.

After a few minutes his tears had finally slowed and his butt was numb from the cold tiles, he stood up and wiped at his face with his shirt sleeves, sniffing quietly as he moved toward his desk and sat down heavily in his chair.

He glanced at the sex education book and frowned, it almost felt like some sort of criminal evidence lying on his desk so he closed it and quickly shoved it in his desk drawer.

The notes inside were all standard and the book was referential at best, Mustang would probably assume he were just gay before he assumed anything worse…if he saw the book.

 _'…he's not here about that, he's not gonna search the apartment…calm down…'_  he sighed and leaned his elbows on the desk, rubbing his temples to try and sooth his increasing headache.

As he slowly calmed himself he folded his arms on the desk and laid down on them, taking himself back to before their moment in the kitchen had been ruined.

Edward had been so acquiescent…it gave him good and bad chills.

He loved the response, the willingness to kiss and be kissed…but he missed Edward beneath the blankness of the person he'd been kissing…that was not Edward.

Still…Edward was underneath it and he was so agreeable it was a little unnerving when he thought about it now.

He knew the night before Edward had basically agreed to go along with Alphonse, as best as he could, but he hadn't expected so little resistance so soon…and he wasn't complaining.

He  _wanted_  this to be simple, he wanted this to be good and he wanted Edward to enjoy it, even if it wasn't because it was with him  _at first_  but just for the good sensation of it…hopefully…eventually he'd enjoy it because it would be Alphonse.

He'd tried his best to kiss Edward in the way Mei had always enjoyed, to do it slowly and attentively, let his emotions channel into it and to caress Edward's tongue so that it could give him goose bumps liked he'd done for Alphonse and Alphonse had done for Mei…

…but there'd been no reaction.

The knock on the door got more emotion out of Edward than his kiss did…and it hurt to know that.

He stared at the desk under his head, inhaling the smell of the new wood and getting more nauseas from it, he turned his head to the side and closed his eyes.

He didn't know when Mustang would leave but he really didn't want to look at that man again, not for a while, he could go without the feeling of being arbitrated by those dark eyes…

Before he realized it, he'd drifted off into an uncomfortable, restless sleep.

* * *

He'd woken up at his desk stiff and irritable.

His arms were numb, his back hurt and so did his neck…adding discomfort to his headache.

It was the middle of the afternoon and he'd ventured out of his room to find the kitchen empty and left as it was that morning, except with paper towels on the floor and Mustang's dirty coffee mug left on the draining board.

He easily assumed Edward was in his bedroom –what else was new- and feeling like it was obvious everything was shot to shit, he set about tidying up with a worsening mood.

* * *

Hours passed, his anger ebbed to sadness and the sun had already set on the cold city…Edward hadn't emerged and Alphonse took little comfort in the deafening silence of the apartment.

He spent the hours sitting on the couch near the fire and reading through some library books Edward had left in the lounge but eventually the lack of concentration and the darkness beyond the curtains made him decide to get a head start on his usual struggle to sleep.

He put out the fire, locked up the doors and windows and switched the lights off until it was just him, the silence and the darkness.

Then he had a long shower and was able to pretend his tears were just part of the water running over his face, he cursed Mustang and himself equally – for making things the way they were- for different reasons.

He avoided his reflection, not interested in pretending to care what he looked like since Edward was avoiding him again.

He did everything idly, passing more time in the solitary quiet of the bathroom –hoping to hear Edward leave his bedroom- he brushed his teeth, dried his hair thoroughly but slowly to lessen his headache and used his relevant toiletries.

Once done he made his way to his room, dressed in a warm pajamas, switched off his light and lay in his cold bed staring at the wall…waiting for Edward to come out or wake up, whichever…hoping he'd stop at the door and ask if Alphonse was alright…he wanted to hear his voice.

But eventually he realized it wasn't likely his older brother would make an appearance and taking a moment to reign in the weight of his emotional ache that hadn't left his chest all day, he gathered up the supplies for his back wound and made his way to Edward's room.

He did need the wound dressed when he slept –and he assumed Edward would assist him in glaring silence- and then he'd just go back to bed and wait until he fell asleep, if at all.

Tomorrow was another day…and maybe he'd have some energy in the morning to try and patch things up.

To undo whatever mess Mustang had made.

But he was fast running out of energy…he'd thought he wasn't weak enough to just except defeat…but maybe he was after all…

He'd knocked on the door and received no response but Edward had ignored him a few times before, so he knocked again, louder…and still heard nothing.

He glanced at the bottom of the door and realized there was no light from inside, so he opened the door to look inside and he realized…with some warm comfort, that Edward was asleep…his head buried underneath his pillows.

He felt guilty about thinking he was being ignored but guiltier still for having to wake him.

After saying his name loud enough, he'd watched as Edward groggily woke up, tossing his pillows off his head – his hair was a fantastically attractive mess- and he sat up, mumbling a response. Alphonse told him about the bandages and Edward shifted again, swinging his jean clad legs off the bed side…and pulling his flesh foot right back up the minute his toes touched the cold floor tiles.

Alphonse smiled slightly to himself as the words 'I told you so' flashed through his mind, he switched on the bedroom light, seeing Edward grimace at the brightness right before he fetched his older brother's unused winter slippers and carried them over, placing them at Edward's mismatched feet and telling him the time.

Edward grouched like he usually did about the shoes but put his feet into them anyway…and grouched some more. He'd never been a morning person…

Alphonse went through the groggy conversation with a sad smile on his face, waiting for Edward to remember the day's events and for things to get awkward. He felt more hurt than he had in a while but not by Edward, instead by everything that he stood to lose if Edward walked out of his life…because he was likely to do that with the way things were going, more bad than good.

Edward seemed to have spaced out or nodded off where he sat, Alphonse felt bad again for waking him…

…he felt confused when Edward patted the bed…

He'd expected Edward to get up, then they'd go through to the lounge where he usually saw to Alphonse's back but instead he patted the bed spot right beside him.

Edward wasn't actually looking at him, he still looked sleepy and his breathing was deep and slow, Alphonse imagined his body would be warm…

He sat down a reasonable distance from Edward, handing him the supplies and turning around, lifting his clothes up as directed by Edward's sleepy drawl.

His skin reacted with faint tingles since Edward's fingers didn't ghost over his skin like other days, instead he pressed and touched Alphonse's back steadily as he covered up the cut…the burn in his stomach didn't agree with the sudden flutter of anticipative butterflies and he had to swallow quietly to sooth his nausea so that he could answer Edward's usual question about the injury.

He tried to distract himself as he sat so close to Edward, asking about the first thing that came to mind; had Mustang said anything.

Edward answered with no elaboration but to the point and Alphonse decided that if Ed wasn't worried, then he didn't have to be.

When Edward was done he tossed the stuff onto the floor and his shoulders slumped, he looked really tired and Alphonse wanted to stay and talk, just try to determine if things were still…okayish between them…but he also wanted to leave him to sleep.

He decided to just ask if Edward was okay as he pulled his upper clothing back down and turned around, at the same time he watched Edward pull the loosened elastic band from his long hair which fell over his shoulders and down his back, slightly tangled and knotted toward the bottom.

He'd been wondering just that morning if Edward would let him do his hair and he saw the chance to ask right then so he did, just as Edward had been about to tie it up again.

He sensed a little tension in Edward's gaze before the older blonde realized what Alphonse was asking…and then he said it was fine.

Alphonse smiled to himself as he started to run his hands through Edward's hair, despite the tangles from sleep, the long locks were glossy, soft…silken and pale in the bedroom light. It felt like smooth thin ribbons between his fingers as he disentangled the knots without hurting Edward.

He'd never had long hair…but he'd watched Edward untangle his hair many times and so he knew how. After a short while it was unknotted and easily manageable so he asked if he could braid it as he stared at the hair he'd let fall against Edward's back. Again Edward agreed and he did what he'd wanted to for so long, separating the parts and interlocking the silky lengths of hair in a pattern to form a loose plait, his fingers braiding easily as if it were so familiar yet he'd never actually done it before…but he'd watched Edward do it every morning for years.

He hadn't even realized how closely he must have watched Edward do this to know how so mechanically…

Toward the end it became thin and he picked the elastic band up off the bed where Edward left it and tied it off, running his fingers over the braid a few times and he sighed, feeling calm…something about the atmosphere was not hostile or tense and it soothed him.

Edward's hair was beautiful, so he told him so with less awkward words.

He liked it like this…he missed it like this between them.

He loved Edward…he loved him so much.

He trailed his eyes up along the braid and looked at the visible tension in his brother's back, Edward was always tightly wound and he knew it probably only made him feel worse.

He didn't want to disturb the peace between them but he took a chance and placed his hands gently on Ed's shoulders, rubbing his palms firmly over the tense muscles, asking if it was okay.

Edward gave him the go ahead and so he fell into the motion, feeling himself relax as well as he rubbed out the tension of the firm muscles under his hands, eventually slipping his hands lower with Edward's permission and loving the feeling of the strong back under his hands.

He closed his eyes as he massaged, listening to Edward's sleepy breathing.

This room had, up until that point, been an awkward place for Edward, he'd seem him hesitate to even come in here sometimes, but now…like he'd wanted, he felt maybe they could mend this bridge.

They could give this bedroom a good memory…

A mutually comfortable memory.

He pushed his needs to kiss and touch to the back of his mind so they were a quiet whisper, insistent though they were, this was more important right then, he loved Edward more than some immature urges.

He wanted the moment to remain…yes, he wanted more, but right then he was content to feel at ease.

He slowly removed his hands once he felt Edward was relaxed enough and he took up the braid again, appreciating the silence for once, the half foot space between them was actually close enough for Alphonse.

It was more than he thought he'd get after Mustang had been there.

And tomorrow was another day…he would try again to seek more from his brother, to get Edward to want more between them but right then…

Edward was comfortable…and it made the pain in his chest lessen just to see.

Having made his choice, Alphonse decided to take his leave, letting Edward know he would be leaving him to sleep if he didn't need anything else.

But the feeling of warmth in his body, from his cold fingers to his cold toes, when Edward asked him to stay was inexplicable.

He'd once again reigned in the burn of desire, the intense feeling of needing to tell Edward how those words made him feel…with a quiet deep breath he calmly agreed to stay, he'd do _whatever_  Edward wanted…especially if it meant Edward wanted him around.

That sort of unrestrained willingness was overwhelming and frightening, realizing how completely he'd give himself if Edward only wanted it. There was nothing he wouldn't do…if Edward knew better he could stop this with the simple words…

…but he didn't know, or perhaps he did know that Alphonse only had as much power as Edward gave him…and he still remained.

Because they'd always needed each other…in different ways now, but to the same end.

They wanted to stay together.

After some silence he offered himself as a presence if Edward needed it to sleep…and was rewarded with the question for him to stay…through the night…to sleep.

And whereas before – in his blind desperation when he'd been dealing with his misery and shame and had been unable to behave maturely, to behave like a sensible human being – he now found it easier to not lose control and so he sought clarification of what Edward meant, unobtrusively and indirectly.

And when Edward invited him to sleep in the bed…for no purpose other than to sleep for the night, he took it for exactly what it was and made no annotations or assumptions.

A minute later, he found himself laying in the dark beside Edward, warmth had encased his extremities and his face was slightly flush just to be lying there…

But he did nothing besides curling up onto his side, not invading Edward's space and choosing to try and sleep with the pillow that smelled of Edward's hair pressed to his face.

Again he was rewarded for his restraint…but his body was run rampant with heat when he felt Ed's hand, light and warm, take a hold of his hip.

Edward moved closer behind him and Alphonse felt his face flush completely as images of a very sexual nature flashed through his mind. He could hardly help it…he dreamed of Edward just about every night…

He would see himself lying beside Edward like this…naked –like the book illustrations showed- with Edward's chest flush to his back, both slightly sweaty and out of breath, their bodies connected, Edward's sex seated deep inside of him. Even then it was a vivid sight in his mind of Edward's hot hand running along his side, caressing and rubbing his skin as Edward moved his hips, backwards and forwards, in and out.

The thought was enough to set his nerves alight with arousal even though he had no idea what the sensation of being penetrated would feel like.

It was like silent torture…the clear fantasy playing back in his mind mixed with Edward's body heat from being asleep now pressed into his back and Ed's toned jean clad thighs spooning underneath Alphonse's own toned legs…as Edward pulled him backwards, closer…and the clothes separating them were not there in Alphonse's imagination…

He shivered and held back a whimper, trying to lay still as his mind provided him with a new image to go with Edward's warm breath on the back of his neck, he swore he wouldn't be able to stay quiet if Edward pressed any closer against him even accidently…Alphonse clutched the blanket and pillow near each hand and swallowed tightly, pressing his legs together to keep his erection flat to his stomach.

He heard Edward ask –over his loud heart beat in his ears- if he could do this…as if there was a possibility of him ever _not_  doing it.

He answered as best he could, a harsh whisper against the arousal singing in his body as he shivered again, he could feel the lines of Edward's body where ever he made contact and it was sweet torture but…also a sort of bliss and relief.

Things were okay between them…Edward's voice was hoarse with emotion…but he wanted Alphonse there.

Alphonse heard and felt the words 'thank you' and his heart felt like it clenched, emotion rushing through him at the true thankfulness he heard in Edward's voice, he shut his eyes tightly and breathed deeply but quietly, enjoying the tingles and rising of hair over his flesh as Edward's pointed nose tickled his neck.

For no reason did he think this sudden closeness from Edward was abnormal…and it was probably because somehow it wasn't. They'd always been close…just like Alphonse had known…all that had ever been missing between them was sex as far as he was concerned.

Edward's next words made him frown, his body still dealing with emotion and desire by making him hot and nauseas and Ed's words only served to make him worry…this was so perfect but it could also be the undoing of everything he'd been trying to achieve.

It was such a fragile and ugly situation.

He was saying so…saying that he was worried they couldn't make something like that work…

But even through his words…his voice scared and quiet, Edward said again that he would try…

Then it was the most beautiful thing to feel but also the least satisfying, when Edward said he wanted them to be brothers…and whatever Alphonse wanted.

Intelligently, he knew that it was not possible…already they were falling apart and with something like this festering their brotherhood bond…they could not keep everything clearly intact…something had to give…

…and it would probably be Edward.

With time…they would be different people…Alphonse knew this with every sickening iota of guilt he felt.

But he still promised. Because how could he not…when Edward was asking him to.

* * *

It was one thing he'd never forget, waking up in Edward's arms, close and warm and without tension.

It was one thing he'd want to experience again…many times in his future.

And it was the very same wonderful feeling he knew he could live with when he realized Edward's erection was pressed against him, although only slightly and not because Edward wanted it there…the feeling was still more than enough to give his own less than alert morning glory a few throbs.

But his promise of the night before was still in mind and intact – still, he did blush as he gave Edward room to remove himself from the bed and he tried not to think about how firm and sizable it'd felt against him.

He sat up then, feeling the ache of misuse he'd been ignoring in his body for a while and the idea struck him quick enough to stop Edward before he left the room.

* * *

The suggestion to spar had been the best he'd made in a long time.

And he truly felt better for it, even if his back hurt from being thrown to the ground for his own mistake of letting his guard down.

They were back in the apartment after a quick walk and he accepted Edward's suggestion to shower first, not giving much thought to the awkward look on Edward's face when he asked him to light the fire in the lounge, he was too cold, his back felt stiff and a hot shower sounded like heaven.

His mind did take a moment to remind him of his fantasy to shower with Edward as he stripped off his clothes, and bandages –the latter he tossed in the bathroom waste basket- and stepped into the tub, but he didn't really see a way to bring that up that wouldn't completely screw everything up.

He closed the shower curtain and turned the water on, stepping back as the water ran cold from the hot tap at first, when it warmed up he turned the cold tap on enough just to even out the temperature.

Alphonse stepped under the water and enjoyed the feeling of it slowly soaking his hair, which was damp with cold morning dew. He ran his hands through his hair until the water had saturated it and then ran his hands over his face…he heard a knock and turned his head so his face wasn't under the stream of water.

He heard Edward call him and he frowned, his mind completely without a sordid thought right then as his cold body warmed up under the water, he answered.

Edward asked permission to come into the bathroom and the oddness of such a request struck him for a moment, they'd shared a bathroom most of their lives, they'd hardly ever even knocked, except for when the other might be using the bathroom for anything besides a shower or urination.

So he answered automatically and heard Edward's footfalls enter the bathroom…and then it struck him...belatedly his mind and body caught up to the fact that things were different now…

And he stopped moving under the water, his ears picked up every sound from Edward as he washed his hands and the question bubbled up inside him but somehow, the bravado he'd had the previous day was nowhere to be found…even the idea of losing this opportunity wasn't enough to make him ask.

He and Edward were finally okay…for the first time in so long…

But then Edward asked…if Alphonse was okay…

And the words fell from his mouth too quickly, sounding awkward and nervous even to himself. He shut his eyes as the water ran over his chest and shoulders, his head leaning back slightly and the warmth no longer felt comforting…because Edward would say no…and things would be so awful between them again…

"Yeah…"

Alphonse's heart skipped a beat and he swallowed thickly, blinking a few times before he wiped water from his face with a shaking hand, Edward had said  **yes**.

He couldn't actually believe it…and he looked over his pale body suddenly self-conscious.

He was thinner, but every define muscle he'd ever had was still perfectly visible, as much as it could be under his fair skin. He was well built, just like Edward. Still he couldn't shake the self-conscious feeling he had as he looked over himself, suddenly every tiny beauty spot he had and his too pale skin was so obvious, his light blonde hair on his arms and legs seemed darker under the water and at the last minute he realized he was turning red from his chest upwards.

 _'…well…'_  he thought awkwardly.

He heard the shower curtain open, his back was faced to the end of the bath were it opened from and he took in a shaken breath when he heard Edward step into the bath behind him…his automail foot making a light clank on the porcelain tub.

He had imagined it so many times…yet now he was a completely nervous wreck.

He ran his wet, shaking hands over his face a few times before turning around slowly…and settling his gaze on Edward.

Completely naked Edward.

He'd seen it before but not recently and  **never**  in this sort of situation with these sorts of feelings.

Considering the circumstances he was surprised when he didn't immediately look over the expanse of Edward's fair naked body, his eyes stopped at Edward's collar bone and went straight back up to his face again.

Edward looked pale faced and his eyes seemed dull but Alphonse noticed Edward take in the fact that they were both shaking. He felt stupid now, big mouth, big talk…saying he was so confident…but being sure and confident were two different things.

And right then he was sure…but completely nervous.

Edward didn't help, he made no movement and said nothing…Alphonse supposed that like with the kiss the day before, it was being left up to him…because this was what he wanted.

He frowned and licked his wet lips as he finally slid his gaze away from Edward's eyes and downward.

Edward was also fair skinned but he'd always been slightly tanner than Alphonse, which made his musculature slightly more noticeable, that and the fact he was currently in better shape. Alphonse looked over his broad shoulders first, eyes lingering on the scars of his right shoulder with affection for his brother's sacrifices. Then he looked over his chest, Ed's fair pink nipples had hardened from the wavering temperatures in the bathroom and his muscles were tensing as he trembled ever so slightly. Alphonse swallowed slowly…already feeling a little warmer in his nether regions as his desires caught up with him, he trailed his eyes over Edward's many scars, especially the one marring his left side.

He wanted to kiss Edward's scars…to show his appreciation for everything Edward had gone through for them to be where they were right then…and he wanted to trail his fingers over the hard lines of his brother's abs…trail his tongue into the shallow dip of his navel…follow that sweet blonde hair line downwards…

His breathing became uneven as he looked further down, eyes stopping and body keening as he commit to memory the sight of Edward's frontal nudity, Edward's blonde pubic curls framed his currently flaccid penis…he'd never imagined himself looking at his brother this way…but it didn't feel wrong right then.

He could feel how hot his face was and he quickly slid his eyes lower over Edward's toned thighs, looking fondly over the scars his brother would always where his automail attached and right down to Edward's pale flesh and automail feet.

He blinked slowly, feeling a little drunk with heat – from his body's desire and the hot water- he looked back up and noticed a breakout of goose bumps on Edward's skin. Logic came to the forefront as he realized Edward must be cold, Alphonse's throat was dry but he managed to speak,

"C-come…under the water…you're cold."

There was not much place for him to move backward so he reached up and adjusted the shower head so the jet spray was focused more toward the center of the tub.

Edward took a breath, Alphonse watched him through the water now falling in front of him before the older man stepped forward, hands coming up first as if habitually testing the temperature.

"Is the water okay?" he asked quietly.

He saw Edward nod subtly before stepping slowly under the water, it soaked Edward's open hair like it had done his own, making it flatten at the top and glide over Edward's neck and shoulders as the water ran over the rest of his body.

Alphonse's body responded as he thought it would, he was getting hard…fast, especially as the water slipped over Edward's lean form, the older blonde had his eyes closed and his head tipped downward under the spray.

Almost in…submission…or defeat.

Alphonse frowned and felt guilty for how much he was reacting to this.

Now that his nerves were calming he really wanted to see how far he could push this…but he didn't...because this was about Edward as much as it was about him…

Edward was being so agreeable and he couldn't figure out why…but he wasn't going to just jump in head first.

He pushed all of his dirtiest thoughts from his mind and reached out under the water, taking Edward's warm wet hands into his own. At the touch Edward raised his head and he slipped one of his hands from Alphonse's grasp to push back his wet bangs and clear water from his face.

Alphonse wanted to pull him under the water and kiss him, press their wet naked bodies together…

…but the fact that they were naked was probably hard enough for Edward…and it somehow seemed like it might be asking too much.

"We'll just shower…" he said quietly, "…m-maybe, if you're okay with it, we could…" he used his free hand to reach down to the tub ledge corner and lift the bottle of bath gel he'd purchased that weekend, "…maybe we could…wash each other."

It sounded simple but it was an intimate act and he saw Edward frown for a second. Alphonse himself had thought about this every so often, he thought it was a good middle ground between, instead of what he really wanted them to be doing…this was not sexual but also non-platonic.

He knew it would be something more than just washing, it was not just bathing, it was bare hands on bare skin.

Bare hands that should not naturally be touching each other's bare skin…

But they'd gone passed that point now…

"I can…start with…uh…I'll go first…" he opened the cap of the bottle and it was a loud noise even with the shower running, he nearly dropped the bottle before he had put some of the green gel in his hand.

He placed the bottle down again stepped forward, Edward stepped back and they found themselves standing closer but still not touching…and the water was beating down onto Alphonse's head.

He brought his gel free hand up and wiped it over his face,

"Could you…" he started but Edward already raised his arm and shifted the shower head backwards again.

The water was no longer touching either of them but neither seemed to think that was priority, Alphonse was warm from his desire driven heat and Edward was rigid, his posture almost offensive.

Alphonse brought his hands together slowly and lathered the gel between his wet palms, swallowing slowly before he raised his hands up between them.

He could hardly look Edward in the eyes, but he didn't have to because the minute he pressed his hands to Edward's chest the older man looked away to the blue grey wall tiles beside them.

Alphonse slowly moved his hands over the expanse of Edward's chest and shoulders, massaging in a way since he knew it relaxed Edward.

He ran his soapy hands downward, over Edward's nipples...then he rubbed them over Edward's tense abs firmly, his short nails grazing the smooth skin lightly. Then up over his sides, downward around to his lower back, slowly. He wanted to step closer but didn't, it took all of his restraint not to bring them together so their sexes could touch.

Alphonse could feel he was almost fully hard, he brought his hands back around and upwards as he glanced between them…Edward's penis was still soft.

He felt a small swell of upset bloom in his chest but ignored it, he washed Edward's arms next and then went back to his shoulders and neck, hands moving slow and sensual as he asked Edward to turn around.

Slowly…Edward complied, his discomfort visible in his face but his body not as tense.

Alphonse added more gel to his hands quickly and also gathered some water in his hands to wet Edward's slowly drying back, the soapy rivulets trailed along Edward's spine as he rubbed his palms over the well-muscled back and he watched as they settled and slid along the cleft of Edward's backside.

His erection was inches from Edward's rear and Alphonse licked his lips at the swell of heat in his groin, he closed his eyes as he throbbed…but again he didn't do anything…

He felt Edward tense when his hands slid low on his back and he got the message, so he instead avoided washing anything too personal – at least this time-

…then, like he had in a few of his fantasies…he bent his legs slowly until he settled on his knees, dragging his soapy hands down the sides of Edward's thighs until his knees.

Alphonse was drunk with arousal, his erection throbbed painfully and his blood ran hot under his skin.

This was better than any fantasy…and never in all his life had he thought he'd want so badly to literally kiss his brother's-

"Alphonse…" The word was choked and very strained and Edward was rigid with tension, "…what are you doing?" his tone clearly stated he didn't like Alphonse being on his knees…or that close to his ass.

Alphonse glanced up at him and then dropped his gaze to Edward's feet, ignoring the discomfort of his knees against the tub and started moving his hands again, over Edward's knee on one side and the other stayed over the textured skin of Edward's scars.

"N-nothing…I won't do a-anything…" he said sounded as guilty and lustful as he felt, "…I'm just washing your legs…c-could you…t-turn around a-gain…?" more heat pooled in his groin, it was becoming uncomfortable.

Edward didn't move at first and Alphonse rubbed his hand over Edward's calf firmly, feeling Edward leg hair smooth out under his palm before he reached his ankle, his fingers sliding over the top of Edward's foot and then slowly back upward again.

Edward was shaking a little worse now.

This really  **was**  intimate…Alphonse was surprised by how it was making him feel, he was amazed he was holding out this well, his abdomen was rife with pleasurable heat that seemed to pulse like waves into his erection…

With some hesitation Edward slowly turned back around, Alphonse brushed his wet hair back and looked up at him, Edward was red in his face and looking stressed as he met Alphonse's eyes.

He blushed noticeably and whatever he saw in Alphonse's face right then seemed to stun him, when he looked away again he looked terrified and…ashamed.

Alphonse was now more or less eye level with Edward's crotch…and he was disappointed to find Edward was still not aroused.

He swallowed down the renewed hurt he felt, it was much more choking than before. He tried to tell himself that it made sense…even it crushed his self-esteem for no good reason.

He brought his hands up over the fronts of Edward's thighs but the hurt in his chest removed the sensuality from his touch. As a last ditch effort he slipped his hands to the insides of Edward's thighs – a sensitive place on any person- and slid them up quickly…his knuckles grazed Edward scrotum…and while his body keened at the touch…Edward jumped in shock and choked Alphonse's name out in a broken scared voice.

Taking a deep painful breath, Alphonse dropped his soapy hands to his lap and settled back on his legs, staring at Edward's feet, a low level of water swirling around them.

He'd always been a confident guy, even if he was shy and polite…but what he felt now was a dark feeling that permeated throughout every inch of his body.

Edward was  **not**  turned on…Edward was  **not**  enjoying this…Edward did  **not**  find him attractive…

He swallowed the lump in his throat and blinked back the pathetic tears he wanted to spill.

"Al-phonse?" Edward's voice was quiet and shaken above him.

He didn't say anything, he had nothing to say…

"St-stand up…" Edward's fingers brushed his shoulder.

Alphonse sighed tiredly and acknowledged the ache of his shins and knees, so he used the sides of the bath –nearly slipping from the soapy texture of his hands- to stand up.

Edward helped, he'd taken a firm hold of Alphonse's upper arms and helped him stand when he saw him slip.

He met Edward's eyes…the older man looked sad and…vaguely apologetic, as if he knew why Alphonse was upset.

He numbly allowed Edward to shift their positions, the space was tight and Edward slipped behind him to change their places…their bodies slightly contacting and Alphonse bit his lip, frustrated and getting angry, while Edward pretended it didn't happen.

He supposed he should be grateful the older man was even doing this at all…but he was hurting…

He turned his sad eyes onto Edward, watching as he rinsed the drying soap off his skin and before Edward reached for the gel bottle. Alphonse stepped back because Edward held his upper arms again and moved him so, as he stepped forward, their positions changed.

Edward put gel in his hand, dropped the bottle to the tub floor and took up washing Alphonse with no hesitation, his warm hands smoothed soap over Alphonse's arms first, then over his shoulders and chest, he even brazenly washed over Alphonse's abdomen and sides.

Alphonse laughed bitterly and stared into Edward's tense…guilty…face,

"Leave it Edward…I'd rather not be washed like a child…" his tone surprised him, it was harsh. He pushed Edward's hands away, his hurt reflected in his eyes even though he had no right to be upset.

His erection was well on its way gone and Alphonse irritably pushed his hair back as they stood there with only the sound of the water running.

"Alphonse…I…" Edward sounded unsure of what to say.

"Leave it…" Alphonse repeated, "…just finish wash up and you can get out, I'll finish when you're done." He could hear the weight of grudge in his voice.

He chanced a glance at Edward, who just stood there and saw his eyebrows drawn together sadly, Alphonse just raised his eyebrows and gestured to the running water.

He'd never felt this  _kind_  of upset…and he knew deep down that it wasn't justifiable…but still…

He'd been taking his time with his hands, massaging…sensually touching Edward, trying to bring him some sort of pleasure…but Edward had simply washed him like he would do to a three year old.

Still, that was not the bigger issue…even though he knew he had no right to  _expect_  a reaction…it hurt deeply to see that he had no effect what so ever on Edward's body.

"W-what do you w-want me to do…?" Edward sounded unlike himself again, he was at a loss and he could see Alphonse was upset, obviously desperate to change that but Alphonse wasn't interested.

"There's nothing you can do…" he said shortly.

"I'm trying…" Edward said quietly.

"You weren't trying…" he said unreasonably and he knew it, his voice broke around the words.

"Alphonse…"

"Edward please just finish up…" he stepped back and turned around to give Edward 'privacy'.

But mostly to hide the hurt etched into his face, Alphonse knew full well he had no right to be angry at Edward, not for the fact that he couldn't get hard and not for the fact that he wouldn't try to turn Alphonse on with his hands.

He knew Edward didn't  _have_  to be doing any of this, no matter what he agreed to…

But it didn't take the hurt away…the pain of indirect rejection…

Two minutes later when Edward left the shower, Alphonse cried.

* * *

For once Alphonse was the source of tension in the apartment, he'd never been upset like that before, the anger had faded and just left the horrible feeling of being pathetic and unwanted and it made him angry at himself...which he was directing at Edward.

He hadn't said a word to Edward since he came out of shower, he was in the lounge with his legs crossed sideways on the couch, leaning back against the arm rest and staring out of the windows behind the couch.

He knew it wasn't  **him** …not in the 'attractive' sense. He wasn't a vain person but Alphonse was aware that he was good looking, just about every person who saw him usually said so in some way or the other, mostly girls and women. But it was still  **him** …for Edward on some level, it was because it was Alphonse.

Edward had no erectile problems, Alphonse was well aware…he'd gotten a feel of just how efficiently blood flowed to that area of his brother's body just that morning…

No…it was him. It was the fact that they were brothers.

He lowered his eyes from the window when he heard footfalls in the hall, he glanced to the hall when he saw Edward standing there out of the corner of his eye.

They stared at each other, Edward looked miserable and gray faced as he walked closer and picked up two books from the coffee table, adding to the one he already held,

"I'm taking these back to the library, they're due back in two days but I need to get other books…have you finished reading them?" he asked softly, his tone a little grim.

Alphonse glanced at the books then back out of the window,

"Yeah…" he answered shortly, he hadn't but he didn't care about the damn books.

He heard Edward walk away and eventually leave the apartment.

Alphonse let out a heavy sigh of frustration and drew his knees up to his chest, laying his head against the back of the couch with a sad frown on his face.

He sat for a while, just replaying everything that had happened in his head.

Things had been going well…Edward was trying and Alphonse knew it.

But this…this wasn't something Edward had all that much control over…as a man he knew that.

Erections came from sexual arousal, comfort, good feelings…none of which Edward felt when they were together under circumstances involving intimacy between them.

He didn't want to cry again but he felt the feeling coming on, so he uncurled himself and got up off the couch, walking barefoot through to the kitchen. He went about gathering stuff together to make himself some tea, also considering a late lunch, it was already three pm.

He was feeling depressed which set back his appetite again, it was frustrating how unstable his moods were.

"Fuck…" he muttered as he stared at the milk carton he held, he could feel it was almost empty and he couldn't even blame Edward, because he was the only one who used it, he should have realized it was getting finished.

' _…I can't even think straight half the time…'_  he excused himself for his forgetfulness and made his way to his room.

A pair of socks and some of his last cash later, he was pulling a coat on and stepping into his loafers at the door.

He made his way down through the lobby and walked out into the crisp air, the weather was better than it had been the last few days, it was still cold but no snowfall threatened to occur, at least not until early hours of the morning.

Alphonse still felt a little awkward in public but not as bad, he mostly ignored anyone who looked at him, even young girls who smiled at him suggestively he couldn't be bothered to acknowledge.

He crossed the street, with the intention of going to the bakery but ended up walking past it.

He found himself walking at least a half hour unnecessarily, just walking off his frustration, reminding himself it was not Edward's fault, trying not to get angry for indirectly causing himself this sort of humiliation.

Alphonse had known how sex worked on a biological level when he'd first slept with Mei and she'd reacted as he had expected.

Her body had been ready for him after some foreplay, she'd wanted him.

Edward…Edward didn't…

He'd forgotten his gloves and was regretting it now since his fingers were stiff and cold, he was glad when he noticed he'd circled around back to the street they lived on and he slipped into the warm bakery.

They were closing up for the day but he grabbed the milk he needed, paid for it without a smile and jogged back across the street so he could be warm inside again.

He was almost to the stairs when someone called him,

"Mr. Elric!" he froze up, his stomach turning with anxious paranoia as he glanced back.

The lady behind reception was waving…a phone at him.

"You have a call…" she said aloud and then put the phone back to her ear, saying something to the person on the line as she annoyingly waved him over.

Alphonse hadn't often wanted to physically harm anyone but this woman waving him over was grating his already raw nerves, he walked across to the reception with quick strides and placed the milk carton on the desktop as he took the phone without so much as a thanks.

He vaguely wondered if it was Edward and his stomach clenched again, he hoped this wasn't some sort of good bye call,

"Hello?" his voice quivered ever so slightly, all the anger drained from him at the idea of Edward running away from him.

_-"…Alphonse?"-_

His anger rose swiftly at the sound of Winry's voice, even though she sounded relieved to hear his voice,

"Winry." He said more steadily as he glared at the milk carton.

 _-"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORRIED I'VE BEEN ABOUT THE TWO OF YOU! HOW COULD YOU NO-..."-_  he pulled the phone away from his ear as the shrieking continued and a few people in the lobby as well as the staff behind the desk raised eyebrows at him.

He held it at a good distance and could make out the rest of her lecture clearly, he waited until she simmered down and said his name again, he placed the phone warily to his ear,

"We've been busy Winry, we-…"

 _-"THAT'S NOT AN EXCUSE TO-…"_ \- he pulled it from his ear again and clenched his jaw.

This was not something he needed to deal with right then, he was already in knots over his own self-induced misery, he was intensely sexually frustrated, Edward was unhappy, Mustang was sniffing around, he had to go out into the cold to get milk for his tea and now Winry was calling and yelling!

He took a breath and he ignored the looks people were giving him, he heard her go quiet again, he placed his ear to the phone and stopped himself from grinding his teeth,

"Stop yelling at me, Winry…" he said with crystal clarity and a rough warning edge to his voice.

Winry didn't say anything.

He had many things he wanted to say to her but nothing so much as to tell her to never call them again,

"How did you get this number?" the question was probably not the smartest thing to ask her, if she didn't go off yelling again, he knew she'd pick up on the fact they were trying to avoid being contacted, or at least he was.

_-"WHAT DO-…"-_

"Winry!" he snapped and she fell silent while the receptionist jumped and frowned at the harshness of his voice.

 _-"I-I was the one to re-route Edward's stuff from Creta to the new address, he probably called the service too late so when his crates arrived here there was already a forwarding address…"-_  she explained, she sounded upset.

That made enough sense, Alphonse nearly hung up right then but he thought better of it, or mostly anyway,

"I'll tell him you called…" he narrowed his eyes and picked the milk carton up, "…and if he wants to call you, he will." He said coldly and placed the phone down on the receiver with a 'ching'.

He didn't spare the receptionist a glance and made his way back to the stairs, clearing them two at a time until he was finally back at their door, jamming his key in the lock and shoving the door open.

Edward wasn't back yet and the library was closed by that time, he slammed the door and walked straight into the hall. As he placed the milk in the fridge he heard the door open again and he straightened, feeling chills of that rejected feeling crawl over his skin.

"Alphonse?" Edward was coming toward the kitchen.

He closed the door of the fridge as Edward came into view carrying two bags, one was a grocery bag.

Alphonse didn't look at him long enough to notice what was in the other brown bag, he couldn't look Edward in the face, so he just turned around and walked to the stove to reheat the water he'd started up before his walk.

"…I ran into Gracia…" he said and Alphonse glanced at him, fingers around the handle of the stove kettle.

Edward was running a hand over his pony tail, "…she invited us for dinner tonight, she seemed a little put out that we haven't contacted her since we've been here…I couldn't turn her down." He placed the bags on the table as shrugged, reaching into the grocery bag.

Alphonse grit his teeth, that was also not something he needed right now,

"You could have said we didn't want to inconvenience her…its short notice or something." He grouched, sounding a lot like Edward usually did.

"I did…" he sighed, "…she said she'd already made dinner earlier…she was at the grocer…" Alphonse saw then that he pulled out a carton of milk from the bag, he opened the fridge to deposit it there when he spotted the milk Alphonse had just bought.

Alphonse felt some sort of amusement mix with his irritation as they looked at each other and both managed a small stupid grin,

"Thanks…" Alphonse sighed, still tense but again reminded Edward was not at fault, "…I know it's not really your responsibility to watch the milk."

"Of course it is, if you need it, I have to make sure we have it…" Edward said in a calm voice and Alphonse smiled, his chest warmed at those words.

"What time is dinner?" he mumbled and took the kettle off the stove, placing it on the wooden counter block.

"She said I should just come and get you and then head over…so…" he glanced at Edward and watched him tip his head, gesturing that they should head out.

He sighed again, glancing over himself and not really caring if his jeans and shirt under his coat were appropriate, Edward was dressed similarly anyway,

"…well at least her cooking is worth it…" he mumbled.

Edward nodded with raised eyebrows and they left.

* * *

Alphonse was  **extremely** upset and Edward wasn't much better.

They had just gotten back from dinner at Gracia's and as it turned out the reason she'd already cooked was because she'd been expecting a guest besides them.

Fucking Roy Mustang.

It had to be bad luck…pure bad luck.

He glanced at Edward, he was grim faced, obviously tired and deep in thought about something.

Alphonse knew it had to have something to do with the short, tense conversation Mustang had had him in on Gracia's balcony.

He'd only been able to see Edward's face a few times and he'd seen his brother go from angry to guilty and angry again throughout the conversation.

Gracia had asked him if he knew what it was about and he'd said no, looking worried and confused because he was while flipping through a drawing book of Elysia's. Apparently she was interested in becoming an artist, she was good enough at it for her age but also young enough to change her mind every month.

The few glimpse's he'd caught of Mustang's face had even surprised him, concern and anger, he was used to both but at some point he'd look really sad and Alphonse had become extremely paranoid. He'd started to sweat as he helped Gracia set the table, it was after that he'd seen Edward get even angrier.

He hadn't been able to hear what they were saying because they were arguing in hushed voices, obviously to be polite but Edward's voice had raised for a moment and he'd looked warningly at the General, looked a lot like he was threatening him.

Edward had then shoved the door open and tried to neutralize the anger from his face, Alphonse saw it but more importantly he watched as Roy watched Edward with narrowed eyes…and then his eyes shifted to Alphonse where he sat on one of the couches.

Alphonse had turned away quickly, Mustang's looks were too probing and he knew he was looking guilty.

Dinner was tense, Edward didn't speak at all and slowly his anger had ebbed into irritation and when they left he completely ignored Mustang's attempt to part on good terms, if only for Gracia's benefit, she'd seemed down the entire time they were eating.

It had been an awful night.

He flinched when he heard Edward's bedroom door shut a little forcefully.

 _'How can so much shit happen in just two days…'_  he leaned against the coat closet door after he closed it.

He made his way inside and into his bedroom to change into his pajama's, he didn't feel like showering again, he wasn't sure he could face the shower again so soon after that morning.

Once he'd changed he left his room again and went through his new nightly routine, he passed the bathroom door, he could hear Edward inside and he identified the sound of him brushing his teeth.

He'd have to wait, so he walked into the lounge and switched off the lights after closing up the curtains and then he locked the main door and as he walked back into the hall he switched off the kitchen light and the hall light.

Edward walked out of the bathroom right then and went straight to his bedroom, Alphonse sighed and walked into the bathroom to brush his teeth as well.

When he was done he left the bathroom and he switched the light off, casting himself into the darkness of the hall, the light from his under his bedroom door was minimal.

The silence of the apartment could really get to him sometimes.

He slipped his hand off the bathroom door handle and ran his tongue over his clean teeth as he walked to his bedroom door…he stopped when Edward's door opened and he leaned against the door frame.

Alphonse blinked at him through the dark, Edward's bedroom light was off,

"You wanna…sleep in here?" Edward asked quietly.

Alphonse didn't know he'd been holding his breath but he let it out as soon as he realized and without an answer, he walked toward Edward.

* * *

Just like the night before they lay close and Alphonse had to fight the urge not to do more than lay still as Edward's nose pressed lightly to the back of his neck and their bodies lay close and almost flush.

Ten minutes went by that way in the dark silence, then Edward's warm breath made his skin prickle with goose bumps automatically when he spoke,

"I'm sorry about this morning…I…I didn't like seeing you look so…I didn't want to make you feel bad…" just like the night before, Edward seemed to use this time to share whatever was going on in his head.

His voiced was laced with emotion.

Alphonse swallowed down the humiliation he felt at being reminded of being on his knees, willing to do anything for Edward's pleasure while his brother had no reaction.

His brother.

He pressed his face into the pillow under his head, his chin was resting on Edward's inner elbow, he chose not to say anything.

Edward sighed against his hair and Alphonse pressed his eyes tightly closed, trying to keep the flush in his face from getting worse,

"I didn't know what to do to make you feel better about it…" he admitted quietly.

Alphonse nearly let his previous anger out, he wanted to tell Edward that washing him as if he were a kid was not a good place to start but instead he sighed as well.

He rolled over, making Edward shift to accommodate him and Alphonse found himself lying with Edward leaning over him, leaning on his elbow while his forearm was still under Al's neck.

Their bodies were still touching and he was semi hard after his best efforts not to over react to Edward being so close. Edward stared down at him, eyes dull and apologetic…but the line of his shoulders were tense.

Alphonse licked his lips and slipped one arm out from under the blanket, he reached up and just for the sake of touch and for the illusion that Edward was… **his** …he placed his hand on Edward's chest and slid it upwards where he let his fingers splay momentarily over Edward's throat before they curled into the neck of his sleeping shirt,

"Kiss me?" his voice inflected the question.

For a long while Edward stared down at him, his eyes looking over their position and Alphonse knew he was worrying about what he might try to get to happen in this setting.

Alphonse hadn't actually thought of that but he didn't let Edward know that, he just wanted to be kissed…so that he could imagine for a moment that things were how he wanted them to be.

Edward swallowed slowly and then leaned down but Alphonse stopped him, using the hold on Edward's shirt neck to do so,

"Please…not like yesterday morning. Don't kiss me like that…" he frowned sadly at Edward.

Now he saw the color drain from Edward's face slightly,

"…how should I…kiss you Alphonse?" his tone was quiet but steady.

There was no point beating around the bush and he said the first thing that came to mind,

"Kiss me like you love me, Edward. You may not…want me like that…but you do love me…" he said quietly but surely, maintaining eye contact.

Edward stared at him, consideration playing over his features in the dark before he nodded slightly.

Alphonse closed his eyes as Edward's lips met his and he was about to eagerly open his mouth when he was stopped by the gentle hand on his cheek, Edward's fingers slipping into the hair at the back of his neck.

Slowly, fully, he pressed separate kisses to Alphonse's sealed lips –the sound of it making Alphonse's face flush all over again.

Alphonse opened his eyes during one of the kisses and found that Edward's eyes were closed.

His breath caught in his throat at the shock of happiness he felt…despite the tremble in Edward's hand on his cheek.

Before long Edward's tongue swept firmly over his lips, Alphonse slowly parted his lips because there was no rush here…and Edward's tongue slipped into his mouth, he kissed him deeply. He gripped Edward's wrist as he raised his head up off the pillow slightly in an attempt to keep up with Edward.

Edward's tongue was lapping generously and slowly at his own and it was making him dizzy…this time it felt like Edward was trying to get a reaction out of him…it was wonderful…

After a minute of Edward kissing the breath right out of him, Alphonse was fully hard and pressing his legs together to try and keep himself from ruining this.

He almost objected when Edward pulled back but when he saw Edward take a few steadying breaths between his colorless lips, looking highly shocked and confused…he chose to stay quiet. Edward looked desperately pale but he eventually nodded down at Alphonse who realized through his glazed over aroused haze that Edward was asking if that was fine, he slowly nodded back.

Edward took another deep breath and with his hand on Alphonse's hip firmly he rolled him back onto his side, Alphonse just went with it and in no time they were back how they'd started.

Edward's breaths on his neck were uneven but Edward was holding him tighter than before.

And after a while the trembles of Edward's body slowly came to a stop and Alphonse's shameless arousal relaxed.

And they fell asleep…in the dead silence of the apartment.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank You to Raiderfaid for your continuous comments and to everyone else as well, I really appreciate the feedback.
> 
> NB: I thought I'd leave note that while I constantly refer to Alphonse's eyes as green, I do mean the colour green/gold, where as Edward has yellow/gold eyes. I thought it might bother some people that I say his eyes are green, I understand details are important.
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to The Used

 

 

  
_Cut yourself in conversation_  
_Cut the line to make me feel alive_  
_'Cause you know I'm not alive_

  
_And leave me with your complications_  
_Take your life, you feel like taking mine_  
_Meeting god we stand in line, not alone_

  
_Trust you'll take the right to leave me_  
_Waiting under dark clouds for the rain_  
_Praying lightening strikes a change_  
_As history gets lost and_  
_As I took that final breath I felt alive_  
_Meeting god to stand in line, all alone_

  
_Nowhere to go, I'm not leaving_  
_Not going, I'm not kissing you goodbye_  
_On my own, I'm nothing_  
_Just bleeding, I'm not kissing you goodbye_

  
_Don't let me go, don't say good bye_  
_'Cause you know that I'm not alive_  
_Don't let me go, don't say good bye_  
_Don't let this love die_

* * *

Edward felt guilty…and nauseas.

The nausea was expected considering his situation but he hadn't expected this type of guilt…not for this reason. He'd started shaking, it was also expected, as he pulled back the shower curtain…hesitating for a second before stepping into the tub.

His fingers trembled as he pulled the curtain closed again and raised his head from staring pitifully at his feet to look at Alphonse, he'd expected to see his younger brother leering at him, after everything that had happened Alphonse had given him the impression he would be eager and bold in a situation like this.

But…he supposed he was wrong. He found himself looking at Alphonse's back, the skin around his slowly healing cut an irritated red after being hurt earlier and from the hot water running over it.

Also he was shaking slightly too…

Still Edward was less than surprised, Alphonse had said he'd only had sex with Mei, he had limited experiences with other people and nudity and where once upon a time seeing Edward naked hadn't phased him, this situation was not like that…it was sexual now and Alphonse was nervous.

It was ironically amusing…how he could be so bold all this time and now he seemed…shy.

Edward didn't smile though, he had not a single feeling to smile in his body, he was extremely tense and he knew that the nerves his younger brother were experiencing would pass, Alphonse would move passed his momentary shyness and things…would probably escalate.

This made him swallow nervously, he didn't know how far he could go…

Just standing there naked was already hurting his insides with anxiety.

He waited…for something to happen and eventually Alphonse turned around, blushing and looking very nervous. Edward met his eyes and was again slightly surprised when Alphonse's eyes started to wander but came up quickly to look at him in his face again.

The sound of the water drowned out their breathing but Edward could see Alphonse's breathing was deeper, more noticeable, his chest rising and falling faster than normal.

After some hesitation Alphonse's eyes finally shifted downwards, Edward watched his face – his blush only deepening- as he trailed his eyes over Ed's bare full frontal.

He saw Alphonse's gaze linger specifically at his crotch and he swallowed thickly, he felt vulnerable and he hated it, being looked at this way by his younger brother wasn't an easy thing to deal with.

Edward could see the lust now clouding Alphonse's eyes…it left him shaking a little worse.

He still didn't really understand how Alphonse could want him this way.

He stopped watching Alphonse's face and for the sake of his lack of understanding he let his eyes wander over his younger brother's naked front. Alphonse had lost weight, Ed automatically noticed this first, it was his default reaction –worry and concern.

But he frowned as he tried…for Alphonse's sake to see past his default brotherly view.

Alphonse's skin was much fairer than his own, it looked smooth, soft and Edward noted it was unscarred, unlike his own, Alphonse's skin was almost completely unblemished.

In the back of his mind he made note that a lover would probably find Alphonse's skin to be extremely appealing, in the back of his mind he also noted that if he had a lover with skin like that he'd certainly find it appealing.

Alphonse was well built, muscled and lean in all the right places, like Edward's own body. He noted that a lover would enjoy a strong, fit body like that and again noted that he would definitely appreciate such a body on a lover of his own.

He also looked over his younger brother's endowment, he was semi hard –Edward's insides curled uncomfortably as he realized this – but his logical thought process again made note that Alphonse's size would probably be much like his own at full length and girth, above average, give or take and Edward had always been appreciated by his lovers for what he had…he figured Alphonse would find the same in a lover.

He could see these things reasonably…but at no point in his mind did his thoughts of –a lover of Alphonse's- and –a lover of his own- cross over. It was a natural mental block of some kind, his mental reaction and his physical reaction did not coincide. Edward's mind  **had**  been able to sync up with his body and allow him to give up a basic physical action –like kissing- but his mind refused to budge on this.

Those lines – at least for him – just couldn't cross.

He looked away from the younger man's body, he couldn't naturally understand it even though he'd tried, he felt a chill on his skin and a moment later Alphonse told him to step under the water, pointing out that he was cold.

He looked at Alphonse and his nerves frayed again, this was the part where he stepped closer…to his naked brother. His stomach was burning now but he kept his face as impassive as possible and after reminding himself he could do this, he stepped closer.

Alphonse was apparently being considerate of his comfort and Edward was grateful as the water spray shifted to the middle of the tub, he quickly stepped under it after checking the temperature with his hands and let it warm his cold, crawling skin.

Alphonse had asked if the water was ok and Edward managed a nod.

He was trying to just drown out the loud beat of his heart in his ears, after this his nerves would be finished.

He felt…scared, he was expecting the worst…

He kept his head down, eyes closed and lips slightly parted to breathe quietly as the water slipped over his face and into his nose.

Nothing happened for a while, not even a sound, until Alphonse's smooth wet hands took his own and in order to hide the slight start he had, he pulled back from the water, snatching a hand back to wipe water from his face before opening his eyes to look at Alphonse through the spray of water.

Alphonse said again that they'd 'just shower' and he found himself frowning warily, then Alphonse continued and started to clarify what he was…expecting.

 _'…wash each other…'_  he repeated Alphonse's suggestion in his mind and swallowed nervously, blinking a few flecks of water off his eyelashes.

Washing each other…involved a lot of touching…touching each other naked.

He was trying to swallow down the acidic burn running up his esophagus at the image in his head of  _washing_ each other's bodies…that was intensely personal, even without sexual acts, it was very…intimate.

It scared the shit out of him…

The sound of a bottle cap popping open jarred him from his pale fright induced haze, he blinked as the green gel seeped into Alphonse's palm –a strong minty smell assaulted his senses, stirring his inner unrest further as the  _comforting_  smell mixed with his anxiousness.

Alphonse stepped closer to him through the water and he automatically stepped backward, his mind insisting he put distance between himself and Alphonse – a natural reaction – to their nudity.

He then blinked stupidly at Alphonse's scrunched up facial expression as water ran over his head and he quickly raised an arm to move the showerhead just when Alphonse begun to ask him.

Alphonse wiped the water from his face and started to lather his hands with the gel, Edward hadn't even realized how tense he was, his body was starting to ache as every muscle he had made individual complaints to the hands about to touch him.

Edward barely acknowledged Alphonse's timid look since he looked away quickly the second Al's hands touched his chest, his heart pounded in his ears and his skin crawled uncomfortably…but he remained still…

…slowly Alphonse's hands started to smooth the gel soap over his chest, it was not unlike that night he'd woken up to warm smooth hands on his chest, except now he was naked and acutely aware that Alphonse was openly aroused while touching him.

His body remained tense at first as Alphonse massaged the gel soap into his skin, the mint smell was aromatic and heady, he'd slept comfortably with that smell lingering around him all of the night before. It was messing with his emotions even though he'd intended to keep his feelings out of these situations.

So as the hands skimmed over his nipples - he tensed- and over his abdomen –ever aware of Alphonse touching him- his senses allowed the smell to calm some of his anxiety, his muscles stopped feeling so taut and uncomfortable. The warmth in the bathroom eased the pain of his automail leg and the steam he inhaled cleared his air passages, the freshness of the mint making his nose tingle.

He kept his gaze, partially relaxed eye lids, on the wall as Alphonse's hands moved to his lower back, it brought them closer and Edward's awareness forced him to glance between them to make sure they weren't close enough to touch. He swallowed uncomfortably at the heat coming from Alphonse's body, as well as at the sight of his flushed sex, fully hard now and inches away.

He managed to meet Alphonse's gaze before it flickered between them…and Edward saw him frown slightly –disappointed- and he knew instantly what Alphonse was looking for, even as the younger man continued to run his hands over Ed's shoulders and arms, face relaxed again.

Edward didn't even understand why…but he felt  _guilty_.

He also felt bothered by the fact he was disappointing Alphonse.

But it was illogical! And it frustrated him.

Alphonse shouldn't  _expect_  him to get an erection, getting turned on meant being sexually attracted to someone in even the slightest way and…for fucks sakes…Alphonse  _knew_ Edward didn't feel that way about him.

He'd said he'd  _try_ …but even he couldn't make that happen.

Still he felt guilty and he frowned to himself…his body was relaxed but his mind was aware.

It wasn't like when he'd been sleeping and Alphonse touched him…he was lucid now.

And unlike when he'd kissed Alphonse, his body and mind were disagreeing and would not sync.

His body was warm, Alphonse's hands were purposely seductive in their touches, the smell of the mint was calming and because he felt this way, his penis had relaxed and lengthened out – as opposed to when he'd been cold-…

…but he was not even close to getting hard, because his mind would not let him forget that Alphonse was the one touching him.

It was simple yet complicated.

And he should have been relieved because honestly, if he'd gotten hard for his brother's nudity or touch it would have damaged whatever fragile part of him was still partially intact…

…yet he was not relieved…he just felt fucking guilty.

He turned around – nervously- when Alphonse asked him to and the intimate washing continued.

He stared at the condensation of water on the wall tiles, the steam floating around him…then he tensed and his body jerked when Alphonse's hands skimmed just too close to his backside.

His insides were shaking, they'd been in knots all along…but this was getting to be too much.

Still…he took a deep quiet breath and clenched his jaw to stay strong…that was until he realized Alphonse's hands were too low on his legs for the other man to still be standing up.

Edward's breath caught as panic and sheer embarrassment rushed through him, he turned a bright shade of red when he glanced back and saw Alphonse  _on his knees_  looking at his rear.

His nerves were painfully on end and he choked out a useless question of what the younger man was doing, if only to get Alphonse to just  _stop_  doing that. To stop looking at him so closely…and to get off his  _knees_!

Alphonse sounded like he was speaking through a daze, his voice heavy with undertone even as he denied doing anything, or that he would do anything.

Edward noted, feeling ashamed again, that even the crawling of his skin under Alphonse's hands had started to become a background sensation, he was now more aware of the smoothness of Alphonse's palms, the delicacy of his fingers and the way it felt as he moved his hands intimately over every inch of Edward's skin.

He swallowed down a groan of discomfort when Alphonse asked him to turn around again…face front…while Alphonse was _still_  on his knees.

 _'…I'm not sure I can do this…'_  he thought for a moment but even though he told himself that, he knew he could, like everything else he'd done so far, it was doable.

Edward felt as Alphonse's hand trailed down to his ankle and he couldn't help a small breakout of goose bumps on his skin; Alphonse's fingers were applied to his skin to provoke sensation and he'd just reacted to it.

Shaking and with every nerve on end and sensitive to Alphonse's hands, he turned around again.

He was still flush with shamed embarrassment, anxiety curling in his sore stomach…he was facing Alphonse now and he  _unthinkingly_  looked down.

What Edward saw hurt him…it actually physically hurt his chest when it constricted with shock…

Alphonse looked a picture of sexual abandon…flushed, needy…licentious and Edward felt a lump form in his throat as the word 'beautiful' came to mind.

Alphonse was beautiful…

Alphonse's hair was wet and had been pushed back from his face at some point, making it spike untidily, his lips were pink and slightly parted, face flushed and his skin looked warm and smooth. His eyes were very expressive of his need, scaring Edward with an honest look that told him if he said the word Alphonse would probably do  _anything_  he wanted, the younger blonde's lips quivered ever so slightly…

It was Alphonse, beautiful…on his knees with that quivering mouth inches from his cock.

But…but…it was still Alphonse…

And his mind wouldn't let him forget that…even if his body was confused...

Edward did not miss the most disturbing sensation he'd ever felt, a sordid curling of strong aroused heat pooling in his groin right when he'd noticed how close Alphonse's parted eager lips were to his sex…but it lasted only a second before intense nausea washed it out and he looked away from Alphonse's open expression.

Edward felt like he couldn't breathe, his lungs were being so stubborn.

 _'…he's my brother…he's my brother…what…I…'_  he didn't like what he'd just felt…it'd been very sudden.

When Alphonse's hands finally started moving again…there was a change to his caress, his hands were a little shaken and hesitant. Edward felt them slide over the front of his thighs and then between and before he had a chance to say anything Alphonse's hands grazed his balls.

His entire body jumped at the –far too sexual - physical contact, however slight and he rasped out Alphonse's name in a desperately pleading voice.

He was shaking too badly and still trying to breathe properly from after his body's recent unexpected reaction and this…was  _really_  becoming too much.

Then there was no contact, Alphonse's hands left his skin but he didn't see the other moving to get up from his peripheral, so he glanced down and saw the top of Alphonse's head, his soapy hands clenched and his forearms laying across his thighs, his sex weeping but not quite as hard as it had been earlier.

He seemed…upset, his shoulders were slouched.

"Al-phonse?" he got no reaction to that and without even realizing it, his subconscious brought forth that feeling of guilt,  _'…this is my fault…'_  he blinked and swallowed, his mouth was dry, "…st-stand up…" he bent his knees slightly so he could touch Alphonse's bare shoulder…

…but his body and mind were still conflicting and he got a body full of goose bumps for his trouble touching Alphonse's smooth skin.

Slowly and with a deep sigh he watched Alphonse start to get up and he moved to help when he saw the other almost slip, he held his bare upper arms until Alphonse was standing level with him, Edward was starting to get concerned…and still feeling like it was his fault.

He looked into Alphonse's face and he knew he probably looked guilty, he felt it even though he shouldn't have. His natural instinct to make Alphonse feel better kicked in and he shifted their positions, not acknowledging the brush of their skin as he stepped behind his younger brother.

He rinsed the soap off his skin halfheartedly, ignoring the ache he felt in his scrotum. It had been weeks since any sort of release and this was his first pang of arousal he'd felt since kissing Winry, except this one had been far more intense considering how emotionally charged it was…and now it hurt.

He kept his focus on Alphonse right then and he knew Alphonse had wanted them to wash each other, his guilt made him hurry to carry out his…duties. He plopped some gel into his hand as he faced Alphonse again, dropping the bottle disinterestedly and on auto pilot his hands went to touching Alphonse skin, efficient to wash but negligent of the sensuality Alphonse had applied to him.

Alphonse brought that fact to his attention by pushing his hands away…angrily, he was angry and it momentarily stunned Edward. Alphonse told him to leave it, apparently whatever he was doing wasn't what Alphonse wanted.

And it was true, when he thought about it, clenching his soapy fists…again he felt guilty and Alphonse looked, humiliated, his face looked dejected and he wouldn't meet Edward's eyes.

It occurred to Edward then that Alphonse was taking this personally.

Edward didn't know what to say to that look because this wasn't about Alphonse…not in the way he was taking it anyway.

He started to say something, he wanted to tell Alphonse that it wasn't because of him.

The thought of saying something like that to his  _younger brother_  in this context was so embarrassing he felt a blush rise to his face again, it was frustrating being flustered about something like this.

Alphonse basically told him to get out, extending him the courtesy to finish washing himself but making sure his tone suggested Edward hurry the fuck up about it and leave.

He couldn't remember ever seeing such an angry line in Alphonse's eyebrows, he looked like Edward usually did whenever someone pissed him off…but his  _eyes_  were sad…he looked like he'd just been…rejected.

Edward didn't like that look, it was no better than eyes full of tears as far as he was concerned,

"W-what do you w-want me to do…?" he asked quietly, sounding desperate even to himself.

Alphonse verbally pushed him away and Edward blurted out that he  _was trying_.

Alphonse hurtfully insisted he wasn't but looked like he regretted it.

Edward saw then that Alphonse knew this was not his fault, this was the reality, he should have kept in mind that Edward would not react to him like he was hoping.

Still he wanted to console him, maybe explain –pointlessly- that he had no control over that particular thing.

But he figured it might make Alphonse more upset…pointing out the biggest and most disabling flaw in his plans for them to be together physically. Edward should have been relieved…but he felt too guilty.

This time when Alphonse told him to finish up and leave, he did so…not sure what else he could do.

* * *

He closed his bedroom door behind him and let out an exhausted sigh and the strain his body had taken from that…ordeal, caught up with him.

He'd gone further than he'd thought he could, at first just standing naked in the shower with Alphonse had made his muscles freeze up…but after a while even the feel of Alphonse's hands on his naked skin stopped disturbing his senses.

It'd actually started to feel relaxing.

This was exactly what Alphonse wanted, the less Edward's body revolted…the easier things would get.

It was almost a perfect plan…except Alphonse hadn't thought of the fact that if Edward couldn't get it up…there could be no forward progress.

Edward actually hadn't thought about it either, until now.

As long as he was fully conscious and aware that it was Alphonse…there would be no reaction.

His body had been dead to that side of things all through the shower, completely focused on the discomfort, the immoral and unsavory nature of what was happening to and around him…

No matter how relaxed he became or how sensual Alphonse's touches were…just like with the kiss, no matter how good it was…it was Alphonse…and it stopped there…

…except for at that last moment.

He frowned as he remained standing in his towel and leaning against his closed bedroom door, the apartment was still cold but his bare skin prickled with derision…for his own traitorous body.

The sight of Alphonse like that was apparently something his mind and body both agreed was an incredible turn on.

He doubted it…he truly did, but some part of him was thoughtful -and scared- that if Alphonse had actually gone on to try and get him hard right in that second when he'd felt that arousal…that it might have worked.

Of course he doubted it very heavily. His  _body_  had only entertained the feeling for a fleeting second before rejecting it completely.

But the aftershock of that arousal had lingered in his loins.

Alphonse's face was still in his  _mind_  right then, both the image of him on his knees and the one of him angry and hurt…now only stirring up his shame and guilt…nothing inappropriate.

He walked over to his wardrobes and started to pull out some clothes, jeans and sweater, making a mental note that they'd have to do laundry one of these days soon…while he tried to ignore the way his stomach burned.

The physical pain had fallen into the background for a while but as the air cleared and his mind did too, it came back full force.

After he dressed he took a moment to just sit on his bed, not made since that morning.

He took a moment to digest everything that had happened…everything that didn't happen.

Everything that might never happen.

He had a few worries – for Alphonse's happiness- and he had a few fears- for himself- with regards to what had happened in the shower.

He knew that either this would make Alphonse pull away from him…which hurt him to think of.

Or this would only make Alphonse recalibrate his efforts…which scared him to think of.

After all…the alternative to Edward not getting it up…could mean him being on the receiving end…

If he was honest with himself- considering everything up until that point- he doubted it would go that way, at least not at first, Alphonse gave off the impression he wanted to be on the bottom–he blushed a bright red thinking about it.

Still, he wanted to try and mentally prepare himself for anything but really, it was futile and hadn't worked the last time. There was no way to prepare one's self for something like what he was dealing with…

He heard Alphonse's bedroom door shut loudly and he pressed his face into his hands, elbows on his knees.

He figured what he was feeling right then was probably how guys felt when they couldn't get it up for a lover, guilty and worried. He didn't feel embarrassed though, because his equipment worked fine, it was not a biological fault, it was the outside element that was not…sufficient.

Thinking of Alphonse as insufficient made him angry at himself.

And he was sure Alphonse would punch him if he knew Edward had ever thought such a thing.

He was still surprised by how personally Alphonse had taken it…

He sighed and walked over to his desk, he wanted to steer clear of Alphonse for a while, he wasn't used to an angry Alphonse and he seemed a little volatile.

Edward stared down at his still mostly untouched first blue print draft and picked up the still sharp pencil as he sat down.

Even though he was distracted…he tried to get some work done.

* * *

A half hour later he let out a frustrated sigh as he got up and walked away from his desk, tossing the pencil over his shoulder in irritation,

"Fucking Amestrian Classic architecture bullshit…" he grumbled to himself.

He picked up the library book that was on the floor beside his bed, he needed to go to the library so he might as well take the other books back.

He made his way out of the room once he pulled some socks on and tied up his dry hair, he was pleasantly surprised at how warm it was outside his bedroom, no doubt from the fire burning in the lounge.

 _'…I should buy some more firewood while I'm out…'_  he mentally noted as he walked into the kitchen and glanced around, he could see they still had bread and he knew there was food stuff in the fridge that hadn't been used, still he walked over and checked.

He gave the juice cartons a shake and decided they had enough until tomorrow or the next day, depending on how much they drank and then he lifted the milk carton and it was almost weightless.

He didn't bother throwing the carton away, he just closed the fridge and mentally noted he needed to buy milk as well.

He walked out of the kitchen and stopped at the lounge entrance, his detached state of mind was pressed by emotion when Alphonse glanced at him dismissively.

He sighed quietly and walked over to the coffee table, grabbing up the books, asking Alphonse if he was done with them only to be dismissively answered again.

Under any other circumstances he would have been pissed off but he really didn't feel as justified as he should.

It was only Alphonse who could make him feel guilty for something he didn't do wrong.

Like when he'd beaten Shou Tucker half to death because the sick bastard turned his innocent daughter into a chimera, Alphonse had made him feel bad about the potential brain damage he might have inflicted on the man –before they found out Scar killed him.

And every time he'd thrown Ling out of their room for running up a room service bill he would have to pay.

When Winry cried just because she didn't like Edward fighting…and Alphonse would tell him to be more careful around her.

It always pissed him off  **and**  made him feel bad…usually.

Now he just felt bad.

Only Alphonse had that sort of hold over him.

He didn't bother to say good bye, he figured he'd be ignored, so instead he just pulled on his coat, slipped on his shoes and left the apartment.

* * *

He sighed moodily as he walked up the stairs from the lobby to their apartment floor, he had two bags in his arms. One was a grocery bag with milk, Alphonse's favorite chocolate and his two library books on the countries old architecture stuffed inside it and the other was a bag from a hardware store which carried some blocks of fire wood.

He was mostly moody because he'd run in to Gracia Hughes, with Elicia, now about nine years old, walking beside her around the grocery store. They'd been in the cereal aisle when he was just passing through it to get to the check outs.

He was both pleased and annoyed at running into Gracia, it was good to see her looking well and Elicia as well, but on the other hand, his ulcer was demanding food and his automail had started hurting as the temperature dropped outside.

She had held him up.

Asked how he was, how Alphonse and Winry are doing –not mentioning that he didn't look well- and he simply lied through his teeth with his best forced grin that everything was great.

She asked how long they'd been in Central and then was confused about why they hadn't contacted her after he told her.

This was where Edward found his patience running thin, when she invited them to dinner that same night and even though her food was wonderful and he was hungry…he wasn't in the mood and he doubted Alphonse was either.

Elicia was insisting they be at dinner, hands on her tiny hips, even as he said that it would probably hassle Gracia to make dinner for them with such short notice. Gracia, sweet and accommodating as ever, just waved a hand and informed him that she had already cooked that early afternoon and there was more than enough food.

She'd left him no option other than to smile and accept, so with his fake smile in place and a wave to the two of them, he made his way out of the grocer and home to fetch Alphonse like she'd insisted.

He wasn't looking forward to it and he doubted Alphonse would be either.

* * *

He'd thought it would be a bad night when he'd walked into the kitchen and Alphonse had still looked pissed off…but for once in his life, milk had served a purpose and broke the uncomfortable tension between them.

It wasn't much but the slightly amused smile on Alphonse's tired face had been much better than a self-deprecating scowl he'd had since the shower that morning.

Edward was surprised by how easily he brushed away the uncomfortable chills he got when he thought back to that morning, something was definitely wrong with him if Alphonse's conditioning was working so fucking well. Or maybe it was the fact that he was a broken man…as Mustang said.

Maybe he just no longer had the will to fight what he had to face.

His body was already starting to give signs of surrender…he wondered how long before his mind followed?

What would it take…?

But he didn't want to think about all of that when they had a dinner to get through.

They'd taken a cab to Gracia's since she lived quite a distance and Edward's leg was hurting, he didn't feel like walking in the cold early evening.

Gracia's apartment was warm from a healthy fire burning in the lounge, the brick fire place outer frame was lined with pictures of the Hughes family, Maes Hughes grinning from ear to ear in every one.

Edward was amused at seeing himself and Alphonse –still in his armor- in one of the pictures taken during dinner years ago, all of them smiling –while Edward did something sort of like it.

It made him slightly sad when he thought about the past…and how short he used to be…

There was also a photo of Hughes and Mustang, obviously taken during some leisure time since they were out of military uniform and looked rather drunk and silly.

Edward had actually smiled at seeing the picture of bastard Roy Mustang looking so ordinary and not smug…that was until he showed up to dinner.

There were no smiles after that.

Edward hadn't even thought it was odd that Gracia had cooked so much food so early in the day, but when the General showed up and Gracia announced her other guest had arrived, he felt exactly how he had the morning Mustang came knocking on their door.

Sick…sick…sick.

Alphonse wasn't any better and he'd almost fallen onto the couch he was standing by when they both heard Roy Mustang greeting Gracia at the door.

They shared a look but Edward couldn't hold Alphonse's worried gaze, he'd broken out in a sweat and was swallowing desperately trying to wet his throat.

Any appetite he'd had was gone.

When Mustang walked into the lounge area Edward had barely spared him a glance and only mumbled a greeting, he didn't even care that Gracia heard how hostile he sounded. Elicia made a loud happy exclamation welcoming 'Uncle Roy' and Alphonse as usual gave his best and most polite greeting, calling Mustang  _sir_  but his tone wasn't quite as chipper as usual.

The tension was so bad Edward even heard Elicia asking her mother in a hushed voice why everyone was so upset after a few minutes of the awkward silence.

The smell of the foods being heated up had made his stomach turn so Edward picked up his glass of untouched red wine Gracia had poured for him and made his way to the balcony doors.

It was cold outside but he preferred it right then to claustrophobic atmosphere inside.

His skin felt dirty with all of the lies and secrets he was walking around with and once again Mustang kept glancing at him, constantly and he was hard pressed not to swear at the older man just to release some of his anger.

So he stood outside on the balcony -without a coat- and he shivered as he leaned on the railing, after a minute he let out a deep sigh and drank the wine in two quick gulps, holding on to the glass because it was quite windy up that high.

His ponytail whipped around into his face as a chilly gust came up and he swore under his breath as he snagged the strands from his face irritably with his fingers, pushing his bangs aside only for them to be blown back into his face.

Everything was just shit…as if his life hadn't been shitty for long enough…as if he didn't have enough problems…Mustang was being so persistent.

He clenched his jaw when he heard the balcony door open and he didn't want it to be Mustang or Alphonse, he'd prefer if they both just left him alone right then.

But no such luck,

"I didn't know you'd be here." Mustang made a sound like a hiss after his words as the cold wind blew up again, "Should you be out here in the cold Edward, aren't you  _sick_?" he said the last word sarcastically.

Edward closed his eyes, biting back all the swear words that he wanted to yell out,

"If I had known you'd be here I definitely wouldn't have fucking come…" he shifted his jaw from side to side in irritation and glanced at Mustang where he leaned backwards against the railing beside Edward, "…why are you even fucking here, is it just my bad luck?" he looked over the older man, dressed in casual warm clothes, dark colors.

He was glad his voice was steady and scathing, this time he hadn't been almost caught kissing his own brother so he wasn't rattled to the bone with guilt or shock, he was just thoroughly pissed off.

The day's events had wound him tight and then emotionally tired him out…and now  _this._

"I have dinner with Gracia quite often actually…"

"Moving in on Maes Hughes widow, bastard?" Ed said without thinking, it should have been said in a joking tone but he just sounded accusing.

He glanced at Mustang when there was no answer for a while and saw how tightly his jaw was clenched before as he spoke,

"I'm not going to dignify that with a response." his tone was cold now.

Any pleasantries were shot to shit and Edward felt it was better that way.

Mustang was an indirect employer –he had also been an implicit friend all these years- but he was too close to this for comfort, Edward didn't need him sniffing around, so he thought it was best to push him away.

He was used to distancing himself from people to hide his secrets…

Neither of them said anything for a long time and Edward's teeth were chattering now, he folded his arms around himself while leaning on the railing, staring down into the dark streets.

Mustang's voice was unsure, worried, when he spoke quietly,

"Are you really sick, I mean…Alphonse doesn't look well but you look worse…is it because…" he trailed off and Edward knew that Mustang was looking at him, his bangs hid most of his face though. Mustang sighed as he stepped closer and leaned on the railing to look down at the streets.

Edward looked at him sidelong since they were almost shoulder to shoulder, he sensed some sort of seriousness to the forthcoming question,

"…are you…um…" the older man sighed again with a sad frown, "…did you find out that your terminally ill or something?" he said very quietly as he turned his head to stare straight into Edward's pale –confused- face.

He honestly didn't know what to say at first, Mustang actually looked really worried and sad, he sputtered for a second, making sounds as his lips moved and his head shook lightly. Then he just closed his eyes and pressed his hand to his face as he shook his head again, calming himself so he didn't start yelling about stupid bastards,

"…the fuck Mustang, no, I'm not dying you dumb shit…" he mumbled through clenched teeth, "…what the hell…" he sighed.

For a moment he almost laughed, wondering if maybe he should have said yes to that question to throw off any possible trail. But seeing Mustang's face just now told him that saying that he was dying would not do to get rid of the man. In a way he understood how the older man drew that conclusion, if Edward were dying, it stood to reason Alphonse would get sick from the news.

He heard Mustang make a frustrated sound -laced with relief at the end in the shape of quiet sigh. Edward looked back up at him and then with another shake of his head he looked back down at the streets,

"You're such an idiot." He mumbled as more of his hair blew across his face.

"Then what is it?" the question was soft and sincere, Mustang still stood close and sounded like he really gave a shit, Edward's teeth were clenched together to stop the chattering and he felt so small all of a sudden.

But he couldn't say anything,

"…maybe I'll see a doctor or something okay…I don't know…" he lied in a quiet, unconvincing voice, holding himself a little tighter, feeling guilty.

Edward expected more words from Mustang to try and convince him to talk about it but he hadn't expected a hand –no doubt meant as a comfort or reassurance- to settle lightly between his shoulder blades.

He blanched and jerked away from Mustang, eyes wide and skin crawling…

He realized after a few blinks that Mustang was wide eyed and frowning as well. He didn't understand his reaction just now…the only thing that came to mind was that Mustang was the first person to touch him…besides Alphonse…in recent days.

And the unexpected contact…just didn't feel right, it was like his body didn't want to be touched. He'd been forcing himself to let Alphonse touch him…this was obviously one of the side effects…he didn't want to be touched at all if he could help it.

"…s-sorry…" he raised his hand slightly as he apologized, "…just, don't touch me okay…" he added and hated how Mustang seemed to be looking right through him, obviously drawing up his next verdict based on this recent development.

"Edward…" his voice was firm, "…what the fuck is going on with you? Something  _isn't right_ , just tell-…"

"Just mind your own fucking business!" he said loudly and almost broke the glass in his shaking hand when he clenched his fingers, he didn't yell though since Elicia and Gracia didn't deserve to be dragged into this.

"Do you really not think you can trust me with  _whatever_  the hell is going on, Ed?" Mustang asked sincerely.

"It's not that simple…" he said without thinking and Mustang picked up on it,

"Have you done something? Something illegal…are you in trouble? Is Alphonse in troub-…"

Edward's anger flared and he gave Mustang a warning look,

"Alphonse is fine, there's nothing wrong with Alphonse…" he noticed Mustang's eyes narrow at the strain in his voice, "…it's just none of your business…just drop it damnit Mustang…" his voice had lost its edge, he sounded tired again.

He turned to go back inside, it was his only option to get away from the older man.

"Ed!" Mustang used his commanding officer tone but Edward was immune to that, he always had been, regardless of whether he was military or not anymore,

"Shut up." he snapped quietly and pulled the door open, walking inside quickly and going straight to the fire place.

His leg ached like fuck and his stomach was in knots…and he so badly wanted to talk to someone…

* * *

Dinner had been made with great care by Gracia and shared with three ungrateful guests who had brought their problems into her home…as if she hadn't seen enough shit from the three of them over the years.

Alphonse had tried his best to talk pleasantly through dinner, entertaining Elicia's conversation pieces and Gracia's, Mustang added a word only when spoken to directly and Edward knew he was being rude but he couldn't muster up anything better than a sound of response whenever he was asked a question or included in the conversation.

On top of that he had barely eaten any of his food and he knew Gracia had every right to be offended.

Still, she wasn't and she said goodbyes to the three of them sounding as though she'd love to have them again when really they didn't deserve her kindness.

Edward still couldn't do much more than mutter a thanks to her, ignore Mustang's stiffly stated 'goodbye' and then finally he snapped for Alphonse to hurry up while he walked away from the Hughes apartment.

Alphonse promptly obeyed…he was grateful for that.

He was also grateful that his younger brother didn't ask him a single question about the conversation on the balcony, he could see all the way home in the cab that Alphonse was thinking about it, a light frown on his face, he looked upset…but he said nothing.

Edward wasn't in the mood to talk anyway.

If he'd ever said he hated Mustang and hadn't meant it, this time would be the one.

The bastard was insufferable and got it in his head that he needed to give a shit about them. Ed knew he shouldn't complain about someone genuinely caring about them, they didn't have many people like that but they didn't need that right now…

…what they needed now was a miracle, for Alphonse to wake up tomorrow and say 'Ed, I don't want to fuck you anymore.' And all would be right in the world, hell, he might even take Mustang a gift basket and hug the son a bitch if that happened.

But it wasn't going to.

He spared another glance at Alphonse once they were inside the apartment taking off their coats, he looked upset, just about as upset as Edward had been…but by now his own anger had faded…replaced by the emotional fatigue that no amount of sleep could remedy.

He couldn't even be angry at Alphonse…even if this was all his fault…he just didn't feel anger towards his brother, only sadness…and love.

He realized then that not once that day had he even felt the resentment, or the bitterness…he'd gone through the physical motions of dealing with Alphonse's sexual advances…but hadn't had any significantly bad feelings over it.

 _'…shit, I must really be fucked up…'_  he knew it, he was entirely fucked up…Alphonse had broken him.

He walked into his room and shut the door, going about changing his clothes without even acknowledging his body's pains or stresses, he was tired and it was night time and all he wanted to do was fall unconscious into sleep…

He changed into a loose pajama pants and a long sleeve sleeping shirt and then ventured out of his room, wanting to brush the taste of bitter red wine and sweet roasted chicken from his mouth.

He didn't look at himself in the mirror as he brushed his teeth; instead he stared blankly at the counter top, listening to the sound of light switches going off through the fucking  _too silent_  apartment.

He rinsed his mouth out when he was done and dragged his sleeve across his lips to dry the cold water clinging to his skin as he walked out of the bathroom and straight down the hall to his bedroom.

He closed his door behind him and switched his light off, then paused where he stood as he listened to the sound of water running in the bathroom.

 _'…Alphonse._ ' He stared at his cold bed, he was aware of his tired sore eyes and his head ache, plus all the rest of his aches.

He listened for a minute and eventually heard Alphonse click off the bathroom light, he swallowed lightly and reopened his door, stepping out and leaning against the door frame.

He saw Alphonse stop at his own bedroom door…and he looked about as happy as Edward did, not at all.

"You wanna…sleep in here?" the words left his mouth easily, he sincerely wanted Alphonse to sleep next to him like night before. They'd both slept well and he was looking forward to another night of good rest, even if it didn't last long into the next day.

Wordlessly Alphonse made his way into the bedroom and Edward felt a sense of sadness fill him, there were so many things wrong with this arrangement.

There was so much wrong with how much he was looking forward to burying his nose into Alphonse's hair…

…Edward –very grimly thought- maybe he understood in some ways what Alphonse wanted from him, it was just a more advanced and extreme version of what he wanted.

He might not want to have a sexual relationship with Alphonse, but holding him the way he did in his bed left a calm and ease in his body that was not something he should feel for his brother.

All this time…had he been oblivious to it? Settling for hugs, lying on Alphonse's lap while they read books in the Rockbell's den, sharing a bed whenever they had bad dreams…

…now that he could hold Alphonse like this and not feel like he was doing something wrong…he wanted it very badly.

He pulled Alphonse back against him the way he'd done the night before and Alphonse shivered again, but took the liberty of snuggling closer and this time…Edward felt a pleasant tingle run across his skin once they were comfortable.

He breathed quietly against the back of Alphonse's neck, he could still smell faint soap on his skin but there was a mixture of a day worn quality to it.

He thought back to that morning in the shower, he knew he couldn't apologize for…disappointing Alphonse, but he could apologize for the situation in general, so he did. He told Alphonse he was sorry about that morning, admitted he hated making Alphonse feel bad like that.

It was true, his words were honest, if he could have helped it he would have tried to spare Alphonse the obvious blow he took to his self-esteem…of course it would have come at the expense of himself, but he'd take that if he had to.

He didn't even bother to be surprised at how sincere he was in saying that…

Alphonse tensed beside him and curled further into himself and Edward realized he'd just dredged up the younger man's feelings about earlier so he sighed and told Alphonse that he hadn't known what to do to make him feel better.

Alphonse was still tense and Edward thought he heard him huff quietly, he drew his eyebrows together in silent apology, just then Alphonse shifted to roll over and Edward pulled his arm back slightly to lean on his elbow.

It left him leaning over Alphonse a moment later, their faces reasonably close and a flash of discomfort crawled up his spine but he smothered it and kept his face neutral, his body and mind already syncing up, expecting  _something_  to happen.

He didn't even realize how subconsciously alert he was to it…

He tried his best to remain outwardly calm as Alphonse gently ran a hand over his chest upward to his shoulder – his stomach was unsettled slightly. Part of Edward was curious about whether he'd have a new reaction after what he'd felt in the shower…but his body didn't react to the touch even as Alphonse's lukewarm fingers brushed over the front of his throat and it tickled just slightly before he felt a tug at the neck of his shirt.

The hand stilled and Alphonse looked up at him passively and asked him for a kiss.

Edward's mind clarified for him it would probably be like that morning in the kitchen, Alphonse didn't want a peck on the lips, he wanted a proper kiss. His body reacted inwardly, his stomach lurching lightly and his skin crawling only just…Edward also considered what could happen…since they were in bed.

He blinked slowly as he stared down at Alphonse, he had on a poker face, none of his emotions visible and Edward found it a little unnerving, especially with the silence in the apartment and high wind sounds making their way inside from the cold weather outside.

His stomach slowly stopped turning and he let out a quiet breath, looking over Alphonse's face before settling his gaze on his brother's pale straight lips, he leaned down…but met resistance from the hand at his neck.

He frowned and looked at Alphonse, heart beating a little faster with anxiety in preparation for what he was about to undertake now wasted, he noticed the sad frown on Alphonse's face as he asked  **not** to be kissed like Edward had done the last time, the older man held his breath.

His anxiety started up again slightly since this new angle presented his body with unfamiliar stress for the time being. Alphonse didn't want a kiss like before…what then? Edward felt he knew but he asked anyway, his discomfort slowly seeping into his expression but his voice was calm,

"…how should I…kiss you Alphonse?"

The answer did bring about the familiar feeling of blood leaving his face, his skin felt prickled with cold from the depth of those words.

Kiss me like you love me.

That was…a feeling of a different kind for Edward, a love of a different kind and Alphonse wanted it tainted between them. He loved Alphonse more than the younger realized…he doubted such a feeling could be conveyed through something as simple as a kiss…and he knew it shouldn't be conveyed between brothers in such a way at all.

But…could he…kiss Alphonse as deeply as his love ran?

Could he convey the all-consuming feeling he had that he would not be happy even for a second if anyone took his brother from him, the feeling he had to kill anyone who ever laid a wrong hand on Alphonse. The emptiness he felt when he saw his brother unhappy or hurting…so deeply hurting him that he'd do  _anything_  to make it okay.

Could he? No…he couldn't express the depth of his love through a kiss…but he could try. So he would.

Edward's heart beat felt small in his chest, he felt like a part of him was about to be let go…and Alphonse would get to keep it…and even though he shouldn't be allowed to have it, Edward wanted him to.

When he pressed his lips to Alphonse's there was no shock at first…just numb detachment…like his mind and body were prepared for.

He knew how those lips felt, what Alphonse tasted like, kissed like, breathed like against his face.

So he was prepared for that much…

But when emotions were involved detachment was not really an option.

As he said he would…try to convey how much he loved Alphonse in the most sordid way possible between brothers, he pulled back for a moment to look at Alphonse's relaxed face, green-gold eyes closed, Edward closed his eyes as well. He frowned lightly as his heart beat sped up and he kissed Alphonse sweetly, automatically bringing his hand up to cup Alphonse's cheek and slide his hand into his hair…because it made him feel good, Alphonse's hair was soft between his thin fingers.

And with every slightly wet kiss he placed to Alphonse's lips, he repeated in his head the mantra of  _I love you Alphonse_  and the words reverberated through his mind, egging him on and Alphonse was returning his sweet kisses, breathing shortly and excited through his nose.

After a short while Edward found the mantra change to one simple sentence  _If it's a kiss that'll make you happy…'_  a quiet challenge to himself as he gave in.

His tongue slipped out smoothly, wetting Alphonse's sealed lips confidently and when they parted for him he shut out every single mental objection his mind threw at him…and he kissed Alphonse in a way he would later think of as passionately.

Alphonse's shaking hand took a hold of his wrist after a while and it brought him back from his slip of mind, all at once he was rushed with a pain through his mid-section that stopped his breath.

He was practically laying on top of Alphonse and kissing him…noisily and it was wet slow.

But it didn't matter, Alphonse was kissing him back, wriggling slightly and the kiss was explicitly sexually provoking and…it was hot and Edward's hand was shaking where he held Alphonse's face…

He tilted his head so their mouths were angled slightly different and he played the tip of his tongue teasingly against Alphonse's, drawing his brother's eager tongue into his own mouth before he sucked on it slow and slick…then he realized what he was doing…

…and he pulled back with a lung aching quiet breath. And many more followed, his mouth open in a shocked silent gape while he ignored Alphonse's glazed disappointed expression and felt the heat in his face.

 _'…that was not what I was supposed to do…'_  his head ached as he realized he'd gone from kissing Alphonse tenderly and lovingly to tongue fucking his mouth…

…and that fucking slow dark heat was making his balls ache again, heat settling in his groin pleasant and steady…in a way that by all rights should have signaled the start of an erection…

…but it didn't get much further than that…Edward was ready to panic…but it seemed about as far as his body was willing to go because even though he ached, even his inner thighs seemed sore and sensitive, the part that was meant to channel all those reactions…remained limp.

He didn't understand how come…but right then he was actually grateful and Alphonse didn't know any better.

And after a minute nausea rekindled and the ache ebbed slowly.

At this point however, Edward realized that the nausea was so minimal it was barely noticeable…

It made his heart sore…because this was becoming too easy…so quickly…and now…he was feeling things…

He blinked down at Alphonse, his lips actually looked properly kissed after what Edward had just done and it made him frown guiltily to see Alphonse licking his lips.

He needed to lie down and the question of whether that was fine for Alphonse fell out of his mouth in a shaken mumble.

Alphonse just nodded.

Edward pushed him back on to his side abruptly and settled himself back into his comfort position, breathing all of his shame and stress onto the back of Alphonse's neck and holding him tighter and closer than before.

He was shaking…nothing new and he shut his eyes tightly, holding down a sob with clenched teeth as he wondered one question like an echo inside of his aching head.

_'What the hell is happening to me?'_

* * *

Despite taking an hour to fall asleep the previous night, Edward still felt relatively well rested when he woke up the next morning. He lay there for a minute, breathing quietly still mostly asleep, he could hear storm winds blowing outside.

Edward inhaled and exhaled quietly, noticing his arms were numb again.

As he came around a little clearer and cracked an eye open he also noticed that Alphonse was sleeping facing him, then he noticed Alphonse was breathing sleepily against his neck…then he noticed their legs were slightly entangled, one of Alphonse's partially between his own and they were laying almost flush against one another.

He closed his eye and raised his eyebrows, about as much shock as he could muster being as sleepy as he still was…and honestly what was the point of freaking out…

He no longer thought it really mattered after laying awake for an hour the night before trying to figure what possessed him to kiss his younger brother like that…unprompted.

Or was it? Could he blame this on Alphonse's affliction…affecting him?

He groaned quietly, turning his face so his breath ghosted over Alphonse's forehead when he sighed, he didn't have the energy to worry about that right then.

He wanted to pee…

"Alphonse…I have to get up…" he mumbled against Al's forehead, "…Alphonse…" he said again with a lazy sigh, bringing his free arm up from under the blanket to shake Alphonse's shoulder slightly, he was still asleep on Ed's other arm even though he was facing a different way.

Alphonse inhaled sleepily against his neck and the arm over Ed's waist made itself apparent as Alphonse sleepily shifted,

"Ed…did you say…something?" he mumbled out in a sleepy slur.

"Hm…I said I need to pee…you're on my arm…" he mumbled back, eyes still closed.

He frowned slightly when Alphonse didn't say anything for a while,

"Hey…wake up already…" he complained, sounding more like himself than he had in while.

"I'm awake…" Alphonse sounded awake.

"I need to pee…" he complained.

"How bad…scale of 1 to 10?" he sounded like he was smiling.

Edward made a face and huffed against Alphonse's forehead,

"What difference does i-…"

"Because it's warm here…and I'm comfortable…" he said matter of factly, "…so, how bad?"

Edward's face softened out and he smiled slightly,

"…like a 3…or a 4…" he mumbled.

"You can wait another hour then…" Alphonse got comfortable, his arm tightening around Edward's waist in a strangely natural way.

Edward opened his eyes slowly and stared at the wall behind Alphonse, the room with dim from the bad weather beyond the closed curtains.

 _'We're laying like a couple…'_  he thought to himself, taking in his physical state, minimal nausea –could just be from hunger- no head ache, no ache in his leg…no chest pain…

He stayed put, it was warm and they had nothing to do that held any urgency what so ever.

Edward felt himself drift in and out of sleep for a short while before Al's voice made him open his eyes,

"You asleep?" he asked quietly.

"Hm…" Edward responded, eyes half closed as he stared at the wall.

"…did you wake up with an erection?"

Edward's eyes widened instantly and he frowned, blushing slightly,  
"…what the fu…n-no…I…don't think so…" he said honestly, he hadn't been aware of it if he had.

He was relatively wide awake after that, he didn't bother to ask why…he figured –and felt worried- because he knew it had something to do with the shower and the…lack of result.

After some long seconds of silence and wind from outside howling, Alphonse spoke again,

"Can we…can we try again…?"

Edward's frown deepened,

"T-try what?"

"You know what…" Alphonse sounded annoyed at having been asked.

Edward blinked rapidly at the wall,

"Uh…you mean showering together?"

Alphonse sat up suddenly and glared at him,

"No, I mean try to get you to get an erection, Edward." He said so plainly Edward just stared at him for a moment.

A hundred things he wanted to say never made it to his mouth, things about why that didn't make sense, wouldn't work and was really awkward but instead he just said,

"How the fuck do you intend to do that?" sounding about as annoyed as Alphonse, also irritated by the rush of pins and needles in his arm now that Alphonse was off it.

Alphonse had the decency to blush and Edward cleared his head,  
"Alphonse I don't think that's-…"

"What turns you on?"

Edward's relaxed body tensed very quickly at the sleep mussed sight of his brother talking in a low bedroom voice. That was something he hadn't expected,

"…uh…" he frowned, feeling panic set in quickly.

"Calm down…" Alphonse said quietly and Ed swallowed nervously, the younger blonde was leaning over him.

He sighed and Edward saw him glance away and then back to him,

"What do you like…?" his hand pressed very lightly to Edward's chest and he glanced at it like it was snake.

He shouldn't be surprised but he was, he knew this would happen, Alphonse would want this, push for it…but he was still stupidly surprised…and all of the aches and pains that had been at ease were renewed.

"It's not that simple Alphonse…eh!" he grabbed Alphonse's hand after the younger man pinched his nipple,

"…you don't like that?"

"Fuck…stop it okay…it's  **not**  that simple…" his voice sounded like a desperately scared croak rather than a firm statement.

Alphonse appeared to be taking a calming breath and Edward was too, absently clenching his stomach muscles against the pain running rampant through his chest and stomach, he wanted to remain as impassive on the outside as possible because Alphonse looked so calm.

"You…don't want to try, huh." He said softly and his hand shifted so his fingers slipped in between Edward's own, their hands resting on his chest, "…you'd rather not because that means…you'll never have to…" he stared straight into Edward's eyes.

Edward didn't feel guilty about it because the answer was simple,

"You know it doesn't work like that…attraction is important…" he saw brief hurt cross Alphonse's face as he tried to pull his hand away, Edward clenched his fingers to keep a hold on it, "...you  **know**  what I mean. Your plenty attractive Alphonse, shit, you know that. I don't have to tell you…" he sighed and squeezed his fingers over Alphonse's, "…but me being…attracted to you like that, I'm just…not…"

"You felt absolutely nothing yesterday in the shower…" he said irritably, "…fine okay, I saw that…" he sounded angry at that and Edward wasn't about to tell him different, "…but…but…I didn't even touch you there…maybe you'll feel something…if you let me…"

"Alphonse…" he just said his name because he didn't want to hear what suggestions Alphonse could come up with.

"Ed you said you'd try." he stated firmly.

Edward frowned and let out a shaken breath, letting go of Alphonse's hand to push his bangs back from his face,

"I can't make that happen, its no-…"

"I can try to make it happen…tell me what you like." Alphonse re-stated.

Edward was at a loss for words, he was so used to the pains he felt on the inside that he barely cared anymore.

Alphonse frowned,

"…does it have anything to do with me being a man?" he asked as if the idea had just occurred to him.

Edward could have laughed at how that thought only occurred to Alphonse now, but it was not the problem,

"No…Alphonse, it has to do with you being my br-…"

"So you've been with a man before?"

Edward closed his mouth on his unfinished answer and then huffed,

"I need to pee…" he said even though he no longer wanted to.

"Edward, please…" Alphonse laid his head on Edward's chest, "…just tell me what you like and I'll do it…"

"That's too fucking weird Alphonse, I can't do that…" he said firmly and it was true.

It was bad enough he had to do anything but to say what he liked a person to do to turn him on…to his brother…for his brother to do…he shuddered.

"Fine…" Alphonse somehow managed to shift almost snake like, rubbing himself along Edward's side as he laid down again, pressing a quick kiss to Ed's neck before sucking on his earlobe.

"Al-alphonse!" Edward grabbed his shoulders as panic made him pale.

Alphonse kissed his neck again,

"You don't have to tell me but let me try…if nothing happens I'll accept it…" he said quietly and kissed his neck again.

"No…no I can't…I can't do that…" his mind was screaming at him that he really couldn't permit foreplay from his younger brother, maybe it was  **just too soon**  but he couldn't say yes.

He felt Alphonse's hand on his chest slide lower over his shirt, slipping on to his skin where his shirt had ridden up at the waist, he was going to bolt from the bed but Alphonse laid his head on his shoulder,

"…if you don't feel anything I promise I'll stop…" he mumbled.

He wasn't looking at Edward or he would have seen the tears slip out of Edward's eyes as he shut them tightly, Alphonse's hand slipped below the waist band of his pajama pants…and it was skin on skin.

Edward brought his hands up and pressed them into his wet eyes as he shook bodily, Alphonse was touching him lightly, taking his soft sex into his warm hand and trying to coax some reaction from him.

Edward's mind was black with panic and upset…too much too soon…even if his body really was starting to react to Alphonse, this sort of shock to his system would smother it. But Alphonse said he'd stop if nothing happened…Edward could hear his uneven erratic breathing as he tried not to focus on the hand fondling him.

Knowing Alphonse's hand was touching him had practically immobilized him.

When Alphonse's hand cupped his balls he jerked away from the touch and shifted upward hastily, Alphonse had to remove his hand from his pants and sit up when Edward moved up, he pressed his hot back against the cold wall, it chilled him through his shirt,

"I-it-s not working…fucking stop it…" his face was wet and his teeth clenched.

Alphonse was slightly flustered but for the most part he looked the same as he had yesterday in the shower, Edward completely ignored the guilt, his insides were shaking about as badly as they had been  **that**  night.

He stared at Alphonse and things became strangely quiet between them for a moment, Edward recognized that Alphonse was giving him a betrayed look.

"I-it's not working…" he repeated and spread his pajama clad legs, "…see…" he cupped his flaccid sex through his pants, "…it's…" he stopped talking when Alphonse came closer.

Edward was momentarily confused as Alphonse kneeled between his legs and kissed him, closed mouth on his lips a few times then he stopped and looked Edward straight in the eyes,

"I could use my mouth?"

Edward felt faint all of a sudden and he pressed himself back into the wall,

"…no…no…Alphonse, please, it won't work…" he said, voice a weak rasp.

Alphonse was apparently beyond listening because he grabbed the waist of Ed's pants and tried to pull it down, but Edward's legs were bent up and he used his hands to grab Alphonse's to stop him,

"…just stop it okay…" he tried to be calm, despite how his entire body was strung tight and he was having a hard time breathing.

Alphonse sat back and blinked once before his eyes watered and tears fell freely over his cheeks, green eyes angry and hurt. Edward sat forward and held his face, he kissed Alphonse's lips a few times,

"…I can…kiss you Alphonse, I-I can do that…" it was all he could think to do.

"If I were Winry…" Edward felt hands grab his shirt and push him back into the wall, "…and I offered to use my mouth, your pants would be around your fucking ankles already." He sounded icy and livid.

Edward couldn't say anything to that, it would be useless to waste the breath he was trying to catch trying to come up with a response,

"Alphonse…"

"…and you don't have a problem with men right, so I guess even Mustang would do…" his tone was turning slightly spiteful, words intended to hurt.

"What?" Edward nearly choked on the lump in his throat, he was surprised by how much that sentence disturbed him, worse than the statement about Winry.

"Just not  **me** …oh sure I'm good looking and anyone would be lucky to have me throw myself at them like this…" he pushed his untidy hair back from his face angrily, "…but  **you**  don't want me…"

"Alphonse you're my brot-…"

"I don't give a fuck, Edward!" he yelled loud and clear and then choked out a sob, tears falling freely over his face…

…and Edward realized that he was the same, warm trickles slipping over his cheek freely.

"…you said…" Alphonse was trying to talk around his need to cry, sounding like his throat was closing, "…you said you'd try and give me what I want…you  **know**  what I  **want**...and it doesn't…!" he hit Edward's right knee with an open hand in frustration, "…it doesn't stop with kisses!"

Edward was a  **complete**  mess inside…his voice would have failed him even if he tried to speak, he was just a mixture of pain, misery, guilt and nausea…he just sat there against the cold wall, shaking absently, legs drawn up but apart to accommodate Alphonse, who looked a mess himself.

"…I want to please you too you know…" Al said quietly around a sob and sniff, "…I want to make you feel good…"

Edward blinked a few times when his eyes burned, more tears slipping down his face…

…he wondered what else there was for him to hold on to…

He'd known this was coming…what was the point of dragging it out…?

All it was doing was making them fight…say things they couldn't take back…Alphonse was shaking like a leaf and his pajama sleeves were wet with his endless tears he kept wiping away.

There was just emptiness and pain…like this…it was just awful.

It wasn't a moment of clarity…instead for Edward it was a…breaking point.

His body and his mind stopped fighting him and his focus centered on Alphonse.

It was probably the worst pain he'd ever felt…but it only lasted for a second.

Edward leaned his head back against the wall almost drunkenly; a voice in the back of his mind asked his mother…pure beautiful mother…to forgive him. He blinked and licked the salty tears from his lips,

"…fine…" it was barely audible but he didn't have to repeat himself as he blindly did what Alphonse wanted, insides shattered and nothing left of his metaphorical heart intact as he lifted his lower body, hooked his fingers in to his pajama pants waist and pushed the clothing down.

…without taking his eyes off the ceiling he maneuvered until the pants was  _around his ankles_ , just like Alphonse wanted it. Edward didn't know what to do with his hands as he parted his legs for Alphonse, so he just placed them, shaking uncontrollably, on to his knees…he wasn't even surprised at how severely his legs trembled.

Again he asked his mother's forgiveness, words of apology ghosting through his mind for her.

He didn't take note of how long it took, but his breath hitched and stuck in his throat when Alphonse's mouth could be felt around his limp penis, Edward rolled his head against the wall incoherently, eyebrows creasing together as more tears slipped from his burning eyes. He clenched his hands on his knees, short nails leaving crescents in his flesh knee.

…wet…warm…licking…determined sucking…warm hands touching him…rubbing him…

He swallowed many times at the rush of saliva to his mouth but it was just a threat from his body, there was nothing in his stomach that his raging acids hadn't dissolved last night already…

 _'…I love you Alphonse…'_  he thought through his haze of shame and misery, he made a small gasping sound as his body reacted to a few of the wet, warm sucks, that newly developing heat started to coil at the base of his sex. He didn't even try to stop the audible sob from leaving his mouth, he was aware that he was slightly firmer, his groin had warmed a lot and his pelvic area was sensitive to the hands massaging his inner thighs and the general area between his legs…

He closed his eyes and more tears slipped over his cheeks…Alphonse's mouth felt really good yet…it still didn't get any further than that…he had barely achieved a semi after a few minutes of Alphonse's generous attention and his reactions seems to have bottomed out.

However long they were like that, he didn't know…and when Alphonse finally stopped Edward was in a state of emotional arrest, he was staring at the ceiling, face wet, skin pale and body choosing its times to shiver.

He was vaguely aware of Alphonse sitting up and his eyes rolled downward to stare at Alphonse's face.

If Edward had any feeling left in his body right then he would have been wracked with pain to see Alphonse's expression of dejection and hurt, eyes brimming with tears as he wiped his tear stained sleeve across his wet mouth. He looked broken in his own way…

Edward blinked almost calmly and reached his shaking hands down, sitting forward in order to reach his pajama pants, he pulled them back up over his knees and lifted his lower half to put them back over his waist, covering himself.

Then –with a strange eerie calm in his mind and body-…he reached out to Alphonse who was sitting in the same spot, just back on his legs, firmly he took a hold of his younger brother's arms and pulled him forward.

He kissed Alphonse, short and meaningfully, running his slightly shaking hand through Alphonse's hair on one side, before he pulled back and shifted himself lower on the bed…Alphonse numbly followed suit and eventually they were lying down again like they had been before all of this.

Edward ran his hand through Alphonse's hair continuously, while his other arm was cradling Alphonse's head against his neck,

"I'm sorry…" he kissed Alphonse's forehead, feeling the younger start to shake with sobs, "…I'm sorry Alphonse."

Alphonse clenched handfuls of his shirt as he started to cry loudly, Edward couldn't cry…he was empty…all he could do was console, so he did,

"I love you…" he said quietly, "…I just wish you were happy…" his voice was quiet and his mind distant.

Alphonse cried louder, there were some incoherent words that sounded like he was berating himself and many swear words Edward recognized.

Edward didn't try to understand what was said, he just said out loud what he was thinking right then, a shell of his former self he whispered,

"…I'm sorry…I would have if could…I swear, I promise…I'd give you anything you wanted, if I could…I'll never leave you Alphonse…I promise…"


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NB: -Time Lapse
> 
> -The name CookieBoots belongs to Gaia Online (as far as I know)
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Snow Patrol

 

 

_It's the price I guess_  
For the lies I've told  
That the truth it no longer thrills me

_And why can't we laugh?_  
When it's all we have  
Have we put these childish things away?  
Have we lost the magic that we once had?

_Will you dance with me?_  
Like we used to dance  
And remember how to move together

_You are the torch_  
And it all makes sense  
I've waited here for you forever  
I've waited here for you forever

_In the end, In the end_  
There's nothing more to life than love is there?  
In the end, In the end  
It's time for us to lose our weary minds

_We're lost 'til we learn how to ask_  
So please please just ask

* * *

Alphonse sat staring across the park, eyes lazy, face expressionless and his nose a rose red from the cold.

But his sadness was minimal, he was a little let down, a little disappointed, a little sleepy…but he could still smile…he did whenever Edward smiled at him.

It had been two weeks and a day since what had happened between them in Edward's bedroom.

To think back to it made him slightly sad and nauseas, it brought a blush to his cheeks and he still remembered how he hadn't been able to meet Edward's eyes for about two days after that…but aside from the negative emotions of that memory, Alphonse remembered with clarity his brother holding him for hours after that.

He wouldn't let go…he said he would never let go.

A smile crept onto his face beneath his black scarf and he poured some more of the bird feed he had purchased that morning from its packaging into his hand and then he tossed it onto the grass in front of him for the ducks walking by and swimming in the small lake of North Central Park.

The ones who didn't fly south at least…there weren't very many waddling around.

…that night two weeks back had been so painful and humiliating, he'd honestly thought there would be no way to make things right between them after that. He didn't think he deserved Edward's love or affection, not as a brother or anything else…in that moment- he'd felt so disgusted with himself…and so sore with rejection.

Edward had been a blur in his vision…because his tears had fallen unbidden.

Edward hadn't wanted him to do it. His voice had been scared and pleading, laced with his obvious anxiety.

But Alphonse had insisted, he'd wanted to try…because he wanted his future with Edward to be so that they shared  _everything_.

His dreams…in his dreams of him and Edward…they made love. Or had sex, whichever a person preferred to say, but for him it would be something special…or it would have been if there were a chance it would ever happen.

For that reason he had needed to try…and he'd said nasty things, he was so angry, he felt like Edward was being selfish, felt like he was going back on his word, felt like Edward just didn't like him physically…all of those emotions had been fighting for dominance in his exhausted body and it had made him a mess of tears and  **demands** …

Even though it had been none of those things…and Edward had said so, he'd tried reason, he'd been honest…it truly wasn't so simple…

Alphonse – had he taken a moment to remember that it wasn't as personal as he felt like it was – would have realized it, but instead he pushed…he used his words and exploited Edward's weakness for him…

…until there was nothing left in his older brother's eyes but guilt and defeat…and tears, free falling tears.

Edward hadn't been able to watch –staring dismally at a point on the ceiling, Alphonse had been subconsciously glad for that, he'd watched as Ed slipped his pants  _down to his ankles_  with badly trembling hands…making Alphonse nauseas with guilt for his verbal spite only moments earlier…

He blinked presently as he watched the ducks pluck up the feed from the dull winter grass, his heart still hurt when he thought about the things he'd said and done, he'd acted so childishly, pathetically…and he'd apologized to Edward for hours as he cried, clinging to him…yet no matter how many times Edward had kissed his head and told him it was  _okay_ …it hadn't been  _okay_.

He'd wanted to try and Edward had given in to him…and he still wanted Edward…it hadn't changed...

The moment Edward had given him the go ahead to use his mouth he'd been turned on, in a many of his fantasies he'd imagined himself on his knees for his brother…tasting his brother's natural essence…or vice versa…and in his head the experience was usually full of kisses, touching and need…

…it hadn't been that way…and Alphonse could easily say that trying to get his brother hard that night had been the most awful night of his life…

There was nothing that could match the degrading, pathetic feeling that filled him as he did his best at something he'd never done before, did it how his intelligent mind told him it should be done…and still Edward had remained –mostly- soft. There had been moments at first he thought it was going well, he'd been able to feel it…then it just…plateaued and Edward's thighs had been shivering so badly it was terrifying…Alphonse could have screamed at how suddenly the guilt ripped through him when he realized what he was doing to Edward.

It was over – he remembered thinking- all he felt he could have done then was leave the room…leave Edward and hide his shamed face…his embarrassment…feeling unwanted and entirely useless…

And Edward had had every reason to let him leave, to kick him out even…

…to be disgusted and resentful for being forced…

Edward's skin had been ashen, his body irregularly shaken and his expression empty, Alphonse had seen the irises of his brother's beautiful citrine gold eyes…were now a paler shade…

But still…after all that pain…he'd stopped Alphonse from leaving…when he hadn't deserved to be held…or kissed, he was given both…and more importantly he'd been given Edward's forgiveness.

Edward promised to love him  _always_  and never let him go…to do  _anything_ …

He'd cried for hours…until he passed out from exhaustion in Edward's arms.

When he'd finally been able to drag himself from the bed many hours later- Edward had left him alone in the room at some point- he'd walked down the warm hallway and been greeted in the lounge by the sight his brother sitting near the fire, legs crossed underneath the low coffee table while he sat on the floor, all of his work drawing equipment spread out as he drew up some blueprint sketches.

Edward had looked up when he realized Alphonse was standing there…he hadn't known how awful he looked, but the concern in Edward's face had given him an idea.

It had been surreal in a way, waking up feeling like the world had just kicked him while he was down and then being hugged by Edward close and warm, his hand taken into Edward's –fingers easily interlocking- as he was led to the bathroom and waited while his brother drew a hot bath for him.

Edward had quietly told him to take a bath, told him he'd feel better and then left the bathroom after saying he'd make him something to eat for when he was done.

Numbly – still not fully understanding why Edward was even talking to him- he'd done as told.

His skin had felt clammy and his body ached…truthfully the hot bath did make him feel better at least on the surface and he'd lay there for half an hour lost in self-loathing. He did manage to rasp out an answer when Edward asked him through the door if he was 'okay in there', he confirmed that he was breathing and conscious with a simple 'Yes'…but he wasn't okay.

When he'd finally found the strength to get out of the tub he'd wrapped a large towel around his shoulders and looked at his reflection.

It had scared him how unlike himself he looked…in only a few hours, he looked like he had in the beginning.

He'd noticed the yellowish glare around him and glanced up at the bathroom light, since it was on he'd assumed it was night time. He'd swallowed and tasted the staleness of his mouth…the memories of what he'd been doing that morning would have brought tears to his eyes if he hadn't been so emotionally exhausted, but he did find the strength to reach for his toothbrush.

When he'd finally made his way to the kitchen after going to his bedroom and changing into some warm fresh clothes, Edward had been waiting. He'd made macaroni and cheese, cheese was a variation of milk his brother seemed comfortable ingesting.

Alphonse hadn't been hungry, he sat at the kitchen table…a self-conscious distance from where Edward sat and he hadn't been able to look him the eye.

But Edward had been perfectly gentle and understanding…like they'd come full circle and it was back to the point in Risembool where he'd first confessed his dirty secret, Edward was still the perfect brother, even now.

He'd gently insisted Alphonse try to eat something…said it'd been almost a day since he'd eaten anything.

And like in Risembool, Alphonse had made a minimal effort, his stomach was in a slight but constant state of nausea…but he managed a few fork fulls and Edward had been satisfied.

Edward's behavior had been perfect for comfort at the time…but also hurtful and depressing…

Alphonse had assumed that things would go back to the way they were before…now that there seemed no way Edward could physically give him what he wanted, even if he'd said a hundred times over that he would if he could, Alphonse dreaded the platonic future he was faced with.

Yes, he'd been humiliated…by his own forcefulness and stupidity…but it changed nothing of how he felt for Edward, he still loved him as more than a brother and he still wanted him sexually…and if things had gone differently and Edward had achieved an erection Alphonse would not have stopped until his brother found release…until he'd known Edward felt good…

He would have done anything…

The recent memory still gave him chills…a different sort of chill from the low temperature around him in the quiet park.

His new possible reality of never being with Edward had left him feeling empty as Edward suggested they sit in the lounge after eating, he'd made coffee for himself and tea for Alphonse…once there he curled up on the couch behind the older man sitting on the floor while he continued to work on his designs.

He never touched his tea.

For hours Alphonse lay awake staring at Edward's back in the silence while the fire crackled softly…his heart was so sore, it beat so slowly…he couldn't fall asleep, he'd slept enough…but his emotional aches could not be remedied by sleep.

After a long while the fire had burned down and Edward finally rolled up his work, he turned around where he sat…less than an arm's length away and he'd looked over Alphonse.

The younger blonde had wanted to roll over and curl himself into a ball, he couldn't stand the idea of Edward judging him while possibly thinking of Alphonse's earlier humiliation…

His lips had parted, quivering before he could stop himself and he'd whispered for Edward to please stop staring at him…

But Edward had only moved closer on his knees and kneeled beside him, one elbow on the couch, his free hand soothed through Alphonse's hair and he hadn't been able to help a shiver at the touch.

He'd actually looked at Edward in the eyes for the first time since that early morning…and he'd still been able to see the fade of his irises –apparently the change might have been permanent- the strain was evident in both of them, he should have known Edward had suffered through that as well, just in a different way.

But aside from his eyes…he'd been smiling just slightly as he ran his steady hand through Alphonse's hair.

Alphonse had assumed it was because it was over…

Edward would get better…

Edward had asked him if he felt like sleeping and just because he didn't want to lay there and inhale the scent of Edward's body and familiar coffee on his breath, he'd nodded and moved to get up.

His body had been preparing subconsciously for a cold night in his bedroom…

…but Edward had again taken his hand and led him into his own bedroom.

He'd noticed that the sheets had been changed as he numbly crawled into the place he'd slept in the past two nights, some part of him had been grateful that Edward would let him keep that at least.

If Edward could hold him like that every night…it would probably hurt him and leave him longing...but in the moment it would feel good.

So he'd faced his back to the room and waited for Edward to hold him as he felt the older man get into the bed behind him…when the familiar warm hand touched his hip and Edward's arm slipped around his waist he closed his eyes with a shuddering sigh…but instead of remaining that way, he'd been turned over.

He rolled onto his back, blinking up at Edward in the dark with a confused frown on his face.

Then Edward had smoothed his warm hand over Alphonse's cheek, his thumb had glided smoothly beneath Al's bottom lip, before Edward pressed his thumb against his lips and Alphonse parted them, still frowning, eyes searching Edward's own for reasons to explain the touch and his body heating up despite his exhaustion.

Edward's thumb hooked lightly on his bottom teeth, directing his mouth to open…right before Edward leaned down and slipped his tongue into Alphonse's mouth…

A proper kiss…like the one of the night before…deep, slow…but this time more meaningful.

Alphonse could have cried for how good it felt.

It hadn't been a long kiss but it had been a purposeful kiss…the purpose had been to make Alphonse feel better…and it had.

Edward had said good night afterwards and held him close…he hadn't fallen asleep for hours but he'd been perfectly content to lie there…

Alphonse smiled as a duck waddled closer than the rest and pecked at his black winter boots, he tossed the last of the feed to the grass for the friendly duck and then folded his arms around himself, he wore a warm shirt under a jersey, blue jeans and his coat.

Just two weeks ago he'd felt like he would have to live in denial for the rest of his life, like he'd feared…

But Edward told him differently when they'd woken up the next day, after that sweet sweet kiss the night before that had both confused and comforted him.

Edward had spoken solemnly but honestly, his face clear of stress though his eyes slightly less bright, he told Alphonse that he'd  _come to terms_  with their situation. He admitted it'd hurt him to face it…he admitted that reaching the point they'd come to was both wrong and irreversible…but that he no longer saw a reason to fight it.

It was a nice way of saying they'd crossed a line that night, a line that went beyond a kiss or a touch.

What he'd allowed Alphonse to do to him had been the end of their previous relationship…and he'd said…that going forward, the dynamics of their relationship- emotionally, mentally and physically would always be different.

Alphonse had understood him.

Even a hug…or a hand on a shoulder would not be the same…

The innocence of anything they shared as brothers no longer existed…and Edward had realized it.

He'd accepted it and told Alphonse so…

Yes, they would always be brothers in blood and could still share that closeness in some lesser ways…but for the most part, they could never undo what had been changed between them…

It was scary to have that conversation over tea and coffee while it had snowed heavily outside that morning.

It had been a conversation of a final lamentation…they would never have that conversation again.

They were laying a part of their shared lives to rest…

They would live with what they'd chosen…

And even though Alphonse had shed a few tears during the conversation, Edward hadn't, he'd smiled sadly at him and squeezed his hand…as if to say…you'll come to terms with it too.

It was weird because Alphonse had thought he already had but it was not entirely so at that point, he'd still seen the lines in his mind, no matter how many times he crossed them. But Edward had apparently stopped seeing them at all, even though he hadn't wanted to cross them.

Yes, it had been sad.

But yet, they'd both been a little happier and light hearted since that conversation.

They shared comfortable breakfasts in the mornings as their appetites gained healthy momentum, they also shared conversations, it had been hard to find things to talk about at first…but slowly they'd fallen back into some semblance of normalcy.

They'd started to talk throughout the day, Edward would work in the lounge most of the time instead of closed up in his bedroom, Alphonse found himself helping or reading, sometimes messing around with new alchemy theories or reading through his medical notes from Xing.

He'd started feeling better and Edward –though his eyes showed the damage he'd sustained emotionally- he smiled too and he looked better. Alphonse's back was healing faster the healthier he got, the more he slept and the more he ate.

They spent more time together…like they used to do as brothers.

They went to the grocer together, the library together…they'd even gone sparring together again a few times.

Alphonse stood up from the bench, he'd had to use a few tissues to wipe the snow dew water from it before he sat down but he still checked his pants to see if it was wet.

He walked along the grass until he came to the main path of the park and started heading toward the exit, deciding his morning fresh air idea was starting to give his nose frost bite.

Barely anyone was out in this weather…and with good reason he supposed, it was hardly pleasant.

Although Edward had gone out that morning, saying he had an appointment.

Alphonse hadn't asked questions…the need to ask hadn't come up.

It was strange how now that they'd reached one of the worst points…they were better.

It was like when Edward had decided to join the military…they'd just embraced what they could not change, despite whoever disapproved. This was a lot like that…they were never really truly happy…but they'd been okay.

This was exactly like that.

They'd live with this.

And it was working...they were moving forward and Edward had accepted Alphonse…

The two weeks had passed with their redefined 'brotherly' closeness…but at the same time Edward was not shunning the other side of their new relationship.

Alphonse hadn't been sure in the beginning but then Edward had made several gestures to suggest it was okay to touch…kiss…watch, hold, need…now he no longer had to ask for kisses, touches or attention.

Edward almost never initiated anything –but in some rare moments he would hold Alphonse's hand while they sat together, or he'd hug Alphonse in a way too personal between brothers- most of the time though he simply reacted to Alphonse.

And Alphonse –once he'd realized Edward wouldn't push him away- he'd not been afraid to stand close, or lean or touch Ed's hands, shoulders, waist, neck…he'd lean in for kisses often and spontaneously, Edward always responded in kind…and sometimes Alphonse would try to be cute about it because when he did that, Edward always kissed him back especially nice.

It was like learning 'Edward' in a way. The older man would get goose bumps if Alphonse kissed his neck, he'd kiss hotly if Alphonse made certain noises…Edward loved running his hands through Alphonse's hair so he always conditioned it well and kept his hair looking good these days…

It was all new and scary…exciting and amazing.

There was a completely different side to Edward he'd have never known if he hadn't pushed. And it's not that he felt like what he'd done was right…but he didn't regret it…

…Edward would make the best boyfriend…partner, lover, whatever he chose to be called.

…and Alphonse was living it…he almost couldn't believe so much had changed in such a short time.

Edward was himself…but not really…

Alphonse sometimes wondered, though no longer riddled with unnecessary jealousy, if this was the side of Edward all of his previous lovers knew of…

It had been the sweetest thing one time about a week earlier, they'd been sitting in the lounge, side by side reading and talking into the early morning hours near the fire.

Edward had said something Alphonse had found amusing at the time and he'd looked at Edward beside him, thinking of how much he'd love to kiss him right then…and Edward had looked at him and beaten him to it, leaning in and kissing him lightly on his lips.

He'd spent the next hour wondering to himself how that worked, how had Edward know he wanted a kiss…it seemed like a…couple sort of thing…

Reading your partner's expressions…knowing what a look meant, of course even though he searched for such a look in Edward's eyes he never found it, none of an intimate kind. But Edward managed to know every time he wanted even just to be acknowledged.

It was overwhelming sometimes…loving Edward so deeply and knowing he was loved right back.

Regardless of whether the love was different…it was still wonderful and very real.

Things now seemed great in comparison to how they had been.

And all it took was for them to fall apart…

He'd asked Edward one recent night after they'd just laid down to sleep, if Edward was happier now that he knew they couldn't have sex.

Edward hadn't looked upset, uneasy, laughed or even smiled…he had taken the question seriously and answered honestly…

…he was always so calm since that night…

He'd told Alphonse that he didn't want to have sex with him, if only to keep just the last reaches of their brotherhood intact. That would be the last thing they still kept and to share it would affect them both, either negatively or positively.

He admitted it would affect them differently but Alphonse had believed him when he said,

 _"Sex changes things when the people involved are emotionally connected…and you and I…we're much closer than any two average people…it would change something in both of us Alphonse, for the rest of our lives."_  he'd said it quietly, voice laced with his concern at the idea, while breathing calmly on to Alphonse's neck as he seemed to enjoy doing, their hands together, fingers interlocked lightly against Al's chest.

Alphonse hadn't said anything, taking to heart and mind those words even though he was brimming with disappointment at being reminded they'd never be  _that_  close. He wanted it to change their lives…

But then Edward had squeezed him closer and added,

_"…but I would…if you really wanted it…and I could give it to you…I would…"_

Alphonse hadn't even bothered to blush at what could have been a sexy double meaning to that sentence, he'd been too busy trying to stop his swooning emotions at Edward's selfless devotion.

Edward's entire demeanor toward their relationship was different…and almost perfect…

Edward no longer seemed to have any negative reactions to kisses at all and Alphonse had noticed that when he initiated deeper kisses from Edward, he was always rewarded…Edward left him lightheaded most of the time, Edward sometimes looked a little surprised at himself too.

Touches no longer made him tense, they talked openly about their slowly developing relationship, no stuttering, confusion or denial…

Although…while they slept in the same bed and Alphonse could now get his mouth ravaged whenever he wanted, that was about the extent of sexual contact between them.

They hadn't showered, or been in any sort of nude situation together again, they never touched each other's private areas and honestly Alphonse wasn't sure if he could handle anything more with regards to his self-esteem. Edward's lack of sexual response wasn't noticeable during a kiss…not anymore…but in a situation like showering, where everything was painfully obvious and out in the open, he couldn't pretend that Edward was enjoying it.

So he'd resigned himself to masturbation during his showers or baths, it was all he had left, his only means of releasing his daily sexual build up.

He wasn't a fool, he knew sex between men went both ways, he had seen it in the book and enjoyed it in his fantasies, he'd even seriously considered it just a few days ago when he'd realized again after a minimally satisfying bout of sexual gratification in the quiet of the bathroom, that he would never be the way he really wanted with Edward.

He'd considered the fact that he could be the one to penetrate Edward.

He got erections for Edward like it was fluid motion and from what he'd read, Edward's penis would not be overly significant in anal penetration in terms of pleasure, all that would matter was what Alphonse did on his end and how well he did it…

…he'd even tried to figure out how to suggest it to Edward, his brother was a very intelligent man, he knew Edward had probably already foreseen that Alphonse might make such a request…but he hadn't shown any worry toward it.

Maybe he just knew it wasn't what Alphonse wanted.

Well, at some point he'd like to do it that way too…but in most of his fantasies and from the very pit of his lust, depth of his attraction and bottom of his heart, he wanted his first time with Edward to be…

…he blushed and hid his face in his scarf as he walked along the snowy streets back toward the apartment.

He wanted Edward to  _have him_  for their first time. He wanted to have Edward inside of him, the same way the books –both educational and erotic fiction- he'd been reading told of it. He wanted to know that feeling…the feeling of being fulfilled by the person he loved.

It sounded ridiculous when it was outside of a novel context riddled with romance, emotional effeminate men and sexual exaggeration, but the idea was not so far off. Human nature dictates that a person is either dominant or submissive and very rarely truly both. In all things a man or woman did, the direction in which they leaned could be gauged by their behavior on a daily basis.

It was not about being weak or being unconfident, it was about nature versus nurture, genetic material and individual upbringing.

He'd read all about it and deduced that nature and nurture had grown him…submissive.

He was strong, intelligent and very confident as a person…but where other people he cared about were concerned and sometimes even strangers, he always took a step back, took the polite road. He preferred to let people make decisions and decide afterward whether he thought he agreed or not.

He didn't like having to choose for people, he wasn't…a leader.

It had made him pretty upset when he first realized it but then he'd compared himself to people like his brother, who refused to take orders or direction from people even if they were  _right_ or his former commanding officer. Edward was so strong willed it was scary, he'd never seen Edward look timid or insecure…not in any situation except recently…with himself.

Mustang was the same, although he was more suave about deceiving people into thinking he gave a shit what they thought, but he didn't. He always did exactly what he wanted…in a roundabout way.

Hawkeye wasn't even submissive, even though she followed Mustang around like a puppy, the woman screamed defiance. Havoc on the other hand, he could make a decision if he needed to but it wasn't his thing.

He remembered Mustang once telling Havoc that it was his natural disposition that made women see him as weak and unconfident.

He hadn't understood what Mustang had meant then, but he did now.

Havoc had plenty of dates, sometimes four or five a week…but the women never stuck around long.

Still, he hadn't been entirely convinced he was all that submissive; a few text lines in a psychoanalytical book couldn't convince him of that so easily, even coupled with his natural inclination to step back and let other people take the reins, or his constant fantasies about Edward topping him…

No…he'd been stubborn about it.

Then he remembered how Mei had  _courted him_ …how Mei had been the one to take him to her bedroom in the village, she had planned it, she had the condoms ready, she'd been the one to introduce him to foreplay…

It didn't matter that he'd had Mei shouting his name, expletives and clinging to him within five minutes of the actual sex part. It didn't matter that people always gave him open opportunity to take the lead and boss them around, it didn't matter that people praised him for how intelligent and good looking he was…

He was still naturally inclined to be submissive…he'd never tell anyone that though.

Maybe Edward…maybe.

Maybe if they ever started having sex…Edward would find that attractive, he didn't know.

The books said dominant types often liked to have their egos stroked and their masculinity pandered to by their submissive lovers…but Edward didn't give off that vibe.

All the same, the realization left him embarrassed beyond belief as he'd sat in the bath that day earlier in the week.

But it made a lot of sense now.

And it made the idea of his first time with Edward being on the bottom less appealing.

 _'…why am I even thinking about that…?'_  he sighed as he pushed the door open to enter the lobby of their apartment building,  _'…it's not like there's any way that's gonna happen. Not unless Edward wakes up tomorrow and decides he feels the same way.'_  He snorted at the thought derisively as he climbed the stairs.

He could only remind himself that things weren't so bad…

It was about 11 a.m and he was feeling hungry, he'd eaten breakfast that morning but since his appetite had been restored he found himself hungrier a lot more often.

He was just wondering if Edward would be back as he reached the door and tried the handle, he smiled slightly that it was unlocked.

Edward hadn't said where he was going and Alphonse had assumed he could be gone for an hour or longer, since he'd left after Ed that morning just for a walk he honestly expected his older brother to still be gone.

He closed the door once he was inside, locking it out of habit…something he'd started doing ever since they first moved into the eerie tainted apartment. He stepped out of his shoes, shrugged out of his coat, hung it up and then turned to go into the lounge while pulling his jersey up over his head since the apartment was warm.

He half folded the article of clothing as his eyes fell on Edward sitting on the couch under the window, legs crossed while he leaned against the armrest on the side near the fireplace. He had been reading the book in his lap but he looked up at Alphonse and when Ed gave him a small smile, he smiled right back, dropping the jersey onto the unused single seat couch before sitting down next to Ed on the three seat couch.

"What're you reading?" Alphonse asked with a pleasant sigh as he relaxed and brought his legs up to fold on the couch.

Edward had his eyes back on the book which he'd closed once Alphonse sat down,

"Old book on the Legend Of Xerxes, one I haven't read…" he half rolled his eyes and leaned forward, tossing the book onto the coffee table next to an empty coffee mug.

"You hate reading books that aren't fully proven facts Edward…" Alphonse reminded him.

"Yeah but Hohenheim never did tell us much about the city itself…only about how he fucked it up." He sounded about as chipper as ever when talking about their wayward father.

Alphonse just smiled since he didn't really bother trying to convince Edward anymore that their father wasn't a total douche bag. He glanced at the coffee mug as Edward ran a hand over his pony tail and remained sitting forward.

"How – _Where-_  long have – _did –_  you- been – _go-_  back?" they asked at exactly the same time and then smiled.

"About an hour…" Edward answered first.

Alphonse took a moment, like he did so often, to look over his brother's handsome side profile,

"…I just went for a walk." He mumbled when Edward turned his head to look at him.

He didn't look away, he didn't have to anymore and Edward didn't make him feel bad for it either, the older boy stared right back at him, lazy faced and relaxed as he rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, wearing full black clothes as he preferred, jeans and long sleeve shirt.

Alphonse no longer had overwhelming urges he couldn't control, since the talk he and Edward had had about coming to terms with it, since Edward had accepted it and Alphonse no longer had to fight or scheme for attention, he'd found a level ground to his feelings…Ed was a big help with that.

Simply because he let it be okay for Alphonse to show him non platonic affection and responded to it.

Alphonse only wished Edward felt something too…

He shifted closer on the couch, closing the small gap between them and even though he knew it was a useless gesture, he placed his hand near Edward's knee, sliding it over the denim firmly until it was more toward the inside of his thigh, close to his crotch. Edward didn't even tense at the touch, he'd become either too used to Alphonse's touch or just completely desensitized since what happened two weeks ago.

After all, what was a touch on the thigh compared to what had happened?

Then again maybe…he was just okay with it now.

Alphonse often wished he knew what Edward was thinking…

Since Edward's apologies and promises to always love Alphonse, he'd really changed.

Alphonse was often surprised – and excited- by how couple like they acted recently, what had once been a fantasy was almost completely real now…minus the sex…and just about all other proper sexual contact.

But considering how things could have alternatively turned out…Alphonse was happy with this.

He leaned forward to Edward from where he sat back on the couch and pressed his face close into the side of the older blonde's neck, placing dry kisses over his warm, scented skin. Edward's hand closed around his where it rested on his thigh, a comforting –reassuring- touch to say that what he was doing was okay…it was consented to.

"I bought you something." Edward said quietly.

Alphonse pulled back from his neck, slowly and with a small content sigh, Edward smelled good and he was so warm, he could stay close to him like this forever…and he intended to.

"Is it more chocolate…or liquorish?" he smiled, since Edward tended to buy him something whenever he went to the grocer.

Edward was looking at him, their faces close and he smiled slowly, his eyes looking fondly over Al's face in a way that he knew was regular affection…but with a hand on Ed's thigh he could imagine to himself that look meant more.

"No it's not something like that…let me fetch it…" he patted Alphonse's hand and the younger man leaned back and placed both his hands in his lap as Edward stood up and left the lounge.

He was curious about what it could be but he waited to see it instead of speculating, since his mind was too preoccupied with thoughts of Edward…as always.

Even though he'd come up against the obstacle of possibly never having sex with Edward, at least not how he'd prefer to, he still had hope.

Everyday Edward became more responsive to touches; every day when Edward kissed him he was aware of the subtle changes in the kiss, from what used to be forced tongue play to what was now slow sensuality, even playful, teasing kisses sometimes.

Even if he was doing it just because Alphonse loved it…he was doing it.

And he did it well.

But it was hard to believe kisses like  _that_ …in bed, in the lounge right there on the couch, sometimes in the hall if Alphonse felt bold enough…could continue to have no effect on Edward.

He noticed that while Edward no longer tensed up when touched…

…once or twice…just slightly, he could have sworn Edward's breath would catch or his overall body would react to the sensation of their mouths together rather than under the ever present weight of what they were doing.

Alphonse wished he could test Edward's reactions…but he hadn't bothered to initiate anything too sexual between them since his humiliation…he wondered then –since things were so okay finally- if he should, maybe suggest a shower.

It was familiar enough…

For a second he remembered the image of Edward standing over him completely un-aroused and his stomach lurched with that cold unwanted feeling. He leaned back, legs still crossed in front of him and pressed his hands into his face,  _'…I still haven't gotten over that…'_ he grouched to himself, it had happened so long ago.

But he figured the only time he'd get over it…was if they could make up for it…

It was quite ironic how trying to get Edward sexually aroused would be the only thing to help him get over Edward not having been sexually aroused.

He sighed irritably just when Edward reentered the lounge,

"…Al…" Edward hadn't called him that in a long time.

He removed his hands from his face and looked at Edward walking toward him…carrying a tiny furry bundle of kitten in his arms.

Alphonse couldn't stop himself from gaping and taking a deep excited breath as Edward sat down next to him on the other end of the couch and smiled at him while carefully shifting the half asleep –purring- furball over to Alphonse's waiting hands.

"…Awwwwwww…" he said quietly, he couldn't believe how elated he felt staring down at the lazy, limp kitten now purring against his chest as he cradled it in it arms.

"You don't have to whisper…" Edward said with a small laugh.

Alphonse rubbed it gently behind its ears as he tried not to gush, ever since he had his body back he loved kittens ten times as much as he had in the armor.

They were so soft and adorable.

He continued to make it purr with soft strokes as he raised his eyes to meet Edward's, the older man was leaning against the back of the couch partially facing him,

"You happy?"

Of course that's what Edward always wanted, Alphonse knew, just for him to be happy,

"I can't even say how happy I am…I really get to keep him…uh, her?" he frowned while still trying to convey all of his joy to his brother through his eyes.

Edward nodded, tucking some of his bangs behind his ear,

"Him…we'll have him neutered, we don't need more kittens in a few months…" he made a face then smiled again, "I bought him for you…"

Alphonse blinked at the word –bought- that he now realized meant –paid for.

"Bought it…you paid for a cat? I thought maybe you'd have taken one from an animal shelter…" he looked down at the little fur ball again, taking note of its rich coat and little bright blue eyes blinking lazily.

He realized then it was probably a pure bred cat and not a stray.

"No way, those stray cats always used to scratch the shit out of me, fucking wild little bastards." He complained and reached out to scratch behind a tiny color point chocolate furred ear, "…I researched cats last week at the library then went through the newspaper to find cat breeders. This is a Ragdoll cat, docile and affectionate breeds of cat…" he said quietly now to, since the kitten's eyes had closed again.

Alphonse blinked,

"I thought you hated cats…" he frowned skeptically.

Edward shook his head, his golden eyes still less bright but there was no stress lines on his face or any sign of discomfort, there hadn't been a while,

"I never said I hated cats…we just couldn't have any cats back then and I hated having to take them away  _every time_  you picked one up, you'd get so upset…so I used to get annoyed." He explained quietly.

Alphonse could have cried – good tears- as he looked back down to the kitten, its ears moving around as the fire crackled, even back then Edward had always been worried about his feelings, though he hadn't really had any.

"So what're you gonna call him?" Edward's question made him blink out of his daze.

"Oh…uh…." Alphonse took a moment to look at the cat.

It had pale fur over most of its body but it ears, nose, the tips of its tail and all of its paws were a dark chocolate color, he smiled, "…how about Mr. CookieBoots." He glanced at Edward.

The older man was giving him a look that said 'are you serious' and he responded with a bright smile,

"Look…" he gently pulled out one of the kittens paws from where it'd curled it up under its tiny chest, "…they're almost like boots and they're the color of chocolate cookies..." the kitten politely pulled its paw back and tucked it back under its chest, Alphonse loved the little guy already.

But he loved Edward more than ever.

Edward sighed and leaned back, raising one arm so it was laying along the back of the couch,

"Fine…but it's a long name, I'm gonna call him Boots or something…" he informed lazily, watching as the kitten decided it'd been pet enough and crawled out of Alphonse's arms, leaping off the couch and walking away.

"…wonder where he's going…" Alphonse frowned, looking worried, "…you think he doesn't like me?"

Edward looked like he could have smacked him,  
"Relax would ya, geez don't look all sad like that…" he complained, "…he's probably just going to the litter box or something. I set that stuff up, food and whatever, in your room cause you don't sleep in there anymore…" he explained as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

Alphonse smiled now, sadness for departure completely gone,

"Thank you, he's perfect…I love him already…" Alphonse said sincerely, "…and I love you." He couldn't help say it and he was aware that the voice in which he said it was not brotherly…not even close.

He watched closely to gauge Edward's reaction and he saw Edward glance at him, smiling amiably after a second,

"Love you too." He said in his usual way.

Alphonse's earlier thoughts came back to him…

Since Edward was so much more comfortable, accepting and relaxed…since their relationship was officially changed…maybe he needed to try again…

Boldly, he moved on the couch onto his knees and a moment later he was straddling Edward's lap, looking at him from a slightly higher point sitting like that.

Again he watched for Edward's reaction, the older man had shifted briefly when he'd first lifted his leg over his lap but now that he'd settled, Ed just glanced up, smiling neutrally at him and with a slight frown, as if he were going to say something but didn't.

Alphonse didn't take this as a bad sign, the times these passed two weeks when he'd initiated kisses a little forwardly or aggressively Edward often said nothing, this time was no different, except for the slightly more sexual position, but still hardly anything.

Alphonse leaned forward, placing one hand on the back of the couch and slipping one hand behind Edward's neck, he kissed Edward's lips like he'd been doing a lot, like he would a lover…and Edward responded like he'd been doing a lot, like he was also kissing a lover.

He truly wished he knew what Edward was thinking during their kisses, what was his motivation for kissing Alphonse so amazingly if he felt absolutely nothing.

Alphonse let his hand slide down from Edward's neck, uselessly stroking over his chest and back upwards, his mind suggesting to him that maybe he should try to get Edward hard while they kissed…but for some reason his hands started shaking at the idea…his confidence was not fully intact yet, not enough to grope Edward's crotch.

He pulled back from the wet kiss after a minute, his bottom lip momentarily caught between Edward's lips, he licked his own lips and felt a strong wave of arousal at watching Ed do the same, right before giving him that relaxed cute smile.

 _'…he's so goddamn…gorgeous…'_  Alphonse gushed internally,  _'…and I'm so turned on…why does it have to be like this…why does he kiss me like this if he doesn't enjoy it…?'_  he asked himself as he traced Edward's jaw with his thumb lightly, they weren't distressing or painful thoughts anymore, just wishful thinking and wanting.

A lot had changed.

The steadily hardening flesh in his jeans was distracting and it made him think of something else, something he could try that didn't involve him embarrassing himself again,

"Edward…" he started as he always did with a hint of a question in his tone and instead of Edward tensing and looking worried, he just raised his eyebrows, head leaning back on the couch and his one arm still running along the back, he seemed so casual.

So like himself…yet not.

Alphonse could have asked himself  _'What have I done to my brother?'_  but the answer wouldn't change the fact that what was done was done. They could only move forward…from where they'd left off.

"…just because my touching you doesn't make a difference…" he said quietly, hating to say it aloud as he continued to caress Edward's jaw line with his thumb, sitting in his lap like he had every right to be there, "…it doesn't mean you…can't touch me…" he mumbled, feeling pathetic to say those words while looking into Edward's calm face, "…I mean…only if you would…if you don't want to the-…" his confidence buckled so easily it scared him and he leaned back from Edward.

Edward's hand gently took one his own as he brought his other arm down from the back of the couch,

"You know it doesn't exactly come naturally…I don't sit here thinking about touching you  _like that_ …" he could have been talking about breakfast ideas for how casual he sounded, "…but if you tell me what you want, I told you before I'll-…"

"I know…" Alphonse frowned as he cut Edward off quietly, the older man's promises of all he would give as long as he could just stood as a reminder of what was missing, the main thing he couldn't give…

"Okay…so how do you want me to touch you?" he asked the question quietly, seemingly intimate but it was just a straightforward question underneath the soft voice, as far as Alphonse assumed.

Alphonse couldn't help blushing, answering a question like that would not make him feel better, he hated the idea of saying  _'grope me Edward, I want you to feel me up'_ , that was just ridiculous and he was sure Edward could guess just fine what he wanted…

"…come on…I don't actually have to answer that. You know what I mean…like you would do when…" he swallowed blushing slightly darker, "…when making out with someone…." he mumbled and gave Edward a weak glare as he sat back on his thighs.

Edward kept his head leaning back, hands now holding both of Alphonse's but his expression was unreadable …then something strange happened…

Edward asked his permission.

"I know this is what you want and all that…but you're asking me to…do things without you prompting me, right?" Alphonse just nodded with a confused frown and Edward nodded slowly, "…still…some part of me feels like touching you anyway you haven't _asked_  might be inappropriate…"

It was absurd…this entire conversation had gone right off the crazy end.

Edward was asking permission to touch him…because he didn't want to what? Offend Alphonse?

"Edward…" he knew he sounded as confused as he looked, "…after all of this, after everything…I'm sitting in your lap and asking you to touch me…and your worried about doing something…I'd think is inappropriate?" he shook his head as if Edward were crazy.

Edward sighed and shrugged,

"Yeah well all this time I've been doing what you asked…now you're asking me to just do…stuff…" he trailed off.

Alphonse sighed but smiled,

"Edward, let me clarify…again…that I  **want**  you to treat me like a lover…" he hadn't said that in a while and was amazed when Edward didn't even flinch at the word  _lover_ , "…which means  _any way_  you touch me…is fine…really… _anyway at all_. Do it like when you kiss me…just…with your hands…" He said the last part a little quieter and squeezed Ed's hands.

Edward's kisses had been feeling so natural lately, he really hoped things would escalate from natural to interested…to attraction…to lust...

It was a strange situation to be in though. Edward would do as he asked, only if he was really okay with it…but then Edward didn't actually want to touch him like a lover…so he wondered what would actually happen…

Edward could have been thinking the exact same thing…but his face gave nothing away.

"I love you Alphonse…" he said this often as well, especially before or after they kissed. Alphonse had determined it was some sort of a reminder...to Edward, why he was doing this.

For Alphonse it was always just a small stab of pain in his stomach right before Edward responded or smiled.

He looked up from their hands and he leaned in again, Edward met his lips so naturally they could truly have been a couple, a couple who'd been together for years. The kiss was deep and wet, he'd learned Edward's way of kissing by now and was always trying to find out what –if anything- could get a response from Edward's body when they kissed.

He'd learned that Edward liked sucking motions, whether it was Alphonse's tongue or his lips, Edward indulged himself and Alphonse just thoroughly enjoyed it every time because Ed was so good at it.

They were just between kisses, their mouths separating not all that quietly breaking the silence for a moment before resuming…then Alphonse became completely distracted because Edward's hands slipped from his own and rested on the tops of his thighs before firmly sliding upward and stopping to squeeze near his waist.

Then they slid a little downward and just slightly inside of his jean clad thighs…where Ed's hands made a light massaging motion.

Alphonse shivered so hard he pulled back from the kiss, eyebrows raised and cheeks flushed.

Edward hadn't even done much of anything and he'd felt a wave of heat from his finger tips to his toes.

"Alphonse, are you okay…? Must I not do that?"

"No, what!" he said with dazed blinks, "…no, don't not do anything…" he felt stupid to be rushing the words out but Edward needed to know that shiver had meant very good things, "…I'm just not used to you touching me…like that. You know…" they'd been pretty honest about things lately, "…with how I feel about you, those kinds of touches are pretty intense." He squeezed Edward's shoulders lightly, he didn't even remember putting his hands there.

Edward just nodded,

"Okay…" he said quietly and lightly tapped his fingers on Alphonse's thighs, his hands stationary.

Alphonse could have laughed…but he didn't.

He just leaned right back in and bit Edward's bottom lip before sliding his tongue past his lips, settling his weight more forward in Edward's lap and letting his lower legs lay along the side of Edward's thighs, his socked feet curling in behind Edward's knees as he ran his hands- trembling with excitement- over Edward's chest again.

Terribly hopeful that Edward would enjoy his touches.

Edward's hands took a minute but eventually started to move again, up to his waist, along his sides riding his shirt up slightly – Alphonse arched into him and let his hands do the same to Edward's sides.

Slowly, firmly Edward's hands moved as he kissed back…and Alphonse could have died when Edward nipped at his tongue as they parted mouths for a second.

He couldn't  **fathom**  how Edward could do things like that to him and feel  **nothing**.

If this had happened in the shower two weeks ago Alphonse would have come already and been like putty on the tub floor. He was already very close to the consistency of putty in Edward's lap, everything besides his concealed erection felt pliant and moldable…Edward could truly do what he wanted and Alphonse would have thanked him for it.

Then Edward's hands moved back down to his thighs, on the outer side, again slid upwards and Alphonse moaned into the older man's mouth when he felt Edward's hands lightly grope his backside.

Alphonse felt a mixture of sexual frustration and anger enter his emotional torrent and he pulled back from the kiss again, he could have killed Edward for kissing his neck when he did so and then killed him again for leaving his hands on his ass.

"Shit…" he pressed his hands to Edward's chest as the older blonde cruelly licked over his adam's apple. He kept his hands on Ed's chest as he pushed him back into the couch slightly, a sign for him to stop and he didn't see the worried frown on Edward's face.

Alphonse placed his hands over his flushed face, he felt so hot, he ignored the pain of his erection throbbing against his jeans, "…shit…how can you touch me like that…?" he pulled his hands away from his face and was about to complain when he saw Edward was pale.

"What's wrong?" he asked, forgetting his frustration, Edward hadn't been pale in a while.

"…y-you said you w-wanted that, I'm sorry…Alphonse, I only did what I thought yo-…"

Alphonse groaned at how dense Edward was being,

"Not  _that_ …" he dropped his head and swallowed nervously before he pressed his hand between them, down onto Edward's crotch and he groaned again, "…how the hell can you kiss me and touch me like  **that**  and not feel anything Edward…?" he looked into Edward's face, feeling so confused.

It made no sense, Edward was treating him like a lover…but he was dead to everything.

Alphonse should have asked himself, he really should have _, 'What have I done to my brother?'_  but he didn't, he waited for Edward's answer.

"I don't not…feel… _anything_ …" Edward admitted and Alphonse felt his breath get lost somewhere, he hadn't expected that, "…I…" Edward sighed quietly, "…it's…" he huffed now, "…it's an emotional feeling Alphonse, when we do this, when I kiss you…I feel emotionally…" he looked like he didn't know what to say and then he frowned, "…emotionally attracted…I don't know if that's the right word…" he shook his head then looked back to Alphonse, "…I don't get outwardly turned on, but I'm not…completely immune to this." He said finally and a little quietly.

Alphonse thought he understood what Edward was saying…kind of,

"…so you…enjoy this…?" he said after a while, fiddling with the end of Edward's ponytail.

Edward blinked a few times then averted his eyes, face getting a bit red,

"…it…it feels…it's not a bad feeling...so yeah…"

"But you used to get so…sick about it…" he wasn't treading very carefully around the subject, but he needed to see how much had changed, to see if there was a reason to hope for the future.

Again Edward surprised him by shrugging, face a little more serious,

"I got used to it, that was the point right…if you have motion sickness and you travel often enough, eventually it stops affecting you. Your body adapts to it…we started getting more and more physical…" he paused then raised his eyebrows calmly, "…now the fact that you're my brother no longer matters when we're doing this…" he trailed off.

Alphonse might have felt sad about that at any other time…but not right then.

It still made him feel a little shitty that Edward didn't like it enough to get an erection…but enjoying it at all was a start.

This was a milestone,

"So…you don't have any objections to…to doing… _anything_ , sexually physical with me?"

There was a time when they talked openly like this about alchemical equations…now they talked openly about the equation of psychological adaptation and incest.

Edward seemed to take a moment to consider that particular question…it was an open ended question…

Because there was a lot that could be done…even without an erection or penetration.

He waited patiently until Edward looked at him again,  
"…" his adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed, "…yeah…pretty much." He answered steadily and quietly.

He didn't even want to know  _why_  Edward had changed so much, not right then.

Alphonse took a few hot breaths and licked his lips, diving right in,

"Then…will you use your hands…underneath my clothes…?" he wasn't going to hesitate.

What was the point…there was no going back.

Edward…to his credit, only tensed slightly before he shook it off with raised eyebrows,

"…you want me to do that…here on the couch?" he sounded a bit awkward about that.

"It's leather…I'll clean it…" Alphonse was already opening the button of his jeans and pulling down his zipper.

Edward straightened up a bit at the suddenness of it and glanced around as if he thought someone could see them, then he said,

"What about the cat?" his tone was still awkward and his voice quiet.

"He's a cat…he doesn't know what we're doing…" Alphonse said quietly, then added, "…besides he's not in the room…" he sat up slightly and he reached into his jeans and pushed it down a bit, enough to allow his erection free from his underwear as well.

If Edward had any bad memories or felt any shock at Alphonse's erection now between them, he didn't show it. Alphonse should have worried about what exactly he'd done to his brother…but he didn't.

"Edward…please…" he leaned in and started kissing the older blonde, desperation laced his tone.

All he could think about was Edward's hands touching him…not his own, he was so tired of his own hands.

Edward kissed him back and the seconds that passed without contact were strained for Alphonse. But then he felt Edward's fingers, shaking a bit, thin and slightly rough in texture, enclose around his sex until the heat of Edward's palm could be felt against the hot sensitive skin.

But he let go again and pulled out of the kiss, nodding as he said,

"Okay…just hold on…" he took a breath and Alphonse noticed he was a frowning slightly, he licked his lips.

Less than 10 seconds later the frown was gone,

"Alright…" he said in that calm quiet voice.

Edward flexed his right hand, once, twice…the shakes had faded and then he didn't hesitate to take Alphonse into his hand again, Alphonse was looking down then, watching Edward's actions.

The older man had his eyes closed as he started to move his hand, not too tightly gripping but just right, up and down as his left hand settled on Alphonse's thigh unobtrusively. Alphonse licked his lips…and then bit them as the sensations started to catch up with him.

He wanted to kiss Edward but he didn't think Edward could handle both of those things at the same time…that was until Edward leaned his head back on the couch again, opened his eyes and nodded, again licking his lips and not losing the rhythm of his hand.

Alphonse didn't know how Edward could be so shaken up and sexy at the same time, but he leaned forward and took up kissing where they'd left off, gasping into Edward's mouth with pleasure at the steady movement of his hand and the urgency of his tongue.

Alphonse had only ever jerked himself off, having Edward do it for him made him feel like melting.

His hips jerked once or twice, Edward's hand was consistent with pressure and movement…

It didn't take very long…not with Edward's hand on him, before he came, pulling out of the kiss and moaning his pleasure quietly against Edward's cheek as his muscles tightened throughout his body and pleasure spread through him, hot and sudden.

"I…ah…" he closed his eyes and exhaled slowly as the last of the orgasm faded, "…I love you Edward…" he placed a kiss against Edward's cheek, "…thank you…" Alphonse raised his arms and hugged Ed where they sat, the older man just remained still then he patted his clean hand on Alphonse's back,

"I need to go wash my hands…and change my shirt…" he said quietly.

Nodding numbly and feeling self-conscious now that it was over and he was a sticky mess, he stood up and put himself back into his jeans for the moment, he intended to shower as soon as Edward was done washing his hands.

Alphonse's dazedly stood there, running a shaking hand back through his hair and he licked his kiss bruised lips.

Still trying to process what had just happened…he was flooded with all different kinds of emotions…

He almost wanted to cry…he also wanted Edward to…hold him.

This was the first time Edward had touched him…to bring him real full pleasure. His chest warmed and he closed his eyes for a second as he breathed slowly…his body was still tingling.

Two minutes later Edward came back to the lounge wearing a clean shirt and he gave Alphonse that sweet smile…as if nothing had happened, with trailing behind him. Alphonse stood awkward and uncomfortable from the stickiness in his pants…and finally actually acknowledged his worry about Edward's strange detachment.

"I'm feeling kind of hungry…you want something to eat?" Edward asked, tipping his head in the direction of the kitchen.

Alphonse stared at him,

"Edward, are you…really, okay?" he wanted to know, the last time something like this had happened Edward had been badly shaken up.

"Yeah, I am. Are you?" he asked back amiably.

"Yeah…but I mean…really, are you okay…you seem so…" he shook his head, he didn't even know how to say it…or if he should.

Edward looked at him, calmly and without any proper expression,

"Yeah, I'm really okay." Was all he said then smiled again and turned to go back to the kitchen.

Alphonse felt a sharper stab of pain in his stomach that time, then he felt gross because his beautiful kitten was rubbing himself up against his legs while he stood there soiled and dirty.

With no option other than to believe Edward, Alphonse left the lounge to go and take a shower…and also to replay the new development in his head for his own pleasure.

* * *

The following night they were sitting on couch cushions on the floor either side of the coffee table in front of the fire. The weather was cold outside but there was no storm predicted for the next week, or so the newspaper that Monday morning had said.

It had been a lazy day since it was holiday time in the country, they hadn't left the apartment at all that day.

They'd woken up late, Alphonse had made flapjacks with syrup for breakfast while Edward had made them coffee and tea. After breakfast he'd taken a long, hot…interesting, bath and then made his way to the lounge.

Edward had showered early that morning out of habit and he'd been near the fire since breakfast.

His leg was hurting so Alphonse offered to massage it for him…and Edward accepted.

They'd spent the rest of the afternoon reading and drawing, never leaving the couch. Eventually Alphonse put his array sketch down and stole a few kisses until he managed to get the book out of Edward's hands so they could make out.

It had just been kissing…but Alphonse was never disappointed and had earned himself a raw bottom lip for disturbing Edward's reading.

Definitely worth it.

They'd skipped lunch so when he heard Edward's stomach announce it was hungry, he finally detached himself from his older brother's mouth and went to make supper.

And Edward complimented him on the meal when he was done eating two helpings of the simple but delicious stew.

Mr. CookieBoots had needed his litter box cleaned so Edward insisted that be Alphonse's job while he handled the water and food. Alphonse didn't complain and they found themselves back in the warm lounge a short while later entertaining themselves with watching the kitten play with some of his little mice toys, ducking, rolling and jumping.

They laughed and smiled, he couldn't stop stealing glances at Edward –wanting to believe his smile was genuine because it truly looked like it was-…and Alphonse reminded Edward that he loved him…and Edward smiled, patted his thigh and said he loved him too.

There was no tension, no sadness…no awkwardness…Edward really seemed fine…

Alphonse was happy…and Edward seemed happy too.

They just seemed to…fit together…and he wanted it to be like this and  **so much more**  forever.

They had a chess board open between them presently, Alphonse's white pieces were three more than Edward's black, the score was two games to one so far, in Al's favor. They'd made an entire pot of hot chocolate and were currently on their third mugs and Mr. CookieBoots had been given a bowl of warm milk earlier and was now asleep on the couch behind Alphonse, purring quietly.

Edward slipped his fingers out of his mug handle, picked up a chess piece and made his move, taking two of Alphonse's pieces; the younger blonde narrowed his eyes slightly, his quick mind reanalyzing the board.

Chess was a game of patience and strategy and while Edward was not a fan of either of those things, for the most part he was good at applying them when necessary.

Still though, he often lost because he would get irritable and move too quickly, missing something.

This move hadn't been that though, now Alphonse had to readjust his game plan.

The quiet was calming, since things had changed between them the uncomfortable atmosphere of the apartment had changed…and the kitten only lightened it further. It felt more like home.

"We should buy a radio…" Edward was saying as he took a sip from his hot chocolate, his hair was braided, reaching as far as the curve of his spine, Alphonse had done it for him that afternoon after supper.

"Yeah…" Alphonse answered distractedly then moved his piece.

He glanced up to see Edward staring at the fire, a blank expression on his face.

The fire actually made his eyes look bright like they used to…but it was just the fire, Edward's golden eyes no longer looked like honey and sun, instead they looked pale gold.

"Your move…" Alphonse said quietly, Edward's legs were crossed under the table and he tapped one of his knees with his foot.

Edward looked back at the board and frowned slightly, Alphonse could see he was getting irritable.

"You wanna call it a night…we've been playing since 5 p.m…it's probably after 11." He suggested.

Edward raised his eyebrows and his eyes from the game,

"Really, 11?"

Alphonse nodded with a smile, he loved seeing Edward so relaxed,

"When I refilled our mugs it was 10.22, that was more than a half hour ago…" he leaned his arms folded on the coffee table.

Edward finished his hot chocolate and licked his lips,

"Yeah…I feel kind of tired…" he sighed.

"I could give you a massage…" Alphonse let his voice lower slightly, "…you could give me one too…"

Edward's eyes slid to him and he smirked, looking amused,

"I'm terrible at massages…it would be at your own risk…" he easily answered the suggestive comment with no undertones and Alphonse smiled,

"I should teach you…there's even a way to give yourself a foot massage that makes you feel all tingly in your fing-…"

There was a knock at the door.

They glanced at each other and frowned, it was really late.

Edward stood up, he was on the open side of the lounge and he walked to the lounge exit then to the door. Alphonse stood up and followed him, standing in the arch of the lounge entrance he had a clear view of the door two meters away as Edward placed his hand on the handle.

Alphonse found it amusing how all these years later when their lives were no longer in danger Edward still braced himself –ready to injure someone badly- whenever he answered a door. His fist was clenched and his shoulders tense as he said,

"Who is it?"

"It's reception, sorry to bother you so late, sir." The voice was that of the annoying woman from downstairs.

Edward glanced back and Alphonse shrugged.

He opened the door and Alphonse saw the woman smile at Edward and then not smile at him, he didn't actually care, he just folded his arms over his chest as she spoke,

"There's a call from a young woman for you…" she checked a piece of paper in her hand, "…Edward Elric, she says its urgent so I came to tell you, just in case it really is, she sounded…upset." The woman looked uncertain.

His stomach lurched, he knew it was Winry and he knew Edward did as well and he hated how worried Edward looked…he hated how quickly Edward nodded and glanced back at him, mumbling that he'd be right back.

He hated that Edward would rush out of the apartment in his bedroom slippers to take a call from Winry.

He hated going back and sitting in the warm lounge next to Mr CookieBoots while Edward was down in the lobby…

He hated that she would probably tell Edward she called…and Ed would know he hadn't bothered to tell him.

He hated Winry. Because she was a threat to his happiness.

Just the day before he'd been so happy because Edward had given him pleasure, willing and literal touch that was distinctly intended to give him pleasure…

And Edward was fine…and they could be happy…

Now Winry was calling and Edward cared…

After ten minutes that seemed like an hour the door opened, Edward stepped inside and locked it…

Then he came to the entrance of the lounge and with a look…that Alphonse hated to admit was more like Edward than he'd seen in a while, his older brother shrugged and smiled…in a not so neutral way,

"Winry…uh…she's on a train to Central since yesterday morning. She'll be here at 8 a.m tomorrow…I'm gonna pick her up from the station…" he sounded calm but Alphonse wondered if his heart was beating faster…in anticipation of seeing her…

His stomach didn't handle that news very well, nor did his blood since it felt like ice in his veins.

Winry…was coming…to Central…that meant…

"She's going to stay here, I think…" Edward finally broke eye contact and Alphonse swallowed down his anger, turning his gaze to the fire.

After a moment of silence...the uncomfortable kind…and renewed tension, Edward spoke again,

"I'm gonna go to bed, I have to get up early…uh…night, Alphonse."

He didn't watch Edward go down the hall.

He didn't want to look at Edward right then…because that smile he'd seen…had been a smile that was for Winry, not for him.

Alphonse blinked and a few tears slid over his cheeks…he was angry…because he didn't want to share Edward…

…not with anyone, especially not with Winry.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NB: Edward's mental condition will be better explained in the chapter that follows.
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to NineInchNails

 

  
_The more that we take_   
_The paler we get_   
_I can't remember what it is_   
_We try to forget_   
_The tile on the floor_   
_So cold it can sting_   
_In your eyes is a place_   
_Worth remembering_

  
_For you to go and take this, to smash it apart_   
_I've gone all this fucking way_   
_To wind up back at_   
_Back at the start_

  
_Hey, the closer we think we are_   
_Well it only got us so far_   
_Now you got anything left to show_   
_No no I didn't think so_   
_Hey, the sooner we realize_   
_We cover ourselves with lies_   
_But underneath we're not so tough_   
_And love is not enough_

  
_Well it hides in the dark_   
_Like the withering vein_   
_We didn't give it a mouth_   
_So it cannot complain_   
_It never really had a chance_   
_We'd never really make it through_   
_I never think I'd believed_   
_I believed I could get better with you_

* * *

Edward would do anything for Alphonse.

After reaching that breaking point, after allowing his brother to cross an extremely sexual physical boundary, after seeing his broken heart reflected in his beautiful green eyes…after knowing that in that moment what he chose to do would either sever their relationship completely…or bring them much  **much**  closer…

Edward knew now –beyond a shadow of a doubt- he would do absolutely anything for Alphonse.

Taking Alphonse into his arms and kissing him had been the easiest thing to do at that moment, tasting himself on his brother's warm lips hadn't even raised an inkling of tension in his body, laying down beside Alphonse, holding him as he cried and promising him anything had been in complete sincerity…

…and since that night just about two weeks ago, Edward had not regretted his decision even once.

There was a space inside of him…it was small and hollow, the tiniest nagging sensation that he really wasn't okay. But it was miniscule, it was insignificant, inconsequential…because Edward actually felt at peace.

He no longer suffered long drawn out bouts of nausea, he had a good appetite, his body no longer harbored tension or pain and having Alphonse in close proximity since that night…only brought him comfort.

He couldn't explain it, he'd tried to, to himself, but he couldn't even understand it.

Although just before that night, he'd been wondering what it would take to finally push him over the edge and now he knew…

They were no longer just brothers, yes, they were still brothers, but it was more now. Whether it was wrong, whether it was sick, whether it was illegal…didn't matter.

His mental and physical, his mind and body…no longer fought his decisions.

He'd do anything for Alphonse.

If Alphonse wanted to kiss him…if Alphonse even hinted or so much as looked like he wanted to be kissed…sometimes even if Edward just thought he looked…kissable…he kissed Alphonse.

And whereas before the idea of  **wanting**  to do anything sexual or intimate with Alphonse upset him, scared and made him worry something was wrong with him…it no longer even mattered.

Because when he held Alphonse at night in his bed, it felt good and when he kissed Alphonse and his younger brother kissed him back…sometimes it was good enough to arouse those new feelings in his body. When Alphonse would kiss his neck, touch his hands, his chest…touch him at all, it was comforting…and sometimes stimulating…

…because Alphonse was there, they were together and he was happy and he loved Edward and Edward loved him far too much…

It was almost surreal how he'd felt when he woke up again that late afternoon.

Alphonse had cried himself to sleep hours before but was still curled up in his arms and Edward had lain for a long while, replaying the events of that morning in his head while he gently rubbed his hand up and down Alphonse's back, soothing and slow.

There was no horror or shame, nausea or guilt…he just felt calm and complacent.

Alphonse hadn't pushed him away…even after he'd been unable to give Alphonse what he wanted.

In fact, when Edward had promised to never leave Alphonse, after a long while of sobbing Alphonse had said those very same words to him. Edward's fears had been laid to rest with that promise from Alphonse.

It meant that it really didn't matter if he couldn't do that one thing…Alphonse would never leave him.

And it was too late to go back, it was too pointless to try and undo all the nights of tears, pain, vomiting, arguing, silences…the touches, the unspoken lusting, the kisses…

There was nowhere to go but forward…as they were.

Edward acknowledged the feelings he had for Alphonse, the ones he'd probably always had, non-sexual but not entirely platonic either, he realized now he'd always enjoyed being close to Alphonse and was happy with whatever he could get.

And while he still had no active conscious desire to be sexual with his brother, he wasn't in denial about the sexual arousal he'd felt…especially when Alphonse had used his mouth. It had been a very real –good- feeling even though he'd  _known_  it was Alphonse.

But for whatever reason that he didn't understand, he failed to become erect.

He could speculate about it, it was obviously mental and maybe it had something to do with that tiny nagging feeling somewhere inside of him…whatever it was, he had no idea how to change it.

He wasn't trying to stop himself anymore, he no longer tensed up and stressed about it.

He and Alphonse had kissed many times in the past two weeks, ever since he'd told Alphonse about the fact that he'd come to terms with Alphonse's feelings and he accepted it and that they needed to move forward as they had been doing because there was no point trying to go back, the younger man had been…happy.

…Alphonse had been a wreck when he'd woken up during the late of that evening two weeks ago, he'd looked as ill as he had when Edward first saw him in Risembool. He'd been exhausted and Edward had been able to see that his self-esteem was shattered, his confidence was crushed…Alphonse had looked scared, like he had no idea of what he was going to do. Guilt Edward hadn't seen before had been etched into the younger man's face, sadness had been set in the line of his mouth…he had barely eaten and only did so at all because Edward had insisted.

Edward had known…Alphonse recovering from the shock of that experience was up to him.

So that night after he'd taken Alphonse to his bed.

Edward did with his mouth what he couldn't do with his body, he showed Alphonse his choice, feelings and his acceptance with a kiss.

A kiss that brothers should never share but that Edward would share with Alphonse gladly.

It wasn't the feelings that Alphonse ideally wanted, Alphonse wanted attraction, sex and romantic love.

But it was feelings the younger desperately needed and he had accepted from Edward and returned, along with his other feelings in that kiss…and as they held each other.

It had taken a few days and a few conversations for Alphonse to come around, his mental state had taken a knock, he'd convinced himself all over again that he was disgusting and pathetic, except for different reasons this time. So Edward had let him know he wasn't disgusting and that things were okay, he had to let him know he'd accepted Alphonse's feelings, the emotional and  _physical_.

So when Alphonse looked at him in the way Edward knew was more than brotherly, his green eyes shining with uncertainty about whether or not it was really okay, Edward had smiled at him…and leaned in to kiss him.

And he'd felt nothing bad for it.

There was no revulsion from his body, it had been the second time kissing Alphonse after their joint melt down, and it had confirmed for him that he was passed his turmoil.

There would be no more questions of if he could or should he be doing it.

There would be no more sleepless nights trying to get a grip.

It was crystal clear to him that he'd do anything for Alphonse…and it gave him peace to do it.

And once Alphonse realized it was okay…suddenly they were more like themselves than they'd been since before they'd last seen each other.

They talked more often…actually talked about things outside of their little shell of secrets, they read together, researched together, laughed together and even sparred once or twice.

Alphonse no longer seemed to be drowning in his lust, he initiated kisses often but it felt different somehow, or maybe it was just because Edward felt different now.

He thought that maybe he should have been surprised and worried about how simple it all seemed.

But he wasn't.

He was calm…always calm, he found it to be a great feeling…it was almost like he had no reaction to anything.

After Alphonse had gained some of his confidence back, about a week earlier, Edward had just gotten dressed and was preparing to go out to get some extra work supplies, he'd been walking down the hall when Alphonse came into it from the lounge.

He'd said he'd be back in about an hour right when Alphonse was about to pass him, but Al stopped and smiled, Edward smiled back and didn't even flinch when Alphonse slipped his arms around his neck and kissed him. He still didn't flinch as Alphonse stepped forward so he stepped back until his back was against the wall.

And he didn't stop himself from placing his hands lightly on Alphonse's sides as they kissed…and he always kissed back because…it no longer made him sick to do it.

It made Alphonse happy, there was nothing wrong with that.

And it felt good…it no longer hurt him to do it…so why not?

He just felt peaceful…almost happy.

Especially when they laid in his bed together and Edward ran his fingers through Alphonse's hair, he truly liked the feeling. Alphonse would hold him tighter some nights, other nights Alphonse would kiss his neck and rub his hands over his chest – above his clothing- and sometimes it'd lead to kissing and Edward would enjoy it, because sometimes Alphonse made quiet moans, sometimes Alphonse did things with his tongue that Edward found he liked…and very often since his breaking point, his body reacted positively…

…but he  **never**  got an erection and Alphonse  **never**  tried to touch him beneath his clothes or anywhere near his private areas.

He liked it the way it was, he knew that honestly.

If things could stay the way they were, he could be…content.

Somehow the idea of never having sex again wasn't as daunting as a 22 year old man should have thought.

It wasn't hard for Edward to picture his life without sex…after all, he'd spent his years going through puberty completely cut off from any sort of romantic feelings for anyone.

Yes, he'd masturbated as a teenager but it was never because the idea of being with someone got him going. It had been because he'd woken up hard every other morning when he was 15 and it had been the logical thing to do. Most of the time he hadn't even needed mental stimulation because whatever he'd been dreaming about had gotten more than half the job done.

Simply put, Edward wasn't weak to sexual desire. He had sex because it was good and he chose to do it with people he was attracted to because he could. As far as relationships went, the only person he'd ever considered for long term involvement was Winry…and that was now a distant memory.

He honestly hardly thought of her anymore, not in  **that**  way at least.

He didn't even wake up with erections anymore…

He raised his eyebrows as he stared at the ceiling,  _'…should I be worried?'_

He was lying next to Alphonse in his bed, it was probably around 8 a.m.

The weather in Central was really cold now that it was mid-winter but the snow fall mainly happened at night.

There was only a week left to go of the State Holidays, then everyone would be going back to school and work.

Alphonse would have to go to the University and hand in his school qualification, he was pre-listed for enrollment and accepted –he'd told Ed- and just needed the certificate to be filed with his other documents. His first class would be on January 20th and he was excited, he'd been taking out a lot of medical journals and other reference books from the library in the past two weeks.

Edward was glad he was looking forward to it.

He lifted his head to look down into Alphonse's sleeping face, his younger brother's skin was getting back to its healthy complexion and he was slowly but steadily gaining weight now that they had their appetites back.

Edward sighed, he wasn't looking forward to work in the new year, since it was holiday time Mustang hadn't made any appearances, Edward knew from his years in the military that Mustang usually went out of town over this period.

But that didn't mean that once the new work year rolled around he wouldn't be summoned by the bastard to his office, where Mustang would try again to get answers from him.

He sighed…calmly, feeling lazy and indifferent.

It was a sweet relief to the pain he'd lived with constantly since the beginning of all this…and he could tell in Alphonse's smiles that his younger brother was enjoying the inner calm as well.

Thinking of Alphonse's smile reminded him that he had an appointment to meet someone at 9.30 a.m, he smiled to himself as he shifted –like he did every morning- and Alphonse blinked sleepily up at him and then rolled off his arm on to his other side,

"What…timesit?" he mumbled.

Edward got out of the bed,  
"Around 8 I think…" he said quietly as he slipped into his bed slippers that he loathed.

"Wha…" he heard Alphonse mumble, "…why're you up so early?" he complained.

Edward stopped in the doorway and looked back to Alphonse leaning up on his elbows in the bed, creased and sleepy looking amongst the blanket and pillows with a frown on his face, his hair sticking out at odd angles while he stared at Edward through squinted eyes.

It wasn't a sight he minded waking up to in the mornings…Edward admitted to himself and didn't feel bad for thinking it,

"I have to be somewhere at 9.30…you don't have to get up."

He watched as Alphonse started to get up anyway,

"It's fine, I'll make you breakfast." He said pleasantly before half yawning.

Edward shrugged,

"I won't say no to that…" he grinned and then left the bedroom and headed to the bathroom.

He closed himself into the bathroom and as he was pulling his shirt up over his head he heard Alphonse walk by toward the kitchen.

Alphonse hadn't once tried to come into the bathroom while Edward was in there, not since the failed attempt.

Edward had a hot shower, shaved quickly like he did every two days or so, brushed his teeth, put on deodorant…all the things he usually did and then finally left the bathroom in his towel.

The hall way was a little warmer and he assumed Alphonse had started a fire in the lounge.

In his bedroom he dressed in comfortable jeans and two shirts since it was cold out and then combed through his hair after towel drying it as much as possible, finally he tied it up.

By the time he was done and entered the kitchen Alphonse had made a standard breakfast and they ate together.

Edward watched his younger brother closely…seeing how the life that had been drained from him was returning a little more every day, Alphonse's smile warmed his chest every time.

When he was done eating and listening to Alphonse talk about his own ideas for medicinal alchemy since learning Xingese Alchestery, he finally took his leave and walked out into the cold morning air.

He smiled to himself as he walked along the street in the direction of his appointment.

* * *

Edward turned the page of the book he was reading, he was sitting in the lounge near the warm fireplace leaning on the arm rest lazily. He was reading one of Alphonse's medical books that the younger blonde had had to buy because it was specifically part of his first year advanced course. It had a few interesting things in it, he didn't think he'd ever need to know how to dissect a brain but it was a decent read.

He was frowning at the detailed picture of a dissected brain when he scratched his cheek and then dusted at his nose lightly with his hand, making a face as some cat fur floated in the air. He glanced down to see he had cat hairs on his shirt and sighed,

"Damn cat…" he mumbled.

It was worth it though, the kitten he'd purchased for Alphonse was really cute –really expensive- but really cute. It was also really friendly and hadn't tried to maul him when he placed it into the carrier he'd purchased before picking the kitten up from the breeder.

He was looking forward to seeing Alphonse smile when he saw it.

He loved that smile…and recently whenever Alphonse smiled…Edward found himself wanting to kiss him.

Now that he could…why not?

There was a time only a few weeks ago when thinking like that would have had him trying to keep himself from throwing up in the toilet…now though – he blinked and tilted his head looking at a different picture of a dissected brain- he felt nothing.

He was reading a different book by the time he heard the door opening about a half hour later, he'd wondered where Alphonse went off to when he'd first got back. He heard the door lock and the usual sound of the coat closet door before Alphonse's light footfalls brought him into the lounge.

He glanced up and watched Alphonse pull his jersey up over his head, leaving him in a light blue long sleeve shirt. He closed the book when Alphonse was nearer and smiled at him, it came so naturally these days it was just like old times and Alphonse smiled right back and dropped his folded jersey onto the single couch before he sat down in the space beside Edward.

He asked what Edward was reading and the older man nearly didn't hear him since he was watching Alphonse –relaxed and happy- as he pulled his legs up to fold on the couch,

"Old book on the Legend Of Xerxes, one I haven't read…" he answered sounding as bored as he felt, it was probably one of the stupidest books he'd checked out of the library in years.

He sat forward and dropped it on the table while Alphonse pointed out that he was reading something he hated and Edward shrugged, leaning his forearms on his thighs and enjoying how warm his limbs were near the fire,

"Yeah but Hohenheim never did tell us much about the city itself…only about how he fucked it up."

When no response came, he slid his eyes over to look at Alphonse's reaction and as expected the younger blonde just smiled and shook his head, Edward smiled faintly while he absently brought his ponytail over his shoulder and he ran his hand over it out of habit.

"Where did you go?" he asked but then realized Alphonse had asked him a question at the exact same time about when he'd returned home. He smiled and Alphonse did as well, raising his eyebrows.

Edward told him about an hour, which was more or less accurate and then he remembered why he'd gone out in the first place and was eager to show Alphonse his present. He was about to get up but he was caught up for a moment when he turned his head to see Alphonse looking at him…as he often did.

His gaze was somewhere between attraction and affection, there was a soft sweetness to Alphonse's face whenever he looked at Edward like that. The younger man mumbled that he'd been out for a walk and his eyes lingered, Edward didn't look away feeling awkward like he used to, he was surprised by how much had changed in such a short time…

…all it took was a moment of his broken will and everything was just so much easier.

A smile found its way onto his lips as Alphonse continued to stare at him, he could see Alphonse thinking about something, face thoughtful but relaxed, his light blonde hair a little windswept. He wasn't surprised when Alphonse shifted closer and slipped his hand onto his thigh, nor was he bothered by the younger man pressing his cool lips to neck, Edward's skin was hot and the contrast was nice, it gave him goosebumps.

He closed his eyes to the feeling of the kisses, smiling slightly.

They behaved these days almost exactly like Alphonse wanted…a couple…and Edward didn't mind, because it made Alphonse happy and neither of them were in pain.

He still knew that being like a couple with his brother was  _technically_  wrong, he still knew how sick it was…it just no longer distressed him. He placed his hand over Alphonse's on his thigh and squeezed it slightly, he enjoyed the simple things, holding Alphonse's hands made him feel more connected to his younger brother than a million kisses ever would.

It made him feel more connected than any kind of sexual act could…

He'd thought about that in the past two weeks, not the actual imagining of himself and Alphonse having sex, his mind wasn't really able to conjure up that sort of thing, but he'd thought about what he'd do if things changed and one day he did get an erection…for Alphonse.

The younger blonde had asked him about it, he'd wanted to know if Edward's sudden change of heart was only because sex was no longer really an option between them – indirectly confirming Edward's theory that Alphonse wanted Edward to be on top. Edward knew that honestly, he didn't ever want to have sex with Alphonse, his reasons were still the same as they had been before…mostly.

They were brothers, which was the main point.

But since he was recently able to move passed their blood relation, his reasons were now purely emotional.

Edward knew that often sex was just sex, it could be casual but fun, it could be intense and serious, it could be meaningless and fleeting. He'd tried a bit of each…but he'd never had emotionally invested sexual partners…or a relationship, as it was more commonly known.

He wasn't an emotionally attached sort of guy, not for anyone besides very close family, which only consisted of Alphonse, Winry and Pinako. Which was why, when he'd started to consider a serious relationship, Winry was the only girl that he would consider such a thing with.

But even that…his feelings for Winry were loving and devoted…but it was the same sort of love he could have found with another person if he'd tried.

But Alphonse…was his brother…and their bond was different, it was unusual and it was soul bound.

It was probably already too much that they'd shared of each other…mixed blood, sacrificed limbs, intertwined souls…now they were sharing intimacies and had promised their entire lives to one another…

…if they'd already shared that much and it'd already put them through so much…

…what would it be like if they shared  _everything_ …

Edward was scared of it…scared of how it would feel…

He didn't believe in god…but the Gate was the closest thing to it…

And that faceless bastard could just be sitting and laughing at them…watching them kill themselves slowly…digging themselves into an even deeper hole, lessons not learned about sin and what's forbidden.

Yet…as depressing as the thoughts were, Edward didn't feel any sort of anxiousness about it…because he had accepted the things he could not change.

He lightly rubbed his hand over Alphonse's,

"I bought you something…" he said after a slightly moist kiss under his ear.

Alphonse pulled back, sighing in a way that told Edward he was happy and the hand beneath his rubbed and squeezed his thigh gently as Alphonse asked if it was chocolate or liquorish…Edward found himself buying sweets for Alphonse often like he used to right after his body was restored, when he'd been learning what he liked and didn't like.

Right then he had one of those moments where he stared at Alphonse's sweet happy smile and found himself tempted to kiss him…but Edward only gave in to that feeling on rare occasion. While he did kiss Alphonse back all the time, he wasn't overly inclined to initiate it…even if he often wanted to.

It had something to do with that little nagging feeling…

He blinked his eyes to break their close eye contact and he patted Alphonse's hand as he excused himself to fetch the 'gift' from where he'd left it in Alphonse's bedroom. Even the fact that Al's room was now officially unused and the fact they shared a bed every night wasn't unsettling to him, it didn't even make him sad.

He walked into Alphonse's bedroom and glanced around until his eyes settled on the bed, curled up on top of Alphonse's clean sheets against his pillows slept the little fur ball. Edward smiled and walked over to him, picking him up carefully, watching as all its little claws came out in a momentary stretch before he tucked it into his arms and it started purring against him.

"I hate that you're so damn cute…" he mumbled as he turned around and headed back out of the room.

When he walked into the lounge Alphonse had his hands pressed to his face, Edward frowned,

"Al…"

He wanted to know if something was wrong but when he saw Alphonse's eyes light up at the sight of the kitten, all worry disappeared. Alphonse was just short of having a girlish fit when he sat down next to him on the opposite side of the couch and handed the kitten over to his waiting hands.

The kitten remained mostly asleep as Alphonse took him and he made a hushed 'aw' sound, Edward told him not to whisper and he could have laughed but he was too busy smiling toothily as he committed to memory Alphonse's thrilled expression. Edward leaned back against the couch, turning to sit partially facing Alphonse,

"You happy?" he asked even though he knew the answer.

Alphonse beamed at him and Edward just kept smiling as he watched how the other was just about glowing while they talked. Alphonse seemed confused when Edward told him the cat was purchased and not from an animal shelter but then he was amused when Edward told him why, that all of those wild cats used to scratch him.

The talked about the cat for a little while as it purred and twitched its ears, Edward enjoyed being like this and he was highly amused by the name choice but despite Mr CookieBoots being a long name which he would not call the kitten by, ever, it was better than 'socks' or fluffy'.

It seemed 'Boots' didn't like that name idea either since he tottered off with his tail in the air, disappearing around the corner. Edward frowned when he looked back to Alphonse and saw the sad look on his face, he swallowed his joke about the cat not liking the name when Alphonse worried that it didn't like  _him_.

Edward wanted to smack him for making him worry for nothing and he told Alphonse to relax as he folded his arms lazily over his stomach. Alphonse's smile was back quickly and he said thank you but his happiness was thanks enough for Edward.

Then he said 'I love you' and Edward recalled the memory of Alphonse using that sultry tone before…in the bedroom two weeks earlier.

He simply smiled, that night was not even enough to rattle him.

 _'Should I be worried about myself?'_  he thought fleetingly right before he responded with his usual 'Love you too.'

Edward followed with his eyes when Alphonse shifted on to his knees on the couch…and one leg over his own legs a second later, Alphonse was straddling him, the younger blonde sat back on his thighs.

Edward felt no discomfit to this, except the slightest acceleration of his heart beat…and he couldn't tell what it meant, it could be from mild surprise or the sudden closeness of their bodies.

It was sudden though…and it was the most…sexually provocative- sort of thing – Alphonse had done since rubbing him up in the shower.

He wasn't perturbed though, when he'd said to Alphonse that he would do anything it was because he'd known he would do anything. There were no boundaries or points of dissolution anymore…all the way was all the way…short of his ability to get it up that is.

So he looked up at Alphonse, feeling himself frown –he wanted to ask about the sudden boldness- but he remembered it was a sore subject for Alphonse's self-esteem, instead he stayed quiet and just offered a half smile. Edward tilted his head back when Alphonse leaned forward and he met the kiss easily, after all of their kisses he knew exactly how Alphonse liked to be kissed and he obliged every time…sometimes trying new things just to see if Alphonse would like it…

…Edward truly felt no inhibitions anymore…

So he offered his tongue generously and often managed to get Alphonse to make little noises…and Alphonse did things like he was doing right then, rubbing his hands lightly over Edward's chest and to the back of his neck, tickling the hair at his nape…

…it was starting to feel pretty good, as it often did these days. The lounge was warm and Alphonse smelled nice, he was only touching Edward's shoulders and neck lightly but it was soothing and the kiss was starting to get a little more wet as the minutes passed…

Edward knew from the many times they'd kissed that Alphonse liked to –make out- in a sense. Whether it was at a random point in the day or in bed at night, Alphonse seemed like if given the chance he could kiss for very long periods of time.

And he had the perfect lips for it, Edward had noted at some point and again right then, well-shaped, soft and pliant, pink…suckable…

…the stirring of that unsatisfied arousal was starting to warm his groin…

Alphonse pulled back right when Edward was punctuating that last point with Alphonse's bottom lip, Alphonse was looking down at him, swallowing in between his heavy breathing, he looked…horny. There was a time that felt like so long ago but really wasn't, where that look would have set him very badly on edge but now Edward just smiled up at him.

Then Alphonse said his name in that ominous tone of voice that always left him waiting anxiously for the sexual suggestion that followed it…Edward just raised his eyebrows, vaguely thinking over all the possible things Alphonse could be about to suggest.

His mind abruptly stopped at the possibility of Alphonse suggesting something very sexual…like offering him oral sex again…or requesting it…

He purposely let himself think about those things…and when he felt nothing besides a very brief spell of disconcertion…Edward sighed inwardly…because something was definitely wrong with him.

Didn't he care about anything at all?

…yes…Alphonse.

Simple…yet complicated.

Alphonse wanted to be touched…that could mean any number of things but instead of clarifying, Alphonse doubled back on his question and Edward knew then Alphonse was still affected by what had happened. He'd been wondering about it lately, since after a few days Alphonse had seemed fine…

But now it kind of made sense as to why the younger blonde hadn't been trying to get sexual…he still wasn't confident enough…until now, he'd finally put something new on the table.

Edward thought about the request…touching Alphonse…the way Alphonse wanted to be touched wasn't something he thought about naturally –which he told Alphonse right then honestly since they'd been open with each other the past two weeks.

Personally, he liked holding Alphonse's hands, holding him when they slept…but feeling him up…never actually occurred to him.

Even when they kissed, his hands went to a default position, if they were standing up, Alphonse's upper waist, if they were sitting like right then, either his face or his sides…or not at all.

He asked Alphonse how he wanted to be touched…then he would do it. Again many scenarios ran through his mind about what Alphonse could ask for…

Alphonse didn't like having to answer, Edward could tell, he leaned his head back and watched Alphonse blush while he tried to explain…that he wanted to be felt up.

Edward stared at Alphonse as he considered what he was being asked to do.

Usually when he 'made out' with someone…his hands were pre-approved to roam  _where ever_  he saw fit. Edward never kissed anyone who wasn't already very interested…he didn't date because it was weird and he didn't woo because he was no good at flirting. If he met someone and he liked them he usually just went with that and told them…

No frills…

Also…Edward had naughty hands…usually, with his lovers. But this was Alphonse…and this was different.

And he couldn't just…do those things to Alphonse…because some of those things were…very sexual.

And while he knew Alphonse  _wanted_  it to be sexual…it was just better when he was doing as asked and not doing…just because he wanted to. Because he didn't even know if he wanted to…?

Did he want to grope Alphonse? Would he start to enjoy it like he did kissing him?

Did it matter…? Because he was going to do it anyway…

But he had to clarify with Alphonse that the younger understood what he was asking for.

Alphonse looked at him like he'd lost his mind when he asked…whether he really understood what he was asking for. Alphonse didn't hesitate to emphasize he would let Edward touch him  _anyway_  he wanted to and he found the abandon of Alphonse's words didn't even scare him.

He took a moment to take in his younger brother's face.

A month ago, Edward had never seen such an expression on Alphonse's face, he'd never have even been able to imagine what his brother might look like when he was turned on and shameless of it.

It amazed him…he wondered briefly whether Alphonse actually realized what a sex life between them would entail? Did he know all the ins and outs of sex or had he just done the basics with Mei?

Edward tried to picture himself doing to Alphonse what he'd done to some of his previous lovers…and it actually made him blush slightly…

…did Alphonse really know…and if he did…how was he so easily able to see himself doing those things together with Ed? Then again, two weeks ago Alphonse hadn't hesitated to give him oral sex…he supposed…Alphonse probably knew well enough what a fully sexual relationship between them would consist of.

Edward found himself missing Alphonse calling him 'brother' all of a sudden…but with a look like Al had on his face right then, Edward would rather he didn't bring it up...ever.

"I love you Alphonse…" he said it quietly and meant it. He always meant it.

He expected it when Al leaned in and kissed him and he again met Alphonse's lips easily, as if it were natural…

…and he enjoyed it.

Sometimes he did things to Alphonse's mouth that he'd think about later…and wonder where the disgust and sadness had gone, now it was replaced by a hushed peace in his mind and body…

…he wasn't doing anything wrong between them –besides the obvious-…because Alphonse wanted him to do it. They weren't hurting anyone…except themselves and they'd have to keep it that way.

He remembered what Alphonse asked him to do some time during the kiss and his hands settled on his younger brother's toned thighs. Many variations of what he could do with his hands went through his mind but he automatically settled on the simplest…most innocent touch and massaged Alphonse's inner thighs in a way he knew would feel good.

When Alphonse pulled back he worried that maybe Alphonse didn't like it…?

So he asked…and once again Alphonse told him to do whatever he liked…the younger blonde was just enjoying it a lot apparently, he said it was intense because of the way he feels for Edward. That comment didn't do anything for Edward's ego…but he was okay with it if Alphonse was.

He waited until Alphonse reinitiated the kiss, taking his cue a minute later and again running his hands over Alphonse, over his lean sides – Alphonse arched into him and it was disturbingly sexy- back along his thighs in a fluid motion he was familiar with, his hands sliding their way over Alphonse's backside as he got carried away like he often did when kissing.

Such was their relationship now…attempting to be lovers.

Alphonse's moan –instead of churning his stomach like it once had- renewed the arousal from earlier. He hated that this had started to feel good…but that hate was a thought…not a reaction.

Alphonse parted from his mouth again and Edward found himself charting new territory, he'd never yet kissed Alphonse's neck and he noted that the skin was smooth and so warm against his lips…it felt good…and he was so sexually frustrated…he was still appreciating Alphonse's neck when he was pushed off…

It brought him back to the moment and he again wondered if he'd done something wrong since Alphonse sounded upset about being touched that way. For the first time in weeks, Edward felt the color drain from his face- the idea of doing something wrong to Alphonse evoked every kind of emotion he had all at once.

Alphonse noticed he was pale because his previous expression changed to concern and he wanted to know what was wrong. Edward was stuttering out his confusion within seconds and Alphonse only groaned and hung his head.

Belatedly Edward felt the hand press against his crotch and he glanced down, tensing slightly.

Alphonse was…not upset…but confused by Edward's lack of reaction.

He supposed he understood the confusion now, whereas before it was unfounded. Recently he'd been reciprocating touches and kisses generously, naturally…but what Alphonse didn't know was that Edward was as confused as he was.

It wasn't that he wanted to get an erection…because…he…didn't…

…he just didn't understand  _why_  every time he got a little turned on, ever since that day in the shower, it felt like it did when he  _would_  usually get an erection, yet it never actually happened.

Like when they'd been kissing just now, he'd wondered if it would happen when he'd felt the warmth seep into his private area.

But nothing, every time…it was just a worsening case of blue balls…

He wondered for a second if he should try to explain it…should he tell Alphonse that he got turned on by him…sometimes? Turned on…by his brother…

He felt nothing at the thought, his body didn't even care…

He tried to explain it to Alphonse, he avoided using the term 'turned on', he didn't want to give Alphonse false hope…because his body seemed adamant about not reacting that way.

Alphonse looked a little excited anyway and Edward felt him fiddle with his ponytail as he asked a simpler question,

"…so you…enjoy this…?"

Unfortunately…or fortunately from Alphonse's side, yes, he did.

And Edward had no one to ask forgiveness of for that fact…except his dead mother, who would never answer…nor would she forgive him.

It was bad enough Alphonse had these feelings…but now Edward was starting to feel things…

He should be feeling shame…but he didn't.

He answered Alphonse's question vaguely instead of with a completely affirmative answer and Alphonse had the nerve to point out how little Edward felt now, mentioning how sick it used to make him.

He had half a mind to tell Alphonse that he should remember for how many months he was throwing up over it…now look at him…

But Edward wouldn't use his words to hurt, he wouldn't hurt Alphonse in any way if he could help it.

Besides it wasn't Alphonse's fault he felt this way…it was Edward's fault.

He knew that now…it was just another –delayed- consequence of that failed transmutation that was his idea.

He answered the question, still feeling calm and just the tiniest bit despondent.

Alphonse's voice was disbelieving when he asked for confirmation that Edward was willing to do _anything_  sexual with him.

Edward had thought about that over the last two weeks quite often because that's what he knew he would have to do in the future…it might not be easy…and it shouldn't be…but the cold truth was –he'd known after holding Alphonse until he passed out from crying- that he would fuck Alphonse if that's what he really wanted.

And it could ruin and destroy them…Alphonse could realize too late that brothers should never do that.

Alphonse might never be the same…might never look at him the same again…

Edward knew he wouldn't ever see Alphonse the same way…but he'd always love him and stay with him.

It would be the worst test of unconditional love…

Then again…maybe by some sick miracle…it would be like Alphonse so obviously fantasized…and they'd be closer, love deeper…differently…

He answered the question simply with a 'yeah', his throat a little dryer.

Alphonse could not have been happier…or hornier…

Edward had to catch up when within seconds Alphonse was opening his own jeans, wanting to be jerked off.

That was about as straightforward as it got really and Edward found his brain frantically processing the couch, the cat and their situation very quickly and with a serene detachment.

His heart beat had sped up again just slightly but when faced with his younger brother's erection, the most he felt was slight awkwardness. It wouldn't be the first time he'd jerked someone else off…it would just be very awkward doing it to Alphonse.

Not disgusting…not nauseating…his mind and body made no such objections.

Just…awkward…and weird, strange too.

Alphonse was kissing him again before he'd wrapped his head around the weirdness and he tried to keep up, not being able to see what he was doing between them with Alphonse kissing him, he used his physical coordination and his fingers found Alphonse's sex after a moment.

Edward held it for a second before his hair stood all over his body, almost static like- for the briefest sharpest second. He likened it to the feeling of when they say 'someone just walked over my grave', it was a cold, fleeting, crawling sensation over his skin. Perhaps his mother was turning in her grave.

He pulled out of the kiss, let Alphonse's sex go and tried to shake off the lingering creepiness.

But he didn't have to try very hard…Edward was a little surprised by how quickly the shakes passed.

The second time when he took Alphonse into his hand, eyes closed –but still acutely aware that it was Alphonse- he found that the only feelings he registered…was the hot, hard piece of flesh he held.

He didn't bother to wonder about his mental state, it didn't matter because Alphonse was sitting in his lap, his hands were unconsciously gripping Edward's shoulders and when Ed started to move his hand –steady and quick- Alphonse made those little noises…

…Edward leaned his head back and looked up at his beautiful younger brother, bottom lip caught against his teeth just before he let out a small excited gasp at a tighter stroke. Edward had known even before he acknowledged the thought right then…that if Alphonse hadn't been his brother…he would have been fucking him a long time ago…

When Alphonse leaned down to kiss him again, Edward's abdomen was warmed with arousal, Alphonse was trying not to thrust his hips but failing and it was so completely wrong…

…so wrong to be doing this but he did it anyway and he brought Alphonse to his climax in under a minute, his hand messed with his younger brother's semen only a second later…

There was a breathy, moist 'thank you' said against his cheek, mixed with a quiet moan as Alphonse softened slowly in his hand. Edward stared at the lounge over Alphonse's shoulder for a few seconds before he realized he could feel a cooling wetness on his stomach through his shirt…

…just like before.

He lowered his eyes to Alphonse's shoulder and then patted the other blonde's back, he needed to wash his hands and change. No point sitting there like that…

Alphonse didn't object and Edward left the lounge the moment Alphonse was off him, his younger brother looked thoroughly sated and a little confused as he tried to neaten himself with shaking hands.

Edward closed the bathroom door behind him and the click seemed loud enough to echo…he just stood there and stared at the floor tiles for a moment. Then he looked at his hand and spread his fingers slowly, watching as the white substance…his brother's essence, clung to his fingers, cold and distinctive in smell.

It was Alphonse's cum on his hand. He repeated that in his mind a few times, blinking after a moment when his eyes started to burn from staring at his hand wide eyed. Where was the shame…where was the need to purge his stomach of its contents, where was the uncontrollable shaking? He wasn't supposed to touch his brother like that…he wasn't supposed to want to kiss him while doing it…and he wasn't supposed to have enjoyed feeling Alphonse tense and shiver in his lap…

Even if they were pretending…they weren't lovers…

…but it was really starting to feel something like it, everything they did was…like that.

Everything except sex.

What a twisted web they'd woven.

He waited a moment longer, to see if he'd need to throw up…but the odd feeling roused in his stomach turned out to be hunger. With silent socked steps across the tile, Edward approached the basin and opened the tap, placing his soiled hand under the water and watching as the white substance slipped away with slight resistance from his skin.

Belatedly he clenched his hand, moving his fingers together to remove the slickness from between them and then he picked up the soap bar and washed his hands twice, completely composed.

Afterwards he pulled his shirt over his head, used it to wipe at the cold patch on his taut stomach and then tossed it in the wash basket. He left the bathroom feeling about as ordinary as any day the past two weeks.

After he put on a new shirt he made his way back to the lounge, Alphonse was staring at him looking worried.

He wanted to know if Edward was okay.

Edward…felt okay and he said so, smiling at his dishelleved and far too cute younger brother.

But he didn't actually know if he was…in fact, okay.

* * *

It had been a good relaxing day…

He'd slept well, woken feeling good, spent time with Alphonse like he so enjoyed doing –without or without the make out sessions- the aches in his leg were kind of shitty but it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

It had been a good day…

Then the knock at their door came and two minutes later he found himself in the empty apartment building lobby picking up the phone from the desk top,

"Hello?" he said quietly.

- _"Ed?"_  –

It was Winry, he'd known and he knew Alphonse had too. Edward was suddenly oddly nauseas…like the sort he felt when he used to feel guilty.

"Hey Winry, yeah it's me…is everything okay?" his tone was light, he sounded so…like himself, yet inside, he was distant and thinking of Alphonse sitting upstairs…with that angry worried look on his face.

_-"Well, sort of…I mean…I'm upset with you and…Alphonse for not calling me or getting back to me."_

Edward heard the hesitation when she said Alphonse's name, he blinked a few times, glancing at the receptionist forwardly watching him,

"…I wasn't…uh…" he turned around so his back was to the woman, "…I didn't think you'd want me to call you…" he felt sadness –that had been missing- seep into his chest and into his tone of voice, "…after what happened…" he was speaking quietly.

He heard Winry sigh,

 _-"Of course I wanted to talk to you Edward…"-_  her words were simple but he knew they were important.

He'd pretty much run out on her after telling her he wanted to be with her, he closed his eyes,

"…I don't think this is a good way to talk…if you still want to…" he didn't really want to…but then again he did. He was kind of happy she still wanted to speak to him.

 _-"I know…that's why I'm calling. I'm on my way to Central right now…"-_  she sounded a little apologetic.

Edward didn't think he deserved her apology…he never called before he showed up in the past. Still the news rattled his insides and his mouth was suddenly dry,

"Oh…did you leave tonight?" he noticed how his voice was a little nervous.

 _-"Yesterday actually, I'll be there tomorrow morning…8 a.m. Sorry for just calling and showing up…I just got tired of waiting for you to call me back…"-_  she sounded really upset.

Edward was confused by her words,

"Call you back?"

There was a pause and then a soft sigh,

 _-"Yes, I called almost three weeks ago…I spoke to Al…"-_ Edward's heart beat skipped at the small rush of panic he felt,  _-"…he didn't sound…happy to hear from me, he sounded angry actually. I was expecting that from you…"-_  she managed an awkward laugh, she probably didn't know how to deal with an angry Alphonse, Edward knew the feeling. Still her tone of voice held no anger or contempt when she spoke about him.

Edward felt just a bit more sadness creep under his skin, the lobby seemed really chilly all of a sudden,

"He must have told me and I forgot…" he took the blame so easily it was like second nature, "…so where are you calling from?" he was going over the map in his head of the train route through the east.

He could hear very little noise on her end of the line and the thought of her standing around at a phone booth in a train station this late at night made him angry, she should have stayed on the train, not made a call at the stop.

 _-"The train stopped for 20 minutes in Nippax…"-_  he could hear her teeth chattering, he knew it was cold outside, especially so late.

"Winry you shouldn't be off the train, its dangerous standing around a train station this late…" he folded his one arm across his chest, his natural irritation for her stubbornness rising.

She huffed, probably rolled her eyes,

 _-"I had to call Ed, I didn't want to just show up on your door step tomorrow…especially since…well…"_ \- he heard her sniffle,  _-"…well, I wasn't sure if you'd…you know, want to see me…"-_

Edward's chest hurt...she'd probably cried for him…and he didn't deserve her tears,

"…no it's fine, it's no problem Win, wait for me at the station tomorrow morning, I'll meet you."

_-"…are you sure? I wasn't expecting you to come and get me…I was actually going to go to a hotel first and then-"_

"A hotel? You're not staying in a hotel…" he found himself making a face that should have been accompanied by a blush but wasn't, "…you'll stay with me and Al, you can take my bedroom while you're here, okay."

He said it calmly…but in the back of his mind, he knew Alphonse would be angry and it tore at his suddenly resurfacing emotions. He wanted to see Winry and by all rights she should have a home in their home, like they had in hers…but Alphonse would be upset…and Edward didn't want that.

But he'd already made the offer.

 _-"…you sure Ed? I was going to pay for my own hotel…"-_  she joked despite the unspoken problem between them and Edward smiled,

"You're not paying for anything…unless you start buying clothes, you'll pay for that yourself." He joked back and she laughed.

And it gave him butterflies…the same as when Alphonse laughed…yet different somehow.

 _-"…well now that I'm not paying for accommodation I might just do that…"-_ he could hear that she was smiling, then she sighed, sounding less upset,  _-"…I'll see you in the morning then…"-_

Her tone of voice was so like when he used to call her from Creta and she'd be telling him things…things about how she felt…the same wistful tone she used when she'd told him once about a dream she'd had about him…a certain kind of dream…

Edward felt his face warm at that tone of voice but he wasn't smiling…he was feeling nauseas with guilt.

And a voice in his mind whispered that this was how he should feel for Alphonse, this was the feeling Alphonse wanted him to have.

He swallowed thickly, wanting to just lie down,

"Yeah…I'll see you tomorrow…bye Winry."

_-"…bye Edward."-_

The line went dead and he turned around and put the phone down, the receptionist woman looked up from her magazine and Edward nodded his thanks to her before he made his way back upstairs.

He stood outside of the apartment door for a minute, trying to quell the new rush of emotions that had vacated his body for the last two weeks.

When he felt a little calmer he went inside and locked up after himself…then stopped at the lounge entrance and he could practically taste the anger radiating off of Alphonse.

The younger man said nothing as he told him what he already knew…that it was Winry…then he told Alphonse she would be there in the morning and he saw the color drain slightly from Alphonse's face.

Then he told Alphonse she'd be staying with them…feeling pathetic for adding 'I think' to try and make Alphonse less angry at him…but Alphonse just looked away, coldly.

Edward didn't know what else to say…he wasn't feeling so well, so he said goodnight, was ignored and made his way to his bedroom.

Alphonse didn't sleep in the room with him that night.

* * *

Edward was standing and waiting around near the benches where Winry's train would arrive in a few minutes, it was just shy of 8 a.m and Central trains were almost always punctual.

He was feeling sick and unsettled…Alphonse hadn't come out of his bedroom that morning…Mr CookieBoots was the only one to greet him after he showered and freshened up –guilty and angry at himself for taking a few extra minutes to double check he'd shaved close and made sure to add a dab of extra cologne to his skin. He'd thanked the tiny loving presence with a bowl of milk.

He didn't think he was wrong for looking forward to seeing Winry…he didn't think he was wrong for wanting to look good and smell good for her…he should have known he wasn't wrong…but he kept thinking of Alphonse. Feeling like he was betraying Alphonse…

Alphonse's expression from the night before was coming back to him constantly.

He heard the loud whistle of the train expelling steam and he looked up and along the train tracks, he was able to see the train in the distance on the straight path into Central Station. The platform was mostly empty, mid-holiday time meant not a lot of people were travelling.

He pulled his coat closer around him, the icy winds chilled him as they blew up. His automail was aching and his fingers felt numb even through his gloves, he clenched his fists in his pockets as he watched the train pull to a noisy stop on the tracks.

Minutes later people were getting off, not many and there was a moment where no one got off for at least a minute before Winry finally stepped off, carrying a large valise and visibly shivering as the winds kicked up again. Edward walk over to her quickly and she spotted him just before he got to her, she managed a smile behind her bright blue scarf, he could see her eyes crinkle slightly at the ends.

She looked so pretty, her hair was open and hanging over her shoulders, she wore a thick grey coat that was closed up all the way and Edward could see the bottoms of her blue jeans tied into a pair of scuffed lace up mid-calf boots. Winry had never really been the type to dress fancy…

He took her suitcase from her so they could break eye contact, her blue eyes were so bright and he could see a light frown on her face once she got a good look at him. He knew he didn't look well…

"Hey…" he said awkwardly as he shifted his fingers around the handle of the case.

Her frown faded and she pulled her scarf down slightly so he could see her pretty smile,

"Hey you…" she easily stepped closer for a hug and Edward tensed for a second but once she was close to him, arms around his neck and holding him tight, he felt himself relax and he placed his free arm around her upper waist.

After a short but comfortable hug she pulled back and their faces were close enough to kiss…she looked like she wanted to…but Edward didn't know if he wanted her to…and she seemed to realize that, because she stepped back and stuffed her gloved hands into her coat pockets,

"I could use a hot cup of coffee…and a hot bath." She smiled again.

He nodded with a somewhat tense smile,

"Yeah I'll bet, let's go get a cab…"

They walked in silence out of the station and got into one of the few cab's parked outside, Winry was quiet and Edward chose to stay quiet too as they drove in the direction of the apartment.

He was wondering how Alphonse was going to behave around Winry…he wanted to believe his brother wasn't stupid enough to act jealous or rude…they didn't need to rouse suspicion…

"I missed you…" Winry said quietly.

Edward blinked a few times as he turned to look at her, tearing his gaze away from the snowy streets beyond the window,

"…uh…me too." He said…and only belatedly realized it was true, he had.

They stared at each other and Edward could tell she was taking note of the dark skin under his eyes, he hadn't slept last night…he'd missed Alphonse being next to him…

"How's Alphonse doing, he wasn't well when you guys…left?" she looked genuinely concerned.

Just like Mustang had looked, except he'd seen the situation the opposite way, concerned something was wrong with Ed making Al sick…but Winry knew Alphonse had been ill first…

"He's better…" he mumbled and broke eye contact, seeing they were near their street.

"What was wrong? He never did tell us…" she sounded confused.

Edward had thought about what his answer would be to that question many times after they first moved to Central,

"He wasn't happy in Risembool…he was depressed…" it was a valid illness and most of Alphonse's symptoms corresponded…except for the constant vomiting, but he doubted Winry was looking for a medical verdict.

"Oh…it's kind of sad you know. He always said how he couldn't wait to be…" she glanced at the driver, "…well again, so he could come back and live in Risembool…"

Edward bit the inside of his lip and glanced at her,

"…Risembool is great but we got used to moving around…we got used to the city…" he was relieved that the conversation was put on hold when the cab stopped outside the apartment building.

They were making their way up the stairs a few minutes later, Edward walked slowly…his stomach getting more unsettled the closer they got to their apartment, Winry seemed oblivious, looking around at the decent apartment building,

"This is a nice place…" she sounded wistful.

Edward frowned when she wasn't looking at him…remembering when they'd been furnishing the apartment…the woman at the store had pointed out that he should be doing this with a girlfriend…or wife…

He didn't say anything and once they reached the apartment he didn't hesitate to open the door, she'd notice that. He'd locked the door before he left because Alphonse hadn't come out of his bedroom and it was still locked. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his key,

"Isn't Alphonse here?" she asked quietly.

Edward opened the door and pushed it inward, gesturing for her to go first,

"…I think so, he was sleeping when I left…" he mumbled and followed her inside.

It was warm…the fire was burning healthily and Mr CookieBoots walked out of the hall just as Edward closed the door. He meowed and Winry spotted him as she was taking her scarf off,

"Awwwwww!" she was grinning and Edward's heart beat a little faster…just like it had when Alphonse saw the kitten, though not quite as fast.

She stepped over to the kitten, who loved attention and purred the minute she picked him up and cuddled him,

"He's adorable! Alphonse finally got a kitten huh…" she kissed his head and he purred some more.

"Brother bought him for me…" Alphonse stepped into view and Edward was glad Winry turned around just then or she would have seen him pale at the word 'brother'.

He had just taken his coat off and he watched as Alphonse smiled at Winry and hugged her, he looked Edward in the eye over her shoulder and his smile seemed less genuine for a second before he pulled back and gave her his best grin again.

Edward felt cold.

"Oh that's sweet! I thought you hated cats Ed." She glanced back at him, he was glad he'd recovered from his blanch and he was hanging up his coat,

"…nah…I never said that." He mumbled quietly.

He didn't know how to stop the painful rapid beating of his heart or the unsettled feeling in his stomach, Alphonse obviously knew he had to act normal…but something about this just seemed so incredibly fucked up.

If Winry knew…she would hate him…she would blame him.

She'd hate them both.

She was fawning over the kitten for a while, asking what his name was and then she said it was good to see that Alphonse was doing better. Alphonse talked and smiled so convincingly, he said he missed Risembool, but not enough to move back there. Winry to her credit, didn't bring up her feelings about it and Alphonse took the kitten and told her to get out of her coat and boots.

It was bizarrely ordinary.

Edward felt sick.

He waited for her coat to be off and hung it up for her…he could feel Alphonse's eyes on him as he hung the coat up…also when Winry was stepping out of her boots and held his arm for balance…then let her hand slide comfortably over his arm as she turned around to follow Alphonse into the hall.

"You want some coffee, I made lunch if you're hungry…" he offered and Edward watched the back of his head with a hollow feeling in his stomach.

"That sounds great, yes, thanks Al." she touched Alphonse's arm too but her hand didn't linger.

No, lingering touches were for lovers…or potential lovers.

Edward followed them numbly into the kitchen.

* * *

They sat in the warm lounge and exchanged regular pleasantries as they drank their warm coffees and tea, Winry and Alphonse had eaten the lunch Alphonse made.

It was no doubt for Edward since it was one of his favorites…but he wasn't hungry, he was too nauseas…

Edward wasn't talking much and it wasn't all that odd, he'd never been a chatter box.

But he felt the weight of Alphonse's gaze every time it fell on him and it drove him inside himself.

Alphonse was sitting in the single chair…Winry was sitting next to Edward…a little closer than necessary.

It felt natural…it came naturally.

But Edward felt awful and he was having a hard time keeping his expression neutral, suddenly he thought maybe she should have stayed in a hotel…but felt guilty for being so selfish a second later.

Winry held her cup in her thin hands, they were small, slender but well used hands…slightly rough.

Not like Alphonse, he had smooth hands…perfect hands that had never wielded a weapon or a wrench.

"Thanks for the coffee…and the soup was great Alphonse." she said after a moment of silence between the conversation, "…I think I'm gonna take a bath, that two day train ride is so awful, I'll never know how you did it Ed." She turned to look at him with a fond smile.

Edward looked at her and he felt Alphonse's eyes on him, he managed to smile slightly,

"…got used to it." He shrugged and Winry blinked at him inquiringly but didn't say anything.

"The bathroom is the second door on the left, there are fresh towels and there's also a shower built in." Alphonse said in a polite, chipper voice.

Winry turned away from Edward and the older blonde glanced at his younger brother, but Alphonse wasn't looking at him, just smiling slightly at Winry.

She nodded and stood up and Edward did as well,

"Your suitcase is still at the door…I'll leave it in my room, it's the one at the end of the hall." He said without looking at them as he walked out of the lounge.

"You're sure I can sleep in your room, Ed?" he heard her ask as he reached the front door.

"Yeah…" he said audibly.

"Where are you going to sleep?" she appeared in the doorway of the lounge as he stepped toward the hall, he could see Alphonse behind her where he still sat, staring at the fire but most likely listening to them.

Edward said the words before he could stop himself,

"If Al doesn't mind I'll share with him…" he needed to get a good night's rest or he was going to start to lose it again, "…or I'll just take the couch." He added.

He saw Alphonse glance at him and Winry turned to look at him,

"Don't be silly brother, of course you can stay in my room." he said so normally Edward's skin crawled.

"Okay…well now I don't feel so bad…" Winry smiled oblivious to Edward's discomfort and Alphonse's façade.

He walked with her down the hall and gestured to the bathroom door as he passed her, she stopped, nodded and smiled at him…a smile she didn't use in front of Alphonse. It wasn't a suggestive smile but a personal smile, the kind that was meant to remind him of how she felt about him.

Edward found himself returning the smile…but with less enthusiasm.

If she noticed she didn't say anything and stepped into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

He walked to his bedroom and glanced around, he'd tidied it up that morning and changed his sheets…because they smelled like Alphonse.

He clenched his fists and bit down on his jaw as his emotions exhausted him where he stood…then he placed the suitcase against the wall and left the room to face Alphonse in the lounge, passing the bathroom door as he went, hearing the water running.

When he walked back into the lounge Alphonse no longer looked pleasant, he looked like he had the night before, Edward broke out in a cold sweat and sat down where he'd been sitting before.

When the sound of the water cut off silence settled around them and Edward glanced at Alphonse to find those sad green eyes watching him, he swallowed thickly and inwardly winced when Alphonse spoke,

"Did she kiss you when she saw you?" he asked very quietly.

Edward blinked,

"No." he said honestly.

"Did you want her to kiss you?" Alphonse turned his eyes back to the fire.

Edward stared at his younger brother's sad expression,

"…no." he answered again honestly.

Alphonse didn't look relieved…maybe he didn't believe it.

"She wants to be with you…you know that's why she's here." He said quietly and looked at Edward again.

Edward didn't know what to say to that and he couldn't hold Alphonse's gaze.

After some tense silence he heard Alphonse get up and when he looked up the younger man was leaving the lounge, he wanted to say something but he didn't know what to say.

Edward was at a loss…

* * *

When Winry was done bathing and dressing she came back to the lounge and sat down, she'd changed into darker jeans and wore a white sweater, her hair was in its usual ponytail, no longer opened.

Edward hadn't moved from the lounge or his spot on the couch, he was trying to work through everything going on, dealing with guilt of lies and secrets, guilt of hurting Alphonse, guilt of misleading Winry…confusion and anxiety about whether he was misleading her or subconsciously wanted her there.

She had barely sat down –next to Edward again- when Alphonse returned to the lounge and sat down in the single seat couch again…

...and for the rest of the evening, Alphonse stayed in their company.

Edward wasn't sure if he was grateful for that or not…and he didn't know if Winry realized that Alphonse was purposely staying in their company to avoid them being alone.

The conversation came naturally, talking about what they'd been doing –all of the trivial things- and Winry talking about Pinako and that they were doing well.

Winry mentioned a certain new male customer who visited often and was interested in working with automail more than once and Edward was not all that surprised that Alphonse used it as a crutch to bring up an issue,

"He sounds like he might be coming there just to see you…" he said with a friendly teasing smile, "…maybe he likes you Winry."

Winry was not really the bashful type so she didn't giggle, instead she just smiled and waved her hand lazily,

"No I don't think so, he's actually pretty good with his automail knowledge, so I think that's really why he comes around."

Alphonse shrugged,

"Well to me it sounds like he likes you." He insisted.

Edward cringed inwardly and Winry walked right into it,

"Well it doesn't matter…I'm not interested in him like that." And to make matters worse Edward saw her glance at him.

Alphonse didn't say a word more on the subject since his point had been made…and he changed the subject.

Eventually Alphonse had to get up and leave the lounge because the kitten had been rubbing up against his legs for about 20 minutes and Ed and Al both knew it was because he was hungry.

Edward couldn't believe how relieved he was when Winry yawned quietly right after Alphonse left the room and said she was going to get some sleep. Of course not before she turned to face him and again looked like she wanted to kiss him but he remained leaning on the armrest, keeping a good distance between their faces.

She sighed and he knew she'd wanted him to make some sort of move or gesture.

He knew the look well…he always knew when Alphonse wanted to be kissed, it was the same look.

But he couldn't kiss Winry…whether he wanted to or not.

"I hope we get a chance to talk soon." She said quietly.

Edward just nodded and forced himself not to tense when she patted his mid-thigh lightly and then stood up,

"Night Ed." She said quietly.

"Night Winry." He said back just as quiet.

* * *

They'd slept in the same bed, Alphonse's bed instead of Edward's but they'd slept backs facing each other and not touching. Edward knew Alphonse was aware of how stupid it would be to sleep close like they'd been all along while Winry was there. She would knock but she would walk in straight after…and if they locked the door it would be suspicious all on its own.

Still Alphonse had been close and Edward was able to smell his freshly washed skin even as they lay separately and faced away…he may not have slept his best but it was better than the night before.

They were all up early the next morning, Alphonse was out of the room first – to be vigilant- and Edward got up with him. They didn't speak, Alphonse didn't seem to want to talk at all and eventually Winry woke up and then the bizarre charade continued through breakfast.

Edward was distracted…he'd dreamt of Alphonse the night before.

It wasn't a sexual dream…but it hadn't been an ordinary dream either and it didn't consist of much besides them sleeping as they always did together…except in the dream they were naked.

It felt creepy…it'd left him a little out of sorts when he'd woken up that morning.

But by the time Winry said she wanted to do some shopping and visit the Hughes with some gifts, he'd pushed it to the back of his mind. They all showered, freshened up and dressed warm to face the cold weather, it had snowed the night before.

They took a cab to the shopping district of Central City and then spent most of the morning walking with Winry while she went from shop to shop, flanking her sides as opposed to walking beside each other. Alphonse was convincingly pleasant the entire time, except when she wasn't looking, then he'd glance at Edward with hurt eyes.

But Edward was grateful for his pretense…since he wasn't able to muster a convincing act. Once again he was willing to let Winry assume he was being rude or cold, it took the focus off Alphonse in the moments where his eyes reflected how he really felt about Winry.

Edward couldn't believe the contempt he'd seen in Alphonse's glare at one point when Winry was paying for a pair of boots she was going to buy, there was a time when Alphonse loved Winry like a sister…where had that love gone?

When they were done it was after noon, Winry had bought a gift for Gracia and Elicia and they'd taken a cab to visit her. The atmosphere was – as expected from Gracia- perfectly light and warm. She never even mentioned the previous dinner and how incredibly rude Edward had been.

Still, he'd taken a moment to apologize to her in the kitchen when he was helping her make tea and coffee for them all and she'd simply smiled and accepted it, saying he shouldn't worry about it. Alphonse had excused himself to the bathroom and Winry was sitting with Elicia in the lounge looking through her recent drawings.

Elicia wasn't unlike her father, except it was her drawings instead of photographs that she insisted everyone look at.

They spent the early afternoon there, the visit was much better than it had been with Mustang as company and Edward actually found himself enjoying it. Winry's laughter was slightly contagious, it was full and happy and she looked so pretty when she smiled…and when she glanced at him sometimes he just knew she loved him.

And he loved her too, just not as much as Alphonse.

Never as much as Alphonse.

Alphonse was distracted, he had been since after they'd arrived at the Hughes, Edward was happy he wasn't being subjected to the intense looks Alphonse had been giving him all morning but he was curious and concerned about what had taken Al's mind so far away from all of them.

He certainly didn't look upset.

It was around 5.30 p.m when they finally left, Winry teared up as she hugged Gracia and Elicia, saying maybe she should move to Central so she could see them more often. Gracia had given Edward a rather significant look at this point and he'd blushed, feeling awkward…he'd glanced at Alphonse who looked like he hadn't even noticed.

Then the strangest thing happened.

Alphonse left their company, he'd stopped once they were outside Gracia's apartment building and said he had somewhere he wanted to go and that he'd see them later at home.

Edward had been baffled and a little worried…and for some unknown reason…annoyed.

Winry had simply said okay and hugged Alphonse, the younger man waved to him casually as he rushed off across the snowy streets.

Edward hadn't had time to puzzle it out though, since the minute Alphonse was gone Winry hooked her arm through his and suddenly they were walking close and she was talking about how much she missed everyone she'd met in Central. Then she was talking about a new automail leg she was working on for him, saying how she wanted him to have the best. Then she asked how his leg was and he said it was fine, just that his stump hurt from the cold which was normal. Then she was asking how he was  _really_  doing, saying again that she'd missed him.

Edward gave her short, quiet answers…wondering where the fuck Alphonse had gone off to without a care in the world.

They'd eventually found a cab on a street curb as they walked and he was glad they didn't talk in the cab.

But once they got back to the apartment…suddenly Edward was very aware of how alone they were.

Again he wondered where Alphonse had gone, after being a constant tail he was suddenly fine with leaving them alone?

Edward hated how scattered his own mind was, he felt so unfocused.

Winry had gone to take a bath complaining that she was cold and he'd started a fire and stood by it for a while, until he heard her leave the bathroom and he decided to make them coffee.

He was just about to put the kettle on the stove top when he heard Winry call him, so he placed it down on the counter top and walked down the hall…to his bedroom.

She was sitting on the bed with a small smile on her face, she was wearing a grey and blue long sleeve sweater and a comfortable cotton pajama pants.

She patted the bed spot next to her,

"Can we talk now?" she asked quietly.

Edward felt his mouth go dry but he nodded and started to enter the room,

"Close the door." Winry mumbled.

As he did…he felt like he shouldn't…a closed door…in his bedroom alone with Winry. Alphonse would be upset. Still he closed it and went over sat down, she didn't try to close the gap between them, she just interlocked her fingers and fidgeted for a moment.

Edward had no idea what to say so he stayed quiet, sitting facing straight ahead, not toward her and not away from her.

"Are you seeing someone?" she asked quietly.

He turned to look at her, she seemed sad but still she smiled,

"…no. I'm not." He said calmly, surprised that his voice was steady.

"Oh…" she mumbled and glanced around, "…I just thought you were…because you…because you haven't really…even looked at me…properly since I arrived." She sounded sad now and she looked it.

Edward felt the weight of his guilt like a heavy burden on his shoulders.

Still he felt no shame about Alphonse…just guilt for all the lies and secrets.

He looked at her from a side angle,

"Is that why you're here…? You wanted us to talk about…" he knew, he didn't finish the sentence because she knew too.

She nodded,

"Yeah, you left out of the blue…after everything we talked about…after months…" she blushed, "…Edward…for months I laid awake at night wishing you were with me while you were in Creta. I  _needed_  you…I missed you…you said you wanted to be with me…" her blue eyes seemed to shine in the relative dimness of the room as the day time faded.

Edward didn't want her to cry,

"I meant it…" he said honestly and quietly, "…at the time. But…Alphons-…"

"I would move to Central for you…I would live in the city if you needed to be close to him. I know how close you two are…" she frowned, "…I know better than anyone. I would never try to take you away from him especially not if he needs you like he did when he was sick…" she sniffed, a few tears slipped from her eyes, "…but you didn't even talk to me about it, you never gave me an option…"

How close he and Alphonse were…she had no idea…

He closed his eyes as his emotions all raged through him at once.

What should he tell Winry?

He couldn't be with her…he didn't know if he wanted to…but he didn't want to be with Alphonse like that…did he? He knew he was starting to enjoy it…and that strange strange fucking dream…but Winry…he had feelings for her…he missed her…and she loved him…but Alphonse loved him…

One was wrong and one was right…but the one that was right felt wrong…

Edward hadn't realized how fucked up his perspective had become until right then…

"Edward?" she prompted him when he said nothing for a while.

He shook his head,

"I…I don't know…" he said quietly with a deep frown.

"You don't know…if you want to be with me?" there was no nastiness to her tone, she was asking sincerely and sadly.

He looked away from her and stared at the floor, she sighed and shifted closer,

"Ed…do you…you said he had feelings for me…do you, did you really?"

He nodded rather quickly and looked at her again, blinking when he registered that she was much closer,

"Yes, I…I have feelings for you…Winry…I…" he could smell soap on her skin, and light feminine perfume too…her hair was open, framing her slender face, her blue eyes sad and her eyelashes wet from slight tears.

She was so pretty…

…but Alphonse…he was…beautiful…

But Alphonse was his brother…Winry…she was…

She was just staring at him and she sniffed sadly,

"…but you don't want a relationship with me?"

Edward let his gaze fall between them to the bed,

"…it's…it's complicated…" he said stupidly because it wasn't.

Alphonse was more important…he'd chosen Alphonse…he always would.

Winry touched his face so he looked at her again, she was looking into his eyes with a sad frown and then she glanced at his lips, he knew what that look was…her eyes were sad but hopeful, inviting…they were alone in the apartment…and she wanted him…and he…

Edward watched her lean toward him and at the last minute he leaned forward so their lips touched.

Winry pressed into it, her lips full and feminine, fit well against his own…but felt different than what he'd become used to.

Still…he felt the first trails of arousal naturally run through him.

There was no moment to ask, Winry parted her lips accepting him easily and he kissed her as she let him. Her hands held his face and he found himself holding her face as well, her skin was soft and her face was thin…but there was no defined jaw line that he could easily trace his thumb along.

She pulled back for a moment, blushing, lips pouted and red as she lay down with her hands on his shoulders and Edward lay down next to her, their legs still mostly off the bed.

When he was leaning over her she pulled him down again, hand lightly on the back of his neck, long fingernails tickling his nape.

Edward kissed her deeply, his eyebrows drawing together as he felt himself getting hard. It distressed him quite badly that it was happening so easily for her and he thought confusedly that this should be Alphonse getting a reaction like this from him.

Winry's hands sliding down over his chest was turning him on…

The inner arousal was not as intense as with Alphonse…but the outward reaction was instantaneous.

Her hands slipped under his shirt and she moaned quietly while feeling his lean muscled torso, Edward's hands were shaking as he touched her in ways he knew would make her wet, his fingers trailing under her sweater, over her smooth soft stomach...

His own stomach was rife with pain and he felt sick with guilt as he slid his hand further up…finding she wasn't wearing a bra as he palmed her full breasts.

He was completely hard now…and Alphonse hadn't left his subconscious thoughts…

She moaned and shifted her legs so one was between his, she bent her leg so her thigh pressed to his hardness and Edward swallowed a noise from his throat at the wonderful pressure.

He could fuck her right then…it was simple…so simple.

He had every right to.

She wanted it…

She said his name quietly as he tweaked one of her hard nipples.

It would be the simplest thing in the world…he was terribly sexually frustrated…it hurt so badly sometimes but he refused to masturbate…and here was Winry…

Willing body beneath him…her hand was rubbing his erection through his jeans and it felt so fucking good.

But…this was meant to be for Alphonse…he'd promised.

And in his mind he saw Alphonse's face, he could taste Alphonse…who so badly wanted to please him…he so badly wanted Edward to want him.

So much fucking guilt was making it hard to focus.

Edward pulled out of the kiss so he could clench his jaw without biting her tongue, hiding his face in her neck as he slid his hand over her loose pants and pressed his hand between her legs –she moaned quietly and kissed his neck- she so warm there even through her clothes. Winry's body was hot…she was ready…and she'd feel so good.

And yet…he knew…he just knew he wasn't going to do it.

It didn't matter that he could sleep with her…it mattered that he didn't want to…

He felt her opening his belt and popping the button of his jeans and knew it was time to stop…it had been time to stop five minutes earlier.

This was wrong…he shouldn't mislead her…

He wasn't going to be with her…he was going to be with Alphonse.

He wanted to be with Alphonse…any way Alphonse would have him…he'd settle for, he'd make the effort.

Winry dazedly asked what he was doing when he removed her hands gently from his undone jeans and he sat up, licking his lips and swallowed down the lump in his throat,

"I'm sorry Winry…I won't do this with you…" he sounded raspy, body burning with need.

She sat up, he felt her run her hands over his back underneath his shirt, kissing his neck,

"Why not…?" she sounded breathless.

"Because…when it's over you'll still be going back to Risembool…and I'll still be staying here." He said plainly, letting her know he wasn't going to be with her in a quiet voice.

She slowly removed her hands from his shirt and he heard her very quietly say, "…o-okay." her voice faltering.

He knew she would cry and he didn't want to see it…so he stood up, muttered that he was sorry and walked to the door.

He stepped out and closed it quietly behind him…when he turned around Alphonse was standing in the darkened hallway near the kitchen, his eyes wide and Edward saw him look down…to his undone jeans and belt.

He hadn't even heard the main door…but Alphonse had taken off his coat and shoes…so he had to have been there for a short while…and he looked shocked…shocked and hurt…then angry as took deep breaths, they stared at each other through the barely lit hall.

Alphonse broke their eye contact first, his eyes lined with angry tears about whatever he thought he knew and did know they'd been doing. Edward watched him stalk hurriedly to his bedroom and he pushed the door open,

In an instant…anger that Edward hadn't been acknowledging…hadn't been allowing to take control…it came up full force, trumping the guilt and the sadness.

Edward was in  _pain_ …literal pain from his emotions and his fucking aching  _need_.

Alphonse was the cause…he was the reason…this was all for him!

Edward walked toward the door seconds after Alphonse and caught it before it slammed, he walked inside and closed it himself, not loudly but not quietly.

Alphonse turned around quickly when the door didn't slam shut and when he saw Edward he was about to say something…about to run some guilt trip that Edward wasn't interested in hearing.

So Edward shut him up, he strode across the room to Alphonse near the desk, he grabbed the younger by the front of his shirt and shoved him against the wall next to the desk hard enough to knock some air out of him.

Alphonse grimaced when his back hit the wall and he frowned…looking worried and pained now instead of angry as he looked over Edward's face.

Edward was breathing heavily through his teeth, he could have said many things…but as he looked at Alphonse's hurt expression he remembered the shower…he remembered Alphonse on top of him on the couch…all that want…all that need…all that love…all for him…

Edward let go of Alphonse's shirt and the younger blonde didn't try to move away, Edward knew that Alphonse knew when he was angry…and he was…so fucking angry…

…but so frustrated…and Alphonse was so gorgeous, looking at him with bright, hurt green eyes.

He placed one of his hands at the side of Alphonse's head against the wall and he leaned close, exhaling heavily as his other hand found Alphonse's and Edward continued to breathe through clenched teeth as he pressed his younger brother's hand against his relentless erection still fully hard and weeping underneath his clothes.

Alphonse's breath hitched and he instantly pressed his hand there on his own.

Alphonse glanced between them and then he was staring straight into Edward's eyes, Edward licked his lips and subtly nodded at the unspoken question and excitement expressed to him.

Edward didn't know what to expect…he just knew he wanted to cum and it had to be for Alphonse.

His pants were already undone so Alphonse just pulled them down, along with Edward's boxers…and then he was on his knees…just like in the shower. Edward leaned both hands on the wall and looked down as he started to tremble slightly, he felt Alphonse's perfect smooth hand wrap around his sex and he frowned deeply at the pleasure he felt from just the shortest first strokes Alphonse made experimentally.

He needed this…

He watched then through his sexually induced haze as Alphonse, flustered and short on breath…licked the head of his sex.

Edward let out a heavy quiet breath and clenched his fists against the wall…the sight of Alphonse doing that did as much for his arousal as the actual sensation. It was so wrong…and so amazing.

He opened his mouth in a silent moan as he watched Alphonse take him into his mouth…and Edward kept his eyes open the entire time…watching his younger brother slowly start to suck his cock.

It was…incredible…the pleasure he felt…Alphonse was moaning around him –quiet but intense- his mouth wet…and hot and his eager tongue was divine as it shaped along the underside of his shaft and his smooth hands were massaging Ed's inner thighs…his balls…

It was  _Alphonse_ doing this to him…and yet it didn't matter…because it felt fucking amazing.

Alphonse looked up at him and only then did Edward close his eyes and raise his head, his body was hot, shaking and he was throbbing…he was so close it was hurting.

What Alphonse lacked in experience he made up for in enthusiasm.

Edward placed a shaken hand into Alphonse's hair right before he started to rock his hips slowly forwards and backwards to get steadier rhythm to go with Alphonse's determined sucking.

Winry was in the next room…and the door wasn't locked…and it was Alphonse…on his knees…and Edward didn't give a shit…

…because Alphonse's mouth felt so perfect…

Edward looked back down and stared straight into Alphonse's green eyes as he slowly fucked his mouth.

There was only lust and love reflected back to him…

…and he didn't look away, this was what he'd chosen…

This is what Alphonse wanted…what he was offering…

And they couldn't go back, not before and definitely not now…

Edward lightly gripped Alphonse's soft hair as he felt himself reach orgasm…slow, hot and intense pleasure coursed through his shaking body, he opened his mouth and his moan came out in a long shaken breath to keep silent…as he came in Alphonse's mouth.

It was disgusting…and fucking incredible.

…and Edward would never forget how deeply Alphonse moaned when he tasted him.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -All medical information in this chapter was researched to be as accurate as possible.
> 
> \- Sildenafil Citrate is the proper name of the drug mentioned in the story, all other names more commonly known are brand names.
> 
> \- Edward and Alphonse's heights are accurate according to the original manga ending. (See Chapter 108 Final Elric Family Picture)
> 
> \- Credit to Vienna.Wood on Fanfiction . net for the artwork.
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Cold Play

* * *

  
_Oh brother I can't, I can't get through_   
_I've been trying hard to reach you, cause I don't know what to do_   
_Oh brother I can't believe it's true_   
_I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you_   
_Oh I wanna talk to you_   
_You can take a picture of something you see_   
_In the future where will I be?_   
_You can climb a ladder up to the sun_   
_Or write a song nobody has sung_   
_Or do something that's never been done_

  
_Are you lost or incomplete?_   
_Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?_   
_Tell me how do you feel?_   
_Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak_   
_And they're talking it to me_

  
_So you don't know were you're going, and you wanna talk_   
_And you feel like you're going where you've been before_   
_You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored_   
_Nothing's really making any sense at all_

* * *

Alphonse was not stupid.

He knew full well that he could not act suspiciously around Winry, he knew that even if he wanted to give her filthy looks and tell her to leave because she was  _not_ welcome…he couldn't do that. No, he would have to act as normal as possible for the sake of keeping their dark secret.

Because he was never so blind that he would forget how wrong what they were doing was…or the consequences Edward would undeservingly suffer along with him for this.

But it would be hard, Alphonse knew why Winry was coming to see Edward, he knew it wasn't just because she wanted to visit or see how they were doing…it was because Edward had left her without an explanation and she still wanted him.

It made Alphonse nauseous…Winry was really the only one who inspired such intense jealousy within him… and it was because he knew Edward had feelings for her…Edward had wanted to  _marry_  her and his brother wasn't the type to take something like marriage lightly.

Edward having wanted to marry Winry meant the feelings he had for her…were serious…and it cut like a knife to know that, because he loved Edward and he wanted to be with him…but how could he compete with Winry…?

…maybe he could have…if they weren't brothers.

He could have tried to win Edward's romantic heart under different –non-sibling- circumstances…but he couldn't do that, not as his brother…never as his brother…

He sat up slowly in his bed, he'd missed Edward holding him the night before since he'd chosen to sleep alone…but he'd needed to cry and he wouldn't do that to Edward…cry and make him feel bad, no matter how angry he was, they were passed that sort of manipulation now.

He felt the chill in the air of the bedroom, he knew it was really cold outside and he decided to be angry at Winry for dragging Edward out to meet her in this weather that would no doubt leave Ed's automail aching. He sat for a little while with his crisp unused blanket bunched around his waist, just thinking about what he had to do…how he had to pretend to be happy to see her.

And he knew she'd look pretty, Winry was really attractive.

Alphonse had even had a little crush on her after he'd first gotten his body back, but it hadn't lasted long…not once she started yelling and treating him like she did Edward, his interest had been purely skin deep and short lived. It made him wonder how Edward had feelings for such an aggressive woman…

But he knew their tastes in girls could just be different, not that he wanted a girl…ever again.

He'd liked Winry as a little boy, he vaguely recalled, but she'd been very girly when they were little. Dresses, dolls and wanting to play with make-up…

It was around thirteen when Winry underwent a drastic change…obviously she'd learned more about herself.

They hadn't seen her for almost six months since Edward was a State Alchemist already and they'd been in Central…and when they'd returned for a check up to his leg, Winry had been in a grease stained dungaree with her long hair pulled up into an untidy ponytail, bangs pushed back from her plain face by large goggles, welding gloves on her hands and very dirty boots on her feet.

She'd been sitting at Pinako's work desk busy with a piece of some automail…and when she'd seen them, the first thing she did was yell about how inconsiderate they were to just show up without calling.

Alphonse had been surprised…and Edward had been annoyed.

He found it funny when he thought about it now…he and Edward never talked about the change in Winry, they just got used to it. It just became who Winry was and the scariest part was that it suited her better than pretty dresses and flowers in her hair.

Maybe that's what Edward liked…she was tough and she knew him in ways no one else did.

No one besides Alphonse.

That's what made Winry his worst fear and actual competition.

He kicked the blankets off himself in frustration, uninterested in the cold suddenly hitting him as he put his bare feet to the tiles and left the bedroom, he needed to shower and be ready when Edward returned with Winry.

He walked into the bathroom and immediately noticed it smelled like Ed's regular cologne…and aftershave.

He clenched his jaw, pulling back the shower curtain roughly, he _hated_  that Edward would make himself smell good and look nice for her…

He had a quick shower and then went through the routine of brushing his teeth, combing his hair and making himself look reasonable, he wasn't interested in what she thought of him but he had to look well at the very least. Once he was done he went to his bedroom and got dressed, then to the lounge to light the fire and warm the place up because Edward's automail would be hurting when he got back.

After that was done he made an early lunch…or late breakfast –whichever way you looked at it- and considering the weather he chose to make winter minestrone. Edward always did like rich soups and it only took him a little more than a half hour before it was ready…and he hated that Winry would get to eat it too.

He was just checking if there was enough bread to make croutons when he heard the door open and the sound of voices, Edward's voice distinctly. He took a breath when he realized he'd stopped breathing, his muscles were tense and he was biting down on his jaw, suddenly anxious about having to deal with Winry.

There was quiet and shuffling, he heard the door close and then he heard Winry's drawn out 'aw' after CookieBoots meowed softly and he hated that she was probably going to touch his kitten. He took another breath, pressing his sweaty hands to his face and reminding himself that he wasn't a child and this sort of jealousy was ridiculous.

He was an adult…

He was an adult who was in love…with a man who was possibly in love with the woman visiting them…

His chest ached but he braced himself and left the kitchen quietly,

"He's adorable! Alphonse finally got a kitten huh…" he heard Winry say, sounding as pleasant as ever.

He reached the hall end and found Winry was facing Edward while cuddling his kitten,

"Brother bought him for me…" he said in a pleasant voice and Winry turned to look at him quickly, a smile easily lighting up her face…whereas Edward paled.

It took Alphonse the second in which Winry gave him a warm one armed hug that he met Edward's wide, strained, pale gold eyes…for him to realize he'd said 'brother' and it had felt like the most natural thing to say…it was as if Winry's presence was enough to set him back to talking like he always did.

He supposed it was a good thing, Winry would probably notice if she heard him call Edward by his name all the time, since he'd never done that before. But he saw how it shocked Edward and honestly once he realized, it made him a little uncomfortable too.

When the hug was over –and Alphonse was trying to stop his skin from crawling- Winry was beaming again, talking to Edward who looked downright uncomfortable as he put away his coat and mumbled an answer.

Alphonse was still surprised by how the hug had made him feel, he knew he felt like he hated Winry…but he'd loved this girl as a sister and friend for so long…so it threw him off that he felt so cold toward he now.

She turned back to him and started talking cheerily, he answered her questions with his best fake smile, the one he'd used on Mustang weeks ago but Winry wasn't so observant so she wouldn't try to see passed it. He wanted to look at Edward but she was looking at him…and he had to act natural…so in order to get her to look away he reached out for the kitten and told her to take her coat and shoes off.

Of course it aggravated the shit out of him that Edward took her coat like some gentleman that he most certainly was not…or was he? To his lovers? Was Edward the type of guy who opened doors and pulled out chairs…his stomach knotted with pain and jealously at the thought and worsened when Winry leaned on Edward for balance while stepping out of her shoes.

Her hand lingering as if she had any right to touch him…and it hurt to know that she did…she had a right.

It was Alphonse who had no right…

He turned away abruptly, feeling sick and upset like he had felt all through the previous night, he offered her coffee and lunch, managing to keep his voice reasonably cheerful and heard both her and Edward following him to the kitchen.

He felt Winry touch his arm and though his skin crawled, he forced himself to smile down at her, she was just about a head shorter than him and Edward.

He had a feeling it'd be harder to force his smile the longer she was there.

But he would try his best…for Edward's sake and his own.

* * *

They ate lunch in the lounge, he and Winry ate…Edward had said he wasn't hungry but had accepted coffee.

Edward was avoiding eye contact with him, even as they sat talking about trivial stuff that Winry felt compelled to share. Alphonse was hard pressed not to tell her he didn't give an actual fuck…

…he instead politely humored her with conversation, because to Winry Alphonse had always been polite and well-mannered and that had to be how he behaved to avoid suspicion, all the while Edward stayed quiet –although more than usual- as they talked. He was barely bothering to answer or talk with more than mumbled words as he stared at the fire with an expression somewhere between uncomfortable and distracted.

He was leaning against the armrest…away from Winry.

Whether Edward was doing it intentionally or subconsciously because of his own presence in the room, it didn't do to upset Alphonse any less. He couldn't show his outward irritation though… because he had already known Winry would sit next to Edward which was exactly why he'd sat in the single chair.

It would have seemed odd and forced for him to sit on the main couch, next to Edward or at all…

When there came a lull in the forced –though well pretended- conversation, Winry said thanks for the coffee and lunch and he was relieved when she said she was going to take a bath but first she complained about the train ride and turned to give Edward her attention at that point.

Alphonse stared at the back of her head, keeping his expression neutral and wondering if Edward would picture her naked in the bath like he'd done so many times about Edward.

He could have gagged…but he wasn't a child.

He heard Edward mumble something and he quickly became annoyed with Winry not leaving the room, so he prompted her,

"The bathroom is the second door on the left, there are fresh towels and there's also a shower built in." he kept his voice light.

She turned to look at him…but didn't say anything about his abrupt interruption, so he added a sugary smile.

She finally stood up and he was pleased…but when Edward stood up too Alphonse felt his stomach lurch wondering why Ed was getting up with her…since she was going to take a bath. His chest hurt suddenly and even after Edward clarified that he would take her suitcase through to the bedroom for her…the pain didn't immediately go away.

 _'…ugh…it fucking hurts to feel like this…'_  he frowned to himself when they both started to leave, Alphonse hated how the jealously and fear of Winry's presence was tearing him up inside.

He barely heard what Winry said…but he heard Edward's words and he was happy to hear that Edward would sleep in his bedroom…if only because it would mean he wouldn't have to worry about what they were doing outside of the room when he went to sleep.

"Don't be silly brother, of course you can stay in my room." He answered in a steady voice when he glanced at them and saw Winry's raised eyebrows and Edward's slight frown.

"Okay…well now I don't feel so bad…" Winry's pleasant voice caused him to look away and he knew Edward had as well.

He heard them go down the hall and immediately clenched his jaw at the pain in his chest, closing his eyes and swallowing the lump in his throat. This was as hard as he'd imagined it would be, every time she looked at Edward with that overly fond – and familiar- smile it felt like she was kicking him in his chest…it was more than just a friendly familiarity…he knew that.

And he found himself wondering if anything had ever happened between Edward and her…he doubted it because they'd left so soon after Edward arrived in Risembool…and they'd left on bad terms too.

Surely she and Edward hadn't had a chance to…he felt his nausea worsen for a moment so he shifted in his seat and placed his hand on his stomach lightly, trying to get it under control.

He could hear the water running in the bathroom and a moment later Edward came back into the lounge and walked back to his seat, settling down and leaning once again toward the fire.

Alphonse glanced at him and saw stress in the line of his fine blonde eyebrows, however faint it was…the calmness Edward had been exhibiting so steadily the past two weeks was gone.

Suddenly he was Edward again…and not that detached person Alphonse had been living with.

He felt the need to cry compress his throat and he swallowed sorely, the running water sound stopped in the background and Edward glanced at him…then held his gaze looking anxious and guilty.

Guilty about what, Alphonse didn't want to know but asked anyway,

"Did she kiss you when she saw you?" he asked very quietly.

Edward looked mildly confused,

"No." he said plainly, his voice quiet and steady.

Alphonse looked away from Edward's eyes, he didn't want to see the expression Edward would have next,

"Did you want her to kiss you?"

There was a beat of silence and then,

"…no." Edward said just audibly and he sounded meek.

Alphonse didn't know if he believed that…Winry looked so pretty…and surely she'd have hugged him or something…she was here after all to try and bring Edward back with her…to marry her…

"She wants to be with you…you know that's why she's here." He mumbled, sounding upset even to himself but he needed to know if Edward understood why she was here.

His heart constricted painfully when Edward didn't answer after a long silence…

…maybe Edward knew…and it was what he really wanted.

He stood up, his legs felt a little weak but he needed a moment to recompose himself…so he walked out of the lounge, down the hall and into his bedroom.

He pushed the door almost closed behind him so it was resting in the frame but not shut and he took a few deep breaths as Edward's silence continued to make him hurt. It would make sense that Edward knew why she was here, it was so obvious after all and while he knew that they'd left Risembool in a bad way…he had no idea what Edward and Winry had actually talked about…that day when she'd hit Edward out of anger.

What did Edward tell her?

Back then they'd decided that together they'd try to work through Alphonse's affliction and 'fix' him.

Had Edward maybe promised to see her soon? Or said he intended to return to Risembool…

…as soon as Alphonse was 'fixed'.

Was that why she was there? Because Edward might have told her to give him a month…?

His chest hurt very badly at the thought and he had to wipe some tears away from his eyes.

Eventually he went and sat down on his bed…he was trying to decide what he should do. He could just ask Edward if he wanted to be with Winry…but the possible answer of  _yes_  terrified him.

He didn't want to lose Edward…even though he didn't really have him anyway.

He didn't know how long he sat there for but the sound of the bathroom door opening broke his train of sad thoughts and a few seconds later Edward's bedroom door closed. It was Edward's bedroom…but they shared it…like a couple.

He listened to the silence beyond the door until he heard Ed's door open again and then footfalls pass his door…Winry was obviously going back to the lounge…and while he didn't want to torture himself by watching her subtly touch Edward and give him longing looks, he forced himself to get up to go back to the lounge as well.

He couldn't leave them alone…he couldn't give Winry the chance to change Edward's mind.

When he reached the lounge Winry was sitting next to Edward –just a bit closer than earlier- smelling all flowery and fresh with her long hair pulled back from her slender face…and he wanted to tell her not to sit so close to his older brother…but he had no fucking right.

Alphonse sat heavily in the single seater but smiled when she looked at him…and she smiled back.

If she was annoyed at his timely return, she said nothing. Edward looked like he hadn't moved…and he wasn't smiling, not even a fake sort.

Winry didn't sense the tension, Alphonse knew she was oblivious.

She talked easily, she seemed to have so much to say it was annoying but again he talked and answered her questions…and then she mentioned a guy a few times…his name was something with a 'G', Alphonse didn't bother remembering it, what was important about that conversation piece was that he could use it to find out where Winry stood on dating.

He made it a joke as he suggested the guy might be visiting to see Winry and not just for automail tutelage, but being the hard-ass she was she didn't even blush or act shy, she just brushed the suggestion away, disagreeing.

Alphonse really wondered what it was that made Winry attractive to his older brother, hadn't Edward always said he didn't like her gear headed lack of femininity…? So what if she was really easy on eyes or had a nice body…there were plenty of women like that!

He insisted to Winry with a small smile that the 'G' guy liked her, hoping she'd say something along the lines of 'oh well, he is kind of handsome' or 'you think so? Maybe I should pay more attention'.

Instead she plainly said she wasn't interested and glanced at Edward, who blinked at her awkwardly.

Alphonse wanted to throw her out of the apartment right then…but he couldn't do that…because this was Edward's apartment and Winry was here for him…and he was only the younger brother…

Winry got right back on track and started talking about some drama that had been happening in Risembool recently as if it were interesting…but Alphonse was distracted by Mr CookieBoots rubbing up against him and purring at his feet…

…for 15 minutes…

…he knew his kitten was hungry but Winry was laughing and smiling and there was a faint ease in Edward's face every time she did.

Still, he had to leave them…he couldn't ignore his pet…Mr CookieBoots deserved better than that, so very quietly he excused himself, picked up his kitten and left the lounge.

He walked into his bedroom where all of the kitten's stuff was and he placed the purring fur ball down, he followed Al as he walked over to his mostly empty book shelf and picked up the bag of dry cat food Edward had bought. As he put some food into the bowl he tried to listen for any conversation…because he'd know they were talking and not…kissing or something.

But he couldn't hear anything, not even muffled talking and he crumpled the food packaging in a tight fist before he clenched his jaw and closed the bag up hastily. He was about to start crying –the image in his head of Edward kissing her was making him feel like he couldn't breathe- but then he heard footfalls in the hall…one set…and Edward's bedroom door closed.

He blinked, tears stayed for the moment…and listened from where he knelt on the floor next to the kitten while it ate.

He heard light switches going off…then the bathroom door closed.

Two minutes later it opened again and Alphonse got up from the floor, taking the food back to the shelf just when he heard Edward's uneven steps stop outside the door and he entered quietly.

It was amazing how tense the atmosphere was…after two weeks of it being so easy between them…

He didn't say anything and neither did Edward, he turned around and watched as Ed comfortably walked over to his wardrobe and found himself a shirt and loose pants of Al's to sleep in.

It made Alphonse feel a little better…since Edward was obviously avoiding his own bedroom because Winry was in there.

When Edward pulled his shirt up over his head Alphonse felt his heart beat elevate but he didn't stare, Winry's presence in the apartment was a constant reminder that he couldn't go up to Edward and kiss his neck…or his chest –he hadn't ever done that before.

He walked over to his wardrobe and pulled out a pajama pants, his shirt was fine for sleeping in…

Just before he dropped his jeans he glanced at Edward, the older blonde was pulling the loose pants up over his boxer shorts, Edward didn't seem even remotely uncomfortable…his expression was so blank.

Alphonse dropped his pants, leaving him in his preferred boxer-briefs for a second before he pulled the pajama pants up.

When he turned back around Edward was politely tossing his worn clothes on the floor.

Alphonse wanted to complain but instead he stayed silent as Edward pulled the clean bed covers back –only used once the night before- and got into the bed. He walked over and picked up the older man's clothes, folding it along with his own pants and putting the items on his desk chair to put in the wash in the morning.

"Sorry…" he heard Edward mumble and he glanced over as he walked to the light switch near the door.

"It's fine." He said just as quietly and flipped the switch so the bedroom was dark.

Alphonse left the door open slightly, knowing the kitten would be in and out and then he went over to the bed and crawled over Edward like he did many nights, into his spot next to the wall.

Different bed, same positions…door open…different situation entirely.

They faced their backs to each other and Alphonse took a deep breath before closing his eyes to try and sleep.

* * *

The morning was pure irritation for Alphonse.

Winry was so fucking pleasant it was starting to get on his nerves, especially since he and Edward hadn't said two words to each other since waking up…yet she just walked into the kitchen, sleepy eyed and looking pretty anyway…smiling her damned good mornings.

Alphonse had glanced at Edward, wanting to see how he'd react when he saw Winry's bed tousled state.

The older blonde barely glanced at her when he greeted, he was shoveling scrambled eggs into his mouth, apparently feeling hungry that morning.

He seemed distracted by something…

…that morning when Alphonse had woken up he'd been struck with the oddness of waking to find Edward awake, sitting up and staring at him.

He'd not said anything…assuming Edward hadn't been able to sleep, much like himself, so he'd just crawled over Edward off the bed and left to go to the bathroom…

…even though he would have liked a morning kiss...like he usually got.

He didn't know what Edward was thinking about…but after breakfast he seemed to have pushed it to the back of his mind and when Winry said she wanted to go shopping and visit Gracia and Elicia, Edward just nodded in acquiescence…

…Alphonse was left to agree as well since he wouldn't leave them alone.

He didn't really want to follow Winry around while he bought useless junk…but he did think he and Edward owed Gracia an apology at least.

So they'd all gotten ready and Alphonse tried not to get pissed off when Edward once again used aftershave, the older man hardly bothered with it other times…though it smelled really good on him and Alphonse appreciated it…

…but he was wearing it for Winry's benefit.

 _'…maybe I should tell him I like the way it smells…and how soft it makes his skin feel…'_ he licked his cold lips and grimaced inwardly as they exited another shop.

He'd been giving Winry dirty looks whenever she was faced away from him…he couldn't help it…she was constantly asking Edward his opinion on things like sweaters and tops…and at one point she'd picked up a sexy winter dinner dress off the rack and asked Edward his opinion on the royal blue garb.

Alphonse wanted to ring her neck…Winry  _never_  wore clothes like that, it was like she was trying to get Edward to compliment her. To his credit, Edward didn't fall for the obvious ploy and he just shrugged, saying it was a nice dress…nothing about it being nice with regards to her possibly in it.

She didn't buy the dress…but Alphonse was worried she'd drag them to the lingerie department next and ask Edward what he thought about some skimpy push-up bra…he was seething inwardly.

Wanting to avoid this he chose to point out the time, being almost noon, so that Winry didn't drag them around anymore and he was rewarded for it.

The shopping ended and they made their way to Gracia's apartment.

* * *

It was a better visit this time around, without the tension caused by the General but it was still very annoying because Winry wouldn't stop smiling and laughing, she was so happy…like she hadn't a care in the world.

Which he supposed was true, compared to his issues Winry was a fucking angel.

When Gracia said she would make tea, Edward had offered to help, leaving Winry in the lounge so Elicia could show off her drawings; he took it as his chance for a break from Winry, since Edward would be in the kitchen away from her.

So as Gracia and Edward stood up he did as well and he excused himself to the bathroom.

A short moment later he closed himself into the bathroom and sighed, frowning like he'd been wanting to do all day. He was feeling worse and worse…Winry had been talking to Gracia about how much she liked the city…something about the idea of moving out to Central or a busier place like Rush Valley, saying it would do her some good.

So  _now_  she was tired of Risembool…after so many years being a happy farm girl?

He'd been tempted to scoff…but he'd just chanced a glance at Edward, who was watching Winry –while she smiled happily and talked- and he'd had a slight frown on his face…but a little smile too.

The sight had shaken Alphonse's insides…he was wondering if they'd been talking in some kind of code.

Maybe Edward just hadn't told him yet…maybe Winry was moving to Central.

He glanced around the clean tiled bathroom, he even glanced at his reflection in the mirror and hated seeing the pathetic, miserable look on his face. He ran a hand over his face and then back up through his hair, glancing at the toilet before walking over to it, he lifted the lid and the seat up and relieved himself.

Once he was done peeing he dropped the seats like the well-mannered boy he was, flushed and walked to the double basins. He washed his hands and then shook them slightly, distracted by the head ache that'd been pounding behind his eyes all morning.

It seemed to worsen the more stressed out he became.

He had shut his eyes at the quick intense ache but he opened them again once it dulled, then he turned around to dry his hands on the available small hand towel. He was about to leave the bathroom right when the ache in his head throbbed badly making him dizzy. Alphonse swallowed a groan and stepped back over to the basins, leaning there on the counter a moment until it hurt less. He sighed when the ache eased again and he glanced at the medicine cabinet over the basins, hoping to find some decent head ache pills, he opened it.

He was surprised by the amount of pill bottles in the cabinet, it was almost completely full of medications except for a lady razor and a small box of tampons. Alphonse blushed, re-thinking how polite he was for going through a woman's bathroom cabinet.

But he didn't want to ask Gracia for pills and besides…he'd already opened the cabinet and seen her lady stuff, what was the point of closing it now? Also…he was curious about what all of the pills were, so he reached in and took them out bottle by bottle.

Muscle relaxants, children's vitamins, children's aspirin, anti-depressants, anti-depressants...very strong sleeping pills, calcium tablets, iron tablets, unfinished antibiotics capsules, head ache pills, Sildenafil…anxiety pills…

Alphonse dropped the bottle of anxiety pills so it fell into the basin as his attention reverted quickly and he snatched up the Sildenafil…his heart beat had increased very quickly…if he hadn't been reading medical journals and learning all he had these passed years for when he started studying…he wouldn't have recognized the pills.

He blushed awkwardly, wondering what the hell Gracia was doing with that sort of medication. Alphonse glanced at the label on the bottle to see who the prescription was for…and was surprised to find it was Gracia's. He'd suspected maybe it had been Hughes's…women almost never used this sort of medication.

It was for men.

Then again, he clutched the Sildenafil bottle tightly, possessively and picked up the anti-depressants seeing they were made out for Gracia as well.

He blinked rapidly as his brain processed the new information far quicker than his excited heart beat…and then he felt short of breath as many things suddenly started to make sense to him.

Gracia was taking anti-depressants…strong ones…and she was also taking sexual enhancers…

While he supposed it was healthy that she was trying to move on since Hughes had been gone for years now, depression and a lack of sexual drive would make that difficult…the pills made sense…

…but not just for Gracia. For Edward too…

Technically, Sildenafil was primarily used to treat erectile dysfunction in men but the drug produced the same internal result in women…it made blood flow at an increased rate to the penis…or lady parts…so that arousal could be achieved much faster and without hassle.

In men this meant blood pressure to the penis which would result in an erection…in a woman…well Alphonse knew what it did, it provided the moisture a woman should get from having a natural sex drive.

He still blushed stupidly…because the pills were Gracia's and it was awkward somehow.

He raised the bottle of Sildenafil to eye level and frowned at it, thinking back to two days ago when he'd asked Edward if he enjoyed what they did together, if he felt  _anything_. Edward had said that he did feel something…but that it didn't manifest itself outwardly…the older blonde got turned on but he couldn't get an erection.

That was the very definition of erectile dysfunction…except…Edward didn't have any trouble getting erections…except when it came to Alphonse.

He had no health problems either, which was usually the cause of E.D, Alphonse blinked and frowned slightly deeper as he thought through the information again.

 _'…it has to be psychological…'_  he frowned even deeper,  _'…it's got something to do with me, obviously the fact that we're brothers…but if he gets turned on by me, then something else is affecting him.'_  he licked his lips, suddenly anxious and excited at what the information could mean.

He turned the bottle around so he could see the prescription date, it was given to Gracia three months ago, eight pills. He opened the bottle and looked inside doing a quick count, there were seven pills…she'd only used one…in three months.

 _'What a waste…'_  he made a face, considering what the pills could mean for him and Edward it really did seem like a waste.

Alphonse looked over all the other pill bottles on the counter but he was thinking about getting to a library as soon as possible, he had to do some research on psychological effects pertaining to erectile dysfunction…if his assumption was correct it was some sort of mental repression. Edward was having some sort of…episodic erectile dysfunction…caused by Alphonse.

It made him nauseous again to think that he was the exact reason Edward couldn't get it up…but he reminded himself that he shouldn't be offended, they were related…Edward had good reason to not react sexually to him. But the pills could change that.

For a brief moment he contemplated taking the entire seven pills…but if by some chance Gracia was going to get lucky, she would notice all of the pills missing…heck she'd notice one missing.

But he was willing to take a small chance, he dropped two of the blue diamond shaped tablets into his palm and pocketed them.

He proceeded to close the bottle and then put all the pills back where he found them, head ache completely forgotten. He wasn't sure whether the pills would make a difference in the long run…

But at least if Edward had been telling the truth about getting aroused when they kissed…and **if**  Edward agreed to take the pill, then there was almost a 100% chance Edward would get erect just by taking one, probably even half.

Edward was young, completely fit and healthy –except for his automail- plus he had no allergies, Alphonse assumed Edward would suffer no side effects, except maybe a head ache or one of the lesser surface drawbacks. But there was a damn good chance he wouldn't even see any side effects, also…because he was young and healthy, the pill would work twice as effectively.

…still, despite knowing a fair amount about Sildenafil, he wanted to double check his information at the library on the drug as well. He wasn't about to make Edward physically ill for sex…but if everything checked out and he could ask Edward to take one of the pills…

…then he and Edward could be having sex very soon, even as soon as Winry left Central.

His face flushed and he pursed his lips to still his premature excitement, he needed to focus on finding out what he needed to first, he could be happy about it later, once he was sure he could use the pills.

Calming himself down, he left the bathroom once he was sure he'd put everything back how it was before and he went to sit in the lounge. He ignored the conversation, only bothering to speak as nicely and attentively as possible when he was spoken to directly.

He sipped his almost cold tea and stared into the cup in between sips and conversation.

He was hopeful that if Edward could get passed whatever psychological block he was experiencing, then the pills would not ever be necessary again…but in order for him to get passed it…

Some people would suggest therapy but that wasn't an option and it would take months anyway, the prospect of having sex with Edward within the week made him giddy just to think about.

Suddenly he wanted to know when the hell Winry was leaving.

But he couldn't just blurt the question out…it would be rude.

The next hour seemed to take forever but eventually they all said pleasant good byes and made their way outside. Alphonse walked behind Ed and Winry until they were outside of the apartment building…and even though he hated to leave them alone, he needed to go to the library before it closed at 6.30.

"Brother, Winry…" he got their attention and they turned around, Winry with a smile and Edward frowning, "…I've got somewhere I want to go, so I'll see you at home later." He glanced from Winry to his brother, Edward's frown deepened.

"Oh, okay." Winry smiled.

He hated that she was happy, he hated why she was happy…being left alone with Edward no doubt.

 _'I won't be long…I'll hurry back.'_  he told himself and accepted the hug she offered.

Edward didn't look happy about being abandoned and Alphonse took that as a good thing, it meant that there was a possibility Ed didn't want to be alone with her at all.

Still, he needed to get to his research…it was  _important_ …it could change everything.

He crossed the street quickly after waving them off and walked briskly in the direction of the public library, hoping to clear the 45 minute walk in 25.

* * *

Alphonse sat down at an empty desk in the library, the entire place was practically empty but he still wanted to read in peace and private. He quickly opened the thick book on psychological disorders and their effects on the body, frowning in thought as he turned the pages to find the index.

Gracia was suffering from depression, which gave him the idea in the first place so he checked the index once he found it and then turned to the relevant page on depression and its various forms. What he read was standard regardless of whether it was mild, clinical, manic or severe…depression affected almost everything in the human body.

It was a pretty debilitating condition if it got bad enough. He felt bad for Gracia, she was obviously still having a hard time dealing with Maes Hughes death, but she hid it so well.

It was scary to think of how many secrets people kept behind closed doors…just like him and Edward.

He got lost in reading about depression for a while but wasn't surprised when he finally came to a section on psychological causes in men experiencing symptoms of E.D.

The causes listed for psychological E.D made Alphonse feel cold and guilty.

Stress

Anxiety

Guilt

Depression

"Is there anything here Edward isn't dealing with…" he mumbled to himself and put his head in his hands.

He took a moment to keep himself from crying pathetically in a public place and then he sighed before turning back to the index and looking for Psychological Repression.

He was washed cold again with guilt when he read the first paragraph,

 _-Psychological repression_ _, also_ _psychic repression_ _or simply_ _repression_ _, is the psychological attempt by an individual to repel one's own desires and impulses towards pleasurable instincts by excluding the desire from one's consciousness and holding or subduing it in the unconscious. Repression plays a major role in many mental illnesses, and in the psyche of average people._ _It ensures that what is unacceptable to the conscious mind, and would if recalled arouse anxiety, is prevented from entering into it-_

He stared at the page for a long while as if the words would change, then he sighed deep and tired,

 _'I've…traumatized him.'_  He admitted to himself,  _'I caused him so much stress, pain and guilt that he…he's repressing any sort of feelings that occur when I come near him sexually.'_  Alphonse placed his hands in his short hair, frowning deeply,  _'But he might not even be conscious of it because he admitted to getting aroused by me…so then the original repression he felt towards me causing him…pain, is now preventing him from having a physical reaction to me sexually even though he isn't unhappy anymore.'_  He read the paragraph again with a deep frown.

Looking for a different answer…and not finding one.

 _'It ensures that what is unacceptable to the conscious mind, and would if recalled arouse anxiety, is prevented from entering into it.'_  He sighed again and blinked slowly,

"I caused it…" he said quietly to himself, his hand over his mouth as he stared at one of the table lamps, "…that night…he felt something for me when I…" he blushed slightly, "…and it scared him, since then Edward's been…totally complacent and indifferent. It's as if he doesn't feel anything, it's almost as if his brain is acting as a natural anti-depressant." His green gold eyes widened just slightly.

Someone walked by so he turned his thoughts inward again,

 _'He's no longer sick, he's eating, he looks well…so it's because he can't feel anything. Whenever I come near him he represses the feelings that made him…break down, so he has no ill feelings anymore.'_  Alphonse huffed guiltily to himself,  _'But now that he can be near me without any of the pain or nausea…his subconscious is still affecting what he feels. Edward subconsciously classified any sexual situation with me as wrong and painful…now he can't physically get passed it.'_

The mind is a powerful thing, Alphonse knew that it controlled everything.

"It probably still scares him…deep down." He mumbled and tapped his fingers on the book thoughtfully.

So what would it take to change Edward's subconscious mind about how it feels toward him?

He suddenly doubted another sexual encounter was the answer…but he had the pills now…and he felt that if they could have sex and it could be a good experience…hopefully an amazing one for them both, then Edward might not need the pills in the future, it would get rid of any anxiety.

That is…if Edward was honestly over the fact that they were brothers, he'd said so…after all.

He closed the thick book and pulled a small one over, a book about the drug Sildenafil.

He spent another ten minutes checking through the precautions, side effects, warnings and the length of time in which the drug activated and wore off. With Edward's age and health, it was a possibility the drug would still be in his system for six to eight hours, whereas in a late aged man it lasted around four hours.

He was blushing, he knew it didn't mean Edward would have an erection for that long but the thought was embarrassing…and kind of exciting. It meant that in that period of time that the drug was in his system, Edward would be able to achieve erections with ease.

Alphonse blushed deeper and tried to hide his burning face in the small book…thinking that maybe if Edward enjoyed it a lot the first time, they could even do it again.

He was trying to calm his raging hormones down and after a minute he peeked over the book to see if anyone was looking at him…then he noticed it was getting dark outside, the high windows of the library told him the sun was almost to its set.

 _'I've left them alone…for almost two hours!'_  he panicked internally.

He tried to work it out in his head, a half hour for them to get back…then an hour and a half alone in the apartment.

That was more than enough time for them to…

He left the books as they were and grabbed his coat off the back of the chair he was sitting in before he rushed, hurried quiet steps, through the library. He was going to get a cab because he needed to get home as fast as possible.

* * *

Alphonse rushed through the lobby and up the stairs 15 minutes later, his cheeks red from the late night cold but he hardly felt it.

He reached the door and for some reason he couldn't explain he opened it quietly and stepped inside, the fire was burning in the lounge, emitting a soft orange glow inside the dark lounge. The lights were all off…the almost dark night sky barely lit anything. He swallowed nervously, this didn't look so good.

He started to pull his coat off, trying to listen for noises…moans…

He didn't hear anything in the minute it took him to hang his coat up and step out of his shoes, but his heart was beating painfully anyway because he wasn't hearing anything.

 _'…maybe they've already…and now they're asleep…'_  he felt his insides shake as he stepped into the hall, all the doors were closed, all the lights off. Alphonse glanced at his bedroom door and hoped above hope that Edward was asleep inside the room.

He took two steps…then Edward's bedroom door opened and Edward stepped out, closing it behind him.

Alphonse's breath stopped when Edward turned around…he looked slightly flushed, his hair was ever so slightly untidy, his breathing was slightly deep and…his pants were completely undone.

The ground felt like it fell out from beneath him…his worst fears realized.

Edward had slept with Winry…

He was too stunned to cry, he was too stunned to scream, when his breath caught up with him in shudders all he could do was express his anger and hurt through his eyes, his throat was far too sore to speak…

…and right then he honestly didn't want to  _look_  at Edward's face!

 _'Bastard! Fucking bastard!'_  he tore his gaze away from Edward's expressionless face and stalked forward to his bedroom door, he walked in and swung the door so hard he couldn't wait to hear it slam as he paced forward into the room,  _'…the first chance he got! The first chance he gets he fucks her!'_  his emotions were making him shake really badly.

And when he noticed the door didn't slam he turned around to find Edward stepping inside…the older man looked genuinely, worryingly angry as he closed the door calmly behind him.

Alphonse was going to say something, he was going to yell but he found he couldn't, especially not when Edward approached him and shoved him against the nearest wall.

His back ached sharply at the impact and he grimaced but Alphonse didn't try to stop Edward or defend himself, honestly, if Edward hit him…if Edward kicked the shit out of him, he knew he deserved it. Edward's eyes were bright with his anger, he looked like he wanted to pummel Alphonse and the younger blonde didn't struggle…

He just wanted to cry…because he could smell Winry's feminine perfume on Edward and at their close proximity he could see Edward's lips were red…he knew the older blonde had been thoroughly kissed.

It made his insides shake with pain and he waited desperately for his brother's fist to knock him out, he didn't want to feel anything right then…

He was surprised when Edward let him go and he barely managed to stay standing since his legs were weak with shock. He inhaled a short confused breath when Edward's hand was pressed to the wall beside his head and the older man leaned closer.

Alphonse glanced over his face, Edward looked just as attractive when he was angry as he did any other time… the warm flush of his handsome face hurt Alphonse deeply, because it was a sign of what Winry did to him, how she made him feel…and now Edward was so close and rubbing it in.

He swallowed back a choked sob because Edward's hand found his…

Alphonse blinked in confusion, eyes burning…and he felt heat rise very quickly to his face when Edward pressed his hand to the hardness of his erection beneath his clothes. He let out a shaken breath as his mind tried to process what was happening.

Edward still had an erection…did that mean…whatever he'd been doing with Winry…he hadn't gone through with it? Now he was here, with Alphonse…pressing his hand to his need as if…

…as if he wanted Alphonse to…

Alphonse was getting hard before Edward even confirmed it, he asked the question with his eyes, wide, hopeful and excited and Edward licked his lips slowly and nodded at him.

That was all the consent he needed.

Alphonse didn't bother to ask what Edward wanted him to do, he dropped to his knees so easily he should have been ashamed…but he wasn't…he was so turned on he could hardly think straight.

He didn't even care that Edward had gotten this particular hard on from Winry in the next room…he was here now and he wanted Alphonse to finish it for him…

…it had to mean  _something_.

He pulled Edward's pants and boxers down and then ran his hands firmly up from Edward's thighs to his muscled abdomen, his eyes taking in Edward's flushed, fully erect sex…and his body keened appreciatively at the sight. He took it in his hand and felt the arousal in his loins flare up when Edward's sex throbbed – he was  **so**  hard- in his hand. Alphonse didn't wait…he couldn't, he stroked Edward a few times, licking his lips as his eyes took in the glistening moisture at the head of Edward's cock.

He'd never wanted to taste something so badly in his life and when he licked at it his body was washed with arousal so intense that it made his toes curl in his socks and Edward throbbed again in his hand, making a breathy noise above him…he was enjoying it…he wanted this…

Alphonse wanted nothing more than to give it to him.

Alphonse opened his mouth wide as he took Edward's sex into his mouth –and he moaned when it throbbed against his tongue- it felt amazing, The flesh of it was so hot and textured with tight skin and veins, he could feel it on his tongue and it made him throb inside his jeans painfully.

He pulled backward while sucking hard and he heard Edward make another quiet breathy moan, he looked up as he stroked the base of Ed's erection with one hand, taking it deep into his mouth again and slipping it back out. Edward's expression made him feel so good, there was a deep lustful appreciation in his half lidded gold eyes and his lips were parted to accommodate his pleasured quiet breaths…

…and then he lowered his head and was looking straight into Alphonse's eyes…

…acknowledging him, accepting him…

Alphonse felt the rush of emotion tear through him, reminding him of how much he loved this man and he closed his eyes, bobbing his head as fast as he could and sucking as hard as he could every time he pulled back…wanting to make Edward feel good.

Edward's hand –gently- slipped into his hair and Alphonse felt him start to move his hips, Edward's sex was slipping in, then almost out of his mouth in a slow non-forceful motion by Ed's movements and Alphonse stilled his head, his eyebrows drew together slowly as arousal tingled down his spine, the sensation of Edward's cock slipping passed his lips made him ache in all the right places. He tried to pay attention to what he did with his tongue while sucking, trying to give Edward as much pleasure as possible.

He slid his hands from wherever they'd been –he was too focused on what was in his mouth to care after a while- to Edward's inner thighs and he started sensually rubbing the soft skin there…and higher…

He moaned when more arousal pulsed through him, Edward throbbed in his mouth, he heard another quiet breathy moan above him and Alphonse inhaled deeply through his nose, he could smell the musk of his brother's sex and it was intoxicating…it was so much sensation and so much emotion…with abandon likened to a teenager he –one again- came for Edward without any physical stimulation.

Alphonse had known he wanted this…but he hadn't known just how badly until right then when he was trembling with orgasm on his knees with his brother slowly fucking his mouth…

…he hadn't even known he could feel that way.

Edward's hand tightened lightly in his hair just as he thrust a few times a little quicker and slightly deeper, touching the back of Alphonse's throat…and then there was warmth on his tongue and sliding down his throat.

Alphonse's hands were on the fronts of Edward's thighs and he dug his short nails into Edward's tensing muscles at the sexual sensation of Edward cumming in his mouth. Even though his jaw hurt and it nearly choked him, he did his best to swallow what he could and he moaned…his body was teeming with sensitivity…he felt like crying…

There were so many emotions running through him it was overwhelming, he was shaking.

He had just finished swallowing the last of what had actually stayed in his mouth when Edward pulled back, Alphonse opened his eyes when he did so. He blinked at the sight of Edward's barely softening sex for a second before Edward pulled his pants up from where it was at his knees and the sound of a zipper made Alphonse look up at him dazedly- his eyes moderately adjusted to the dark.

"A-alphonse…s-stand up…" Edward said in a low, shaken voice.

Alphonse did as told, getting to his feet on wobbly legs, leaning against the wall behind him when he was finally at eye level with Edward.

The older blonde was looking at him with a frown, no anger, just a worried frown and his eyes looked slightly wet, like he wanted to cry…but he didn't.

Alphonse's breath hitched when Edward stepped closer and slipped an arm around his waist.

Edward raised a shaking hand, his sleeve hem caught under his clasped fingers, his expression set in a worried grimace…as he used his long sleeve to wipe away the remnants of semen Alphonse had forgotten was at the corners of his mouth…and apparently over his chin because Edward wiped there too.

He licked his lips when Edward was done and the older man pressed their foreheads together, his breathing shaken and sounding scared,

"I'm sorry, please say you're okay…please tell me I didn't just make you do that against your will…" he sounded desperate.

Alphonse –despite still being dazed and feeling rather warm inside- just smiled and slipped his arms around Edward's neck,

"I'm okay…you didn't force me, I'd…I'd do it again right now if you wanted me to Edward, I'd do anything you want me to do…" he said quietly and wondering if Edward would mind after what he'd just done, he gave him a tentative kiss to his lips.

Edward obviously didn't mind because the very next second Alphonse was pressed against the wall and Edward was kissing him desperately…it felt like an apology.

Alphonse wished Edward wasn't sorry…because he wasn't.

There was a noise at the door and both of them paled, Edward let go of him and took a step back, he looked frantic for a second…then the sound came again and Alphonse let out a badly shaken breath, feeling the annoyingly familiar prickle of shock still rife over his skin,

"It's CookieBoots, he's scratching on the door." He said in a hushed voice.

Edward was shaking when he glanced between Alphonse and the door before he nodded and went toward it, he switched the light on and opened the door just a bit and true enough the kitten slipped into the room.

Alphonse swallowed slowly and felt his insides teem pleasurably at the taste of Edward…

He wished he could do again…and for the rest of his life.

He loved Edward…he loved him in  _every_  way and all he wanted was his love returned.

He watched as Edward glanced around like he was unsure of what to do before he looked at Alphonse and frowned, looking guilty,

"Are you sure you're okay?" he sounded terribly worried.

"Yes…more than okay." It was true, he felt about as good as could be.

Edward nodded,

"I'm going to shower…uh…do you want to use the bathroom first?" he offered with a slight blush.

Alphonse figured Edward expected him to want to rinse his mouth out as soon as possible but he didn't, not right away…he could wait until Edward was done,

"You go ahead, I'll go after you." He smiled slightly.

Edward blushed a little darker, nodded and left the room quietly.

Alphonse closed his eyes, took a deep breath and leaned his head back against the wall, he felt cold and sticky in his jeans but that orgasm had been one of his best. He wondered if Edward would be flattered this time about just how much he got to Alphonse.

He stood for a while, remembering the way Edward felt in his mouth, hard, pulsating…too much for him to take in physically but somehow still not enough that he was satisfied emotionally…

…slowly he frowned as reality clawed its way through his momentary bliss. Edward had come from doing something with Winry, that's why he'd been so hard.

He should have felt ashamed and used…but Edward didn't have to come to him, he chose to. He could have stayed and let Winry finish it for him and he honestly doubted Winry told Edward to leave the room like that…

…no, Edward had come to the room –angry and frustrated- but instead of beating him up like he deserved, he gave Alphonse something he wanted…and took something for himself.

Equivalent Exchange.

Alphonse could have laughed but instead he thanked the science for giving him this much.

He could hear the shower running when he walked to his bed, his legs felt like jelly and he just wanted to sit down. Alphonse was just running his hand through his hair when his heart stopped in his chest,

"Alphonse?" Winry was standing in the doorway, the door hadn't been closed when Ed walked out and she had pushed it open.

She looked like she'd been crying…

Alphonse had no idea how he looked right then and Winry was frowning at him,

"Is Edward okay?" she asked quietly. He had no idea what to say so he stared at her, blinking awkwardly and she frowned deeper, "Are you okay?"

Alphonse swallowed –tasted Edward- and suddenly felt ridiculously smug,

"Did you have an argument with him or something?" he played dumb and turned the question on her, his face didn't feel hot so he supposed nothing was immediately obvious about his state.

She blushed and broke eye contact,  
"…well, he might have been upset. We were talking about what happened…in Risembool." She managed to meet his eyes again, she didn't enter the room though.

Alphonse was glad, the distance from the door to where he sat on his bed was probably good enough to keep her from seeing…well anything too obvious, or so he hoped.

"He seemed upset." Alphonse said shortly, pretending to be angry at her.

"Al…" she stepped in to the room a bit and he tensed, "…do you know why Edward doesn't want to be with me? Is he seeing someone, I asked him…but he said no, is he lying?" she sounded really sad, she looked it to.

Alphonse supposed it made sense she'd ask him, she'd always come to him to talk, before, during and after he'd had his armor body, she'd always chosen to show him her sensitive emotional side, whereas with Edward she was more tough and emotionally aggressive.

It'd never annoyed him before but it did now,

"I don't know Winry…" he said coldly, "…if he doesn't want to tell you then you should accept that."

She frowned at him and a little bit of that Winry like aggression crept into her face,

"What's wrong with you, the last time you spoke to me like that was on the phone when I called, are you angry at me or something, I don't remember doing anything to you?" she gestured toward herself with her hand, she was shaking slightly.

She'd been there for two days and already she was an emotional wreck…this apartment was full of sickness, it would have made Alphonse ill before…but he was a part of it now.

He felt his anger rising at the fact that she was confronting him,

"I just…I wish you'd just…" he clenched his jaw.  _'Just stay away from Edward!'_  he thought angrily.

"Just what?" she placed a hand on her hip.

"Just-…"

"Winry…" Edward pushed the bedroom door open completely, his eyes were on Winry but then he gave Alphonse a look and the younger man knew it was a warning to get his anger in check.

Winry turned around and blushed…good thing she turned around because Alphonse was blushing too.

Edward had only a towel around his waist, his long wet hair was tucked behind his ears and he looked so calm, Alphonse recognized that look from before Winry came.

"E-edward…I was just…" Alphonse saw her look over Edward's visible nudity and he clenched his fists, "…I was just seeing if you were okay…" she finished, pursing her lips.

"I'm okay…" he said neutrally, "…are you?" he turned and walked the rest of the way into the bedroom, stopping at the wardrobe.

Alphonse watched him…and watched him.

The lines of his muscles tensing as he moved, the defined V of his lower abdomen, the water clinging to his skin, the cold air hardening his nipples…his beautiful scars.

"Yeah…I am…" Winry trailed off.

Edward was either doing it on purpose or he was oblivious as he raised his arms to twirl his wet hair so it didn't cling to his back, Alphonse continued to watch him…

Edward turned to look at Winry and Alphonse watched as Edward glanced from Winry to himself.

Something told Alphonse that wasn't a good sign.

He turned his head to look at Winry…and saw her staring at him with wide eyes and a…very confused frown…a shape of her mouth bordering on being disgusted. He blinked and stood up, feeling defensive all of a sudden, Edward's voice cut through their glaring.

"Winry, I need to change my clothes…" it was an indirect question.

Winry was not a polite, reserved girl and it was times like this that reminded Alphonse of that fact,

"Did you see how Alphonse was looking at you?"

The silence that followed that question was deathly, no one breathed.

Alphonse felt so sick it was painful, his mind screamed at him that  **he'd just fucked up really badly**.

He looked at Edward when the older man spoke, calm detachment in his tone and without a glance in Al's direction,

"What do you mean?" he asked quietly…with a hint of anger.

Winry swallowed uncomfortably and glanced at Alphonse again with that frown,

"Edward, he was… **looking**  at you…you know, the way I look at you…" she blushed but said it honestly anyway.

Alphonse was shaking and raised a hand to his stomach, he was sure he'd throw up.

 _'…I fucked up, oh shit…'_  his skin felt so cold with fear.

"What?" Edward sounded upset, "…what the fuck do you mean by that Winry?" he asked, voice assertive.

Winry didn't back down,

"I mean he was looking at you like…like…he was enjoying you walking around half naked." She said just as firmly. Edward's tone changed and Alphonse managed to tear his eyes away from Winry's disturbed expression to see the clear anger on Edward's face,

"Are you implying that Alphonse was…what, checking me out?" his voice cut through silence with vehement denial.

Winry glanced around, trying not to look at Alphonse who was dumbstruck with fear,

"Well, that's what it looked like." She said a little less firmly.

Edward's face contorted into disgust,

"That's fucking sick Winry…" he sounded so honest Alphonse felt like some sort of vile excrement, "…what the hell is wrong with you, if your mad at me then stay mad at me, leave Alphonse out of it." He said in a warning tone, the type he usually used on people he wanted to intimidate.

And it worked, Winry looked guilty and doubtful of herself right before she glanced at Alphonse who was staring right back at her wide eyed, he felt like he was pale…but he didn't know.

"I'm sorry Alphonse…" she glanced at Edward, "…sorry…" a few tears slipped from her eyes and she quickly left the room, closing the door behind her.

Alphonse didn't even get a chance to look back at Edward, the next thing he became aware of was that the older blonde was in front of him and pain, this time Ed did hit him- a solid punch in his chest making Alphonse lose his breath at the sudden pain while Edward turned that warning look full force on to him,

"Do you fucking realize what could have happened just now?!" he whispered harshly, sounding so angry Alphonse started shaking as he nodded and held his chest,

"I-I'm sorry…" he said with pained broken breath, he would have a bruise on his chest from that punch.

"You're fucking sorry? Alphonse, do you know what would happen if someone found out about this…" he pointed at the same sore spot on Alphonse's chest making him wince, tears filling his eyes while Edward's were sharp with anger, "…just…fuck…just try to remember that this…" he gestured between the two of them, "…is fucking  _wrong_ and  **illegal** _._  You can't look at me like that around other people…get a hold of yourself…" even though he was whispering, his words were cold and cutting.

…and true.

Alphonse blinked tears from his eyes as he nodded,

"I know, I'm sorry…" he croaked quietly and attempted to touch Edward's hand still pointing at his chest.

Edward pushed his hand away, the older man was shaking quiet badly,

"Fuck…" he muttered as he went back to the wardrobe, swearing more under his breath.

"I'm sorry…" it was all he could say, he'd been so stunned when Winry spoke her accusation openly…if it hadn't been for Edward…protecting him…he wouldn't have had the nerve to deny it.

"I'm sorry…I'm sorry…" he sat back on the bed heavily, crying openly now.

Edward must have finished dressing after a short while,

"I'm going to sleep in the lounge by the fire…my leg fucking hurts…" his voice sounded strained.

Alphonse heard the door close and he lay down on his side, curling into himself and forcing himself to cry very quietly.

* * *

The next morning breakfast was awkward for all of them.

Edward ate his toast like he was trying to cause it pain with every bite, Alphonse sat staring sullenly at his cold tea and Winry stared at the table top, she hadn't touched her toast or coffee.

No one talked.

Edward's chair scraped loudly as he stood up and then dropped his saucer into the sink noisily, like he was specifically trying to shatter the silence right before he left the kitchen.

Alphonse was aware that he was completely alone with Winry after what had happened the night before, he glanced at her and could have cursed at the fact that she was looking at him.

Edward had seemed so genuinely angry the night before…but Alphonse hadn't even had the balls to deny it.

He'd been frozen with fear…pathetic.

"What?" he asked her quietly.

"Mei called the house about a week after you left Risembool." Winry's voice was deceptively calm.

Alphonse frowned,

"Called? From Xing?" he knew there were no telephone lines.

Winry shook her head,

"She was half way to Amestris, at the desert cross over…" she kept her blue eyes focused on his green, neither were amicable gazes, "…she said that you got sick in Xing, she said she had no idea what was wrong with you. After you left you didn't write her…she was worried…" she trailed off.

Alphonse just stared at her waiting for her to get to the point.

Winry looked down at her tea and blinked slowly,

"I didn't tell Edward…that Mei said you were sick in Xing. And you obviously didn't tell him either…you just lied about not being happy in Risembool, letting us all think that's why you were sick." She looked at him again, eyes a lot more suspicious than was Winry like, "Then the first thing you did when Edward got back was tell him you wanted to leave Risembool…" she sounded confused, which meant she didn't actually know anything.

But what had happened last night obviously had started her thinking.

Alphonse decided to tell the truth, a minimal truth that would hurt her and hopefully shut her up,

"It was…" he caught himself before he said Edward, "…brother's idea to leave Risembool, not mine." He pushed his chair out and stood up calmly.

"What?" she asked quietly.

Alphonse poured his tea out into the sink, placed the empty cup down with a soft clink and then turned to look at her, eyes cold,

"I  _told_  Edward why I was sick, I **never**  lied to him…and it was his idea to leave Risembool, not mine." He saw the shock and hurt as it registered on her pretty, tired face and he felt very satisfied.

He didn't need to say anything else, she wouldn't be bothered with him anymore…now she'd be thinking about the fact that Edward lied to  **her**  and chose to leave Risembool on his own.

With that he left the kitchen, feeling like he'd won at least a tiny victory over his – former- rival.

* * *

And he had…because Winry told them both an hour later that she wanted to go to the station and book the 10 a.m train back to Risembool.

Alphonse hadn't said anything, he had nothing to say that didn't sound like 'good riddance'.

Edward chose to ask her why, probably because if he didn't ask it would seem like they were trying to get rid of her, Winry answered that she just wanted to get home.

The tension was palpable.

Alphonse didn't feel all that annoyed when Edward said he'd go with Winry to the station, he was pleased to note that Edward didn't bother with aftershave that morning.

He hugged Winry awkwardly at the door –pretenses still sort of necessary- she didn't meet his eyes and then Edward took her suitcase and left behind her, he still seemed pissed off so Alphonse hadn't bothered him with 'good mornings' or questions. When Edward was angry he needed to come around on his own…Alphonse would have to wait…

* * *

And wait he did…

It wasn't until almost two days later, Friday night, when Edward started speaking to him again, normally, like he'd been before Winry came, except he seemed just a tad less detached.

Alphonse knew he was 'forgiven' because Edward came to his bedroom and asked him whether he wanted to sleep in his room, he felt immensely relieved and nodded, throwing his cold covers off himself before following Edward to his bedroom.

They lay in bed together just like before Winry showed up and messed up everything.

Alphonse turned over in Edward's arms after a while, the older man easily accommodating him and he placed his arm over Edward's waist,

"I'm sorry Edward, I really am…I was really fucking stupid to let Winry see me like that…" he said quietly against Edward's neck, knowing he  _needed_  to apologize for nearly screwing up what he'd started.

Edward just sighed and Alphonse smiled when the older blonde's hand rubbed his back soothingly,

"It's fine…" Edward mumbled, "…and don't say fucking…" he added.

Alphonse laughed quietly,

"Okay…" then he sighed as well and shifted his head back so he could look at Edward, "…are we okay?"

Edward looked lazy, relaxed and it just made Alphonse feel giddy,

"Yeah…and you Al, you're okay right?" Edward slid his hand around, up over Alphonse's shoulder to touch his face lightly, sweetly.

Alphonse nodded, feeling warm and loved, he wanted Edward's touch so badly.

He still remembered the pills…he hadn't forgotten the pills…

But he wondered first,

"…do you think after what happened in my room…" he kept his eyes on Edward's face, the older man didn't have any negative reaction to the subject, "…do you think, you might…do you think it changed anything?" he mumbled quietly, if he didn't have to use the pills it'd be so much better.

Edward blinked,

"I…I don't know." He sounded honest enough.

Alphonse licked his lips…thinking to himself very hopefully that if Edward got aroused and erect on his own…right now…then this could be the night…

So he leaned up on his elbow and lowered his face closer to Edward's but he was still uncertain so he waited a moment, seeing how Edward looked over his face, considering something, until the hand on his face moved to the back of his neck and pulled him forward so their lips met.

At first they just kissed like usual –which was always enough to get Alphonse going- and then the younger blonde slid his shaking –eager- hand over Ed's waist and around to his front, he slid it downwards and cupped Edward through his pajama pants.

He was soft.

The kiss lasted a few more seconds and then Alphonse pulled back and sighed, looking down at Edward, the older man just stared up at him, his hand tickling Alphonse's ear as he played with his hair,

"Sorry, Al." he mumbled.

Alphonse blinked as he looked over Edward's passive expression,

"…but you do get turned on, right?" he clarified, the pills seemed like the only option left.

Edward raised his eyebrows and nodded,

"Yeah…"

"…like when you were doing whatever you were doing with Winry…except without the main result?" he had to be sure, if he was going to ask Edward to take erectile dysfunction medication even once, he had to have a fucking good reason or he'd probably get punched.

Edward averted his gaze, the memory of Winry seemed to make him a little sore,

"Yeah…it's the same." He said quietly.

Alphonse nodded and kissed Edward's lips…and shivered when Edward held him in place and let their lips linger just a little longer.

He could die of happiness when Edward did things like that…

He spoke against Edward's lips when they parted,

"Okay…tomorrow night do you mind if I make a nice dinner for you. I'll make whatever you want…and buy that wine that you like…" Alphonse ran his hand over Edward's chest lightly, looking down at him, expression open and loving.

Edward frowned,

"Hm…like a date dinner?" he sounded amused.

Alphonse smiled slightly,

"Yeah…what do you say?"

"I'll be in the apartment all day tomorrow…it's not really going to be very date like…" he mumbled as the hand that was previously on Alphonse's neck was taken back and he ran it through his bangs a few times, breaking some tangles.

"It's fine…I can work around you, just around dinner time, stay in your room or something." Alphonse couldn't even describe how much he was enjoying their conversation.

Being with Edward like a couple was the best thing, it made him so happy.

"You're serious aren't you?"

"Yes I am…"

Edward huffed,

"Fine…fine…"

Alphonse leaned down and kissed Edward one more time, sweet and loving…then he lay down and started to plan out how he was going to go about the following evening.

* * *

Alphonse lit the last candle of the twelve he'd purchased, the lounge light was off so it was just the warm, orange, slow burn of the fire and the candles he'd placed around the lounge.

He'd set up the coffee table like dinner placements and gone out to buy the wine Edward had ordered at the restaurant on their last –non-date-date- …yes, he remembered the brand, he'd placed it decoratively between two wine glasses.

The lounge looked…romantic.

He felt stupid for a moment when he thought over everything he'd done.

That morning he'd gone out to the drug store before anything else, he hadn't been there for very long and just purchased what he needed before he went to the grocer and bought a cooking magazine to find a recipe for dinner. After he'd found something to make, he bought all the ingredients, the wine and vanilla scented candles.

Edward had actually snickered at him when he returned home at noon, the older man had found the recipe magazine most amusing.

Alphonse had shooed him away and started cooking.

He had made grilled flat iron steak with mushroom sauce, it went great with the red wine Ed liked, or so the book told him.

When that was done it had been almost 5 p.m and he'd told Edward that morning dinner would be at six. The older blonde had looked amused at that too…but he'd heard Edward taking a shower at around 4.30…so he knew he was at least taking it seriously.

Alphonse had then rushed to have a shower too –but he washed himself thoroughly- he also shaved, fragranced and fussed over himself more specifically for the night, he even brushed his teeth twice.

In a lot of ways…this could be the night he got lucky.

If Edward said yes…if he took the pill…then they'd be having sex roughly around mid-night.

So why not woo Edward? He was worth it…and Alphonse wanted it to be special somehow, the corny romantic in him demanded it.

Although…Edward could say no…Edward could punch him…Edward could get upset.

He dreaded the way things would turn out if that happened.

Still he was feeling positive…since Edward seemed to be in good spirits.

He looked over the lounge one last time, then he looked over himself, he wore dark black jeans with a wine red long sleeve pull over shirt…and black socks…because he didn't need to wear shoes inside. His hair was styled a little more 'outgoing' than the usual side path and he smelled good…so did the food set out on the table between the place settings –which was really just a plate either side of the table with a serviette wrapped around a knife and fork placed in the middle.

He didn't want it to be so corny it was off putting.

He walked to the kitchen and checked the clock above the doorway, it was five minutes before six. He walked back to the main door and double checked that it was locked…because he didn't want any interruptions.

His heart beat was already speeding up, he was nervous.

He heard Edward's bedroom door open and Alphonse quickly stepped into the hall before the older blonde reached the lounge. Alphonse smiled when he looked over Edward, he wore full black like almost every other time…but the black cotton shirt he wore was a nice v neck outing shirt with longer sleeves that sat on his knuckles and he wore a pair of his hardly used form fitting leather pants –which made Alphonse's stomach feel light and fluttery- he wasn't wearing any socks and his hair was braided down his back, neatly…also he smelled really good.

Alphonse felt like a flustered teenager,

"Thank you for doing this, I know you probably think it's stupid." He mumbled, knowing he sounded euphoric.

Edward smiled at him and then looked over what Alphonse was wearing,

"It's just corny that you want to  _date_  me…it's not stupid and by the way, you look beautiful." He complimented with a teasing grin and Alphonse glared at him,

"Ha ha, very funny Edward. I hope you won't be teasing me with date clichés all night." He really hoped not.

Edward grinned at him,

"…okay okay fine, just the one." He shrugged, "…but you really do look really really nice." He said with a smile…it wasn't a 'boyfriend wants to rip your clothes off' smile, but it was still a sincere smile to accompany sincere words.

Alphonse smiled,

"You do as well…I'm glad you took me seriously." He turned and gestured for Edward to walk into the lounge with him, proud that he hadn't said something like 'you look delicious Edward' or 'so fucking sexy' cause that would have been awful.

"Hell, you were cooking for three hours straight…" he followed, "…I didn't want to be an ass-ho...le…" he paused in the doorway and Alphonse smiled where he stood beside his older brother.

"Not bad for an indoor date, right?" he raised an eyebrow, liking the impressed look on Edward's face.

"…yeah. I can smell vanilla…" he said quietly as he walked over to the coffee table.

"It's the candles, I remember you always like the smell of vanilla." That was a memory from his armor days and Alphonse was so grateful to finally know what vanilla smelled like.

Edward smiled at him, a genuine pleased smile,

"This is pretty great actually Alphonse…" he looked like he liked it sincerely.

"I told you I want to make you happy…I want you to enjoy this as much as I do…" he said quietly, but didn't want to start things off on such a heavy note, "…let's eat before it gets cold."

Edward blinked out of the eye contact and nodded,

"It smells great…what is it…"

* * *

Dinner went off without a hitch and Edward looked like he enjoyed it and then some, Alphonse couldn't have asked for a more relaxed atmosphere, nothing like when he'd taken Edward out to dinner…they talked properly to each other about stupid things and serious things and because they were where no one could see them, Alphonse was able to look at Edward any way he liked.

He'd purchased dessert because he wasn't confident enough in baking yet to attempt making anything and Edward enjoyed the moist vanilla cake slice, he ate it with gusto and then ate Alphonse's one too, and the younger blonde didn't complain.

As the dinner drew to a close he was actually starting to feel really nervous, he'd only had one glass of wine and stopped Edward after one glass as well, the older blonde hadn't protested and Alphonse was glad, he didn't want Edward to have too much alcohol in his system since it could slow or stunt the point of the Sildenafil.

They were sitting now after dinner, good conversation and dessert, Edward had just finished off Alphonse's slice of cake and he licked the last icing off the fork,

"That was really amazing Al, you're like a hundred times better at cooking than me." He admitted as he leaned back against the couch with a smile, crossing his legs.

Alphonse smiled back, trying to calm his nerves silently as he sat forward.

The fire crackled quietly and as far as Alphonse knew the kitten was in his bedroom and had been sleeping most of the day. He glanced at Edward, the older man smiled at him lovingly –knowingly- so Alphonse shifted closer, moving into the seat of the couch directly beside him.

Edward read him far too well, he raised his hand to Alphonse's cheek, his thumb sliding softly along Al's jaw line, just as the younger blonde leaned in and kissed him.

Alphonse thought he'd give it one more try…just one more natural try…after all this maybe Edward was comfortable enough.

After kissing for a while, deep, wet and so good…Alphonse smoothed one of his hands over Edward's chest and the older blonde seemed to remember their last encounter on the couch because the hand on his face moved as well, slowly over and down his side to his waist. Alphonse was intensely turned on when Edward uncrossed his legs and tugged on the loop of Al's jeans.

Alphonse didn't hesitate to straddle Edward just like last time and for the next few minutes Alphonse was lost in kissing Edward, the older blondes hands skirting over his clothes, his thighs, his sides, his chest…his back side.

Alphonse finally tried his luck, he slipped his hand between them and made a decent attempt of feeling Edward up through his tight pants, hoping to feel a stir in his groin under his palm or breathlessness in his kiss.

But he had no such luck.

Edward didn't even say anything about being felt up…

…so much progress, yet Alphonse knew there was no other way.

Edward pulled back from the kiss, licking his lips and making Alphonse's insides jelly like as he rubbed the inside of Al's thigh firmly,

"What do you want me to do for you?" Edward's voice was low, sincere with intention to cater to Alphonse's needs.

For a second Alphonse thought this would be okay, there was happiness here between them.

It came at a heavy price, but it was still happiness.

But then he thought of the night he'd tasted Edward…he'd heard Edward moan because of what he was doing to him…and he wanted it so badly. He couldn't condemn Edward to a life time without sex…it was ridiculous.

The pill made sense.

Alphonse was slightly out of breath when he stopped Edward's hand from massaging his thigh, it was only making him harder than he already was,

"I…have something to ask you, Edward." He said slightly out of breath but serious and he got off of Edward's lap. The older man sat up straight and leaned forward on the couch when Alphonse sat down on the coffee table, he wondered if maybe he shouldn't sit so close to where Edward could punch him…but he stayed put after shaking off the thought.

Alphonse looked straight into Edward's curious face,

"What is it Alphonse?" he asked quietly.

Alphonse took a breath,

"I want us to have sex, you know that. I really do want to have a…complete, relationship with you." He blinked.

Edward blinked back and then nodded,

"…yeah I know that." He mumbled and frowned, he was considering where this was going.

"And you said that if you could…get an erection…then…we could have sex." Al said quiet but steadily.

Edward stared at him for another moment, obviously trying to figure out a new conclusion since that last sentence ruled out them swapping positions, he sighed,

"Yeah, that's what I said…"

"And you meant it?"

"Yes, Alphonse." Edward said shortly, impatient now to see the point of the conversation.

Alphonse steeled his nerves and subconsciously prepared to be hit in the face, he shifted his bottom half where he sat on the coffee table, slipping his hand into his pocket and he caught the diamond shaped pill with his fingers, pulling it out before holding it out to Edward sitting across from him less than a foot away.

Edward stared at the pill then looked at Alphonse,

"What's that?" he didn't sound or look impressed.

Alphonse closed his palm around the pill and lowered his hand,

"It's Sildenafil."

"What's that?" Edward repeated in the same voice.

Alphonse had been stalling, he knew Edward wouldn't know the drug's name, he took another steadying breath,

"I-its…i-it's for…" he closed his hand tightly around the pill and held eye contact, "…it's for erectile dysfunction."

He was grateful Edward didn't hit him, Edward didn't even flinch, his frown just deepened,

"I don't have erectile dysfunction."

"Not medically…" Alphonse saw him narrow his eyes, "…it's psychological…" Edward stood up and Alphonse did to, "…Edward please, I'm not insulting you…!" he said quickly.

Edward had walked around the coffee table but he stopped and turned to look back at Alphonse,

"I don't have a problem getting erections, you  _know_  that. How is this  **not**  an insult?" he asked through clenched teeth.

"You have a problem getting an erection…for  **me** , Edward. Which makes sense…" he saw Edward grimace but he was listening, "…because of our…our circumstances. That's why I say it's psychological…and it's my fault. It's because of…it's because of all the times I…" he looked away from Edward.

He had hoped this would be easier but it wasn't.

"I…I think I traumatized you. You started to shut down whenever I did something…and now that your actually feeling something for me, you can't get passed the…mental block." He looked back to Edward who was just staring at him. He really didn't want to go into a lengthy medical discussion…

So he didn't, he just stated his point,

"I thought this would push you passed it, since we're doing so well…and I don't disgust you anymo-…"

"You never disgusted me." He put his hands on his hips and looked at the fire.

Alphonse could have laughed, Edward was still defending his honor even now.

"I love you Edward…" he said it with a breathlessness that made Edward look at him again, "…this is a last resort, after this…if it doesn't work…if you still can't do it naturally, there are no more alternatives…" Alphonse knew he sounded desperate but he was, "…at least we'll have one time."

"Where did you get that anyway?" Edward huffed, looking just a tad off kilter about what to do.

Now that there was an option on the table, he wasn't all that calm anymore…but he certainly wasn't shaking or freaking out either.

Alphonse blushed,

"It doesn't matter, I've researched it properly and its well within its expiry date…it came from a clean place too if you're worried, I didn't buy it off the street or anything…" he could see Edward's mind working, trying to figure it out.

"So what'll it do?" he said after some silence, swallowing nervously.

Alphonse felt a twinge of hope, Edward was asking questions…it meant he might say yes,

"It…it increases blood flow substantially when your body becomes aroused…nullifying whatever it is your mind is doing to stop you from getting hard." He rattled it off, he could tell Edward the details some other time. Edward looked a little tense…because this was  _actually_ happening.

Alphonse felt like he was walking on egg shells.

"So I just take that…and what…" he gestured to himself.

Alphonse shook his head,

"It can take up to 60 minutes to get into your system, but sometimes it works in 30. In you, since your young and have no problems…I'm guessing it'll work faster." He had to keep the smile on his face from being too excited because Edward was looking nervous, "And then, when you become aroused…" Alphonse vaguely gestured to his own pelvic area as the final word.

Edward ran his hand over his mouth, he wasn't shaking, he just looked nervous and worried.

Alphonse supposed it was the suddenness of it, so he waited as he watched Edward's thoughts play over his face, he was staring at the fire.

After five minutes Alphonse felt his hope deflating…he sighed and turned back to the table, his hand moving to put the pill back in his pocket,

"Don't worry about it Edward, I had no intention of forcing you…" he leaned over to start clearing the table.

He was just about to pick up one of the plates and let the pill fall into his pocket when he felt Edward's arm loop around his waist. His heart skipped a beat and he shivered as he stood up straight and Edward held him close, back to chest, like they usually lay in bed, his chin resting on Alphonse's shoulder.

Edward's fingers slipped around the wrist of his hand in which he held the pill to remove it from his pocket and Alphonse turned his hand up and opened his palm while Edward held his hand from underneath.

He almost couldn't breathe…Edward's hand let his go and he picked the pill up, holding it with his index finger and thumb while the arm around his waist tightened for a second,

"Can you pour me a little wine, I can't dry swallow this…" he said quietly against Alphonse's cheek.

Alphonse smiled –shivered- he almost wanted to cry…he actually thought he might as he nodded and Edward un-looped his arm from his waist. With shaking hands he poured a swallow of wine into the glass and turned around, holding it out.

Edward took it from him with a surprisingly steady hand,

"…for you, Alphonse." He said very quietly, staring straight into Alphonse's eyes, the younger blonde watched him take the pill and drink down the wine right after.

Then Edward handed the glass back to him and licked his lips nervously,

"I hope…" he sighed quietly, "…I hope this is really what you want, because once we do this…it's done." He frowned, looking a little sad.

"I really do…want this…" Alphonse wiped away the tears from his eyes, "…and you have no idea how happy I am that you've…that you're okay with it…" he didn't want to start crying, it was not something that would turn Edward on.

He was glad the tears were only slight and he smiled, that giddiness returning when he realized that this was happening…they were going to have sex…

"O-okay…" he breathed and Edward just stood there, frowning slightly with his hands in his pockets, "…you go ahead to the room and relax, it takes some time before it's in your system…" he repeated, "…I uh…I'm going to go to the bathroom…" he felt the blush rise to his face.

"The bathroom?" Edward asked quietly.

Alphonse just nodded, feeling so ridiculous for blushing like an idiot,

"I'll be in your bedroom in a little while…"

Edward blinked but he obviously was too distracted by the pill he'd just taken to ask any questions, Alphonse watched him walk out of the lounge.

He wondered what Edward was thinking.

But he didn't wonder for long.

He left everything on the table and went around blowing out the candles, he left the fire burning, it'd probably burn out in an hour.

He was nervous, his hands were trembling…he made his way into his bedroom and glanced at the kitten sound asleep on his pillow before he opened his wardrobe door, opening a drawer before he dug to the back of it for what he'd purchased that morning.

Alphonse pulled out the brown drug store bag and clenched his hand around the top of it, slipping back out of his bedroom and into the bathroom. He closed the door and tried to get his shaking under control as he walked over to the counter top.

He let the contents of the bag fall onto the counter.

Two identical tubes of clear, odorless lubricant.

Because the book said…anal sex required a lot of lubrication to eliminate the pain as much as possible…

…lubrication and preparation.

He took a shaken deep breath and started to take off his clothes, he'd left his robe in the bathroom earlier for this purpose. He felt like a bit of a sleaze for planning this out so well…but he wanted it so badly…

…and he wanted it to be as stress free as possible for Edward.

Once he was naked Alphonse stared at the lube for a while, before he swallowed nervously and lifted one up, popping the cap open loudly in the quiet bathroom.

 _'…the book said well lubricated and stretched…'_  he felt himself pale when he thought about it.

He knew that in the erotica this sort of thing was left to the partner and he supposed it was in real life situations too, but Alphonse already felt lucky enough that Edward had taken the pill…he didn't want to bog him down with worrying about hurting Alphonse.

And so he squeezed the sticky gel onto his right hand fingers and tried to ignore his brightly blushing reflection.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- For readers who were not aware Sildenafil Citrate is Viagra.  
> *I don't actually know if Roy Mustang is from the East.
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong The Used

  
_I lived out more than a little,_   
_Give my insides out till there's nothing left to see_   
_Stepped down, left in the middle of the mess you made_   
_The mess I used to be_   


  
_So give me love_   
_Give me every little bit of your broken heart_   
_my heart skips a beat_   
_So give me love, give me love love love_   
_My insides out, there's nothing left to see_   


  
_Gave up ...more than a little_   
_Just to watch you bleed leave broken words behind_   
_Give me love, give me love love love_   
_Insides out, till there's nothing left to see_   


_Now I needed to find, I needed to find out on my own_

  
_From my head all the way to my feet_   
_Strange is what I've become_   
_Would you ask for a little more of me_   
_Why can't I find it?_   


  
_Empty, where my heart used to be_   
_Now I'm looking in the mirror, I see this monster that is me_   


* * *

Edward couldn't believe it.

It seemed surreal…he was looking down at the top of his younger brother's fair blonde head…Alphonse's mouth was still around him and he could  _feel_  Alphonse's throat and tongue tense as he swallowed…

Edward felt the trembles as they started at his fingertips still lightly holding soft blonde hair,

 _'How could I…? H-how could I do this…A-alphonse is my…'_  but he cut his panicked thoughts off when he felt Alphonse's hands on his thighs go from tense clenching to absent massaging…

He took a quiet breath…remembering that Alphonse wanted this.

Still…still he felt like he was taking advantage of his younger brother, Edward found it hard to shake that guilt.

He moved his hips backwards so his sex slipped from Alphonse's mouth…the wet sound made his skin crawl…it felt even dirtier because the crawling sensation was accompanied by trails of arousal.

Edward took a few deep quiet breaths and swallowed thickly, trying to get his thoughts in order and his voice steady. He was still tingling with the after effects of his orgasm, it made him feel a little tired and sluggish, he'd needed that release for so long…

Edward bent his legs and reached down for his jeans and underwear, pulling the clothing items back up to cover himself, he realized how badly his hands were shaking as pulled his zipper up.

All he felt was guilt…he felt like he'd forced this on Alphonse…

Alphonse wanted romance…he didn't want to have to fall to his knees just because Edward wanted him to.

The older man's eyes widened and he swallowed a hitch in his throat, trying not to lose it to the guilt he felt, it was worse when Alphonse looked up at him…Edward saw what was on his –swollen- wet lips and over his chin.

His stomach turned but he found his voice,

"A-alphonse…s-stand up…" he sounded weak and pathetic…Alphonse deserved better than this.

The younger blonde got to his feet, he looked a little dazed and Edward almost reached out to help him stand but the wall supported Alphonse instead.

He didn't know what to say right then, all he knew was that every fiber of his being was telling him to touch Alphonse…to hold him…and apologize for violating him.

He stepped forward and slipped his arm around Alphonse's waist, he looked so dazed and unsteady, Edward pulled Alphonse forward against him, he wanted him to know he was there.

Edward swallowed again, his guilt sticking in his throat as he felt Alphonse lean forward into him only just. At the up close proximity in the dark room Edward could clearly make out the white mess of his semen on Alphonse's lips and chin and anger ran through his body…anger for what he'd done.

He raised his arm, he was still shaking, he gripped his shirt sleeve in his palm so it didn't slip back and wiped away his cum from Alphonse's mouth and chin, his eyes trailing between the swollen used lips of his younger brother to his dazed green eyes.

Edward's lips quivered and he closed his eyes, leaning his forehead to Alphonse's as he choked out the words,

"I'm s-sorry, please say you're okay…please tell me I d-didn't just make you do that against your will…" he was desperate for an answer…this guilt would crush him worse than anything…

…if he'd made Alphonse do something so wrong.

He opened his eyes when Alphonse's arms slipped over his shoulders to hold him and the younger blonde smiled sweet and content,

"I'm okay…you didn't force me, I'd…I'd do it again right now if you wanted me to Edward, I'd do anything you want me to do…" he sounded so sincere.

Edward could have melted at how much love swelled in his chest for Alphonse, just knowing that he was okay…just knowing he didn't hate Edward for this…it made him feel so much relief…

Alphonse's dry, sticky lips, warm from their misuse, pressed lightly…almost questioningly to his own.

…how could Edward deny that sweet mouth of the one person he loved more than anything?

Edward gave into his need to kiss Alphonse –it was something he'd never done as a comfort before the change in their relationship- but taking Alphonse's tongue into his own mouth and tasting himself…tasting what his brother had so willingly done for him…

Edward hated that he appreciated it, he hated that he adored Alphonse for it…

But that hate was just a thought…it would never manifest…and so he kissed Alphonse, cleansing what he could of himself from his younger brother's innocent mouth.

Even if Alphonse was no innocent…what rested on his tongue was a sin and Edward felt guilty for it.

Even if Alphonse wanted it…he'd never  _stop_  feeling guilty about it.

Edward was clutching the back of Alphonse's shirt, bringing him as close and possible, kissing him as deep as possible and Alphonse was pliant and shivering in his arms…making breathy noises…

…it was disgusting…but he wouldn't let go…

Until he heard a noise at the door, Edward's heart stopped in his chest within the split second he took to pull himself away from Alphonse. Suddenly he remembered Winry and his heart started to palpitate…if she walked in right then…everything would be obvious.

There was no hiding the flush of their faces, the redness of Alphonse's lips, their heavy breathing and the white stains on his jeans and the sleeve of his shirt.

He was sick, this was wrong…and Winry would tell Pinako and Alphonse would suffer disgrace and shame.

And prison.

 _'Never, Alphonse will_ _ **never**_ _go to prison, I'll take the blame…I'll say it's me, I'm the one who wants him, they'll believe it, Alphonse has always been the better half of the two of us…I'm the fuck up…'_  the thoughts ran through his mind fast and sure as he stared at the door.

Mentally prepared for the worst.

"It's CookieBoots, he's scratching on the door." Alphonse's shaken voice nearly made him jump.

He glanced at Alphonse, who looked pale but more irritated at the unnecessary shock they'd received. He blinked with mild confusion before glancing back to the door. Edward walked toward the door and switched the light on –wondering if he'd regret casting the aftermath their dirty act into light- before he opened the door just enough for the kitten to slip inside, it's tail in the air looking for attention.

He closed the door again and looked around the room uncertainly, with the light on he wasn't sure he was ready to look at his younger brother's beautiful face that he'd just spoiled with his…

 _'…shit…just calm down…'_  he took a few quiet breaths and then turned to look at Alphonse.

The younger blonde wasn't flush faced anymore, the scare from CookieBoots had drained all the blood from his face and lips. He just looked tired and a little dishelleved, his hair was untidy because Edward had had his hand in it…directing Alphonse's movements…

 _'…I'm the worst…worst brother…how could I…?'_  he thought with pain in his chest,

"Are you sure you're okay?" he had to ask again, even if the answer wouldn't quell his guilt.

Alphonse answered 'yes' confidently and he sounded fine…Edward just nodded and reminded himself again that it was what Alphonse wanted.

He knew it might take a while…but eventually he'd move passed this. Alphonse didn't look hurt, confused or injured…only dazed and even slightly pleased, satisfied.

He could do nothing further about the heavy guilt rampaging through his insides,

"I'm going to shower…" he remembered what had been in Alphonse's mouth and thought to ask, "…do you want to use the bathroom first?" he knew his face was probably red.

Alphonse said no and Edward saw a content tilt in his smile for a second, he could only blush…he didn't want to think it…but he did.

Alphonse…he'd moaned…he enjoyed what had happened and he liked the taste of…it…on his tongue.

Edward swallowed absently, he could taste himself too and it certainly didn't make him feel elated or turned on, it just tasted bitter, slightly salty. All the same, he nodded and left the bedroom.

He didn't think to close the bedroom door, it didn't seem necessary. Everything was in darkness, Winry was possibly sleeping and it probably wasn't even passed 7 p.m. But in their apartment things were always eerie and Edward found the darkness and quiet no more disconcerting than usual.

He stepped into the bathroom and switched the light on, closing the door behind him.

When he thought about it, the recent weeks had actually been fine, there'd been no eerie silences and uncomfortable atmospheres, it was only like this now that Winry was here and their isolation was disturbed.

She was in the middle of their problems and he hated it, they always dragged her into bad situations…he always made her cry. He sighed as he walked to the bath tub, reaching in to start the shower up, he thought about earlier…before he'd gone into the bedroom after Alphonse.

Winry had turned him on because it was natural, their chemistry had always been of the non-platonic variety. From the time of their childhood days, where Edward would see her in a pretty dress and tell her she looked stupid, it had been the way he was naturally inclined to behave because he felt stupid for thinking she looked pretty. As he got older, he'd been aware enough of her female presence to blush around her when he was half naked on her automail fittings table, even if he hadn't been interested in her at the time.

But it wasn't just Winry, feelings of a non-platonic nature came naturally with people who  _were not related_ to him, as logic dictated. He'd never liked Mustang –not in  _that_ way- but that didn't mean he didn't blush at 15 and 16 when Mustang used to talk about his sex-capades in the office with all of the guys and the mental imagery of Mustang naked would be rather racy for him. Even the first time Hawkeye had ever hugged him had been weird, just after he'd resigned from the military and they'd been saying goodbye to everyone.

He never liked her  _that_  way but her touching him closely immediately made him feel awkward because he was aware of her attractive female presence.

He frowned while he undressed, his thoughts, as they often did were giving him a headache. When he was done putting his dirty clothes into the wash basket, he pulled the tie out of his hair, tossed it on the counter and stepped into the tub, sighing under the running water of the shower.

He was trying to ease his guilt in thinking about platonic feelings and natural chemistry, trying to make up an excuse. He was feeling really guilty, not only because Alphonse had done such a sordid thing for him…but also because he'd only been able to give that to Alphonse because of Winry. If he hadn't gotten hard for her…

He sighed again as he let the hot water soak through his hair and run over his shoulders, eyes closed and head hung. He'd never blushed or been physically conscious of himself in the past when Alphonse touched him, hugged him, smiled at him, kissed him on his cheek…even that night when Alphonse first kissed him on the mouth in the Rockbell's den, he hadn't blushed, he hadn't even blinked.

Because he had naturally considered it to be platonic.

And even though so much had changed between him and Alphonse…for some reason he still wasn't able to react to Alphonse the way he had for Winry. It's not that he wanted to…he knew that, it was just that he felt like he was betraying Alphonse…weirder still…now that he thought about what he'd been doing with Winry, he realized that Alphonse had had every right to be angry at him.

Because…technically, considering his and Alphonse's new living situation…what had happened with Winry… was like cheating. He leaned back from the water, clearing water from his eyes with his hand before he frowned deeply at the wall tiles,

' _…cheating on my brother.'_  The thought was absurd but still rung true in light of the circumstances.

Edward placed his hand to his forehead, he had such a headache already and yet he was still avoiding thinking about the main issue.

He didn't even want to think of the fact that Alphonse had just given him an explicit, immoral and illegal blow job. It was graphic, it was real…he'd not been afraid, forced or unsure, he'd been erect, he'd been complicit, he'd been right there as an active willing partner…

This much could get them arrested.

Edward was standing still under the water, letting it stream over his back, hot and harsh.

He'd known the seriousness of what they'd done from the second he'd heard a noise at the bedroom door just earlier, it had been like wild fire tearing through his chest and a loud racket through his formerly quiet mind.

Their carelessness…their stupidity.

They would go to prison if  _anyone_  found out and reported them.

Miscellaneous touches…some less than innocent kisses, a state judge would probably give them some sort of lesser punishment for those offences.

But what they'd done…was sex. Oral sex was still sex…not only penetration counted as sex…

Even the hand job he'd given Alphonse would probably be considered a steep offence…

He swallowed thickly…thinking of Mustang and his annoying ability to show up and  _know_  things.

"Fuck…" he mumbled as he reached for the bottle of shower gel, the mint one that Alphonse kept purchasing. He started to wash himself, trying not to bury himself under thoughts of excuses and lies he'd use to avoid prosecution if anyone found out…and most importantly, to avoid Alphonse being prosecuted.

As he lathered the soap over his skin he thought about the fact that he and Alphonse would have to sit down and talk about the illegal implications very seriously. If they were going to continue like this –it was becoming more and more obvious that was likely- they'd have to make sure they had a story that would corroborate why they were both adult, single sibling males living together.

They'd have to talk about discretion…

He spent a few minutes in the steamy, hot silence just enjoying the water, he'd finished washing himself and the water was creating a warm soap sud pool around his previously iced cold toes. His mind drifted as he breathed evenly, calmly…his former state of rationality returning.

He hated to admit that he felt better…he felt good…relieved.

He blushed at the memory of feeling Alphonse's mouth around him, his tongue…how his throat convulsed pleasurably the deeper he went…

Edward groaned quietly to himself, he didn't think he would ever be able to forget that. It wasn't even the best oral he'd ever received but it was the person who counted…it was Alphonse. And Edward shivered with shame because he'd orgasmed so hard and he'd cum quite substantially…and Alphonse had…

Edward switched the taps off and silence settled around him,

"…he enjoyed it." He said softly, his breathy words disturbing the steam.

He'd never be able to forget that moan either…he hadn't known Alphonse could make such a sexy sound…

Edward was frowning at the water swirling down the drain when he became aware of muffled voices. He raised his head and pulled the shower curtain back, trying to listen to see if he was hearing things, but a second later there was more muffled talking.

 _'Alphonse and Winry…'_  he felt panic rise, they should  **not** be talking to one another, not after what had just happened between either of them and himself.

"Fuck, this is messed up…" he whispered to himself as he stepped out of the tub, wet feet nearly causing him to slip on the tiles before he grabbed a clean towel off the rack. The very fact he'd been  _busy_  with Winry not even five minutes before he'd been  _busy_  with Alphonse made him sick to his stomach.

The guilt was just piling up.

He opened the bathroom door, wrapped the towel around his waist and noticed the voices of both Alphonse and Winry sounded tense, so he walked quickly to the mostly closed door and he saw Winry standing just inside.

"Winry." He said her name just because he heard the tightness of Alphonse's voice and needed to interrupt them.

He was really glad he heard them when he did, both of them were probably rife with raw conflicting emotions right then –not that he wasn't- and when people were in moods like that they tended to say things.

He pushed the door open and gave Alphonse –who was visibly annoyed- a warning look, he knew his younger brother knew better than to go off the handle but emotions really fucked with a person.

He glanced between them, Winry turned to look at him and they both became red in the face…he could have slapped them both…and himself because he was only in a towel…and everyone's emotions were all over the place.

Still, he didn't let it get to him, he had to stay level headed for Alphonse's sake.

"E-edward…I was just…I was just seeing if you were okay…" Winry's voice was soft and her eyes were wandering. Edward felt too bad to make eye contact with her, so he said he was okay and asked her the question in return as he turned away and walked further into the room, clothes would be a good idea right then.

She answered…but her voice sounded distant.

Edward assumed it was just Winry's soft sad voice, the kind she used so many times when telling him and Alphonse that she was scared for them, for all the danger they got into in their questing years. It was her tone of regret…which fit the picture rather perfectly.

He dug through Alphonse's clothes drawers inside the wardrobe, thinking that the silence was probably awkward but not really knowing exactly how to stop it from being so. He didn't feel all that up to talking.

When he found a loose clean sleeping pants, he turned around and looked to Winry first since he'd been speaking to her…but she was staring at Alphonse…with a look far too much like…repugnance.

He looked to Alphonse quickly to see his younger brother, his cheeks tainted red…his body and mind probably still reeling with feelings so sudden and unsorted, staring at him…with that look he gave often of affection and want…which to an outsider was a look just short of ogling.

Edward's body rushed hot with worry…but he broke out in a cold sweat.

Winry was seeing that look…and then Alphonse seemed to sense something was amiss because he turned to look at Winry.

Edward's mind – as it so often did in times of danger and imminent trouble- focused acutely on the enemy.

Winry.

 _'Get rid of her…'_  he thought simply, she needed to step out so that Alphonse could pull himself together, right after Edward smacked him for being so fucking stupid and obvious.

"Winry, I need to change my clothes…" he said the words smoothly, confidently…with a hint of insistence.

But as was classical of Winry Rockbell when facing Edward Elric, she didn't listen,

"Did you see how Alphonse was looking at you?" her face was a picture of distaste.

Edward's insides shook quite badly, that question was severely straightforward.

She wasn't even going to start with the suggestion of something being weird, she was all out accusing Alphonse. It was suspicious to him and he figured it had something to do with whatever they'd been talking about before he showed up.

They obviously had developed a problem with each other and it made Edward nauseous to think it was because of him, whether Winry realized it or not. Still, her attitude could be taken advantage of and as bad as it was, he'd always known how to press Winry's buttons, all the wrong and right ones,

"What do you mean?" he made sure he sounded angry –he was angry at Alphonse- but directed it at her.

He was glad Alphonse had his mouth shut because Edward would have otherwise shut it for him.

 _'How can he be so fucking careless!?'_  he ranted in his head as Winry's stubborn expression only worsened,

"Edward, he was… **looking**  at you…you know, the way I look at you…" her face turned red, he didn't know whether it was embarrassment or anger and he didn't care.

All he thought of was to protect Alphonse.

And the only way to protect him was to lie…even if it meant turning this on Winry, Edward would lie and deny everything until he was blue in the face,

"What? What the fuck do you mean by that Winry?" he knew he sounded as pissed off as he felt.

He was daring her to say again what she was accusing Alphonse of, however true it was, she didn't know and so he could use it against her.

He saw her blue eyes narrow, she was always headstrong, not unlike himself,

"I mean he was looking at like…like…he was enjoying you walking around half naked." She raised her voice slightly.

Edward's temper –for the second time in an hour- trumped all other emotion,

"Are you implying that Alphonse was…what, checking me out?" he asked loudly, incredulously, he was amazed by how much his anger was steadying his tone. Somehow he was genuinely offended and it didn't make any sense.

They were doing something wrong…yet he was angry at Winry for noticing?

She finally faltered, just like Alphonse, she knew full well when Edward was really pissed off,

"Well, that's what it looked like." She half mumbled.

Edward felt sick, he just wanted her out…out of the room, out of the apartment…

He didn't even want to look at Alphonse right then, everything was so fucked up and the more people they dragged into this the worse it would get.

He was disgusted with himself, because it was  _his_  fault Winry was even there,

"That's fucking sick Winry…" he could feel he was sneering and he hadn't made such an expression in years, "…what the hell is wrong with you, if your mad at me then stay mad at me, leave Alphonse out of it." He pointed a finger at her, threatening her with his tone but regretting it on the inside.

He hated every second of his ill directed anger…she didn't deserve it…but she was too close now and just like Mustang, she had to be pushed away…to protect Alphonse and himself.

She visibly flinched and blinked quickly, so quickly Edward knew her eyes were burning up with tears for a second time that night…again caused by him. The tears fell from her eyes and she looked away, hurt already…and she'd only been there such a short time.

They'd really created a unique version of hell for themselves and anyone who set foot there.

As tears slipped from her eyes she mumbled apologies most likely insincere and left, closing the door behind herself. Edward didn't even take a second to rein in his anger, he turned and strode to the dumbstruck younger blonde wanting nothing more than to punch him across his face so hard it knocked some fucking sense into him.

But Edward would _never_  strike his brother with malicious intent to hurt him or make him bleed.

But he would hit him hard enough to warn him about being a fucking moron, so he punched Alphonse in his sternum and was satisfied with the grimace and huff of pained breath that followed.

Alphonse looked at him pained, confused, worried and shell-shocked, holding his chest. Edward didn't hesitate, his voice low and sharp, hoping to inflict the rest of his anger onto Alphonse well enough to drive his point home,

"Do you fucking realize what could have happened just now?!" he was speaking through clenched teeth.

Just earlier he'd been thinking about how serious their situation was and that they could be  _arrested_  and here Alphonse was spacing out and watching him lustfully in front of Winry!

Alphonse stuttered out a useless apology and Edward clenched his fists trying to calm himself down,

"You're fucking sorry? Alphonse, do you know what would happen if someone found out about this…" he pointed at Alphonse's hurt chest, watching and hating seeing tears filling his green eyes but he was too angry, worrying for Alphonse's sake, "…just…fuck…" he nearly bit his tongue when he clenched his teeth again, "…just try to remember that this…" he gestured between the two of them, "…is fucking  _wrong_ and  **illegal** _._  You can't look at me like that around other people, get a hold of yourself." he knew he sounded cold but Alphonse nodding and looking afraid was necessary.

He'd obviously slipped up…but it couldn't happen again. It was too risky.

Edward watched tears fall over Alphonse's pale cheeks and it bothered him more than a million of Winry's tears, he wanted to hold Alphonse and apologize for being angry, for hurting him…but his own emotions were still far too raw.

Too much had happened, he needed to be alone…he needed to calm down.

He pushed Alphonse's hand away as the younger man reached out and turned around to get dressed, going back to the wardrobes, muttering curse words he hadn't used since he first met Mustang.

He listened and felt his chest ache with guilt as Alphonse sobbed his quiet apologies…but he couldn't hold the younger man now…he just wanted to be alone…

He made up an excuse to sleep in the lounge and left the bedroom, going back into the dark hall.

* * *

Edward spent the night on the couch next to the fire…awake.

He couldn't fall asleep no matter how hard he tried, he kept thinking of how he'd hurt Winry…and more importantly what he had done with Alphonse…

…and how close they'd come to being caught.

He didn't know for sure what Winry would do if she found out…but his gut told him she'd probably tell Pinako, in tears and with disgust. And Pinako would come to Central –for matters as serious as this she'd travel- and she'd just need to look at him and look at Alphonse.

And she'd know.

She would be able to tell that he and Alphonse were now more than brothers should be…

And Edward knew that while she would have overlooked Alphonse's feelings in the beginning –while thinking the younger blonde was very sick- she wouldn't have gone to the authorities. But now that they were  _more,_ he feared that she would…

…and Izumi would definitely find out. He shuddered to think of the physical pain they'd both be subjected to…but worse, far worse, he knew that if she didn't go to the authorities and report them then she would separate them forcefully.

Both very hurtful outcomes…

…then Edward had wondered long into the night about what Mustang would say…what he would do?

He thought it odd that he felt like he could trust Mustang with anything, it might have been foolish of him but he really did. Something told him that the older man would no doubt be disturbed and furious, but that he would approach the situation objectively.

He almost knew for certain that Mustang wouldn't turn them in, which was ironic since he was General of the military…but there would be therapy, doctors and still, there would be separation.

Even Mustang would separate them…which was why he wouldn't tell the older man, ever.

Besides, even though he might trust Mustang, he knew the older man would be disgusted…probably more so at Edward for allowing it to get to this point than at Alphonse for his feelings…and he didn't want to see that look on Mustang's face…on anyone's face…he didn't want Alphonse to see it.

But Edward would take the pain and ridicule if he had to, he'd handle the disgust, if it meant Alphonse would be okay.

Edward couldn't stop the thoughts going through his head, his fears, his guilt, his anxiety.

Alphonse…Alphonse…Alphonse.

By the time the sun was coming up and first light could be seen through the lounge curtains, Edward had used up all the firewood and his eyes were sandy with tiredness.

He pushed himself up off the couch…his warm feet touching cold tile like his thoughts returning to reality.

Sudden and painful.

Edward walked down the hall as quietly as possible and stopped at Alphonse's bedroom door, he took a quiet breath before turning the handle down and walking in quietly. He glanced at the kitten, it picked its head up when he walked in, it was asleep at Alphonse's feet.

The younger blonde was buried underneath the blankets.

He didn't want to disturb him, he just needed to be near him, sit with him.

Edward's life was full of uncertainty and people he couldn't trust but his actions and heart had always been steadied by a constant…it still was…one constant, a never ending and unconditional source of strength.

Alphonse…

…from when they'd been 6 and 7 and used to fight with each other about who should have to pick up the raked leaves in the back yard and Edward – being older- would have to do it…still Alphonse always ended up helping him anyway.

And even when they were 16 and 17…and after years of never knowing taste, touch or smell, Alphonse had given up more…sacrificed what was left of his existence to give Edward his arm back…so he could fight…so he could keep living…

Edward stood looking over Alphonse for a few silent minutes, his own heart beat was steady and he remembered vividly how he'd been so happy to feel Alphonse's heart beat in his chest every night he'd lay recovering in hospital…back in his body.

His perfect new body…weak and thin with a lack of nourishment, pale having not been touched by sunlight for years…but by no means any less perfect.

Perfect…from the fine, pin straight fair blonde hair atop his head right down to his pale white feet…every toe nail, finger nail, fine hair on his skin, every tiny mole…

…Edward had re-created it.

He'd had many nightmares in his teenage years but the worst…were the ones about the transmuting of Alphonse's body.

He'd always been terrified that he would get it wrong…he'd worried he'd fuck up like he always did, worried if Alphonse might be blind, if his skin might be too thin, his heart might be weak…if his nerves would misfire…

The last he'd seen Alphonse was at 10 years old…then again in the Gate briefly. And while he was –though he hated to acknowledge it- a fucking genius and when the time came everything, all of his extensive knowledge had flowed so naturally…he'd still been afraid he'd get it wrong.

He'd never told Alphonse but Edward spent hours upon hours revising human anatomy and biology books in the past whenever he'd had a chance…

He had to know every detail perfectly…because he knew he would get his younger brother's body back some day. And now Alphonse was perfect…there used to be a scar on his left knee from falling on a sharp rock in the grass fields where they played as kids, scars on his knuckles and scratches on his shins from the time they'd spent on the island during alchemy training, a birthmark on his thigh just above the back of his knee…

Now there was nothing…he was a flawless pale canvas of skin…the way Edward always envisioned him.

Because to Edward, Alphonse had always been perfect.

He slowly crouched down, hearing the bones in his knees pop before he sat on the cold tiles beside the bed, he could just barely see the back of Alphonse's hair under the blanket.

Edward sat there for a long time…listening to Alphonse breath.

He sighed very quietly and frowned…Alphonse wasn't perfect in the end, Edward had fucked him up.

It didn't matter when he'd done it, whether he'd ever know how he done it, whether it was the transmutation of something as intricate as a brain or whether it was all the physical affection he'd smothered his brother with during a time when physical sensation was like new to him…

…it didn't matter…

Edward had fucked him up.

They were living it…breathing it…incest…

It was a sickness to be sexually attracted to a sibling.

But Alphonse felt it…and now Edward did too, to a lesser extent but still, he felt it…

Now Edward enjoyed that flawless skin too much, he enjoyed the taste of his younger brother's tongue…

…it was happening to him and he couldn't stop it…

Because he loved Alphonse and that was all that really meant anything.

In the end…there was nothing more to life than love…

And it wasn't about who you would choose to die for because almost everyone would die for someone, a husband, a wife, a child, a lover, a sibling…

…it was about who you would choose to  _live_  for. Who would you literally alter your existence for to make that one person happy? Edward lived, breathed and existed for Alphonse.

Through sick and sin. For Alphonse.

He smiled slightly to himself and glanced again to the back of Alphonse's fair blonde head of hair.

Minutes later he heard his bedroom door open, the sound of Winry going to the bathroom followed…and Edward stood up and left the bedroom as silently as he'd come, deciding he could use some really strong coffee.

* * *

Edward really hadn't appreciated the awkwardness of the morning, they'd all sat around deathly silent. The clock ticking loudly in a way that just didn't agree with Edward's somber mood and so he'd been pissy since then…

But now, hours later, he was saying goodbye to Winry at the train station because she'd chosen to leave…and he was both happy and sad to see her go. She was not all sweet smiles and looks of love as they said their goodbyes. She was distant, uncertain and skittish.

Edward didn't like the look on her face…a saying he'd heard during his time in the military seemed to resound in his mind…something about a woman scorned…

But for right then she didn't really know anything more than a blush she'd seen on Alphonse's face at the sight of his half naked brother, such a trivial thing could be talked down if it became necessary.

She hugged him, cold and short before looking relieved to finally be getting back on the train and Edward didn't blame her. Sometimes the idea of going away…and being somewhere else for a while seemed awfully tempting…

He breathed a white puff out into the cold air as the train left the station, taking a once deeply cared for friend away from his home and his heart, but he felt no great loss…because in more ways than it should, his heart belonged to someone else.

Edward waited until he could no longer see the train and then turned to leave the station, he walked along the empty platform, few people were hanging around in this weather.

His automail ached and so did his head, his nose burned and he really wanted a cup of coffee…

"Fullmetal!"

Edward stopped walking and tension rippled through his body very quickly at the sound of Roy Mustang's voice. He turned around, hands deep in his coat pockets and saw the older man walking toward him, confident strides beneath his heavy black coat, a scarf over his shoulders and a travel case in one hand.

He was standing in front of Edward before the blonde had a chance to fully get his expression into neutral, as it were he was scowling.

"What's with that face, I thought you grew out of it." Mustang joked as he reached a hand up to pat Edward's shoulder and then hesitated.

Edward knew why he hesitated but wasn't surprised when the hand patted his shoulder firmly anyway, he didn't even flinch. Mustang smirked at him and Edward felt a familiar and welcome urge to punch the man settle in his mind.

Some normalcy.

Edward was glad to note that Mustang's presence didn't make him antsy Probably because Alphonse wasn't in their vicinity...

"I can't help it, your voice makes me homicidal." Edward mumbled, not sounding quite like himself but the older man still had a smile for the comment anyway,

"As pleasant as ever, let's get coffee…that train ride from the East is the worst." He complained, his hand gripping Edward's shoulder firmly as he started walking, leading Ed to walk as well.

Edward found himself going along without disdain…coffee sounded good…

Edward shrugged the hand off once they reached a small coffee shop just outside the train station and they sat down inside, it wasn't very warm but it beat being outside.

They sat in silence as Mustang took his regular black gloves off and placed them on top of his suite case next to his chair, Edward kept his gloves on, turned his chair so the back was to the wall and he slouched in his seat, arms across his chest.

Mustang raised his hand, index and middle finger extended for the woman at the small shop counter to see,

"Two coffees please, black." He said audibly and she nodded.

Edward just stared at the flatness of Mustang's hair, oiled out from train travelling for days, he had stubble on his chin and he looked really tired,

"The fuck do you do in the East when you're on vacation…you don't have any family there…" Edward found himself curious enough to fill the silence between them.

Best he talk normally, silence was awkward and now that he was looking better maybe Mustang wouldn't snoop anymore and accept that he was fine.

"I have family, not related to me by blood but I did grow up in the East* if you recall." He said with shrug.

"Doesn't look like you had a good visit." Edward said honestly, "You look like shit."

Mustang smiled at him smug as ever, shit look notwithstanding,

"Speaking of which, you look better. That mysterious illness is finally leaving you?"

Edward just stared at him, conveying his annoyance but he said nothing, instead he just turned his eyes away from Mustang's amused expression to stare at the ugly off green wall paint of the shop.

He was grateful enough that there was no tension, Mustang was either too tired or too distracted by his exhaustion, the bastard was spoiled and hardly had to suffer long travels.

"What were you doing at the station?" Mustang asked just after the woman placed two cups of black coffee on the small wobbly table between them.

Edward sighed as he remained sitting sideways from the table, awkwardly reaching one arm to the side to pull out a small sachet of sugar from the bowl on the table before bringing it to his eye level and tearing it open,

"Seeing Winry off." He mumbled.

He glanced up in time to see Mustang's shit eating grin, the older man was putting sugar into his coffee as well,

"Is  **that**  why you're looking better, did you get laid?" he wiggled his eyebrows disturbingly.

Edward glared at him as he used one hand to pour the sugar into his coffee,

"You're such a sleaze. How the hell do  **you** ever get laid…?" Edward shook his head and finally sat properly in his chair so he could stir the single sugar into his coffee.

He heard Mustang laugh quietly,

"I have my ways…"

"You're a smooth talker, bastard. Lies, lies, flattery and your military uniform…" Edward was smiling now, finding it a little easier to talk without all the guilt and misery clouding his mind.

"It's better than you…forward and abrupt."

"Works." Ed muttered against the rim of his cup, sipping the hot black liquid.

"As does my method." Mustang did the same.

After a few sips Mustang put his cup down and sighed like he'd just drank heaven in a cup, leaning back in his chair,

"Train coffee is disgusting…" he complained.

Edward just raised his eyebrows and continued to sip his coffee.

It was comfortable silence, the sort they used to have when Mustang read through his mission reports while he was half asleep on the sofa in the older man's office.

Edward stared at Mustang over his cup, seeing the exhaustion lines in his face clearly, he frowned,

"Seriously…you look like shit, were you drunk for three weeks straight?" he finished off his coffee.

Mustang was smirking,

"It was fun, I regret nothing."

"Ugh…" Edward said articulately.

"So what about you and Winry, I always figured you and her would get together." Mustang said casually, although Edward knew even the simplest question could help Mustang gain insight from the answer.

"Nope…there's no me and Winry." He used his tone that stated there was no room for elaboration.

"Alphonse and Winry?" Mustang finished off the last of his coffee with a raised eyebrow.

"Nope."

"So you and Alphonse are both still single?"

Edward knew the question wasn't an accusation…still, it felt like it,

"…Al will probably get a girlfriend when he starts University." He said vaguely, knowing it made enough sense.

"And you?" Mustang was taking money out to pay for the coffee and Edward let him.

"You know me Mustang," they both stood up after he put the cash on the table under his cup, "if I want someone I'll go after them…" he joked as casually as possible.

…but Edward was quite certain he'd never even be interested in looking at another person. It wasn't that he wanted Alphonse…even though it was the ideal scenario under the circumstances, it was because after what happened with Winry and how guilty he felt, he really couldn't go through that feeling every or any time he might see someone that interested him.

Feeling like he was cheating on Alphonse was awful.

Mustang picked up his suitcase and gloves and they walked out of the shop,

"Hm, that is true, you're impulsive and determined Edward. Never changing." He smiled.

Edward had changed, Mustang just didn't know it.

"You and Alphonse should come out with me and Havoc sometime. You're both old enough now for me to get you two drunk  **and**  there'll be women, there are always women." Mustang sounded sincere enough, despite his alcohol and womanizing motives.

Edward just gave him a bored look and a noncommittal shrug and Mustang looked at him lamely.

They stopped on the sidewalk down the street from the shop,

"Come into HQ on Monday, we'll talk." Mustang shivered in the cold as he pulled his gloves back on.

Edward could have cursed out loud, he'd known the man would say that,

"Talk about what?" he sounded as irritated as he felt.

"We'll catch up." Mustang smirked.

Edward half rolled his eyes, he was not interested in a vague interrogation,

"Maybe…"  _'…definitely not…'_  "…see ya, Mustang." Edward raised his hand to wave lazily before he started to walk away.

He heard Mustang say something about coming to see him but he didn't bother to take too much notice. He was cold, his leg ached and he was really tired since he hadn't slept the night before…a hot bath and unconsciousness seemed like the most wonderful thing in the world.

* * *

He hadn't really slept well for the two nights he slept alone after Winry had left but he used the time to clear his mind and get rid of the buildup of aggression and anxiety he'd felt in the short time she had been there. He'd had a lot of unsorted thoughts and emotions to deal with and some time alone helped with that.

Alphonse seemed to be uninterested in talking, it was like he was avoiding Edward and even though the older blonde worried at first that it was because of the…oral sex. When he thought about it properly and saw the guilty frown on Alphonse's face whenever they looked at one another, he knew the younger man was just giving him some space.

Even though he'd gotten over his initial anger at Alphonse's carelessness, he accepted the space and in turn knew that Alphonse might appreciate some space as well, even if he didn't know it.

Something major had happened between them and they needed to process it.

Edward was trying to work out how he felt about Alphonse sexually after what had happened…he'd been sure something would change about his feelings, yet he remained the same. He still loved his younger brother and what they'd done hadn't affected his psyche any worse than the damage that had been done in earlier weeks. He couldn't really draw any solid conclusions about his feelings though…

His thoughts had been scattered ever since Winry arrived…but now she was gone, Mustang seemed like he wasn't suspicious of anything and he and Alphonse were alone again…

…behind closed doors where no one could see them.

He figured the only way to get answers would be to keep moving forward.

He walked down the hall from his bedroom after changing his clothes, he'd taken a long hot bath- he didn't often like baths but it felt pretty good to soak in the water every once in a while.

He stopped at Alphonse's door, it wasn't closed all the way so he just pushed it in and it creaked quietly, getting the younger blonde's attention.

Alphonse was sitting up in his bed with a book in his lap, he looked wide eyed at Edward and the older man smiled,

"Hey…you okay in here…or you wanna sleep in my room?" he asked, but he already knew the answer.

Alphonse smiled –relieved- and he nodded, pushing his blankets and the book off of his lap with one quick shove before getting out of the bed, feet on the cold tiles.

Edward just kept smiling as he turned and went back to his bedroom, always happy to make Al happy.

And he was also smiling because there was something adorable about the way Alphonse walked on his tip toes because the floor was cold but he hadn't taken the extra few seconds to put on his bedroom slippers.

Edward hadn't thought so before…but now he found the eagerness Alphonse expressed to be with him…endearing. In a very non-platonic way.

He switched off the light as Alphonse got under the covers and Edward felt immediately better once he was lying down next to Alphonse, their bodies close and sharing their warmth.

His ever acclimating mind absently provided him with new details of their closeness…Alphonse's body fit alongside his rather well, they were more or less the same height and only marginally different in breadth.

He was more aware now of Alphonse's body against his as they spooned, his chest to Alphonse's back, the curve of Alphonse's backside pressed flush against his own pelvic area, the feeling of Alphonse's toned thighs aligned with his…and even one of Alphonse's feet were touching his flesh foot.

They had laid like this so many times…and Edward always enjoyed it, but only right then did he acknowledge the intimacy of laying this way with someone…with his younger brother.

He closed his eyes, tempted to kiss the back of Alphonse's neck against all of his previous brotherly reasoning…but Alphonse moved to turn over…

Edward shifted his arm so Alphonse could roll over and he felt the younger's arm slip around his waist and the familiar warmth of his breath under his chin.

Alphonse apologized quietly…for his carelessness around Winry, swearing easily just like Edward usually did, his arm squeezing around Edward just a bit and he felt Alphonse's toes –still cool from the tiles- brush over the top of his flesh foot.

He nearly shivered.

Edward sighed, he had known it was bothering Alphonse all along,

"It's fine…" he said quietly and frowned, "…and don't say fucking…" he never did like to hear Alphonse curse.

Alphonse's quiet laugh warmed his chest and the frown left his face, he was reminded now of how much he really did enjoy this unnatural closeness between them.

The feeling of Alphonse's breath on his neck as he laughed and the vibrations of it from their chest to chest and feet to…foot. It was a sort of closeness he'd have never experienced if not for Alphonse's affliction.

And how wrong it should feel…but it just didn't.

Not anymore…not for while and even less since he'd shared an intimate part of his sexual need with his younger brother…not since he'd kissed Alphonse and tasted himself.

There would still be more…he didn't doubt…they would share more of their bodies than they should…

…and Edward was slowly realizing that maybe…it could be like Alphonse wanted it to be.

Edward was slowly starting to wonder, with vague sadness…if he wanted his younger brother…as a lover.

"Okay…" Alphonse shifted so they were face to face, "…are we okay?"

He looked over Alphonse's face and he felt guilty for leaving Alphonse to worry and fret for two days,

"Yeah…and you Al, you're okay right?" he traced his knuckles lightly over the warm skin of Al's cheek.

Soft, warm flesh…he wondered now if he'd always desired Alphonse on some level and had never realized it.

He doubted it though…he'd have noticed lust amidst his love.

These feelings were new…and growing quickly and steadily…

Alphonse was asking him if anything had changed since what had happened in his bedroom…and Edward took a quiet breath…he'd been wondering the exact same thing. But…

"I…don't know." He said truthfully, he didn't know…nothing felt different.

He watched Alphonse lick his lips before he moved to lean over him…he saw the question in his eyes. He knew Alphonse wanted to kiss, he wanted to test if anything had changed and Edward was curious too. Edward traced the tips of his fingers from Alphonse's cheek to the back of his neck and pulled him down to close the gap between their mouths, parted and searching.

They both needed to know if anything was different.

Edward wondered as he tasted his brother's saliva… _'…is it really that simple? Will Alphonse and I…have sex tonight if I get an erection?'_

It was a fact…that if he did…they would.

He knew it. And it scared him.

But after a while…his fear ebbed…

He was aware of Alphonse's hand as he slid it slowly and sensually over his clothes…to feel for what he already knew was not present. He had no erection…regardless of the warm pleasure slowly coiling between his legs.

Nothing had changed.

Alphonse pulled out of the kiss and looked down at him…not upset but slightly disappointed.

"Sorry, Al." he mumbled, not really able to say much else.

"…but you do get turned on, right?" Alphonse frowned lightly, curiously.

Edward blinked,

"Yeah." He did…he was turned on right then.

"…like when you were doing whatever you were doing with Winry…except without the main result?" the question tugged slightly at an unconscious pain and he looked away from Alphonse.

He could still remember the hurt in Winry's blue eyes…even if he didn't love her enough to be with her, he'd never wanted to hurt her.

"Yeah…it's the same." He answered honestly, no point lying.

Alphonse kissed him then, light and soft and Edward reacted to the tingle that the sweet kiss sent trailing down his spine, he held Alphonse's lips to his own…for just a second longer.

Warm and…almost chaste.

Alphonse didn't move away once they parted and Edward could smell the toothpaste on his breath as he spoke against his lips. Alphonse was saying he wanted to make him a fancy dinner…

Edward nearly laughed at how silly that sounded…like something a wife would do.

He didn't make fun though,

"Hm…like a date dinner?" he couldn't keep the amusement out of his voice.

"Yeah…what do you say?" he was smiling and his hand was warm through Edward's shirt against his chest.

He turned his eyes away, too caught up in Alphonse's hopeful eyes for a second,

"I'll be in the apartment all day tomorrow…it's not really going to be very date like…" he pushed his bangs back from his face.

Alphonse insisted it wasn't a problem and Edward found himself agreeing, it was harmless after all…and Alphonse looked like he was very happy to do it.

With a final kiss, short and sweet the way Edward enjoyed, Alphonse rolled back over and Edward closed his eyes…sleep came easily to him that night.

* * *

Edward had taken the time to shower, shave, freshen up and make himself look spruced up, as if he were going out on a date.

Alphonse had been up early, he'd gone out and bought a bunch of stuff, he'd been cooking all day and Edward hadn't seen him sit down once. He'd feel like a right bastard if he went to their 'dinner date' in his pajama pants with his hair untidy and pencil lead smudges on his face.

He had been working in his room most of the day so he didn't get in Alphonse's way.

He thought it was very funny, corny and even cute that Alphonse wanted to date him, it'd brought a silly smile to his face more than once throughout the day but it was a smile finely laced with affection

He pulled up the zipper and closed the button on his leather pants, they fit him just as well as any leather he'd ever worn, even though he'd only worn that particular pair once after buying it in Creta.

He didn't know why he chose to wear it…but he suspected it was because it was his newest pair of pants and Alphonse wanted this to be a fancy  _date_. On a date, one usually dressed to impress…he knew that and felt ridiculous about the whole thing for a second.

He nearly took the pants off…but after some glaring at himself in his mirror, he decided to leave it and he pulled on one of his newer black shirts. He spent the final half hour before dinner listening to the sounds beyond his bedroom door, Alphonse had been in the shower for a while and then he'd gone into his bedroom…now there were faint noises from the lounge.

Edward had just finished braiding his hair when he heard Alphonse checking the front door lock, he frowned as he tied his braid off and walked to his bedroom door, switching his light off as he stepped out.

He walked a little ways down the hall, noticing that all the lights were off and the orange glow from the fire in the lounge was the only warm brightness. He was going to ask why Alphonse was being paranoid about the door but when the younger blonde stepped into the hall with an exultant smile…Edward was struck speechless.

Alphonse was damn well attractive…especially with his short hair styled so untidily…

Edward noticed Alphonse was blushing after a moment and even though being looked at like that by his younger brother used to strike him as awkward, Edward felt oddly flattered and he thought it was cute.

And then he felt ridiculous for thinking of his brother as some flustered teenager…even if he looked it.

Alphonse thanked him for agreeing to the dinner and called it silly…Edward didn't think it was silly, just a bit funny…and he couldn't help tease Alphonse since the situation called for it.

But despite teasing him about looking 'beautiful', Alphonse really did look very handsome –Edward noted.

The wine red shirt looked really good against Alphonse's pale skin and the black jeans he wore fit his lean legs comfortably, not too tight or too baggy.

He'd never seen Alphonse dressed up 'casually'.

Alphonse complained about being teased with a slight pout and it was almost like they were kids again…except that this was a date…and there was no Winry for them to pretend to be boyfriend to.

It was just them, brothers…being like lovers, on a real date.

Edward apologized, letting the oddness of the situation fade to his subconscious before he genuinely complimented Alphonse, because he really did look nice.

A realization struck him just when Alphonse smiled, returning the compliment and again expressing his thanks that Edward was taking him seriously before gesturing toward the lounge.

With some slight hurt he realized that he and Alphonse had lived in Risembool for two whole years after they'd restored Al's body…but they'd never done half the things they could have and should have together.

It was almost like they'd been…distant.

They'd never gone out anywhere together, they'd never travelled together, worked together and any time they talked or spent time together at home…Winry or Pinako would be there either the entire time or at some point.

It had been home…and family…but he and Alphonse had grown apart.

They'd come from spending all of their days at each other's sides to hardly doing anything together outside of the Rockbell house…it hurt him now to think that he really should know his brother better…because Alphonse in the armor wasn't exactly the same as Alphonse in the flesh.

"Hell, you were cooking for three hours straight…" he followed Alphonse, trying not to focus on the pain of loss in his chest, "…I didn't want to be an ass-ho...le…"

Edward was stunned momentarily by the pleasant assault of vanilla to his senses and the warm candle and fire lit atmosphere of the lounge, the coffee table was even laid out fancily.

It was actually…pretty damn nice…

He no longer wanted to laugh at the corniness…he just wanted to appreciate the effort.

They may have lost a lot of time together…and taken their lives for granted. But now that they'd chosen this path, Edward was sure they'd find the time to get to know each other again properly…even if some of the things they'd learn about one another should never be…

* * *

Alphonse's cooking was great, he wasn't seasoned and long in the game to the point where he could signature his food with a certain unique taste like Gracia or their mother had, but he would get there fast. He made food with great detail and specific attention that Edward deeply appreciated because it tasted every bit as delicious as it was meant to.

Maybe if Alphonse changed his mind about being a doctor he could be a chef. Edward could really get used to that profession…

He smiled after swallowing the last piece of his vanilla cake slice,

"…did you make this?" Edward asked, licking icing from the corners of his lips.

Alphonse made a mock guilty face,

"Nope, I'm not the greatest at baking yet, I left the dessert to the bakery across the street."

Edward shrugged,

"You'd probably bake as well as you cook, which would be amazing." Edward found himself eyeing Alphonse's cake slice which had only a small corner piece missing from it.

He had no idea why Alphonse hadn't eaten it yet.

"…flattery will get you everywhere." Alphonse joked lamely with a smile and Edward smiled back,

"Will it get me that piece of cake?" he raised an eyebrow.

Alphonse glanced at the side plate with the cake on it before he picked it up from the table with a smile, he'd been sitting forward on the couch throughout dinner and Edward wondered if he was anxious about something.

"I would have bought more than two slices if I had known you'd like it so much." He handed it to Edward.

Edward picked the slice up with his hand and bit into it after he took the plate from Alphonse and after a moment Alphonse handed him a fork because the icing was getting stuck to his fingers.

He would have licked it off but he didn't want to be impolite after all the trouble Alphonse had gone to, so he used the proffered serviette to clean his fingers and then finished the cake with the fork.

Alphonse sat staring at his empty wine glass.

Edward frowned, wondering what the other man was thinking about, he seemed so preoccupied…

He finished the cake and licked the fork clean,

"That was really amazing Al, you're like a hundred times better at cooking than me." He was even licking his teeth in case there was any icing left behind.

He was impressed further because the meal had been enough to satisfy hunger without making him feel like he'd over eaten, he supposed that's what all the directions and specific ingredients were about in those recipe books. He leaned back on the couch and crossed his leather clad legs out of old habit, watching as Alphonse smiled and shifted slightly where he sat at the edge of the couch, he was glancing around, thinking about whatever was on his mind…

…and Edward noticed how the orange glow of the fire made Alphonse's green eyes seem brighter. When Alphonse looked back at him Edward smiled, he could mostly guess what Alphonse was thinking because of the look on his face.

For a second he felt guilty, this was a really…romantic, gesture. It was the sort of thing that proceeded a night of –he cringed inwardly at the term- love making between two people.

But he couldn't give Alphonse that –whether he wanted to or not- and so he offered his kiss when Alphonse moved closer and leaned in and he would offer whatever he could to Alphonse that night and any other.

Because he loved him…and nothing physical was about to change that.

He felt Alphonse's hand slide slowly over his chest and he allowed himself to indulge in touch, a basic thing, something Alphonse had lived without for years…now he asked for it and Edward would never deny him again. As his body warmed from Alphonse's small pleased sounds and quick breaths which incited arousal within him, he gestured for Alphonse to get into his lap.

Like the last time.

Except this time was more natural and his hands traced and touched Alphonse's willing body much easier, he let himself get lost in the kiss since it was all he could do…and Alphonse was really not a bad kisser at all.

Edward was well aware of how sick they both were…but they were only hurting each other.

And they were the only two people who had any right to hurt one another.

And behind closed doors they could be this way…and no one would need to know.

Edward wasn't naïve…he knew that secrets weren't made to be kept.

A week from now…a year…ten years…it would eventually come out.

But for Alphonse, he would live this lie for as long as he could.

He would do anything.

He felt Alphonse feeling him through his pants, in a way he was rubbing, Edward knew he was probably trying again to get him outwardly aroused…but Edward felt no hardening and he knew Alphonse would again be disappointed…

He felt bad…he knew Alphonse really wanted them to  **be**  together that way and he knew it hurt him every time Edward didn't rise to the occasion.

He pulled back from the kiss…wanting to see Alphonse smile, to please him.

"What do you want me to do for you?" he asked, his voice told of his feelings and he hoped Alphonse could tell that he wasn't immune.

Not to his kisses, not to his touches, his scent…his body…his skin…his taste…his needs.

As he looked up into his younger brother's face, flushed and needy…he saw consideration, he saw question...

Alphonse slipped off his lap, saying he wanted to ask Edward something and the older man felt a little anxious at the unsure tone in Alphonse's voice.

He sat across from Edward on the table, he swallowed nervously and he took a moment before he could meet Ed's eyes so the older blonde prompted him,

"What is it Alphonse?"

Alphonse's next words made his stomach feel slightly unsettled,

"I want us to have sex, you know that. I really do want to have a…complete, relationship with you." It was said quietly and Edward was suddenly trying to calm his nerves…he assumed he knew what was coming.

Alphonse would want them to have sex…and Edward would be on the receiving end.

The thought wasn't frightening so much as…embarrassing…

He'd been with men before, both top and bottom…

But this was his younger brother…it felt…for some reason…as if it shouldn't happen that way.

He didn't want to consider how useless his ego was in this particular situation and so he once again found himself resigned,

"…yeah I know that." His throat felt tense.

"And you said that if you could…get an erection…then…we could have sex." Alphonse swallowed nervously again.

Edward frowned, that didn't really make sense if Alphonse wanted to top him…why would it matter?

"Yeah, that's what I said…" he was curious now.

"And you meant it?" Alphonse might as well have been crossing his fingers.

Edward stopped himself from looking irritated,

"Yes, Alphonse." But he didn't quite keep it out of his voice.

He watched Alphonse consider and re-consider what ever had him so distracted all through dinner and then he watched as the younger man shifted so he could take something out of his pocket.

Alphonse settled again, he held something in his closed palm and he was very lightly shaking as he upturned his palm and opened his hand…

Edward felt very anxious very quickly…and awfully confused but he kept his anger at bay,

"What's that?" he tried to sound as calm as possible.

Alphonse dropped his hand, hesitation playing over his features,

"It's Sildenafil."

Edward clenched his jaw slightly before repeating his initial question since the pill's name meant nothing to him.

Alphonse glanced around nervously,

"I-its…i-it's for…" he finally looked back to Edward and the older man didn't like the guilt reflected in Al's eyes, "…it's for erectile dysfunction."

Edward impressed himself for the fact that he didn't feel indignant at those last words…not really anyway.

Here Alphonse was –calmly- implying there was a problem with his genitalia and the only feeling that registered was annoyance,

"I don't have erectile dysfunction." He stated the obvious in a flat tone.

"Not medically…" Alphonse said quietly and Edward felt his anger start to seep to the forefront "…it's psychological…" he stood up, quite certain this conversation was not going to ease his growing anger "…Edward please, I'm not insulting you…!"

He stopped where he was, on his way out of the lounge, he had heard the pleading tone in Alphonse's voice so he turned around and faced his brother's desperate expression with quiet anger,

"I don't have a problem getting erections, you  _know_  that. How is this  **not**  an insult?" he tried not to snap.

"You have a problem getting an erection…for  **me** , Edward. Which makes sense because of our…our circumstances. That's why I say it's psychological and it's my fault. It's because of…it's because of all the times I…" Alphonse looked really uncomfortable saying these things aloud.

Edward felt uncomfortable too…since it made sense. He'd suspected it was psychological as well.

"I…I think I traumatized you. You started to shut down whenever I did something sexual and now that you're actually feeling something for me, you can't get passed the mental block." Alphonse said it quietly but Edward heard every word.

 _'A mental block…'_  he thought anxiously. It made a whole hell of a lot of sense actually.

He'd remembered the pain he felt…when he broke down. An emotional collapse...something had broken.

It couldn't be put back together the way it was but he was definitely better now than he had been that night.

Something was changed, different and…not all bad.

"I thought this would push you passed it, since we're doing so well…and I don't disgust you anymo-…"

Edward narrowed his eyes, despising Alphonse's self-depreciating words,

"You never disgusted me." He clenched his teeth and put his hands on his hips out of habit.

"I love you Edward…" Alphonse's voice was like a soft light, it turned his dark anxiousness into warmth in his chest at the breathlessness of those words, "This is a last resort, after this…if it doesn't work, if you still can't do it naturally, there are no more alternatives…at least we'll have one time." Alphonse's voice was quiet by the end of his words.

Words that voiced Alphonse's desperation to love him…completely.

 _'…at least…_ _ **Alphonse**_ _will have one time.'_  Edward thought as he stared at the fire.

"Where did you get that anyway?" he sighed heavily, his palms felt sweaty, a familiar feeling from not so long ago.

Alphonse avoided answering directly and Edward couldn't really find it in himself to care all that much…the point is Alphonse had the pill and it was intended to…give him an erection?

"So what'll it do?" he looked back to his blushing sibling.

Alphonse explained something he had a vague knowledge of but it still didn't answer his question…he wanted to know…what it'd do right then…

"So I just take that…and what…"

Alphonse again offered an explanation and it was a lot clearer to him now…that if he took that pill then in an hour…he and his younger brother would…be having sex.

Edward felt himself start to shake very lightly, he ran his damp palm over his mouth.

The irony of Alphonse having planned for a night of 'love making' didn't even amuse him.

He couldn't look at Alphonse right then, staring at the fire as his deepest insides panicked at what would be a guaranteed thing in so short a time.

Just that morning he'd never have thought he'd be here now…and this would be real. So real…

That pill was real…what it would do was certain and the only thing that could stop it would be his refusal to take it.

He didn't know how long passed while he mourned internally about the inevitable ending of his brotherly relationship but he was brought out from his lamenting thoughts by Alphonse's resigned voice,

"Don't worry about it Edward, I had no intention of forcing you…"

Edward turned to look at him and frowned at his back, he almost smiled…didn't Alphonse know by now…that he would do anything? He walked forward the few steps it took him to reach his younger brother and he slipped his arm around Alphonse's waist, pulling the other man against him and bringing the hand he held the pill in to their chest level.

He stared at the simple blue pill that would change his life forever…and then he picked it up.

He was tempted to kiss Alphonse's cheek but he didn't, he simply asked –his lips against Al's cheek- for wine to drink the slightly large pill with.

A moment later he held the wine glass, taken from the shaking hands of his brother,

 _'Anything…'_  "…for you, Alphonse." He said the last part aloud and Edward placed it on his tongue before swallowing the pill and then drinking the shot of wine.

He felt it go down his throat –slowly- and he knew it was final now…

_'No turning back.'_

"I hope…I hope this is really what you want, because once we do this…it's done." He sighed, uselessly saying words when he knew it was exactly what Alphonse wanted.

And with tears in his eyes Alphonse once again declared just how much he wanted it.

Edward just stared at him and then frowned when Alphonse said he was going to the bathroom.

He asked why…but he didn't really feel much in the way of interest to the answer…

He took Alphonse's advice instead and walked to the hall…down the hall…to his bedroom door…into his cold room…to his bed…where he sat down and stared at the floor, breathing slowly.

This was it.

It would happen on that bed.

It would happen very soon.

It would happen.

And afterwards…

Edward raised a shaking hand and wiped away a few stray tears from his eyes, the dismal complex emotions that usually accompanied the tears weren't present, these were tears of loss, not pain.

Tonight he would defile his younger brother, he would take something from Alphonse…and it would not be his to take. And he wasn't so sure that when it was over Alphonse would thank him for it.

He wiped away a few more tears with his sleeve and blinked a few times as his eyes burned slightly, he swallowed sorely, he trembled faintly, the room was quiet but his ears were ringing…

"I'm sorry…" he whispered, it was meant for Alphonse though he wouldn't hear it.

The tears stopped falling during the long minutes he waited for Alphonse in the bedroom, it could have been ten minutes, it could have been an hour, it didn't matter to Edward because he wasn't going anywhere, he wasn't getting away.

He jerked when the bathroom door opened down the hall, he hadn't closed his bedroom door and the unobtrusive sound had shattered the ringing silence of the bedroom. He heard the light patting of bare feet on cold tile and his eyes turned to the doorway exactly when Alphonse stepped inside the room.

The younger blonde hesitated to switch the light on, then chose not to since the city lights filtering through the bedroom curtains was sufficient enough.

Edward was more focused on the fact that Alphonse wore only his dark blue bathrobe.

His pale legs were visible from mid-calf to his feet and his chest was visible as far down as his sternum.

 _'He's naked.'_  Edward realized and blinked rapidly as he watched Alphonse close the bedroom door quietly, as if someone were listening for any sounds of their atrocious forthcoming sin.

Once the door was closed and they were alone and cut off from the outside world, they stared at each other.

Alphonse looked a little red in his face as he smiled shyly and walked forward, toward the bed, toward Edward. He stopped about a foot away and Edward continued to stare at his faintly red face, he was still a little thrown by the knowledge that Alphonse came to the bedroom just short of naked...

Edward's gaze shifted from Alphonse's face to the younger man's hand as it slid out from the pocket of his robe…he held a white and black hand size tube. Edward watched him place it on the small side table next to Edward's bed and the older blonde flushed a bright red when he read the bottle label.

Concentrated Silicon Lubricant. Extra Thick. Anal Formula.

He really shouldn't be blushing, he was a grown man and he knew it was a very necessary item for anal sex but still…this was Alphonse…and him and lube. And it was expensive specific lube. His breathing was a little more erratic now and he jerked when Alphonse touched his shoulder.

"Are you okay?" Alphonse looked slightly hurt by his reaction.

Edward rubbed his hand over his mouth, a nervous tick, and then he nodded,

"Y-yeah…just uh…" he frowned back to the lube and then at the floor.

"It's sudden…I know…" Alphonse sighed, "…but if I had told you before dinner, I was worried you would have…"

"Alphonse…" Edward didn't need to hear any of it, it didn't really make a difference  _when_  he found out, he was quite sure he'd feel the same way at any time, like he did right then.

Alphonse seemed to understand his tone because he changed the subject,

"Okay…uh, I was thinking, it's been about twenty five minutes but we don't need to hurry." He was talking very quietly, "I was thinking I'd give you a full body massage, you always feel better and more relaxed after massages."

A hundred things went through Edward's mind but one main thing stuck out to him and he shook his head,

"Y-you need to be relaxed…it's more important than me being relaxed." He glanced at Alphonse and then looked away again.

"I am relaxed…I trust you Edward. That's all the reassurance I need going into this, I know you're not going to hurt me if you can help it." The words were pure, true and said with a smile Edward didn't need to see to know was there.

After a moment Edward nodded,

"Okay…" the word almost didn't make it out of his throat.

"Okay, you want the massage?" Alphonse's tone was genuinely questioning.

Edward blinked as he remembered the offered massage and nodded again, his mind was overrun with many thoughts, many worries and uncertainties…

"Alright…" Alphonse trailed off and Edward remained staring at the floor, "…Edward, do you think you…I mean, do you want to take your clothes off…because, um…" he sounded shy again.

Edward breathed quietly but unevenly as he stood up and realized his legs were a little weak…but he could stand.

He reached back and pulled his shirt up over his head hastily but before he could drop it off his arms Alphonse stood in front of him, close. He smelled good, still like his cologne and Edward took in his soothing facial expression and tried to calm down…Alphonse was taking the shirt off Edward's wrists slowly,

"Let me take your clothes off…it'll be…like uh…like foreplay." Alphonse's voice was so quiet Edward almost didn't hear him.

He heard the word foreplay though and swallowed thickly…he felt Alphonse's finger tips graze the skin above his low pants waist line before the button was opened…and the zipper followed. Feather light brushes of his cool fingers to his skin gave Edward fine goosebumps as Alphonse placed his hands at the sides of the pants and started to push it down.

He didn't know where to put his hands so he just stood with them at his sides as Alphonse shimmied the tight pants down as far as his ankles –having to crouch down- so Edward bent down quickly to help, his head nearly collided with Alphonse's as he pulled the tight ankles of his leather pants over his feet and then dropped the garment on the floor on top of his shirt.

He stood now in only the black boxers he'd worn underneath the pants.

He was almost naked…and Alphonse –he'd stood up again- was directly in front of him only wearing a robe.

They'd been naked before in the shower…but this time it wasn't if's and but's…it was certain.

He didn't know if Alphonse noticed his nervousness about their impending nudity but he was relieved if only for the moment at his next words,

"Lay down on your front…"

Edward kept his boxers on –thankfully for now- and he turned to the bed.

It hadn't been made that morning because Alphonse had left him asleep, so he just pushed the blanket against the wall as he got onto the bed. His insides were shaking slightly and he was incredibly conscious of his state of undress as he lay down on his front against the cold sheet, folding his arms under his chin and staring at the plain off white wall of his bedroom.

It seemed so silent again, even as the new-ish spring mattress creaked very quietly under Alphonse's added weight and despite their audible breathing. Edward didn't have to glance back to know that Alphonse was straddling the back of his thighs, he could feel the soft cotton bathrobe against his skin and he could  _feel_  Alphonse's bottom legs against the sides of his thighs…every fine hair and his warm skin.

He swallowed slowly and closed his eyes right when the weight shifted and he felt Alphonse's cool hands touch his shoulder blades, there was a pause before he felt his long braid being moved off his back…then the massage began. Edward sighed at the easing of newly formed tension in his muscles, over his shoulders, down along his spine…but it seemed to return when Alphonse's hands were massaging down the backs of his thighs.

He felt Alphonse shift slightly higher on his legs, Edward frowned –ignoring the tingling in his toes and fingers from the massage- instead to focus on the fact that Alphonse was hovering over his body on all fours.

Then Edward felt lips…warm and wet press a kiss to the top of his right shoulder, over one of his discolored un-textured scars.

He glanced to his right, shifting his head slightly but he only felt Alphonse's silky blonde fringe tickle his skin as he moved, then a second kiss was placed between his shoulder blades, warm lips slowly trailing downward over his skin. Edward closed his eyes at the -pleasant- sensation of it.

Alphonse's warm lips…kissing along his spine…lower and lower into the curve of his back. Then the kisses moved back upward, accompanied by warm, soft –perfect- hands running up along his sides, then downward, caressing. Alphonse's next wet kiss to the back of his ear was complimented by his slender fingers grazing lightly underneath the waist band of his boxers.

Edward licked his lips, his body heating from the sensual touches…vaguely he wondered how it was that Alphonse was so good at this.

"Can I take your shorts off?" Alphonse whispered with hot breath against his ear.

Edward swallowed uncertainly…just before he became aware of something.

He stared at the white pillow case for a second and then he unfolded his arms and leaned up on his elbows. Alphonse shifted off of him and sat to the side near the wall, Edward rolled onto his back before sitting up and looking at Alphonse…as his heart beat uncontrollably.

They could see each other clearly despite everything being washed in a midnight blue shade.

Alphonse was kneeling on the mattress beside him, slightly flush, the robe was still on him…but as he kneeled with his legs slightly apart Edward could see the smooth, pale skin of his inner thighs.

His heart beat was painful, forceful even…and the thought of wanting to touch that soft sweetly sensitive skin was as plain as day…as was the arousal that accompanied it.

Edward swallowed very thickly, his mouth felt dry and his head was just short of spinning.

He raised his hand, touched it lightly to Alphonse's cheek, brushing his thumb over the warmth on his younger brother's cheek bone. He pulled Alphonse forward slowly and the younger man accommodated him, placing a hand for balance on the mattress and leaning forward.

Edward tasted him, the kiss was short and deep and when he pulled back he looked into his brother's eyes and then trailed his lips to Alphonse's ear, enjoying how the short blonde hairs tickled his nose as his breath disturbed them,

"Alphonse…" Edward closed his eyes, "…its working…I'm getting hard." He said it quietly.

And it was true.

He heard Alphonse's breath hitch for a second and he slowly drew back to look at Alphonse's –newly flush- face,

"Are you sure about this?" he had to ask.

Alphonse was smiling as he nodded and he kissed Edward excitedly, slightly rough at first.

This time as they kissed every single cinder of arousal in Edward went straight to its destination and after a minute of wet, ardent kissing Edward was fully erect.

Alphonse pulled back from the kiss breathing heavily, Edward could almost see the enthusiasm radiating off of him,

"Take your shorts off please…?" he asked breathlessly, his hand sliding over Edward's bare chest and the other one resting against the side of Edward's neck while he kneeled at the older blonde's side.

Edward nodded subtly and held his breath as he lay back down, he pushed his shorts down, lifting the elastic band over his erection and when they were off he dropped them on the floor beside the bed.

He glanced at Alphonse who stared blatantly as his crotch, Edward just frowned and looked over Alphonse as he exhaled quietly, the younger blonde's erection was partially tented against the loose robe.

Again his eyes were drawn to the soft skin between Al's thighs…it was a strong temptation, Edward was surprised when the thought of kissing Alphonse there occurred to him, entirely wrong and alien, it shocked him on the inside.

He did physically start when Alphonse's warm hand wrapped around his erection and he started to stroke it firmly, Edward was leaning back on his elbows and he bit the inside of his lip as his body reacted quickly to the stroking, his knees drawing up slightly.

The sight of Alphonse's hand touching him was just as arousing as a few days ago when it had been his mouth and Edward watched his sex throb in Alphonse's hand at the memory. He chanced a glance at Alphonse but the younger blonde leaned down right then and Edward's breath hitched when Alphonse kissed his chest a few times…and then one of his nipples.

When Alphonse started to softly suckle on it Edward shivered, he throbbed and his breath fell short,

"Alphonse, wait…" he breathed out quietly, feeling a little out of it with so much happening on top of all of his emotional and sexual confusion.

He was scared…this was  **Alphonse, his brother** …and he was terrified about his earlier thought, about the temptation to kiss the skin of his soft smooth inner thighs…did that mean he  _wanted_  Alphonse sexually?

Alphonse removed all contact and Edward sat up quickly, placing his head in his hands, trying to get his breathing under control.

"Are you okay?" Alphonse asked again, voice low and concerned with undertones of desire.

Edward would become annoyed quickly with that question if he kept asking.

 _'Of course I'm_ _ **not**_ _okay! I'm about to fuck my little brother! And I_ _ **want**_ _to touch you…fuck…I shouldn't want to do these things to you, it's wrong, I'm supposed to protect you…Alphonse.'_  Edward yelled in his head what he couldn't say out loud, clenching his teeth and pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes.

Even though he  _knew_  Alphonse wanted it…it all still felt like he'd be taking advantage.

 _'…I just won't do anything he doesn't ask me to.'_  Edward decided to himself and finally removed his hands from his face, he looked to Alphonse next to him –he looked sad and worried.

"It's okay, I'm okay…like you said, it's just sudden." He mumbled, surpsied by the rasp in his voice.

"S-so…we can continue?" Alphonse licked his lips, his eyes reflecting promises of many more things he wanted to do before the night was over.

Bedroom eyes.

Edward swallowed slowly and nodded,

"Y-you…do you want me to do anything?" he asked, he knew he'd have to…prepare- Alphonse eventually, but he also knew that all of his tension couldn't possibly be making Alphonse feel any better and it was important that the younger man be as relaxed as possible.

He  **did not**  want to hurt Alphonse more than was natural.

So…some reciprocated stimulation was now necessary

Alphonse nodded,

"Do you think…you could maybe…" he lowered his eyes, hating to ask, "…could you touch me, maybe kiss me." He was frowning awkwardly.

He knew Alphonse meant on his body and Edward's mind treacherously went back to the skin of Alphonse's inner thighs…such a soft sensitive place…close to other sensitive places.

He glanced down between Alphonse's thighs to the visible skin at the thought, Alphonse misunderstood the look,

"You don't have to go  _there_ …if it's too much for right now. I just meant on my body…" he shifted closer on his knees.

Edward looked back up to him, he hadn't even thought about returning the oral sex he'd received a few days ago…

Edward blinked slowly, his breathing had evened out and his nerves had mostly settled,

"You want foreplay?" he asked quietly.

Alphonse nodded and absently ran his hand back through his hair, untidying it and Edward liked it like that.

Edward had indulged Alphonse in quite a few things over the past weeks and now he would do the same with this request. They were going to have sex, there was no way around it…he might as well make it worth Alphonse's while in case it never happened again.

Edward shifted onto his knees, his erection still completely hard between his legs and he wasn't shy about it anymore, it wasn't anything Alphonse hadn't been up close and personal with.

Alphonse blinked a few times when Edward shifted closer, moving his legs so that one of his knees was between Alphonse's legs, they were kneeling facing each other.

Edward knew foreplay…and if it'd make Alphonse feel good, he would do it well.

He made sure to make eye contact with Alphonse,

"I love you…remember that when this is over." He leaned in and kissed Alphonse gently, his hands easily found the loose knot of Alphonse's robe and Edward pulled it open.

He sucked on Alphonse's tongue slowly as he slid his hands inside the robe and ghosted his rough hands over the soft flawless skin of Alphonse's abdomen and then his sides. Edward used one hand on Alphonse's waist and the other against his mid back to direct the younger to lie down on his back.

He broke the kiss and was very aware of Alphonse's whine of question as he did so. Edward didn't slow his momentum, he kept one leg between Alphonse's legs as he hovered above him on all fours. He used his rough fingers to slide the robe aside and mostly off Alphonse's shoulders…splaying his brother's nudity beneath him in the worst way.

Pale white skin…flushed slightly and shivering in anticipation of what his older brother's hands and mouth could do. Edward kissed his lips first, wet his lips and then kissed his cheek, then his jaw, his throat, his collar bone, his chest, he nipped his teeth softly around a fair brown nipple…Alphonse made a sound Edward appreciated very much and he felt Alphonse's hands reach up to touch his sides.

He placed one hand flat against Alphonse's quivering abdomen as he licked and lightly sucked on the same nipple…Alphonse made that noise again, a few times, a quiet breathy gasping sound.

Edward slid his hand slowly over the younger blonde's lean muscled abs, his index finger slipped into Alphonse's shallow navel as his hand skimmed downward and finally Edward felt his fingers reach the start of curls between his younger brother's legs.

Similar to the first time he'd touched Alphonse in that place, the hair all over his body stood on end but he didn't stop his actions this time. He trailed his wet kisses lower, moving himself down as he went, feeling the soft skin of Alphonse's tummy quivering under his lips as he slid his fingers through the loose soft curls until his fingers found the base of Alphonse's sex.

Alphonse raised his hips, pushing himself into Edward's hand as he wrapped his fingers around it and Edward pushed himself up so he was kneeling upright, he started a slow rhythm with his hand along Alphonse's cock before leaning down again, he kissed Alphonse's inner hip…at this point Alphonse moaned properly and his fingertips grazed Edward's shoulders.

Edward blushed slightly when Alphonse throbbed in his hand and the younger man's legs parted, making him sit up. Being lower on the bed allowed Alphonse to pull the leg between Edward's free and Edward found himself quite literally between his younger brother's naked legs.

Alphonse's inner thigh rested against his side where he knelt…he'd stopped moving his hand, he could see everything, his brother's body was totally exposed to him.

Alphonse was naked, spread-eagled…and perfect.

From the smooth white skin all over his body to the pink flesh around his anus.

"Edward…" Alphonse's voice was breathy and his tone uncertain, "…is it…I mean…" Edward tore his eyes away from Alphonse's private area to see the self-conscious expression on the younger blonde's face.

Alphonse was still lightly quivering, Edward noticed when he released Al's sex and slowly smoothed his hand over his stomach, he didn't answer…because what could he say?

"Edward…" Alphonse said in a soft worried tone when Edward didn't answer, "…do you enjoy touching me, I mean, it's not…gross for you is it?"

Edward looked up from Alphonse's quivering stomach beneath his hand, straight into his worried face,

"You're not gross…in fact you're…" Edward blushed, "…your…kind of…beautiful." Edward said it quietly, he didn't mind telling Alphonse he was stunning, even if he should never be seeing it like this.

Alphonse blushed too,

"Oh…" he sounded extremely self-conscious now.

Edward continued after some silence and trailed both his hands down over Alphonse's hips, along his thighs and since he was between them the temptation was twice as much, he let his rough –undeserving- hands run over the smooth naked inner skin, Alphonse shivered.

Alphonse sat up and Edward looked up from the trembling legs either side of him right when Alphonse kissed him, one hand on his shoulder and the other –Edward's breath hitched- found his sex and started to stroke it again, firmly.

Edward didn't know if it was the drug or Alphonse that was making him so hard…but it didn't really make a difference. Alphonse's strokes were steady and Edward frowned deeply as the pleasure of it caught up with him, clouding his mind…essentially turning him on, just the way Alphonse wanted.

He moved his hands inside and under Alphonse's thighs more firmly –the idea of bruising the soft skin kept him from groping- but he indulged himself with what he could.

He broke the kiss and Alphonse started to kiss his neck.

Brothers…naked and together as they were…Edward couldn't have been more turned on.

He looked at the tube on the bedside table as Alphonse kissed his collar bone and squeezed his sex lightly as he stroked, he quickly leaned over to reach it, not entirely sure whether he was eager to get started or eager to get it over with.

His body and mind both wanted something but whatever it was, it was too indiscernible in his current state.

When he leaned over, Alphonse stopped stroking him, Ed picked up the tube and leaned back, he looked at Alphonse as he kneeled between his legs,

"You're sure yo-…"

"Please stop asking…" Alphonse frowned.

Edward's sex throbbed when Alphonse used his own waist as leverage to pull himself forward, wrapping his legs around Edward's waist to do so and then his arms around his back once he was close enough…Alphonse continued to kiss his chest, moving his lips up to his adam's apple,

"Edward, I want to have…uh…" Alphonse stilled his kisses, "…to make…uh…" Edward felt the hands on his back slide downward sensually, "…be with me Edward, please."

Edward could have laughed at Alphonse's chosen time to be shy about his words but he understood, 'have sex' was too impersonal and 'make love' was too rehearsed.

He took a breath as Alphonse boldly let his hands slide lower, somewhat resting on his buttocks.

Their skin was so close, their mouths had touched places and their hands had as well…

There was no longer any reason to find excuses,

"Okay."

He gently directed Alphonse to lie back down, kissing his lips a few times until the younger man was flat on the sheet, Edward popped the cap of the lube open.

"You don't have to do that…" Alphonse leaned back up on his elbows.

Edward hands were slightly unsteady as he was about to squeeze some of the lube onto his fingers, he looked at Alphonse with a frown,

"W-what…of course I have to or you'll get hurt."

Alphonse blushed, Edward frowned deeper when the younger sat up,

"No…I…" he took the tube from Edward, "…I already did that…in the bathroom." He sounded embarrassed.

Edward blinked and then he frowned sadly,

"Oh…why, did you think I wouldn't do that for you…Alphonse I'd never-…"

"No, it's not that, I just didn't want you to have too much to worry about Edward, I know this is hard for you." his warm hand touched Ed's cheek lightly.

Edward sighed, he felt awful about that…preparation was usually a large part of foreplay…it was also something a lover was supposed to do,

"…I would have done it for you." He mumbled.

"I know…" Alphonse said back quietly.

"Are you sure it's okay…you'll be hurt if-…"

"I'm sure it's fine…" Alphonse sounded impatient.

Edward worried…if Alphonse had rushed his preparation he'd be hurt.

"Can we continue now…Edward I want you." He used that bedroom tone Edward had only heard twice before while he reached his hand down and very gently rubbed Edward's balls.

The older man was blushing and quite frankly stunned by Alphonse's boldness…

He nodded in response but was surprised when Alphonse kissed his ear and whispered a request for him to lie down.

"Why?" he asked, feeling slightly confused.

Alphonse was blushing as Edward hesitantly lay on his back and he straddled him again, higher up this time and Edward shivered with both arousal and a certain amount of anxiousness when their sex's brushed together.

Alphonse moved his hips so they rubbed against one another a few more times, Edward swallowed nervously, his head was spinning but he was really fucking turned on.

"The book says for the first time…this position gives the…uh, passive partner more control. You don't mind do you?" Alphonse's breaths were short and he was leaning down and kissing Edward's neck as he moved his hips so they rubbed together.

Edward closed his eyes, breathing unevenly to the tinges of pleasure he felt and frowned,

"I…don't mind…I just…" he placed his shaken hands on Alphonse's thighs, "…I just disagree."

Alphonse looked down at him with a frown,

"…you've done this before…?" he asked quietly.

Edward opened his eyes and felt bad, even though he had no reason to,

"Y-eah I have…"

Alphonse frowned sadly,

"I knew it."

There was nothing Edward could do about the past so he ignored it,

"I don't want you to get hurt…" he said quietly, honestly.

Alphonse shook his head,

"I'll be fine…"

Edward was both worried and irritated at Alphonse's stubbornness but his attention refocused when Alphonse squeezed a generous amount of the colorless lube into his palm and started stroking Edward's sex again, spreading the cool gel like substance. Edward squeezed Alphonse's thighs at the quick strokes his younger brother made, it felt really good…

After a short duration of quick stroking Alphonse got up on his knees and he shifted forward so his legs were along Edward's sides and hips, he was blushing as he reached back and took a hold of Edward's cock.

Edward couldn't see what Alphonse was doing because the younger blonde had his head down to see himself.

It was too uncoordinated and careless.

Edward didn't like this…

For all the reasons it shouldn't be happening but worse because Alphonse would get hurt.

He couldn't let Alphonse hurt himself…

Edward sat up quickly and used the momentum to roll them over so Alphonse was on his back.

Alphonse didn't protest right away, he flushed red and seemed to find the firm movement and the suddenness of it appealing.

Edward let his sexual instinct take over…he was lying between Alphonse's spread legs, a perfect body beneath his own begging to be had. He leaned up on his arms either side of Alphonse and partially on his knees so he could rub their cocks together more firmly, effectively silencing Alphonse as the younger blonde pursed his lips and rolled his hips upward into the motion.

Alphonse's thighs were warm and soft around his waist, his sex hard and weeping against his own and when he pressed kisses to his younger brother's neck he felt a fast pulse beneath his lips…Alphonse's heart was racing. How he loved that heartbeat…

He looked down at Alphonse and he looked up at Edward,

"I won't let this hurt you…it might only be this once." Edward said quietly and he pushed himself up, kneeling again between Alphonse's legs.

He picked the lube up from their previous spot and squeezed the gel onto his hand, spreading more of it over his erection, all the way down to the base. Edward realized that he was sweating slightly, he could feel his bangs clinging to his face and his braid felt itchy along his back.

He glanced at Alphonse and saw the love and lust he'd become familiar with reflected in his green eyes.

Edward squeezed more lube onto his fingers and even as his hair stood all over his body once again, he rubbed his fingers between Alphonse's legs, over his anus and –since Alphonse said he'd done preparation- Edward slipped his middle lubed up finger into him without warning.

Edward exhaled sharply when his cock throbbed and he frowned sadly,  _'…I shouldn't be enjoying this.'_

He watched Alphonse turn the brightest red, his legs started to shake and Edward heard his name fall from Alphonse's lips as he lay back down. Edward wondered if he was finally realizing that they shouldn't be touching each other like this…but Alphonse said nothing to stop him, he just trembled and blushed.

Edward added a second finger and Alphonse tensed around him…it was soft and tight and he was trying not to notice how perfectly silken and slick it felt inside, Alphonse hadn't done a bad job.

 _'I shouldn't want this…'_  he clenched his teeth, still he couldn't deny that a part of him did.

He took a minute to work his fingers in and out, twisting, scissoring…trying not to look at what he was doing because it both aroused and upset him but still he was aware of the feeling of Alphonse's virginal perfection around his fingers. Alphonse was still shaking and had his hands covering his face, Edward watched him for any sign that he should stop…that they would not do this.

But nothing was forthcoming and so he added a third finger meeting some resistance, he watched – with much sordid arousal and a shamed frown- as Alphonse's tender anus stretched over his fingers and tightened…

Alphonse stiffened and his legs closed slightly against Edward…but he said nothing.

Edward slipped his fingers out –Alphonse made a soft sound- he added more lubrication –enough was not enough to keep Alphonse from hurting- and then he reinserted three fingers…

…and gave into his temptation to kiss the insides of Alphonse's thighs. Guiltily Edward kissed…and even sucked the soft flesh, he loved the texture against his mouth but he also did it because Alphonse trembled and he was breathing heavily, licking his lips and making soft 'mm' noises.

After a minute Alphonse's muscles were relaxed enough so his fingers moved easily in and out, he removed his fingers, added just a dollop more lube to his erection and then wiped his hands off on the sheets. He leaned over Alphonse again so their faces were level, using his legs as he moved upward a bit to raise Alphonse's lower half off the bed so it was partially in his lap.

Everything…every feeling…every kiss and touch was so wrong…but he  _wanted_ it and he detested himself for it.

"Alphonse…if you want me to stop…" Edward's voice cracked with emotion, "…please say so now…before it's too late." He waited for Alphonse to move his shaking hands from his wet eyes.

Edward's eyes widened, seeing the wetness of tears,

"Alphonse I'm sorry, I shouldn't ha-…"

"Edward." Alphonse said it softly but it silenced him, "I just wasn't expecting you to do that for me, I'm fine, just…kind of emotional." He brushed Edward's bangs behind his ears from where they hung over his face.

Edward nodded, he knew what Alphonse meant since his own emotions were all fucked up,

"…then…you're ready?"

Alphonse nodded quickly.

Right at that moment where he leaned on his elbow beside Alphonse's head and their breaths mingled, his younger brother open eyed and fully trusting, his body exposed, legs wrapped lightly around his waist, insides slicked and ready…

…Edward could suddenly taste the sickness in the air, nothing moved, there were no noises, their breathing was short and stressed, their heart beats rapid, their skin hot but their sweat cold…

Alphonse raised his legs to spread himself wider and ran his hands down Edward's sides, the older man rubbed the head of his sex against the warm waiting pucker of flesh between his younger brother's legs.

He knew he should stop.

They should both stop.

Still, he pressed forward and Alphonse's body took him in.

Edward met little resistance against the relaxed rings of muscle and because of the lube, after just a few seconds of slow easing, he felt himself slip more than half way in…

…he was inside of Alphonse.

His hair stood sharply all over his skin and Alphonse broke out in goose bumps as well…right before he made a choked sob and Edward's heart felt constricted.

Would Alphonse regret it now that they were finally connected like this?

Alphonse was sinfully tight and so hot inside…Edward bit his lip as he stared down at Alphonse's frown.

He wondered if their roles were reversed…because some part of him wanted it now and Alphonse might have changed his mind?

"A-alphonse…are you okay?" he managed to ask through his lightheadedness, he was slipping deeper slowly…deeper inside of Alphonse…it felt amazing.

Alphonse was breathing open mouthed and he opened his eyes before he nodded, swallowing thickly,

"Yeah…" he breathed.

"Does it hurt really badly?" Edward licked his lips slowly.

Alphonse shook his head,

"N-no…it's okay now…" he sounded a little different.

Hoarse…unsure.

Edward felt regret start to assault his insides.

If Alphonse didn't want it anymore he needed to say so.

"Alphonse…must I stop?"  _'…do I want to stop?'_  he could have cried, it hurt to feel this way.

Alphonse shook his head,

"No…" he smiled and Edward's stomach fluttered, "…Edward, don't stop. There's no pain now…I swear."

Edward nodded, not entirely convinced…he took a moment and then pushed his hips forward…slipping himself fully inside. He exhaled a deep pleasured breath against Alphonse's parted lips and a moment later they were kissing.

There was a tainted feeling that settled within Edward when he was inside of his own brother…but he couldn't place it. It was both overwhelmingly wonderful and sickly painful, leaving his body tingling with pleasure and his insides shaken and hurting.

Pleasurable because it was fucking beautiful but painful and sick because it was forbidden to touch.

Like that story…about the guy who flew too close to the sun.

The sun was beautiful and awe inspiring just for its existence.

But it was not to be touched by man.

Alphonse was like his own personal sun, he was always meant to have Alphonse to love and adore but he was never meant to be this close, he was never meant to touch him like this.

But there was no turning back.

Edward rolled his hips backwards as he pulled out -very pleasurable sensations assaulted his nerves- and then he pressed forward, wet, throbbing and welcomed by silken constriction as Alphonse moaned quietly for him – something touched deep inside of him causing him to shake and clutch Edward's back tightly.

"Edward…" Alphonse said after licking his lips, so close to Edward's lips he felt the moisture.

He started moving at a steady medium paced, deep momentum, closing his eyes at certain points where it felt too good to be right. Alphonse's eyes were closed for longer periods of times, his quiet pleasured sounds of 'ah' punctuated in the silence every time Edward thrust deeply into him, their skin slapping lightly together.

Obscene…

No one could see them but Edward felt filthy and exposed…yet somehow he fit perfectly right where he was.

Alphonse's blunt finger nails dug into his back, his thighs were damp with sweat and they slid against his sides as Alphonse raised his legs, spreading himself as much as possible…and Edward only slipped deeper.

It was heaven.

Alphonse's tongue against his own when they kissed, tasting sweat on Alphonse's neck, listening to his varying volumes and lengths of moans as his body was overwhelmed with pleasure from deep within, Alphonse's sex pressed between them…Edward could smell sex on Alphonse's skin…

…and he felt sick…because he felt  **possessive**.

He started to thrust faster and harder as his body keened with pleasure, putting his leg muscles to good use as he worked himself deeply into Alphonse's body…a body he created but he knew did not belong to him. Alphonse's moans pitched higher and his name was once again lost somewhere in the sounds.

Edward had his eyes closed tightly, forehead to forehead with Alphonse, he was frowning deeply as sick feelings mixed with intense pleasure,

"…ah…Edward…aah…" Alphonse's damp, shaking hands were gripping tightly to his upper arms as he leaned his forearms either side of the younger's head and kept a steady, fast rhythm, "…Ed…Edward…" he heard a note of question in the younger's tone.

So he slowed his thrusting, realizing Alphonse was actually talking to him, he opened his eyes half way and rolled his hips slowly, Alphonse was slick and pliant around his cock, having adjusted to his girth he moved easily almost completely out and then back in,

"Y-you okay, what's wrong?" he asked quietly as he adjusted his weight.

Alphonse looked ridiculously sexy, his hair damp and untidy, lips red, cheeks flushed and eyes half lidded,

"You…" he closed his eyes and breathed out quietly as Edward pressed deeply, slowly into him, then he swallowed and Edward stilled for a moment to let him talk, "…are you…does it feel good for you? You're so quiet…you look…you look upset …" he was trying to catch his breath, his legs squeezing Edward tightly, close between his warm thighs.

Edward nodded slowly,

"It does, it feels really good…" his breath shuddered when Alphonse leaned up to kiss and lick the hollow at the base of his throat, "…are you okay?" he sighed afterward.

Alphonse kissed his chin next and Edward leaned down to kiss his lips briefly,

"It feels incredible, better than my fantasies, I'm so…I'm really sad…that we might never do it again…" he frowned and kissed Edward again, "You feel so good this close to me, inside of me like this…"

His words were honest and desperate, Edward was also feeling intensely emotional,

"Alphonse…I…" he swallowed sorely, telling a sick and beautiful truth to his younger brother, "…it feels fucking incredible inside of you. You're…you're fucking perfect…" he closed his eyes and pressed kisses, light and sweet to Alphonse's damp forehead and cheeks.

"If I'm perfect…it's only because you saw me that way…and made me that way…Edward, I love you." Alphonse's voice wavered with emotion and he leaned up and kissed Edward's neck.

"I love you too…Alphonse…fuck, I shouldn't be doing this to you…" Edward said around a painful breath stuck in his throat.

"Please don't say that…" Alphonse frowned, his hands suddenly on Ed's face pushing his damp bangs back where they'd fallen forward, "…please…please Edward, don't regret this." He sounded desperate again, he squeezed Edward between his thighs and his insides tensed slightly around the older man.

Asking him to continue.

Edward nodded but didn't know if he could promise that to Alphonse, he started to move again and Alphonse's breath immediately hitched.

Edward quickly returned to his pace, the bedroom was filled with gasps, inarticulate moans and words, the sound of their skin connecting and faint creaking of the spring mattress under their weight.

They kissed wet and fervent, Edward's teeth left little red marks on pure pale flesh he had no right to be kissing, Alphonse's nails –blunt but strong- raked fine red lines down his back and over his buttocks.

He'd learned – and by his unintentional genius memorized- Alphonse's spot deep inside, found the right angle for his hips and proceeded to relentlessly fuck his younger brother into a pleasured oblivion to the point where Alphonse's moans were no longer all that quiet and he looked somewhere between pleasure and pain as he writhed beneath Edward to keep up.

Edward –thrusting fast and quick- lost himself in the depth, the feeling, the taste, the sounds…the sound of his name breathed out hot against his mouth, neck and ears. Alphonse clung to him, uncoordinatedly thrusting his hips downward to meet Ed's inward movements while one of his hands urgently stroked his own cock between them and even though Ed's legs cramped from the effort, he didn't relent.

For some reason, he felt so close to orgasm but it felt like an effort to reach it.

He had his tongue down Alphonse's throat when it happened for the younger blonde, a sweat damp hand slid over his back seeking desperately to take hold of something, Alphonse's quivering thighs clenched firm and muscled against his sides, he moaned deeply into Edward's mouth and arched up slightly, his hand slowing its movements between them…

…and Edward felt his rectum tense, spasm and pull his cock deep inside as that particular thrust he'd made sent Alphonse over the edge. Edward felt stickiness between them but it wasn't a lot since Alphonse had been mainly stimulated inwardly.

Alphonse shivered so violently, arched his back, his insides clenching so tightly and he moaned so deeply Edward was sure he'd come too because his body was so close…but he didn't.

They parted from the kiss and Alphonse breathed deeply, inhaling and exhaling quick and short as though he couldn't get enough air into his lungs.

He looked gorgeous.

Edward felt possessive.

"Ahmm, Edward…" Alphonse opened his eyes and he pulled Edward down, kissing him again sloppily.

When they parted mouths Alphonse was still shaking and trying to catch his breath…

Edward was still hard, still deep inside of Alphonse…and unsatisfied.

He didn't know what to do…this had been for Alphonse…not for himself.

He'd feel filthy to ask…

He closed his eyes and gave into his weakness.

Edward kissed Alphonse's shoulder and frowned at the heat still intense and coiled in his loins, his body was shaking under the strain,

"Al-alphonse…" he felt so pathetic and weak.

"Yeah?" Alphonse asked quietly, his hands sliding slowly over Edward's back.

"…I need to…" Edward decided there was no nice way to say it so he raised his head from Alphonse's shoulder and looked down into his face, "…I'm sorry, I need to cum…I need to…please…" he felt like the lowest of the low.

Alphonse looked startled and he blushed,

"I-I thought you did…"

Edward frowned and shook his head,

"Really…" he shifted his hips to emphasize that he was still fully hard inside of Alphonse.

Alphonse bit his lip at the movement and exhaled quietly,

"The drug…" he started to say but then shook his head and kissed Edward's lips lightly, "…I'm sorry, please f-finish, I want you to, you don't have to ask me." His voice was soft and if Edward hadn't been lacking blood in his brain he might have noticed.

Edward kissed Alphonse's red lips lightly,

"I'll always ask…" he said quietly.

Edward's legs cramped from that position so he pushed himself up, slipping from Alphonse's body as he did so, he kneeled upright as he raised Alphonse's legs.

He shouldn't be doing this…he knew it…

It had ended, he should stop right then…

Still, he raised his brother's legs and held them apart in the air by his ankles before he re-entered his body and then he started to thrust, quick and hard, determinately…to finish…to get it over with.

Alphonse never ceased to stun him, Edward watched him from that position and even as he did this, even as he fucked his own brother to gain selfish pleasure, Alphonse's eyes were expressive of his love.

He was making those noises again, only louder and frowning deeply, hands clutching the sweat damp sheet to still his body as Edward thrust into him.

He knew Alphonse's body was probably still teeming with sensation from his orgasm now added to the stimulation Edward caused…and those details coupled with the sight of Alphonse spread out that way for him was enough to bring him to a fast, powerful climax minutes later.

It was as intense as it had been before with Alphonse, every fiber of his being both wanted and rejected it…

…but the feeling of pressing himself deeply into Alphonse as he came was unlike any other and the emotions that accompanied it made his breathing uneven and his head feel light.

He tipped forward of his own volition, landing with hands pressed into the mattress at Alphonse's sides, swallowing slowly as his orgasm flooded and overwhelmed his senses for all of a few seconds, everything seemed noisy and warm and everywhere his skin was connected to Alphonse's hummed with blissful sensation.

But…when it was over…it was over.

And then it was just exhaustion, sweat, body fluids…

…and brothers.

His focus returned to Alphonse and they stared at each other, the younger blonde was flushed a new from the stimulation but he didn't look like he was ready to do it again…and Edward knew he didn't look like he wanted to do it again either.

They both looked disconcerted.

Slowly, Edward moved over to his side and Alphonse self-consciously closed his legs.

They lay side by side for a while, Edward on his front with his face pressed into his pillow and Alphonse stayed on his back, both naked, damp with sweat and their skin cold.

The room was ringing with silence again and Edward was counting Alphonse's shallow breaths.

He felt scared and cold.

 _'…I fucked my own brother. I…enjoyed it, I did that to him…I'm fucking sick…'_  he found his thoughts repeating along those lines for several long minutes as they lay there in the silent and dark of the bedroom.

He wondered – as he became cold enough that he craved the warmth of blankets- if Alphonse was asleep.

Edward sat up slowly, his skin felt clammy and his legs cramped, his untidy damp bangs hung in his face, he turned hesitantly to look at Alphonse…

…he was awake, laying and staring at the wall blankly, his legs pressed together.

Edward's stomach felt sore, he felt like something was very wrong.

Alphonse should be happy…not…looking like that. This is what he'd wanted.

"Alphonse…" he said quietly, his head was starting to hurt and he was starting to shake.

Alphonse turned his head to look at him, eyes half lidded but not very bright,

"Edward…" he half whispered.

The older blonde pushed his bangs back from his face and sniffed as tears made their way to his eyes,

"…you don't look happy…" his voice was a soft croak, he took a short breath as tears slipped from his eyes and he brought his knees up, placing his elbows on them and his head in his hands.

Alphonse frowned and sat up as well, they were close enough to each other in the single bed that Alphonse could just lean over and he kissed Edward's shoulder with dry lips.

Edward looked at him, searched his eyes desperately, wanting to know what he was thinking.

Alphonse's eyes revealed nothing to him.

He hadn't wanted Edward to regret it…and the older blonde felt no regret, only loss.

But he wondered if Alphonse regretted it.

_'Why isn't he happy?'_

They'd shared their bodies with each other…too close to one another, far too close.

They'd committed incest.

He'd never been one to cry…but when Alphonse was involved he wasn't able to help it, tears started to flow freely from his dull gold eyes and he saw tears leave Alphonse's eyes too, a duller shade of green.

They were both crying quietly after a while, not touching each other, just sitting side by side and crying.

But eventually when they cold became so bad they were shivering, they lay down.

Edward held Alphonse to him and they slowly fell into an unsettled sleep beneath a clean blanket but lying atop a stained sheet.

Naked.

Just like in his dream.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- I had to include most of the original dialogue in the sex scene despite the change of POV to avoid confusion for readers, I apologise if it seems repetitive.
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong Panic Channel

 

__

_Space_

  
_Seems like it 's organized_  
_Against me_  
_But I, victim of gravity_  
_Can fly_  
_When you lie next to me_

  
_I can't be superman_  
_But I_  
_I'll do the best I can_  
_For_  
_Each other we seem to be_  
_Made_  
_When you lie next to me_

  
_And when we're tired_  
_We drift_  
_Away to sleep_  
_And you're the dream_  
_That's worth remembering_

  
_I feel so strong_  
_I feel so safe_  
_When you lie next to me_

* * *

Alphonse thought he'd be more confident…

…especially since it was his own body he was dealing with but as he stood now, looking at his red faced reflection, he didn't feel all that confident. It was one thing to know what to do theoretically but an entirely different thing to actually apply that knowledge. He felt awkward already and he was by himself…what would it be like being completely naked and exposed  _this_  way to Edward. A large part of him was self-conscious about whether he'd be appealing to Edward on any level, it was one thing to kiss and touch over clothes but when it came down to the sex and  _what_  would have to go  _where_ …it made him worry because he knew the Sildenafil would only work if Edward actually became aroused…

…he was worried that once they were naked and Edward actually…saw him…completely…then the older man wouldn't be able to go through with it.

Alphonse didn't necessarily think he was unattractive, he just didn't know what was considered 'attractive' with regards to…that specific area of his body.

Then there was the ever present fact that they were brothers and the last time there'd been complete nudity Edward had been so uncomfortable an erection wouldn't have been possible even if he had had any sort of inclination to have one…and this time it might be exactly the same scenario.

Alphonse could feel his positivity and confidence waning further…he remembered the slightly lost look on Edward's face right before he'd left the lounge earlier.

 _'Even though he's agreed to do this, I still feel like I'm forcing him…'_  he sighed and dropped his eyes from his reflection to the lube on his index and middle fingers. He still hadn't moved…he was still red faced and completely embarrassed about doing what he had to…to himself.

Which was ridiculous because he intended to have anal sex…yet he was blushing about using his fingers.

He blushed just a bit darker when he thought about Edward doing it for him, somehow that thought turned him on, but doing it to himself was weird. He huffed and walked over to the toilet with weak knees,

"…it's the same as masturbating, it's just a different part of my body." He said quietly to himself, hesitated for a second and then raised one leg so his foot was on the closed toilet lid and his legs were parted.

Alphonse stood for a long time blushing and staring at the wall tiles, lubed fingers pressed together and held in the air, he didn't want to look around in case he glanced his stupid blushing reflection again,

"I'm being so childish about this…" he swallowed thickly.

He shook his head, trying to clear his negativity, he focused on what the book said, that it was best if he was lying down, knees to his chest…when anally masturbating.

He glanced at the empty dry bathtub, the shower curtain was still pulled back as he'd left it earlier. He pictured himself laying in the bath and doing it and he cringed. It just felt too embarrassing. What if Edward walked in to check on him?

Alphonse dropped his leg and rushed to the door, locking it quietly with a frown and a small exhale.

He placed his clean hand to his hot forehead, he was so tired of blushing,

"This is stupid…I shouldn't be weird about this." He scolded himself with a frown and walked back to the toilet, picking the opened lube container up off the counter as he went. He squeezed more of the lube onto his fingers and used his thumb to spread it around then he raised his leg again and took a deep –steady- breath.

Alphonse's face only got hotter as he started to rub his fingers over his anus but he didn't let it stop him and instead turned his thoughts to Edward, like in his fantasies and he found that just like regular masturbation, thinking of Edward made it feel better and less embarrassing.

But still, he didn't touch his slightly hardened sex, he wasn't supposed to be getting himself off, he was in there to get ready for Edward.

He smiled to himself at the thought, feeling that warm bubble of excitement and butterflies in his stomach at the thought of finally  _being_  with Edward. He was getting impatient and decided he was reasonably relaxed after a minute, so he felt more confident and started to slowly insert a finger into himself.

And it felt weird as hell as he did so.

He made a strange face for a moment as he let the odd feeling pass and then he started to move his index finger in and out of himself –still feeling awkward and weird- but it was when he very slightly and unintentionally bent his finger that he thought he'd piss himself.

Alphonse stopped moving his finger and swallowed very slowly, trying to refocus after the intense feeling passed.

What lingered of the strange shock to his body was…pleasure…

And so he did it again and this time he was prepared for it and it felt  _really_  good, really intense and a little stifling, but really good. It was different than how he felt when he masturbated regularly, usually the pleasure was gradual, this was a flash of pleasure with every touch and it made him fully hard very quickly.

He didn't let himself get too caught up though, especially since he was even more eager to get to Edward, he added a second finger after a short while and then grimaced because it hurt. After another minute he figured he was fine because it wasn't hurting anymore, so he removed his fingers –ever blushing- and dropped his leg.

He went quickly to the basin to wash his hands and glanced at himself in the mirror again.

Under the white bathroom light his naked skin looked really pasty in complexion, it made him even more self-conscious. Edward had always had a natural glow to his fair complexion, especially when he used to be tanned by the sun during their questing days…Alphonse only hoped he didn't find his plain white skin unattractive.

He stared at his nudity, thinking of Edward's possible reaction and after a minute he started to feel uncomfortable…

But it was just because he felt guilty, Edward was waiting for him…to have sex with him…probably against his will emotionally if not physically and it was all because he'd planned it this way.

Alphonse looked away from his reflection, noticing the chill in the air now and turned to take his bathrobe off the silver hooks behind the door, he'd put all of his clothes into the wash basket. As he pulled his robe on he considered what was about to happen, thinking again of how often he'd fantasized about this…and now it was a reality.

He'd expected to feel nervous but…he wasn't, he wasn't even shaking.

He was just concerned about what would be going through Edward's mind the entire time.

Alphonse was looking forward to it…soon they'd finally be together just like he'd been wanting for so long and it was actually a little frightening at the physical yearning he felt right then.

Once again Alphonse was struck silent and red in the face by the realization of just how badly he wanted this, just how intensely he needed Ed and wanted to share this intimate closeness…he loved Edward.

He loved him as a brother first, however strange it was after everything they'd done.

But he also loved him as Edward Elric, the man…one hell of a man. He loved everything about him, from his irrational, rude insensitivity to the side no one knew, regretful of his mistakes, his humble, soft side, his protective side. Edward had always been emotionally complex and yet simple to please if you knew how to.

He always demanded attention as the Fullmetal Alchemist but when no one was around Edward was happiest, content to be ignored where no one could see him.

He always seemed angry…but it was just the way he conveyed how he felt because that's just the way he was.

But Alphonse knew the different sides of Edward…and from their new experiences together he'd learned things about his brother he hadn't known…

Edward had always been straight forward, in your face and confident, Alphonse loved his confidence…which he recently started to define as sexiness but Edward had a vulnerable side…

…and Alphonse knew now that it was himself that was his older brother's weakness.

He'd always know Edward loved him but he only recently learned just how much…and it only made him love the older blonde more.

He loved Edward inside and out. He loved his brilliant mind and permanent physical scars, his well-disguised humility and his natural ability to be an asshole, his secret self-loathing inner demons and the shark like grin of white teeth he hid it behind so well.

His long blonde hair...

His golden eyes…

His pointy nose…

The definition of his jaw line…

His long thin fingers and scarred knuckles…

Every inch of his lean muscularly sculpted body…

Even his automail, as much a part of who Edward was as his heart…

And as he recently discovered, however dirty a thought it was, he loved his brother's cock.

Alphonse was a bright shade of red by the time he'd thought again of his oral sex experience with Edward. He wanted so badly for the night to go well, he was eager…he quickly turned around and snatched the unopened tube of lubricant off the bathroom counter and then he finally opened the bathroom door, stepping out into the eerie silence of the apartment. The orange glow from the fire was the only light besides the bathroom light, which he switched off before he closed the door and walked down the hall.

He was beyond caring about anyone who couldn't see them and wouldn't understand.

He knew it would be a hard secret to keep but if keeping it meant he could stay this way with Edward he would take it to his grave.

He reached Edward's bedroom door with a rapid heartbeat and butterflies in his stomach, it wasn't closed so he stepped inside, pushing the door in a bit more and glancing at Edward sitting on the bed. Alphonse met his gaze for second through the dark, he turned away to look at the light switch wondering if he should switch the light on but when he remembered how pale he looked under the artifical light he decided not to. He turned and closed the door quietly, intent to keep CookieBoots from wandering in at some point…and disturbing them.

He turned back to face Edward and saw the older man staring at him, looking very apologetic. Alphonse didn't like that look, he didn't want Edward to be sorry, there was nothing to be sorry about.

He didn't let it get to him right then, he supposed it was understandable, at the very least he knew this was very difficult for Edward, he knew the other man would rather they  _never_ did this, even if he was agreeing to it. And even though the thought brought some anxiety to Alphonse and unrest in his stomach, he wasn't going to turn down what may very well be the one and only time he ever got to be with Edward this way.

He walked toward Edward and noticed how the older man looked at him from head to toe, it wasn't a look of lust or want like Alphonse would like to see, it was just an observant look which left Edward looking a little startled, though he wasn't sure why.

He stopped about a foot away, thinking it was probably better not to crowd Edward straight away even though he was anxious and keen to kiss and touch Edward for some reassurance that this was really going to happen. He held back his urges and slipped his hands into his robe pockets while Edward stared up at his face as if he were looking for something.

Alphonse hated to think Edward was hoping that he would change his mind…

He settled his hand around the tube of lubricant in his pocket and hesitated to take it out, remembering what he'd been doing in the bathroom, but he quickly moved passed it and slipped it out of his pocket.

He leaned over and placed it on Edward's beside table, the sound of the plastic tube touching the wood seemed louder in the silence and Edward's golden eyes widened when he saw what it was, his cheeks heating quickly.

Alphonse almost smiled, seeing Edward get a little bashful despite also being a mature adult made him feel less childish. They were obviously both feeling the awkwardness, although Alphonse knew it was for different reasons. He was awkward because he wasn't as sexually confident as he acted…Edward just looked uncomfortable.

He reached out and touched his older brother's shoulder lightly…and Edward jerked at the touch. Alphonse felt his insides twist just slightly, with guilt and sadness. If Edward was flinching at his touch already…the night ahead didn't look like it would be too great…

 _'…no, he said he would, he promised. He's just…he's just nervous…'_  Alphonse tried to remain positive because he wanted this badly enough to taste it,

"Are you okay?" he tried to keep his voice light.

Edward shifted nervously and glanced at him and then at the lube, mumbling unconvincingly that he was fine, so obviously uncomfortable Alphonse couldn't help cringing inwardly.

He made an attempt at an apology,

"It's sudden…I know…but if I had told you before dinner, I was worried you would have-…"

Edward cut him off with a weary statement of his name, as if Edward were exasperated by his voice…or perhaps his empty words.

 _'Maybe he needs to relax…'_  feeling even less confident Alphonse tried desperately to avoid thinking about the fact that he was practically forcing Edward into it. He lowered his voice in the horrible silence of the bedroom and offered Edward a full body massage, his own body tingling at the thought of being able to touch Edward  _anywhere_  he liked.

Hopefully.

Edward was frowning as he shook his head slowly and Alphonse felt a shock of rejection go down his spine, a lot like he'd felt when Winry had been around, but then Edward spoke and he realized he wasn't being told 'no'. Still the pain and insecurity lingered, even as Edward showed that ever present concern for his wellbeing by insisting he be relaxed.

Edward didn't want to meet his eyes, Alphonse glanced at the floor that the older man seemed to find so interesting,

"I am relaxed…I trust you Edward. That's all the reassurance I need going into this, I know you're not going to hurt me if you can help it." He said it quietly, smiling to himself slightly, feeling the familiar swell of love in his body for Edward, even though the older blonde wouldn't even look at him…

It hurt in a really…cold way. No matter what lie he told himself or how many times Edward pledged 'anything's' and 'forever's', nothing changed the fact that Edward  **didn't**  want this.

He heard Edward mumble 'okay' and he frowned, unsure of what he was referring to,

"Okay, you want the massage?" he watched Edward, hoping he'd look up but he didn't.

This time he only nodded…and just barely.

Alphonse swallowed the lump in his throat, he frowned for a moment,

"Alright…" he tried to steady his voice because it sounded quiet and shaken, he stared at the top of Edward's head, his chest hurting at the emotional distance between them, "…Edward, do you think you…I mean, do you want to take your clothes off…because, um…" he didn't even have the confidence to say it properly.

He really wanted Edward to enjoy this, after what happened in his bedroom he was hoping that Ed would be less tense…yet here he was, stressed and uncomfortable. Alphonse just hoped the massage would help, it always did to calm Edward down slightly.

Edward stood up abruptly and Alphonse blinked…and blinked again as Edward pulled his shirt off quickly and roughly, untidying his hair and catching his braid.

Such a forced action…

Alphonse tried to ease the situation, stepping close to Edward before he could toss his shirt across the room in his emotional frustration. He could feel Edward's slightly heavy breathing against his face as they stood close and he gently slipped the sleeve ends off of Ed's wrists, finally able to look into Edward's worried eyes,

"Let me take your clothes off…it'll be…like uh…like foreplay." He almost whispered, feeling stupid for saying the words but meaning them.

He'd imagined Edward undressing him many times…he hoped Edward would enjoy him doing it.

He took a calming breath at their proximity, he could smell Edward's skin and was reminded of how he'd like to kiss and touch but he didn't do that…not just yet, he'd wait until he thought his older brother would be comfortable with it. He felt his fingers start to tremble with excitement as he unbuttoned and unzipped Edward's leather pants, his fingers tingled at even the faintest brush of skin as he started to push the pants down.

He was enjoying it, slowly sliding the pants down Edward's legs…he crouched down, wondering if Edward would think back to their last encounter and feel some sort of…sexual interest at the memory of him being in front of him like that. But he had no such luck, he was again dealt an emotional blow of insecurity and not really being wanted when Edward bent down with him and roughly pulled his pants the rest of the way off, dropping it on the floor next to them.

Alphonse stood up and brushed his hair back with a shaking hand, his nerves were starting up now, it was no longer just excitement. He really didn't want to start crying…but Edward seemed so angry, cut off and cold.

And Alphonse felt like he deserved the treatment.

He glanced over Edward's half nudity and felt ashamed suddenly,

"Lay down on your front…" he mumbled, his throat was sore because it was so tense.

He watched with a sad frown as Edward did as told…as if it were an order or instruction. He didn't know why he expected it to be different, probably because in his fantasies Edward would pull him down onto the bed, or push him down and lay on top of him… sensually…moving over him, kissing him…

Foolish hopes and naïve expectations.

Edward was his brother…and this was disgusting, that's all that mattered to the older blonde.

Alphonse clenched his teeth and his fists and took a moment to get his emotions under control as Edward lay on his front, staring at the wall, not even bothering to look at him.

He licked his dry lips, he felt very sick all of a sudden…

Still…he didn't want to give up…all the progress they'd made could not be for nothing.

He licked his lips again and took a silent breath before getting onto the bed, raising one leg over Edward's legs where he lay more or less near the edge, so that he was straddling him.

Alphonse swallowed dryly as quick trails of arousal surpassed his negative emotions, he could feel Edward's skin where their legs touched and it made his body heat with need.

If things went the way he wanted it to…he hoped to be sitting this way on Edward while the older blonde was laying on his back…and he would try his best to please Edward, he'd 'ride' him as the erotica described because dominant partners really enjoyed that position, or so it said. Alphonse really wanted to make Edward feel good…so that he might want him as well by the end…

…he was so sure they could be happy.

He nodded to himself, trying to gather together some of his scattered confidence as he shifted to kneel forward over Edward, pressing his hands against Edward's bare shoulders, feeling the coolness and the smooth skin against his hands as he splayed his fingers and then started working them into the muscles of the older man's back.

He absently brushed Edward's long braid to the side so it fell against the mattress, preoccupied with the flesh beneath his hands, he swallowed thickly as the need to kiss Edward's skin made itself very prominent.

He pursed his lips as he moved his hands downward to Edward's lower back…he worked his thumbs along his spine as he contemplated Edward's buttocks, he could massage him there…but he thought better of it, in case it brought back all the tension that had left Ed's shoulders.

Alphonse shook his head to tell himself a silent no and instead moved his hands from Ed's back and placed them on the backs of his naked thighs…his fingers pressing firmly into hard toned muscle.

He closed his eyes as he started to get just a little harder, he'd been aroused on and off in the last few minutes, Edward's mood was throwing him off and his emotions were distracting enough to mess with his body, but now it seemed a little more sure and he held back a sigh as his groin heated quickly.

Then he realized Edward was tensing again, especially as he started to massage higher up and inward on his thighs, Alphonse frowned, he hated how all over the place things seemed. It was like they'd take so many steps back all of a sudden.

He didn't want them to go backwards, he didn't want what had recently happened between them to be wasted…he shifted upward along Edward's legs to sit on the back of his thighs, forgetting the massage and deciding to move things along.

He gave into the temptation to kiss Edward's back, he started at his right shoulder, pressing his lips to one of the larger scars where the automail port had once been mounted and attached, heavy and solid, marring the skin permanently. He nearly hummed at the smooth texture of the skin against his lips, his feelings for Edward amplified a hundred fold every time he remembered the arm his brother gave up to bring him back from oblivion.

How could he not endlessly love the man who bled and suffered so much for him?

How could it be wrong for him to love Edward…he was everything, he was the reason Alphonse even had lips to kiss his scars with...

He sighed slowly, letting his breath tickle Ed's skin as he trailed his lips to rest between his shoulder blades, where he placed another kiss. He was aware of how easy it'd be to press himself to Edward, to feel his body against his older brother's during this new experience…but he didn't.

It was difficult to hold back but compared to what Edward was doing for him it seemed like nothing.

He trailed his kisses downward, reaching the curve in Edward's spine and he was tempted to lick along the curve back upward, but Edward still felt tense so he refrained. He started to kiss his way back up, wetting his lips slightly and balancing on his knees so he could run his hands along Edward's firm sides as well and then he ran them back down, splaying his fingers so he could touch as much flesh as possible.

He was fully erect by that point.

He got a little bolder, his desires getting the better of him for a second as he placed a wet kiss to the back of Edwards ear, tempted to suckle on his earlobe, he was able to stop himself from doing that but he didn't stop his fingers from slipping just underneath the waist band of Edward's boxers where the elastic sat just above the rise of Ed's buttocks.

He swallowed a small noise he wanted to make…he craved to be touched by Edward. Some how, any how, anywhere.

Edward's body was still slightly stiff but he hadn't told Alphonse to stop, so the younger blonde swallowed to clear his throat and asked very quietly,

"Can I take your shorts off?" he shivered pleasantly at the thought of Edward being naked, he'd enjoyed it so much in the shower…even though that had ended badly.

And it seemed like it would end badly then as well, Alphonse shifted off of Edward quickly when he felt the older man getting up, his stomach felt hollow…he fully expected Edward to turn over and say he couldn't go through with it…

Alphonse felt cold and anxious where he knelt on the mattress beside Edward as the older blonde sat up. They stared at each other in the moderate dark, he could see something akin to shock reflected in Edward's once bright gold eyes.

He watched Edward drop his gaze…to what was visible of his naked legs and Alphonse felt that pitiful shame again, Edward looked even more shocked and unsure of everything after he'd looked down. Disapproval, revulsion, shame…Alphonse wondered what he was thinking.

He felt self-conscious of his barely covered up nudity after that look, the robe was loose and if not for the tie around his waist everything would be visible…and Edward obviously didn't want to see that. Expecting rejection, Alphonse was about to pull his robe closed properly and mumble a few pathetic apologies before going to cry in his bedroom.

But then Edward touched his cheek and he felt desperate to lean into that touch…even if it was a touch of apology, so he did and Edward ran the rough pad of his thumb over his cheek and Alphonse couldn't help wanting to feel those slightly rough, slender hands on his skin…

He followed the momentum when Edward held his face and gently tugged him forward, he pressed his hand into the mattress for balance and met his older brother's kiss with parted lips, he could have cried at how sad he felt…and yet how hopeful he was that the kiss was a good sign…that Edward wasn't rejecting him again.

The kiss was short and Alphonse licked his lips with a deep frown as Edward trailed his wet lips to his ear, shallow breaths tickling him,

"Alphonse…" Edward sounded breathy and nervous and Alphonse felt anxious and hurt, "…its working…I'm getting hard."

He nearly choked on the sudden breath he took at those words, the coil of hurt and tension in his stomach lessened and he felt…relief. He couldn't feel completely elated since the Sildenafil was responsible…but this was proof at least that he  _did_  turn Edward on.

He smiled to himself, a small but desperately happy smile and Edward drew back, he looked into Edward's frowning face, the older man looked worried,

"Are you sure about this?" he asked and Alphonse couldn't even speak so he just nodded.

His desire was renewed, Edward was  **attracted**  to him and that meant something!

He didn't bother to hold back, he leaned in and started kissing Edward with passion, want and need and he was so happy that Edward responded after only a small delay before it was just their tongues and saliva, the noises of their kissing and Alphonse not entirely able to keep his breathing quiet.

Edward did strange things to him.

He felt his erection twitch underneath his robe and he pulled back from the kiss, his eyes taking in Edward's red, wet lips and slightly more relaxed facial expression,

"Take your shorts off please…?" he breathed quietly, wanting more and wanting it  **now**.

Edward nodded slightly and he lay down slowly, Alphonse let his gaze trail over Edward's upper body as his muscles tensed beautifully and sinewy with his movements, he was removing his shorts and very quickly Alphonse was looking at his flushed cock, fully erect and hard…because of him.

Not fucking Winry.

Because of Alphonse.

 _'He's hard because of me…'_  Alphonse didn't care that he was staring and he didn't hesitate to wrap his slender fingers around the hot, firm piece of flesh and start stroking it.

Edward's breath hitched and his legs drew up slightly at his touch, Alphonse's own throbbing need was starting to leave a wet stain on the robe as he looked over Edward lying before him.

Perfect body –scars and automail included- he was stunning. Hard lines defining his wiry muscle under fair skin, his handsome face expressing the fact that Alphonse was doing a good job working his erection and it made Alphonse's insides quiver with need every time he felt Edward throb in his hand.

He leaned down quickly, finally deeming it safe to kiss some more and he pressed light wet kisses to Edward's chest, he had his eyes closed when his lips brushed his older brother's already hard nipple and he puckered his lips to it, slipping his tongue out slowly before drawing the hard nub in-between his lips, he squeezed Edward's erection as he stroked because his own body keened with pleasure when Edward shivered under his lips.

Edward was amazing…Alphonse wanted more…

…but Edward sounded desperate for him to stop at his next breathy words.

The tone, the frightened tone, reminded him too much of the few fucked up nights they'd had in this very bed, so he quickly removed his hand and mouth and sat up, frowning at Edward as he sat up and pressed his face into his hands, breathing heavily.

He felt his stomach turn, once again his emotions were tossed around, he didn't know if he was facing rejection at this point, or just dealing with more unsure pauses from Edward. His insides were starting to hurt from the abruptness of it,

"Are you okay?" he managed to say, despite the pain in his throat and tingling of his lips.

Edward didn't answer but he noticed his older brother's jaw clench and his fingers tense into his hair so he just stayed quiet and stared between his legs at the bed, absently pulling the robe more inward to cover his mid-section better. Edward wasn't covering up but Alphonse was feeling too queasy to torture himself with anymore hot and cold feelings by looking at the older man.

About a minute passed before Edward sighed and dragged his hands over his face, he met Alphonse's eyes again, the younger blonde didn't even try to hide his expression, he knew he looked sad and worried.

"It's okay, I'm okay…like you said, it's just sudden." Edward said quietly, slightly hoarse.

Alphonse felt a split of hope through his insides again, it hurt but he kept the grimace off his face and looked at Edward with all the love and desire he felt, hoping this would be the last assault on his emotions,

"S-so…we can continue?"

He watched Edward swallow and he wanted to lick his slowly bobbing adam's apple, the older blonde nodded,

"Y-you…do you want me to do anything?"

The question sent a whirl of shock and need through his body, he almost couldn't believe it, Edward was offering to participate. He tried not to squirm closer to Edward as he nodded,

"Do you think…you could maybe…" he looked to the mattress, he hated asking but it seemed the only way "…could you touch me, maybe kiss me."

He'd been hoping the touches would come naturally, still he would be grateful for anything at this point, which made him desperate and pathetic…but he loved Edward and he would beg him if he had to…he really would, then again…he had in many ways already.

And he didn't see anything wrong with being willing to do anything for someone who would do anything for him.

He looked back at Edward, seeing the older man frowning as he looked between Alphonse's parted legs. The younger blonde's stomach lurched but not too badly, he knew he shouldn't be expecting too much from Edward. If his older brother touched him sexually at all, before during or after they had sex, he'd be lucky,

"You don't have to go  _there_ …if it's too much for right now. I just meant on my body." He mumbled and scooted closer to Edward, just wanting something…anything from him.

Edward calmly asked,

"You want foreplay?" and Alphonse felt his arousal spike for a second, that  _word_  made him hopeful, foreplay was sexy and experimental, or at least that's how it'd been when he was with Mei.

He hoped it'd be more than just an awkward semi hand-job before the sex…but even if it was, he wouldn't complain.

He'd lowered his expectations long before he'd even walked into the bedroom…

Alphonse nodded and pushed his fringe back irritably, impatient and slightly offended by his own pathetic needs.

He watched as Edward got up onto his knees, not shy about his nudity and Alphonse could only blush at the sight of it. Edward was gorgeous, once again exuding confidence even in a situation he didn't want to be in. He was kneeling closer now and Alphonse was aware of the knee between his thighs.

He took a small shuddering breath as Edward looked him directly in the eye,

"I love you…remember that when this is over." His older brother told him quietly, sincerely and his chest warmed.

Before he could respond Edward was kissing him…and he felt a tug at his robe.

Alphonse was overwhelmed suddenly with arousal and affection as Edward parted the robe and his rough warm hands –that Al had dreamed about for so long- were caressing his skin lightly…his naked skin.

Edward wanted him to lay down and he followed the movement of the hands touching him, not wanting them to leave his skin for a second or for Edward's mouth to leave his own…

…and he made an embarrassing little noise of dismay when Edward pulled back from kissing him. He'd closed his eyes and he was breathing heavily when he re-opened them, he saw that Edward was hovering over him, slightly flush, his bangs hanging around his chiseled face and his eyes reflected love even though his frown was sad.

He shivered lightly when Edward pushed the robe off his shoulders and then swallowed self-consciously as he realized he was laid bare and he didn't know if Edward would be okay with full nudity since he hadn't been the last time.

 _'I wonder if this is gross for him?'_  Alphonse tried not to frown while Edward was looking at his naked skin…and he wasn't saying anything. It only made Alphonse worry.

Edward leaned down again and kissed his lips, he puckered his own to respond but his older brother was already kissing his cheek…and then his jaw and then his throat…and Alphonse closed his eyes again, licking his lips absently as he enjoyed the sensation of Edward's lips on his skin…the wet sounds of the kisses.

He couldn't keep a little gasp quiet when Edward  _bit_  his nipple and his cock throbbed, it felt so fucking good and the very idea of Edward's teeth on his skin sent shivers of arousal through him, he reached up to touch some part of Edward, any part he could.

The touches only got better and Alphonse couldn't press his lips together anymore, he let his pleasured emotional breaths and noises disturb the eerie calm of the bedroom as Edward's hand caressed his tummy, making him quiver even more because at the same time his nipple was hard and caught between Edward's warm lips.

His breaths shuddered and he glanced down at the top of Edward's head when he felt a finger dip into his navel, slow and gentle and kisses were placed over his abdomen…and then he pressed his head back against the mattress and bit his lip because Edward's fingers were smoothing through his pubic hair and it sent amazing chills through him, he couldn't help the quick thrust he made upward when finally Edward had his warm, rough hand around his sex.

He was shaking and he felt a little sweaty, he didn't think he could really speak all that well right then because of the emotions constricting his throat.

Edward was touching him and it was wonderful, he'd only imagined how good it would feel to have his sexual touches reciprocated by his older brother and this was a million times better.

Feeling Edward's breath on his skin, the intimacy of the slow kisses over his body and knowing Edward was so close to him…so close to every part of him.

Edward started stroking him and before he could even deal with the pangs of arousal shooting through his body he felt a wet kiss placed on his hip and Edward's bangs tickled his stomach…and it was so sweet and intimate that he moaned. He wanted to tell Edward he loved him as he reached his hands down but all that he managed was an incoherent sound before he was lost to the strokes, he felt himself throb in Ed's hand and he drew his legs up.

He raised his head to look down as he did so, settling his legs so Edward was between them and it sent another pulse of arousal to his sex just knowing his older brother was between his naked legs. He was breathing shakily as he lay his head back on the mattress for a second, trying to get his emotions under control.

He felt like he was on the verge of tears, he was so hot and cold, so shaken and tingly, he wanted to do something for Edward but he didn't want to stop anything being done to him.

Edward's stroking had paused and he belatedly noticed, so he raised his head and glanced down to see Edward staring at him…more specifically between his legs…but not at his erection…

Alphonse felt himself blush as his self-consciousness from earlier in the bathroom caught up with him, he felt very insecure all of a sudden at Edward's blank expression. Alphonse didn't actually know what that part of his body looked like but he  _knew_  he was clean and well kempt in general…

…still Edward was his  **brother** …

 _'…he must be disgusted to see me like this.'_  Alphonse felt the abrupt drop of worry and shame in his stomach and he swallowed down the nausea that followed,

"Edward…" he frowned, his voice was withdrawn and shaken "…is it…I mean…" he honestly didn't know how to ask such a question, he felt so ridiculous.

Edward looked at him suddenly and he almost looked away, not confident enough to make eye contact but slowly Ed's hand smoothed over his tummy sensually and it made him feel a little better.

One of Edward's comforting gestures…still he said nothing.

The pain and worry Al felt spurred his need to know,

"Edward…do you enjoy touching me, I mean, it's not…gross for you is it?" his voice was steadier but he spoke so softly he wondered if Edward would hear him.

He dreaded the answer…what would Edward say to a question like that?

He watched as Edward looked up from his lightly rubbing hand, straight into his eyes and the older man looked almost bashful,

"You're not gross…in fact you're…" Edward blushed "…your…kind of…beautiful." His voice was soft but undeniably honest and Alphonse felt confused and flattered all at once.

He didn't even know how to react to Edward saying… **that**  part of him was…beautiful?

He could feel how hot his face was and he mumbled an 'oh' despite it being a timid way to respond, he knew he should be confident, especially now that he knew Edward wasn't repulsed by his intimate areas.

Nothing was said for a few odd seconds before Edward's – wonderful- hands started to caress and rub Alphonse's thighs again…and when Edward's hot palms rubbed the inside of his thighs he felt every part of his sex react to it.

He needed to kiss Edward right then, he wanted his older brother's wet mouth on his so he pushed himself up and kissed Edward roughly and at the same time took a hold of the older man's sex and started to stroke it firmly. He loved how Ed's foreskin shifted tightly with his palm when he stroked a little harder, Edward liked it too because he made a low breathy noise and he kissed back just as roughly.

Alphonse felt only bliss in that moment, here they were, as he'd fantasized so many times, mutually touching one another, Ed's hands were pressing, rubbing along his sensitive thighs in a way that suggested he was enjoying it as they kissed and there was no awkwardness or hesitation.

When Edward drew back from kissing him he slid his wet mouth to Ed's neck and started to kiss and suck, he tasted sweat on Edward's skin that turned him on in a whole new way, that was Edward's taste and he  **loved**  it. It was like when he'd tasted Edward's cum…something he'd never forget and always enjoy…

Alphonse didn't even wonder about his depravity, he just knew he loved Edward and he wanted to be with him in every way forever…and Edward was making his wish and fantasies come true. He stroked Edward harder as his body keened but then the older blonde leaned to the side and Alphonse was pulled off balance by his one leg against Edward's side.

He leaned on his side and watched through arousal hazed eyes as Edward grabbed the lubricant off the bedside table.

 _'Yes…oh fuck yes….please…'_  he thought quickly and barely swallowed a moan as Edward settled back between his legs. Alphonse looked between them, watching Edward's cock as it throbbed just like his own.

For a moment he truly believed Edward wanted this…

If only to make himself feel better he clung to that thought, ignoring the details about the pill making Edward hard and base arousal making him horny…he just wanted to believe for that night…that Edward really wanted to fuck him.

He frowned at the callous thought so unlike himself but it did wonders for his arousal, the rawness…the idea of Edward fucking him roughly…or even just normally…

He frowned when Edward started to ask if he was sure again and he cut him off,

"Please stop asking…" he couldn't be surer, his entire body was strung high with sexual tension and need.

…and he only wanted Edward.

He licked his lips, wanting to taste Edward's sweat again, taste his lips. He easily wrapped his toned legs over Edward's hips and around his back, pulling himself forward and slipping his arms around Ed's torso before kissing Edward's chest…and in that position with Ed kneeling upright for the briefest second he felt Edward's sex throb against his mid-section…and he was  **more than sure**  that he wanted it,

"Edward, I want to have…uh…" he didn't want to say sex, he didn't even consider saying 'fuck me' to his brother lest he get smacked, "…to make…uh…" saying make love felt stupid and corny, he slid his hands down Edward's lightly sweaty back "…be with me Edward, please." He pleaded softly.

Edward didn't respond immediately but he wasn't too worried, he was preoccupied with sliding his hands onto Edward's ass for the first time ever and reveling in the pleasure he felt for the effort. Edward's body was fucking amazing. He knew they were both built well but the years of fighting and physical exertion put into Edward's physic was something he could never acquire, Edward was so fit his very outline even through his clothes was taut and defined.

It made him feel even hotter.

No one deserved Edward, he didn't even believe that he did.

He was lightly licking at Edward's nipples when the older blonde said a quiet 'okay' and he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder, pushing him to lie back. He went with it, enjoying the sweet kisses Edward gave him before he was lying flat and he loosened his legs from Edward's waist, resting them either side of the older man again.

When he heard the cap of the lube pop open he frowned lightly and sat up, leaning on his elbows. He'd already done what Edward was about to attempt and the idea still made him blush, especially when he remembered having his own fingers inside of himself. There was something awkwardly personal about that particular action…or maybe he just felt that way.

When he'd fantasized in the past about Edward doing it to him he'd always cum very quickly but when he'd planned this night he'd resigned himself to the fact that his older brother wouldn't want to touch him like that, so he'd known he had to do it for himself.

Edward's hands were shaking and he hadn't even put any of the lube on his fingers, it still hurt to realize he was right,

"You don't have to do that…" he said quietly to Edward.

The older blonde frowned at him, still with shaking hands,

"W-what…of course I have to or you'll get hurt."

Alphonse blushed when he remembered how weird it had felt in the bathroom and he sat up, Edward frowned at him even more,

"No…I…" he took the tube from Edward rather easily, "…I already did that…in the bathroom." He admitted in the same quiet voice as he clutched the cool plastic tube in his hot palm. With Edward it was always about not hurting him or protecting him, it would never be about wanting to touch him in that way.

He held back a sigh.

Edward was frowning, looking offended and sad,

"Oh…why, did you think I wouldn't do that for you…Alphonse I'd never-…"

"No, it's not that, I just didn't want you to have too much to worry about Edward, I know this is hard for you."  _'…and I know you don't want to.'_ He tried to sound soothing as he touched Edward's face lightly with his free hand.

Edward sighed, saying he would have done it…Alphonse was tired of hearing how Edward would do  _anything_. But never  **want**  to do it, he just would.

"I know…" he mumbled back trying to be neutral about it.

Edward tried to insist but he was feeling shitty again and he just wanted to go back to imagining things were like he wanted them to be…and that Edward wanted him.

He'd prepared himself so he could be ready for Edward, he wanted to make this experience hot and sexy because he was hopeful in future Edward would want him enough to be aroused naturally.

"Can we continue now…Edward I want you." He asked when the silence and Ed's frown became annoying, he noticed how throaty his voice was but he played off the tension in his throat with his shaking hand reaching to lightly fondle Edward's scrotum.

Edward shivered and his breathing deepened, Alphonse smiled in a way he hoped was sexy and Edward nodded. Alphonse wanted him to lie down, so he got up on his knees, pressing a light hand to Ed's chest and asked him to lie down on his back.

"Why?" he sounded worried.

Alphonse watched him lay down and was finally faced with what he'd been thinking about all day, Edward on his back, legs slightly parted with a fully hard erection  _just for him_  and now he would do his part. He raised his leg over Ed's and straddled him, but higher up so their cocks could touch.

It was like electricity for Alphonse, rubbing his sex against Ed's…seeing his pre-come stick to Edward's skin and vice versa, he kept rubbing against his brother and Edward didn't seem to mind even though he was frowning.

Alphonse knew he wanted an answer and repeated something he'd read somewhere,

"The book says for the first time…this position gives the…uh, passive partner more control. You don't mind do you?" he didn't want to say 'I want to ride you' because he doubted very much his brother would appreciate the crassness.

Edward's hands clutched his thighs, his breathing was uneven, his eyes were opening and closing and Alphonse could tell he appreciated the friction between them,

"I…don't mind…I just…I just disagree." Edward said in between breaths.

Alphonse felt his anger rise slightly, even though he had already suspected it for a while,

"…you've done this before…?" he asked quietly.

Edward opened his eyes and looked vaguely guilty,

"Y-eah I have…"

Alphonse could only frown, it wasn't his place to get mad just because Edward had done things he hadn't,

"I knew it." He mumbled, looking between their bodies and trying to enjoy the sight.

"I don't want you to get hurt…" Edward's voice was that sincere brotherly tone again, always concerned about his well-being, no desire or undertones.

Alphonse felt a little annoyed but he moved passed it in light of how close they were now,

"I'll be fine…" he said absently as he squeezed a generous amount of the lube into his palm and went straight to stroking Edward's sex.

He needed it to be well lubricated for himself, he was a little worried about getting hurt considering his two fingers had been kind of sore and Edward was much thicker but he was feeling something along the lines of hurt, desire and impatience so he pushed the feeling aside.

If Edward could be coherent while bleeding from two lost limbs, he could take this little pain and survive.

Once he assumed Edward was lubricated enough he shifted upward, hurrying things along but taking a moment to blush when he had to look between his own legs to take a hold of Edward's sex so he could put it against himself…it seemed like it might be a little more difficult that he'd anticipated…

…but his re-calculating was cut short when he felt himself tossed to the side and Edward was suddenly on top of him, flush, breathing heavily and pinning him to the bed with his hips in a very sexy way…Ed was moving his hips and Alphonse bit his lip to stop himself was moaning loudly as their sex's rubbed together firmly by Edward's doing.

He liked it…he liked Edward taking the initiative…it made him feel good and secure.

He started to move his hips as well, making hot wet friction between them and Edward started to kiss his neck, Alphonse could hear himself breathing heavily, his heart was beating firmly in his chest, his emotions all over the place again.

When Edward behaved like that it felt so right.

Edward was looking down at him and he tried to focus,

"I won't let this hurt you…it might only be this once." The older blonde unknowingly reminded him…and Alphonse felt his stomach bottom out, he wanted to scream as his temporary illusion was shattered by soft concerned words.

He didn't say anything he just frowned, staring up at the ceiling as Edward's body warmth disappeared, Alphonse's chest felt tight because again everything felt so wrong.

 _'It wasn't supposed to be like this…'_  he clenched his jaw.

He glanced down at Edward just when he'd put lube onto his hand and was spreading it over his fingers, Alphonse closed his eyes,

 _'Edward…'_ he thought of the name he'd hardly used growing up,  _'…brother, I love you, I'm sorry you have to do this for me…I hope you can forgive me…brother…'_  his eyes shot open and his breath caught in his throat when he felt Edward's fingers, slim, slick and warm rubbing firmly over his anus.

He could  _feel_  the wetness and he could  _feel_ how Edward let each tip of his fingers lightly press and rub into the shallow pucker. Alphonse's chest pained by the time he could finally breathe and his body was alight with new arousal in an instant…he even felt his rectum tighten as Edward rubbed him slowly in upward, downward and circular motions.

It was a lot to take in, he'd not for a second thought Edward would really do this for him and now it was happening and it felt so intimate…and after a minute he felt a finger slide into him and he shivered. Edward slid his finger upward –almost knowingly- and there was a rush of intense pleasure that went straight to his cock and it made him tremble and grip the sheet underneath him.

Alphonse let his arms slip out from underneath him so he could lay on his back, breathing heavily through parted lips, his skin singing with pleasure as Edward moved his finger in and out of his body.

 _'…Edward…brother…'_  Alphonse frowned when he belatedly realized how much thinking the word 'brother' turned him on…he'd even been so close to saying it aloud. But instead he breathed Edward's name…in a slight panic…

For a second his blood ran cold, a horrible contrast to how hot he was from Edward's touches…and when the older blonde added a second finger which resulted in sensation to all his nerves the first word that came to mind was 'brother', followed by an audible low quiet moan.

Alphonse let out a shuddering breath when his body reacted with hot arousal, he covered his face with his hands and felt tears rush to his eyes instantly.

He knew he was more emotional than he'd ever been before, there was a lot happening to him he'd never experienced before, it was a lot to take in, his body was being touched in a very different way and it both scared and excited him…somewhere in all that he'd found the word 'brother' lingering in his thoughts, because Edward –his big brother- had always been his safe place.

His protector…physically –when it was necessary- and emotionally.

 _'Edward…I want you…I want you as a brother, I thought I just wanted you as a lover…but this is…this feels right, I want us to be both...just like you said.'_  he shuddered when his prostate was touched again and he bit back a moan of the word 'brother', his body and mind weren't handling the conflict of feelings very well. The pleasure, need and arousal were predominant, still he tried desperately not to say something that would make Edward –undoubtedly- bolt from the room and throw up.

Moaning the word 'brother' out loud was not an option.

Alphonse tensed when a dull pain permeated inside his rectum, Edward had three fingers in him now and it hurt…but it passed after a few seconds…and left behind was the incredible feeling of his older  _brother_ touching him like that. He didn't think he'd ever been so hard…Edward's fingers were thin, long and gentle, slipping in and out of him slowly, it set all of his sensitive nerves on the very best edge.

When he felt Edward remove his fingers he let out a small breath he'd been holding, he kept his hands covering his face as he calmed down slightly. He no longer felt like crying but his eyes were wet from the first shocked tears of realization…his conflicting emotions over loving and wanting Edward as a man and as his brother…

But it didn't really make a difference, Alphonse knew, the fact remained he wanted  **Edward** …

He couldn't help make a small sound as Edward's three fingers re-entered him, it didn't hurt as much it just felt slightly tense…but then Edward was kissing his inner thighs and Alphonse felt his insides warm, there was an increasing wetness forming against his stomach and at the head of his sex because of what Edward was doing to him…it felt like it was taking too long, he was getting impatient again.

He couldn't help the noises he made…and he didn't try to because it made Edward's hot mouth suck on the flesh between his thighs and it was intensely erotic, Edward's fingers inside of him while he kissed and played his mouth along his inner thighs…

Alphonse couldn't have fantasized this any better…he should have known nothing would beat the real thing.

Edward's fingers were moving steadily for a while and Alphonse was tempted to insist he was ready, but he knew his voice would fail to be more than a quiet tense whisper. He'd never experienced this sort of heightened pleasure…never in his life and being with Mei hadn't been like this.

Alphonse felt…strangely sexy…and very vulnerable.

His self-consciousness was no longer bothering him.

And he liked it.

He felt Edward's fingers leave him again and then the weight on the bed shifted and Alphonse inhaled slowly, Edward was hovering over him, he could smell his sweat mixed with his cologne and it was pleasing. He felt his lower half rise slightly off the bed as Edward's muscular thighs slipped underneath his own.

 _'This is it…'_  he thought and he would have smiled if not for the broken tone in which Edward spoke above him.

"Alphonse, if you want me to stop, please say so now before it's too late."

There was an annoying pain on his insides at those words, his emotions still reacting to Edward's constantly changing moods and feelings, he took a deep breath and removed his hands from his eyes.

He saw Edward's eyes widen at the wetness of his lashes, the older man started to rattle off an apology and some words probably blaming himself for everything and anything but Alphonse didn't want to hear it, they were at this point…so close,

"Edward." He said his older brother's name firmly and quiet looking up into Edward's flushed worried face "I just wasn't expecting you to do that for me, I'm fine, just…kind of emotional." He let his eyes trail to Edward's lips.

Edward's bangs hung untidy around his face, his braid had started coming loose so some longer pieces of hair had slipped over his shoulders…and a few stray hairs stuck to Edward's lightly sweating face, neck and even against his lips. Alphonse raised his hands and pushed Edward's hair back from his face with light, gentle fingers, tucking the strands behind the older man's ears.

Edward nodded, his face was cool even though he was flush and he was tense, every muscle in his body seemed to be holding him up above Alphonse, the younger blonde knew Edward kept hoping they wouldn't do this…

"…then…you're ready?" Edward's voice was quiet and he nodded to the older man.

Yes, he was ready.

He felt hot, his skin was tingling, arousal and pleasure swirling between his legs everywhere Edward had touched and between his thighs. He could feel Edward's waist against his thighs and it felt right, it felt perfect to be like this.

Yes, he was ready.

Edward shifted, leaning over him and Alphonse parted his legs higher as much as he could right then so Edward's pelvis could press flat between his legs –it helped that he could do the splits-…so when Edward was inside…he could be as deep as possible.

He could feel the firmness of Edward between his legs, he ran his hands down Edward's sides and licked his lips when the older blonde pressed and rubbed the smooth wet head of his cock against his anus.

Alphonse nearly moaned…

But it stuck in his throat when Edward pressed forward, Alphonse felt the slickness as his older brother's sex started to press into him. It felt tense, slow and pressurizing…but only for a few seconds. Alphonse took in a sharp breath when he felt himself open up and he  _felt_  Edward's sex slip into him, he felt himself stretch to accommodate it…

…and it hurt like fucking hell…but Alphonse couldn't help moan –deep, throaty and pained- the sensation of having Edward inside him like that was intense.

He felt his face heat up, his insides felt tight and weird, much like with his fingers except thicker and fuller.

But good, somehow…it felt good, emotionally more than physically right then but as the pain waned and ebbed, he felt aroused from his depths because Edward was slowly slipping into him and it felt like he'd hoped it would. Close, real…flesh and blood and sweat and the smell of sex.

Edward smelled so good and his breaths were short,

"A-alphonse…are you okay?"

Alphonse breathed another shuddering breath as he opened and closed his eyes, vaguely aware that he was clenching his fingers into Edward's sides,

"Yeah…" was all he managed right then, swallowing thickly.

Edward asked if it hurt…but it didn't, not really, it felt tight and vaguely uncomfortable but aside from that he was never more thrilled and aware of every inch of Edward as he was right then.

Of his body above him and his sex inside of him.

He felt so sensitive, his legs were shaking so badly,

"N-no…it's okay now…" he managed to say around the emotions constricting his throat.

"Alphonse…must I stop?" Edward's words stung because after all this he was still trying to stop it from happening,

"No…" he tried to smile "…Edward, don't stop. There's no pain now…I swear." He knew he didn't sound convincing but he couldn't help the tremble in his voice.

He didn't know if he was supposed to feel so emotional…but everything felt harsh, vivid and sounded louder.

The room was so fucking silent, Edward's skin was cool and his breathing was quick and terse…

Alphonse closed his eyes and clenched his toes when Edward pushed all the way into him…Edward exhaled heavily against his mouth and again, Alphonse felt sexy…and horny and needy.

There was something about being like that, underneath Edward's strong body, receiving him…it was erotic and Alphonse shivered at the new feelings as they kissed.

Edward was kissing him roughly and breathing shallowly through his nose, tongue deep in his mouth and Alphonse could feel the older blonde's firm muscled abs tensing against his sex between them, he moaned quietly, sliding his hands upward to Ed's shoulders, pulling him closer…

Then Edward pulled out, the movement made his skin tingle…and Alphonse felt so hot with pleasure when Edward slowly, firmly pressed back into him…the upward pressure rubbing against his prostate made sharp pleasure shoot straight into his sex again.

He felt the moisture against his skin between them increase every second, sweat between their bodies and his slowly gathering pre-come. His legs were shaking around Edward's waist and he clenched his fingers against Edward's back as the older man drew back from the kiss.

Alphonse looked up at him, seeing something similar to lust in Edward's expression…he couldn't be sure,

"Edward…" he licked his lips, wondering if he should ask but his question was lost to an embarrassingly loud 'aah' sound from the back of his throat as Edward smoothly slipped out and pushed back into him.

Edward started thrusting and it dawned on Alphonse as he was awash with deep sexual arousal…that they were  _actually_  having sex, this was it, Edward was inside of him, thrusting into him…and it felt amazing, far better than any fantasy or his masturbation.

Every time Edward thrust into him their skin connected loudly, so real and vivid and Alphonse's insides tensed at the pleasure that assaulted his system by Edward's movements.

He tried to swallow some of his sounds but they happened almost involuntarily, he couldn't find a way to describe the feelings he was experiencing, he'd thought sex was simple but the emotions he felt were complex and changed the experience for him completely.

It was both sweet and dirty, sweet because of the pleasure, the kisses and Edward and dirty because he felt so vulnerable and horny, his sex was throbbing every time their skin slapped together and Edward's cock was so deep inside him he could  _feel_  it all the way.

He tried to spread his shaking legs as much as possible but it was getting harder the weaker he felt with pleasure and when Edward would thrust deeper he made a low noise similar to a moan…or a grunt and Alphonse memorized the sound.

Alphonse was watching Edward's face above him whenever he could open his eyes in between the waves of pleasure, Ed's eyebrows were drawn together but he kept eye contact as much as possible, his lips were parted as he breathed harshly, moving above Alphonse steadily, the muscles of his arms and shoulders tensing with every thrust and Alphonse pictured how they looked together in his mind…

The image turned him on and he leaned up to kiss Edward, pleased when the older man leaned in and kissed him with slight desperation, he moaned into his mouth as Edward rolled his hips slower but thrust firmer.

The fact that Edward was so skilled with his movements both upset and pleased him…

…but right then the steady drive of Edward's hips between his legs mostly just pleased him.

Alphonse shut his eyes as the pressure built up in his lower abdomen for a moment, the older blonde was thrusting harder and slightly faster and Alphonse widened his shaking legs almost absently…wanting more as he moaned breathily. Edward's sex brushed his prostate directly for several thrusts and when he parted his lips to breathe out desperately at the sweet torture, he opened his eyes to find Edward frowning, their foreheads lightly pressed together.

The older blonde looked distressed…upset.

Alphonse felt that cold ill pain gnaw at his insides, wondering what Edward was thinking, he didn't look happy, he didn't look like he was enjoying it at all…

_'…he's just pity fucking me, he probably just wants it over with.'_

"…ah…Edward…aah…Ed…Edward…" Alphonse tried to get his attention, grabbing the tensing muscles of his upper arms and after a moment Edward opened his eyes.

He looked slightly dazed, his cheeks were red and even though his thrusting slowed, Edward didn't completely stop, he moved his sex slowly out and then slid it back in easily…Alphonse felt that dirty horniness again.

He wanted Edward as deep into him as he could go…because it felt fucking amazing having him move inside of his most private place that way.

"Y-you okay, what's wrong?" Edward's voice was low, thick with some emotion Alphonse couldn't focus on, he was having trouble talking since every time Edward pressed back into him it felt so good.

Edward seemed to realize he was affecting Alphonse's speech so he stopped moving and the younger blonde took a second to remember what he'd been thinking,

"…are you…does it feel good for you? You're so quiet…you look…you look upset." He felt short of breath, he tensed his legs around Edward's waist, wanting him deeper.

It felt so good…there was no discomfort or awkwardness between them, now it was almost perfect.

Edward fit so perfectly inside of him, he could never see himself giving this to anyone besides his older brother.

Never this vulnerable, never this weak, this giving, this desperate for anyone…besides Edward.

"It does, it feels really good…" he heard Edward say but his eyes were tracking a drop of sweat as it slid down Edward's neck and settled in the hollow of his throat, he leaned up and licked it up, leaving a kiss afterward and feeling his loins swirl with arousal, "…are you okay?" Edward asked with a soft breathy sigh.

Okay? He was better than okay…

He wanted to kiss Edward everywhere, but he could only reach his chin right then…although Edward obliged him with a kiss to his lips and Alphonse clenched his fingers into Edward's skin again,

"It feels incredible, better than my fantasies, I'm so…I'm really sad that we might never do it again…" he felt bad emotions swell in him as he reminded himself that his fantasies weren't realistic, he kissed Edward's lingering lips again "You feel so good this close to me, inside of me like this…" he had to tell Edward.

He wanted Edward to know that he wanted and needed him like this.

"Alphonse…I…" Edward's voice sounded raw with emotion just like his own "…it feels fucking incredible inside of you. You're, you're fucking perfect."

Alphonse smiled sadly to himself as he closed his eyes, enjoying the light kisses Edward placed over his face.

 _'It's not fair…why can't it be like this forever.'_  He felt his lips quiver as the need to cry started up,

"If I'm perfect…it's only because you saw me that way and made me that way. Edward, I love you." His voice cracked but his words were true and he clutched Edward tightly, feeling every muscle of his lightly sweaty body tense to pull the older man's body against him, deeper inside of him, he pressed wet desperate kisses to Edward's neck.

He wanted to lavish him with kisses, love and pleasure…he would do anything to see Edward happy, in hopes of being loved –that specific way- in return.

"I love you too…Alphonse…fuck, I shouldn't be doing this to you…" Edward's voice was laced with regret and even some anger but Alphonse knew the older man well, he was angry at himself.

Alphonse hated it, he hated that Edward couldn't just let go…and enjoy this, even if it was just this one time.

He frowned and held Edward's face in his hands, some hair had fallen forward and he pushed the strands back to see Edward's gorgeous face,

"Please don't say that…please…please Edward, don't regret this." He knew he sounded desperate, he just wanted Edward to enjoy this moment, to enjoy his body and their closeness.

Edward said it was incredible, so he obviously felt something.

 _'Please let go…'_  Alphonse squeezed Edward closer to himself with his legs and tensed himself around the older man inside of him, hoping to make him feel good.

Edward nodded but he didn't look so sure as he started moving again, Alphonse bit back a breath at the returning sensation of pleasure to his body.

Very quickly Edward returned to the quick, hard pace he'd set earlier and Alphonse found himself making noises he didn't know he could, he couldn't close his mouth, it felt too good and Edward was kissing him in between sucking and biting his neck…the older man was making noises that could have been stifled moans, Alphonse was too lost in feeling and sensation to determine.

He tried to keep up with Edward, the pleasure he felt was starting to peak, he could feel it in the pit of his loins and he wanted more…so he started to move his hips downward to meet Edward's thrusts…but he could hardly focus on a steady rhythm through the haze of pleasure.

He felt Edward pause his movements and Alphonse frowned, then Edward adjusted his hips and he pressed in slowly, Alphonse tensed and exhaled deeply at the slow rush of pleasure. Then Edward shifted again and Al frowned again right before he moaned out embarrassingly loud, Edward was pressing himself slowly inward again and the pressure of the movement felt like it was directly against his prostate, it was incredible.

And Edward did it again…and again, until he was doing nothing short of fucking Alphonse into the mattress and his cock was –with impressive accuracy- rubbing against his prostate with every single movement, in or out. Alphonse didn't try to stop the sounds leaving his mouth, he wasn't even aware that he was writhing, all he knew was that it hurt so fucking good…

…and Edward was amazing, he loved Edward.

He tried to say it but he could barely put words together and the older blonde wasn't slowing his thrusts.

Alphonse belatedly remembered his erection when he ran his hands down Edward's chest and accidently touched himself, then he couldn't stop himself, he started to stroke himself almost desperately right when Edward kissed him so hard his head was pressed back into the mattress and he thrust his hips forward, burying himself deep inside of Alphonse.

The younger blonde felt his muscles tense all over his body, he arched up as pleasure rushed from his loins and spread through his body as he reached his orgasm, he felt himself cum but it wasn't the origin of his pleasure. His pleasure came from inside, almost stifling at how hot it was through his erection and down his legs, his toes curled and he clenched Edward's waist tightly between his toned thighs.

He felt Edward keep moving inside him for a short while –in which Alphonse's orgasm was drawn out just slightly- before he stopped moving. Alphonse couldn't really focus on anything at first, his body slowly relaxed back into the mattress, he was aware of everything touching him…but mostly of Edward's skin and his breath against his lips, making him flush even more than he was already.

He didn't even remember the kiss ending but it didn't matter, he wanted to taste Edward even though he could hardly breathe and he was shaking,

"Ahmm, Edward…" he opened his eyes to see Edward staring down at him with half lidded eyes and he pulled him down to kiss him, wet and deep…he thought he heard himself moan but he wasn't sure.

He needed to breathe soon, forgetting to breathe through his nose, so he let Edward pull back and took in a deep breath, licking his lips slowly and finally letting his shaking legs drop from Edward's waist. He felt warm and soft…he traced his hands down Edward's back slowly.

Happier than ever for the moment.

He felt Edward kiss his shoulder and he smiled slightly to himself,

"Al-alphonse…" Edward's voice was quiet and…shaken.

Alphonse pulled himself quickly from his rapture, snapping his eyes open to look at Edward but the older blonde had his face pressed into the younger's shoulder,

"Yeah?" Alphonse answered, feeling slightly worried at Ed's behavior.

"…I need to…" Edward suddenly drew his head back and looked down at him, frowning and looking guilty, "…I'm sorry, I need to cum…I need to…please…" he sounded like he would cry.

Alphonse felt shock run through his body, very quickly clearing his satisfied and warm feelings, he felt cold now…and hurt…and disappointed.

Reality.

"I-I thought you did…" the words fell from his mouth, he'd honestly assumed Edward had finished since he'd stopped moving.

But he should have known better, this was not like a sexual fantasy where they were both so engrossed in each other and sexual pleasure that they would come together. This was not an erotic novel where the very feeling of him climaxing would push Edward over the edge. This was not sex between two people who wanted it so badly their bodies would sync. Edward only had an erection because of a drug…

Edward made a confused faced and moved inside of him, Alphonse was mostly numb for the moment but when the older man moved he could feel it…

…the drug made this sex possible. But it would also make it harder for Edward to reach orgasm because of the unnatural effect it had on his healthy body. This was drug induced sex…and it wouldn't be happening otherwise.

"The drug…" he wanted to say something, ask something but what would be the point "…I'm sorry, please f-finish, I want you to, you don't have to ask me." He mumbled, feeling dejected and empty but he was sincere, he had wanted Edward to cum inside of him…

All through it he'd been subconsciously plagued by the falseness, deceit, manipulation and unnatural way it was happening but now the cold truth had come forward.

Edward hadn't wanted this.

Edward kissed him but he only blinked at the sensation against his cool lips, he watched as Edward shifted so that he was kneeling upright between his legs…and he felt Edward's erection leave his body…

…and finally became aware of how it ached, his rectum was sensitive and sore.

Not surprising really…except he hadn't noticed until right then…

Alphonse tensed when Edward raised his legs up into the air, he had an influx of different feelings. He was anxious because he was sore, he took note of the position Edward was getting him into and felt that sexual vulnerability all over again…also Edward was licking his lips, he seemed focused on what he was about to do…he looked more into it than he'd been all along.

Alphonse felt him slip his erect cock back inside of his body and he bit back a sound of pain, breathing heavily but quietly, he wasn't about to deter Edward from enjoying his body.

And Edward didn't hesitate to start thrusting hard and fast, filling the room with much louder sounds of their skin connecting and Alphonse found himself moaning again, it hurt but it also felt good…he focused on Edward's face and tried to ignore his discomfort.

He clutched the sheets to steady himself because Edward's thrusts were getting harder and hurting more, he was chafing against the damp sheets and it was distracting him from Edward's expression. The older blonde had his lips parted, his eyes opening and closing as he stared right back into Alphonse's face, his bangs sticking to his sweaty face as he tensed, his face twitching at whatever pleasure he felt and little breathy noises were falling from his lips.

Alphonse never wanted to forget the image of Edward experiencing pleasure.

He frowned though at the pain when Edward slammed into him several times hard, he couldn't hide the grimace as the pain lanced deep inside of him mixing with the vague touches to his prostate…but then the halting thrusts became smooth and fast, Edward's sex sliding neither fully in nor fully out of him…

Alphonse focused on Edward through his frown and breathing to see the look of bliss on Edward's face, eyebrows drawn together, lips parted and eyes closed. Alphonse realized he was cumming and he glanced down between his raised legs as best as he could to see Edward moving in and out of him…traces of semen clinging to his sex.

Edward pressed deep into him after a few seconds –Alphonse winced- and made a low moaning sound, his eyes still closed as he fell forward and hovered over Alphonse with his hands pressed into the mattress.

The younger blonde stared at Edward's euphoric expression, breathing heavily and his fair skin tinged pink, then slowly Edward started to frown and he closed his mouth and swallowed tensely.

He opened his eyes and they stared at each other, both frowning lightly.

Alphonse watched as Edward shifted, he felt Edward leave his body again before he moved over to the side to lie on his stomach. Alphonse became aware of the sensation of Edward's semen leaving his body and closed his legs, he was sore and burning…and it felt strange and wet.

He didn't hate it…he was just once again disappointed at how impersonal it all felt. The novels he read always talked about feeling their partners come inside of them…but he hadn't felt it. And he supposed it was logical, it would need to be of a higher pressure to feel something like that amidst all the other feelings…but he'd have at least hoped to be able to tell when Edward was about to orgasm.

But they were not a couple in sync and sharing their bodies and feelings and learning each other…

No, they were brothers.

Incestuous siblings.

Edward hadn't wanted this.

Alphonse had expected more.

Now he was cold, his pleasure had been thwarted by the realization that Edward hadn't finished and it'd hurt to let him in the end…now he just felt vulnerable in a bad way…and not remotely sexy.

And he lacked the confidence to roll over and ask Edward to hold him…because Edward was laying on his front and facing away from him…

Cold…harsh, reality.

The entire thing had been flawed and wrong and he'd still forced for it, hoping above hope that somehow he'd be able to get Edward to change his feelings. But all he'd done was give Edward a means and manipulated him into an end.

He pressed his legs together tightly as he felt more wetness leave him, his insides slowly relaxing as he lay there, feeling cold and sticky, staring at the wall blankly, wondering what came next.

He felt Edward shift next to him,

"Alphonse…" he heard his name, Edward's voice was soft and scared.

He loathed that voice, he wanted Edward to speak confidently around him, not tip toe and worry all the time.

_'It's my fault, I did this to him.'_

"Edward?" he turned to look at his brother's concerned sad expression.

Edward looked like he wanted to cry, shaking lightly as he pushed his hair out of his face,

"…you don't look happy." He sounded awful, withdrawn and choked.

Of course, he just reminded Alphonse once again that he'd only been doing this to make him happy…

He'd served Alphonse's satisfaction…to make him happy, Edward wanted to see him smile.

He tried to smile as he sat up but only managed a weak frown, still, he didn't want Edward to be upset, after all he'd done tonight, so he placed a kiss to his older brother's shoulder, hoping to ease his obvious concern and guilt.

How badly he wished Edward didn't regret or feel guilty…

He felt his chest and throat tightening, tears burning up his eyes as Edward stared at him with tears in his eyes.

When Edward started to cry Alphonse felt his insides clench and he started to cry as well.

 _'I'm sorry I did this to you…'_  he didn't say it aloud as he cried quietly in the silent room, it would be an apology of too little too late.

The damage was done.

He'd forced his brother to sleep with him and then he hadn't even been able to smile for him.

Alphonse truly felt the sick now, as he shivered and guilt burned in his stomach. He felt like he hated himself, for being selfish when all Edward ever did was love him and try to give him what he wanted.

 _'I can't even smile for him…'_  he sobbed louder and drew his knees up to his chest and Edward sobbed louder as well, head hung and face hidden by his bangs.

He was shivering badly after a while and was slightly startled when he felt Edward's hand on his shoulder but he realized the older man wanted him to lie down, so he did. Edward –always gentle, always loving, always thoughtful of him- pulled the blanket over their naked bodies, pressed their stained, sticky bodies close together spooning and he held the younger blonde to him.

Alphonse cried as quietly as he could while Edward held him,

_'…even after everything, he still loves me. I…I don't deserve you Edward, I'm sorry…'_

* * *

It was about an hour later and Alphonse still hadn't fallen asleep, he doubted he would be able to for a while, maybe even a few nights. He was dealing with a lot of emotions very similar to how he'd felt in the first weeks they'd come to Central, not as severe by any means but still, he felt guilty, sad and sick.

Even the feeling of Edward's breathing against the back of his neck and holding him around his naked waist was no comfort…not when he felt so guilty.

Edward had said there would be no going back and Alphonse realized that now, no amount of apologies or pretending would remove the feelings either of them had experienced together like this, not the good nor the bad. Their bodies were different now…different in the eyes of the other.

Everything would feel different between them, even a chaste touch or glance.

He didn't know if Edward had slept at all in the past hour but he wasn't all that surprised when the older blonde's arm slipped from around his waist and the weight on the bed shifted, he felt the spot next to him become drafty and he knew Edward was either sitting up or getting off the bed.

The latter was confirmed when the blanket was placed back down and tucked in to his back –ever thoughtful Edward- before some shuffling sounds, then footfalls across the room, the bedroom door opened but wasn't closed as the footfalls receded down the hall.

Knowing Edward had left the room, he raised a hand from under the blankets and rubbed at his burning eyes. He was warm but uncomfortable and sticky, there was a lingering dampness between his legs and he was sore as well. He was wondering about whether they had any painkillers when he heard the toilet flush and realized he wanted to pee as well.

He decided to wait until Edward left the bathroom and two minutes later he heard footfalls coming back toward the bedroom so he sat up –wincing at the pain it caused. He was just about to toss the blanket off himself when Edward walked back into the bedroom and he remembered he was naked.

He glanced at the older blonde, Edward had pulled his boxers on probably before he left the bedroom,

"Hey Al, did you sleep at all?" Edward asked quietly as if someone was listening –his tone of voice sounding strangely normal- and he switched on the bedroom light.

Alphonse felt awful, sticky, pale and exposed now that the light was on but Edward didn't look much better or bothered by it. His braid was untidy and coming loose, his bangs were flat around his face from sweating, his skin seemed fairer and he was obviously cold since the apartment was cold and it was quite late.

Still, to Alphonse he looked attractive.

He hated to think of what he looked like to Edward.

He felt some pain in his mid-section at the useless thoughts and he ran his hand through his cold hair, shaking his head,

"No, can't sleep." He mumbled, his throat was even a little sore, he looked back to the blanket covering his lower half and then he realized he was still laying on part of his robe…and it was probably soiled from their activities, even if it had been pushed aside at some point.

"You…uh…" Edward sounded unsure of something, Alphonse looked at him from where he sat slightly huddled in on himself, feeling bare and ugly under the light, "…do you want to, take a…bath…first?" Ed asked quietly, glancing back to the door behind him.

Alphonse blinked tiredly, it sounded like a nice suggestion…his skin and thighs were sticky, but he didn't want to rush so Edward could go after him,

"No…you can go first, I just need to pee first."

Edward nodded,

"Ok, sure." He glanced around the room and then frowned, Alphonse knew he was waiting for him to get up.

Alphonse knew it was beyond stupid after what they'd done but he was not going to walk around naked, not feeling as insecure as he did,

"…could you pass me a shorts of loose pants please, just for now." He asked quietly.

He saw Edward's vague confusion but then the older blonde glanced at his own boxers and seemed to realize how Alphonse felt, so he walked to his wardrobes and pulled out a pair of his clean boxers.

He walked to the bed and held it out for Alphonse, the younger blonde pulled it under the blanket –stupidly- and shifted around until he got it around his waist, wincing and grimacing in the process because of his pained lower region before he finally mumbled a 'thanks'.

He tossed the blanket off of himself, shivering from the cold and he shifted over to the bed's edge and put his feet on the cold tiles. He glanced at his thighs as he stood up and grimaced at the visible white stains on his skin, he knew Edward could see them as well and he assumed it would only make Edward feel worse.

He looked up at Edward standing just a foot from him and tried – again- to smile for him but he couldn't manage it since Edward had just looked up from the stains on his thighs too. Alphonse just wanted to leave and hide his face so he tried to, stepping around the older man but Edward grabbed his wrist lightly to stop him.

He tensed –not wanting to face Edward right then- before slowly turning to face the older man, he didn't meet his eyes, he also dreaded hearing Edward's apologies.

He wasn't sorry for what they did, he was just sorry he'd forced Edward to do it.

Edward's fingers tightened on his wrist and his thumb brushed lightly against his skin,

"We could bath…together, if you want, Alphonse." The suggestion was so soft…and so sincere.

Alphonse felt shocked and confused, he looked at Edward with wide eyes, he almost couldn't believe what Edward had offered.

He'd been so sure the  **last**  thing Edward would want was any more nudity and closeness with him,

"R-really?" he nearly coughed because his throat was so dry.

Edward smiled almost sweetly,

"Yeah, come on."

Alphonse felt Edward's fingers slide from his wrist into his hand, their fingers interlocking as Edward led the way down the hall to the bathroom, the light was already on.

He went along, numbly…not sure he understood what was happening.

Edward had cried, he'd looked miserable and sad…yet he was behaving as though he were okay.

They walked inside and Edward closed the door after Alphonse stepped in. Edward walked over to the tub, leaning over to start the water running. Alphonse stood near the door and stared at Edward as he leaned over, he wasn't leering but he was very aware of his older brother's half nudity.

He couldn't help the sincere attraction he felt.

He knew it wasn't strange –aside from being brothers-that he wanted to touch and be close to Edward all the time, after all, he wanted them to be like lovers and if the older man were his lover –in every proper sense- he'd never be afraid to go up to Edward and slide his hand down the back of his toned thigh, or up over his rear…like he wanted to do right then.

And he was too confused about Edward's mood swings to even consider risking an intimate touch.

It was so fucked up, he couldn't stand it…they'd just done the most intimate thing two people could yet he didn't have the confidence to go near Edward because he had no idea what his brother was thinking.

He didn't know how Edward felt about what they'd done…it was messing with his already burning insides.

Edward had stood up while the sound of running water filled the space, steam started to rise into the air and it warmed the bathroom slowly. Alphonse remained standing where he was, legs pressed together and arms across his bare chest, he felt self-conscious and cold.

He was aware that Edward was frowning at him, then he heard a small sigh,

"Uh, right, you wanted to pee. I'll just…wait outside…" Edward walked toward him near the door.

Alphonse frowned, not wanting to be childish and push Edward away, he never wanted to push him away,

"You don't have to…it's not something we never ever did in front of each other…" he mumbled audibly and looked at Edward. The older blonde frowned sadly,

"Yeah but I don't want to make you uncomfortable, Alphonse." Edward spoke just above the noise of the water. Alphonse narrowed his eyes in irritation at him,

" **I**  don't want to make  **you**  uncomfortable." He frowned.

Edward frowned now too and he looked irritable as well as he blushed faintly,

"Alphonse,  **we just had sex**. You taking a piss in front of me isn't a big deal." He shook his head and placed his hands on his hips.

Edward had said it, openly and –as always- callously.

They'd just had sex…just about an hour ago…in the bedroom down the hall.

It felt distant for Alphonse.

Like what had happened between them was far from reality…

He glanced away from Edward, saw his pasty reflection and looked at the floor quickly, Alphonse knew pussy footing around it wasn't really any way to move past it which he assumed was Edward's intention and Edward didn't like to avoid issues, he always confronted them. The faster he could vent, the faster he'd be on his way to forgetting it ever happened…and Alphonse felt sick, sad and guilty about it but he wouldn't try to stop him.

He did still wonder why Edward would suggest they bath together, it was an intimacy.

A false intimacy but one never the less.

If he wanted to forget what they'd just done…then why suggest something like that.

He was too tired to question it though, so he just sighed quietly and walked to the toilet, he picked the lid and seat up and stared at the cistern as he relieved himself. Edward didn't stand around awkwardly, he went over to the bathtub, moved the water around to test the temperature and then closed the taps.

Alphonse flushed when he was done and put the lid and seat down out of habit, he went to the basin and washed his hands out of habit and then absently he glanced at his reflection…and this time he didn't look away. He stared…at the five –that he could see- little red and purple spots on his neck before he raised his hand to touch them but stopped and looked at Edward via the mirror when he spoke,

"Sorry, I…I tend to…bite." Edward gave him a little awkward grin.

Alphonse couldn't help smile slightly, it was just…so Edward, to say something like that.

"There…uh…are probably a few between your thighs as well." Edward said in a light, somewhat casual tone as he watched Alphonse through the mirror.

Alphonse's heart beat faster at the words and he felt a little swoon-ish because Edward was being so…normal?

No, not normal per say…it was just as if the fact that they'd had sex  _wasn't_  bothering him at all.

It confused Alphonse horribly, messing with his feelings…he was happy but unsure because he didn't know how he was supposed to respond…like a lover or a confused sibling.

What did Edward see him as now?

At his awkwardness Edward seemed to feel awkward,

"Uh, sorry…" he apologized and Alphonse wanted to tell him not too but he was still slightly thrown, "…we can get in…uh…" the older blonde gestured to the tub and Alphonse turned around, glanced at him and then the tub.

Edward – shocking Alphonse more and more- simply slipped his boxers down, took them off and tossed them into the wash basket. Alphonse blushed, not just because Edward was naked but because he wasn't the only one stained with the remnants of their sex.

Suddenly Alphonse felt like an idiot…and very much like an asshole for behaving like a child.

Edward was trying and succeeding to continue moving forward like they'd agreed in the beginning, he was accepting and almost normal about it but here Alphonse was, the one who had started all of this, being a jerk and not talking, being awkward, he knew he must be hurting Edward just by his actions alone and he didn't want that.

Edward stepped into the tub and Alphonse threw his insecurity to the wind and dropped the boxers, he tossed them into the wash basket and walked over to the bath. Edward stood slightly higher than him in the tub but then Alphonse stepped in and they stared at each other levelly for a second.

Once again Edward made the first move, he moved to sit down –so strangely okay with everything- and he leaned against the back end of the tub…parting his legs and gesturing for Alphonse to sit down between them. It was strange…and sweet and perfect and Alphonse started to feel emotional all over again as he slowly crouched down into the hot water, turning to face his back to Ed so he could sit between his bent legs.

He grimaced as he sat down, visibly wincing because it hurt to put pressure on his bottom.

He shivered pleasantly in the water and at the feeling of sitting back against Edward's chest and bare skin, the bath accommodated them just comfortably since they were both lean. As he lay back, resting his head more or less on Edward's shoulder, the older man pressed a kiss to his temple and then he ran his warm, wet hands back through Alphonse's short hair,

"When we're done bathing I'll get you some painkillers." Edward mumbled, Alphonse flushed a warm red and was feeling ridiculously pampered by the hands brushing hot water through his cold sweaty hair.

He almost blurted out 'why the hell are you being like this now' but managed to swallow the question.

He had no idea what was happening with Edward but he was starting to feel extremely clingy and needy all of a sudden, he could have sworn he was going to cry but he reined it in because it would only upset Edward.

"Okay…thank you." He said quietly.

"Does it hurt bad?" Edward mumbled against his hair and he closed his eyes.

"No…just a bit sore." It was the truth.

"That's good, it's not supposed to hurt really bad…or it means I fucked up." Ed sighed.

Alphonse sighed as well, frowning lightly,

"Why do you say things like that…?" he really wished Edward wouldn't be so down on himself all the time.

"Because I always fuck up, you know that." He dipped his hands back into the water.

Alphonse blinked his eyes open lazily as Edward ran his hands through his hair again,

"You didn't mess up…" Al shifted his feet together in the water, his legs were slightly bent up as well, "…it was incredible, it felt amazing Edward…thank you."

Edward's hands paused and then slowly moved to hold Al's upper arms, his voice was emotional when he spoke,

"…but, you didn't look happy about it Al. I thought you'd be happy." Edward said quietly.

Alphonse frowned, he'd known Edward would be hurt by his reaction earlier and the emotion in Ed's voice made Al's insides upset with guilt,  
"I…I am happy…I was also just…" he didn't know if he should get into all of his guilt right then, Edward just needed to know he was happy and it was so nice laying in the tub with him, "…I was just sad because we might never do it again." It wasn't a complete lie, just an omission of the full truth.

At some point he'd tell Edward, he just didn't want to ruin the moment.

He loved being so close, skin to skin with Edward…it felt right, even if it wasn't.

Edward was silent for a while before he spoke again,

"So…you don't regret it?" he asked with a sigh.

Alphonse leaned his head back and to the side to look at Edward's face,

"No, no of course not!" he couldn't believe Edward could be so daft, "Not for a second Edward, I just, I just wish it could have been different between us…" he never could keep secrets from Ed, "…I just wish I hadn't  _forced_  you." He swallowed sorely and turned his head back to look at the water lapping at his chest.

His eyes trailed to Edward's raised legs either side of him and since they were already naked in the bath together…he took a chance and slid his wet, warm palms up along Edward's thighs to his knees and let his arms rest along his older brother's thighs comfortably. He loved how closely they were pressed together in the small space of the tub, he was surrounded by Edward and warmth and it felt good…and safe.

Edward's hands squeezed his arms lightly,

"You didn't force me Alphonse, I took the pill, I promised you I'd do anyt-…"

Alphonse sighed and squeezed Ed's knees the same way,

" **Please**  stop saying that, it makes me feel worse…because it reminds me that you'll just do it because  **I**  want you to…not because  **you** want it. It just reminds me…" he clenched his teeth, "…that you don't want any of this. I don't even know why we're in the bath together…Edward I don't know what you're thinking." he felt his upset come to the surface and he sat forward quickly, drawing his knees up to his chest and holding himself underneath his thighs, his movements disturbed the water noisily.

"Al, I-…"

Alphonse huffed, shaking his head and pressing his forehead to his knees,

"I don't want you to apologize anymore, it's the same thing, you're sorry about everything, you regret everything and I just keep forcing things on y-…"

"Alphonse." Edward's voice was firmer and slightly louder in the silence, making Al force himself to listen, "…I don't…I don't regret it."

It hurt the most because the words were soft and actually sounded sincere…

Alphonse shut his eyes tightly and pressed his forehead against his knees, Ed couldn't see his face or he would have hated the hurt look,

"Edward… **don't**  lie to me, that's even worse because no matter what I say or how I apologize I can't take  **any**  of it back…and fuck…Edward I don't  **want**  to take it back." The younger blonde felt tears burn his eyes, his voice straining and he couldn't help a choked sob as his guilt and want conflicted painfully within him.

He shivered when Edward's hands touched his sides, holding his naked waist lightly,

"I'm not lying, Alphonse." Edward insisted quietly.

"Then why were you cry-ing!" He demanded loudly in the quiet bathroom and hated that he sobbed the last word. Alphonse hugged himself tighter as his frame started to shake with his quiet sobs.

Edward didn't answer, instead he asked in a shaken voice,

"Why were you?"

Alphonse narrowed his eyes, raised his head and glared at the taps,

"...I already told you."

"…you looked hurt Alphonse, not just sad, I'm not stupid. I know there's something else." Edward informed him plainly, his voice consistently quiet and his hands –for some reason Alphonse couldn't fathom- were lightly and gently sliding along his naked sides.

It felt so comforting but  **so damn**  confusing.

Alphonse frowned, there really was no point keeping it from Edward,

"It just wasn't…what I expected." He whispered against his knees, "I thought it'd be more…I don't know…" he frowned and blinked, a few more tears slipped over his cheeks.

"Sex is hardly ever like a fantasy Alphonse…still I'm sorry if I disappointed you." Edward mumbled quietly and his hands finally withdrew.

Alphonse panicked inwardly and his wet eyes widened, he hadn't meant it that way!

Alphonse turned around as best as he could in the tub so he could look at Edward, tears in his eyes as he shook his head firmly,

"Not you! I don't mean you weren't…" Al blushed and lowered his gaze to Edward's chest, unable to look into his calm but sad face as he took a shaken breath, "Like I said Edward, you were incredible, it felt better than anything I imagined and I…" he blushed darker, "I've never felt so good before, I  **loved**  being like that with you…it was just…the circumstances, the way **I**  made it happen…" he shook his head, looking up into Edward's lightly frowning face, "…I forced this on you, you said you didn't want to, you told me honestly and still I went through all this trouble even though I knew th-…"

"Alphonse…" Edward's voice was soft and so was his expression, "…don't, just don't do that. I agreed to do this and we can't take it back. There's no point in looking at it like that. All I wanted…the reason I was crying Al, is because I just  **needed**  to know that you are happy, that you're okay and that you don't…that you don't hate me or regret it…as long as I know I didn't hurt you…I'll be okay…" his voice was waning with emotion as he trailed off and looked at the water in the space between his legs, he sniffed and pushed his bangs behind his ears with shaking wet hands.

Alphonse was shaking his head,

"I don't…I swear Ed I don't, I never will." Alphonse was still taking in Edward's words, it wasn't so much that he was saying he forgave Alphonse, he was saying that there was nothing to forgive. Like every mistake they'd ever made, they did it together and this one was no different, "I want to be like this with you, every day. If you can be with me like this…only if it doesn't  **hurt** you Edward, because I'm so tired of hurting you." he did his best to slide forward in the water and lower his head to see his older brother's face, his words and his tone were desperate.

Edward looked at him and raised a wet hand, he touched it lightly to Alphonse's chin and nodded,

"Yeah…" he sniffed and smiled faintly, "…it doesn't hurt me Al, I can…I think I really can be with you like this." His voice was incredibly sincere and laced with emotion.

Alphonse stopped breathing for a second, wondering if Edward was saying he felt something…

Alphonse's lips trembled as tears slipped from his eyes, tears of happiness and relief, right before he leaned forward and kissed Edward…and the older blonde kissed him back, slow and meaningful, both of them sniffing.

Sleeping together had dissolved their sense of relation, they were lost to their familial blood ties, they were no longer just brothers and they wouldn't ever be again, Alphonse understood everything so much clearer now.

They kissed deeply, slowly Alphonse turned onto his front and rested his weight against Edward's upper body, slipping his arms around Ed's waist under the water so they slipped slightly lower in the water and Alphonse shivered when Edward's hands slid into his wet hair.

It was scary and perfect, he could almost completely believe that Edward wanted this as much as he did.

Alphonse became aware –as he lay between Edward's legs pressed against his body- that the older man was starting to get aroused, much like himself. Their wet skin, their wet kisses, the hot water…their emotional states…

…but Alphonse didn't get excited about it. He knew that the Sildenafil would be in Edward's system for a few hours still, which would make getting an erection very easy. Of course he took some comfort in knowing Edward was still turned on by him.

He was also a little upset that he was so sore, he'd been hoping –before they'd done it- that he would get more than one time out of it, but he hadn't known better. Still, he was hard and warm and Edward's skin was so hot and so slick against his –he wondered if maybe he could take the pain- he drew back from the kiss and started to place kisses down Edward's neck, down to his chest.

He glanced up at Edward, seeing he was slightly flush, his gaze half lidded and thoughtful as he watched Alphonse, the younger blonde leaned his chin on Edward's chest,

"What's wrong?"

Edward blinked and glanced at the wall and then back at him,

"…w-we can't do it again, Al. I'm sorry, I know you probably wanted to because of the drug wearing off…but you, I can't…you'd be…" Alphonse nodded and Edward frowned apologetically.

Alphonse sighed quietly,

"I know, I did want to…but that was before…when I didn't know it was going to leave me…sore."

They both blushed slightly and after a moment of silence Edward used his hands to gesture that Alphonse turn around and lay back against him, so the younger did, once again relaxing against his older brother's chest.

He hadn't forgotten how thinking of Edward as 'brother' had turned him on, but that was something he'd keep to himself, what Edward didn't know wouldn't hurt or upset him.

And he was tired of hurting Edward.

Alphonse inhaled quietly when Edward's arms slipped around his waist and his hands smoothed along Al's inner thighs, his fingers lingering over some of the tiny red blood clots he'd made with his teeth as Edward leaned his head against Al's. Alphonse was aware of Edward's erection pressed into his back and his own laying against his stomach, Edward's hands were provoking his arousal but he didn't want to start something that they couldn't finish the way he wanted it to.

Besides…it felt very intimate to lay and be touched that way, even without anything else happening.

Eventually Edward's hands slipped back into the water and he removed his arms from around Al's waist, raising them to rest across Alphonse's chest in a loose hug and the older blonde kissed his hair,

"Edward…" Al closed his eyes and brought his hands out of the water to hold Edward's forearms.

"Hm?"

"Did you…did you enjoy it?" he braced himself for the answer frowning lightly, "Did you enjoy having sex with me?" he mostly expected one of Ed's neutral answers about having done it for him.

If they never got to sleep together again, he'd at least like to know how Edward truly felt about it.

Even if he liked the illusion, in the end the truth was always better.

Edward was quiet for a long time, Alphonse listened to and felt the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed quietly…and after minutes passed without an answer Alphonse squeezed his forearms lightly,

"It's fine if you didn't, in the romantic sense…" he knew Edward had orgasmed, so he obviously enjoyed it physically, "…I was just curious." He mumbled.

Edward still didn't say anything, he just tightened his arms around Alphonse's shoulders and the younger blonde accepted his own assumption as the truth, it made enough sense.

It did hurt just a little but he wasn't going to expect anymore, Edward had done enough for him and now he would do his best to make his brother happy…by loving him and smiling for him and appreciating him from the very depths of his soul.

"Thank you Edward." He said quietly and Edward just kissed his ear and exhaled quietly against his skin.

They lay that way for a little while longer before they finally decided to wash themselves off, they stood up, drained the bath water and ran the shower hot. This time was different in the shower together, Edward was comfortable and Alphonse was even more so than the first time…

…he truly understood better now what Edward had meant by saying having sex would change them, every brush of skin was sensitive yet almost natural, in a way two brothers should never feel comfortable touching.

He helped unbraid Edward's wet hair before he lathered soap over the older man's back, while Edward washed his hair…and Edward…Edward was even sexier when he was comfortable.

Alphonse shivered every time Edward touched him, when Edward returned the gesture, lathering soap over his back and front while standing behind him. Their bodies touching in intimate places no longer bothered Edward, his lingering erection –which would be on and off for a while- pressed against Alphonse's buttocks when Edward reached passed him to adjust the water temperature…

…and he had to stop himself from moaning or making an embarrassing sound, he felt so immature next to Edward.

It was odd…almost as if they were in the opposite frame of mind.

Although Alphonse wasn't uncomfortable like Edward had been originally, he was just extra sensitive and overly aware, whereas Edward handled the closeness without much notice.

Maybe it was a bad thing, maybe Edward was still apathetic…

Despite the new comfort, they still didn't wash each other privately, but the entire affair had been pleasant and by the end when they were clean and finally ready to leave the shower Alphonse couldn't help but steal a kiss –like he'd wanted to the first time they showered together- and Edward kissed him back, as he always did.

When they parted Alphonse couldn't keep the emotion out of his voice,

"Thank you, Edward."

"Stop saying that…" Edward shook his head slightly as he reached around Alphonse to turn the water off. Alphonse watched as he gathered his long hair and squeezed water out of it before turning to pull the shower curtain back, Edward stepped out of the tub onto the cold tiles and stepped to the rack to grab two clean towels before he handed one to the younger blonde.

After they'd left the bathroom, dried off and dressed in fresh sleeping clothes, Alphonse offered to change the bedding and Edward went through to the kitchen saying he'd make sandwiches.

Alphonse pulled the blanket off the bed once Edward left the room, honestly he was expecting to see blood because it had hurt when the older man initially penetrated him and hurt worse right at the end…but there was none. He raised his eyebrows and started pulling the stained sheet off the bed and dropped it on the floor with the blanket.

As he gathered up the pillow cases into the small pile of bedding at his feet, he made a mental note to take it to a laundromat and wash it himself…and he also mentally thanked Edward for knowing what he was doing sexually, of course he had no intention of actually thanking Edward. He wasn't all that thrilled that the older blonde had even done it before with another man.

He frowned as he gathered up the bedding and left the room to go to the bathroom, he smiled at CookieBoots who was laying in the hall half asleep and then stepped into the bathroom, he paused to look at Edward who had tidied the counter top and was about to put the two bottles of half used lube into the medicine cabinet.

They both blushed and Edward continued to place them side by side before he closed the cabinet,

"Don't want to leave em lying around…" he mumbled.

Alphonse walked over to the washing basket and pressed the bedding onto the half full pile already in it before he turned to face Edward who was washing his hands, wearing a sleeping shirt and pajama pants the same as Alphonse was,

"Yeah, I completely forgot about that…" he admitted and Edward shrugged then moved to leave the bathroom while drying his hands on his shirt, "…Ed?" Alphonse hated that he was curious enough to ask.

Edward stopped in the door way and raised his eyebrows in question.

Alphonse blushed, suddenly feeling stupid,

"Uh…I was just wondering…about who…exactly it is…that you, you know…what guy did you sleep with like…we did?" he glanced around awkwardly before meeting Edward's eyes.

The older blonde didn't seem fazed by the question,

"Oh, it's not really anyone specific. It's just people I've had…uh, sex with." He blinked.

Alphonse stared at him, feeling oddly annoyed,

"You've done it more than once, with a man?"

Edward sighed and ran his hand through his damp bangs, his wet hair was tied back as usual,

"Why does it matter, Alphonse?"

The younger blonde shrugged but his frown betrayed his nonchalance,

"I'm just curious, you just seemed to know what you were doing." He admitted.

Edward still didn't have any defining facial expression,

"Yeah I guess, it's not like I'm an expert or anything." He turned and left the bathroom.

Alphonse followed him, feeling more annoyed at Edward's continued vagueness on the subject,

"Have you done it both ways, top and bottom?" he followed Edward to the kitchen.

"Alphonse." Edward used his 'we're not discussing this' tone of voice.

"You don't want to tell me?" he stopped in the doorway of the kitchen, frowning at the yellow-ish dim light compared to the bathroom, while Edward went to the stove and took the steaming kettle off the hot plate,

"No, I don't. It's not your business." He said casually, in the way only Edward could –rude but in a polite tone.

Alphonse felt more irritated,

"You used to tell me everything." He mumbled and moved to sit down at the kitchen table while Edward took bread out for sandwiches,

"That was different Al, we weren't adults with personal lives then, something's don't need to be shared." Edward said evenly as he dug a knife out of a drawer.  
"Even between brothers…" Al said without thinking, annoyed at Edward's dismissal of his misplaced jealousy.

He regretted it when Edward immediately tensed and he frowned sadly,

"Sorry…"

Edward just sighed and moved on to take cheese out of the fridge,

"It's no one you know or anything, I've never slept with anyone you know." He added after a moment.

"Not even Winry." Alphonse was on a role for saying stupid things and this time Edward actually turned to look at him, expression annoyed,

"No Alphonse, I've never slept with Winry."

Even though Edward was angry…the answer still made Alphonse feel better and he nodded sheepishly.

He supposed he shouldn't be surprised by his older brother's experiences, Edward had done some short travelling during his free-lance work after the military, he'd had some lady friends in Risembool too and then he'd been in Creta for two years and while Alphonse was still learning his new body in the past four years, Edward had had his for years, confident and sure of himself.

When he thought about it, he knew that he had been the reason Edward hadn't started getting involved with girls at 14 and 15 like most other boys…and the older man hadn't ever complained.

So he supposed when they'd finally reached their goal and restored his body…at almost eighteen years old Edward had finally been able to venture out and get a sex life.

He stood up when he was reminded of how much he loved Edward all over again and walked around the table to his older brother, he took the grater and piece of cheese from Edward, bumping him to the side lightly,

"Let me make the sandwiches and stuff…" he mumbled as he took over where Edward left off.

The older man made a face,

"Why, I can make sandwiches just fine?"

Alphonse turned to look at him and smiled genuinely happy,

"Because I want to okay Ed, just go relax and I'll bring it to you." And he smiled wider when Edward's expression softened and he smiled back.

All Edward asked for were smiles and Alphonse would gladly smile for him.

* * *

The Sunday that followed was oddly quiet and normal.

If just a little bit worrying and embarrassing. Alphonse had discovered some blood on his boxer briefs that morning when he woke up and went to shower and he'd blushed like a teenage girl who just started menstruating and didn't know what to do. He'd hovered in the bathroom for a half hour before finally showering, then he'd dressed and went about the morning with Edward –kisses and breakfast- as if everything were fine.

Then Edward went to shower and he ran to his own bedroom to check his underwear…and was pleased to see everything was in fact fine and bloodless. He knew how the body worked and had expected some blood –even if he'd had a mild panic attack about it that morning- but now he felt better because it wasn't serious, just normal. He still blushed though.

Presently, Alphonse found that just sitting on the couch and reading while Edward had gone out to buy fresh bread was about as normal as it got. The atmosphere was strangely relaxed, considering everything that had happened the night before…in a lot of ways, aside from the moderate ache he still felt, it almost felt like it had been a dream.

All the kissing, touching, sweating skin and contact…almost felt like it hadn't happened for real. He didn't like that the emotions he'd been feeling had dulled the experience for him, there had been too much going on in his head to really focus on and commit everything to memory the way he would have liked.

But then again…it had been doomed from the start.

He sighed and leaned his head on the couch back.

Even it felt like a dream…it had happened, the ache he felt and the red spots marring his pale skin was evidence that it had been real. Edward had really touched him and been inside of him…and it made him smile to think of it, feeling warmly aroused whenever he did and he'd even shiver lightly…which he'd been doing a lot of all day and right then as he pretended to read.

He also thought lovingly about how Edward had held him in the bath, touched his naked body so naturally…

It was almost exactly like he wanted it to be, almost...

But at least it happened, he'd always have that memory however dull…he'd had sex with his older brother and he was happy that there didn't seem to be any severe mental consequences, not for either of them. Then again, he didn't exactly know what Edward was thinking half the time, the older man had been so passive for so long he wondered if he could really tell if Edward was hurting or different somehow.

Even if Edward said he was fine, Alphonse knew how the older blonde would lie to protect him.

For that reason he didn't feel completely fulfilled because even though he'd gotten his wish physically, he hadn't gotten it emotionally, Edward hadn't felt like he did about it and Al's guilt lingered.

Alphonse frowned when he heard CookieBoots meowing and making playing sounds, he closed his book and stood up, he left the book on the coffee table and walked into the hall and then to his bedroom.

The room was cold and mostly unused by him, it was really CookieBoots bedroom now…and said kitten was hanging from the curtain and looked wide eyed at being caught out, Alphonse's eyes widened and he quickly rushed over and detached the kitten from the curtain with a huff,

"Edward will throw you out if you keep this up…" he mumbled against the kittens head before placing it down on the floor gently.

He sighed, clapped his hands and touched them to the curtain, easily repairing the damage made in the material. He frowned as the crackles and static of the transmutation faded, Alphonse wondered about Edward…and his alchemy. Since before they left Risembool, actually farther back, when they first arrived in Risembool…and even now the weeks past they'd been living in Central, every time a glass or plate broke, something got damaged and needed fixing…Edward would leave it aside until Alphonse saw it and would fix it.

The same thing had happened with the cracked soap dish in the bath –from where Alphonse had fallen- Edward hadn't even attempted to fix it, Alphonse had eventually done it.

He'd long suspected that Edward had sworn off alchemy…but it had been so long, would Edward really never use his alchemy again? Alchemy had been like air to his older brother…it was kind of sad to think he'd never use it again as some sort of personal punishment.

He sighed as he walked away from the curtain thinking that Edward was a difficult and stubborn person to deal with on his best day. He walked over to his built in wardrobes, the doors were standing open and it looked untidy so he neatened the hangers, refolded some clean clothes and started to close his drawers but just before he could close his underwear drawer he spotted the other blue Sildenafil pill in the front corner.

Alphonse stared at it for a moment and then reached in and picked it up.

The temptation was strong…he knew if he wanted Edward would take it and it would be their second time and he could hope –like he always did- that maybe it'd be better and mean more than the first time.

He closed his hand around the pill and thought about his older brother, his kisses, his body, his selflessness, his love…

He'd given it all to Alphonse, it had been hard for him but he'd done it anyway, even though he hadn't had to or wanted to. He could have said no, just no…and Alphonse would have stayed with him anyway. Edward had known that when he'd taken the pill, Alphonse had already promised never to leave him…

…and Alphonse had also made another promise.

He pushed the drawer closed and walked out of his bedroom, he glanced at CookieBoots rolling around in the hall, smiled and then walked to the bathroom. He stepped inside, pushing the door but not closing it, he walked over to the mirror and glanced at himself.

He looked well, a little tired but well. He was almost at his best weight for his height and build, he knew he could use more sparring time to get back into A grade shape though, his appetite was back…and Edward was better as well.

They were happy…as happy as they could be as a pair of incestuous brothers.

The sickness, the moral corruption…it didn't matter when they were alone. Edward had still kissed him that morning, Edward had talked and behaved normally all through breakfast, Edward still smiled at him…Edward still loved him.

He squeezed the pill.

Yes, sex was all that would be missing from their new relationship…could he live with that?

Alphonse opened his hand and smiled at the pill, remembering what he'd promised Edward, that if he couldn't do it naturally after the first time, then at least they'd have that one time.

He walked to the toilet and lifted the lid up,

 _'I won't force him again…ever.'_  He thought with a content sigh and dropped the pill into the toilet, it hit the water with a small 'plip' and he watched it sink to the bottom of the toilet bowl, slipping slowly inward along the incline to the lowest point.

He'd never get his hands on Sildenafil that easily again…and yet he felt no regret.

"Alphonse." He turned to the door to see Edward push the door inward, "Oh sorry…didn't know you were busy…" Edward moved to close the door.

Alphonse closed the toilet lid,

"No, it's fine…I'm done…" he flushed the toilet and then walked to the basin, deciding to go with Edward's assumption he'd been urinating to avoid questions.

"I didn't hear you come back…" Al closed the taps then looked at Edward where he leaned in the doorway, resting some of his weight on the handle where his hand still was,

"I thought you might be napping or something so I came in quietly. Hey uh…" Alphonse finished drying his hands and walked toward the door, Edward shifted back out into the hall, "…Mustang called when I was on my way out earlier."

Alphonse hated the slightly sick feeling he got at the mention of that man's name, he hadn't seen Mustang since Gracia's and the last look he'd received had been somewhat hostile,

"What does he want?" he narrowed his eyes.

He was surprised when Edward shrugged and smiled, slipping his hands into his jeans pockets,

"Don't worry about him Al, I don't think he suspects anything and besides we're both looking…normal again, so he has nothing to be a bastard about or ask questions about." The older blonde turned and walked down the hall toward the lounge and Alphonse followed, wondering when Edward had decided Mustang wasn't a threat?

_"Did I miss something?'_

"Okay…so what did he want then?" He asked again, crossing his arms over his chest when they entered the lounge, Edward walked around and sat down heavily in his usual place and leaned in the direction of the fire, putting his socked feet up on the dark wood coffee table with a 'thunk' from his automail,

"He invited us to a New Year's party tonight…I actually forgot it was the 31st today…" he ran his hand over his ponytail absently, Alphonse liked that habit.

He frowned at Edward's words though,

"Doesn't the work year start tomorrow, it's Monday." He walked over and sat in the seat next to Ed, turning his head to look at his older brother.

Edward glanced at him, leaning his elbow on the arm rest,

"Yeah I asked him about that, but he'll still be celebrating the New Year, I don't think he cares about having a hangover tomorrow…"

Alphonse stared at Edward and realized something,

"You…want to go?'

Edward looked up from picking cat hair off the arm rest,

"…I don't want to, not really. But I think we should, the more we avoid people we used to know the more strange it'll seem. We're both young and…uh, single…people know us that way, it's conspicuous to be so isolated and whatever." He sighed and Alphonse knew he was right even though he loathed the word 'single' coming from Edward's mouth, "I don't think it'll be too bad, we'll go late, maybe around 10 pm and then we'll stay till just after midnight. Have a few drinks, talk to whoever we know…and then leave." He was looking at Alphonse now with a raised eyebrow.

Alphonse resisted the urge to scoot closer and kiss Edward possessively, he sighed and leaned back,

"Yeah…I guess we should. Where's the party happening, is it going to be military people?" he mumbled, not interested in the least but if Edward wanted to go, then he'd go.

"Mustang said it's a New Year's venue, it's happening at some club…he gave me the address…" Edward shifted and stuck his hand into his pocket to retrieve a piece of paper, "…uh…Red Velvet Nightclub, 427 Chapman Boulevard, Main Central District." He read off the tiny note pad paper and dropped his hand back into his lap

Alphonse sighed again,

"Ed, that's Central's party strip…it's probably where all the New Year's venues are happening."

"Isn't that better then…" Edward sounded like he thought it was, "…it won't be like a personal close get together and anyone who knows us will be good and pissed by the time we show up." he reasoned.

Alphonse knew that Edward wanted to go, it sounded like he did so the younger blonde smiled,

"Yeah, that's true…sure we'll go." He nodded.

Edward smiled back and Alphonse felt happy and sad at the older man's interest in going out and partying,

"Who knows Al, might be fun." Edward stuffed the paper back into his pocket and then stood up, "I'ma make some coffee, you want anything?" he asked as he walked to the hall.

"No, thanks." Alphonse said still smiling and then sighed quietly when Edward turned into the hall and he averted his gaze to the single couch where CookieBoots had settled and was grooming himself.

To Alphonse it didn't sound like it'd be fun, it sounded like there'd be alcohol, Roy Mustang, Jean Havoc and probably a variety of soldier loving, touchy feely females.

And Edward was the well-known 'single' former Major and Fullmetal Alchemist, which never failed to garner attention to his popular and far too attractive older brother.

No, Alphonse didn't think the night would be fun at all.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Snow Patrol

 

 

__

  
_I'll sing it one last time for you_  
_Then we really have to go_  
_You've been the only thing that's right_  
_In all I've done_

  
_And I can barely look at you_  
_But every single time I do_  
_I know we'll make it anywhere_  
_Away from here_

  
_To think I might not see those eyes_  
_Makes it so hard not to cry_  
_And as we say our long goodbye_  
_I nearly do_

  
_Light up, light up_  
_As if you have a choice_  
_Even if you cannot hear my voice_  
_I'll be right beside you dear_

  
_Louder louder_  
_And we'll run for our lives_  
_I can hardly speak I understand_  
_Why you can't raise your voice to say_

  
_Slower slower_  
_We don't have time for that_  
_All I want's to find an easy way_  
_To get out of our little heads_

  
_Have heart, my dear_  
_We're bound to be afraid_  
_Even if it's just for a few days_  
_Making up for all this mess_

* * *

Edward was glad it was over and would probably never happen again…

…because he was scared…shitless.

He'd known all along that he was scared to have sex with his brother, he'd worried that he'd lose his mind, that he'd resent Alphonse, that he'd not be able to keep himself from being physically sick which would hurt his younger brother…he'd been scared of many possibilities…but this one was probably the worst and the one he'd thought of the least.

Not because he hadn't thought it was likely…but because it scared him the most.

The possibility that if he had sex with Alphonse, he might just  **like**  it.

It was too fucked up, so fucked up it did succeed in making him nauseous and for a long time as he lay holding Alphonse in his bed, in a bedroom that stank of sex and was cold and silent…he kept swallowing down the rushes of saliva to his mouth. It wasn't Alphonse that made him sick…it was himself.

Edward had known he would do it, he'd known that if Alphonse wanted to sleep together and he could, he would. But he hadn't anticipated his reactions during the act…he couldn't believe he'd  _asked_  his younger brother to let him  _come_  and then he'd used his younger brother's body selfishly and…he'd tainted Alphonse.

All along Alphonse had wanted it…but Edward shouldn't have allowed it. He was the older brother, he was supposed to be the strong one…

He'd closed his eyes to many tears as he lay holding Alphonse...holding him felt almost necessary.

After what he'd done he just wanted to be close…he wanted to know that Alphonse was okay.

Because Alphonse was crying so quietly and Edward knew he didn't want him to notice but how could he not, he was pressed against Alphonse…he could feel every slight vibration and shiver through his frame as he cried.

Edward wondered if maybe it was because he was touching Alphonse that he was crying.

He panicked slightly and squeezed his eyes shut, pressing his forehead against the back of the younger blonde's neck,

' _No…that wouldn't make sense, Alphonse said he wanted this, he's wanted this for weeks…'_  he frowned, reasoning with himself. Earlier he'd seen sadness, hurt and some frustration in Alphonse's face when he'd been crying, he knew he could be reading it wrong…but he knew Alphonse really well.

He could usually tell what he was thinking or feeling by the tone of his voice, he'd not  _seen_  resentment, anger or regret in his brother's wet eyes…he hoped he hadn't missed anything because if Alphonse regretted what had happened between them, Edward didn't know if he'd be able to handle the guilt.

He thought about it rationally as he lay there unable to sleep while Alphonse cried and shivered silently in his arms, the possibility of the younger blonde regretting it was too slim. Edward blushed as he thought about Alphonse's demeanor all through it, he'd been thoroughly enjoying it and Edward could tell simply by the noises he'd been making, even besides his words of encouragement…also by how intense his orgasm had been…

He continued to blush as he thought about right up until after the orgasm…Alphonse had been fine, he'd been caressing his back and it had felt good…because Edward had still been sensitive and in need of release, those perfect smooth hands had felt like encouragement in his weakened aroused state –he grimaced with self-loathing- but the train of thought led him to the answer.

It was at the moment when Edward had asked…if he could finish, that Alphonse's face had changed and he'd looked surprised and sad.

Edward sighed quietly through his nose…he felt even worse now. He should have stopped after Alphonse finished, he hadn't had to finish himself...it hadn't been about him, but the sex…had been damn good and Edward had really wanted to…

He clenched his jaw and frowned at the intense wave of nausea that followed his perverse inner admission,

' _I probably ruined the entire thing for him…'_

For a moment he felt like the nausea might get the better of him, so he slowly slipped his arm from around Alphonse's naked waist and sat up, putting his legs over the bed's edge from under the blanket and then he stood up. He ignored the cold tile under his flesh foot and turned around to tuck the blanket back against Alphonse's back…even though Edward knew he was awake.

He squinted in the dark at his clothes on the floor and picked up his boxers, pulling them up quickly before he made his way quietly out of the bedroom and down the dark hall, into the bathroom, once inside he pushed the door almost closed before he switched on the light.

Edward closed his eyes against the bright light, he'd been laying in the dark for so long it hurt his eyes. He blinked a few times until it stopped being too much of a pain and then he slowly pushed his tangled bangs back behind his ears with a sniff, trying to determine if he really needed to throw up…which he would do as quietly as possible…

He didn't want to imagine how hurt Alphonse would be if he vomited after they'd just slept together, even if his reasons for it had nothing to do with the younger blonde…not directly anyway.

This nausea was about his own feelings…

All along, from the beginning it had been about doing all of it to make Alphonse happy…the kisses, the touches, the sex…but then he'd seen his brother's beauty and his sexuality first hand…

He'd never been meant to see it, it wasn't natural that a brother would ever see that side of a sibling but he had and he couldn't have helped wanting it…not in the moment, not when Alphonse had been breathing out his name amidst incoherent moans, clinging to him and kissing him so desperately.

It had been given to him…Alphonse had wanted him to have it.

He placed his hand on his stomach as the nausea arose again, he just hoped that like it had passed before, it would do so now. He was certain his emotional reaction was just a setback to how good he'd been feeling, it was just because of what he'd just done, it was still raw and fresh in his mind.

Still, the reaction wasn't like it'd been in the beginning where he was distraught with misery and pain, Edward knew somehow that he'd be okay, mostly because he'd made the conscious decision to do this and he'd accepted it, there would be no getting ill from it.

At least not physically.

Aside from the nausea of his completely immoral sexual interest in his own brother and guilt of ruining Alphonse's…experience, he didn't actually feel much different.

Edward walked over to the toilet, lifted the lid and seat and relieved himself, he noticed the smeared faint white residue on his stomach and on his sex and he shut his eyes against the sudden burn of guilty tears. He'd been pretty emotional earlier but he'd since calmed down, still it wasn't easy to stop himself from crying…and he hated crying.

When he was finished he flushed and walked away…then stopped, turned back and put the seat and lid down because Alphonse always said 'mother taught us better than that, brother'. He smiled slightly when he thought of how he and Alphonse had been just some years ago, both when Alphonse was still in armor and afterwards when he'd first had his body back.

He laughed quietly with wet eyes while washing his hands, remembering Alphonse's face when he'd bitten into a lemon for the first time, just to know what it tasted like since he'd never tasted lemons as a boy. It had been hilarious…

Alphonse had laughed as well after he'd gotten passed making a face , it was such a rich sound, it had sounded foreign to Edward's ears after so many years of hearing it distorted by the empty armor, tinny and hollow.

He remembered hugging Alphonse in that moment, the younger blonde had been sitting in a chair at the kitchen table and it'd been a completely natural action for Edward to walk around the table from where he'd been standing, put his arms around his younger brother's shoulders, to say 'I love you Al' and give him a tight squeeze. Winry had been smiling, happy for them and Den's tail had been wagging…Alphonse had said 'I love you too, brother but I don't think I like lemons very much' with a smile on his face and Edward had been happier than ever…

It was so different now.

Now when Alphonse said 'I love you' it meant something so entirely different.

Now…being brothers meant nothing.

He blinked and quickly turned off the taps which had been running idly while he'd been lost in thought, there was a sigh on his chest but he shook his head and took a breath instead. It didn't matter about the past, he knew his focus had to remain in the present.

They'd crossed so many lines now their human transmutation fuck up seemed like a joke.

Edward was dealing relatively well with his emotions, Alphonse wasn't.

He didn't like to see Alphonse cry and he –as always- was the cause of it. So he had to fix it but while the last two times when Al had fallen apart it'd been because he was unsure, insecure and brimming with self-loathing and pointless apologies, this time he wasn't completely sure what Alphonse was feeling.

He could be angry, he could have decided he didn't like sleeping with another man, he could be upset because there was a high possibility that they would never sleep together again…and worst case scenario…he could regret having done it in the first place.

Edward did sigh now, staring at his sex worn and slightly pallid, exhausted reflection in the mirror, he'd seen himself after sex before so his appearance didn't bother him.

It was nothing a hot bath to soak his sore muscles in and some food couldn't fix, deciding that was the best course of action for himself, he dabbed his still damp hands on the hand towel absently and then tried to figure out what to do about Alphonse.

He knew he shouldn't leave the younger blonde alone and honestly he didn't want to, he needed to be close to Alphonse after what had happened, he almost craved it. It was like he needed to replace what he'd lost of his brother by filling his personal space with Alphonse –in whatever form he could be had- and in this case it was as a lover.

And Edward would take it because he needed Alphonse.

Alphonse was his younger brother…he was all Edward had left.

The Gate hadn't been able to keep him from the older blonde and Edward would have given up far more than a limb and his alchemy to get him back…

…and so they had to keep moving forward, as lovers like Alphonse wanted.

Edward took a deep breath and pulled the bathroom door open so he could walk out and as he approached the bedroom he couldn't help but think,

'… _I just hope we can never ever have sex again.'_  because to him defiling Alphonse that way and  _enjoying_ it was the worst thing he could ever do to his younger brother.

As he stepped into the bedroom he glanced at Alphonse and saw him sitting up, looking as though he was about to get out of the bed, he wasn't surprised since he'd known the younger blonde hadn't been asleep all this time, still he asked whether Alphonse had slept at all to fill the deafening quiet and he switched the bedroom light on to get rid of the cold darkness.

And then he saw what his younger brother looked like after sex and it stirred something dirty within him…he clenched his jaw and was grateful Alphonse wasn't looking at him because he grimaced at the intense guilt he felt for being the one responsible for his mussed hair, the exhaustion on his face, his slightly swollen lips, red hikkies on his neck and worst of all…his swollen eyes and the tear tracks on his cheeks.

He heard Alphonse mumble that he couldn't sleep, sounding very tired and they finally looked directly at each other, Edward sighed quietly at the ache in his left leg, wanting to get under some really hot water...and then a thought occurred to him. He looked over Alphonse from where he stood and knew he probably wanted to get in some hot water too, he couldn't be feeling any less sticky and cold than Edward.

' _Maybe he'd want to bath together, he's always saying how he wants to be close to me…and I want to be close to him too right now…'_  he frowned lightly, it wasn't the same as innocently being close to one another, but there was no innocence left between them, naked in a bed or naked in a bath…made no difference at this point.

He'd been  _inside_  of his brother's body, there was absolutely no physical closeness that would top that anymore. Like he'd expected…the physical relationship was completely new, Alphonse's body would feel as familiar as his own…more so because they were…brothers…

It was so twisted.

He swallowed sorely,

"You…uh…" Edward paused when Alphonse looked sidelong at him, expression cold and his suggestion stuck in his throat, he wondered again if maybe he was  **wrong**  and Alphonse didn't want to be anywhere near him, "…do you want to, take a…bath…first?" he offered instead.

Alphonse looked like he considered it but then he shook his head tiredly,

"No…you can go first, I just need to pee first." He said quietly.

Edward nodded and he looked away from Alphonse, feeling anxious at his younger brother's coldness, there was nothing about him that seemed emotional right then, he just sounded flat and inert.

Edward frowned when he noticed Alphonse hadn't moved to get up and go to the bathroom, so he looked questioningly at him where he still sat in the bed…and then Alphonse asked for shorts to wear.

Edward felt a small rise of panic, the request raised the possibility that Alphonse didn't want to be close to him…or naked in front of him…

…then again…he looked at himself wearing his shorts and he supposed it could be that  **he** was making Alphonse self-conscious.

He walked over to his untidy wardrobes, telling himself to stop over thinking everything as he pulled out a clean pair of his boxers. He knew that the chances of Alphonse wanting nothing to do with him were low, it would be a complete change from what he'd been wanting all along…and logic dictated there would have signs of that sort of emotional regression  _during_  the sex, and there hadn't been so Alphonse was, in all probability, upset about something else.

Edward was getting a headache, it was not normal for him to be trying to analyze emotional variables, he was a scientist…not a shrink. He walked over to the bed and handed Alphonse the shorts, watching with a frown as he –childishly- shimmied it on under the blankets.

If it were under different circumstances Edward would have smacked him upside his head.

But as it were, he just stepped back as Alphonse removed the blankets from his lower half and slid off the bed. He glanced down when he saw Alphonse hesitate to stand, looking down as well…and when Alphonse did finally stand he saw the faint residue of his semen on his younger brother's thighs.

Edward swallowed down a wave of nausea –once again assaulted by guilt for doing such a thing to his own brother. He didn't know why he was feeling so guilty, this wasn't much different than when he'd wiped his semen off of Alphonse's mouth.

Edward felt himself pale as his stomach lurched at that memory…and Alphonse must have seen it to when he looked up because his face changed the moment he was looking into Ed's face.

Alphonse side stepped him and Edward quickly pulled what he could of his newly raging emotions together to do damage control, he grabbed Alphonse's wrist and turned to face him…waiting as Al did likewise.

Before thinking too much about it he went ahead and voiced his first idea,

"We could bath…together, if you want, Alphonse." And he was glad that his voice managed to remain steady despite his inner turmoil.

Alphonse looked like he thought Edward was making some un-funny joke,

"R-really?" his voice was weak…but vaguely hopeful.

And it made Edward feel better because now he could more safely assume Alphonse wasn't put off by him,

"Yeah, come on." He smiled, feeling relieved.

He slipped his fingers between Alphonse's and led him from the room down the hall, trying to stay outwardly calm…but he wasn't calm. He'd been thinking just minutes earlier in the bathroom of how he felt the same…but something was different.

After the oral sex incident, yes, he'd felt guilty but the guilt had been almost superficial…because whenever he thought about it all he experienced was a vaguely bad feeling and if he thought about it in detail…he even got a little aroused.

But when he'd thought about it now…the guilt had been amplified tenfold.

They walked into the bathroom and Edward waited until Alphonse was inside to close the door, distracted by his emotional stress he walked over to the bath tub almost automatically.

Something had changed.

And he wondered if it had something to do with his…mental block, that Alphonse had mentioned.

For the past weeks he'd been aware of how detached he'd been from everything but during the sex, he hadn't been detached, he'd been emotional, stressed and conflicted…he hadn't felt anything like that in weeks…

He opened the taps wide after leaning down to put the plug in and he leaned on the bath rim staring down at the filling water,

'… _if the mental block or whatever is…gone…then does that mean I'll...'_  he swallowed thickly, '… _will that change my_ _ **physical**_ _reaction to Alphonse?'_  He let out a shuddering breath but the noise of the water filling drowned it out.

Edward felt really cold all of a sudden, he'd just been thinking that he honestly didn't want to  **ever**  defile Alphonse that way again…but if he started to get it up for Alphonse naturally…then sex…constant sex…would be inevitable.

He was worried now.

Edward stood up, took a deep breath and turned to face Alphonse…who was standing awkwardly right where he'd been two minutes ago. He looked cold…and uncomfortable, Edward frowned and tried to think of something to say and then he remembered,

"Uh, right, you wanted to pee. I'll just…wait outside…" he thought it'd be best and he made his way toward the door. Alphonse sighed very quietly so he stopped just short of exiting,

"You don't have to…it's not something we never ever did in front of each other…" he mumbled.

Edward knew that was true, even if since all this had started things had been a little weird with regards to bathroom privacy, he frowned and watched Alphonse who wasn't looking at him,

"Yeah but I don't want to make you uncomfortable, Alphonse." He admitted, because he did look uncomfortable. Alphonse turned disbelieving green eyes on him and insisted that  **he**  didn't want to make Edward uncomfortable.

Edward felt his irritation surface quickly, he knew it was because he was dealing with some steep worries and guilt at that moment,

"Alphonse,  **we just had sex**. You taking a piss in front of me isn't a big deal." He stated the obvious in the calmest –but tense- voice he could.

Alphonse blinked and looked away from him, faintly blushing. Edward frowned at him, it didn't make sense for him to act this way, he was acting like a clueless virgin and it was annoying.

Edward knew his younger brother was too smart to really be feeling so demure…it made more sense to think that Alphonse was projecting whatever he was  **actually**  feeling this way because he didn't know how to deal with it.

Edward placed his hand on his forehead as his head ached, sometimes he hated that he had an eidetic memory, he knew he'd read that psychobabble shit somewhere before and all of that sort of information was bleeding into his frontal lobe because of his current situation, at this rate he'd be dreaming psychological texts for weeks. He needed to calm down but he was getting frustrated.

He didn't know  _why_  Alphonse didn't just ask him or talk to him about whatever was bothering him and simplify it. The past two weeks they'd talked about everything openly…now Alphonse had clammed up and was acting weird.

' _Oh right…we slept together.'_  He clenched his jaw, he hated how sex changed people's relationships, he'd warned Alphonse about this and known it himself, yet somehow he was still caught off guard by it.

Alphonse didn't say anything and Edward watched him walk to the toilet, he looked away and shook his head slightly trying to clear his cluttered mind. When it wasn't for alchemy he really didn't like to use his brain, life was simpler when people just said what they were thinking…yet no one seemed to function like that.

And he was called rude and tactless because he did function like that.

Half rolling his eyes he turned back around and walked passed Alphonse over to the tub, he felt the water temperature, waited for the tub to fill more than half way and then turned off the taps. When he turned around again Alphonse was washing his hands…and looking at his reflection.

Edward winced inwardly when he saw Alphonse frown at the hikkies on his neck, he felt vaguely guilty but mostly awkward. Biting was something he often did during sex…now his younger brother was privy to that information first hand,

"Sorry, I…I tend to…bite." He tried to joke, hoping to lighten the mood at least.

He saw Alphonse look at him via the mirror and he smiled slightly, Edward was glad he picked up on the intended humor,

"There…uh…are probably a few between your thighs as well." He said it as he thought it.

Alphonse turned a bright red and dropped his gaze, he looked awkward now…and Edward felt like an idiot for functioning tactlessly…

So he apologized –awkwardly- and gestured to the tub, saying they could get in now.

Alphonse didn't move, he just continued to look awkward so Edward –trying to avoid saying something out of frustration- dropped his boxers, because shyness at this point was just ridiculous, and he stepped into the hot water with his flesh foot first.

He'd just put his automail foot into the water when he saw Alphonse shift, he turned to watch his younger brother, frowning as if he'd just realized something, and apparently he had because he dropped his boxers, walked over and stepped into the tub without any hesitation.

Edward blinked at his determined faintly flush face for a second before he lowered himself into the water to sit, the minute the hot soothing water raised goose bumps on his skin he felt better and he looked up at Alphonse. He realized Alphonse was waiting for his direction so he gestured for him to sit down…between his legs.

He realized he should have taken a second longer to consider that particular decision because once Alphonse was sitting down and leaning back against him he was very aware of the soft skin of Alphonse's lower back pressed against him intimately…

…and it dredged up all the strange and confusing emotions he was having towards his younger brother, right along with the guilt and nausea, Edward really wished he could catch a break.

As Alphonse was trying to get comfortable he flinched a few times before he settled…and Edward realized –he hadn't even thought about it- that Alphonse was  **obviously**  sore. He remembered how rough he'd been toward the end and Edward clenched his eyes shut, cursing himself colorfully in his head but when Alphonse finally sat back against his chest he relaxed his body so the younger blonde wouldn't notice and think he'd caused the tension.

Alphonse rested his head back on Edward's shoulder and the older blonde absently raised his hands from the water to run them through Alphonse's untidy hair, he smiled because even sweaty it was still soft to touch, Edward allowed himself to innocently kiss Alphonse's temple,

"When we're done bathing I'll get you some painkillers." Edward mumbled, hoping mentioning it wouldn't upset Alphonse.

He liked the smoothness of Al's skin against his lips, the small things relaxed him…and it seemed to relax Alphonse too, he sighed quietly and closed his eyes, mumbling an 'okay'. From the angle slightly higher, Edward could see Alphonse's dark blonde eyelashes resting against his pale skin and it was a detail he'd never looked closely at before…

…but he realized he'd transmuted them the exact same color as his own.

He couldn't remember if Alphonse's eyebrows had been lighter or darker than his own…and he'd have never even thought about it if they hadn't become so close.

In many ways he appreciated the closeness, because of it he'd also noticed…during their earlier activities…that Alphonse had –since his restoration- acquired some natural body spots. When he'd been kissing Alphonse's stomach, he'd seen a tiny brown mole. That had been in the dark…but he looked now in the light and he saw another two small ones on his left shoulder and on his arm, Edward didn't doubt there were probably a few more…

He closed his eyes…feeling guilty because he shouldn't even be seeing these things.

Following his guilty train of thought he asked if Alphonse was hurting badly…because if he was, that meant Edward hadn't used enough lubrication or he'd been too rough and careless.

"No…just a bit sore." Alphonse said quietly and he felt relieved.

"That's good, it's not supposed to hurt really bad…or it means I fucked up." He admitted

Alphonse huffed,

"Why do you say things like that…?" he complained and Edward smiled because some things never changed,

"Because I always fuck up, you know that." He mumbled teasingly, appreciating that Alphonse still tried to defend his personal opinion of himself for him.

He wet his hands again, seeing as Alphonse was a warm red color and seemed to be enjoying what he was doing, he started to run his hands through Alphonse's hair again when the younger blonde said in a quiet but sincere voice that he didn't mess up…

…and Edward didn't feel flattered, only ashamed when Alphonse said the sex had been incredible and thanked him.

How could he feel flattered about fucking his own brother good and proper?

Edward groaned inwardly and dropped his hands to Alphonse's arms, he needed to hear Alphonse say he was okay so he could stop feeling so fucking shit and guilty about what he'd done,

"…but, you didn't look happy about it Al. I thought you'd be happy." He wanted to know why, honestly.

Alphonse tensed slightly against him,

"I…I am happy…I was also just, I was just sad because we might never do it again." Alphonse said quietly but Edward knew his voice too well.

All he'd had for  _years_  had been Alphonse's voice to hang on to and he recognized even the slightest hesitation in his voice…Alphonse was lying…or at least, not telling him the whole truth.

Edward took a moment to calm down, starting an argument about 'why the fucking hell are you lying to me' would not do either of them any good. Yelling and fighting would be the last thing they needed right then, so Edward did –as he only could for Alphonse- he bit back his temper and pacified himself with a slow mental count to ten before he spoke,

"So…you don't regret it?" he asked quietly, calmly.

And he held his breath, waiting to hear if Alphonse would lie to him again.

What he hadn't been prepared for was Alphonse not only telling him the truth without a fuss…but getting emotional about it. Alphonse fervently insisted he regretted  **nothing** they'd done and then he got choked up and tense as he slipped into an absent self-loathing that made Edward's chest hurt, Alphonse was saying quietly that he'd 'forced' Edward to sleep with him.

Edward raised his eyebrows when he recognized yet another one of Alphonse's childish projections, he was distracting himself with touch because he felt guilty which had been a habit of his as a child, Alphonse's hands were sliding up Ed's thighs and his fingers were absently squeezing his knees.

It was bizarre and not all that amusing, they were both grown men yet this felt a lot like when they'd been kids and Edward would confront Alphonse about hiding their dad's books so they could go and play instead of reading…and Alphonse would look like he wanted to cry, yell at Edward for always reading and never playing outside while he fidgeted with his clothes, fingers or anything near him.

Except now the fidgeting was far too distracting for the older man and Edward felt endeared by the not completely lost brotherly connection between them, however weird it was, his voice was much softer when he spoke,

"You didn't force me Alphonse, I took the pill, I promised you I'd do anyt-…"

But they weren't kids anymore and Alphonse's guilt was far worse now…and so was his temper, Edward fell silent as his younger brother raised his voice slightly,

" **Please**  stop saying that, it makes me feel worse because it reminds me that you'll just do it because  **I**  want you to…not because  **you** want it! It just reminds me…" he was speaking through clenched teeth and Edward frowned sadly "…that you don't want any of this. I don't even know why we're in the bath together…Edward I don't know what you're thinking!" he abruptly sat forward, curling in on himself and Edward shivered at the loss of warmth against his front.

The water swished in the silence for a second as Edward absorbed Alphonse's words.

Edward was relieved that they were at least speaking openly again…even if it seemed like it might turn into an argument, it was better than awkward silence and misunderstood feelings.

They were brothers and brothers would fight.

Hell…they were lovers…and lovers fight too.

He tried to say something but Alphonse huffed –much like he used to when he'd been seven except he didn't stamp his foot,

"I don't want you to apologize anymore, it's the same thing, you're sorry about everything, you regret everything and I just keep forcing things on y-…"

Edward got annoyed with his rant like he always did when they argued,

"Alphonse." He used his 'big brother' voice and felt endeared again when Alphonse fell silent, "…I don't…I don't regret it." He said it.

Now Alphonse would know…they were in it together.

But Alphonse shot him down with an achingly sad voice,

"Edward… **don't**  lie to me, that's even worse because no matter what I say or how I apologize I can't take  **any**  of it back…and fuck…Edward I don't  **want**  to take it back!" he sobbed and Edward felt that far too familiar feeling of wanting to cry start up.

Alphonse really did control his emotions, it was frustrating.

He wanted to bring Alphonse closer to him but he wasn't sure Al would want to, so he placed his hands on his waist lightly, hoping that Alphonse would understand the gesture,

"I'm not lying, Alphonse." He felt Alphonse shiver at his touch but he remained where he was.

Edward flinched when Alphonse yelled loudly, it rung out in the bathroom…he wanted to know why Edward had been crying.

' _Because of you, damnit Alphonse!'_  he thought miserably.

But he didn't say that in case the younger blonde took it the wrong way,

"Why were you?" he swallowed down the lump in his throat.

Alphonse shifted and mumbled that he'd already said why.

Edward glared at the back of his head sadly,

"…you looked hurt Alphonse, not just sad, I'm not stupid. I know there's something else." He insisted quietly, he wanted the truth, he was getting damn close to demanding it.

But if he started yelling as well it would definitely turn into an argument, so instead he spoke as calmly as possible and took comfort in touching Alphonse's waist lightly…and felt guilty for it.

And then Alphonse wasn't yelling anymore…and he admitted he'd been expecting more.

Edward hadn't been flattered earlier…but he was definitely a little hurt by those words. It didn't matter if his physical performance had been 'incredible', somehow he'd disappointed Alphonse and it hurt. And he knew it was because the younger blonde had probably romanticized the scenario between them in his mind.

Really, who ever lived up to a sexual fantasy… **especially**  under their specific circumstances?

Edward sat back, dropping his hands and his eyes to the water in the space Alphonse had vacated,

"Sex is hardly ever like a fantasy Alphonse…still I'm sorry if I disappointed you." He mumbled.

He glanced up when the water shifted suddenly and he realized Alphonse had turned to face him slightly, looking at him with wet, apologetic eyes,

"Not you! I don't mean you weren't…" he said in a slightly higher pitch, he was stressed and blushing "Like I said Edward, you were incredible, it felt better than anything I imagined and I…I've never felt so good before, I  **loved**  being like that with you…" Edward glanced around uncomfortably, not really appreciating the compliments because of the guilty pain that accompanied every word, "…it was just the circumstances, the way  **I**  made it happen…I forced this on you, you said you didn't want to, you told me honestly and still I went through all this trouble even though I knew th-…" Alphonse's voice had reached a shaken low and Edward didn't need to listen to his self-loathing anymore.

It hurt more than guilt.

"Alphonse…" he cut off the guilty rant "…don't, just don't do that. I agreed to do this and we can't take it back. There's no point in looking at it like that. All I wanted, the reason I was crying Al, is because I just  **needed**  to know that you are happy, that you're okay and that you don't…that you don't hate me or regret it…as long as I know I didn't hurt you…I'll be okay." He swallowed sorely, even as he said those words it would never change what they'd done, no matter what, he'd always feel like he'd done something wrong.

So wrong.

He was staring at the water again when Alphonse moved forward and tried to see his face, saying what Edward had already expected to hear…how happy he was, how much he wanted this…all the words that should appease his guilt but did no such thing,

"…only if it doesn't  **hurt** you Edward, because I'm so tired of hurting you." He heard the tail end of Alphonse's words and he knew his younger brother needed reassurance.

And even if Alphonse's reassurance didn't quell his guilt, he would take the younger blonde's from him with simple words,

"Yeah…it doesn't hurt me Al, I can…I think I really can be with you like this." And it wasn't even a lie, he wanted nothing more than to hold Alphonse to him and kiss him right then.

It was completely sick and wrong but it was all he wanted right then…

When Alphonse kissed him it was all he could do not to pull the younger blonde into his arms, hold him tightly and just break down and cry…so he just kissed him, slowly…and he enjoyed it.

His body enjoyed it, especially when Alphonse lay against him and the soft skin of his mid-section brushed against his groin…he was reminded of that soft skin against him earlier and it sent the first trails of arousal through him…

…and he felt a rise of panic when he realized he was getting hard.

So many thoughts went through his head, he thought to push Alphonse back before he noticed it, he thought about making up an excuse to leave the tub…he even thought about just telling Alphonse the truth…it seemed so much simpler to say 'Please I never want to have sex with you again, I'll end up hating myself.'

Yet it wasn't simple, because Alphonse loved him and those words would drive a massive wedge between them…it would undo everything they'd gone through up until this point.

No, Edward couldn't say that…

…because he also couldn't admit to Alphonse that he'd hate himself, because he enjoyed fucking his own brother.

He frowned to himself when Alphonse started to kiss his chest but it wasn't because of that, he was frowning because of the unnaturally full hard on he already had after minimal arousal. It occurred to him then…when Alphonse looked up at him with a sweet, sensual…suggestive look in his eyes, that his erection may just be unnatural.

Like it had been originally.

"What's wrong?" Alphonse asked, chin resting on his chest and his warm breath catching the water droplets, Edward took the younger blonde's lack of over zealousness to his arousal as a second sign.

It probably had something to do with that drug, the one and only time in his life he'd gotten an erection that quickly with such little stimulation had been the very first time he saw a girl naked in the flesh…and he'd been an eighteen year old virgin.

It was definitely not a natural reaction.

Right then though he needed to curb Alphonse's sexual enthusiasm for obvious reasons but at the same time he'd also be helping himself,

"…w-we can't do it again, Al. I'm sorry…" he watched Alphonse drop his gaze, " I know you probably wanted to…because of the drug wearing off…" he wanted to know if he had assumed correctly about the drug still being in his system, "…but you, I can't…you'd be…" Alphonse nodded and he fell silent, gratefully.

Alphonse didn't reject his theory about the medication and instead agreed that he was sore.

Edward felt some heat rise to his cheeks when Alphonse stared straight into his eyes as he said it, so he gestured for the younger blonde to turn around and lay back against him.

Alphonse did so and they lay that way for a while as he looked over the marks he'd made on Alphonse's skin, on his neck, there was also a tiny hikkie on his chest and then lower…between his legs…there were a few red and purple spots, contrasting against the soft white skin.

Edward hesitated for a moment, knowing full well how much he enjoyed the soft skin between his younger brother's thighs and feeling perverted for it, but it was the way they were after everything…

He could be like that with Alphonse…he just didn't ever want to violate him again like he had earlier.

He encircled the younger blonde's waist with his arms and smoothed his hands over Alphonse's wet inner thighs, the shudder of Al's breath that followed the touch served to arouse Edward, he swallowed slowly and kept silent, slipping his arms back up from around his waist and hugging him around his shoulders.

He just wanted to hold Alphonse, he kissed his head absently just as the younger said his name in a questioning tone and he hummed in response, his eyes closed as he enjoyed the simple –though not innocent- closeness.

"Did you…did you enjoy it…did you enjoy having sex with me?"

The question made him hold his breath, his eyes widened and his chest pained…he would not answer that question. He could not…because it would tell Alphonse the truth and in turn his expectations would be raised and Edward didn't know if he could rise –physically- to those expectations and worse, he hoped he never could because he would hate himself so intensely every time he enjoyed sex with Alphonse.

No good would come from such self-loathing for either of them.

He didn't breath for a minute at least as his insides quivered with pain, he hated to let his younger brother assume the opposite but the truth was worse, it would only hurt them more, at least he thought so.

So he kept quiet and after a while he heard Alphonse sigh,

"It's fine if you didn't, in the romantic sense…I was just curious." He said quietly and Edward felt bad…because he was relieved at the lack of further question in his tone.

At least Alphonse wouldn't press the issue.

He hugged Alphonse closer and heard him say 'thank you' in a sincere voice but Edward didn't feel like he'd done anything that deserved thanking…it was the complete opposite as far as he was concerned.

What followed the further ten minutes of relaxed silence was a shower…a shared shower. And while Edward was no longer uncomfortable with their nudity or their closeness, touching or bathing, he was uncomfortable with how good it felt to feel even the slightest brush of his skin to Alphonse's.

Something had changed…and it scared him, it scared him that the brotherly platonic affection he'd always felt toward Alphonse no longer seemed prevalent, now it was mixed in with something else…something that was undoubtedly sexual…

* * *

After they'd showered and dressed Edward offered to make Alphonse something to eat because he was hungry…sex always made him hungry. He left the younger blonde changing the bedding –after he'd scooped up the sticky bottle of lube-…removing the sheets in which he'd done the worst thing any brother could do to another…

He shook his head as he walked down the hall, still feeling slightly nauseous at the thought of what he'd done and enjoyed. He tried to reason with himself that it was better for them both if it didn't leave a tragic and painful mental scar behind, which it hadn't, but still he couldn't forgive himself.

He stopped at the bathroom, stepping inside with intention to put the lube away and also worried that his nausea was a sign of more than hunger. He glanced around the untidy bathroom as he waited out his stomach's turmoil and without really thinking he moved toward the counter and started to straighten it out, he opened the taps and ran some luke warm water under which he rinsed off the sticky bottle of lube.

He was lining up some toiletries against the wall next when he spotted a second bottle of lube lying on its side behind the shaving cream can. He frowned,

' _He sure did come prepared…'_  he felt his face heat up as he lifted the tube, it wasn't sticky like the one he'd been handling with lube messed hands in the bed…but it wasn't sealed.

For a moment he was confused, frowning as he rinsed it off anyway…and then it dawned on him and he frowned deeper as he blushed darker, remembering that Alphonse had said he'd prepared himself in the bathroom before coming to the bedroom.

His thoughts drifted to the image of his younger brother breathing shallowly, flush and spread eagled looking down at him with lustful eyes as he kissed between his thighs and prepared his willing body…

Edward exhaled shakily, his physical reaction was still far too fast but he was grateful that his guilt seemed to keep his arousal at bay.

He glanced at his slightly red face in the mirror as he opened the medicine cabinet, just then Alphonse stepped into the doorway and they glanced at each other via the mirror. Edward was aware he was holding both bottles of lube and he quickly placed them in the cabinet,

"Don't want to leave em lying around…" he mumbled, glancing at Alphonse again as he too blushed and quickly walked into the bathroom with a bundle of bedding in his arms mumbling back that he'd forgotten about it.

Edward just re-opened the taps and washed his hands off, thinking that in future anything suspicious in the apartment that didn't make sense for two heterosexual men –as far as anyone else knew- to have should be discreetly hidden.

Lube being the main thing.

He didn't think they'd never need it again…he just hoped they wouldn't need it for sex.

He sighed very quietly and closed the taps before he walked to the bathroom door, absently dabbing his wet hands on his shirt and grimacing at the cold wet patches it left against his chest.

"Ed?" Alphonse's voice was light and cautious.

Edward stopped and looked back to his younger brother, wearing a baggy shirt and pajama pants and his bed room slippers, his hair towel dried and untidy...

' _Cute…'_  Edward stopped himself from frowning at how such a thought was no longer innocent and instead raised his eyebrows expectantly at Alphonse.

He seemed unsure of whether or how to ask whatever was on his mind and Edward thought again of how stupid it was to be shy about words after what they'd done.

He figured it might take Alphonse a while to adjust…and he'd keep silent about everything that bothered him.

Alphonse proceeded to ask very quietly and haltingly about Edward's previous male sex partners.

Edward blinked lazily as he considered how to answer that, he didn't think it was necessary to discuss his –former- sex life with his younger brother, it was irrelevant so he decided to answer vaguely.

"Oh, it's not really anyone specific. It's just people I've had…uh, sex with." And it was true, just not descriptive.

Alphonse didn't let it go, Edward found the question of whether he'd done it more than once with a man to be a little too personal so he side stepped it…which seemed to annoy Alphonse.

Still despite his annoyed frown he mumbled that he was just curious and Edward figured it was the end of the matter, so he in turn mumbled another vague answer and left the bathroom.

He was hungry and grateful for the lack of nausea and stress he felt at that moment, really the biggest problem he had now was whether he'd ever get a natural erection for Alphonse…otherwise he was…fine.

' _Of all the things I've done that were fucked up but I got over…this is definitely the worst.'_  He frowned as he walked into the kitchen.

He and his brother had had sex.

That should not have been okay with him…yet it didn't bother him like it should.

Except for the guilt but even that was minimal.

He was just considering what to make to eat when Alphonse asked him about his 'top' and 'bottom' experiences, he frowned, irritated with the persistence, Alphonse had never been so forward before.

Then again, they'd never really talked about sex with each other before the recent weeks.

"Alphonse." He said in a tone of voice he'd mastered over the years, telling Alphonse to stop asking. The younger blonde complained that Edward didn't want to tell him and the older blonde confirmed it without missing a beat.

It was almost childish how Alphonse persisted but it pulled at Edward's heart strings when the younger blonde pointed out that as brother's they'd always told each other everything.

Brothers.

He'd hate to think Alphonse would drop that word for his convenience just to make Ed feel bad…but then the younger blonde apologized and Edward sighed and continued getting sandwich contents together.

The silence was starting to feel uncomfortable and he worried that a lack of answer would leave Alphonse making assumptions about him, so he decided to make one thing clear,

"It's no one you know or anything, I've never slept with anyone you know." And it was also true.

' _Although I came pretty close with Winry…'_

"Not even Winry." Alphonse said and Edward winced, he'd figured it had been plainly obvious considering the bad terms on which their child hood friend had left. He turned around to give Alphonse a look he didn't mean to be so stiff but he couldn't help it,

"No Alphonse, I've never slept with Winry."

'… _and I never will.'_ He turned back to slicing the cheese as he remembered the tears in her eyes when he'd told her he wouldn't sleep with her.

Alphonse had been offended because Edward hadn't been able to get it up for him but that wasn't rejection, rejection was what he'd done to Winry.

He felt his calm mood wane at the depressing thoughts but he blinked out of the guilty haze when Alphonse bumped shoulders with him and thin smooth fingers took the knife he held and then the piece of cheese out of his other hand.

He was going to complain that Alphonse thought he couldn't make decent sandwiches…that was, until Al smiled…genuinely, lovingly, purely at him…and Edward felt his heart beat speed up at the sight.

He smiled as well, watching as Alphonse turned his eyes down to continue to slice the cheese…

…and he knew then that even though he'd hurt Winry, it was worth it to make Alphonse happy.

* * *

He had a dream…or rather…a nightmare.

It started with Mother -like it had hundreds of times before- she was smiling at him, praising him for being so smart, such a wonderfully talented young alchemist…she was so proud of him…

…and then she morphed into an abomination, something inhuman that he'd created with alchemy…and at that point she usually asked him in a hollow, distorted voice  _why_  he hadn't brought her back since he was such a great alchemist.

But this time, in this nightmare, she didn't distort…instead her smile turned into a deeply hurt frown and she shook her head, tears spilling over her pale cheeks and she just asked him  _ **why**_ …and then she started to say it over and over and over, louder and louder… _why why why Edward, how could you, how could you?_

Eventually she'd been screaming in a voice that wasn't even hers, no he'd never heard Mother yell, it was Winry's voice and her face and her tears…

At some point through all the screeching her blonde hair became short and sweat matted, her cheeks became flush, her eyes became green and her tears remained…and then she became he…Alphonse beneath him in his bed as he remembered him while fucking him…except he was crying…and asking  _why Edward, how could you, how could you, brother!?_

Edward woke with a severe start in his bed that morning, his chest pained as breath failed him, he was pale and he felt the cold sweat covering his face and his chest under his sleeping shirt.

He was laying on his back, the covers pulled up to his chest…he lolled his head to the side and felt relief that Alphonse hadn't woken up, he finally managed to breath shallowly, keeping as quiet as possible as he frowned deeply.

He'd had so many nightmares in his life that the screams and bodily quakes upon waking had stopped at around 13 years old, now when he awoke from a nightmare it was usually just short breaths and cold sweat.

But he was trembling right then as he lay beside his younger brother wrapped in clean bedding…

Slowly, so he didn't rouse his exhausted brother, he turned to lay on his side facing away from Alphonse and he stared across the room through the cold light of morning at his dark wood wardrobe doors absently.

He was glad that Alphonse was tired enough to sleep through his startled waking…because he never did like talking about his nightmares.

They were always born of immense guilt and this one was no different.

He closed his eyes tightly, feeling a few tears slip from his eyes and he trembled.

The nightmare had shaken him…to the core. Alphonse's cries of  **why**  still resounded in his head.

' _One day he'll realize how wrong it is…and he'll hate me for it.'_  Edward felt his chest and throat constrict as he tried to cry as quietly as possible, tensing himself up so his frame didn't shake badly enough to be felt by his sleeping brother.

Edward lay in the bed for a while after he'd woken with his face half pressed into the pillow, morning slowly came to full over cast light. He'd cried silently for only a few minutes before he just lay numbly in the bed with dull eyes focused on the tiles of the floor, his cheeks and eyes long since dried.

However long it was he lay awake, the moment he felt Alphonse shift behind him, taking in a deep waking breath and stretching…Edward closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep, shifting in a way he could pass off as sleep movements before pulling the blanket over his shoulder to cover half of his face.

He didn't expect Alphonse to disturb his 'sleep' and he was right, the younger blonde lay a few minutes longer before he made his way as lightly off the bed as possible. Edward felt him crawl over his legs and then shuffle with his bed slippers out of the room.

He didn't shift but he did open his eyes, he didn't know if Alphonse was coming back…and he wasn't ready to start a new day. The nightmare had cut him deep, if he hadn't felt anything significant the day before about sleeping with his brother, he was feeling it now.

The last thing he wanted was for Alphonse to hate him for this sort of relationship, even if it was ten years down the line.

He was supposed to protect Alphonse…but he wasn't doing that…

Sure, he was hell bent on keeping a harmful secret, he was lying to keep people from hurting or taking Alphonse away from him…but what about himself, in a way he was hurting Alphonse far worse.

And Alphonse just didn't realize it,

'… _maybe I need to protect Alphonse from himself.'_  He sniffed quietly and listened to the sound of the shower start up down the hall. Edward shut his eyes tightly…he had no  **idea**  how he was supposed to make Alphonse happy and protect him at the same time.

The two points contradicted each other.

Because what Alphonse wanted was not good for him.

Or for Edward.

Edward didn't doubt that they could find some semblance of 'happiness' being together in their shared tainted apartment, behind closed doors…but reality existed beyond their sanctuary.

And reality consisted of other people, healthy relationships…friends, family, jobs, lives.

And incest did not fit into any of that, not legally or morally.

He remembered what he'd said to Mustang in the coffee shop just a few days ago.

'… _when Al goes to university, he'll probably get a girlfriend.'_

At the time when he'd said it, it'd seemed like a plausible scenario and it still did…

It wasn't a full proof plan but Edward still felt that Alphonse hadn't tried very hard to overcome his…affliction.

Maybe if he  **actually**  tried…

He loved Alphonse…literally to death.

He would do anything for him and anything to protect him.

And sometimes…the decisions of what was right and necessary were not easy.

That was the case now and he hated that it'd taken him so long to realize it, he hated that it took defiling his brother sexually for him to realize that he needed to  _stop_  what was happening.

Because living a reclusive life as incestuous siblings was not healthy, it was not right and it was not going to be  **possible**  for very long.

They were not two random people. They were  **the**  Elric Brothers.

It was not a secret that could be kept and someday, whether or not they ended up in prison, someone close would find out and everything would fall apart.

Whatever couple like delusion they would spend however long building up would come violently crashing down. And then, Alphonse would suffer worse…and Edward didn't doubt he would suffer too.

They would be unable to form normal relationships ever again…

He worried that it might even be too late now because even the idea of being with Winry, or anyone for that matter, made him feel guilty and uncomfortable after sleeping with his own brother.

They were already fucked up…but Edward would spend the rest of his life doing his best to put Alphonse right, healthy and back on to a normal life track if that's what it took.

If he didn't want Alphonse to hate him or be unable to look at him one day, when their mistakes inevitably caught up with them, it was what he had to do.

He sighed quietly and blinked a few more tears out of his eyes before sitting up in the bed.

The problem with his plan was…that either way he knew his younger brother might end up hating him. If he pushed Alphonse away or if he played along with the illusion that they could ever be like a real couple.

It was a lose/lose situation for him.

He wondered now about the reason he'd been doing all of this, to keep Alphonse from leaving him.

"I'm so fucking selfish…" he whispered harshly and shook his head, more tears slipped from his eyes which he wiped away angrily, '… _how can I claim to care about him so much if I was only doing_ _ **all**_ _of this so he didn't leave me, because I need him in my life. It's so fucking obvious I'm the reason he's fucked up in the first place…'_

It made more sense than ever before to him.

Either he'd messed up the transmutation or he'd smothered Alphonse with too much attention during his recovery and then he'd been too selfish to realize that forcing Alphonse to be around him by giving into his affliction was despicable and only made things worse.

Alphonse had taken advantage of him and he'd taken advantage of Alphonse.

For different reasons but all the same, it was because they wanted one another in very different ways but forever, it was about being together always…

…now he felt like it might be for the best if he pushed Alphonse away, not for his own sake but for Alphonse's.

' _Then he can have a proper life, he can meet a nice girl, have some kids. He can be happy with whoever he chooses, openly happy, walk in public as a couple, date, go out…have friends…have a life. He probably won't want me around because…I would have_ _ **rejected**_ _him but in the long run…'_  Edward was crying steadily now, face pressed into his arms across his raised knees as his shoulders shook lightly, '… _it's for his own good.'_

He sat crying until the water of the shower stopped running and he had to repress his quiet sobs, he wiped his face off with the blanket, laid back down and buried himself under the covers just in case Alphonse came into the room. But he didn't, he went to his own bedroom and Edward listened to the sound of the wardrobe doors closing and muffled movements, the sound of the cat food bag, Alphonse's muffled voice as he talked to CookieBoots…

It was a half hour more before Edward finally sat up again and rubbed his face with his hands a few times, he drew his knees up again and rested his arms around them, hunching forward and staring between his legs at the dip in the blanket over his lower half.

He listened to more shuffling in the hall and then the eventual sound of the stove kettle whistling minutes later, at that point he got up and left the room. He walked barefoot on the cold tiles down the hall before he slipped into the bathroom and closed the door quietly.

He walked to the basin and looked at his reflection, his eyes weren't puffy, just a bit red which he could blame on restless sleep. He needed to wash away the tear tracks though, so he ran the water warm and filled his cupped palms before rinsing his face a few times.

He dried his face off afterward and then pulled his open hair up into a ponytail, finding one of his many hair bands on the bathroom counter.

Deciding he looked fine, just a little tired, he left the bathroom and made his way into the kitchen, Alphonse was making toast when he walked in.

"Morning Ed." he smiled and Edward smiled back slightly,

"Morning Al." he mumbled as he pulled out a chair and sat down.

"Do you want me to make you eggs with your toast?" he sounded happy, his voice was light.

It was strange, yesterday felt like a million miles away yet the emotions of it sat heavily on his chest.

"No, thanks. Do we have any peanut butter?" he knew Alphonse didn't like peanut butter.

The younger blonde didn't say anything, he simply opened a cupboard and pulled out a sealed jar, he opened it before smearing the thick substance onto the toast generously, because that's how Edward liked it.

After he'd spread three slices he walked around the table and placed the toast plate in front of Edward, who was aware of how nice and freshly showered Alphonse smelled.

He was about to pick up the toast but Alphonse stopped him, leaning down and pecking him on the lips,

"Before you eat that peanut butter, can I get a kiss?" he said playfully.

The moment was sweet, it was loving, it felt almost right…and he wanted to kiss Alphonse quite badly, but it would be better if he didn't.

Edward blinked, his insides clenching with guilt because of his new intentions,

"Uh, I haven't brushed my teeth so…just on the lips okay." He tried to smile, but he'd specifically skipped brushing his teeth because he'd been expecting this as part of their usual morning routine.

It hurt to do this…but Alphonse deserved a real life, with a real lover.

"…that's fine." Alphonse didn't seem to notice his solemnity and Edward closed his eyes and obliged his younger brother with a few –slightly wet on Alphonse's part- lip to lip kisses.

It made him so happy, Edward noticed this when Al finally pulled back and smiled brightly, but he lost his appetite because his nauseous guilt was taking over, he knew that after he figured out the best way to push Alphonse down a path to a healthy natural life, he'd probably  **never** see that smile again.

Suddenly he just wanted to be alone.

"I'm uh…" he started once Alphonse walked over to cupboards again, taking out a cereal bowl for himself, "I'm gonna go out after breakfast and buy some fresh bread and stuff, did you want anything?" he was pleased he sounded normal, quiet but normal.

Alphonse was pouring some chocolate cereal into his bowl when he shook his head,

"No thanks, did you want me to go with you?" he walked over to the fridge next and Edward watched him with tired eyes as he retrieved the milk,

"No, it's okay." He mumbled and swallowed down the first bite of toast he'd chewed for a full minute, his mouth sticky with peanut butter.

He just didn't feel hungry anymore…but still, he forced it down his throat because Alphonse would notice if he didn't eat. Breakfast was the usual, aside from Alphonse asking how he slept and pointing out that he looked tired and should take a nap later and Edward asking how the younger blonde was  _feeling_ physically and receiving a positive answer, it had been like any other morning.

After breakfast he went to shower and stood for a long time under the hot spray of water but it didn't make much difference to the emotional ache, even if it eased his physical tension.

When he was done he brushed his teeth, dressed and grabbed his wallet to pay for the items he'd need to buy to validate his trip outside…just because he needed some time alone…

He left his bedroom and found his younger brother sitting in the lounge with CookieBoots on his lap, petting him with a small smile, Edward smiled at the sight,

"I'll be back soon…"

Alphonse glanced up,

"Okay Ed..." he smiled brighter.

Edward nodded weakly and turned around in the lounge entrance, walking to the door…he heard Alphonse call after him 'I love you' and he frowned.

I love you would never mean the same thing as it once did between them.

He might never even hear those words again.

"I love you too, Alphonse." He said audibly while grabbing his coat, he slipped into his boots after pulling it on and left the quiet, fire warm apartment quickly.

* * *

Edward was on his way back a half hour later with a bag from the grocer carrying some general items in it, the walk had been nice, the air was cold and fresh and the ache in his leg was distracting, it was a Sunday and the streets were quiet, which were good things...

…until he realized he was almost back to the apartment and he hadn't decided what was the best way to…push…Alphonse in a different direction than himself, besides the obvious harsh way of just telling him.

He sighed heavily as he walked up to the apartment building doors and pushed one in, the warm air washed over him and he felt relieved, his leg ache was distracting but still fucking painful.

He squeezed the bag a little tighter to himself as he slowly crossed the lobby, he figured he could just wait until Alphonse started university in a few weeks and hope someone came along that caught his interest…

…but aside from that not necessarily happening, it would mean he would spend the next two or so weeks before Alphonse actually started classes being a lover to him and since he didn't know whether his body would react to Alphonse in  **that**  way the next time they kissed or touched, he worried that there might even be sex.

It had only happened once so far and while it scared him, hurt him and had affected him subconsciously, it still aroused him to think about…and he didn't want to risk his own slowly forming incestuous feelings getting worse with every kiss, touch and intimacy to a point where he might not be able to…let go at all.

After all, he did love Alphonse and the idea of letting him go hurt badly enough as it was.

He was almost to the stairs when he caught the conversation of two women coming down the stairs.

"…-at are you doing tonight? Any New Year's party plans?"

"Oh yeah, a friend of mine is throwing a party at her house, it's going to be great, you should come. I'm supposed to bring a da-…"

Edward blocked out the rest of the conversation and smiled weakly in acknowledgment of them as they passed him where he stood at the bottom of the stairs. Once they passed he frowned slightly,

' _Shit…it's New Year's Eve.'_  He'd been so caught up with their twisted little world he'd forgotten the date.

He glanced at the grocery bag, wondering if he should go back to the store before they closed at noon for a bottle of champagne and some sort of snacks, they hadn't prepared anything for the night.

He sighed worriedly as he thought of spending New Year's Eve  _alone_  with Alphonse, it was obvious what his younger brother would want to spend the night doing…and Edward was no longer in a detached state of mind. He was quite sure he'd either break down and tell Alphonse his plan to push him away for his own good because the guilt would undoubtedly eat away at him…or worse, he'd get caught up in kissing and touching every bit of Alphonse available to him and possibly wind up with a raging hard on.

He was usually a risk taker but where Alphonse was concerned he didn't like to take chances.

He truly felt they couldn't realistically move forward the way Alphonse wanted because it could never end well, it wouldn't be long before someone noticed that they were  **too**  close, that neither of them would be dating at all but spending all of their time together…they had to at least appear normal, go out and meet people…

Besides, he frowned and glanced around the empty lobby as he focused his thoughts, if Alphonse was ever going to meet someone, Ed had to put options in his path.  _Female_ options…because the coil of violent anger that rapidly formed in his stomach at the thought of  **any**  man doing to Alphonse what he had was enough to make him homicidal.

Whether it was out of jealousy or protectiveness he didn't care, either way he'd kill any man who dared try.

No, he needed to place some pretty girls in his very attractive brother's path and set a natural wheel in motion.

He raised an eyebrow when a thought occurred to him -where women were concerned- Roy Mustang was the first person who came to mind. Edward walked quickly away from the steps and back across the lobby to the phone stalls passed the reception desk. He chose the stall at the far end and propped his grocery bag up on the small writing shelf before digging through his jeans pockets and his wallet for some coins.

Once he found some change he slipped the coins noisily into the slot while holding the phone to his ear and dialed Mustang's house number, it rang a few times –as usual- before the older man's lazy voice came through the open line,

_-"Mustang."-_

Edward swallowed sorely, guilt sticking in his throat for what he was about to do,

"Hey, it's me." His voice lacked the usual confidence and he hoped Mustang didn't notice.

_-"Ed?"-_

"Yeah, dumbass." He made a point to sound more like himself.

 _-"I apologize, my psychic ability is not what it used to be."-_ he said sarcastically.

"Yeah yeah, whatever…listen, its New Year's Eve, what're you doing tonight?" he kept his voice low but steady, trying to sound casual about it.

-" _Why Edward, are you going to ask me out?'-_  he was smirking, Edward could hear it and wanted to punch him.

"The fuck Mustang, are you drunk?" he pulled his face at the man's frisky tone.

-" _No, not yet but I intend to be later tonight. So, you're asking what I'm doing because…you're looking for a New Year's party to attend, I assume?"-_  he was probably still smirking but the playfulness of his voice was less weird and more normal.

And the answer on Edward's end was yes…that's exactly what he wanted.

"Yeah, actually, me and Al need to get out. Do you have anything going on?" He bit the inside of his lip.

 _-"Yeah sure, so, you know that if you party with me…I'm getting you two drunk."-_  Mustang informed soberly.

Edward half rolled his eyes and glared at the floor as he leaned his back against the partition,

"You can get  **me**  drunk but  **not**  Alphonse…he uh…you said there'd be women the other day right, so he can have all the women." He tried to make it sound like a joke.

Mustang laughed,

 _-"…yes alright, that sounds fine…except your brother is very young and good looking, if he starts getting too much female attention I'm going to have to intercept him with some alcohol to throw off his game."-_ Mustang sounded rather sincere about that.

Edward could have laughed because it was a valid concern he supposed, he'd always known his brother would be a ladies man…and with his looks and social skills, he had an unfair advantage over all of them.

Edward smiled,

"No way old man, bow out gracefully, if anyone can swindle you out of a woman, it's a well-deserved accomplishment." He said mock seriously.

Mustang laughed again,

-" _I_ _ **think**_ _that was a compliment but I could be wrong, knowing you. But I suppose your right…and anyway, my age prospects of women are at least five to ten years higher than your brother's and yours, I don't think I need to feel too threatened.'-_  he sighed.

"Are you sure you're not drunk?" Edward raised a curious eyebrow, thinking that Mustang sounded wistful in his words, which was odd for the usually confident older man,

 _-"_ _ **No**_ _Edward, I'm not drunk. I'm just older…and more aware of it. But I still snag the occasional twenty something, so I've still got it."-_ he sounded smug again.

Edward shook his head,

"Whatever, sleazebag, so  **where**  is the party?" he ripped a piece of paper off the available note pad tied to the writing shelf and picked up the pen attached to it as well.

Mustang told him the address and he recognized it as the party district of Central, it was an exclusive club –according to Mustang- with a New Year's guest list which he'd been on for the last few years, along with his unit from the military, some other close friends and their plus ones. He explained that the dress code was formal casual, indoor jacket was a must but neckties not necessary sort of thing and said he'd add Edward to his personal guest list and Alphonse as his plus one since they weren't bringing dates.

Doors open at 7 pm.

Edward agreed to go, it sounded fine…it sounded good actually.

The place sounded classy, which meant the women would be of a better quality so he didn't have to feel like he was pushing Alphonse into a whirlwind of hussies.

"Alright, thanks bastard. We'll see you later…" he folded the small note paper once and slipped it into his pocket.

 _-"No problem Ed, I'm glad you called, I'm glad you're coming out…who knows, maybe you'll even get lucky tonight."-_  he sounded as sleazy as he was.

Edward clenched his teeth and made a face,

"You have a one track mind you know that, I just want to relax and have a few drinks…don't be pushing any girls onto me." He warned lazily as he stood up straight, ready to hang up.

-" _Yes yes, stop whining…but buy some condoms just in case. See you tonight."-_ the phone went dead and Edward's knuckles went white when he clenched his fist around the handset.

He hated that Mustang always did that on the phone, he always got the last word in and it was  **always**  something Edward didn't need to hear…condoms…he'd never need to buy condoms ever again.

Or maybe…years from now when Alphonse hated him and didn't ever want to see him again he might be able to get over his anguish and meet someone.

Though…he was doubtful.

He was already feeling crushed and the separation hadn't even begun. But it would that night, it seemed like a good starting plan…or at least it seemed like a way to avoid something happening between himself and Alphonse that night.

As he walked back across the lobby holding his grocery bag…Edward realized his plan wasn't really all that clever. It was desperate and ill thought out…much like that time he'd decided to take on Scar and had his arm blown off.

It had nearly killed him…

Even though he was in no danger of dying…he had just set up a night out with his younger brother who was in love with him where there would be alcohol, women and familiar people, anything could go wrong.

At the very least it would be a good way to fit back in and seem normal and he was mostly sure they could get through it…

…but he wasn't stupid enough to think that Alphonse would be bringing a girl home that night and tomorrow everything would be different.

No, this was just a pathetic stall tactic because he was unable to deal with his fears.

But it was too late to turn back, he'd already gone ahead and made the plans, it wouldn't hurt for them to be normal for one night. He reached the apartment door and took a deep breath…he just had to lie to Alphonse about how exactly the plans fell into place so that the younger blonde didn't suspect anything…

* * *

It was just after 9 pm when they left the apartment.

Telling Alphonse that Mustang had called him about the party had been plausible enough and on top of that Alphonse seemed oddly agreeable about the whole thing, making Edward feel worse about lying…but ultimately he'd been successful and they were going to the New Year's party and he was stupidly hoping that some part of Alphonse was looking forward to getting out.

Both of them were dressed up in black jeans with black sports jackets under their winter coats, Edward wore a long-sleeved black pullover shirt under his sport jacket while Alphonse wore a black long-sleeved turtleneck because of the hikkies still mostly fresh and visible on his neck.

Edward wore a pair of black mid-calf combat boots he kept in better condition laced up over his jeans and Alphonse wore a pair of shiny black formal shoes he'd worn that night they'd gone out to dinner.

That first dinner together seemed like such a long time ago…

Alphonse had taken a hint from Edward's choice of clothes as to what he should wear because Ed hadn't actually mentioned the detail about how they should dress, he'd been too distracted with getting Alphonse to go to the party at all to worry about that.

After passing the rest of the day in falsely comfortable silence, when night fell and time ticked closer they'd both taken turns to shower and then dressed. Edward had been happy to note Alphonse took the time to do his hair in that style that was sort of untidy but not…it looked so attractive and suited his handsome face so well.

And Alphonse looked good, he smelled good and he'd seemed happy for the fact that Edward had actually noticed –the older blonde had been caught looking approvingly at Alphonse.

Although his approval was finely laced with attraction he could no longer ignore for the younger blonde, he now appreciated Alphonse's physical form on a whole new –more intimate- level.

Edward knew the girls would fall all over his brother.

And even though he felt something akin to jealously, he felt sadness far more because he'd be losing Alphonse.

There'd been a time when he would never have feared a woman coming between him and his younger brother but things were different now and if he pushed Alphonse away and into a woman's arms…he knew he wouldn't be in the picture after that.

He'd never see Alphonse smile at him, or hear him laugh…or hold him close and take comfort in his smell.

Presently they were standing just inside the lobby doors, waiting for the cab they'd called and Edward swallowed sorely as he silently second guessed himself, wondering whether he really wanted to lose what they had after all they'd suffered through to get to there. Yes it was unhealthy, sick and illegal…but being as close to Alphonse as he was felt somehow…right.

His perception of right and wrong was obviously distorted by this point but all the same, he didn't really  **want**  to give Alphonse up, not completely…maybe not even at all.

It was incest and it wasn't right, he  **knew**  that but they'd already crossed that line…and now he felt love and desire that he shouldn't be feeling for his younger brother, feelings he hadn't felt before but he couldn't deny and it was complicating things and confusing him.

Edward sighed quietly as he told himself again that he  **had** to do it, he had to stop being selfish, he had to give Alphonse a real chance at a real normal life. He looked over at Alphonse standing two feet away beside him, he had a serious look on his face, like he was thinking deeply about something, his green eyes staring through the glass entrance doors but his mind far off.

Edward took a good long look…imprinting every fine detail he could see of the other blonde's side profile to his memory, he never wanted to forget his younger brother.

He didn't know how the night would go…but he had the very serious intention of indirectly encouraging Alphonse to find a girl…to take home. Maybe not that night but if he could at least take an interest, get a number, it would start the ball rolling.

 **That**  plan had struck him after Alphonse had kissed him…deeply and slowly up against the coat closet door not even ten minutes earlier before they'd walked out.

The kiss had been unexpected, Alphonse had been straightening his coat lapels for him one second and the next he was pushed gently backwards until he was pressed up against the door with the warmth of his younger brother's lean body flush against him. The kiss had been wet, sensual…and toothpaste minty on both their parts, it had been really really good and Edward had kissed back, without prompting he'd placed his hands on Alphonse's lower back and pulled him closer…wanting…

Edward needed to push Alphonse away soon…before he no longer could.

He had been right about his previous detachment no longer being in effect, when Alphonse had kissed him it had run his emotions raw. It had actually made him dizzy for the first few seconds, but when he'd caught up with the rush of emotions there had been two predominant feelings in all the chaos.

One he was very familiar with, that was guilt. The other was foreign and wrong, it had been lust.

The thought of  _lusting_  after Alphonse was unacceptable for him.

He had to rectify it.

The current situation was different than when he'd been doing it all to make Alphonse happy, because while he was willing to give and give endlessly to his beloved brother, he was not willing to take anything from him.

And wanting Alphonse was the same as taking from him…or so he was trying to convince himself.

The laws of equivalent exchange would never exist for him where Alphonse was concerned, Edward felt he was lucky enough to have his brother still love him  **at all**  after everything they'd been through because of his own stupidity, he didn't want to ever take from Alphonse.

He blinked out of his exhausting thoughts when he saw the cab car stop outside on the street through the glass doors, he glanced at Alphonse,

"The cab is here…" he mumbled and started to walk toward the doors, glancing back to see that Al had fallen into step a few paces back, his expression still serious.

Edward hadn't really been expecting him to have wanted to go in the first place but he felt certain that Alphonse –being the social sort he'd once been- would probably enjoy this night more than he would.

Keeping that positive outlook, Edward walked out into the terrible late night cold with his younger brother just behind him, their footsteps on the sidewalk were out of sync and rather loud in the silent street.

Edward glanced at Alphonse as he stopped and pulled open the passenger door of the cab for him, Alphonse paused just in front of him, his yes expressing some sort of concern now as he stood close, face to face with Ed, making the older blonde feel slightly exposed since they were out in the open, despite the street being deserted.

In that moment, Alphonse seemed to be trying to ask him something or convey something to him, the look on his face was no longer indifferent but…worried. Edward couldn't give an answer to any of his questions, so even though it hurt to, he broke the eye contact and tipped his head to the open car door, gesturing for Alphonse to get in…and he did so without a word.

Edward swallowed slowly, he forced the light frown off his face and stepped down off the sidewalk before getting into the cab, shutting the car door…and he could have sworn he hadn't slammed it yet it sounded so damn loud.

* * *

The cab ride was silent and Alphonse didn't turn his gaze from beyond the window to look at him even once, which was fine, it was okay…it was better that way.

It had begun.

They'd finally arrived and Edward pushed the door open and got out of the cab after paying the driver, Alphonse was already out of the cab through the opposite door and was standing on the busy sidewalk.

Edward shut the door and stepped back as the cab pulled away from the curb, he crossed the vacant space and stepped on to the sidewalk to stand next to Alphonse, the younger blonde stood with his shoulders hunched up and a small indiscernible frown on his face.

Edward wondered what he was thinking…but he wouldn't ask.

It was lightly snowing due to the late winter cold and he regretted not having worn more layers of clothing, both his and Alphonse's noses were a bright red and he felt like he was just short of chattering his teeth.

He turned his golden eyes to the busy party strip around them, glancing around disinterestedly.

There were people walking in groups and pairs, crossing the streets going from clubs to bars to restaurants…there was different music playing at various places at various volumes, laughter, mixed conversations, drunken shouting, the occasional winter wind…and his own amplified breathing in his ears due to his increased heartbeat and forced resistance to shivering.

No matter how light and pleasant the atmosphere was, it didn't do anything for his somber mood…nor Alphonse's. After taking in the bright lights, throngs of people and Alphonse's unhappy facial expression, he turned around and looked across the street at the bright red fluorescent fancy cursive light of the Red Velvet night club sign above a royal red marquee extending out over the entrance as far as the sidewalk.

Beneath the marquee off to the right was a long queue of people, again in pairs and groups waiting behind the velvet and gold rope dividers to gain entrance to the exclusive venue. Edward watched as two of the people at the front of the line tried to talk to the three security personal –dressed smartly and holding clipboards- behind the rope, probably trying to negotiate their way inside.

"There's a waiting line…are we going to have to stand in it, it's really cold out here Edward." Alphonse's annoyed voice made him turn his head to the side to find his younger brother looking abhorrently at the queue of people.

Edward's stomach felt unsettled at the pure irritation in Alphonse's face,

"Uh, no. Mustang said we'd be on his guest list…" he looked back across the street before stepping off the sidewalk, "…come on, Al."

They walked across the street and Edward didn't even glance at the queuing people, he walked straight to the security guard controlling the entrance rope –and ignored the glares of the people at the front of the line. He absently reached his hand back, glancing back as well before he took a light hold of Alphonse's wrist.

He'd done it simply because Mustang had said Alphonse would be his plus one and since most people had female plus ones he didn't want the security guy to give Alphonse any skeptical looks to which he'd have to clarify that Al was there with him…

…but then again, maybe it wasn't the best thing to do because the next assumption of  _anyone_  who didn't know them seeing him do that would assume they were a couple.

' _The fuck do I care what strangers_ _ **assume**_ _about us…'_  he tried to be confident internally but since they were guilty of something so wrong…it affected him emotionally.

Still he didn't let go as he waited for the security man to acknowledge them,

"This is an exclusive guest list party." He stated loudly over the noise in the streets, "Payable entry isn't guaranteed but you can wait in line." He had a gruff voice suiting his large build.

Edward had never been intimidated by muscle and his voice –confident and almost lightly threatening- was steady as he spoke,

"I'm on the guest list, Edward Elric plus one." He was lucky he hadn't said more than a few short words because seconds after he'd stopped speaking Alphonse intertwined their fingers and he was sure he would have faltered or stuttered.

After all they were in public…

There were a few complaints and groans from the queue…and some gasps of recognition of the name, the security guard only raised an eyebrow, glanced over him and then Alphonse…then their joined hands –Edward swallowed thickly wondering what he was thinking- and then the guard looked over the first page on the clipboard he held.

He scanned the first page to the end and then flipped to the next…and Edward decided he'd  **murder**  Mustang and bury his body with manure if he'd forgotten to put him on his guest list.

His premeditated murder plans were halted near the end of the second page,

"General Roy Mustang's party, Edward Elric plus one. Gotcha." He said more to himself as he ticked it off and then moved to unclip the rope.

Edward let Alphonse walk through first –and they separated hands- before he followed. They walked shoulder to shoulder up the few stairs covered by a red carpet and the doorman pulled the door open for them with a half bow and smile…letting out a rush of noise and warmth from inside.

They walked inside, Edward let a relieved breath at the welcoming warmth as they stopped in the club foyer where the coat check in desk was and they handed in their coats and gloves, Alphonse, being the more responsible of the two, took the ticket and put it in his pocket.

Alphonse started walking to the second entrance, beyond which Edward could see people and hear a lot of noise and so he quickly caught Alphonse's wrist to stop him, he turned around but said nothing and Edward glanced to check if the desk assistant was listening before he pulled Al aside,

"You said you were okay this morning, I mean, pain wise. Are you okay now?" he felt stupid for not asking earlier. Alphonse nodded calmly,

"Yeah, I took two painkillers before we left home, I'll be fine, it's not so bad." He said quietly.

Edward nodded, looking over Alphonse's face with a sad frown,

"Try to have fun okay, it's good for us to get out…" he mumbled, he was saying it now because he knew once they walked into the actual club they wouldn't get another chance to speak until they left.

Alphonse nodded,

"I will…and you should too." His voice was flat.

Edward sighed,  
"Are you…are you mad at me?" he shouldn't be asking, he was already going back on his plans because he felt like if Alphonse said he wanted to go home right then he'd just say 'yes' and they'd leave,

"No…I'm not." Alphonse said quietly with a shake of his head and a forced smile.

Edward's took a deep breath while pressing his fingers into his eyes, his emotions were all over the place. One part of him was insisting he was doing the right thing by coming here, the other was telling him to drag Alphonse out of there and take him home where they could be alone and the younger blonde wouldn't look so upset. But it was too late, they were already at the club and there was no point leaving, so Edward raised his hand and gestured for Alphonse to walk ahead of him through the second entrance.

The club was impressive, it was a very large space circular in layout, from the entrance there were steps leading downward to a dance floor at the center of the club and the large stage at one end. There were seating levels separated by large insteps and banisters, each level had tables all the way around until the stage where a live jazz band was performing with a female vocalist, the evening's entertainment. There was also an upstairs level overseeing the lower level and stage, the entire club had décor in colors of rich red and gold, the lighting was dim, the club smelled of perfume, smoke, sweet alcohol and it was very warm…and full of people…

Edward and Alphonse stood at the inside of the entrance arch and Edward suddenly regretted his bright idea. The place was packed, loud and made him feel a little claustrophobic.

Their eerie quiet apartment seemed like heaven to Edward right then.

He glanced at Alphonse and saw that he was frowning before he glanced to Edward as well and they stared at each other for a few seconds in uncertainty. But Edward –as much as he wanted to- couldn't turn back now…indeed the place was full of people and many of which were very attractive young women, this was what Alphonse needed. Options.

He leaned closer to his younger brother so he didn't have to shout over the noise and music,

"Let's find Mustang, Al." he said almost against Al's ear and he lingered longer than he had to.

Alphonse nodded at him when he leaned back and they started to walk forward, down a few of the red velvet carpeted stairs. Edward glanced around, leaning, peeking around and standing on his toes a few times to see if he could spot the General or even Havoc or Breda at any of the tables.

"Edward!" he blinked when he heard his name shouted through the noise of the club and people, he'd barely made out the sound, he turned around and started looking in all directions.

He felt a tap on his shoulder and glanced at Alphonse, who met his eyes and then looked up…not smiling.

Edward raised his eyes to the upper floor to see Havoc leaning over the banister, he spared a greeting wave when Ed looked at him and then pointed in a direction to their far right, passed lots of tables to the back of the club next to the stage and when Edward glanced over in that direction he saw Mustang wave a hand at them.

He was really far in and from what Edward could see, in the back the tables and booths were larger to accommodate bigger parties of people.

He waved back half-heartedly and then looked back up to Havoc, exchanging a nod with him before he finally turned back to Alphonse…who was staring straight at him, Edward kept his face impassive,

"Come on…" he patted Alphonse's shoulder firmly, brotherly…and he saw Alphonse's eyes narrow very slightly at him before he turned around and started to weave his way through the crowds, with a hollow feeling in his stomach.

After much negotiating of the crowd, some people who recognized him from his military days and others just drunk and friendly halting their progress, they finally reached Mustang's party of people…and it was a large party indeed.

He saw familiar faces from the military amongst all the people in the group, Fuery, Breda and even Riza were seated in the large double booths, everyone was dressed in suit jackets and nice shirts and pants, ladies were in dresses of different colors and styles, mostly tight…and short. When they walked over Mustang was waiting for them and he smiled in his bastardly way, Edward raised his eyebrows and civilly clasped a shaking hand with Mustang in a friendly greeting hardly used between them.

"Edward, Alphonse…glad you could make it." He said with a smile, he wasn't looking too drunk yet.

Ed glanced at Alphonse when Mustang turned to him and he was amazed at the bright smile on his younger brother's gorgeous face, beaming at Mustang as he shook his hand and was patted on his shoulder.

"It's always nice to see you, sir." Alphonse sounded sincere, even if Edward knew he wasn't.

If he'd never known before that his brother could lie, he did now.

"This place is busy…" Edward kept his voice just audible over the music of the live band as he looked around.

"It's New Year's Eve, what were you expecting?" Mustang stepped between them and placed an arm around each of their shoulders before getting his friends attention to where they stood at the edge of the large gathering, "…let me introduce you guys to everyone you don't know." He was grinning.

And Edward was getting a head ache.

There were 24 people in Mustang's party, eleven of them were men –including Ed and Al- and the rest were women…which didn't surprise Edward at all.

There were two Patricia's and a girl about their age named Carmen but that was all he bothered to actually take in as Mustang introduced them around to everyone sitting spread out in two booths with tables full of alcohol bottles and glasses and two free standing tables in the same condition.

Finally when all of the social norms were out of the way, Edward sat down on one of the individual chairs at the open end of the booth and Alphonse sat at the edge of a seat of the booth.

Drinks were offered, the table was covered in finished, half-finished and sealed drinks and they could take their pick, the bar tab for their party was taken care of as far as everyone said.

So Edward hailed a waitress, ordered a drink for himself and Alphonse and they settled into the group, but as conversations started up and Edward found himself caught up in old familiar military banter with Mustang, Havoc, Breda and a guy named Gabe he'd never met before, people shifted, drinks came and went, people left to dance, people came over to ask for dances…

Alphonse had been talking to Riza and her boyfriend for only a short while…before a girl came over and asked him to dance…

…very soon the chaos and noise of the club had easily swallowed them up…

* * *

Edward was in the back of the booth an hour and a half later, he was on his third Vodka drink and nowhere near drunk. He was in the company of Gabe and Janet…who were making out about five feet from him in the booth but he wasn't interested in them, he was sitting with his head leaned back against the high booth seat, his hand around the cool glass of his half empty drink, the noise of the club a steady no longer obtrusive noise in his ears…and there was a small sad smile on his face.

He didn't know where everyone had gone off too but he didn't care where they were lost in the crowd, for the moment –surrounded by noise and alcohol glasses and bottles- his stress and worry was not bothering him.

Alphonse was enjoying himself…he really believed it…his brother was a natural with people.

Edward blinked out of his relaxed daze when Havoc walked up to the booth and sat down, sliding himself in so he was close enough to be heard,

"Boss, what the hell, aren't you even gonna dance, you haven't moved at all?" he said around a half-finished cigarette as he sifted through the alcohol decorating the table to find himself a sealed drink.

Edward frowned at the old nickname 'boss' and leaned forward, elbows resting on the table,

"I don't dance…" he raised his glass to his mouth and paused, "…ever." He said surely to silence whatever Havoc had been about to say and then he finished off his clear drink with a small grimace.

Havoc was laughing as he found a sealed cider, a bright purple one, he twisted the cap off while shaking his head,

"Not like it matters huh…" he grinned and Edward raised an eyebrow, "…Al is dancing enough for both of you." He informed.

Edward smiled, genuinely happy to hear it, he'd only caught glimpses of Alphonse between dances and conversation…and the younger man wasn't even really paying any attention to him besides giving him an acknowledging glance whenever he came by the booth.

They hadn't been alone once since they arrived.

And Edward's insides felt hollow…but this was what was best for Alphonse.

"Yeah, I know. I always knew my little brother would be a lady-killer." Edward plucked a golden colored cider from the array of alcohol, deciding to try it out since he couldn't see the waitress.

"Why is it…!" Mustang had arrived before Havoc could say anything and they both looked at him –collectively ignoring the snogging pair in their peripheral- "…that when I find myself in many ladies company I'm a sleazy womanizer but your brother…" he sat down and slid in next to Havoc, "…who has danced with at least ten girls-…"

"Thirteen." Havoc added with a nod and a raise of his bottle, "I'm counting."

Mustang looked even more impressed,

"…thirteen,  _thirteen_  girls Fullmetal, why is it that he's a lady-killer and not a sleazebag? I ask you that." He pointed at the table as he drank what was left in his held glass.

He was a lot more drunk by now.

Edward wasn't really surprised by the number of girls showing interest in Alphonse in just an hour and a half…but some part of him felt a little…emptier for it. He found himself wondering if Alphonse liked any of them yet. Despite his misplaced sadness he smiled after sipping the bubbly drink,  
"Because  **you**  have a black book and a bad rep Mustang, my brother is a gentleman and he'd never take a girl to bed just for a new notch on his bed post." He said surely.

It felt good to be among old friends.

Havoc nodded,

"I agree chief, you're a stone cold heartbreaker…and a girl thief." He said rather soberly for his drunk self.

"A sleazebag." Edward grinned at his former CO who was pouting drunkenly as he brushed his dark hair back from his face.

Mustang's pout didn't last long before he was grinning in his usual smug way,

"Even so, I know many many men who would love to get their hands on my black book…" he glanced specifically at Havoc who took another swig of his drink and rolled his eyes…even though it was true and they all knew it.

Edward found himself laughing at them mildly, Havoc laughed some too and Mustang just smirked and looked around…then finally the smooching pair fumbled out of the booth, stood up and rushed off somewhere flushed faced and looking eager.

"1000 Cenz says they're going to the bathrooms to fuck." Havoc leaned back, his arm extended to his drink on the table.

"It won't be any good, the stalls are too small to get creative." Mustang added.

Edward made a face and looked at him and so did Havoc, Edward with disgust and Havoc with envy,

"That's disgusting." Edward laughed.

"You're my hero." Havoc made a mock bow and Mustang played along and gave a light bow of his head acknowledging the admiration.

They both turned to look at him next and he frowned since Mustang got up to get in on the other end of the booth and soon he found himself sandwiched between them as they concocted some strange mixture of alcohol's from the table into a glass for him,

"I'm not drinking that, fuck you both." He tipped his head at each of them, sitting back and crossing his arms over his chest, feeling too warm in his sport jacket since it was hot inside the club.

"Come on Ed! You've been spacing your drinks out, don't you wanna get smashed?" Havoc nudged him right before his attention was drawn to a black clad curvy blonde who walked by the table, he nearly dropped his latest cigarette from his mouth as he rushed out of the booth to follow her.

"Edward…" he jumped at the words said from the still occupied side of him and he turned to face Mustang, "…you said on the phone that you'd be the one I could get drunk…now your brother is doing just fine with the women, as was the agreement…so hold up your end, drink up." He tapped the glass.

For the first time Edward noticed his fingers felt sticky when he clenched his fists, he wasn't exactly sure if getting drunk was wise. He'd hardly ever been drunk so he didn't know how he behaved…and alcohol was a depressant, he was afraid he might start saying certain …things…if his inhibitions slipped.

He was feeling pretty shitty right then, what with the prospect of losing his brother hanging over his head.

He glanced from Mustang's expectant face to the glass,

"Come on, I'll drink…but I'm not mixing alcohol like that. I wanna have a good time, I don't wanna throw up before the New Year is in." he reasoned as he sipped the cider he still held, then he nudged the glass in Mustang's direction, "…but you can go ahead." He smiled innocently.

Mustang pushed it away,

"I only drink whiskey…" he said plainly and his drunken expression eased into a calm seriousness as the music changed into a slower jazz song, "…you sounded keen on the phone…" he leaned forward on his elbows, turning his head to the side to look back at Edward, "…like you intended to get drunk and let Alphonse have some fun, sounded like you needed it."

Edward should have known that there would be some questions, Mustang was too involved in his life for his own good. He sighed, glanced around and then leaned forward as well, making Mustang shift over slightly for him,

"Yeah, we needed to unwind…everyone does some time. But I can't get pissed drunk, not with Alphonse around. I wouldn't like him to see me that way." He lied easily.

He'd never had any intention of getting drunk, this was about Alphonse, but his lie was believable.

Mustang smirked,

"The way things are going your brother might leave here tonight without you, he's danced quite a few times with a pretty little brunette, probably likes her." He informed the blonde.

Edward tried to picture Alphonse dancing to distract himself from the constriction of his chest, he was almost tempted to go and look for him on the dance floor just to watch him. He'd never been a good dancer, mostly because he didn't want to dance, ever…but also his automail had always made him feel awkward about dancing.

"Good for him…if he does leave with a girl, I'll get really fucked up drunk, I promise." And he was being very very serious, Mustang just nodded with a smirk.

That emptiness inside of him was starting to feel a little painful…especially at the thought of Alphonse leaving without him, taking a girl home to more than likely fuck her. It hadn't seemed possible when they'd first arrived but from what everyone was saying it seemed like it might just happen yet, it would drive home the plan…and sever their relationship in the worst way.

But it was another necessary pain he'd suffer for Alphonse's sake.

"…and…I'll have to crash at your place." He added after blinking himself out of his thoughts, he looked to Mustang who was looking directly at him without much expression but a thoughtful gaze, "What?" he glanced over Mustang's face, slightly sweaty, red from his moderate intoxication and his eyes a little lazy.

"You had that look on your face…the one you used to get whenever you'd think about succeeding in getting Alphonse's body back, like a bitter sweet happiness." he narrowed his dark eyes and Edward looked down at the table as Mustang kept talking, "I don't know what happened to make you so un-well but I know it had something to do with Alphonse." He admitted quietly, "At least it seems to have blown over…"

Edward nodded neutrally and looked back to Mustang, absently running his hand over his ponytail before pushing it back over his shoulder,

"Yeah, it's fine now. So stop being such a bastard and bringing it up." He said audibly.

Mustang gave a slow nod as he glanced around,

"You should dance."

"I don't dance." Edward glared at his side profile.

"I'm going to dance."

"Break a leg." Ed said it with a smirk and Mustang smirked back before nodding and slipping his way out of the booth…easily disappearing into the crowd.

Edward sighed in relief, hoping that would be the official end of prying Mustang.

"Hey you…got you another drink." a light friendly feminine voice made him look up from the table.

He smiled neutrally at the waitress that had been bussing their table for the night, she was young, pretty, fair and blonde with light brown eyes. She wore the Red Velvet uniform, a mid-thigh black skirt with a red waistcoat over a black short sleeve shirt and a red bowtie, her hair was pulled into a high ponytail.

She was smiling at him, she'd come by the table quite a few times and sometimes she'd brought a drink with her for him, this time as well. Edward took the glass she held out to him after sliding a little around the large table to reach it,

"Thanks…" he nodded.

This time though she lingered, whereas each time before she had just moved on,

"My names Kimberly."

Edward remained where he was newly sitting and looked up at her again from his Vodka, he assumed he knew why she was introducing herself. She'd been by the table, passed by it and every time he was sitting by himself, dateless and not dancing.

Now she was introducing herself…

"Edward." He said neutrally, not looking to encourage her. This night wasn't about him.

Still, she didn't walk away and Edward watched her, knowing she was going to say something else,

"You've been sitting here all night, I figured you were waiting for a date…" she raised her eyebrows and placed one hand on her hip while she held the tray in the other hand, "…but I haven't seen anyone." She tipped her head at him, trying to act cute.

She was cute.

Edward raised his eyebrows, wondering if maybe,

"You don't have to feel sorry for me, I didn't come out to meet anyone." He informed her with half a smile.

She kept a steady gaze on him,

"I'm not feeling sorry for you," she smiled, "I'm actually counting myself lucky. I saw you when you came in, thought a guy like you had to have a girlfriend or a date…"

Edward smiled slightly, he was tempted to ask what sort of guy he was…but that would be like fishing for a compliment,

"I…uh…have to pee." He looked away from her and knocked back the drink she'd brought him too quickly, he knew he'd feel it in about five minutes.

He didn't know what else to say to her, ten different things came to mind that would set him up to probably get laid or at least into the cute blondes panties in some form before the New Year was in…but he didn't want that. He honestly wasn't even remotely interested.

He moved toward the end of the booth and stood up, she was now just a foot away and she was only just shorter than him in her flat shoes,

"Is there a girlfriend, is she just not here?" she asked a little awkwardly, still smiling, probably a little thrown off by his abrupt brush off.

Edward felt a little dizzy as he stood up, he stared into her light eyes and smiled apologetically,

"Uh, no…" he shook his head lightly, "…I'm just not dating right now." He said gently.

She smiled,

"How about next year?" she glanced at the wrist watch she wore.

Edward managed a quiet laugh at her humor and she smiled cutely, then there was an awkward moment of silence amidst the noise around them and people brushing by before she nodded,

"That's too bad." She sounded like she really thought so, "If you change your mind though, I get off at 1 am, maybe we could get a cup of coffee, you might be drunk enough to need it by then." She pointed at his chest and Edward almost stepped back from her when her long nailed finger lightly touching him, "I'll bring you another drink in about ten minutes, kay Edward." She smiled again and after he nodded she walked away.

Edward watched her go…though he didn't really watch her…just the outline of her form as it blended into the people around him, his brain was racing slightly.

It was weird, he'd felt like even thinking she was cute was like cheating…on Alphonse. But then he remembered he was here to get Alphonse to hook up with a girl and that it could mean his younger brother would hate him for severing their new relationship…everything was so fucked up.

Yet he still wouldn't even consider 'cheating' on his brother.

He turned away from the table and pushed his way through the crowds, making his way to the restrooms.

* * *

Edward exited the mostly empty restroom after having relieved himself and splashing some cool water on his face. He felt a bit better now, his face felt less sticky after he'd dried it off and he felt less dizzy.

As he walked back to the table he looked over the crowded dance floor, he spotted Riza dancing with Mustang but no one else he knew, no Alphonse. He hadn't seen the younger blonde in about an hour and it was starting to worry him…but when he got back to the table he felt relieved to see Alphonse sitting in the booth near the end, he looked up when Edward sat down across from him.

Edward looked over the younger blonde, he looked a little tired, his styled hair was falling more naturally from the sweat and heat, his cheeks were a faint red –so were his lips Edward couldn't help noticing,

"Was just getting worried…haven't seen you much since we got here." Edward said audibly, brushing his fingers through his bangs before leaning his elbows on the table.

Alphonse stared at him tiredly and then leaned on the table as well,

"I've just been trying to enjoy myself, isn't that what you wanted?" he didn't sound happy.

Edward blinked lazily,

"Are you enjoying yourself?" he felt like he already knew the answer.

Alphonse lowered his eyes to the various bottles and glasses on the table,

"It's fun to dance, I only went dancing with Winry once years ago but I enjoyed it then…" he admitted.

Edward hadn't even known that, he didn't want to talk about Winry though so he changed the subject,

"I'm glad you're enjoying yourself…" Alphonse looked at him, "…I heard from the guys that you're dancing with a lot of girls…a-and that you might, uh…like a certain b-brunette you danced with a lot." He had intended to sound casual about it but Alphonse's direct –unfriendly- stare made him falter.

He felt like Alphonse could see right through him…and he wasn't entirely wrong.

"Is that why we're here Edward…" his voice was rigid, "…so that we can meet people, you're hoping I'll see a girl and just fall in love like some hormonal teenager," he leaned forward more, "and you, you're hoping to meet someone too huh, I saw that blonde waitress, she keeps coming over here…" he was clenching his teeth but keeping his voice low.

Still Edward's insides were shaking, he was  **afraid**  of a confrontation in public, nothing good would come from that, so he needed to diffuse the tension and Alphonse's anger, he leaned more forward as well,

"N-no Alphonse, it's not like that…look we can't…talk about  **this**  here." He emphasized.

"Then let's go home Edward, I reek of perfume and I'm tired." He frowned, sounding sincere.

It was such a simple request, the quiet of the apartment sounded so good right then and Alphonse looked so tired, Edward wouldn't mind just holding him in bed after a hot shower, inhaling his comforting scent…and kissing him until he was unable to stay awake, his plan had been so stupid anyway…

Edward was about to nod and say okay…but then Mustang came back with about ten other people all carrying champagne bottles, ice buckets and glasses.

The New Year would be rolling in soon…getting away right then would be hard to do without notice or complaint. The two Elric's were forced to shimmy into the booth so they were sitting right in the middle at the back, everyone sat down, more people joining the group and eventually Edward and Alphonse were squashed in, shoulder to shoulder…thigh to thigh…

...and everyone was talking at once, some to Edward, some to Alphonse, everyone to each other as they passed drinks around, the ice buckets with champagne were set down on the table after two waitresses cleared the previous scatter of unfinished drinks and glasses.

Once again they were swallowed up into the noise and Edward felt hot and sticky again in no time. The songs changed, people started gathering and the club seemed twice as full as it had been when they'd first arrived, Edward felt it more than saw it…

…what he felt without a doubt however was Alphonse's hand as it settled on his mid-thigh under the red table cloth, Edward physically startled but with all the hustle and bustle and talking no one noticed, not even Breda who was right beside him.

Edward took a short shaken breath and looked at Alphonse sharply, but he was smiling at something someone was saying right then and only spared a glance at Edward…still his hand remained where it was. Edward wanted to yell at him for being so fucking careless  _again_  but…no one was even paying attention, nor could they see anything, him over reacting would probably draw attention to them.

Still, Alphonse was behaving very rebelliously and it wasn't any good and Edward knew it was his fault for putting them into this situation in the first place.

' _Why did I do this…?'_  he gave Breda a forced but believable smile as the larger man laughed about something and nudged him. He was just about to remove Alphonse's hand from his thigh when the blonde waitress, Kimberly, came back with a single clear liquid drink on her tray.

She leaned over more than she should have and gave Edward –Alphonse, Breda and another girl beside the younger blonde- a decent view of her nicely sized cleavage,

"Sorry I'm late Edward, had a big table to serve." she apologized with familiarity.

Edward stood up as much as he could –and Alphonse removed his hand- he leaned across to take the glass from her, not missing Mustang's encouraging wink and glance at her posterior from where he sat outside of the booth,

"Thanks for remembering, champagne gives me a headache, I'll need this." He joked.

She smiled once he'd taken the glass and stood up straight,

"Have a happy new year everyone." She said to everyone –they all returned her words and raised glasses to her- and before she left she smiled a final time at Edward.

"She likes you Ed." Breda nudged him again and he grimaced inwardly.

"Ed, you have to get her number." Havoc insisted as he lit up a cigarette while a few other people, even some of the girls voiced their encouragement.

But he didn't have to answer because suddenly the music lowered until it was completely off and a countdown started.

10…9…8…7

Edward glanced at Alphonse but the younger blonde wasn't looking at him, instead watching everyone around the table with fake interest…but no smile on his face.

6…5…4…

Edward looked back to everyone as well, seeing that four of the guys –including Mustang- were holding champagne bottles ready to pop them open.

3…2…1…

The synchronized shout of 'Happy New Year' from hundreds of people was almost deafening…and following it were loud celebratory exclamations, fireworks booming outside, clapping, people kissing, hugging, hundreds of loud popping sounds followed by splashes and shoots of champagne bubbles…some of which splattered on the table and Edward had to wipe stray droplets from his face…then the music started back up louder than before.

Edward took the champagne glasses held out to him and he turned to his younger brother to hand one to him, Alphonse took the glass without looking at him and with a unanimous clinking of glasses and another round of 'happy new year' chorused, everybody drank their champagne…

…ten minutes later another girl had dragged Alphonse off to dance and a different one had tried –unsuccessfully- to get Edward to dance. That left him at the table alone again after everyone had once again scattered throughout the club…and Edward was more than ready to go home.

First though he had to wait for Alphonse, he'd decided to abandon the plan for the night…or forever, after the younger blonde's earlier words and actions Edward doubted that his little brother would be going home with anyone that night…anyone but him…to their shared bed and sinful closeness.

A closeness Edward found himself looking forward to…

He waited at the table, the champagne was giving him a headache and mixing badly with everything else he'd been drinking, also he'd already finished the drink the waitress had brought him…but she was back another ten minutes later,

"You sure you want this?" she asked sincerely to him where he sat at the back of the booth.

He didn't but he felt empty, tired, dizzy and sore already, what difference would it make,

"Yeah sure…" he nodded and gestured for her to bring it closer, he didn't feel like moving.

He watched as she sat down and slid into the booth, closer than she had to, to hand him the drink. Edward swallowed it down in two gulps and the waitress shook her head, then slid closer until she was right next to him,

"Happy New Year." she bumped shoulders with him.

He glanced at her,

"Same to you…"

"You don't sound happy." She informed him with a curious smile.

He sighed,

"If you keep the drinks coming…I'll be happy." He smiled back.

She nodded slowly and then slipped out of the booth a second later…and made two more rounds back to the table five minutes apart with drinks and Edward didn't hesitate to drink them down.

Somehow the night just felt all fucked up.

Within a half hour he was far more drunk than he should have been and Alphonse finally came back to the table, looking -to Edward- even more tired, slightly blurry and irritated,

"Edward, you said we'd leave after midnight, can we go please, now." He didn't sound like he was asking.

Edward had his head leaned back against the booth seat and he frowned drunkenly,

"Yea…hokay…call a cab Alphonssse." He nodded faintly.

He watched as Alphonse's expression went from irritation to anger,

"You're drunk…you're fucking  **drunk**." He shook his head and pressed a hand to his forehead.

"Here you go Ed…ward." Kimberly –who had just come back- paused with the glass in her hand when Alphonse turned his angry expression to her,

"Can't you see he's had enough fucking alcohol!" Alphonse raised his voice at her but it was drowned out with the noise around them, still Edward wasn't all that drunk and he could see a train wreck in progress,

"Al...Alphonse…" he sat forward.

She blinked and frowned at Alphonse,

"He's a customer sir, he orders drinks and I bring them to him. He's not making any trouble…unless a bouncer throws him out his money is valuable." She placed the drink down on the table to make her point.

"Alphonse…" Edward started to move toward the end of the booth quickly.

Alphonse wasn't the type to make a scene or yell at a woman, still, he didn't need to raise his voice to be nasty or rude,

"Yes I'm so sure you're interested in him as a customer, it has nothing to do with you liquoring him up so he'll be too drunk to say no to your forward advances. It's unbecoming for a woman, you should stop acting like such a sl-…"

"Alphonse!" Edward stood up behind his younger brother and put his hands on his shoulders firmly, silencing his forthcoming uncharacteristic harsh words.

Alphonse had also been –occasionally- drinking, Edward knew both of them weren't at their best.

She was a little wide eyed as she looked from Alphonse to Edward and he swallowed, tasting the Vodka tainting his tongue and belatedly regretting drinking too much too fast – he was grateful for his high metabolism,

"I'm sorry, I wasn't supposed to be drinking so much. My brother is just upset." He patted Alphonse's rigid shoulders with an awkward smile.

She nodded, frowning slightly and forced a smile,

"It's okay I guess…" she gave Alphonse a dirty once over and then walked away.

After all, he'd been about to call her a slut, Edward didn't blame her.

He sighed right when Alphonse shrugged him off and turned to face him, still angry,

"Why…why are we here? Did you just want to get drunk…? Did you want to drown your troubles Edward…did you want to get drunk because of…" he looked like he was struggling to hold in some sort of pain and then through clenched teeth he said harshly and quietly, "…I told you not to fucking lie to me and tell me you were okay…when you're obviously fucking not." with tears in his eyes he turned around and walked away.

Mustang had just walked over and Alphonse shoved passed him, head down and moving in the direction of the exit. Edward stared after him as his emotional control quickly started to derail, he blinked when Mustang placed a hand on his shoulder, having barely noticed him,

"You okay, what was that about?" he asked.

Edward swallowed thickly as nausea wracked his frame and he was almost 100 percent certain he'd throw up, placing his hand to his mouth lightly, he shoved passed Mustang as well and rushed in the direction of the restrooms.

Edward pushed through some people but most just cleared out of the way, laughing or making jokes about 'another one' obviously because a lot of people had probably thrown up from over drinking.

Best they didn't know the real reason.

He reached the men's restroom and pushed the swing door open, rushing to an open stall…but he stopped short when he realized once again his nausea was just unsettling sickening guilt, he exhaled slowly and loudly. He gave the guy who was just zipping up at the urinal a 'what the fuck are you looking at' glare, the half-drunk man quickly looked away and left the room.

Edward felt his insides shaking as he tried desperately not to cry.

He walked slowly out of the stall and glanced around the restroom, when he saw no one he clenched his teeth, determined not to break down but still hurting. He leaned against the fancy wash basins with an arms around his mid-section, head hung and breaths shaking.

Alphonse had looked so angry and hurt, he was probably crying…and Edward had thought he was strong enough to push his little brother away but he  **wasn't** , he could barely handle what had just happened.

' _I'm too selfish, I need him too much. I can't live with a look like that being the last he ever gives me.'_  He shut his eyes tightly.

The door sounded as it swung in and he quickly glanced up to see who'd entered and then he let out a shuddering breath when he saw it was Mustang, looking far too sober and frowning far too deeply.

Edward waited for him to say something but he didn't, instead he walked to the stalls and pushed all the doors in, confirming no one was inside and then he went back to the door and Edward frowned as he clapped his hands, touched the door and alchemized it sealed.

He took two quick shocked breaths,

"What the fuck are you doing!?"

Mustang turned to him and walked over,

"No more bullshit Edward, what the hell was that just now?"

Edward felt his resolve not to cry start to crumble, he was a little drunk, too emotional, worried about Alphonse, confused and hurting right then, he wasn't in the best place.

"I-it's…Alphonse he…" he clenched his jaw and blinked as his eyes burned, "…he's mad at me for getting drunk, that's all." He lied…and tears slipped from his eyes against his will.

Edward would hate himself for the rest of his life for what happened next in front of Mustang…but he couldn't help it, his resolve broke and he leaned heavily against the basins as his body shook with sobs and his tears fell freely.

It was awkward for a moment, Mustang looked like he'd just seen a ghost when Edward had started to cry and it took a moment for him to fully approach and lightly place his hands on Ed's shaking shoulders, the blonde had his head hung and his eyes shut as he cried.

"Edward, for fucks sake, something has to be seriously wrong for you to…cry. Talk to me." He squeezed Ed's shoulders.

Edward couldn't help his tears, he just had to wait for them to stop, but he still had his coherence so he swallowed sorely and opened his eyes, raising his head to look at Mustang.

He couldn't tell the full truth…but he needed to say something,

"I…I don't know how to make him happy." His voice was shaken.

Mustang frowned,

"Alphonse?"

Edward nodded and sniffed,

"I want to give him everything he wants but it's not easy…and I keep letting him down, disappointing him and he looks at me, like I'm hurting him…and I know-" his voice cracked, "-I know that  **I am hurting him**."

Mustang sighed and squeezed his shoulders again before letting go,

"Edward, he travelled for a long time separate from you, you guys have moved here, he's going to university, you've made a home for the two of you…you're working long term contracts that you hate, you're doing all of this to make him happy…?" he was saying the obvious about what Edward had told him but the blonde still listened and nodded subtly "…Ed, in the past, out of everything you ever did for Al, do you know what the one thing that made him happiest was?" the older man asked.

Edward blinked slowly as tears slid down his cheeks and he looked up from the floor to Mustang who had his arms across his chest, he shook his head and the older man smiled,

"You." He said simply.

Edward closed his eyes as his stomach hurt all over again and he frowned,

"…uhg…" he said inarticulately.

Mustang actually laughed quietly,

"It might sound corny but it's true of both of you. Neither of you cared much for accolades or material things, if you were happy he was happy and vice versa. Ed I don't think Alphonse cares much about everything you're doing, I'm sure it only matters to him that you're happy too. Now you're doing all of these things for him…maybe he's feeling guilty and so he's not taking it well and you're unhappy that he's unhappy, it'll be an endless cycle at this rate. The two of you were always too close for your own good…" he said in a light affectionate voice.

And Edward swallowed down the need to throw up again because Mustang had no  **idea**  the extent to which those words were true…and while he had the incorrect scenario, he'd said a lot of true stuff.

All Alphonse wanted was him and all he wanted was to never lose Alphonse.

They made each other happy.

Simple, complicated, wrong and right.

"You two just need to find a middle ground and stop stressing each other out so much…at least now I get why you said you needed to unwind." He patted Ed's shoulder again and the blonde nodded in feigned agreement, "Now let's get you out of here, I'll drive you home. Bobby said he saw Alphonse get into a cab so he's gone home, you should too and you guys can hash this out." Mustang made it sound so simple.

Edward went along with Mustang after wiping his face dry, the hand on his shoulder wasn't much of a comfort, instead it was a plan of action because right then he just felt like curling up and crying. He waited as Mustang unsealed the door and then they walked out before several waiting people rushed in. He followed the older man through the still busy club until they reached the exit and the coat desk where Mustang found his ticket in one of his pockets and the assistant handed him his coat.

Edward explained that Alphonse had the coat ticket and after describing him to the attendant the man said he'd left a name on a piece of paper for the second coat. Edward gave his name and retrieved his coat, pulling it on before they left the warm place…and it was freezing outside.

Mustang complained all the way in his car about the cold and Edward kept silent, trying to figure out what to do next…because going back to the way things were yesterday seemed like the best solution.

He wasn't looking forward to more crying, tears, shame and anger.

They were passed all of that and he'd fucked it up, he always fucked it up.

Now he just wanted to apologize and tell Alphonse that he loved him.

When the car stopped he looked up from the dashboard to see they were stopped outside the entrance of his apartment building, he sighed,

"Thanks, sorry if I ruined your night or anything." He opened the car door.

"No you didn't, I'm tired anyway…besides I got quite a few numbers." Mustang said with a smirk.

Edward got out of the car shaking his head,

"Goodnight sleazebag." He was about to shut the door when he remembered, "Shit, I owe you money for mine and Al's bar tab…" he sighed tiredly and started to take his wallet out of his pocket.

Mustang shrugged,

"Don't worry about it now, come see me at work tomorrow when your sober, we'll sort it out."

Edward didn't want to waste any time arguing so he just shut the door and stepped back.

Mustang honked the horn once before he pulled off the curb and drove away, Edward walked onto the sidewalk and up to the doors, pushing his way through into the warm lobby.

His face was burning from the cold outside and he hadn't even been in it for very long.

With all of his anxiousness, regrets and uncertainties, he made his way across the empty lobby, up the stairs and to the apartment door, where he let himself in without hesitation, closed and locked the door behind him and then shrugged off his coat and stepped out of his boots.

The apartment lights were off, the only light was from the fire in the lounge, which meant Alphonse had lit it and was either asleep or waiting up. Edward swallowed thickly, the taste of Vodka still heavy on his tongue, he walked as quietly as he could to the lounge entrance and looked inside.

Alphonse was awake and sitting in the spot Edward usually sat in, right at the end of the sofa near the fire place, still wearing his outing clothes minus his coat, jacket and shoes. He sat up straight and shifted to the edge of the seat when he saw the older blonde.

Edward swallowed again and started to shrug out of his sport jacket as he took slow steps into the lounge,

"Are you okay?" he asked genuinely concerned, tossing the jacket onto the single couch.

Alphonse had been crying, he could tell once he got closer,

"No Edward, I'm  **not**  okay." He said steadily and loudly. Edward knew instantly they were going to argue when Alphonse stood up, "I asked you not to lie to me, you told me with a straight face that you didn't regret what happened but you obviously did because it's only been a day and you wanted to get out, you didn't want to be alone with me right? You wanted to be around people and get drunk, right? Was all  **that**  easier than just telling me  **the fucking truth**." He breathed heavily and glared at Edward, he wasn't yelling, just talking loudly.

Edward's insides were hurting, his head was spinning and he'd cried already, all that was left was the truth, he shook his head,

"No, no Alphonse you have it all wrong." He said quietly, not wanting to yell in case the neighbors heard.

Alphonse huffed and frowned, shaking his head,

"Which part do I have wrong? The part where you  _wanted_  to go out, the part where you  _hoped_  I might enjoy myself and find a pretty little girl for myself, the part where that waitre-…" he trailed off and shook his head.

Edward stared straight at him, golden eyes tired and his pain etched into his face, he was no longer going to hide his emotions, whatever had changed left him feeling everything properly, personified, including the sexual interest he'd developed for Alphonse.

It had been nagging at him all night.

Alphonse sighed, sniffed and wiped away some of his tears,

"Why then Ed, why all of this?" he breathed out shakily.

Edward shrugged,

"It doesn't matter why I did it…it was stupid and I proved to myself that we can't go back, we ca-…" his throat hurt.

"You wanted to go  **back?** " Alphonse breathed cutting him off, "How am I wrong about you regretting this if you wanted to go back?" he gestured between them, voice a trembling whisper.

"I just wanted you to see that you had options Alphonse, natural, normal, legal and healthy options." Edward said firmly now, hating to see Alphonse cry.

The younger blonde ran his shaking hands through his hair,

"But I told you Ed, I don't want options, I don't want anyone except you…I told you I'm in love with you. I told you I don't care that we're brothers, I just need you."

The severe gravity of those words sunk in heavily like every time before Edward had ever heard them, he nodded sadly and blinked some tears out of his eyes,

"I…I know. I knew all along, I just thought I'd try one last time to give you a normal life."

Alphonse was shaking his head as he cried slightly,

"That doesn't change the fact that you're unhappy, you're hurting and I told you I would  **not**  hurt you anymore, not after everything you've done for me…" he sniffed and walked around the coffee table, "…we can't go back, but we can stop."

Edward's eyes widened when Alphonse pushed passed him, he'd heard what the younger blonde had said and he didn't like it,

"Alphonse." he turned quickly and followed Alphonse into the hall, catching up to him just passed the kitchen he grabbed his upper arm to turn him around harshly, "There is no stopping-…"

"Yes there is!" Alphonse yelled and wrenched his arm from Edward's grasp, "That's what you were trying to achieve tonight isn't it, normalcy, to see if we could be normal again. If you could force yourself to be with me then I can force myself to be with someone else so that you can be happy!"

"Al-…" Edward didn't know how to stop his tears.

"You're  **always**  sacrificing for me! Always hurting yourself to make me happy and I was so sick I just kept taking advantage of you." His eyes were watery, cheeks wet and his breaths short and stressed, "But you helped me get better and now I know what I've been doing to you and I can't do it anymore, all it does is make you unhappy Edward. I asked you not lie to me, I asked you…" he pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes and his voice broke down into louder sobs.

Edward swallowed thickly, he didn't know how else to say that he didn't regret it, he didn't know how to tell Alphonse he was starting to feel things for him…

"Alphonse…I'm s-scared because…" he raised his hands to touch Alphonse's forearms and remove his hands from his face but the younger pulled away again and Edward's heart constricted painfully at the distress etched into his younger brother's features.

Just the day before they'd both been so happy…then he'd had that dream and had let it affect him.

Stupid stupid stupid…he'd fucked up everything.

"Edward just leave me alone for a while okay, I was just waiting up to make sure you got home okay…" his voice was quiet and shaken, "…I'm going to bed."

Edward shook his head, not willing to let his colossal fuck up last longer than it had already, that time when he reached out and grabbed Alphonse it was bodily, wrapping his arms around Alphonse's shoulders firmly.

The younger blonde groaned and struggled weakly, Edward felt weak too but he held onto his lightly struggling sibling and pulled Alphonse with him as he pressed his back to the wall in the dark hall so the younger blonde was leaned back against him…groaning tiredly around his sobs and hardly trying at all to get free, all the while Edward laid his head on Alphonse's shoulder.

He wouldn't let go…ever.

He'd always loved Alphonse as a brother and even though it scared him he could love his brother as more, a part of him wanted to and it was time he faced it and stopped running.

He loved Alphonse.

"I love you so fucking much, Alphonse." he squeezed his arms tighter, Alphonse stopped his weak struggles and Edward slowly raised his head and pressed a kiss just below Al's ear, above the high collar of his turtleneck.

"Ed-ward." Alphonse sobbed his name brokenly, "You're confusing me and…it fucking hu-rts…" he leaned his weight back against Edward and his body trembled with quiet sobs.

Edward felt guilty for hurting Alphonse but at that point he knew he would never do it again. Whatever guilt he felt about enjoying Alphonse sexually was not worth hearing his name falling in broken, hurt syllables from Alphonse's lips.

He loosened his arms from around Alphonse but only so that he could hold his upper arms and make the younger blonde turn around, which he did rather easily so they were looking at each other closely. Al leaned against him, his arms rising to slip around Edward's neck and their foreheads pressed together as they sniffed and breathed heavily.

Edward looked into Alphonse's face at the close proximity and raised his hand to brush his thumb over his ear and hold the back of his neck as he pulled him forward to close the space between their mouths, their sealed dry lips pressed together and Edward felt the younger blonde pucker his lips as he pressed into the light kiss, when Edward drew back their lips stuck together slightly and they both licked their lips before kissing again.

It was still closed mouth but moister, Edward felt Alphonse's bottom lip pressed between his own lips at a slight angle and he sucked on it lightly, Alphonse's lips parted and his tongue traced Edward's top lip wetly as he pressed his body flush against Edward's.

Their open mouths pliantly pressed together when Edward slicked his tongue along Alphonse's until it was inside the younger blonde's mouth and he tasted an odd mix of sweet alcohols, he started to desperately suck on his tongue, making Alphonse moan softly.

Alphonse drew back and his arms slid back so his hands rested on Ed's shoulders where he clenched handfuls of Edward's shirt and licked his lips,

"Can't you just tell me what you're thinking, I'm tired of guessing." He mumbled with a frown.

Edward knew it was time to come clean, time to tell Alphonse the  **whole**  truth,

"I was scared…" he started quietly as he ran his hands through Alphonse's hair, cool, slightly thicker with hair product but no less soft, "…because when we had sex, Alphonse, I…was scared to tell you that I…" he swallowed thickly, voice shaking and Alphonse's hands clutching tighter to his shirt, "...I enjoyed it Alphonse, I wanted to touch you and it felt so wrong but I felt it and it made me feel disgusting because I felt like I was taking advantage of you and…and…" he shut his eyes tightly against the tears threatening to fall.

Alphonse was smiling, he'd seen it before he closed his eyes, smiling sweetly with tears in his eyes,

"You wanting me isn't taking advantage of me, it's…it's perfect…" he felt Alphonse's warm breath against his lips as he spoke, "…it makes me so happy to hear you say that. Please don't be scared of feeling more for me than as a brother. Now that you feel something, please don't push me away because you're scared, I love you, I want you to have me just as much as I want to have you…okay…Ed…please?" his voice was soft, happy and hopeful.

Edward opened his eyes, nodding just before they kissed again when Alphonse leaned in, a little rougher, quicker and needier. Edward needed it…Alphonse had fallen in love with him…but he didn't need to fall in love to know his feelings and love for Alphonse were unconditional.

It had always been that way.

This was new…this sort of love but it was still for Alphonse which meant it was all encompassing.

Alphonse's arms slowly encircled his neck again and Edward's arms encircled his waist as they kissed deeply in the quiet hall, both tired after a long night and their emotionally taxing situation, the kiss was lazy and comforting…but still satisfying.

At the first notable and intense trails of arousal running to his groin Edward pulled back from the kiss slowly, eyes half lidded and his breath low and steady mingling with Alphonse's,

"Let's go to the lounge, Al. I need to sit down…" he mumbled.

Alphonse nodded and stepped back before Edward pushed off the wall and they started to walk toward the lounge,

"Does your leg hurt?" Al asked quietly as they entered the warm lounge.

It wasn't that, it was something else, something that scared him as much as relieved him.

His uncertainty and panic could be laid to rest now that he knew…

They reached the coffee table and Edward turned around and took Alphonse's hand in his own, pulling him forward to pass him so he was closer to the couch. Alphonse squeezed his hand and stood with the backs of his legs pressed to the middle seat of the couch before he sat down there, expecting Edward to sit in his usual spot next to him.

But Edward only stood and stared down at Alphonse for a moment as he considered what he was about to do, Alphonse looked tired but much less stressed than he had when Edward had first come home…

He looked really tired…but happy.

' _I need you Alphonse…'_  he knew it was true, even as his insides quivered with fear at the future ahead of him, full of lies and secrets…and sex.

Sex with his own brother…

Edward knew his body and he knew the difference between arousal that went nowhere, unnatural arousal brought on by a drug and when he felt aroused and his cock reacted because he  _wanted_  someone.

He'd felt that last one when he'd kissed Alphonse in the hall…whatever had been stopping him before was no longer a problem.

Edward shifted forward, not hesitating anymore, he raised his knee up and settled it on the couch between Alphonse's legs as he leaned over him,

"Lay down…" he said quietly.

Alphonse did as told with sleepy curious eyes, shifting to the side and laying back flat on the couch, his head below the arm rest, he brought one of his legs completely onto the couch while the other remained off the seat. Edward hovered over him for a moment, hands pressed into the sofa, one at Alphonse's side and one on the arm rest as he settled himself on one knee between his younger brother's jean clad legs.

Alphonse was already blushing faintly and looking eager to know where things would go between them, Edward didn't wait long to lean down and kiss him and the kiss was returned with enthusiasm, Alphonse's hands coming up to hold his face and then one of them slid down over his shoulder, his chest and to his side where Alphonse tugged lightly at his shirt gesturing for him to lay flat atop him.

Edward didn't oblige, not just yet.

Instead he leaned back so he was upright and pulled his shirt over his head, leaving his torso bare and Alphonse's breath quickening. He dropped the shirt over the back of the couch and lowered his hands to the hem of Alphonse's turtleneck, he pushed the hem up as he slid his hands underneath the material…his warm palms caressing the soft skin of Alphonse's bare abdomen as he pushed it up.

Alphonse's breathing was audible now and Edward felt more of the obvious arousal make its way to his groin…successfully restarting the hardening he'd felt in the hall.

Even more so when he'd pushed the turtleneck up over Alphonse's chest and revealed his pert fair brown nipples. The younger blonde raised his arms and helped Edward remove his turtleneck so he was bare chested as well…and Edward leaned over him again balancing on one hand as he trailed his other shaking hand up over Alphonse's bare stomach, higher to where he could play his thumb over one of the hard nipples.

Alphonse smiled up at him,

"I love it when you touch me like this…" he mumbled quietly, his hand coming up to touch Edward's were he fondled the tiny nub slowly. Edward smiled back, a little sad in a way he doubted would ever completely go away as he looked down at his sexy younger  _brother_ ,

"I enjoy touching you…Alphonse." he admitted honestly and finally shifted so he could press his lips to Alphonse's…laying down on top of him, pressing his body flush between Alphonse's parted legs.

Chest to chest, pelvis to pelvis…he heard Alphonse's breath hitch into his mouth…and Edward knew that Alphonse could feel…that he was hard.

And he would know the truth…that Edward wanted him.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINAL CHAPTER:
> 
> This is the final chapter of Built For Sin. I am aware that many of you were expecting more from the story and so I am letting all readers interested to know that I will be writing a sequel and the first chapter should be up within a week or so, if you'd like to read the sequel then check back for it soon.
> 
> If you intend to read the sequel then I suggest you read the Epilogue that I will post on this story.
> 
> For those who are not interested in the sequel, the story ends on this chapter for you. Thank you for reading.
> 
> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong Bush

 

__

  
_You gave me this_  
_Made me give_  
_You have soul machine_  
_Broken free_

  
_All your mental armor drags me down_  
_Nothing hurts like..._

_...Your mouth_

* * *

Alphonse was suspicious.

Originally, when Edward had first come home and told him about the invitation to the New Year's party, he'd been annoyed with Mustang for inviting them but also with the fact that Edward seemed like he genuinely wanted to go. That and he was distracted with trying to figure out  **why**  Edward wanted to go.

And then as the day went on and Edward was being unusually quiet, ate less at lunch time and over all seemed to be avoiding conversation…and contact, Alphonse had started to get suspicious and paranoid.

There was something about the combination of Edward  _wanting_  to go out and  _avoiding_  talking to or touching him in even the smallest way that felt a lot like…a setback.

Edward had said that he didn't regret them sleeping together, he'd said he was fine and he'd even convincingly acted as though he was, so much so that Alphonse had forced himself to take false comfort in it. Now though his initial doubts were resurfacing, Edward was acting differently, it was different to how he'd been in the beginning when they'd both been scared and confused and different to his impassive depressive behavior of more recent weeks.

He was distracted, that much became obvious to Alphonse when he had watched Edward get an outfit together and dress himself with a small frown on his face, also when they'd eaten lunch earlier and the older blonde had chewed on each bite of his lunch far longer than was necessary.

He also seemed stressed, maybe confused, Alphonse wondered if his ability to figure out Edward's facial expressions was slipping.

But he knew it was probably just because he looked at Edward differently now than he did years before, so he read into every look far more than was necessary, over thinking…stressing himself out in the process.

He sighed tiredly at his self-inflicted agony as he looked at his older brother, it bothered him how handsome Edward looked by the time he was done dressing and was pulling his sport jacket on, it bothered Al how good he smelled, how neatly he'd tied his hair back…

He wondered if Edward was hoping to impress someone and it made him feel chilly with something much like jealousy. He'd just finished dressing himself, having chosen clothes that were neutrally casual/formal since he'd seen what Edward had chosen to wear. It was another thing that raised his suspicions, Edward had seemed clueless about Red Velvet when they'd spoken earlier, yet instead of dressing casual for a night out, he took time to pick out specific clothes…like he knew the dress code.

Alphonse was tense, his feelings were somewhere between angry and insecure. He kept thinking of Winry, he kept wondering if there was a girl Edward knew from his military days that he was hoping to see and impress, maybe even a guy…that second thought encouraged him to dress well and make himself look really good.

A woman he couldn't compete with, females had lady bits that he could never hope to beat but if it was another guy he could at least look better than the potential rival. Although even that thought didn't soothe his insecurity, once he had dressed and had looked at himself in the full length mirror in Edward's bedroom, the one thing he was painfully reminded of by his reflection was his blonde hair and green/gold eyes and in turn –no matter how much he tried not to let it bother him- he was reminded that being Edward's brother was his biggest and most painful disadvantage.

It was painful because he loved Edward deeply, as both a brother and a man and yet the former was a hindrance, it was getting in the way of what could be complete happiness between them.

Presently they were standing at the main door, ready to leave after pulling their coats on. He glanced at Edward as the older man shrugged on his black coat and then pulled his ponytail out of the back of it once it was on. When he leaned down to straighten out the black jeans were he'd tied it into his boots Alphonse frowned lightly, wishing more than anything that he knew what Edward wanted, what he was doing.

He knew the older man had an objective behind wanting to go out.

When Edward stood up straight Alphonse didn't look away and the older blonde looked at him, brushing his fingers through his bangs to neaten them out as he smiled ever so slightly at the younger. Alphonse felt hurt by his smile, it was the sort of smile Edward used when he was uncomfortable.

Inside he panicked, his feelings rushing around in confusion of whether this change in behavior was about them sleeping together, if it was about Edward no longer wanting to be close to him because it made him uncomfortable.

He decided it would be worth a test and so he stepped closer to Edward easily with a small smile of his own and took up the lapels of Ed's coat in his gloved hands.

In the silence of the apartment he could hear Edward's breathing, calm and even and it made him feel less tense. He ran his hands beneath the lapels so they sat flat and neat against the coat and Ed's chest. Inhaling quietly he felt butterflies unfurl in his stomach at the pleasant smell of his older brother, rich, pleasant and well blended. His skin, his cologne, shampoo, the mint smell of the bath gel and the fresh toothpaste that was also mint cooled each steady breath from Edward against his face at their close proximity.

It was hard for Alphonse not to let his thoughts wonder to their recent sexual experience, however much like a distant dream it seemed, the feelings and heat in his body was instantaneous when he thought of Edward's naked body pressed to his own, his mouth on his skin…their connection.

He raised his eyes from Ed's chest as he curled his fingers under the coat lapels and lightly pushed the older man backward until his back was against the coat closet door. He didn't wait to press his lips to Edward's –wondering if the older man would push him off- but he didn't, Ed pressed into the kiss and when their lips parted and their mouths meshed, like Edward did so many times before, he kissed Alphonse deeply and deftly.

Edward tasted hot and cold, the heat of his mouth mixed with the cold of the toothpaste and it made Alphonse want more, so he started to control the kiss just slightly, usually he just played along with Edward's tongue. It was even better that Edward didn't try to regain control, he pliantly leaned his weight back against the door and let his head be pressed back as Alphonse dominated his mouth.

But Alphonse didn't think for a second he had the upper hand, he may have been sucking on his older brother's tongue and tasting the back of his mouth roughly, but Edward's casual lean, his slightly parted legs standing in a typical –subconsciously alpha male- power stance and how smoothly his hands slipped under Alphonse's coat and over his waist to his lower back, pulling him forward firmly so he was pressed closer, were the very things that made Edward the one in control.

And Alphonse loved it. He wondered if Edward knew that or if it just came naturally.

Alphonse's body was already hot, his skin was tingling pleasantly and his hands took on their own path, sliding over Edward's chest and onto his shoulders underneath the coat and jacket, he so badly wanted to push the clothing off and tell Edward he wanted to stay home and just spend the night like that.

Sex or no sex, he wanted Edward close, naked, holding him and touching him.

Almost as if Edward could hear his mental hopes the older blonde's hands left his waist and Alphonse drew back from the kiss when Ed's hand gently touched his elbows, gripping lightly and tugging just as lightly,

"We should go, we still have to call a cab." His voice was low and the way he licked his lips told Alphonse Ed might be persuaded to stay home and continue what he'd started…

…that was until Edward stood up off the door and gently pushed him back with one hand lightly on his waist.

So Alphonse said nothing else, he at least felt relieved that Edward hadn't pushed him off when he'd kissed him, if nothing else it eased his insecurity about whether the older blonde was uncomfortable with physical contact between them –all over again.

So it wasn't a setback, that much he felt was sure, it was something though and he wanted to find out just what was Edward's motivation for a sudden interest in a night out.

Somehow the excuse that they needed to appear 'normal' didn't quite satisfy him.

They left the apartment a minute later, walked down the hall and the stairs in silence and Alphonse walked away to stand at the entrance doors when Edward went to call a cab. He watched as light snow fell beyond the glass doors in the dark streets, he heard the quiet unclear conversation of the reception woman he couldn't stand to another employee somewhere behind him in the empty lobby. He watched a light crawl down the dark street seconds before a car passed by, he listened to the sound of wind outside scattering some of the fallen snow.

He tried to focus on anything but the fact that the night would probably go badly, he had a gut feeling. He hadn't always been able to have a gut feeling…when he'd been in the armor he'd relied solely on his hindsight to let him know when someone –usually Edward- was going to do something really stupid or impulsive.

But he just couldn't read Edward like he used to be able to, he knew it was either because they'd spent so much time apart or because his new relationship with Edward changed his outlook of the older man. He didn't think he was blind to Ed's usual traits, short temper, bad manners, poor social skills, impatience, insensitivity…etc, but as far as Edward's romantic relationship tells were concerned, he was amateur.

He frowned as another car drove by outside, frustrated and confused…he hated the feelings.

"Ten minutes." Edward said from somewhere very near and after a few audible steps he could once again inhale the pleasant smell of the older blonde as he stood near. Alphonse forced himself not to look at Edward, just to be stubborn, just to show the older man that he wasn't happy about this without actually saying so.

And for his display, in return he received silence from Edward for the next ten minutes, he wanted to grind his teeth and grumble loudly, tell Edward he  **did not** want to go to the stupid party and insult Mustang in a way he never usually would, he wanted to point out that it was 11 minutes they'd been waiting and throw a tantrum with every ounce of his unreason…

…but Edward had done so much for him and he wouldn't go against him.

He would go to this party and he would be civil with Mustang, socialize with people and he would smile for his brother, because Edward deserved that much and so much more from him.

"The cab is here…" he heard Edward say and he glanced at him right as he started to walk to the doors.

Alphonse walked after him to the doors, finding it both odd and interesting that Edward held the door open for him to go through first. It wasn't something his brother had ever done for him before. They descended the stairs together, the intense cold making him clench his fists in his pockets and frown as they walked to the cab pulled up alongside the snow laden curb.

Once again his older brother pulled the cab door open for him and waited, turning to look at him and Alphonse realized why it felt so odd just as he stepped forward to the car…he paused.

Less than a ruler length from Edward, face to face he looked over his brother's face for a tell he knew he wouldn't see because he couldn't read the older man's romantic side- -if he could call it that-, not on his best day. He wondered if Edward even realized…that he was treating Alphonse like a girl.

He remembered once before wishing to know if Edward was the gentlemanly type with lovers, like he'd displayed minimally when Winry had been visiting and while the memory hurt to think of, the revelation that he was receiving such treatment gave him the warm fuzzies.

Edward broke their eye contact and Alphonse watched him gesture for him to get in, he sighed inwardly and got into the cab, of course the romance of such a detail was lost when the person didn't even acknowledge they were doing it and behaved so stiffly.

Edward got into the cab and soon they were driving on one of the main streets toward the busy party district and it was only when Alphonse saw people in masses in the street did he realize he'd been standing so close to Edward in an open public space just a few minutes ago.

Even if the street had been empty at the time, he honestly hadn't even thought about it.

It worried him, genuinely, because it enlightened him to the fact…that he…didn't care enough to be careful.

' _What kind of a moron am I? I can't walk around acting so daft, Edward is involved in this and he'll be in as much trouble as me if anyone catches on. Why do I forget myself like that…?'_  he frowned and glared beyond the window of the car.

He hadn't spoken at all in the last hour and Edward didn't seem to be interested in forcing conversation between them either, it just made his bad feeling worse and he dreaded the night ahead.

A few minutes later the cab pulled up to the curb and he glanced around, turning his head to look passed Edward out of the opposite window but he was distracted by Edward's moody expression. He was taking Cenz out of his wallet to pay for the cab and he smiled at the cab driver asking how much…it was a tense smile.

Alphonse turned away and opened his own door, stepping out into the cold and again it hurt the skin of his face as a wind blew forcefully down the busy, bright street. He cussed under his breath as he shut the door before shoving his hands deep into his pockets and hunching his shoulders up, wondering just what the point of coming out in the freezing fucking cold was…especially for Edward and his automail.

It was yet another thing that made him suspicious, why would Edward agree to come out so late when his leg ached in mid-day cold badly enough, let alone late night cold? It didn't make sense, Edward never compromised his comfort for anyone…besides Alphonse.

…and so it dawned on him.

And he blinked numbly, his eyes slightly narrowed as he stared at a point on the sidewalk,

' _This has something to do with me?'_  it would make sense according to everything he knew about his brother.

He was frowning when Edward stepped up beside him but he still didn't look at him, he felt really angry all of a sudden, realizing that somehow  _once again_  Edward was making him the point of focus…and he  **knew**  it was probably –most likely- something stupid brought on by guilt.

' _But what would him bringing me out to a party with his ex-colleagues have to do with guilt and me?'_  he frowned deeper, he believed now he had some of the larger pieces of the latest Edward Elric puzzle, he just needed to try and put it together so it made some sense.

He finally raised his eyes and looked at Edward standing beside him, he was facing in the direction opposite where they stood and he was staring at something. Alphonse turned around and he looked up at the Red Velvet nightclub sign across the street, he felt annoyed all over again, like he had when Edward first asked if they could go out.

He dropped his gaze to the entrance and then trailed his eyes along the queue reaching almost to the end of the building, that feeling of wanting to throw a tantrum rose up in him again. He felt like pitching a fit over the damn queue they'd have to stand in in the freezing cold, he wanted to shout and demand they go home.

He didn't yell though, even if he was frustrated he never forgot his manners in public,

"There's a waiting line…are we going to have to stand in it, it's really cold out here Edward." He said in a clipped, cold tone and he knew Edward turned to look at him.

"Uh, no. Mustang said we'd be on his guest list, come on, Al." Ed sounded meek and a little sad. Alphonse felt slightly bad.

Edward stepped forward and started to cross the street and Al followed just behind him, glancing at Ed a few times as they walked, he knew it was unlike himself to be so angry, he never usually had urges to behave so childishly. The last time he'd thrown a tantrum he had been six or seven and it was  **always**  because Edward wouldn't do what he wanted and insisted they do what he wanted.

He saw the connection right then and was very glad he didn't blush because he felt very embarrassed all of a sudden. This strange personality relapse had started when he and Edward had sex and he'd realized he wanted Edward in more ways than he'd initially realized. He remembered it clearly because the need to call Edward 'Brother' had been increasingly hard to ignore since that night and right along with it came the childish urges.

He was glad he'd finally acknowledged and figured it out, now he could work it out and start channeling it more constructively. The urge to throw tantrums and yell was too much like Edward, he was always the balance between them, it wouldn't do any good if he and Edward were both volatile and unhinged.

He followed his older brother -ever confident and rude- as he walked straight up to the front of the line, Alphonse stood just behind him and offered apologetic glances and smiles to the groaning and complaining queue of people but his heart beat picked up quickly when he felt Edward's hand tap his forearm searchingly before he glanced back and he took Alphonse's wrist into a gentle but firm grasp.

Alphonse wouldn't usually have such a reaction to something so simple, but coupled with the fact that he and Edward were 'lovers' and also the fact that he'd been receiving 'girlfriend' courtesies so far, it made his stomach feel light. Then he heard Edward tell the guard that he was on the guest list and that Alphonse was his plus one and he felt as silly as he did amused.

Being Edward's plus one was much like being his date.

It was a ridiculous feeling and he didn't smile but he did give into the urge to move his hand to hold Edward's properly, fingers interlocking before he squeezed lightly…Edward didn't squeeze back and just tensed up slightly. Again Alphonse belatedly remembered they were in public…but he didn't want to let go of Edward's hand so he didn't. It was an innocent enough gesture.

He watched as the guard checked over the guest list and when he found Edward's name he ticked it off and pulled back the rope to let them through. Again Edward stepped aside and gestured for him to pass first and he did, Ed followed behind him and they ascended the stairs together.

He smiled at the doorman who pulled one of the large doors open and Alphonse honestly felt relieved at the warm air –not the noise- that rushed over them and enveloped him once they were inside the club foyer. He had been turning numb from the cold, he assumed Edward felt worse but he wasn't going to ask.

Some part of him was angry enough to inwardly grumble that this was Edward's own doing since he had wanted to come out, even though he felt bad for it, he didn't mention it.

They walked to the coat counter and handed in their coats and gloves, Alphonse shook his slowly warming hands once his gloves were handed in,

"Cold outside huh?" the young man behind the counter said conversationally.

Alphonse's nodded,

"Horribly." He smiled too and took the ticket handed to him, Edward had already stepped away from the counter…rudely.

"Thanks." Alphonse said nicely enough to cover for Edward's lack of manners and then turned to follow the older blonde toward the second archway leading into the noisy club.

He was straightening his sport jacket and hardly noticed Ed stop as he passed him until he felt cold fingers slip around his wrist, his skin tingled because he loved those hands.

He turned around to face his older brother, trying to keep several emotions off his face as Edward pulled him gently to the side of the coat counter conspiringly and asked if he was okay, referencing their morning conversation about his lower body pain.

He should have been annoyed that Ed was only asking now but he just wasn't, he nodded and told Edward he'd taken two painkillers before they left…and he had been taking them every six hours. He said the pain wasn't so bad but it wasn't a great feeling, it didn't hurt when he was standing but when he sat down it was pretty uncomfortable, still he didn't want to worry Edward so he lied.

Edward's voice got a little unsure,

"Try to have fun okay, it's good for us to get out…" he seemed concerned about something.

Alphonse didn't try to analyze Edward's expression, it would only lead to a headache,

"I will…and you should too." He failed to sound sincere, because he wasn't.

He wanted to go home, but he was determined not to just walk out on something Edward wanted to do, for whatever reasons he was doing it, Al would see it through.

"Are you…are you mad at me?" Edward asked in that voice that was so unlike him, quiet and submissive and Alphonse knew that right then his older brother was  _vulnerable_  and would give in to him if he said he wanted to leave.

He'd seen that look and heard that voice quite a few times in recent weeks and he knew how to manipulate Edward in order to get what he wanted. Alphonse felt incredibly sick right then, remembering the way he had played Edward's feelings in the beginning, just to get a touch…or that first kiss…

The picture of Edward crying so brokenly forced its way into his mind –after so long that he hadn't thought about it- and he felt like something was tugging painfully at his insides, he recognized it was his guilt that somehow never really went away but only waited for an opportunity to remind him how awful he was as a brother.

"No…I'm not." He breathed it quietly as emotional tension constricted his throat and he tried to smile but it was hard when he felt like such a piece of shit.

He truly wished he hadn't done any of that to Edward when he had been physically sick and emotionally corrupt…but on the other hand he knew if he hadn't then they wouldn't be where they were now and he would have never known Edward's touch, his kiss or his body.

That's where the guilt lived, in the pit of contradiction eating away at him inside.

Edward tried to compose himself, Alphonse sensed his stress but said nothing because he didn't have anything uplifting to say anyway. After a moment Edward gestured for him to follow and he did, quietly, toward the second archway and once they crossed the threshold Alphonse let himself get caught up in the large place and its rich smells.

He hadn't been in a club…ever.

He felt somewhat excited, the place was a hive of activity, smooth pleasant music, noisy chatter with a swirl of voices, smiles on hundreds of faces and bright reds and gold in the decor blending it all together nicely. He almost forgot about his bad mood as he tried to take in everything new, he stared down at the band on the club stage, watching them play their various instruments while the woman vocalist dressed in a sleek, pristine white, long dress lead them in song. She had an elaborate decorative hat piece on her head that he found amusing enough to raise an eyebrow at but her voice was lovely and almost husky, sexy and pleasant.

He looked over the layout of the club next, taking in the wallpaper, wall paintings, fancy lights, every door and alcove he could spot and he frowned slightly when he spotted two people quite literally all over one another at one of the very visible tables, right then he glanced at Edward to see if he'd noticed the shameless pair and saw that the older blonde was already looking at him…and looking unimpressed.

He personally thought the club was stunning, so he figured it was probably the capacity of people that annoyed his brother, Edward was a person who appreciated peaceful silence on a consecrated level, that's the reason he often used to fall into nightmare-less peaceful sleep in libraries.

Surrounded by books and silence, two things Edward loved.

This was most likely not his scene and it made sense to Alphonse, he could easily picture his brother sitting in a quiet restaurant or in the back of a small quiet bar more than he could a nightclub.

And so raised another point to his suspicious puzzle, why would Edward  _want_  to come to a nightclub when he loathed noise and crowds of people?

He knew it had to do with him…and Alphonse didn't need to think very hard to realize it was something to do with the people, the atmosphere…a social atmosphere. Edward wasn't sociable…but he was.

' _He…wants me to socialize?'_  he blinked out of his thoughts when Edward leaned in to him.

It was very noisy…but Edward leaned closer than he had to and Alphonse liked it, Edward whispering so close to his ear was very much a couple like thing to do…it was so close Alphonse almost felt his lips touch his ear as he said they should find Mustang.

Edward didn't pull back right away and Alphonse didn't dare either, when they finally leaned apart his ear and neck were tingling from the lingering tickles of Edward's breath.

He just wanted to go home and be alone with Edward.

He followed Edward forward so they were descending the steps, the older blonde was looking around but Alphonse was in no hurry to find Mustang, he would be happy if they didn't find him all night. So he continued to look around and absorb the new experience, he smiled at a few people –mostly girls- who smiled at him, waving daintily and some even winking at him.

He started to feel a little odd when guys were giving him frowns and mild glares because of the attention he was receiving, so he raised his eyes to the second level and looked at the high ceiling and chandeliers, noting how well designed the building was, there were subtle patterns laid into the globe like ceiling in beautiful shapes that made him smile.

He was just starting to admire the detailed stone balustrade of the second floor painted gold and encircled with red silk like drapes when he heard someone call 'Edward' in the all the noise. He ran his eyes around the upper floor in a quick sweep right as the name was said again louder and he spotted Jean Havoc looking down but the man wasn't looking at him…

' _He's never seen me, Havoc was still in the East when I was restored and in rehab.'_

He looked for Edward and realized the older blonde was a few feet from him, he'd been so caught up he hadn't noticed the small distance between them. He walked to Edward who only seemed to hear the third time Havoc shouted for him and he tapped his shoulder.

Edward looked at him and he raised his eyes for the older blonde to follow his gaze.

From then it was like clockwork, Havoc waved and pointed across the club, Edward followed his direction and Alphonse did as well…to predictably spot Mustang with his usual smug smile on his face waving them over.

He didn't bother to look back up at Havoc when Edward did, he just sighed and waited until Ed looked at him and when he finally did…the older blonde looked completely calm and he patted Alphonse's shoulder and then gestured for him to follow.

The younger blonde felt anger –so unusual for him- bubble inside him as he followed. But not toward Edward, toward the entire situation. This entire night was like one huge reminder that as far as society dictated, he and Edward were sick and could never ever live openly.

But he had never been naïve about what they were getting into…the problem was he just didn't care!

He cared less and less about it, he didn't want to get caught and go to prison, nothing so stupid…no, he just wanted to make the most of the time they could be alone.

He wanted to be alone with Edward whenever he could…

' _It's not healthy…I can't force Edward to be home with me all the time and I can't be either. Besides people noticing…'_ he pushed through the crowds as they made their way to Mustang, Edward seemed to know a few people, '… _neither of us can live like that, we'll get sick. Going out is good for us, Ed's right…I just need to get a grip and get my shit straight.'_  He decided with a sigh.

He looked up after sidestepping a few more people, Edward glanced back to make sure he was still right there and then he spotted Mustang…and everyone with him.

Alphonse swallowed and blinked a few times at all the unfamiliar faces he spotted among only a few he knew, he looked back to Edward when they reached Mustang and he watched them shake hands in a way that seemed completely foreign to him, comfortable and friendly.

He'd always assumed that Edward and Mustang had some 'agreement to get along' but now when he looked at it, it almost seemed as if they were friends. He didn't think on it too much, instead he gave Mustang a winning smile –for Edward- and lied that it was good to see him, because it wasn't.

He ignored whatever else Edward and Mustang said and glanced around until he felt Mustang drape his arm over his shoulder –he wondered when they'd become quite so familiar- he wanted to glance at his brother to see how he was reacting but he focused rather on everyone around the four tables pulled together since the large party was now looking at them.

Then the introductions began and he did his best to catch everyone's names, shake everyone's hands and smile as sportingly as possible…even as Edward passed over handshakes, frowned at some people and made vague 'yeah hi's' instead of actually greeting them. But that was nothing new and it was almost comforting how he still managed to fall into the polite brother of Edward Elric role without missing a beat, dropping apologies for his rude brother with a smile that was apologetic but good naturedly amused.

Heymans Breda gave him a rough 'manly' back pat and Kain Fury shook his hand enthusiastically. Breda exclaimed how good it was too see him again – to which Fury nodded- and joked about how skinny he'd been last time and how'd they'd all been so worried the wind could have blown him away –to which Fury shook his head. Alphonse was just glad Edward was preoccupied with the last few introductions and didn't hear that comment, he wouldn't have taken it as friendly teasing.

He was very sensitive about Alphonse's recovery period, even Winry had been yelled at a few times when she asked too many questions about his weak physical condition. It was yet another thing he knew Edward took blame for, considering the way his older brother never left his side even a day that he was in hospital and rehabilitation as if he had to make sure every step was to his approval and Alphonse's comfort.

Alphonse just laughed off Breda's joke, he wasn't familiar enough with any one of them or properly practiced in tactless humor to point out that Breda was getting fat even in a joking fashion…no, he and Edward were very different in that sense. His brother just said things and if you didn't like it he most certainly did not care, joke or not.

He spotted an open seat at the end of the booth so he moved toward it and he was finally able to greet Riza properly now that all the basic introductions were over, he smiled at her as she moved to get up -a man moved out of the opposite end of the booth to let her out- and when she was standing up she didn't hesitate to hug him.

He'd always liked her best, she was a strong, intelligent woman, the kind who inspired the best in the people she cared about.

"Hello Miss Hawkeye, it's really wonderful to see you again." He said sincerely as he hugged her lightly.

She looked lovely, he'd never seen her in a dress and the sleeveless, high neck, black dress she wore complimented her. It was slightly loose fitting around her bust area but from just beneath her breasts it was tight the rest of the way down and showed off the shape of her body, the dress length was still decent though, just above her knee and her shoulder length hair was open.

He never thought he would see Riza Hawkeye in anything but military clothes but he was impressed by the sight all the same.

"It's great to see you, Alphonse." they separated from the hug and she looked over him before she sat back down and he sat as well, "You look really well, none of us have seen you in years." She smiled.

"Yeah I know, I'm sorry, there's really no excuse." He said sheepishly, "Living in Risembool was just so laidback and slow paced that brother and I just ended up that way for a while too."

She smirked in a her subtle knowing way,  
"You don't have to make excuses for Edward, when he resigned he made it clear he wouldn't be back for a good long while." she casually glanced up when a hand lightly settled on her shoulder, it was the man who had let her out of the seat a moment ago.

Riza smiled her acknowledgment of him and then she pointed to Alphonse,

"This is Alphonse," she looked back to the younger blonde, "Alphonse, this is Brandon." She said simply and Alphonse assumed –as he expected he was supposed to- that it was her boyfriend. The fact that the man –not so subtly- placed his hand on the back of her bare neck and extended his other hand to shake also helped Alphonse draw that conclusion.

"Hi, nice to meet you." Alphonse said in his ever polite tone and the man said likewise.

He asked one conversational question about how he and Riza knew one another and she seemed to know just what to say,

"He's the brother of the former Fullmetal Alchemist."

"Really?" he smiled and Alphonse wondered what the look as about, "Is he here?"

Since he and Edward had been introduced without last names he supposed he could excuse the man for being slightly slow. Still he didn't have to answer, Riza pointed to Edward who was talking with Breda and Mustang a few meters away,

"Edward, the blonde." She smiled.

The man nodded, smiled shortly and then pushed through the close knit crowd to get to the older blonde. Al looked back to Riza questioningly, she smiled,

"He claims he's always wanted an autograph for his younger brother but I think deep down he's a fan." She raised a glass to her lips and sipped her drink with an amused smile.

Alphonse smiled too and was about to respond when he heard his name called, he looked to his brother since his voice was unmistakable and he saw Edward –still standing with Mustang, Breda, Riza's boyfriend and also a young blonde girl in a uniform- looking at him,

"You want a drink?" Edward said over the noise.

Alphonse realized the girl was a waitress and he nodded,

"Yes, whatever you're having." He said back loudly, a little surprised Edward was offering him alcohol but also grateful he wouldn't have to remind his older brother he was legally old enough to drink in front of everyone.

Edward could be so over protective sometimes and while it warmed his heart it was also a little embarrassing in certain circumstances. He let his eyes linger on his brother who nodded to him before he turned back to the waitress, raising his index and middle finger on one hand and saying something with a nod and a neutral smile.

She nodded back and Alphonse watched Edward turn his attention back to the guys standing with him, he was about to turn his own attention back to Riza but then he saw the blonde waitress's eyes take in an appreciative sweep of Edward's body, head to toe and then with a small mostly concealed smile she rushed off into the crowd.

Alphonse's mood dropped several degrees.

"Alphonse, are you okay?" Riza's voice made him look away from the spot where the waitress had been.

He looked at her and quickly replaced his frown with a bright smile,

"Oh yeah, I uh…just thought I saw someone I recognized." He lied smoothly.

She nodded,

"So, how has it been for you and Edward living in Central?" she enquired casually.

Alphonse answered vaguely,

"It's been fine, we're both used to adapting to new living spaces." He sat back against the booth seat and fidgeted with an empty glass on the cluttered table.

He had always liked Riza but he trusted her about as much as Mustang when it came to motives for asking questions, she was his right hand and anything he told her would most likely be relayed to the older man.

She sipped her drink again, leaving behind more of her glossy apricot colored lipstick on the glass rim,

"I was actually surprised when I found out you were both moving here permanently, I could understand Edward leaving Risembool, but you always said how much you wanted to return home for good once you and he completed your mission." She said it so casually she could have been talking about everyday military work and not their dangerous life quest.

"Ah, well I guess I just…" he blinked, wondering if he should bother to make up some fancy excuse, he didn't see the point so he said something simple, "…I just changed my mind. After living there a while I just didn't want to anymore, after being to Xing it just seemed too small." He offered some elaboration about Xing and it sounded plausible.

She smiled and nodded lightly which told him she at least understood,

"You and Edward never really seemed cut out to be quiet country boys."

Alphonse's smile went from being slightly forced to thoughtfully sincere,

"We probably would have been and not known any better if we'd never made the mistakes we did." He admitted, remembering fondly how he and Edward used to pass their days going to school, playing in the fields, tinkering with alchemy or doing chores in the years before their mother had passed away.

It was years in the past now…but the memories seemed to have a better focus than they used to.

He remembered much clearer how Edward used to ruffle his hair to annoy him, or behave like the class clown to aggravate the teacher when they were bored and then grin at him happily when he couldn't help laughing at his antics. He smiled especially when he remembered how half the time Edward would give himself away during hide and seek just because he couldn't resist jumping out of his hiding place to scare the crap out of Winry…and sometimes himself.

Edward used to smile a lot more before their mother had died and he missed it.

Their childhood had been very short lived and they'd grown up so fast, Edward much faster than himself.

He turned to look over at Edward again –the older blonde looked relaxed as he conversed – right when Riza spoke,

"Is Edward with Winry?"

The question seemed a little forward to him and he frowned, he looked at her to see she was also looking at Edward,

"No, he's not." He said a little more firmly than he needed to, "Why do you ask?" he managed to lighten his tone, remembering not to act like a jealous idiot.

She looked back to him, light brown eyes friendly but serious,

"I just assumed they would be, Winry was always rather obvious about the way she felt."

He felt his irritation rise, the topic annoyed him automatically because he did not like how everyone just assumed his brother would be with Winry, probably because the assumptions were so damn close to what would have happened had he not started to have feelings for Edward and told him about it.

He decided to change the subject and smiled,  
"Well, brother and I always assumed you and General Mustang would end up together."

Riza's eyes narrowed just the slightest before she smiled,

"I see your point." She said quietly and he wondered if he'd said something that touched a nerve.

There was a moment of silence that he did not know how to fill, she seemed guarded after his last statement and honestly he felt a little irritated with her too, which was just more proof that he was being unreasonable and childish.

' _I just want to go home.'_  He turned to look back to Edward but his view was obscured by the waitress standing in front of him at the table.

Alphonse looked up at her and she smiled but barely spared him a glance,

"Here you go." She placed a glass down in front of him and then turned around, walking away with another identical drink on her tray.

Alphonse watched her as she walked up to Edward and tapped him lightly so he acknowledged her, she smiled brightly and held the tray up for him. Al could easily tell she wanted to be noticed, even if Edward didn't seem interested as he took the glass and thanked her before turning back to his conversation.

Alphonse didn't watch her walk away, he was getting angry and it was useless to do so, aside from the fact that he  **could not**  behave jealously in front of anyone he also knew Edward would probably get angry if he even said anything to him about it.

He looked down at his drink, it was a clear drink but the liquid seemed misty and there was a lime wedge in it with some ice cubes, he frowned at it wondering what it was. He picked the glass up and sniffed it, the liquid smelled like alcohol in general, he wasn't exactly an expert at identifying kinds of alcohol anyway so he sipped it.

He made a face as the tang and bitterness burned his tongue before putting the glass down and frowning at it. He remembered Edward saying he used to have wine with his dinner in Creta but when he looked over at the older blonde and saw him drinking the clear liquid without even flinching he knew he'd been spared the details.

Edward was obviously more acquainted with alcohol than he let on.

Considering how bad his mood was already, knowing his older brother was keeping things about his personal life and time in Creta from him only made it worse, he took a bigger sip of the drink just because he could.

He didn't actually like the way it tasted though and it went down with an unpleasant burn, he glanced at Riza and found her smiling with amusement at him, he felt embarrassed and blushed, she'd seen him make his faces and he felt stupid.

"Maybe you should order your own drinks, Edward's taste doesn't seem to be to your liking." She joked and Alphonse found her social side both annoyed and fascinated him.

He was about to say something but was interrupted  _again_  when a heavy hand landed on his shoulder,  
"Alphonse!" Jean Havoc was staring down at him with a broad grin, "Hell, this is the first time I'm meeting you in the flesh!" he extended his free hand while his other gripped Al's shoulder firmly.

Alphonse smiled up at the man, Havoc had never been anything but nice to him, much like Riza…and Mustang, yet he didn't really want to be around any of them right then, still he raised his hand and shook Havoc's,

"Yes, it is, isn't it?" he said brightly.

Havoc shook his hand firmly and stepped back, pulling Alphonse to stand up and then letting go of his hand and shoulder to place his hands on his hips casually,

"Lemme look at you…" and he did, a quick once over with a grin, "Well damn, you and Ed do look alike, it's great, it's really great." He said sincerely.

Riza was smiling brightly too,

"It is great." She tucked some of her hair behind her ear as she watched them.

"Yeah and he isn't tall anymore either." Havoc –who was a full head taller than Alphonse- patted his shoulder again.

Alphonse blinked when he realized for the first time ever he had been called short.

Not that he was, since his restoration he and Edward had both evened out in height and were just about Mustang's height…and Mustang was average height but still shorter than Havoc.

For once Alphonse agreed with Edward about the fact that some people were just freakishly tall.

He didn't go ape shit like Edward did though, he just laughed lightly and stepped around the topic,

"It is great to be normal again." He nodded.

Havoc said a few more kind words with a kind smile, talking about how in the end it was all worth it and Alphonse agreed and said sincerely that he was happy to see that Havoc had recovered so well but neither of them mentioned details of how or why or what and Riza had started to talk to the woman sitting beside her.

His tension had eased at their friendly smiles, he reminded himself that they were not enemies…they used to be friends and allies, even Roy Mustang.

When Havoc was done with the niceties he finally walked away and went straight over to where Edward stood with Mustang and Breda and the volume of their conversation rose just a bit, Edward slapped Havoc's hand away when he tried to ruffle his bangs and there were some threats grumbled.

He smiled fondly at his brother's glare directed at Havoc who was grinning with his hands raised in surrender, Mustang was smiling and Breda looked amused…and Edward's drink was almost finished.

Alphonse frowned but before he could let himself worry about his earlier puzzle about Edward's motives for them being there, he was again interrupted…except this time it was by a pretty girl he didn't know.

She had long curly blonde hair, a pretty face and wore a lilac dress that was tight around her bust and stomach but loose and flowing over her waist and legs until just above her knees, she smiled sweetly,

"Hi, I'm Stacy and I was just wondering…" she blushed slightly and he blinked, "…if you'd like to dance."

Alphonse raised his eyebrows in surprise, he'd only been out dancing once before with Winry and he'd only danced with her that night…but the idea of dancing was actually pretty exciting, even if the girl was a stranger.

He'd enjoyed it with Winry, why wouldn't he enjoy it now?

He smiled and stood up so he had to look down at her slightly, she looked hopeful,

"I'm Alphonse and yes, I'd like to dance with you Miss Stacy." He said pleasantly, genuinely looking forward to it as he held his hand out for her and bowed just slightly.

She beamed with wide eyes at his hand and placed her hand into his quickly before they started to walk through the crowd to the busy dance floor.

Alphonse thought her reaction to his demeanor was strange for only a moment before he remembered how Winry had teased him when they'd gone out dancing. He'd been so comfortable with Winry when they'd danced through the night but before their first dance he'd done the same thing, offered his hand and bowed and Winry had blinked at him and then snickered while teasing him about how formal he was.

She'd proceeded to drag him to the dance floor by his hand and had started dancing without all of the fancifulness saying it was a party and that he needed to relax. He'd been a little thrown off at first since it felt more natural to treat a lady like a lady but she'd smiled and eased his discomfort by telling him it wasn't a bad thing and that any girl he ever danced with would be really flattered that he was such a gentleman.

Yet she hadn't been.

As he danced presently with the pretty blonde girl to the upbeat jazz music, he found himself thinking about that night with Winry in a whole new way. Winry had held him easily around his neck when they danced to slow songs, jumped around comfortably to the faster songs not embarrassed about acting silly, she'd stood close, talked close, laughed freely…she'd been perfectly comfortable with him and yet  **not once**  had he seen even a hint of attraction in her eyes, not even on a minimalistic scale, not like with the girl he danced with now.

Stacy was smiling at him in a different way, a non-platonic way, different than Winry and yet he'd never noticed before…Winry's smile toward him had always been different to him than the way she smiled at Edward.

Even when he'd had a fresh crush on Winry in that first year back in his body…he hadn't noticed.

He thought now of how she smiled whenever she'd talked to Edward at dinner time or when they would sit around in the living room in the Rockbell House, her eyes would light up around him, her posturing would become softer and playful, her voice and words would also be a little playful and her hands would often touch and linger every light gesture she made.

' _How did I never notice the way she felt about him? Why was I so surprised by that damned_ _ **letter**_ _she sent to me in Xing.'_  He held the girl's hand up above them as she twirled and swayed to the music and he did too, though less than she did.

Winry had said he was a naturally good dancer.

He knew that before when he'd been in the armor he hadn't noticed it all, but Riza had known about it so Winry must have been at least slightly obvious about how she felt. He could only assume he hadn't noticed because he hadn't felt about Edward then the way he did now, so he never took notice of it.

Now though, all the times he remembered Winry asking Edward to help her with unpacking her automail parts, or with laundry, chores, dinner…all the times she'd weaseled time alone with him and he'd hear them talking, sometimes laughing and often arguing, he saw it clearly.

And he also saw Edward's feelings clearly.

The song had come to an end and he smiled at Stacy as she thanked him, he returned her thanks and like most random dance partners, they walked away from each other to leave the floor separately.

His insides were a little shaken now that he acknowledged just how often Edward would try to hide a smile when Winry would ask for his help or start a playful argument with him, he'd grumble but Alphonse always saw his underlying willingness and enjoyment.

He'd never bothered to analyze it before but as he walked back toward Mustang's party he mulled it over. When he'd still been in the armor he'd always teased Edward about his blushes or grumpiness about Winry good naturedly but once he'd been back in his body he hadn't teased Edward anymore…he'd always subconsciously tried to ignore their banter and blushes around each other…he'd never given his change of attitude much notice until now.

' _I felt this way about Edward for longer than I even realized…since I hadn't had a physical body I had never been able to_ _ **feel**_ _anything physical to go along with my mental awareness.'_  he sighed and stopped near one of the bars before he walked toward it, ' _I should have noticed sooner that I craved his attention and affection once I was flesh again…but I just assumed it was how I should feel about my older brother.'_  He frowned as he leaned on the busy bar in a tight space between two people.

He hadn't been able to feel anything for so long…he'd forgotten how brotherly love felt and had been completely blind to the feelings he'd developed for Edward over the years.

' _I wonder if I'd still feel this way if we'd grown up together normally?'_  He sighed and looked up when the bar tender snapped his fingers in front of him,

"What'll you have?" he asked loudly and hurriedly.

"Anything that's not bitter but contains alcohol." He smiled sheepishly.

The bar tender frowned then shrugged and started making him a drink.

He didn't want to get drunk but he felt really tense and having a drink had always been nice enough when he'd been in Xing, he was just wondering if maybe they would have any Xingese drinks available now that Amestris and Xing were on good terms when the bartender placed a drink in front of him.

It was a large glass with light red/pinkish alcohol in it, a lime wedge and ice cubes, it sort of looked like diluted juice, he raised his eyebrows at it and he reached into his pocket for his wallet, Edward had given him cash for drinks before they'd left the apartment.

He took out the amount the bartender had said and waited as the man made a drink for someone else, when he was done Al handed him the money and took his drink, pushing his way from the bar until he was free of the crowd.

He frowned at the drink, remembering how guilty he'd felt when Edward had given him money. He knew full well his older brother thought nothing bad about funding him for the rest of his life but that didn't mean he was okay with it. He sipped the drink –which was a nice sort of sweet and went down smoothly- and told himself that once he was settled in at University he'd look for part time work so he could contribute at least minimally.

Alphonse had only once considered joining the military and he never would again, he knew from the last time he'd brought it up about three years ago that Edward's tolerance for the subject was nonexistent, the older blonde had fumed, sworn and argued a definite 'no' and then he'd realized that he couldn't actually stop Alphonse if he really intended to and he'd been quiet, moody and withdrawn for the week that followed.

Alphonse hadn't even argued with him, he'd just suggested it and listened with a frown as Edward ranted about all the ways he would not let it happen. In actual fact if he'd simply said 'no, I don't want you to' then Alphonse would never have asked again.

Sometimes their relationship –brotherly and otherwise- was far more complicated than it had to be.

' _Edward just doesn't know how much I love him.'_  he sighed after another sip and realized he'd been sipping continuously and the drink was half way finished.

He shrugged to himself and finished the drink off, as he lowered the glass from his lips he was faced with another smiling girl with dark blonde hair, a cute face and a short dress.

He smiled at her knowingly.

* * *

Alphonse danced a lot and in between every few dances he ordered the same drink from the same bartender. After dancing with many different girls he rounded back to the one he'd spent more than one dance with. She was a really nice girl, she had a sense of humor and while they'd danced she'd talked and joked, it had been distracting and pleasant for him, taking his mind off of his constant worry, so he'd offered her a drink and was sitting at a high bar table with her presently.

He probably shouldn't have offered to buy her a drink because he noticed her blush and he realized it sounded a lot like he was laying the ground for some flirting and conversation, but it was too late and too impolite to retract his offer.

He'd been back to Mustang's table twice since his first dance but that had been over an hour ago and since then not again, both times Edward had been sitting in the booth, once alone and once talking to some guy and both times he'd had a drink in his hand and had smiled at Alphonse neutrally.

"So Alphonse, tell me about yourself?" she asked after sipping her fancy cocktail.

Alphonse looked up from his drink straight into her dark blue eyes, her name was Henrietta, she was easily the prettiest of all the girls he'd danced with and with the nicest personality but he wasn't surprised to find he had no interest in her.

She was also the only girl he'd slow danced with, it had been their most recent dance of the evening so she had been fairly comfortable with him by then and had pressed close. He'd been aware of all her physical assets and her perfumed skin, her shiny dark brown long hair…but he hadn't found it distracting or particularly pleasant.

He'd taken the experience as a test of sorts, he knew he no longer felt anything when he thought about his one night with Mei but he had wondered if he'd feel anything for girls in general since discovering his feelings for Edward. The fact that he had no interest in the pretty young woman sitting with him told him it wasn't just Mei he felt nothing for…but perhaps females over all.

He smiled at her right when a question popped into his head, ' _Does this mean I'm gay?'_

"Oh, alright, what would you like to know?" he would rather she ask so he could choose his answers wisely, it was times like that he wished he had Ed's rude streak, he wasn't interested in fraternizing in a flirtatious way, he had just enjoyed her company and wanted to show his gratitude.

He realized now his choices to dance with her so many times and then offer her a drink was a bad combination.

She asked him boring questions like what his interests were, what he did for a living and those sorts of things and he answered her vaguely saying he liked to read and travel and that he was a student but all the while he was feeling nauseous and stressed out by his mounting problems.

He still didn't know why Edward had wanted to come out but he knew the older blonde was drinking steadily and it made him paranoid about how Ed was feeling, also he'd seen that blonde waitress quite a few times around and every time he did he remembered the way she'd looked at Edward and it made him angry. He had dredged up all of his old memories of Risembool earlier and hadn't been able to stop thinking about how Winry felt about Edward and the painful fact that his older brother had probably felt likewise about her, which only made him feel more guilty and sick about ever having forced himself on Edward. And on top of all that he was now starting to wonder if he was gay while there was an innocent girl he was misleading.

He humored her for a good few minutes until she asked about whether he had a girlfriend and then he knew he should give her the brush off…but he had no idea how to do that without offending her.

Alphonse was no good with that sort of thing and in the end he just answered that he didn't have a girlfriend and after a few more minutes of her smiling and flirting, she said she had to get back to her friends. He had felt relief for only a moment before she took his hand and said with a very sexy smile that he should look for her at midnight if he wanted a New Year's kiss.

She left the table smiling and he smiled at her until she disappeared at which time he quickly left that area of the club and made his way back to Mustang's table.

He was feeling hot and irritable, his stomach was still nauseas and the alcohol was making him feel light headed, he decided that he needed to slow down for a while. He reached the tables and felt his stomach lurch when he didn't see Edward sitting in the spot he had been in every other time.

He tried not to think that his brother was off somewhere with that blonde waitress since he'd left him alone, it was an unreasonable thought but after what had happened with Winry he really couldn't help it. After all this time and even though he knew they hadn't slept together, he knew they'd been doing  **something**  and it always hurt to wonder just what it was, he wondered how Edward had been touching Winry and vice versa and it made his insides hurt and his blood boil.

It felt like he'd been cheated on.

He sat down heavily at the end of one of the empty booths and ran his hands through his hair with a sigh, he felt tired after all the dancing and talking. He'd done a lot of socializing, just like Edward had wanted, he'd only done it for him, he was only there because Edward wanted him to be.

Why…he still didn't know.

He licked his lips a few times, they were dry and his mouth tasted strongly sweet, after ordering the drink more than three times he'd been told it was tequila mixed with a blackcurrant liqueur and ginger ale. It probably wasn't as strong as whatever Edward was drinking but it wasn't light either, it certainly did make him feel woozy. He was just grimacing while staring at the crowded area around the booths when Edward walked up to the table and smiled at him before sitting down across from him.

He was tempted to ask where the older man had been but Edward's smile looked slightly relieved,

"Was just getting worried…haven't seen you much since we got here." Edward said while neatening his bangs. Alphonse watched him rake his thin fingers through his pale blonde hair and heat rose mildly within him as he thought first of running his own hands through Edward's hair and then of the memory of those gentle fingers touching him so intimately.

His mood was still off and the thoughts made him want to go home even more, he wanted so badly to be in bed with Edward, he wanted so badly to be kissed right then.

He licked his lips again, swallowing the sweetness in his mouth as he leaned forward on the table,

"I've just been trying to enjoy myself, isn't that what you wanted?" he asked as plainly as he could, his voice flat. Edward just stared at him lazily and he raised a fine blonde eyebrow, not knowing how attractive he looked when he did that,

"Are you enjoying yourself?" he asked almost sarcastically and it irritated Alphonse.

Edward obviously knew he didn't want to be at the club, he looked away from his older brother's indifferent expression,

"It's fun to dance, I only went dancing with Winry once years ago but I enjoyed it then…" he didn't want to argue like a child so he didn't say 'no' even though a few dances hardly compensated for every reason he  **did not**  want to spend his night in that place.

"I'm glad you're enjoying yourself…" he noted the lighter tone of Edward's voice and he looked back to him, the older blonde had an awkward half smile on his face and his next words quite easily pissed Alphonse off.

Edward asked about Henrietta, apparently someone had told him they'd danced quite a few times and his voice was just slightly suggestive on the subject.

Alphonse could almost not contain himself, he clenched his teeth and he narrowed his eyes, it was like he was being insulted especially since Edward's possible motives for bringing them out had just been severely narrowed down,

"Is that why we're here Edward, so that we can meet people, you're hoping I'll see a girl and just fall in love like some hormonal teenager?" he knew he was snappish but he was  **so**  mad at Edward for trying something so underhanded, "…and you, you're hoping to meet someone too huh, I saw that blonde waitress, she keeps coming over here." He said it as it occurred to him and he clenched his fists on the table.

He didn't raise his voice, he knew he shouldn't draw attention to them, but he made sure he conveyed his anger in his tone. It hurt to think that Edward would bring him here hoping he was fickle and gullible, it was  **insulting**  that his feelings were still being underestimated and it was  **infuriating**  to think that Edward was expecting it to work!

Edward looked worriedly around them, nervous about arguing in public obviously, he leaned forward,

"N-no Alphonse, it's not like that, look we can't talk about  **this**  here." He said stiffly, despite his nervous look his voice was steady.

Alphonse stared into his fair face as he breathed heavily, Edward looked tired and a little stressed out and it just reminded him that he wanted to go home, if they could leave right then he wouldn't even fight about anything,

"Then let's go home Edward, I reek of perfume and I'm tired." He frowned, trailing his eyes over Edward's lightly frowning face in the way he had in front of Winry, for the moment forgetting himself.

Edward's frown lessened and he leaned back just slightly, his eyebrows rising slightly as he openly considered leaving. Alphonse kept his gaze steady as Edward looked over his face and he sighed, dropping his eyes, about to say something…Alphonse had been able to see his decision.

A moment sooner and Edward would have said 'yes' and they'd be leaving but as it were, a crowd of people had showed up with Mustang and champagne and they were forced to move in to the back of the booth as everyone sat down and cramped together for the impending New Year's tradition.

He would have been angrier but at the very least for the first time since they'd arrived at the club he was close to Edward again, so close his arm was over Edward's and his elbow was almost in his lap. He couldn't smell his brother's cologne over the mixture of smells around him but he could feel the hard line of his thigh against his own and Edward's arm against his side.

He thought about the offer of a New Year's kiss and wished for nothing more than to be able to kiss Edward at midnight, even though he knew there was no chance in hell of that happening.

Everyone was talking at once but he didn't try to focus on what was being said, he just nodded and smiled into the noise around them as more people arrived and it got more crowded. He was hyper aware of Edward right then and he glanced at his older brother's side profile -Edward was trying to listen to someone as well- he looked away again down to the table and its long cloth.

He decided there was no danger in it and so he opened his lightly curled fingers under the table, his arm was already aligned with Edward's leg, and he placed his open hand on Edward's thigh lightly and felt the older blonde start next to him at the contact.

He almost smiled at the older man's reaction, for some reason he found it cute that Edward would react that way to his hand on his thigh, he knew it was the shock of his boldness but he didn't remove his hand, the muscle under his hand was firm and it just reminded him how badly he wanted Edward.

Alphonse kept his focus on the people including him in their conversation but he knew Edward had turned to look at him and he slid his hand just slightly inward and felt Edward's thigh tense again under his palm.

He finally glanced back at Edward when he felt the older blonde's hand cover his own but Ed was looking across the table at someone and so was Breda next to him.

Alphonse turned his head to see what they were looking at and his stomach lurched nauseatingly as the blonde waitress he'd been loathing all night leaned over to hand Edward a drink and in the process she purposely displayed her cleavage, no doubt for his older brother's benefit.

He looked at Edward to see him smiling slightly and then he stood up as much as he could and Alphonse moved his hand because he had to. The waitress apologized for something and used Edward's name as if she knew him, this dampened Alphonse's anger and just left him cold.

He was again struck with the question of where Edward had been earlier when he came back to the table.

Edward thanked her while Alphonse was watching Mustang, the older man gave the Ed an encouraging wink…and once the waitress had left the table everyone started to share their encouragement for Edward to take interest in the pretty blonde girl.

Alphonse pressed his hands between his thighs to stop them from shaking and swallowed sorely, looking at the people on his side of the table that were talking and laughing about something else.

He refused to cry…he couldn't, not in public…even as his mind was assaulted with images of his brother having been off in some corner with the waitress and he felt his stomach turn unpleasantly.

It hurt in the worst way, to think of Edward as sneaking off to be with someone else in secret and then lying to him about it, he hurt in the way it should when someone you love deeply lies to you or betrays you.

Even if he didn't actually know whether it was true…it hurt, because with Winry it had been true.

He barely paid attention to the countdown…or the New Year's shouts afterward. He simply forced small smiles at everyone and took the champagne glass Edward handed him but couldn't look at the older man because he felt sick and hurt and scared.

The night had been long, even if it had only been a few hours and he was so tired.

He barely tasted the champagne, one sip was enough before he left the glass amongst the new mess of glasses on the table and tuned himself out, not looking at Edward even once in all the time he was forced to sit squashed into the booth next to him.

The noise was more than bothersome by the time people finally started to leave the table to dance again, he was relieved and moved away from Edward. He didn't get very far though before one of the women in Mustang's party demanded –in a friendly way- a dance with him.

For the sake of not having to sit alone with Edward right then –because he'd surely cry if they started to talk about anything going on between them- he smiled and agreed, slipping out of the booth and taking her to the dance floor.

* * *

He danced with the friendly woman who he found out was almost ten years older than him and was trying to find out all she could about Roy Mustang's marital status, which had never been anything but single as far as he knew and so he told her…she looked relieved.

When the dance was over they walked off the floor together since they were going back to the same table but he was intercepted by Henrietta,

"Can I borrow him?" she asked with a friendly smile to the older woman, who nodded happily,

"By all means, you're lucky though, if I were a few years younger I would have said no." she joked with a wink and Henrietta giggled, obviously drunk and probably from the recent flood of champagne throughout the club.

When they were alone she smiled at him,

"I was looking for you." She said audibly as music started up again, leaning too close for comfort.

Alphonse felt her take his hand and he leaned back slightly,

"I was at my table with my brother." He offered as an explanation.

She waved a dainty well-manicured hand,

"Oh that's fine, I understand although…I wouldn't mind that kiss." She said quietly and looked at him with a slow blink, hamming up the sweetness.

He swallowed awkwardly,

"How about a dance?" he asked but didn't wait for a reply and turned to walk back onto the dance floor, she went along easily and while they danced he hoped to spot someone he could find an excuse to leave the floor with, at that point he would even have appreciated Mustang's presence.

However he was out of luck and by the end of the song she was dragging him back off the dance floor in a new direction and he was still without an excuse to get away.

Alphonse walked with her, glancing around with a frown on his face trying to spot someone. He wasn't feeling light headed anymore, after what had happened at the table earlier he felt pretty much sober and now it was emotional exhaustion he was fighting off…and the girl dragging him.

They ended up literally across the club from where Mustang's tables were and Alphonse didn't like that they were under the shelter of the above floor because it was even dimmer and he could see couples making out along the walls or talking closely.

' _This is not good.'_  He told himself surely.

"I like you Alphonse, maybe after tonight we can go out sometime." Her hands were now on his shoulders and he was looking into her dark blue eyes.

He wished right then that he had had some warning that city girls were so bold and then decided very quickly –when she leaned up to kiss him- that he was done misleading her. Alphonse leaned back from her and her pouting lips made no contact, as she blinked her eyes open in surprise he leaned forward, he pressed a chaste kiss to her cheek, his hands weren't even touching her.

Alphonse stepped back so her hands fell from his shoulders,

"Happy New Year, Henrietta." He said with an apologetic smile and turned away, walking quickly back through the crowds and feeling like a complete asshole for being so incredibly rude to her.

It was yet another guilt added to his vexing problems.

He made his way back to the table through much hassle and was breathing tiredly by the time he reached the booth, he was relieved to see Edward sitting where he'd left him,

"Edward, you said we'd leave after midnight, can we go please, now." He didn't wait to ask in case someone came along and interfered.

Edward looked lazy and tired and he nodded, his words of agreement were slightly slurred.

Alphonse felt his temper slip when Edward slurred the 's' in his name a little too much, he blinked as his eyes burned,

"You're drunk…you're fucking  **drunk**." He wiped away the sweat that had gathered on his forehead from rushing back to the table through the crowd. He was already feeling so awful and now he had to deal with a drunk Edward and wonder all the while if he was drunk because he was unhappy.

"Here you go Ed…" Alphonse's head snapped up and he glared at the blonde waitress, "…ward." She raised her eyebrows at him as she held the fresh drink in midair.

He felt himself lose his usual composure, he'd been hanging on to it all night,

"Can't you see he's had enough fucking alcohol!" he snapped at her and she frowned,

"He's a customer sir, he orders drinks and I bring them to him. He's not making any trouble, unless a bouncer throws him out his money is valuable." She said without missing a beat, raised a cheeky eyebrow and placed the glass down on the cluttered table pointedly.

He narrowed his eyes at her and gave her a distasteful look, he wouldn't yell at her and get himself thrown out, it was uncouth and he was raised far better than that, still he didn't mind telling her what he thought of her,

"Yes I'm so sure you're interested in him as a customer, it has nothing to do with you liquoring him up so he'll be too drunk to say no to your forward advances. It's unbecoming for a woman, you should stop acting like such a sl-…" he was cut short by firm hands on his shoulders and he frowned when he heard Edward say his name.

' _When did he get up?'_  he wondered and glanced to his side where Edward stood just behind him, smiling apologetically at the waitress, apparently not as drunk as Alphonse had assumed.

When he apologized to her Alphonse got angry all over again, she was a slut and he wasn't sorry about telling her as much. She gave Alphonse a dirty look that he returned and then she walked away and he couldn't help stepping away from Edward and shaking off his hands.

He turned on Edward, feeling the need to cry rise very quickly and the words just fell from his mouth,

"Why, why are we here? Did you just want to get drunk? Did you want to drown your troubles Edward, did you want to get drunk because of…" he swallowed sorely and his stomach turned again, his emotions all fighting to dominate but his sadness and hurt were winning "…I told you not to fucking lie to me and tell me you were okay…when you're obviously fucking not." He said finally, brokenly and then he had to leave because in a few minutes he wouldn't be able to avoid crying.

Alphonse turned around and started to walk away, sparing Mustang a glance before pushing past him and walking in the direction of the exit.

* * *

Once he'd made his way out of the club it'd been easier to breathe but he didn't feel any better because he was freezing cold within moments, he'd been very relieved to see a row of cabs waiting further down the street from Red Velvet, all expecting to make money from party goers needing a ride home and he'd been one of them.

Now he was closing the door to the apartment and once the click sounded he ran his shaking hands over his cheeks and eyes to clear the tears he'd been silently crying all the way home in the cab.

He didn't need an answer from Edward, not really anyway.

The party, the drinking, the atmosphere, the waitress, the question of whether he liked his dance partner…it all added up to some plan for them to get out and meet people, Alphonse had known it had something to do with him and he strongly suspected the intent was mostly for himself to meet someone.

He sobbed quietly as he pulled off his coat and then his jacket, it hurt to think Edward was trying to push him away. He'd asked Edward to tell him the truth just the day before, none of this was necessary, none of the lies or the underhanded plans was necessary.

He wasn't sick and depraved anymore and if Edward had just said 'no, I don't want this' he would have accepted it. It would have crushed him, eaten at him and broken his heart but he would have accepted it.

Alphonse stepped out of his shoes after hanging up the coat and jacket and sniffed as he walked into the dark apartment, he went straight into the lounge and over to the fire place.

He squinted in the dark to see if there was enough firewood in the hearth to get a fire started and when he confirmed there was he clapped his hands together and let the natural power flow through him as he touched his finger tips to the wood, first concentrating on drying it out before heating it up at a certain point on one of the small blocks until a flame lit.

There after he waited until it spread slightly before he removed his hands, a decent fire in under a minute and it was already warming him up where he kneeled in front of the fire place. He stood up with a sigh and stepped to the side of the hearth to pick up another fire block before he dropped it into the steady fire.

He stared at the fire for a moment and then gave into his exhaustion, he wanted to sit down and so he did but in Edward's spot on the couch. He relaxed back –ignoring the ache in his lower back- and leaned his body the way Edward usually did toward the fire and appreciated the warmth, his eyes slowly drooping and swollen from crying, the tears on his cheeks drying faster now from the warmth.

He sniffed and licked his lips, swallowing down the ever present lump in his throat.

His thoughts were stuck on the club and the fact that he'd left Edward there alone and he hated that he didn't trust Edward alone…but he hated it worse that he had no claim over the older blonde.

He sniffed again and a few more tears trailed over his cheeks,

' _He's my brother…it's not really cheating, I can't even accuse him of it.'_  He inhaled shakily and his stomach hurt so he closed his eyes and let himself rest, hoping to stop the pain and worry curdling his insides.

It'd barely been five minutes before he heard the front door open and his chest eased with relief as he opened his eyes and swallowed sorely, quickly wiping tears off his face and then sitting calmly, staring into the fire. He listened to the shuffling of clothes and the coat closet opening and closing before Edward finally appeared in the lounge archway.

Alphonse prepared himself to face his brother, sitting forward and meeting Edward's tired concerned gaze. The older man walked into the lounge while removing his jacket and asked quietly if Alphonse was okay and the younger blonde felt the flood gates open before he had a chance to stop them.

His emotions all rushed forward at once and he shook his head firmly at Edward,

"No Edward, I'm  **not**  okay." His voice was louder than he'd intended and he dialed it down as he continued, standing up as Edward came to stand across the table from him, "I asked you not to lie to me, you told me with a straight face that you didn't regret what happened but you obviously did because it's only been a day and you wanted to get out, you didn't want to be alone with me right? You wanted to be around people and get drunk, right? Was all  **that**  easier than just telling me  **the fucking truth**." He wanted an answer, he felt like he knew and he was afraid of the answer but he needed to know.

Did Edward regret sleeping with him? Did Edward not want to be close him anymore? Why then did he kiss back earlier that evening and  _why_  did it feel so good whenever he kissed Alphonse, why did it feel so real and so right?

Edward looked confused and tired and he shook his head,

"No, no Alphonse you have it all wrong." He half whispered, voice weak.

Alphonse's temper flared, Edward wasn't answering him but had the nerve to say he was wrong?

"Which part do I have wrong? The part where you  _wanted_  to go out, the part where you  _hoped_  I might enjoy myself and find a pretty little girl for myself, the part where that waitre-…" he stopped there because he remembered he couldn't accuse his brother of cheating on him, it was ridiculous and he didn't want Edward to laugh at him or point out how absolutely stupid he sounded saying something so pitiable.

He didn't want to hear Edward tell him the truth if the truth was that it was over.

But he was still asking to hear it.

He doubted he'd ever heal from the pain of Edward's ultimate rejection but at least he could set the older blonde free from what he'd forced on him.

Every memory of Edward and Winry he could think of hurt and every memory of recent weeks where Edward cried because of what they were doing tore him apart slowly and achingly, his guilt had been building, eating away at him and after the long night and seeing his older brother turn to alcohol and  _socializing_ –Edward hated socializing- for relaxation and calm he knew things had gone too far.

Edward just stared at him, looking defeated and wanting to say something.

"Why then Ed, why all of this?" Alphonse kept his decision to torture himself with answers.

Edward shook his head and sighed with a heavy shrug,

"It doesn't matter why I did it…it was stupid and I proved to myself that we can't go back, we ca-…" his voice was strained and his words were painful.

Alphonse inhaled sharply when the truth struck home and rattled his insides painfully.

Edward wanted to  **go back**  after saying they never could.

His lips trembled and his tears fell against his will,

"You wanted to go  **back?**  How am I wrong about you regretting this if you wanted to go back?" he blinked slowly as his eyes burned, his shaking hand weakly gesturing to Edward and then himself.

This was it…he knew now that Edward didn't want this between them, he didn't need to question further. It was up to him now to do what his older brother who loved him more than Alphonse felt he deserved could not do. End it.

"I just wanted you to see that you had options Alphonse, natural, normal, legal and healthy options." Edward rambled off, his voice steady and a little desperate, trying to make his point, validate his actions.

Alphonse felt incredibly sick and he ran his shaking hands back through his hair,

"But I told you Ed, I don't want options, I don't want anyone except you…I told you I'm in love with you. I told you I don't care that we're brothers, I just need you." He shook his head, saying the useless words again as his insides tensed and shook painfully.

He needed to sleep…he was exhausted from the simple task of even thinking. He could hardly look at Edward's frowning face, tears springing to his dull gold eyes,

"I…I know. I knew all along, I just thought I'd try one last time to give you a normal life." He mumbled miserably. Alphonse swallowed sorely and wiped tears from his eyes harshly, ignoring Edward's words because they did not matter in light of the bigger picture,

"That doesn't change the fact that you're unhappy, you're hurting and I told you I would  **not**  hurt you anymore, not after everything you've done for me…" he pointed a shaky finger at the floor to make his point and then felt the trembles in his body get worse, he thought he might fall over and he just wanted to lay down "…we can't go back, but we can stop." He walked around the table quickly and past Edward keeping his head hung.

He made it into the hall before Edward grabbed his arm to stop him and turned him around harshly, weak and tired as he was the grip on his arm actually hurt. Edward tried to tell him that they could not stop but he wasn't interested in hearing more lies and excuses intended to protect him, so he yanked his arm from Edward's hold and nearly fell over from the effort,

"Yes there is!" he shouted and in the silent apartment it was awfully loud, "That's what you were trying to achieve tonight isn't it, normalcy, to see if we could be normal again. If you could force yourself to be with me then I can force myself to be with someone else so that you can be happy!" he lowered his voice a bit that time but he wasn't done and he talked over Edward's interruptions, "You're  **always**  sacrificing for me! Always hurting yourself to make me happy and I was so sick I just kept taking advantage of you. But you helped me get better and now I know what I've been doing to you and I can't do it anymore, all it does is make you unhappy Edward. I asked you not lie to me, I asked you…" he was out of breath, his chest hurt, his eyes were wet and he felt light headed by the end of his rant.

He was also shaking badly and Edward was looking desperate and hurt, Alphonse closed his burning eyes and he pressed his hands into his face trying to catch his breath while he back stepped slowly.

' _It wasn't supposed to be like this, we've been through so much, why can't it just be okay?'_  he thought bitterly and sobbed weakly. He didn't hear what Edward was saying but he felt cold hands touch his forearms were his sleeves had fallen back and he stepped back quickly away and removed his hands from his face.

Edward was crying too and he looked like he was hurting and it felt like the beginning all over again. Alphonse couldn't take it, the guilt had never been so bad because he'd been so sick but now he  **knew**  and he hated what he'd done and what he'd caused,

"Edward just leave me alone for a while okay, I was just waiting up to make sure you got home okay…I'm going to bed." He breathed out shakily, he felt he really needed to lie down.

He turned to wobble into his bedroom but Edward's arms encircled him around his upper body and he groaned, he felt so weak and tired and he didn't want to be close to Edward because it hurt inside. It was too much to deal with, the older blonde never said what he meant or what he wanted and Alphonse was suffering emotionally because he couldn't guess and every time they went back and forth it cut just a little deeper.

He attempted to struggle against Edward's hold but even that was pitiful, he had no energy left to fight and so he relaxed back against the older man who was leaning against the wall, breathing just as shallowly and shaking slightly as well and Alphonse could feel his blonde hair tickle his neck as Edward rested his forehead on his shoulder.

"I love you so fucking much, Alphonse." Edward said quietly in an emotional voice and Alphonse felt himself wilt pathetically, his body giving up and when Edward pressed a warm, wet kiss to his neck he shuddered inside and out and it hurt more than anything else. His lips trembled, he hung his head forward and he shut his eyes making more tears slide over his cheeks,

"Ed-ward. You're confusing me and…it fucking hu-rts…" he managed to say in a strained voice.

The pain of not knowing was worse than anything.

Why would Edward kiss him? It wasn't fair.

He felt Edward loosen his hold and opened his eyes, turning around as the hands now lightly clutching his upper arms directed him and once he was facing Edward again he felt weak when he saw love, affection and need reflected in his golden eyes. Alphonse gave up, there was nothing else he could do.

He loved Edward in every way and even if it was just brotherly love Edward would give, he wanted it, he just wanted something tangible from Ed because he'd spent years without it and only realized when it was too late to stop it just how much he wanted to touch Edward and be close to him.

He took a few quiet shuddering breaths as he slipped his arms around Edward's neck and leaned against him, forehead to forehead, his older brother's warm breath against his lips no longer smelled of fresh toothpaste but instead of strong alcohol that made his nose burn.

He felt his emotions well up when Edward touched his face and pulled him into a kiss –another kiss- that he did not know the meaning of, that he did not understand the intent behind. He could hardly breathe because of his building anxiety from the short lip to lip kiss alone and the one that followed made him want to cry. Edward sucked his bottom lip gently and it made him warm and weak, he'd only just touched his tongue to Edward's lips before it was sucked into his older brother's mouth almost demandingly and Alphonse moaned.

It didn't make sense to be kissed like that by someone who didn't want him.

He drew back from the kiss to breathe because his nasal passage wasn't clear, he'd been crying too much and he was starting to feel stuffy and congested, he inhaled deeply and looked over Edward's calm expression, he didn't want to be confused anymore and this time he just decided to ask, he could only hope he wouldn't be lied to,

"Can't you just tell me what you're thinking, I'm tired of guessing." He loosened his arms from around Edward's neck and held his shoulders.

And then with a sincerely shaken voice and completely expressive eyes Edward told him the truth.

" **I enjoyed it Alphonse, I wanted to touch you."**

Alphonse felt himself smile before he knew he wanted to and once again he was rushed with so many emotions, he opened his mouth to say words but at first all he managed was a long shaken breath. Then he swallowed and tried again while looking into Edward's tense expression, his eyes were shut tightly and he frowned as though he was upset,

"You wanting me isn't taking advantage of me, it's…it's perfect…" he heard himself say, letting the words and reassurances roll off his tongue. Edward had feelings for him…he could hardly breathe, "I love you, I want you to have me just as much as I want to have you…okay…Ed…please?" he finally said.

He just wanted Edward to know it was okay, Alphonse was not being taken advantage of.

After everything that had happened that night hearing that Edward wanted him took away the pain and replaced it with hope and excitement…even though the uncertainty subconsciously remained, it was overwhelmed with positive emotions right then.

When Edward opened his eyes and nodded Alphonse kissed him quickly and deeply, slipping his arms around Ed's neck again and pressing flush to his firm body as he lapped at Edward's tongue needily. He felt Edward's arms encircle his waist and he slowed down, feeling more secure now he savored the strong flavor of white spirited liquor on Edward's tongue.

Alphonse played the fingers of his right hand into the hair at the nape of Edward's neck as they re-angled their mouths smoothly and slowly, Alphonse let a few breathy noises of appreciation slip between their wet kisses.

He groaned quietly when Edward pulled back from kissing him, he looked so sexy and relaxed as he leaned his head back against the wall and suggested they go to the lounge because he wanted to sit down.

Alphonse remembered then how cold it was outside and realized Edward hadn't had a chance to warm up when he came in.

That was his fault for starting that argument but he didn't regret it after Edward's confession.

It wasn't so simple as just forgetting everything that he'd done to Ed or that had happened, it wasn't even so simple as just suddenly trusting that Edward hadn't done anything with that waitress…right then it was about Edward's admission to enjoying sleeping with him.

Yes, Edward was afraid of how he felt and had tried to deny it and find a way around it but he  **still**  felt it and that would not just go away no matter what. If he felt it then it was real and there was more to them than just forced affection and unintentional hurt.

It was still incest but that was a secret they both knew they had to keep.

Walking into the lounge with Edward holding his hand was enough to blur all the details, it was a lot like it had been after Edward had come out of his room from Winry, if he blurred the details then it didn't hurt so much all the time.

He felt Edward release his hand and he walked forward to sit down while Edward stood and looked down at him thoughtfully, for a moment he felt slightly tense but then the older blonde leaned over him and said in a rather low husk that he should lie down. So Alphonse did and at the same time his skin broke out in pleasant goose bumps and his insides warmed because Edward was leaning over him looking very sexy, some of his hair from his ponytail hanging over his shoulder.

Alphonse had no idea what was going to happen but when Edward leaned down to kiss him he eagerly responded, leaning up into the kiss and tugging on the older blonde's shirt because he wanted to feel that perfectly muscled body pressed against him.

Instead of laying down Edward pulled back and sat up so he was upright and in one quick but relaxed movement he took his shirt off and Alphonse watched every torso muscle tense and relax as Ed did so and his enjoyment of the sight pulsed straight to his groin…

…followed by much more arousal when Edward's cool hands slid under his own shirt and pushed it up his torso slowly, gliding lightly rough palms over Al's warm skin. Alphonse raised his arms and was happy to be shirtless a moment later, he was just about to reach up and run his hands over the sculpted perfection of Ed's abdomen muscles when the older blonde leaned over again and his thumb was soon brushing lightly and then roughly over one of Alphonse's nipples.

He shuddering pleasantly and encouraged Edward by touching the teasing hand with his own, every small press and play made him just a little bit harder,

"I love it when you touch me like this…" he said it quietly and was entirely honest.

Edward smiled down at him,

"I enjoy touching you…Alphonse." Ed said it very quietly so it was almost lost to the crackling fire and then he moved to lie down and the younger blonde quickly raised his leg that had been off the couch so he could accommodate Edward lying above him.

Edward kissed him right when he lay flat atop him and while Alphonse tried desperately to focus on their bare chests touching and Edward's tongue in his mouth he found he couldn't right then…because there was a firm hardness in Edward's jeans that was pressing against his own.

His breath caught as the sweet shock of realization wracked his lean frame and he wrapped his legs around Edward's waist quickly, sliding his hands down the older blonde's back slowly and firmly as he tingled with arousal. He was rewarded for his actions with a slow but firm rocking of Edward's hips and a moment of harsh, firm, clothed friction between their erections.

Alphonse turned his head out of the kiss to catch his breath and Edward pressed light kisses to his jaw line and then to his neck slowly. He could hardly believe what he was feeling and yet at the same time he didn't question it, he would never, not when he was undoubtedly the cause of his older brother's completely natural erection. Alphonse bit his lip and made a breathy noise when Edward's teeth lightly scraped over his adam's apple, drawing together to nip at his skin softly and even though it pinched and left a stinging sensation behind it still felt so good.

Alphonse remembered where his hands were belatedly and slipped them around Ed's waist from his lower back, feeling the hard leather of Ed's black belt as he felt his way to the buckle and started to pull the belt strap free of the jeans loop. He had gotten as far as pulling the strap through the buckle before Edward's lips lifted from the skin at the base of his throat and pressed a hot breathy kiss to Alphonse's ear, tickling it sensually before he mumbled,

"What are you doing?" he asked quietly and his hand slid between them to still Alphonse's hands just after he'd managed to unlink the buckle pin from the belt hole. The younger blonde frowned, breathing shallowly and quickly as he turned his face to look at Edward,

"Edward, can we…" he blushed, always hating to ask but somehow knowing he had to, "…can we have sex?"

The older blonde blinked at him slowly, Alphonse felt his breaths ghost over his cheek and lips before Edward raised his head so he was looking down at him and he shook his head slightly,

"No, we can't Alphonse." He said quietly.

Alphonse frowned deeper and blinked sleepily, his eye lids felt heavy and his body was warm and relaxed –a sharp contrast to how he'd been feeling all night- his exhaustion was rapidly catching up with him,

"But why, don't you want to?" he moved his hand from Ed's belt to press his warm palm to the outline of his older brother's stiff erection in his jeans.

Edward smiled slightly down at him and his own hand between them covered Alphonse's before he removed it and brought it up holding it in his own, he kissed Al's palm in a way that made the younger blonde feel incredibly feather light and giddy,

"It's only been about 24 hours, you need at least another day or two before you'll even be able to properly enjoy it or it'll just be uncomfortable." He was talking about sex, Alphonse knew.

He didn't like the way that sounded, it wasn't that he questioned Ed's knowledge it just frustrated him because he was still trying to reel in his raging emotions and exhilaration at the fact that the older blonde was passed his mental repression and was able to react to him without hindrance, now he had to be patient and it just annoyed him. He hoped it wouldn't be that way every time.

He exhaled quietly in frustration and leaned his head up, Edward obliged by leaning down slightly to kiss him a few times on the lips, easing Alphonse back so his head was relaxed again and the older blonde was teasing his lips almost sweetly with kisses.

Edward's hand released his own and warm fingers touched his neck lightly followed by Ed's warm hand running sensually over Alphonse's collar bone and onto his chest, Edward caught Al's nipple between his index and middle finger and squeezed lightly and the younger blonde frowned at the dirty feelings the touch evoked within him, his lips parting so he could exhale slowly.

He felt even lighter headed at the smile that tugged at Edward's lips right before he slipped his tongue deep into Alphonse's open mouth. He was not about to complain about the older blonde's smug teasing, he didn't care how Edward touched him or how it amused the older man, it just felt so fucking good and he didn't want it to end.

His eyes slid closed as he kissed back weakly, his movements felt sluggish as his body warmed and relaxed more and more by the second, his hands eventually went back to sliding along Edward's firm flanks and Alphonse lingered his fingers over the scar on the older man's left side, touching the smooth scarred skin in a soft caress.

Edward's free hand was now in his hair and the sensation of his scalp being lightly massaged made his extremities feel numb and heavy, it was only when Edward drew back from the kiss that Alphonse tried to open his heavy lidded eyes and realized he was right on the verge of falling asleep.

He managed to open his eyes to look up into Edward's smiling face and he smiled as much as he could, the older blonde's smile wavered,

"I'm sorry about tonight…it's just that these feelings scare me Alphonse…I shouldn't feel like this about you." His fingers treaded lightly through Al's hair and over his ear, it felt so relaxing and when Edward leaned down to kiss his forehead sweetly Alphonse sighed contentedly.

Alphonse had many things he wanted to say and insist but forming words seemed impossible, he practically couldn't feel his mouth and he was slipping slowly into sleep barely aware of his surroundings anymore, his eyes were scarcely open…in that moment he was safe, warm and happy with the only person he'd ever need, it was perfect.

He just smiled, his eyes slipping closed and he said 'I love you Edward' but it was in his mind and didn't actually make it passed his lips, he felt Edward chuckle for some reason and it rumbled through his chest above his own, the ideal closeness if Alphonse ever felt it.

He felt warm breath before another kiss was pressed to his lips and he tried weakly to pucker his lips but the contact was gone too quickly, Alphonse couldn't even open his eyes. He heard Edward say something about 'sleeping' but the rest of the words drifting through his mind too distorted by his wavering consciousness.

He was conscious enough to clutch the warmth above him closer and he lethargically pressed his hands into the skin of Edward's back trying to hug him closer, to tell him not to leave without words…and within minutes Alphonse was fast asleep and the last thing he had been aware of was the hot body above him relaxing and steady breathing against the side of his neck.

* * *

When Alphonse woke up many hours later it was with a mild headache, pain behind his sore eyes and a stuffy nose. He slowly blinked his eyes opened and inhaled quietly and deeply, his eyes burned some but he didn't let it stop him from forcing them to stay open as he looked around the lounge from where he lay.

He swallowed sorely, his mouth tasted awfully bitter and felt thick with saliva, he looked around the day lit lounge, realizing he was laying on his side. He trailed his sore eyes around him as he willed his body to move and got his arm underneath him to push himself up so he was leaning on his elbow.

He licked his dry lips slowly and blinked a few times, grimacing at how sandy his eyes felt.

He noticed the fire had burned out, the daylight from outside was overcast and the apartment was deathly silent. He inhaled deeply and closed his eyes, raising a sluggish hand from under heavy blankets to rub over his face and brush his cold hair back from his forehead. When he reopened his eyes he looked over the two heavy duvets thrown over him, no doubt by Edward and then he felt his bare chest under the blankets and smiled slightly as the night before –or early morning rather- came back to him.

Despite his headache, dull ache in his body and obvious dehydration he still felt really good, his good mood alone was enough to negate all the negative physical feelings that followed all of his drinking, dancing and crying from the night before.

He sat up properly, shifting so his legs were off the couch and his warm socked feet were touching the cold tiles, he shivered slightly at the cold and wondered why the fire was off.

He looked at his turtleneck from the night before folded neatly on the coffee table for him, he picked it up, fanned it out and pulled it on with a shiver before he stood up unsteadily, still mostly unbalanced and sleepy. He made his way around the coffee table and through the lounge into the quiet hall where he glanced down at CookieBoots who was sleeping next to the kitchen entrance, he raised his furry ears when Alphonse approached.

He meowed and rolled over with a stretch, acting cute for attention, the younger blonde smiled lovingly at him and attempted to lean down to pet him but his equilibrium failed him as he did so and he braced himself against the wall with one hand for balance quickly. He placed his other hand to his forehead, the sharp ache in his head determined for Alphonse that alcohol was not worth the trouble the day after, apologizing quietly to his kitten, he proceeded down the hall and walked into the bathroom, pushing the door shut behind him.

Once he'd peed and washed his hands and face with cold water to wake up, he walked out of the bathroom feeling physically worse, his good mood was also declining as he walked through the hall and looked into Edward's open bedroom door to the older man's bed, seeing it was made up and empty.

"He's not here." Alphonse rasped to himself and glanced down at his meowing kitten as it rubbed up against his jean clad legs. He crouched down this time, slowly, and picked the kitten up before standing up slowly as he cradled the furry animal and made his way back down the hall to the kitchen.

He remembered the night before with relative clarity, he hadn't been drunk, it was just that he was unused to alcohol and it had dehydrated him terribly. That along with his crying and stress made for a bad physical state.

He remembered dancing a lot, he remembered his paranoia about Edward and the waitress, he remembered the pretty blue eyed girl who had tried to kiss him, he remembered his older brother being slightly inebriated and the arguments that followed, both at the club and when they were home…and he remembered Edward kissing him…and Edward being naturally aroused by him.

He smiled as he walked into the kitchen and set the kitten down on a chair, he thought about drinking coffee even though he hated how it tasted - he felt like he needed the caffeine boost- but his sensible side told him water was all he needed besides a hot shower.

"Maybe I should go out for a run after I shower…" he thought aloud as he picked up a clean glass from the drying rack, he glanced in the sink as he opened the cold tap to fill the glass with water and saw a used coffee mug inside, obviously Edward's.

He quickly drank the cold liquid down before refilling the glass, swallowing sorely a few times after because his throat hurt. For the second glass he sat down at the table and sipped on the water, CookieBoots had left the kitchen he noticed as he glanced around but he managed to spot a note laying on the cold gas stove top.

He finished his second glass of water in a few strained swallows and stood up, walking around the table to the stove where he picked up the note paper with his brother's neat cursive handwriting on it.

-  _Had to go and see Mustang at HQ. Made breakfast, check the warmer. Be back later._

Alphonse blinked slowly and sighed, he thought back to the night before when he'd shoved Mustang out of his way before he'd left the club, this was the first time he was actually wondering about what might have happened with Ed after he stormed off. He'd been paranoid about the waitress –which still concerned him if he was honest with himself- but he supposed he should be more concerned about the questions left behind after his abrupt departure.

He would have to ask Edward about it when he got back, or just judge by his mood after seeing Mustang.

With a sigh for his aching head and body, he glanced up at the clock above the doorway and was genuinely shocked to see that it was after 1 pm, he hadn't realized he had slept so late. Alphonse considered the breakfast Edward mentioned but his stomach disagreed with the idea of food, so he crumbled the note in his hand and walked out of the kitchen, tossing the small paper in the kitchen bin as he passed it.

Right then all he wanted was a shower.

* * *

When Alphonse was done showering and cleaning the taste of stale alcohol off his tongue he felt much better, the hot water had soothed the ache in his body and he was able to determine –with some elation- that most of the pain was muscular and not coming from his insides.

Every time he thought about the fact that Edward had gotten a  _natural_  erection for him he tingled with need and if his body was over the discomfort then it meant that they could be physically intimate again really soon.

He still felt uncertain and guilty but he doubted he'd ever feel completely vindicated considering what he'd done to bring himself and Edward to that point so he didn't dwell on it because he didn't believe he deserved to be free of guilt.

He walked out of the steamy bathroom with a towel around his waist while rubbing his hair dry with another towel, the air in the hall was cold and stung at the water droplets on his bare skin but he was still too warm to be affected by it yet. As he walked into his bedroom he felt his leg muscles tense sorely, dancing had used muscles he hadn't exerted in a long time and it made him long to train on a regular basis like he and Edward used to.

He was still out of shape.

He hoped now that they'd sorted out the worst of their emotional confusion, things might get a little better, after all, Edward had finally admitted to having feelings for him of a sexual and romantic nature, that was huge, it was life changing…it meant there were no boundaries any more.

He grinned stupidly to himself as he opened his wardrobes, there was something even more thrilling about the idea of sleeping with Edward again now that there was no guilt for him to bear about drugging his brother to get it going.

He was digging through his underwear drawer when he heard the main door open down the hall,

"Alphonse, are you up?" Edward's voice carried down the hall and was followed by the door closing.

He was surprised by the instant shudder that went through him when he heard Edward's voice, it was shocking –and embarrassing- to react that way and it brought to his attention how very much he was aching to be with the older blonde again. He didn't remember their first time detail for detail like he had wanted to but now it didn't matter because he knew he would be getting it so much better very soon…or at least he hoped.

He licked his lips and pulled boxer shorts out quickly when he heard the coat closet door close and footfalls nearing in the hall,

"I'm in here." He called out to answer Edward belatedly.

He turned to face the door when he heard it creak open and he smiled at Edward who was clad in his usual black clothes from head to toe, hair tied back neatly and his nose a little red from the cold outside,

"I thought you might still be asleep, I couldn't even get you to wake up before I left." He smiled slightly and leaned in the door way. Alphonse watched him carefully, always interested in the older blonde's reactions to him.

But Edward didn't seem to think much of him being half naked and he wondered if he should let that bother him,

"I woke up about a half hour ago, I don't remember you trying to wake me." He smiled back, taking the lead from Edward and not bringing up anything about the night before, he didn't seem stressed out.

Edward smirked slightly amused,

"Do you have a hangover?" he sounded amused as well as he crossed his arms over his chest.

Alphonse shook his head,

"I didn't drink that much." He admitted and reached for the knot of his towel, hesitating and considering slipping his boxer shorts on under his towel…but somehow the idea seemed silly.

Would he be doing it for his feigned modesty or because he thought it might upset Edward if he didn't?

"Oh yeah?" Edward grumbled, "Maybe that's why that bastard only made me pay for my own tab and not…" the older blonde paused when Alphonse dropped his towel, "…not yours as well." He finished after a beat.

Alphonse forced himself not to smile at the odd reaction and he looked at the older blonde as he pulled his shorts up onto his waist,

"And you paid?" he asked with a half-smile, noticing that Edward kept his gaze steadily on his own face.

Edward shrugged, his expression a little withdrawn,

"Yeah well, I kind of owed him some gratitude…last night he helped me out." He said quietly.

Alphonse's smile slowly faded and he frowned, wondering what Edward meant…it was probably time they talked about the night before.

He turned back to his wardrobe and grabbed the first clean shirt he could find, he pulled the dark grey T shirt over his head and walked over to Edward, stopping just two feet away and sighing quietly,

"You want to talk about what happened last night?" he asked quietly.

Edward blinked and looked up, smiling slightly amused at the state of Al's half dried untidy hair,

"What good is that gonna do?" Ed mumbled and turned around, walking back into the hall.

Alphonse followed while trying to neaten his hair and his words left his mouth the second he thought them,

"Edward, I don't want to be confused about this anymore, I want us to talk openly so I know what you're thinking and feeling!" the words rushed from him driven by emotion and his voice cracked.

He stopped short behind the older blonde when Edward turned around to look at him with a sad thoughtful frown on his face, he sighed and the younger blonde stopped running his hands through his hair, he already felt a stirring of upset in his stomach. Anxiety.

Edward nodded slowly and Al felt relieved,

"Okay, your right, we should. Last night was a pretty big fuck up, I fucked up…" he rubbed the back of his neck and frowned "…I'd like to tell you that I didn't expect to upset you Alphonse…but that'd be a lie." He admitted plainly and turned around, walking away again.

Alphonse stared at him until he disappeared into the kitchen, he frowned to himself because Edward had just admitted to  _intentionally_  expecting to hurt him.

That shocked him and made him feel cold with worry.

He walked into the kitchen to find Edward placing the stove kettle on the burner, Alphonse tipped his head curiously,

"You intended to hurt me?" he asked sternly.

Edward looked at him with slightly wide eyes and shook his head quickly,

"Not hurt you…but I knew you didn't want to go and I knew my reasons for going would piss you off, if you found out." He mumbled and turned away, going over to the cupboards for a coffee mug.

"Then…" Alphonse realized, "…then I was right, we went out because you…didn't want to be like this with me?" he felt instantly sick.

Confusion filled him as he tried to figure out what the night before had meant in all the mess.

Edward sighed loudly and shook his head as he turned around again, this time when he saw Alphonse's face he practically dropped his mug onto the table and rushed over. Alphonse assumed he was pale because he felt cold and Edward was rubbing his arms soothingly as soon as he was in reach,

"No, not that part…" Edward huffed, "…the part about me wanting you to meet a girl and…" he squeezed Alphonse's upper arms and the younger blonde frowned at him worriedly, "…the part about me being scared of how I…of the way I've started to feel about you, that was true as well." He finished quietly.

Alphonse couldn't help a small smile when Ed admitted again that he felt something, the older blonde shook his head and smiled as well, most likely because of his girlish reaction. He looked into Edward's face lovingly, he was a little pale as well and he looked tired. The thought occurred to Al,

"Did  **you** have a hangover?" he asked in a teasing tone.

Edward made a face and moved to step back, removing his hands and Alphonse missed the small warmth,

"I've had worse." Ed mumbled.

Alphonse watched him turn around and stepped forward quickly, deciding to be bold now that Edward had once again –soberly- told him that he had feelings for him, he slipped his arms around the older blonde's waist and hugged him from behind, pressing his mouth to the back of Ed's shoulder. He just wanted physical closeness now that he could have it, whenever he could have it and Edward didn't pull away, he just stood still and let himself be held.

"I'm sorry about leaving the club like that, Edward." He mumbled and inhaled quietly from his older brother's shirt that smelled of his warm skin.

Edward shrugged and patted Al's arms around his waist,

"It was my fault, just forget about that. I've told you the truth now so we can forget about last night." He said quietly.

A part of Alphonse wanted to ask about the waitress and whether Edward had done anything with her but he still felt like he had no right, as much as the worry hurt him, just as badly as the thought of Ed and Winry, he had no right to accuse the older blonde of cheating.

So he focused on a different thing, the one thing that had changed and that he hoped would eventually change their relationship completely. He had hoped a long time ago and now he could again that if he and Edward started to live like real lovers then everything else would fall into place, including monogamy.

Alphonse squeezed Edward a little tighter and sighed,

"We don't have to forget  _everything_  about last night do we…like what happened on the couch?" he mumbled.

He wished he could have seen Edward's face but he was only able to feel him tense slightly, it wasn't a bad tense though, it was just him shifting out of Alphonse's hold to turn around and face him, looking a little awkward but smiling,

"Uh, n-no…that was as genuine as it gets Al, I can't pretend it didn't happen." He said very quietly.

Alphonse felt intensely warm at those words and the small smile Edward was giving him, it was reassuring in its own way to hear that he wasn't going to deny what he felt. It felt like a lot had happened yet it all boiled down to that one confession…after everything they'd gone through, in the end Edward wanted him too.

Alphonse snapped out of his thoughts when Edward walked away from him and back over to the stove, the kettle was boiling so he took it off the stove and put it on the counter. Alphonse watched him move around the kitchen quietly, he spooned some instant coffee into his mug and then ran his hand over his ponytail with one hand while he filled the mug with boiling water using his other hand a moment later.

When the older blonde was stirring a single sugar into his cup Alphonse couldn't stop himself from saying,

"Edward, I'm…" he paused because Edward turned around to face him, sipping his steaming hot coffee and only flinching slightly as it burned his lips. Alphonse waited as Ed placed the mug down on the table and only spoke when he moved to sit down, "…I'm not sore, Edward." He said abruptly, blushing lightly.

Edward paused with his hand on the back of a chair and stared at Alphonse.

He blinked a few times, looking a little confused and then he raised an eyebrow,

"Alphonse…" he looked awkward again but his voice was firm, "…I'm not going anywhere, it will happen again, it doesn't have to happen at the soonest possible moment." He sat down and picked up his coffee mug.

Alphonse felt incredibly imprudent under the demur gaze Edward leveled him with, he probably seemed needy and desperate to his older brother and he felt consciously embarrassed about it for the first time.

He nodded to Edward awkwardly and then turned to leave the kitchen, Alphonse frowned to himself as he walked down the cold hall, his feet burning from the cold tiles.

' _I should probably feel a lot worse about being so pathetic around him…'_  he told himself, but he honestly didn't.

He already knew he loved how vulnerable –and sexy- Edward made him feel, even if it was debauch of him to enjoy such a thing it didn't change the fact. But his eagerness at that point was mostly because he was so keen to have his fantasy fulfilled, mutual completely natural and consensual sex with Edward was just within his reach…yet once again it was being put off.

He stopped just short of his bedroom door, he considered turning around to go back and insist they do it right then, but he was assaulted with common sense and the possibility that his desperation might be unattractive.

The thought made him feel ashamed of himself and he was grateful for it, it kept him in line…because demanding sex would be the same as forcing Edward.

So he'd wait. Because Edward wanted to.

* * *

Alphonse pushed the front door closed after himself and sighed as he pulled his coat off and stepped out of his shoes, his face burned and there were snowflakes dampening his newly washed hair. The hot shower he'd taken that morning seemed like a distant dream now that he was chilled to the bone.

He regretted going to the university on that particularly cold day to settle his enrollment but he'd needed to get out of the apartment. He was becoming frustrated with Edward's insistent neutrality, the older blonde was acting completely normal, talking, working and behaving as though there was nothing constantly hanging over them…or over Alphonse at least since Edward seemed unaffected.

The younger blonde felt as though their relationship needed consummating and Edward was behaving as though he'd conveniently forgotten about it. Alphonse was a little disappointed with himself, he was naively hoping that sex would somehow be his ticket to securing Edward's romantic affection, which was illogical and foolish of him but he still clung to the idea because he had very few options since things were not exactly looking up. He'd kept his stupidity in check by telling himself not to behave shamelessly around Edward, he'd been making the very best effort not to even look at the older blonde suggestively over the past two days, waiting patiently for any sort of attention or hint but nothing was forthcoming from Edward.

They kissed in the mornings and before bed but that was about it.

Alphonse wanted more…he needed more and Edward just didn't get that.

He walked away from the main door after hanging his coat up and he frowned irritably, he remembered what Edward had said two days before about a natural, healthy relationship that he'd wanted Alphonse to realize he could have. Alphonse didn't want a relationship with anyone except Edward, yet he knew he could never have that sort of relationship with him. Their relationship would never be natural because it was incestuous and it would never be healthy because Alphonse was very needy when it came to Edward and the older blonde had serious conscious crisis issues when it came to Alphonse.

Their brotherly relationship had always been closer than most siblings usually were and in turn had seemed unhealthy but they'd been well balanced and happy all the same. But the relationship they were in now was not brotherly and it was riddled with uncertainty and Alphonse was overwhelmed with insecurities about Edward's feelings at every turn.

It was a mess, even if Edward was finally returning his feelings after everything, the mess was still obvious between them and there didn't seem to be a way to clear it. Alphonse didn't want to have to resign himself to Edward always being so divergent and himself always seeking attention, but it seemed it might end up that way. After all of their emotional turmoil it was starting to look like there'd be a lot of physical issues to work out as well.

Alphonse glanced into the lounge as he passed and then into the kitchen as well but didn't see Edward, the bathroom door was wide open and aside from CookieBoots playing with one of his mouse toys on the tiles it was empty as well. He sighed thinking Edward was probably asleep since he was still in the designing phase of his contract he was working from home, so he could take naps.

He walked to Edward's door and didn't bother to knock, the room was practically his as well so he just walked in and when he did the older blonde looked up at him from the book he was reading, he was laying on his bed with one arm behind his head propped up on pillows and he was stretched out, holding the thick book upright where it rested on his stomach.

Alphonse assumed Edward was trying to keep the kitten out so he closed the door knowing the older blonde had to keep his drawing materials and books away from the eager claws of the ever naughtier pet.

"How'd it go?" Ed asked distractedly, Alphonse looked at him to see he was reading again, his golden eyes sweeping over the page fluently.

He was irritated again at the strong need he felt to gain Edward's full attention,

"Fine, it's all sorted out." He mumbled and walked closer to the bed with his hands in his pants pockets, eyes trailing over Edward.

He'd obviously showered and changed in the time Alphonse had been gone after breakfast that morning, his hair was open and mostly dry and his clothes were different. Edward closed the book when he realized Alphonse was standing and looking at him, he sat up, leaning forward and drawing his legs up but not completely because his automail made it awkward to cross his legs underneath himself.

"That's good to know, when is the first tuition fee due?" Edward tucked some hair behind his ear and then frowned absently as if just noticing it was not tied up. Alphonse watched as he raised his hands, book discarded to his side, and started to pull his long hair back to the base of his neck.

Alphonse remembered asking Edward why he always slept with his hair braided in recent weeks, considering he'd always left it open years before, it seemed odd. The older blonde had pointed out that it was twice the length it used to be when he was a teenager and leaving it open was impractical and irritating, Alphonse had to agree with that reasoning since he didn't like having long hair at all.

"Better sooner than later, isn't that how it works with everything." Alphonse quipped irritably as the older blonde braided his long hair loosely and glanced at him,

"Uh, yeah I guess. I'll sort it out tomorrow then. Will they take a cheque? I don't really want to take that much cash out of the bank but if I have to…" he trailed off as he reached the end of his braid and glanced at his nightstand, picking up one of his many used elastics and tying the braid off.

Alphonse dropped his gaze to the floor as he battled with his contradicting feelings, he felt both happy and sad at the fact that Edward took care of him so well.

"I'm sure a cheque is fine…thanks Edward." He said quietly and looked back up. Edward –who had been running his fingers through his bangs- glanced at him again and smiled slightly,

"You don't have to thank me, Al." he said sincerely.

Alphonse raised his eyebrows,

"Of course I do, you're paying for my education, which will probably be about four years' worth of tuition fees, it would have been six or seven if I wasn't taking an accelerated course." He walked over and sat at the bottom of Edward's bed.

They'd slept in Ed's bed the past two nights like before but it had been just sleep and the good night kisses were plain and simple, it had caused his initial upset to grow into anxiety because once again Edward was acting like he didn't want to follow through on his feelings.

Edward leaned back against the wall and shrugged,

"Whatever." He dismissed his own importance to Alphonse as he so often did and the younger blonde just sighed quietly. He looked at Edward's pale flesh foot as the older blonde half stretched his legs out again, his feet just short of where Alphonse sat at the foot of the bed.

Alphonse turned so his one leg was folded in front of him on the bed and he grabbed Edward's ankle, pulling his leg straight and shifting so the foot rested in his lap but Edward jerked his foot away and bent his leg up,

"What are you doing?" he asked with a frown.

Alphonse sighed quietly and frowned as well,

"I was just going to massage your foot." He hated that his voice strained when he said it.

Alphonse was getting tired of being pushed, pulled and confused emotionally by Edward's volatility.

"You don't have to do that, its fine." he kept his right leg bent up.

Alphonse stared at him for a moment –Edward wasn't looking at him but instead he was fiddling with the drawstring of his sweat pants- he felt really tired all of a sudden, his neediness for attention and physical contact was just becoming too painful.

Edward didn't know, but Alphonse wanted to cry almost all the time.

He just couldn't do it anymore, he couldn't try so hard anymore. For the past two days he'd been trying, he'd been pleasant and hadn't mentioned what he wanted even once and Edward had been distant and almost standoffish whenever he came too close to him during the day, much like he was right then.

' _He was partially drunk that night when he said those things on the couch…sure he meant them but as long as he's not drunk he'll never be as bold about his feelings, things haven't changed much.'_ He thought bitterly and stood up off the bed, he supposed he could do nothing but wait for something from Edward that may well never happen.

"I'm going to lay down." He mumbled as he walked toward the door.

"In your room?" Edward asked, sounding confused.

"Yes." Alphonse said dully and reached for the handle.

"Why?"

' _Here we go again.'_  Alphonse frowned as an ache of anxiety stirred in his stomach, Edward's endless emotional game of back and forth, up and down, hot and cold never failed to make his insides shake.

Alphonse sighed loudly and turned around to look at his older brother, Edward was reclining with his leg still bent up and his hands resting on his stomach, his golden eyes regarded Alphonse questioningly as if he hadn't been acting like a complete asshole just a moment earlier.

Alphonse could think of only one thing to say,

"…because it'll make you feel better." His voice was strained again.

Edward frowned,

"What the hell does that mean?"

Alphonse just didn't have the energy to argue anymore, he didn't have the strength to repeat himself and tell Edward again how obviously unhappy he was and how clear it was that he didn't want to be close to him, not in the way Alphonse wanted.

"Forget it, Edward." He turned the handle down and Edward sighed irritably,

"Is this about sex, Alphonse?"

The younger blonde clenched his teeth and his hand around the door handle, Edward's tone of voice was insultingly exasperated as he asked that question, he turned around again,

"I get it okay…" Alphonse said softly, "…I'm trying not to bother you about it, I know it's pathetic." He rasped and half glared at Edward.

The older blonde's irritation eased but didn't leave his face completely when he looked at Alphonse's insecure expression and he sat up, bringing his legs off the bed,

"It's not pathetic, it's just…" Edward sighed and shook his head, "…it just seems like it's  **all**  you fucking think about. Is that all you wanted to get out of this Alphonse, you just want sex?" his voice pitched higher at his last words, he was frustrated as well.

Alphonse had faced that question before, it had been in his own thoughts not too long ago when he'd wondered whether sex was all he wanted from Edward…but he'd worked it out then and he knew the answer,

"Edward…" his voice was shaken but he couldn't help it, "… if we were like any normal couple, how important would sex be to you? If you were with Winry…" he went where he knew it hurt both of them and he saw Edward frown, "…how would you feel if she avoided being intimate with you in a relationship?" he didn't wait for an answer and just shook his head, he hadn't even raised his voice, "The problem is that we see each other differently, to me you're far more than a brother and to you…I'm still mostly a brother. We're still not on the same page…" his voice hitched slightly as his emotions welled up, he quickly opened the door and stepped out.

"That's not entirely true, Alphonse." Edward said firmly.

The younger blonde half rolled his wet eyes,

"Just let it go." He said loudly and shut the door behind him, fed up with the insecurity and content to cry about it alone in his room.

"Alphonse, come back here, now." Edward said loudly in his 'no bullshit' tone of voice.

The younger blonde stopped in the hall and was very tempted to tell Edward to 'fuck off' but the part of him that grew up listening to and respecting his older brother made him grudgingly turn around to re-open the door and look inside,

"Yes, Edward?" he asked in a monotone voice and looked at the older blonde sitting exactly as he was a moment ago.

Edward stared at him and then sighed,

"Sex with you isn't going to be like it was with other people for me, my emotional attachment to you is a far cry from any sort I've had in relationships, Alphonse. So for whatever reason I guess it's easier for you to just want to do it for the sake of doing it…" he pulled open the drawer of his nightstand roughly, clearly annoyed, "…but I have been thinking about it and I suppose if you'd rather state when you want to have sex rather than letting it happen normally I won't go against you." He finished and Alphonse watched as he reached into the drawer and pulled out a black tube.

Edward placed the lubricant –which had previously been in the bathroom cabinet- on the night stand and looked at Alphonse expectantly.

' _I am such a fucking_ _ **idiot**_ _.'_  Alphonse thought, weak with overused emotion and immediately feeling like utter shit about his incessant neediness. He heaved a sigh and pushed Edward's door open so he could step inside again and he closed it before leaning against it and sinking to the ground in a crouch, he felt exhausted and his legs were starting to shake,

"I'm sorry…" he mumbled in a strained tone, "…I know it's probably really off putting but I can't help that I think about it all the time, Edward." He gave his useless excuses staring at his bent knees, his anger teetering just below the surface as he held his tongue and didn't tell Edward how tiring it was dealing with his unclear feelings and unpredictable temperament.

"It's  **not**  off putting and I guess when I look at it from your perspective its actually sort of normal so…" he paused and Alphonse looked at him with wet eyes and a light frown from where he sat at the door, "…are you coming?" Edward gestured to the bed.

Alphonse blinked a few times in disbelief of the older blonde's bored tone of voice and closed his eyes, he shook his head once before fixing Edward with a glare,

"Are you fucking serious?" he asked quietly, anger surfacing steadily.

Edward visibly clenched his jaw before he glared right back,

"Alphonse, you wanted to have sex, right?" he snapped and gestured to the bed again.

Alphonse clenched his teeth and grunted,

"I  **don't**  want it to be like this, I don't want you to treat it like a chore!" he shouted and stood up quickly, slamming his fists against the bedroom door behind him, "You make it seem so…so  **ugly** and so  **awful**  that I want to be close to you as badly as I do, you're such an asshole!" this time when he opened the door he didn't hesitate to walk out and slam it behind him and…Edward didn't call after him.

Alphonse walked straight to the main door and pulled the coat closet open, grabbing his coat and pulling it on before stepping into his shoes, he honestly didn't care where he was going, he just didn't need to be around Edward right then.

When he walked out he made sure he slammed the door as hard as he could.

* * *

Alphonse had ended up at the library because he really had nothing else to do and didn't have enough Cenz on him for anything entertaining, so he spent the afternoon reading fictional books and got through three books, two horror stories and one crime mystery, before it was starting to get dark outside. He still had a relatively long walk back to the apartment so he didn't wait until closing time to leave.

He left the library and walked through Central's relatively busy early evening streets somberly, feeling tired, depressed and worried. He'd been fuming when he'd left the apartment but the brisk walk to the library had taken most of the edge off since he wasn't an angry person by nature, still, he couldn't remember the last time he'd wanted to hit Edward in the face that badly. Right then though, all he was dreading was returning home to Edward and facing the situation he'd left that early afternoon. Edward was probably seething after his door slamming exit…and for the fact that he'd called him an asshole.

Edward hated when he swore but often let it slide…he was quite sure that swearing Edward directly would not be met with the same lenience.

They'd probably argue and maybe they'd fight…and this time with no one to intervene it might even get violent considering how high strung they both were and had been for a while. They hadn't fought physically since they'd been kids and didn't know any better. Sure, there had been a few times after his full recovery when he and Edward had argued pretty harshly and some of the time they'd end up shoving or grappling until Winry or Pinako stepped in…but they'd never hit each other.

Edward would never raise a malicious hand to him and he felt the same way, even if the temptation was strong sometimes.

He sighed, he intended to avoid that outcome if he could help it…he already knew he had to apologize for swearing Edward. But nothing else, Edward's callous behavior was no better than his own insecure behavior, they were both at fault. He intended to argue his point.

Despite having known from the beginning it wouldn't be easy it still seemed unfair that it had to be so hard. Alphonse knew he should just accept it as it was, this was what he wanted and so he had to suffer for it.

Incest was complicated and he just knew his life was only going to get harder.

He'd never expected to get as far as he had in the first place and with his head a little clearer he knew he had to be as patient as was necessary, Edward had put up with a lot of shit from him and in turn he would try harder to deal with Edward's mood swings and inconsistencies. It was all about compromise.

With that in mind he reached the apartment block just about an hour later, aware that it was probably almost eight pm and Edward would most likely be even angrier because he hadn't even said where he was going and was getting back so late. He walked into the warm apartment building and shook himself, it was still snowing lightly but he didn't let it bother him despite his face and neck burning from being exposed to the cold, he was too distracted.

He reached the apartment shortly and walked inside, routinely locking the door, removing his coat and shoes before walking into the lounge where a steady fire was burning. He had expected to see Edward waiting for him but the lounge was empty, he walked over and sat on the floor in front of the hearth. He leaned back against the coffee table and soaked up the warmth with a sniffle, touching his ice cold cheeks with equally cold fingers.

He was on edge, expecting Edward to come and find him so they could argue about him leaving so abruptly but after ten minutes of sitting and warming up sufficiently he was still uninterrupted. Alphonse got up from the floor and walked into the dark hall quietly, doing as he did earlier he glanced into the lit kitchen and bathroom looking for Edward as he passed but both rooms were empty…so he walked to Ed's closed bedroom door –sighing with relief when it occurred to him that the older blonde might have fallen asleep- before he entered.

He stopped in the doorway when his eyes fell on Edward, awake and sitting on his bed side with his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands, his bedroom light was on and his curtains drawn closed. Alphonse felt concern well up inside of him but he said nothing and Edward slowly dropped his hands and raised his head, he looked tired and worried,

"Where were you?" he asked plainly, voice low.

Alphonse steeled himself quickly expecting this argument,

"I was at the library." He said defensively, tone clipped as he braced himself for the yelling to start.

Edward frowned tiredly,

"Alphonse, please…stop fighting with me already." Edward said with an exhausted breath and sniffed.

He hadn't been expecting that and it took his defenses down several notches,

"I'm not fighting with you…" Alphonse said levelly although he was certain they had been fighting, "…we're just having a disagreement, that's all." He said firmly, thrown off since he'd been expecting to get chewed out by the older blonde.

Edward shook his head and stood up slowly, he pushed his bangs behind his ear and his hand looked a little unsteady,

"You know I hate it when you're angry at me, at this rate I won't be able to sleep tonight." He griped, "It's as bad as when you're unhappy, it fucks with my head." His voice was a little firmer.

Alphonse folded his arms across his chest where he stood in the doorway, glad they weren't fighting but not willing to back down since he wasn't the only one at fault,  
"I can't adjust my mood to suit you and I definitely can't make you stop acting like a jerk." He maintained eye contact, not using the word asshole again in case he actually did piss Edward off.

Edward made a face before his expression softened and he nodded stiffly,

"Alright,  **fine**. I was being a jerk but you're putting a lot of pressure on me about all this you know." He admitted with a frown.

"It's not intentional." Alphonse said quickly.

Edward gave in very quickly to placate Alphonse,

"Yeah okay, I know, I'm sorry Al. I'm sorry for how I acted." he grumbled.

It felt like so long ago they'd had such a calm disagreement, Alphonse was relieved they weren't yelling.

They stared at each other and Alphonse sighed and nodded,

"Yeah okay, I'm sorry too…for swearing you…" he pursed his lips because he'd nearly ended that sentence with 'brother' which would have created an entirely new problem.

He blinked in confusion when Edward approached him and was pleasantly stunned to be taken into a firm hug that made him feel the need to cry almost immediately. Edward's one arm was around his torso, the other around his shoulders with a hand on the back of his head. He was pulled close, flush against Edward and the older blonde's face was pressed into his neck while Alphonse's mouth was pressed into Ed's shoulder.

He frowned slowly as his eyes burned with tears, he wrapped his arms around Edward and held him tight.

He hadn't been hugged like that since that first night Edward came back to Rizembool from Creta and had hugged him in the den, before the older blonde knew anything about Alphonse's affliction, he'd hugged him as his brother… and Alphonse missed it, it was a hug that made him feel safe, loved and reassured him that Edward would never leave him.

' _Brother…'_  he smiled against Edward's shoulder.

When Edward loosened his hold his hands slipped down Alphonse's back and settled on his waist and while Alphonse was hyper aware of it the older blonde seemed oblivious to it but stressed out by something,

"When you walked out of the apartment earlier I felt really nervous, I was so worried Al, I kept thinking that you might not come back and the last thing we did was fight and I  **hate**  that Alphonse, I don't want you to ever do that again, please. Don't fight with me and then run off…" He said quietly with a hurt frown on his face, "It just reminds me that I am an asshole, an  **ungrateful**  asshole. I wasn't even able to hug you just a few years ago and already I'm taking it for granted and I'm so sorry." His face softened and his words were soft and sincere.

Alphonse hated that while Edward was confessing heart felt emotions to him they were affecting him in a completely different way than they should be, he was no longer able to differentiate between his brotherly and romantic feelings for Edward.

He didn't act on his urge to kiss Edward, he didn't want to ruin the moment…however the older blonde seemed to know what he was thinking like he had many a time before and he smiled softly,

"It's okay, Alphonse…" Edward said quietly and leaned in, kissing the younger blonde lightly on his lips.

Alphonse was putty in an instant, his eyes closing right as he pressed forward into the kiss and clenched his fingers into the shirt Edward wore where his hands rested at his sides. It was funny how the moment Edward was kissing him everything he worried about or was angry about seemed much less important.

The kisses were light at first, faintly moist, touching and parting but arousing all the same and Alphonse mumbled an apology against Edward's lips somewhere in between them.

After one last kiss they parted and Alphonse opened his eyes to find Edward looking at him with half lidded eyes, thoughtfully…

…right before he leaned in, eyes closing and he kissed Alphonse again, slightly more demanding and more purposeful, Alphonse could feel the difference and parted his lips for his older brother's wet tongue, closing his eyes as well.

There was a purpose to Edward's movements as they kissed and it wasn't until after the older blonde had, shut the door, turned them around, started to walk them backwards and his hands slipped under Alphonse's shirt to push it up, that the younger blonde realized –with overwhelming euphoric excitement- that he was being taken to bed.

Alphonse raised his arms and they broke the kiss for a moment so his shirt came over his head easily, the younger blonde kissed Edward again quickly while his own hands immediately went to the hem of the older blonde's loose T shirt, he didn't want to fall behind, he still had every intention of making sex good for his older brother.

Again they parted and Edward's shirt was tossed aside as they stopped at the side of the bed, Alphonse didn't wait to touch or kiss. Again he kissed Edward, their tongues wetly crossing each other's lips as Alphonse pulled the drawstring of Ed's track pants loose and this time no hands reached to stop him.

The younger blonde took a moment to press his hand to Edward's groin over his pants –needing to know for sure- and when he felt the semi hardness his body flushed hot with need. It was true then, it wasn't because of lowered inhibitions and alcohol, Edward  **did**  want him. Alphonse started to push the sweat pants down while having his mouth ravished, he was careful to lift the elastic over Edward's crotch before he let the pants drop to the older blonde's ankles on its own. He didn't want to leave Edward's mouth, whatever his tongue was doing felt too good, he felt Edward undoing his own pants with steady hands –he trembled with need- and the formal pants slipped off his hips unrestricted…

Their breathing was loud and harsh through their noses and occasionally from their mouths when they parted from kissing, Alphonse tried to keep up with everything happening, he was trying to commit it to memory desperately. The way Edward's hot hands felt on his bare waist and the feeling of their bare stomachs and chests touching as he pulled Edward closer eagerly. He'd never stop appreciating the hard muscles of his older brother's sculpted body against his own.

Edward drew back from their latest kiss and his lips pressed to Alphonse's chin sweetly, his breaths heavy against the younger blonde's skin,

"Lay down." He said quietly.

Alphonse did as told, he sat back on the bed behind him and wiggled his socked feet out of his pants, Edward watched him as he pulled his socks off quickly and dropped them on the floor before he moved onto the bed and laid down horizontally on his back, shivering with excitement.

His mind was racing and his emotions fluctuating between anticipation and nervousness as he watched Edward get onto the bed and lay down next to him close, he placed his hand on Alphonse's bare stomach, his thumb dipping into his navel ticklishly and the younger blonde shivered pleasantly at the touch while looking up at Edward.

Edward didn't seem interested in talking and Alphonse's body bloomed with fresh arousal when the hand on his stomach slid to the side and gripped his hip, Ed turned him onto his side facing the older blonde with a firm hand, at the same time his leg slid up between Alphonse's legs and his bare thigh pressed between Al's legs as he kissed him, the firm muscled thigh pressuring Al's scrotum lightly through his boxers.

It was many sensations at once and he moaned quietly into Ed's mouth appreciatively, not willing to be useless, he slipped his hand down between them and raised his leg higher so it was almost on Ed's hip. He ran his hand over Ed's firm abdomen and slipped it straight beneath the hem of his boxers, Al's fingers found the hard flesh of his erection easily and he gently finger massaged it a few times before gripping it fully in his palm–Edward made a low noise into his mouth- Alphonse tightened his leg around the older blonde's hip and moved to lie on his back… successfully pulling Edward to lay partially on top of him.

He was proud of himself for making the older blonde's breath hitch and earning himself teeth raking over his bottom lip sexily, Edward throbbed in his hand and he reacted similarly inside his boxers, aroused deeply by every inch of Edward above him and in his hand.

Edward kissed his neck slowly, sucking lightly and no doubt remarking him. Alphonse licked his lips as his desire spiked, he used both hands to push the older blonde's shorts down over his waist and buttocks, seeking bare flesh against his own desperately.

Edward leaned up on his one arm and stopped kissing Alphonse long enough his push his boxers down and kick them off his legs and the bed. Once he was naked he sat up and Alphonse raised his hips so his own boxers were easily slipped off his waist when Edward reached for them.

' _This is so much better…'_  Alphonse appreciated the non-forced actions, not having to ask to be touched and the sound of Edward's uneven breathing as he laid above him, between Alphonse's legs now, skin against skin.

They kissed again, slowly and wetly and Edward moved his hips deliberately so their erections rubbed together. Alphonse felt a little high and he readily made noises as his body reacted with sharp arousal to every place their naked skin touched and to the sensation of soft friction between them, one of Edward's hands slid over Alphonse's muscled thigh in a firm caress that made the younger blonde's stomach flutter.

It was nothing like the first time…it was a million times better.

Edward rocked his hips steadily for a while and cursed softly against Alphonse's lips which made Al smile, Edward's bangs were tickling his face lightly and the younger blonde was having trouble keeping his breathing steady. He slid his hands down Edward's back to hold his waist and gain some leverage in order to rock upwards so the friction was firmer between them.

It felt really good, hot and wet and he let Edward know with a quiet moan as he kissed his jaw and the front of his neck while moving his hips upward.

Edward stopped rocking his hips and he kissed Alphonse's wandering lips once more before he patted his thigh and the younger blonde understood the gesture, he loosened his shaking legs from his older brother's waist. He titled his head to the side as Edward reached over to the nightstand, pulling the drawer open and looking for what they both knew was there.

He pulled the lubricant out after two grabs before he leaned back, kneeling between Al's spread legs…just like the last time Alphonse's body was frenzied with feelings and arousal careening through him when Edward had applied lube to his fingers and was rubbing them firmly against his anus.

Alphonse bit his lip and moaned as his erection throbbed and wept against his stomach, he doubted he'd ever get used to the overwhelming arousal he felt at the sensation of Edward's fingers touching him there…he loved it. He had his legs parted wide to accommodate the action and he looked down to watch the older blonde's face, he blushed when saw Edward's concentrated lightly flush face watching what his fingers were doing.

"Ah Edward!" Alphonse breathed loudly when Edward's finger pressed into him slowly, very slowly, unlike the last time and his body trembled with arousal. He felt relaxed –and vulnerable- but Edward still went slowly with his single finger, until it was all the way in and then he pulled it out slowly. He leaned over Alphonse as he repeated the action while kissing his stomach and chest lightly, willing him to relax.

The younger blonde closed his eyes and breathed shakily, trying to keep his shaking legs elevated as he ran his hands through Edward's bangs inward to the thick base of his loose braid, shivering all the while at the intimate sensation of having Ed fingering him gently while kissing his body soothingly.

He moaned when his nipple was clipped lightly between his older brother's teeth and his hips snapped upwards, another noise leaving his throat loudly when Edward pressed his finger up firmly as he moved it in and out and suckled on his nipple.

"Fuuuck." Alphonse couldn't help cussing as his eyebrows drew together and his breaths quickened, he felt intense pleasure rushing to his erection and his body was extremely hot and tense as Edward continued to rub him just right inside, Al's toes curled at the feeling and his throat formed a stream of nonsensical –noisy- sounds. It was no good…at that rate he'd be done too quickly and he didn't want that.

But Edward knew what he was doing and right when he stopped pressuring that intensely pleasurable spot inside him, he inserted a second finger and it went in smoothly. Alphonse felt himself stretch slightly but it hardly hurt, he was still swallowing air, sweating and trembling from the lingering pleasure permeating from within him, making him so hard it hurt in the best way.

"Edward…" he said breathily and blinked his eyes a few times as he focused on the older blonde who was at eye level with him again...his fingers working deftly between them.

Alphonse leaned up and kissed Edward's shoulder before licking his lips with a soft 'hmm' sound, remembering fondly the taste of Ed's sweat, he kissed many more times over what he could reach of the older blonde's chest and his firm bicep beside Alphonse's head.

The fingers moving slowly in and out of him were less distracting than Edward's breathing against his neck in between kisses but Alphonse clenched his fingers into the hair at the base of Ed's braid when a third finger entered him and caused mild discomfort, he groaned.

Edward pulled back to look down at him,

"Does it hurt?" it was the first time he'd spoken since they'd started and his voice was low and husky.

It made Alphonse shiver and he shook his head,

"Its fine, hurts less…" he swallowed and shivered again when Edward's thumb brushed his ear lightly, "…less than last time." He finished breathily.

Edward nodded and licked his faintly red lips, looking over Alphonse and the younger blonde did the same, taking in the light sheen of sweat, the flush on Edward's face barely noticeable but his hot skin gave it away, his breath was also hot and he smelled good…musky and natural.

The perfect combination of sex, skin and Edward.

Edward stretched his three fingers inside his rectum and Alphonse's mouth fell open at the tension it caused, smarting just slightly. His focus was drawn back to Edward however as the older blonde leaned down and licked at his open mouth, teeth nipping at Al's tongue briefly – a strange but entirely sexually driven action that Alphonse liked- before frowning as if upset with himself and swearing under his breath,

"…Alphonse, sorry…"

"What's wrong?" he asked weakly and he winced when he felt Edward's fingers leave his body.

Edward sat up, kneeling between his legs again as he let out a shaken breath, shaking his head as he squeezed lube into his hand again, spread it and reinserted his three fingers with a smooth push,

"Nothing." He said quietly.

Alphonse was only briefly distracted by the stretching sensation before he focused back on Edward and frowned, he suspected –considering the timing of the apology- that Edward felt guilty for that strange quirk he'd revealed just a moment ago.

Alphonse had already assumed that the sexual side of Edward was probably vastly different from his usual self but as much as he wanted to find out just what made the older blonde tick, he wouldn't force the issue.

Edward's fingers left his body again and Alphonse pushed himself to sit up quickly so he could take the lube from Ed and squeeze a generous amount of lube into his palm. He looked into Edward's half lidded eyes and saw no resistance, so he took hold of the older blonde's stiff erection and lathered it with the gel, slow and firm from base to tip. Alphonse enjoyed the small hitches in Edward's breath for his movements and he started to stroke slightly faster, getting aroused by the sight of Ed's eyes nearly closing as he did so.

Edward licked his lips,

"Not too much…it needs to be wet." He said in the same sexy husk he had spoken with earlier and Alphonse nodded, glancing to his hand when Edward held it –palm upturned- and squeezed more lube into it.

He knew what the older blonde wanted and he tingled with delight as he lathered the fresh lube over Edward's throbbing cock…as he'd indirectly instructed while Edward's hands firmly massaged Al's calves and thighs either side of him making him shiver.

' _He wants me to touch him…'_  Alphonse gave Edward's erection one final slick squeeze before he was gently pushed to lie back down.

Both he and Edward wiped their hands on the sheets and then Edward lay between Alphonse's legs, and he sniffed lightly –revealing to the younger that something emotional was going on with him- but Alphonse didn't ask because it was not the time and instead focused on wrapping his legs around Edward's waist.

Waiting for it…for the connection, for the depth…for the feeling of being stretched and taking Edward in.

Edward kissed him first –open mouth kisses but with very little tongue- stirring up more emotions in Alphonse at the sensation of the tempting but mostly sweet kisses. After a minute the older blonde reached between them and Alphonse tingled with arousal and shuddered at the feeling of smooth, slick skin pressuring against his prepared ring of muscle. Much like the first time, it took only a few seconds of slow pressure before Al's sphincter gave and Edward's erection slipped more than half way in easily.

Alphonse moaned loudly at the sudden sensation despite the ache that accompanied it and he pulled Edward's hair lightly since his hand had found its way to the base of his braid again. Edward didn't even notice, he was exhaling shakily as he pressed kisses to Alphonse's quivering lips, both of them sweating lightly and breathing heavily.

After a few stationary seconds Ed pressed forward again so he was full inside and Alphonse tensed at the filling pressure but was secretly pleased with how easily he took Edward in completely, quicker and with less pain than the last time…like the book said, eventually he'd get used to it.

He raised and spread his shaking legs wider, his arms encircling Edward's neck as got caught up in the older blonde's tongue slipping into his mouth distractingly before he started to thrust.

He pulled out far and then pressed back in, upward and Alphonse was once again left breathless at how overwhelming the pleasure was and how Edward seemed to know exactly how to make it happen. He knew how the prostate worked but he'd never imagined it being stimulated would make him weak, incoherent and damn near drooling with pleasure.

This time around Edward was thrusting intentionally to rub against it right from the start and Alphonse had very little time to adjust before he was moaning loudly and writhing beneath his older brother desperately.

Edward's skin slapped against his in a steady audible rhythm that only added to Alphonse's arousal and he hung onto every kiss he was given between his loud moans.

There was some pain to the pleasure but it wasn't a bad thing, if anything it enhanced the sexual pleasure and reminded him with every inward thrust that Edward was reaching deep inside him.

The room and sounds eventually blurred together as the well angled thrusts had Alphonse struggling to breathe and moan as he clutched to Edward's sweaty back with blunt nails, writhing beneath the firm body of his older brother who was thrusting faster, harder and at certain points erratically into him, breathing shallowly, moaning quietly, kissing him and biting his lips and neck almost desperately as their bodies keened with pleasure.

Alphonse could feel his orgasm growing hot and tight at the base of his cock rubbing between them.

Edward moaned against his mouth, eyes screwed shut as he thrust hard several times, punctuated by quiet grunts and loud skin slaps which made the younger blonde wince slightly. Still Alphonse moaned loud 'aah's', in time with the pressured rubbing against his prostate and hearing Edward moan made it even better.

Alphonse could hardly keep his eyes open as the pleasure crawled beneath his skin warmly and Edward was having the same trouble, but Al did open his eyes as Ed slowed his thrusts. Alphonse's insides spasmed and tensed at the sensation of the sudden change of pace and he breathed out shakily, absently kissing Edward's lips and inhaling his breaths as the older blonde spoke to him,

"Alph-onse…" Edward breathed against his mouth, "…jerk your-self off." He instructed breathlessly as he moved slowly in and out slowly.

Alphonse blinked dazedly, once again he'd completely forgotten he could do that and he nodded weakly, sliding his hand between them and taking his wet erection into his hot damp palm, it felt so good he breathed out shakily and tightened around Edward inside of him making the older blonde rake his teeth over Al's ear lobe which hurt just a bit. Alphonse winced but focused on slowly jerking himself off, breathing shallowly as Edward adjusted his weight above him so he was leaning on both forearms either side of Alphonse's head and he seemed steadier.

What followed a kiss to Al's lips was a blur of pleasure, Edward had repositioned himself so he could thrust more smoothly and the sting of pain every time he thrust inward and their skin slapped together was outweighed entirely by the perfectly consistent pressure from Edward's cock over his prostate. Alphonse forgot to check the volume of his moans, he palmed his erection roughly and erratically between their bodies with one hand and clung to the blanket beneath him with the other, unable to kiss Edward back because he couldn't close his mouth as his body was drilled with wave after wave of pleasure.

When he climaxed it was a painfully sweet relief to his body, every muscle in his body tensed and his hips rose off the bed, his legs tightened around Edward's waist firmly as he trembled with pleasure, exhaling harshly and loudly, hand squeezing his erection through a final few strokes while his insides shook and warmed, tingling and pleasurably numb.

Edward's movements didn't stop, they only slowed and this time Alphonse allowed the older blonde's body above him to add to his orgasmic pleasure, he kissed Edward's neck desperately and tasted his sweat, he acknowledged the added sensation of Edward's cock moving inside his sensitive spasming rectum and was rewarded with another wave of pleasure numbing his shaking legs.

He heard Edward groan right against his ear as he moved slowly in and out, his next words gave Alphonse an emotional sort of pleasure to go with his beautiful orgasm,

"…you feel so good…" Edward moaned huskily into his ear.

Alphonse smiled slightly, elated by those words but very weak with lingering pleasure as his insides were slowly relaxing…at this point Edward's thrusts started to speed up again, slowly at first but quickly increasing.

Alphonse felt a hand grip him behind his knee to spread his weak shaking legs higher, he mustered enough strength to raise his legs somewhat to accommodate Edward's thrusts, he wanted the older blonde to finish inside of him and he wanted to be aware of it that time.

Edward moaned lowly again into his ear as he thrust without rhythm and purely for the sensation of whatever pleasure it caused him. Alphonse encouraged him, breathing out that he loved him before moaning quietly after a sensitive thrust and saying in a shaken voice how good Edward felt inside him, then he kissed the older blonde's ear -since they were cheek to cheek- and sucked lightly on Ed's earlobe afterward, ignoring the mild pain he felt as Edward's thrusts became much harder.

It wasn't long and this time Alphonse recognized the build up from the last time, when Ed's thrusts reached its most erratic point and started to get painfully hard Al knew Edward was about to come and when the older blonde shuddered above him he was aware of it and was aroused by it. He couldn't feel Edward coming inside of him but knowing it was happening was all he needed to shiver from his head to his toes in ecstasy beneath the older man.

The smooth half way in and half way out thrusts that followed the shudder of the older blonde told Al he was right and he tensed himself around Edward purposely, curiously…and was rewarded with a moan and a hitch in Edward's breath against his ear.

Alphonse grinned euphorically as Edward's movements slowed and he eventually stilled after pressing himself deep inside of the younger blonde with a quiet groaning sigh against Al's neck.

' _Perfect…'_  Alphonse's insides were fluttering pleasantly, he kissed Edward's ear again and shivered when the older blonde laid his hot body flush atop him, relaxing his weight and breathing heavily against Alphonse's neck. Al ran his hand over Edward's almost completely unraveled braid before smoothing his hands down Edward's back and sides soothingly while he inhaled the smell of sex and sweat on his older brother's skin.

Committing it to memory.

They lay that way for a while as Edward's breathing evened out and Alphonse's had as well, his shaking legs had slipped from Edward's waist and his eyes had slid closed but he re-opened them when the older blonde spoke against his neck,

"Are you okay?" he asked quietly.

Alphonse smiled,

"Yes, definitely…are you?" he asked in a hushed voice as well.

He felt Edward lick his lips and shivered again,

"Yeah…" he mumbled.

Slowly Edward got up and leaned over him on his forearms again, his face lightly sweaty, hair clinging to forehead and cheeks and his lips moist and pink, he looked over Alphonse and the younger blonde knew he was double checking if he was okay.

Alphonse smiled for him, genuinely and happy to reassure him,  
"That was better than last time." He said quietly to Edward and the older blonde frowned awkwardly and licked his lips again before he smiled slightly.

Alphonse closed his eyes for the slightly wet kiss Edward placed on his lips before the older blonde drew back and pushed himself to the side to lay down.

But this time he lay on his back and didn't face away from Alphonse and the younger blonde felt relieved, he rolled onto his side and in the small bed that movement brought him close enough to place a kiss to Edward's warm chest and then lay his head on the older man's arm and hold his waist, warm skin to warm skin.

With a loving smile Alphonse noted the cool metal of Edward's automail against his leg and he pressed the bottom of his warm foot to the top of Ed's metal foot, he knew full well Edward couldn't feel sensation but he could feel resistance, he pressed his foot downward so the older blonde would know he was touching his automail. He looked at Edward's face afterward, his eyes were closed but he smiled just slightly and Alphonse did too when the metal foot under his own shifted up against his. It was a minor acknowledgment but the younger blonde wanted Edward to know he loved every part of him.

Every single part.

Alphonse hadn't even noticed the bedroom light was on and it didn't bother him one bit, he also didn't feel as strange about the sensation of Edward's semen leaving his body as he did the last time.

There was definitely something different about natural sex that could not be imitated or forced and he was so happy it wouldn't be that way between them in the future.

He was almost asleep a while later when Edward roused and mumbled that they should get under the blankets and so they did, Edward got up and switched the light off while Al shifted around until he was covered and Edward joined him. They laid chest to chest because Alphonse wanted to, so he could kiss Edward's neck and inhale the scent of his skin while he held him close, the older blonde's skin was so hot.

He didn't stay awake for very long, Alphonse fell asleep with a smile on his face.

Right at the moment, everything seemed perfect.


	20. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sub Disclaimer: Subtitle Lyrics I do not own. They belong to Framing Hanley

 

_Conscience is a faint, unpleasent sound,_

_You've worried enough, here's your chance so take it_

* * *

**February 20th**

* * *

**Weeks later**

Alphonse walked through the busy halls of Central State University, he was having a relatively bad morning and was hoping that getting to his first lecture would at least go off without a hitch.

He glanced at the campus map again, he'd highlighted the blocks and buildings in which his specific lectures were the day before, trying to be organized but he was still having trouble navigating the massive grounds.

He knew it was because he wasn't completely focused on finding his way around the labyrinth of the campus through the mass of casually winter dressed students rushing around.

No, he was too focused on the fact that Edward had been behaving like a complete asshole that morning after CookieBoots had slipped into his room and scratched up one of his books. It was Alphonse's fault so to a certain extent he understood the mood Edward had been in with him, he'd gone in to borrow a black formal shirt from Ed's wardrobe for his first day and hadn't closed the door behind himself on his way out.

Which resulted in the disaster CookieBoots caused twenty minutes later.

He sighed and huddled into his coat, the weather was still really cold but in another few weeks it would start to warm up and he was looking forward to it. It was almost the end of February and spring would be bringing some reasonable warmth to Central in its first weeks when it finally arrived.

He turned a corner and walked up the steps, he glanced at the map again as he brushed passed other people.

He gathered he was in the right place and he glanced around when he reached the top of the stairs and walked left, looking ahead of him he saw two doors that were swinging after the people walking into the lecture hall.

He walked over and read the placard next to the door to confirm it was the correct professor and lecture before he nodded to himself and pushed one of the swinging doors open before walked into the large lecture hall.

Stairs descended down to the front of the class and rows of desks were aligned and descending downward and along the large room either side of the stairs. He felt a little excited, taking in the new experience with a small smile, it was noisy and full of other young people all talking and getting out their writing materials, settling in to seats wherever they could find one.

' _This is great.'_  He grinned inwardly.

It was something to smile about, he hadn't been feeling great recently and this was a nice change of pace.

He walked down the stairs so he could find a seat nearer to the front of the class, he didn't want to be far away enough to be distracted by thoughts about his older brother, who had been in a generally bad mood for the last two weeks, aside from what had happened that morning.

' _That book could easily be fixed with alchemy. I know he knows the text off by heart, he has eidetic memory…it wouldn't have taken a minute for him to reconstruct it.'_  He shook his head subtly, thinking that Edward was just being a jerk as usual.

Alphonse could only assume it had to do with the fact that in another week Edward would have to start working on sight for the building project and before that time his design would be assessed by Mustang and other military brass…

…then again he knew it could just be that Edward hated long term work and that's exactly what he'd signed up for…because of Alphonse.

He walked into one of the lower rows of desks, mumbling 'excuse me's' as he passed behind other students to reach an open seat near the wall. When he finally made it to the vacant seat he sat down and placed his newly bought black leather satchel on the desk, opening the straps to take out his note pad and a pen.

Everything had been making him feel like shit the last few weeks, especially the finance side of things , the guilt of Edward giving him money for his tuition had been bad enough but then when February came the older blonde handed him more money and told him to buy whatever supplies he needed for University.

It was ridiculous because the amount of money Edward gave him far exceeded what he'd need for supplies, he felt like a charity case or a child getting and allowance, even if it was his own brother. And the older blonde didn't do anything to make him feel bad about it, Edward parted with large amounts of Cenz without even blinking…at least when it came to him.

Still, knowing Edward was doing a job he didn't want to be doing sort of rubbed in the fact that he was doing it all for Alphonse and the younger blonde was doing nothing to contribute. Then there were other factors making it all worse, he blushed slightly as he placed his satchel on the floor beside his seat, thinking of the other reason he was upset…

It had been over two weeks since the last time he and Edward had slept together and it was starting to look like unless he asked for sex, he wasn't going to get it. The older blonde had been pretty easy going about sex since their second time together over a month ago –which was still a night Alphonse often thought about. They'd eased into it at first, every other day but eventually they had been having sex almost every second night in the first month –and Alphonse had been so happy- and then for no apparent reason it started to lessen.

Edward started to get moody about it.

Until the recent two weeks in which Edward had been so temperamental that Alphonse was too nervous about starting anything once they got into bed and the older blonde didn't seem to mind the lack of intimacy in the least.

Alphonse minded though, not so much about the decrease in sex –although it wasn't great- but more for the fact that Edward seemed to be pulling away from him all over again.

He sighed and ran his fingers through his short fringe, glancing around the busy lecture hall at all the students, so many faces and voices, he liked it.

It was better than the quiet apartment and Edward's recent disinterest in talking about absolutely anything.

"Excuse me…sorry…sorry…thanks…excuse me…"

Alphonse glanced up at the nervous laughter in between the string of words, he looked along the row he sat in and saw a girl trying to get to the only available seat in the row, the one beside him where he sat next to the wall. When she finally got by everyone Alphonse smiled and courteously pulled the chair out for her and she beamed at him, her dark black long hair falling over her shoulders as she leaned down to place her bag on the floor,

"Thank you so much." She said sincerely and sat down with a huff in the seat, she'd obviously rushed to the lecture.

"You're welcome." He said politely and watched her fuss, she picked up her bag and pulled it open while the entire room settled down –the lecture was about to start- she was trying to find her stationary.

After some clattering of her bag contents onto the desk and soft non vulgar curses under her breath she had a crumpled note pad and blunt pencil out on the desk and was brushing her long black hair back from her face as the professor greeted the class.

Alphonse leaned with his elbows on the desk as the professor started talking, but he smiled at her when she looked at him smiling sheepishly. She was very pretty, she had dark green eyes to go with her dark black hair and she was fair skinned with sharp features and a bright smile,

"Thanks again…" she said quietly before she glanced at the lecturer to see if he was paying attention to her, then she looked back to him and extended a gloved hand, "…I'm…oh…" she frowned at her hand and snatched it back and pulled off her glove quickly.

Alphonse couldn't help the small smile that crept onto his face as he observed her obvious clumsiness and disorganization, she re-extended her hand once her glove was off,

"I'm Elizabeth." She whispered.

He raised his hand, having taken his gloves off when he first arrived on campus, he was able to shake without hassle. He took her smaller, soft hand into his own and shook it lightly,

"I'm Alphonse." He whispered back and she smiled at him again, she was very attractive when she smiled.

She turned back to face the front when the clacking of chalk to the blackboard sounded and she picked up her pencil…only to drop it on the floor. She grumbled and leaned over to pick it up quickly and when she sat back up she had to push her long hair back from her face again so she dropped the pencil on the desk and she pouted irritably as she did so.

Alphonse just smiled…and caught the pencil before it rolled off the desk again. When he handed it to her she blushed for a second and then broke out snickering at her own clumsiness, pressing a hand to her forehead and Alphonse had to try not to join her…though he couldn't help smiling.

And that was how he met Elizabeth Dunn.


End file.
